From: Hugh Jass, Associate Selective Services Head of Operations and Legal Expert (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.)
Date: June 31, 1998
Subject: Associated Selective Services (A.S.S.)
I am pleased to announce the latest strategy of management’s for the new millenium: Assoicated Selective Services (A.S.S.) This strategy will enhance our ability to make a profit by empasizing the associative properties of our goods and services. For those out on the front line, there is the Kind, Integrated Caring and Knightly Associated Selective Services (K.I.C.K.A.S.S.) which, when applied to our competition, studies have shown will make them go on the defensive.
All levels may use the Kind, Integrated and Sanely Simple Assciated Selective Services (K.I.S.S.A.S.S.) This strategy is looked on with great favor by top management, and those who use it are likely to get ahead in the company. After hearing of this method, one employee stated “It all sounds so reasonable. I know I’m going to K.I.S.S.A.S.S. if I want to go far in this company.”
Front line Supervisors will work with the Supervisiory Management Accredited Relational Teamwork for Associated Selective Services (S.M.A.R.T.A.S.S.) which has proven to help motivate even the most unproductive workers into new effort previously thought unattainable. When used on one very unproductive worker, his work quality increased dramatically. “I never thought it possible to get a good day’s work out of him, but once I got S.M.A.R.T.A.S.S. with him, he was ready to use all the A.S.S. strategies, especially K.I.S.S.A.S.S. Those managers who wish to make a big splash in the company Associated Selective Services Wide-range Inteprenurial Program for Exelence (A.S.S.W.I.P.E.) which focuses on createing new ideas that work and undergoing the processes for weeding out good and bad ones.
Now, I know you’re wondering how we’re going to train everyone for this strategy. Everyone will undergo five weeks of Special High Intensive Training for Associated Selective Services (S.H.I.T.A.S.S.) which will cover the basics of the strategy, and how it relates to your department. After that, most will receive the Holistic Amagamated Long-range Fastidiousness to Associated Selective Services (H.A.L.F.A.S.S.) which will help motivate and direct everyone into the new strategy. As you are reading this, our computer training systems are being updated with the Low-intensity Orthodox SoftwareTraining for the Millenium Year Associated Selective Services (L.O.S.T.M.Y.A.S.S.), which will help training immensely.
In showing our A.S.S. strategy to one of our regional offices, the director there, Mr. Walter Johnson, came up with a slightly modified method to work effectively in his region. Managment has reviewed this practice and gives its full backing to Johnson’s Accredited Caring and Kind Associated Selective Services (J.A.C.K.A.S.S.) Top management has issued a directive for integrating Associative Selective services “With all due and deliberate speed” in what has become known as the Holistic Educational Achievement Directive, Integrating Networks to Associateve Selective Services (H.E.A.D.I.N.A.S.S.) One worker commented: “This is management in a nutshell.”
Once our A.S.S. strategy is in place, the computer networks will be updated with the Totally Integrated Training Systems Network for Associated Selected Services (T.I.T.S.N.A.S.S.), which will help departments talk to each other and make way for the Directed Undertaking Management Binding to Associated Selective Services (D.U.M.B.A.S.S.) This strategy is favored highly by top management and will be implemented very quickly. One employee commented: “The management is a bunch of D.U.M.B.A.S.S. users, and it shows.”
New employeees will be using the General Elevated Training Systems, Operating for More Excellence in Associated Selective Services (G.E.T.S.O.M.E.A.S.S.) This will help them integrate into the company faster and aclimate them to our environment. Once aclimated, all employees will receive the Directed, Intensive Caring and Kind Integrated Network for Associative Selective Services (D.I.C.K.I.N.A.S.S.) This will be applied by top management.
Perhaps the easiest way to win over your employees to the new A.S.S. strategy is to use the Beneficial Esoterical New Directive Organizational Vehicle, Endevoring to Relate. (B.E.N.D.O.V.E.R.) B.E.N.D.O.V.E.R. is a good way to get people to use their A.S.S. to help the company out. One young woman became so familar with the procedures she could B.E.N.D.O.V.E.R backwards for everyone to get at her A.S.S. Be sure to get your A.S.S. in gear for the upcoming months; top management is diving full force into everyone’s A.S.S., and expects full cooperation from everyone. Remember, together we can do this.
Thank you for your consideration in the matter.