You press the "buy" button on the cable remote just as the scramble signal begins ... ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< {The view unscrambles to show a scene of an oblong table, surrounded by men in severe formal dress, each with a national flag standing behind their chairs (Russia, Japan, Germany, England, America, Canada, Mexico, Spain, etc.). They seem to be arguing over some heated topic, many standing up and pounding on the table, etc.} [Voiceover] When tempers flare ... when words are not enough ... when events demand a call for action ... {Two of the men stand back from the table, with a "this means war" expression.} [VO]: then no borders can contain the explosive force, no diplomacy can avoid ... an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT! {The two men make "waving in" motions, and a pair of nondescript wrestlers hop up on the table from nowhere, grappling up as the uninvolved men generally begin acting like fans; one of the wrestlers bodyslams the other to break the table, and stands up, lifting his arms in a cheering posture, as the camera focus zooms towards and over him, the scene blurring out of focus ...} ================================================================= {... then dissolves into a view of a crowded arena filled with cheering fans.} MOLSON CENTRE, MONTREAL, QUEBEC {The camera dissolves to a long slow pan along the crowd, showing fans waving a LOT of Jerry Straite posters, plus a "Danny Boy McGill: The Next Generation" posters here and there, a Steve the Insane PlushPal(tm), and signs saying "WELCOME BACK, ANGELA", "GARDNER FEARS ROADHOUSE", and a creative collage with magazine cutouts of the Chaos Brothers with North American belts pasted on them.} >>PRESSBOX<< Wwe see an athletic blonde woman in a smartly-cut blue ski-suit; a sandy-blond man with a "Fu Manchu" mustache, wearing a black pearl-buttoned dress shirt, buckskin jacket, cowboy hat, and silver bolo tie; and a smaller blond man barely visible within his well-oversized fur parka, with a pastel-blue sweater tied around the hood like a cape. AWI fans will recognize the trio as Heather Rasputin, Stan Jurgens, and Kyle Esprit.} [Heather Rasputin] WELCOME, everybody, to this first INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT, the Contest of Champions! This is Heather Rasputin, coming to you live and direct from the Molsen Centre in the heart of Quebec-- [Kyle Esprit] Also known as the West Pole ... you know, I went to look at the thermometer this morning, and the hotel manager told me there weren't any -- NOTHING stays LIQUID at room temperature in Canada! [Heather] Actually, I've found the weather rather refreshing ... [Kyle] {snort} And you call yourself a Californian. [Heather] {sigh} With me tonight, as you've undoubtedly noticed, are Stan "the Man" Jurgens, and Kyle Esprit-- [Kyle] That's "Kyle Esprit, the manager of the next AWI champion of the world", Heather! [Heather] {somewhat surprised} You're not actually saying you've SIGNED Ken Mischief or Greg Gardner, are you? [Kyle] Well, not as such -- just that whichever of those two is talented enough to take the title is BOUND to be intelligent enough to seek out the Man with Everything and More from the California Shore to *keep* it ... [Stan] If they can beat their way into the title, Kyle, I don't reckon they're going to need you for much more than polishing duty. [Kyle] Hey, that's worth 5% right there! [Heather] ANYWAYS, we have an incredible night of action for those watching tonight on pay-per-view, closed circuit, satellite, or digital television ... nearly every title sanctioned by the AWI will be going on the line in bouts tonight, from Robbie Stevens's Television Champion ... [Stan] {snort} In Texas, he'd have to be taking on ALL the Grey Guardians to actually COUNT as "going on the line" ... [Heather] ... to the Crystal Crow's North American championship, which Jerry Straite has promised to bring back home right here in sight of his own countrymen! [Kyle] That'd be impossible -- they've only got 2 feet of visibility through all the snow ... [Heather] We're INSIDE, Kyle ... Not to mention the two vacant titles which stand ready to be filled tonight ... the Chaos Brothers and Agony & Ecstasy will bring a finale to the exciting North American Tag Team championship tournament ... and Spring Stampede winner Ken Mischief squares off against the "War Machine" Greg Gardner to pick up the World Heavyweight championship! In fact, there's just TOO much action on this card to sum up before we START the action -- let's go to Rod Allen in the ring! >>RING<< [Rod Allen] LADIIIEEES AAAND GENTLEMEEEN! Allied Wrestling INTernational would like to welcome you all here tonight, to INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT! {The crowd pops for itself.} [Allen] Your first match tonight is a tag team event scheduled for one fall, with a fifteen-minute time limit ... introducing first, currently in the ring ... weighing a combined 450 pounds ... Alex, and Kieth, Matthews ... And their opponents ... at a combined total weight of 478 pounds ... {The lights dim, as "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by Smashing Pumpkins plays softly and slowly over the speakers, gradually gaining volume ... blue-green lasers draw attention to the wall opposite the entrance ramp, creating a stick-figure of a man using circuitry designs ... the lasers gradually condense their picture from taking up the whole wall to being nearly man-size at the emergency exit -- at which point the area is filled with jets of steam ... when the cloud clears, the lasers are illuminating a large man in a black bodysuit, with circuitry