Flatmates : A short Story

                 For the third night in a row, Steve has been in front of the TV. Either watching ‘Tastes Like Chicken’ or playing ‘Blood Omen 2’. For some reason, the TV has started to play the theme-tune to Gundam. At the sound of this, Wil peels himself off his chair in front of the PC wanders in to see why the TV would be playing his favourite show. As he looks at the TV a model Gundam has its head bitten off and chewed thoughtfully. The shot zooms out to reveal a large Canadian with a receding hairline, a ponytail and a goatee.

                “G’day viewers, I’m Rolf. Today we’re in a quiet suburb of Massachusetts its around 10am and I’m hungry. Lets see what’s aboot.” He takes another bite out of the toy with a crunch. “mmm Tastes like chicken”

                “For fucks sake Steve, how long have you been in that space?” there’s no reply… “helloooo are you still alive???” still no response. “I’ll turn of the TV again, and you remember what happened last time don’t you?” No reply…  

Wil walks over to the TV and flicks the off-switch. As usual, nothing happens. Pushing it a few more times, he gives up and goes out.

 As the door shuts, a mouse comes out of hiding and scurries across the floor towards the bathroom. After a few minutes the toilet flushes and the mouse returns to its hole. Back on the TV, Rolf is currently holding both his thumbs up and his mouth open and full of bees. There’s a huge grin on his face as he closes his mouth and begins to chew “yummy… no wait! AAARRRGH THE PAIN”. Some medics rush to him and try to help. But he refuses their aid and continues to chew with frequent yelps of pain. As he swallows the last one and before he passes out, he manages to get out his catchphrase – “tastes like chicken!” As the credits begin to role the scene switches to a hospital bed with Rolf tucked in and his neck looking swollen. “On the next show, I’ll be drinking raw Bitumen”

 Steve stands up and stretches. Wading through the multitude of empty beer cans he makes his way to the door, pulling it open he stumbles down the stairs and starts to kick the door of the flat below.

A small voice comes from inside “Don’t go, I’m coming, I’m coming” after a few seconds a head peers round the edge of the door. “Oh its you come in” he scampers quickly back into the nearest room followed by a muffled yelp and the sound of a cupboard door closing. As Steve enters the room Jon is locking his cupboard with a padlock.

“Hey I’ve got a great idea!, lets listen to Less then Jake together” squeaked Jon excitedly.

“I’ve got a better idea, lets not and say we didn’t. That way I don’t have to cut my ears off”

“but I have their latest song, its really, really good. I’ve only listened to it for 38 hours now”

“look, lad. I don’t want to hit you at this time, we’ve got a party to go to tonight, are you going to come?

“Are you really inviting me to your party?”

“It’s not my party but we need to go in a big group, so I’m gonna go get the others in a bit, you’re just nearest”

“Wow. Cool! This is great. I haven’t been to a party in years… who’s party is it then?

“It’s a surprise.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“I wouldn’t think so. Who really cares anyway, we’ll be, well you’ll be brining a load of drink”

“I will?”

“Yeah because if you don’t I’ll open that cupboard”

“nooo not the cupboard!!! OK I’ll buy the booze. How many bottles of cider will we need?”

“Don’t be stupid you vegetarian gay. Its beer or Absinthe and you know that.”

“umm ok then. How an I going to carry it all, I can only carry 2 bottles of cider at once…”

“go get a trolley of something, there’s a few in the pond round the corner”

“right-o”

The pair leave, as Jon spends the ritualistic 5 minutes ensuring that all the locks on his door are secured so as to protect the one and a half thousand CD’s and the contents of the Cupboard safe. Steve pulls the front door open and wanders out into the rain. Walking down the street towards John’s house, Steve passes a number of wheely bins, up ahead there is a foot sticking out of one.

                “how the fuck did you end up in there?”

                “It looked comfortable” replied John

                “bollocks did it. Look its full of rubbish”

                “umm oh yeah, My side has been hurting a bit” said John as he was dragged out of the bin.

                “I’m not surprised your side hurts. Check that out!”

                “ooh man that’s nasty”

The pair turn back and walk towards the nearest pub

                “So we’re having a party then?” asked John “That’s cool. Maybe I’ll be able to pull tonight”

                “yup, but before that I need a drink. Where’d you wanna go?”

