Taoism:
Sh*t happens.
If you can sh*t, it isn't sh*t.
Sh*t happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna:
Sh*t Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens happens, she-it she-it (Repeat till you become one with she-it)
Here buy this flower and take our sh*t.

Confucianism:
Confucius say, "Sh*t Happens".
Confucius says, "If sh*t has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY.

Buddihism:
If sh*t happens, it isn't really sh*t.
If sh*t happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Sh*t will happen again to you next time.

Zen:
What is the sound of sh*t happening?

Hinduism:
I've seen this sh*t before.
This sh*t is not a religion. It is the way of life.
This sh*t happening is YOU.

Protestantism:
If sh*t happens, it happens to someone else.
If sh*t happens, praise the lord for it!

Lutheranism:
Sh*t happens, but as long as you are sorry, it's OK.

Catholicism:
If sh*t happens, you deserved it.
You were born sh*t, you are sh*t, and you will die sh*t.

Judaism:
Why does sh*t always happen to US?
Why does sh*t always happen just before closing the deal?

Islam:
If this sh*t happens, it is the will of Allah.
If sh*t happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any sh*t.

Nation of Islam:
Don't take no SH*T!

New Age:
That's not sh*t. it's feldspar.
A firm sh*t does not happen to me.
This isn't sh*t if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own sh*t.
If sh*t happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeit!!
We're all part of the same sh*t.
For $300 we can help you get in touch with your inner sh*t.

Wicca:
If sh*t happened once. It will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes sh*t happens.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
No sh*t happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good sh*t.
Knock Knock, "Sh*t Happens."
Here, we insist you take out sh*t.
Sh*t happens door to door.

Atheism:
I don't believe this sh*t.
It looks and smells like sh*t, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Sh*t doesn't happen. Sh*t is dead.
No Sh*t!

Agnosticism:
It looks and smells like sh*t, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its sh*t or not
What is this sh*t?!
How can we KNOW if sh*t happens?
You can't prove any of this sh*t.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this sh*t!
Hey, this is good sh*t, mon.
Dread that sh*t up.

Mormonism:
If sh*t happens, shun it.
Excrement happens (you can't say sh*t in Utah)
Hey, there's more sh*t over here!
Our sh*t is better than your sh*t.
Sh*t happens again and again and again....

Baptist:
You are sh*tting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the sh*t right off you.

Southern Baptist:
Sh*t will happen. Praise the lord.

Iraqi Baathist:
Oh Sh*t!

Voodoo:
Sh*t doesn't just happen--somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this sh*t!
This sh*t's gonna get you.

Amish:
Sh*t is good for the soil.
This modern sh*t is worthless.

Satanism:
We hope bad sh*t happens to all of you.
We will MAKE your sh*t happen.
Make sacrifices in the name of our sh*t.

Shamanism:
Whoa... Holy Sh*t!
Honor the Sh*t spirits.