Here are the answers of me, myself, and myself and myself and myself and myself. And me. 

01) Which Star Wars character are you?
(http://www.sluis-van.com/personality/test1/index.shtml):
- Princess Leia. Booyeah! I'm the pretty one. Now I'm seeing myself in the Jabba bikini scene. Oh, yeah. I rock. not like it's the first time I've ever worn a bikini, either. (Was that too revealing? Ah, well.)

02) How do you refer to yourself?:
- I don't often have a need to refer myself to myself. I'm usually the most qualified person inside me.

03) What is your name?:
- Michael Joseph Cairns

04) What is your quest?:
- To reform the current global economy and politcal systems into a functioning corporate state, whereby the most number of people can be helped to the greatest degree, and the effort and resources of the world can be united to allow for the growth of humanity and civilization into an intellectual and peaceful galactic federation. This may take a year or two.

05) What is your favourite colour?:
- Any colour can be made great. But probably deep red as a pure colour in and of itself.

06) How do YOU spell favourite and colour?:
- Slowly and laboriously.

07) How do you like your steak cooked?:
- Medium rare.

08) Say one nice thing about Kavin:
- I don't see him very often.

09) MAY EYE EET A HAM SANDWIXH?:
- Go to Hell.

10) What is your favourite Hannah Barbara cartoon?:
- That's kind of like asking "would you like to eat your own feces with a fork or a spoon?" It really doesn't matter what you use, it's still a pile of shit.

11) Is there anything about your life that you want to improve?:
- Uh, the whole single thing could use some alteration. And my toothbrush is getting worn out.

12) Really? Are your concerns valid, or are you just very bored?:
- Yeah, I'm rather heavily single.

13) Whatever. Who's better, Teela or She-Ra?:
- She-ra. 'Cause teela was definitely shackin' with the He-Man, and who wants sloppy seconds from a guy that can truthfully shout out in public "I have the Power".

14) Was Yoda wise, or did he fool people by talking funny?:
- Yoda was wise, but the problem is, he had a Napoleon complex going on, and subconsciously tried to hold back anyone who might rival him in power.

15) Do you call yourself a geek? If not, why did you answer questions 13 and 14?:
- I'm not a total geek. I love scifi/fantasy, cartoons, gaming, etc. But I don't let them overrule my life to the point where hygeine becomes a theoretical concept.

-What is your favourite food from the following food groups?:
16) Meat&Protein:
- Cooked.

17) Dairy:
- Really old cheddar.

18) Fruits&Veggies:
- Paul.

19) Bread:
- Ummm... garlic bread?

20) You are in a bar, and are struck with a craving for hot wings and onion rings,
so you order some. What do you order to drink? (Doesn't have to be booze.):
- Usually Kilkenny. However, some onion rings can be kind of sweet, in which case a double Whiskey Sour would wash it down well.
Also, if the hot wings are made for Kavin-types, a LOT of water.

21) How would you serve spam for dinner to your significant other's parents to
impress them?:
- I would start off by carving the spam out, so that you were left with a box of 1/2 inch thick walls. (How big is spam?) I would sprinkle that with ground cloves. Into this 'meat' bowl I would put a stuffing of primarily bread, garlic sausage, butter, and a couple vegetables (Grated carrot, chopped mushrooms, and some wild rice). Over this, I would place some grated Cheddar and Swiss, and then top it off with a healthy splash of dryish white wine. Then, the hollowed out portion gets cut so that it is now a lid of about a half inch thickness, and placed on top so it's a nice neat package. That gets cooked slowly in the oven, and when it gets taken out, drizzled with an orange sauce. (Sean can tell you whether or not it would actually taste good...)

22) Xena is better than Hercules. (T/F):
- False. I hate Xena. She loks like some kinda biker chick nightmare, yet tons of guys think she's hot. Now, Gabrielle, on the other hand... Rowr.

23) How would someone be able to trick you into going on the Jerry Springer show?:
- By asking me to go on it.

24) Why does Robert vanWinkle suck so much?:
- 'Tinkle' rhymes with winkle. And, have you ever heard 'Ice Ice Baby'?

25) How often do you polish your shoes?:
- Maybe once every couple of months. That is to say, far less often than I polish my knob.

26) Do you hate wearing pants?
- Only when they're women's or way too big.

27) If I presented you with a button labeled "evil@8" in big Lovecraftian letters,
would you press it?:
- I wouldn't intend to, but I'm pretty sure that button would get pushed at some point in time.