                “oh oo oo I know!! The nearest pub is that one with something to do with horses”

                “Don’t be stupid. We’re going to see if we can get back into that one further up”

                “Weren’t you barred from that one”

                “Yeah, but we’re goin’ to the one after that”

                “But you’re barred from that one as well! You spanner!”

                “Shit. I am aren’t I” moaned Steve “Ah well, the one about horses it is then”

 As the two figures enter the pub, rain dripping of them, a small group of old ladies shuffle uncomfortably in their chairs. Sighting this, Steve and John begin to slowly walk towards them.

                “Shall we do the mouse thing?” whispered John

                “Oh yes” replied Steve grinning

What follows can only be described as a drawn out conversation about why John ate Steve’s sisters pet mouse alive for a bet. This is a guaranteed seat clearer. The only other way to clear a table in the pub is one of Amy’s farts. But she isn’t with us anymore so there’s no chance of that.

                “Nice one mate” said John as the two shake hands on another successful freak-out

                “Right, off to the bar with you.” Steve pulls out a £10 and hands it to John “get 4 pints”

John goes to the bar and after a few minutes comes back and sits down putting 2 beers on each side of the table. Sitting down in front of his 2

                “Are you not drinking then” asked Steve

                “You mean these two aren’t for me?

                “Well duh! What do you think?” he said as he pulled all four pints onto his side.

                “Oh ok then” said John as he returned to the bar. 

Meanwhile, Wil was lying in a puddle of mud at the bottom of a hill. A tall man wearing what looked like tartan bondage trousers was eating cheese and laughing at him. Standing up Wil said

                “stop that… silly person”

                “Brieeeeee” said the tall man and he ran around the puddle a few times

                “You’ve been drinking wine again haven’t you Will?”

                “umm yeah!. Where’s my brother?”

                “I dunno”

                “well, I left him in a bin this morning and he’s not there anymore”

                “might he have just woken up and gone home or something?”

                “nope. I was asleep outside his door”

                “ah well, I need to find Steve we can ask him where John is”

Wil instinctively turns and walks towards the local pub knowing that he can easily find Steve in any of the few locations he usually is, namely the pub, the off licence or at home. Arriving at the pub, the pair headed towards a table with about 25 empty pint glasses scattered on and around the table. There was no-one at the table.

                “looks like we missed him” said Will

                “I doubt it” replied Wil

There was a groan from under the table. Looking under it, they saw John lying on his back with a full pint ballenced on each of the lenses of his glasses.

                “Please help! If I spill either of these he’s going to set the TV on me…”

Will took the pints off and placed them on the table.

                “so anyway, where’s Steve gone ?” asked Wil

                “I think he’s arranging something for tonight’s party” said John

                “A party! Cool!” the pair said in unison.

                “you didn’t know about it?”

                “umm no, not yet” said Wil

                “I thought that it was your birthday or something…”

                “not for another 7 months…”

                “so where is Steve??” asked Wil again “I need to know what I should wear for the party”

                “what do you mean? You only have the one damn jacket” said Will

“look just shut up ok!” said Wil

A shriek came from outside…

“Umm I think Steve is outside somewhere” said Wil

“how do you know? Asked Will”

“because people screaming like that is one of his little tricks”

The trio ventured outside to find Steve Leaning over a bridge being sick

                “shit man. Are you being sick???” shouted Wil

                “huh” replied Steve.

                “I wanna see” said Will as he rushed over to the bridge

Looking over the edge he saw the source of the scream. Adie was dangling upside down over the sewage outlet. Steve was holding his feet and dangling him about an inch away from the foetid water.

                “why are you doing that?” asked John as the other two joined the pair on the bridge.

                “I’m waiting for him to give me an answer” said Steve

                “cool” replied John “what did you as him?”

                “Yes!” Shouted Aide “tell him. I wanna know as well”

                “I asked you earlier you dozy ginger pubed freak”

                “no you didn’t!” wailed Adie “you jumped on me and then dangled me over this bridge”

                “did I ? oh. Sorry then” said Steve “OK the question is this : Are you coming to the party?”

                “what party?”

                “the one we’re having tonight”

                “oh ok Yes then”

Steve Hauled Adie up and stands him on the pavement.

                “I thought you wanted that money I owed you!” said Adie

                “you owe me money? Um ok then”

Bending down, Steve grabs Adies foot again and prepares to hold him off the bridge again. But before he gets him on the wall he says.

                “No wait, I’ll give it to you tonight!

                “you bloody better or next time I’ll piss in all your drinks”