An Interview with Laura Croft (And My scathing commentary)
Note: my former slavedriving bosses at the Dallas Morning News published this interview on November 10, 1998. I read it and thought it was just perfect for my revenge against them. I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF LARA CROFT, TOMB RAIDER, OR ANYHTING ELSE BESIDES MY FORMER SLAVEDRIVERS AND THEIR SHAMLESS EXPLOITATION OF THE HYSTERIA SURROUNDING LARA.
DMN: What’s it like being the virtual world’s biggest star?
Lara: Don’t make me blush. I do enjoy the attention, though.
Quamp: Blush? You’re a computer image! You don’t have emotions!
DMN: You success has been nothing short of phenomenal- listed in Time Digital among the 1997 cyber elite, along with Bill Gates and George Lucas. Yet you tend to maintain your cool both on and off the video screen. To whom do you attribute your level head to?
Lara: I attribute everything to the life I’ve been dealt. Losing my parents has really taught me to grow up very independent and focused on attaining my goals at hand.
Quamp: Way to go, ex-boss. You ended a sentence with a preposition! As for the question. the whole thing is make believe, so any attributes she has are there because someone programmed them into her!
DMN: You were practically mobbed last summer at the E3 (A major software show) appearance. Do you like making public appearances?
Lara: To be honest, I prefer quieter places, which is why I frequently send what I refer to as a stunt double in my place. Nell [McAndrews], {sic}the model who stands in for me at such events, is a lot more suited to such environments.
Quamp: Of course she sends in a stunt double. SHE’S NOT REAL, FER CRISSAKES!!!
DMN: I did read that you’re a loner, but when you’re not packing a gun, raiding tombs or appearing before fans, how do you unwind?
Lara: I have a strict exercise routine that keeps me in shape... [My butler is]always there with a good pot of tea on the brew.
Quamp: Exercise? You’re a video image, you don’t need to exercise! GET REAL, PEOPLE!!
DMN: What makes you as bad a fighter as your male counterparts? Does it have anything to do with the effects of the tragic plane crash? [According to the Tomb Raider story line, the accident wiped out her entire family.] I mean something as devastating as that could make you fighting mad.
Lara: That’s correct; nobody will take anything from me again. I have my reasons for my determination.
Quamp: Huh? You’re a video image; you don’t have a family. As for why you’re on a testosterone-like trip, it’s because your programmers made you that way.
DMN: How do you finance all those expeditions? Did your late husband leave you loaded?
Lara: Husband? I’ve never been married... I inherited the mansion from a great-auntie and have pawned off a fair amount of the family heirlooms that came with it. I’ve also had various travel writings published, with my book, A Tyrannosaurus is Jawing at My Head, being a particular success.
Quamp: Depends on your definition of "loaded." Now we get to the truth; Lara isn’t the kind to be good to her family. As for the title of this book, Tyrannosaurs became extinct over 65 million years ago, remember?
DMN: Let’s face it, Lara, you’re a kit, but you’re driving the feminist crowd nuts. They say "Why does video game’s hottest star have to look that way?" What do you say to them and other critics who believe video games are both too violent and too sexual?
Lara: Feminists are upset with me? Why? Because I’m an independent, intelligent and strong-willed entrepreneur? Actually, my female fans are grateful to see someone like me in gaming... I mean, I challenge anyone to run and vault about, encountering hungry tigers and deadly traps for days on end, and to still not be converted to a simple leotard, hot pants, and a pair of Uzis.
Quamp: Let’s see here.... Lara’s extrapolated measurement’s are 5’8", 38-24-36. About 1 in 100,000 women have the potential to have those measurements. Can you picture hundreds of young women starving themselves and getting implants just so they can measure up to Lara? That’s what the feminists are griping about. Then again, maybe we should make Lara into a more "nurturing mother figure." I can see it now: Domestic Bliss Lara Croft Dolls! Complete with apron and dust rag! Limited edition Lara Croft wedding dolls! Lara Croft at 60 dolls! Then we can have the hooker Lara Croft and the Biker Lara Croft dolls. Why, the possibilities are endless!
As for why video games are too violent and too sexual, the reason is simple" They reflect the times we live in. When games first started out in the 1970’s, the big hit was Pong. Two simple paddles, one ball. It reflected the simplistic nature people wanted in that era. They were disillusioned with things like Vietnam and Watergate. These days, video games are a major, multi-billion dollar business, and the main target market they sell to is horny adolescent males. Tomb Raider would have bombed miserably if Lara was made to be of average attractiveness and put into a frumpy dress. Violence and sex is all these teens see on television. It’s pandemic. You can’t get away from it.
DMN: Do you think enough credit is given to the fact that you’re very smart? I mean you are a gifted archaeologist, right?
Lara: The museum owners give me a great deal of credit that I am very happy with. Well, I’m not actually qualified as an archeologist, which is probably pretty obvious from my rather unorthodox methods. My last education was at a finishing school in Switzerland, and mentally, that was not exactly challenging. However, I think anyone who has followed me on my journeys appreciates that tomb raiding is as much a mental exercise as it is a physical one.
Quamp: Again, it depends on your definition of "gifted." As fellow Dallasite Joe Bob Briggs would say, "People appreciate the talents of a woman like that rather than her talent." Unlike American schools, the Swiss are known for quality education. So I have to wonder why Lara is making all these grammatical errors like the split infinitive earlier. And just where do these artifacts go, and why isn’t she selling them?