designs the same color as the lasers across the suit ... the video walls play footage from previously-run commercials, with the words "THE TOMORROW MAN ..." flashing at high speed across it ... The music speeds up as it switches to "The End is the Beginning Is the End," and the main entrance ramp is suddenly alive with jets of flame forming an arch across the entrance ... a much smaller man dressed in black, orange, and silver tights and a similarly designed mask comes jogging down to ringside while the video wall changes to announce "EL HOMBRE OCTUBRE ..." The pair reach the ring near-simultaneously, meeting in its center; the video wall changes its flashing message to "YOU ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE:" ... the Tomorrow Man launches forth a cloud of greenish mist into the air, and El Hombre Octubre somersaults under it, tossing up a flash of flame which ignites the mist in a bright burst, before the pair head to their corner, as the video wall finishes, "FUTURE SHOCK. THERE IS NO TIME TO PREPARE."} [Kyle] With what we just saw, I think I could've bought two Jaguars, a Boxster, and a second beach home in Malibu. [Heather] You have to admit, it was a ... distinctive entrance. [Stan] And if this was Universal Studios Theme Park, their careers would be made. But you don't beat opponents with cheap theatrics, and if it's all the same to the AWI, I'd like to see these guys /wrestle/ first. {The match starts up with Alex in the ring against El Hombre ... he catches the preliminary wrestler off guard with a dropkick, whips him into the ropes, and hits a 'rana.} [Heather] And a hurricarana right from the start! This man certainly doesn't seem to lack confidence! [Kyle] You'll notice it lacked the elegance of the Tiger's Pounce? [Heather] Don't even start ... and he shows some technical knowledge, as well, slipping Matthews into reverse head scissors ... [Stan] I'm not going to slam El Hombre Octubre. He gave Steve the Insane a tough debut match way back at Knock Around the Clock two years ago, if anybody remembers. And I saw him in some great matches in the FWA. But he was strictly a cruiserweight among cruiserweights then. I'm not sure how he'll work in a tag team, where you don't get to make sure your opponents don't outweigh you by fifty pounds. [Heather] He is one of the smaller wrestlers in the AWI as of the opening bell, Stan -- you might have a point-- what a move! {The move in question follows Matthews's escape from the lock, and subsequent whipping Octubre into the ropes, leaning down for a back body drop -- El Hombre stops in time, and hoists the bigger man up in a tiger-bomb.) [Heather] Octubre gets a two-count out of that, and seems to think a change is in order, tagging in the Tomorrow Man ... and we don't even have FWA footage to go from on him. [Kyle] I'll bet we DO! That build SEEMED awfully familiar ... oh, that sneaky Mexican! He must've talked one of the lugs from Frontier to team with him! Maybe 'Babyface' Billy Gerber! Yeah, we haven't seen him around in awhile -- and I remember Octubre hanging pretty close to him ... [Stan] Kyle, they were in a MATCH at the time. [Heather] Bodyslam by Tomorrow Man ... really, Kyle, these two don't have to "be" anyone under the mask. It's sort of a tradition in lucha promotions like the A.L.L., where these two hail from -- a mask is a symbol of your warrior's spirit. [Kyle] It's the symbol of a sneaky coward probably trying to ambush me! I'll bet Mississippi Queen put Gerber up to this. Or-or wait, maybe it's the X-ecutioner ... {While Kyle blathers, the Tomorrow Man hoists Matthews up in a gutwrench suplex ... then slips behind him and nails a German suplex -- keeps the hold, rolls to his feet, and hits ANOTHER German in one smooth motion ... while the audience cheers in appreciation, the video wall helpfully replays it, flashing "!MULTIPLEX!" at random intervals ...} [Stan] Saves us the trouble of naming it. [Kyle] Who do I know that used belly-to-back suplexes ... [Heather] Another tag made, this might be it for Alex, who seems dead on his feet ... El Hombre off the top with a somersault-- {El Hombre's somersault lands him on Matthews's shoulders, and after a moment to regain his bearings, he rolls forward to catch Matthews in a pinning predicament, as the screen flashes "EL DIABLO VOLAS" ...} [Heather] And Tom Newman with the count ... 1 ... 2 ... and we've got ourselves a winner! {"The End is the Beginning is the End" keys up again, as the pair leave the ring, each taking a different side of the aisle to greet the fans.} >>PRESSBOX<< [Heather] Interesting tag team combination, and one I'm sure is going to have a lot to show the competition here in the AWI ... [Stan] I reckon they'd better, since it'll take a championship salary to pay for them promos of theirs. >>AISLE<< {"Mississippi Queen" by Mountain cues up on the PA and the Mississippi Queen herself walks down the aisle shaking hands and waving to the crowd. Dressed in a forest green evening gown she makes her way around the ring up the steps and eases in between the first and second ropes. She gets handed a microphone by one of the production staff and waves to the fans again.