28) What is your favourite country song?:
-"Wild Angels" by that Martina McBride

29) If you could spend a day with the fictional character(s) of your choice, who
would it be?:
- Eponine, of Les Miserables. Barring her, Elminster of Shadowdale, of the Forgotten Realms. At nearly a thousand years old, and a practical demigod in his own right, he would be someone who could fill up a day with the most interesting thoughts or adventures, in all likelihood. But, I also have to say that I would also love to spend a day with Lauralanthalasa Kanan, of the Dragonlance Chronicles. Basically, she's the bomb.

30) Would you dance to a Polka for some really good Bratwurst?:
- Yeah. Not too encumbered by inhibitions am I.

31) Hi, this is Thomas speaking.:
- Hi. Now please leave me alone.

32) The best flavour of Kool-Aid is __ :
- Blue.

33) Was Napster bad?:
- Napster sucked. It was almost impossible to get anything decent off of it within a reasonable amount of time.

34) How do you take your coffee?:
- Rectally.

35) If you could visit any time and place, when and where would it be?:
- I would visit the trial of Christ. I'd like to hang around and check things out, you know, see what the real deal was.

36) Did you get the jokes on Married: with Children the first time you watched it?:
- Yeah, but honestly, you have to be actually brain dead for Married: with Children to be above your head.

37) Have you ever had any magazine subscriptions?:
- Reader's Digest.

38) Do you know enough about the workings of a toilet that you could build one out
of bamboo, coconuts and rubber plants?:
- No, but I could build a great coffee table.

39) What is your strongest (but still non-diagnosable) mental disorder?:
- Ummm... Non-diagnosable? Probably some sort of defensive complex...

40) Who is your favourite Canadian musician or musical group?:
- The Guess Who, I think. BNL is damn great, too.

41) Who is your favourite painter?:
- Rembrandt Van Rijnn.

Why no question about sculptor? (That would be Michelangelo...)

42) What is your favourite poem?:
- "Around the corner there may wait
   A new road or a secret gate.
   And though I oft have passed them by,
   A day will come at last when I
   Shall take those secret paths that run
   West of the moon, and East of the Sun."
              -JRR Tolkein, 'The Return of The King'
                  -This is the poem at the end, when the elves are leaving, I think.

43) What is your favourite comedy sketch show?:
- Kids in the Hall. Mad TV has about three great episodes, and the first few seasons of SNL were fantastic, or when Mike Myers was on it.

44) Why do you eat the flesh of dead animals?:
- The live animals squirm too much.

-If you were a superhero, what would:
45) your power be?:
- The ability to read and alter/adjust/change thoughts in others.

46) your name be?:
- Mike

47) your costume look like?:
- A well tailored suit, in the style of the Old West as presented in the movie "Tombstone".

48) your cause be?:
- Whatever the hell I want it to be at the time.

49) Are you sure you aren't a geek?:
- I'm a geek. Have you met me?

50) In AD 2101, war was beginning. What happen?:
- I think war has been around for a while already, bud.

51) Have you had enough, or do you want to answer another 50 questions?:
- Damn you, Scuba Steve!

52) What is compelling you to answer this particular question?:
- Hard to say. Cloudy, the future is.

53) Have you played Loonie: the Nucking Futs first edition?:
- I refuse to play an RPG with a rules book of less than two paragraphs. I'm a pill.

54) What flavour is the chip on your shoulder?:
- It's got a definite tang of blood in there. Maybe some parsley. Strong hint of "Bitter" in there.

55) Is that a potato on your jacket?:
- No, that's my jacket on a potato.

56) Have you ever gotten sick from an amusement ride?:
- Not that I can remember.

57) How many wigs do you own?:
- Four or five, I think.

58) Do you like goat cheese?:
- Is feta goat? Yes. If not, yes.

59) What is Puritan Irish Stew made with?:
- A really big pot, and, the title says it all. There's a whole mess of Irishmen in there. But sometimes, they do make mistakes with the genetic purity testing, and get a couple Englishmen or Scotchmen in the mix.

60) Do you own a rubber ducky?:
- No.

61) Complete this phrase. "I am a(n) __phile.":
- Edi-phile  (I like to eat...)

62) What movies have people spoiled for you?:
- Well, the guys that wrote/directed/starred in "The Warriors" pretty much spoiled it for everyone...