DMN: You know, much hay has been made over your attitude, but fighting criticism like that calls for a lot of attitude, don’t you think?
Lara: I just tell them to [expletive]. I don’t need the negativity.
Quamp: If you don’t need negativity, what in the world are you doing being interviewed by the DMN? That place makes Dilbert’s office look neat, trim, and efficient! And frankly, your male fans really don’t pay that much attention to your attitude, just you talents.
DMN: How do you travel through jungles, rivers and lakes and manage to keep looking that great?
Lara: Unlike normal clothes and makeup, graphics’ textures are pretty resilient to the dirt and damp. So I think this helps.
Quamp: That and a few other things: 1. The designers didn’t want to waste time making a dirtied up Lara Croft. 2. The designers knew that if they had made one, the sales of this game would have slid considerably. 3. A feminist like Lara wouldn’t be caught dead in a wet T-shirt contest. 4. Making a dirtied up Lara would have increased the price.DMN: Some women are actually enhanced with silicone. You are based on it. Are you just drawn that way?
Lara: Wouldn’t you like to know? But really, if you’re referring to certain vital statistics of mine, I understand that they have been attributed to an unfortunate slip of the mouse.
Quamp: "Unfortunate" for whom? Frankly, the increased chest size also increased her sales, right? She’s not based on silicone, she’s based on electrons!
DMN: Would you ever consider posing for Playboy?
Lara: I don’t think that is my style.
Quamp: Maybe not, but hooker Lara would! I’m sure thousands of horny males over 18 would pay big money to see her naked polygonal body. Lara is the subject of many a male hormonal fantasy; indeed, this was even mentioned in the comic strop Foxtrot.
DMN: One of your younger fans, a girl, says she likes your costumes in Tomb Raider II. She says she got tired of the tight top, short-shorts and hikers look in the original. She’s wondering if you will get a different wardrobe for Tomb Raider III.
Lara: I do, yes. Fortunately, I managed to pick up some pretty decent outfits on each of my journeys this time ‘round, I’ll be wearing cat burglar suit, some full winter gear, combat wear for the desert and something new for those tropical areas.
Quamp: Of course. After all variety is the spice of life, right? Let’s give Barbie a run for her money, right?
DMN: Speaking of girls, any advice for those who want to grow up to be like you?
Lara: Stay in school, and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. Oh, and don’t get silicone implants.
Quamp: Let’s see here... you have a high school degree, and you tell people to stay in school. You’re measurements are very difficult to obtain, and you tell them not to get implants. I guess you want them to get saline ones, right? I guess you don’t want the competition.
DMN: Of course, you have more than your share of male followers. I was wondering if there was some special someone in your life?
Lara: This isn’t the National Enquirer, right?
Quamp: No... but the quality is about the same. Way to duck the question! You’d make an excellent politician. Lara Croft in 2000!
DMN: Are you and Duke Nukem friends?
Lara: Duke Nukem, huh. I don’t really know him personally.
Quamp: Sure you do. I’ve seen kids put Duke’s doll on top of your doll. You’ve got to know each other.
DMN: Well, who is your favorite male video game star?
Lara: I think most of all I’d really like to meet Mario... I enjoy small, fast moving targets.
Quamp: But what would the kids look like? One thing’s for certain, they’d have good legs...
DMN: Was turning 30 traumatic? I mean, you don’t look it.
Lara: Thanks, I try to keep in shape. I turned 30 during my last adventure. I think, at the time, it was the least of my worries.
Quamp: Of course she doesn’t look it. She’s programmed to stay young and virile forever. I’d like to see her at 70, however.
DMN: Any thoughts on the movie?
Lara: Personally, I’m not too concerned about who is going to play me... just so long as they look truly at east in a dark tomb with a rocket launcher in hand.
Quamp: Personally, if I was in a dark tomb, I would prefer having some kind of light source. Frankly, you should be worried about the success of the movie... its failure could mean that they’ll pull the plug on Tomb Raiders IV,V, VI, VII, and VIII.
DMN: Women are getting to be a hot ticket in computer games. Mortal Combat female fighters kick butt. To what do you attribute the current success of female characters?
Lara: I attribute the success to Core Design and Eidos Interactive. They’ve brought female character leads to the mainstream.
Quamp: Two words, T & A. After all, the main target market is horny teenage males.
DMN: Does Lara’s future involve tomb raiding when she’s 50?
Lara: If I still have my polygons at that age... then I don’t see why not. But you’ll have to ask my creators.
Quamp: If not, she can always fall back on her winning personality. Remember the saying : "Looks will come and go, but a great personality is forever." I think if all these horny male fans really had Lara’s love, they’d get tired of her quickly, and keep her around solely to get lucky.
I’m sure some museum will let her be curator when she’s in her 60’s. I really can’t picture her teaching archaeology, can you? And if she did, how could they make a game of it?
Well, that’s the end of the interview. Downright sad, isn’t it? By the way, this interview is Copyright 1998 the Dallas Morning News. I could not guess how someone who didn’t know who Lara was would react to this; I can only hope that you take this in the spirit I intend. I repeat again, THIS IS NOT A MOCKERY OF LARA CROFT OR TOMB RAIDER. This is my personal pen-is-mightier-than-the-sword revenge against my former DMN slavedrivers for firing me to make room for the boss’ son.