63) Do you have a favourite roleplaying system?:
- AD&D 3rd is my best friend.

64) Please repeat your answers to questions 15 and 49.:
- In summary, I do not have sex.

65) What's the worst thing you have ever consumed?:
- Dog food, I think. Might be "the soup".
 
66) Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way?:
- Watch it, Goldenrod.

67) Do you prefer wide screen or cut and pan?:
- Wide. It's always gotta be wide.

68) Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?:
- Ah, flashbacks of Gutenberg.

69) Voulez-vous du beurre?:
- Oui, j'aime le beurre. Aussi, le beurre est le plus belle autobus de la monde. 

70) Are you a brain in a vat?:
- I'm in a vat, but there ain't no brain nearby...

71) What's wrong with kit lego?:
- Too damn expensive.

72) Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer __!:
- flyer.

73) If you could make any band cover any song, who would you have play what?:
- Let's see... I think would be interesting to see what the Holly Cole Trio could make out of "Boyz in the Hood" or "Die muthafucka die"...

74) Is it pronounced "keltic" or "seltic"?:
- thicpric. (In Welsh Gaelic, could be spelled 'ddicpric' and be pronounced the same...)

75) What footgear does death wear?:
- He used to wear wandals, but those Nike sweatshops appeal to him so much, he wears nothing but stupid looking runners with camouflage and zippers...

76) Where is Waldo?:
- In a tiny little jar on my bookshelf.

77) Do you know the words to "Turkey in the Straw"?:
- to what?

78) What does CD-ROM stand for?:
- Compact Disc Rea*cough cough*. There. I said it. I'm jsut going to take it now.

79) Do you identify with any of the characters from the film "The Big Lebowski"?:
- Donny. I'm the idiot who comes into a conversation in the middle and asks "What's going on?". And I will die of a heart attack one of these days.

80) What song describes you at the moment?:
- "Standin' on the Corner" (watchin' all the girls go by, sing it with me Paul...)

81) Do you know how to tie a tie?:
- Yes, but only a Windsor Knot.

82) Would you censor Pee Wee's Adventure, or are you exceedingly liberal?:
- Could I just burn the original instead?

83) Do you like Moxy Fruvos?:
- Once, I was the King of Spain.

84) What is your favourite electronic game system? (ie, nintendo, sega...):
- Xbox. Halo could keep me occupied for months...

85) What is your favourite software program?:
- Nothing by Microsoft, that's for sure.

86) Do you know the muffin man?:
- The muffin man?

87) What's the worst smell in the world?:
- When there's a room full of decomposing bodies, the temperature is above forty, and someone burps with onion breath. Buh.

88) Do you prefer Star Trek or Star Wars?:
- I'm supposed to try to compare two beautiful sunsets? Each is great in its own wonderful way, sheltering me in geeky warmth.

89) What is your favourite Kevin Smith movie?:
- Clerks. "What's the most embarrassing way to die? My uncle died of a broken neck..."

90) What is your favourite Monty Python sketch?:
- wierd walks...

91) What do you think an appropriate length for a response to an "If" question is?:
- Long enough to subdue your opponents through sheer boredom.

92) What were your favourite cartoons as a kid?:
- Gummy Bears!!! The Smurfs!! Transformers was the bomb, followed by GI Joe, then He-Man.

93) Who do you root for in the world cup?:
- Not France. Anyone but France. My loyalty was rewarded again this year.

94) Would you like to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes?:
- If I could be John Maljkovich, I'd spend that 15 minutes slitting my wrists.

95) What is your favourite type of hat?:
- Lemon.

96) Who's scarier, Cthulhu or Turrasque?:
- Terrasque. (I don't really know any of the Cthulhu mythology...)

97) What house would you be in if you went to Hogwarts'?:
(http://www.sorting-hat.com/sorthatq.htm)
- I'm a Gryffindor! Wierd. I don't know what that means, though. (I have not bowed down to social pressure to read the books.)

98) Repeat your answer to question 64, defend yourself if you feel it's necessary.:
- Geeks are much easier to identify, and it's pretty much impossible to broach a 'taboo' subject, or to wierd a geek out.

99) What would be a good question to end this survey with?:
- Do you think, after answering all the previous questions, that you are really worth the oxygen you use daily?

100) What would your answer to that question be?:
- Nope. But by pure mineral content, I'm quite a valuable piece of rock.

Miek "Can't even spell his own name" Carins