} [Kyle]: Oh, NO ... the /last/ thing I need is this. [Mississippi Queen] Hello, Canada! I just wanted to come out and compliment the people of Montreal for an incredible time we've had. You have a beautiful city and country, and if I didn't know better I'd swear this was the birthplace of Southern hospitality. I really wish I could be wrestling here at International Incident, but those are the breaks. Next time I hope to be able to return some of the gratitude each of you has shown me and my family this weekend by getting in the ring. Now, back to business. It seems certain individuals in the AWI prefer to talk instead of wrestle, and to top it off they enjoy taking pot shots and making wisecracks about my family. [Kyle]: Yeah, we call those people "entertaining". [Queen] You've all heard that little coward Jason Wrath come out here week in and week out with something unflattering to say about my brothers and me. And if you can believe it, Doug Abercrombie has continued to run his mouth about how good he could be to ladies like me and Angela. {laughs} The South, much like Canada I'm told, has a strong tradition of family; and I'm sure you all know that as a strong woman I'm not one to back down. But! This time I am choosing to step aside and defer to someone who has a lot to say about this topic. So, 'Hardliner' Jason Wrath, {snicker} Doug Abercrombie, and anybody else ... I want you to listen long and hard to what is about to happen. >>AISLE<< {The lights in the arena go out, and as soon as total darkness engulfs the arena a lone spotlight illuminates the aisleway entry. Then "Strutter" by KISS blasts across the PA system, leaving little doubt as to what happens next.} [Kyle]: This ... this is not happening ... {From behind the curtain appears "The Strutter" T.R. Parker dressed in a tuxedo with forest green cummerbund. Waving to the crowd and slapping hands down the aisle, he makes his way to the ring, where he enters and struts around the perimeter before giving his wife of one year a kiss as the lights come back up.} [TR Parker] So this is the AWI? Niiiice. I think I'm going to like it here. [Kyle]: It's going to be like having Kerry in stereo, only worse. [Parker] First things first ... Family ... we all have them, some we choose and some we don't. But no matter what anyone thinks, they are what makes us who we are. There is a saying in Las Vegas where I come from that when something happens once, it is happenstance. Twice, and it is coincidence. Three times and it is enemy action. Think long and hard about that. Secondly, I'll be perfectly honest with all you people. I don't know how long I'm going to be here, but I can guarantee that the heat just got turned up several degrees when that curtain parted. I know there are plenty of guys all around this sport that want a crack at the Strutter, and I *always* aim to please. So, all you guys in the back, get out your pens, pencils, and crayons. Get your wives, girlfriends, daughters, and parole officers to drive you down to the AWI corporate offices. There you will find open contracts galore, all with The Strutter's autograph on them. Just sign your name and prepare to find out what leaves the men crying, and the ladies sighing ... Queen, it is time to Strut! {With that, Parker offers an arm and he escorts Mississippi Queen from the ring down the aisle high fiving and slapping hands with the fans.} >>PRESSBOX<< {Our announcing crew looks on with varying expressions of surprise.} [Heather] Can you BELIEVE it? "The Strutter" T.R. Parker ... one of the hottest young stars in the regional circuit, a former Atlantic Wrestling Association champion -- is now, apparently, ready to make a name for himself here in the AWI? [Stan] It was only a matter of time, Heather. You look at this kid's resume, and he's already accomplished most everything that /doesn't/ have "AWI" stamped in its gold. And, well ... you saw the other reason standing next to him. A man'd have to be three shades of idiot not to tee off on anyone makin' the kind of cracks Abercrombie and his kin have in the past, just on the /off/ chance it rankled her. [Kyle] What *I* can't believe is that he's solving my worries for me! For a moment, I thought he could actually be a *problem*, that this was going to be one more Mississippi moron poking his nose where it didn't belong ... but he's gone and given the whole league an open invitation to send him packing back to the podunks! How long do you REALLY think a guy like that is going to last against AWI talent like Tank Bradley, Ken Mischief, Reverend Jeremiah James, or Intensive Care? [Heather] Only time will tell ... and speaking of time, it's now time for our next event ... which marks the return to the ring of the "Mastermind" Alliyah Johnston -- and there's definitely no love lost between her and her opponent tonight ... ================================================================= AWI Explosion, February 17th, 1998 ["Ringmaster" Dacia Blackthorne] You bet your life I am! Taylor, I had you beat three times in that match and your girlfriend bailed you out! So that tells me despite all of your trash talk and mouth, your not even in the same ballpark I am. As for you, Johnston, I'm upping the ante a little bit. I can remember three matches in my time here in the AWI where I had a clean cut loss. Every other time I took the "L", it was because of somebody's stupid idea of high-jinxs and shenanigans. [Kyle]: Unfortunately, that outlines your whole CAREER. [RMDB] Well this a time I'm asking you too put your money where your mouth is. Our 'Put Up or Shut Up' match is still on, and I wanna raise the stakes a little bit. {Dacia takes off her jacket and shades and tosses them into the corner, as if preparing for a match.} Since your so big and high and mighty on yourself, Johnston, why not put this match on the map? If I win, you retire from broadcasting in the AWI ... PERMANENTLY. Not another peep, wisecrack, or smart remark for one whole year! GOT IT!? {The fans cheer slightly.} [CD] Pretty high stakes for Ms. Johnston, Dacia. I can only ask what are the consequences for you should you lose? [RMDB] If by some chance I lose to Alliyah Johnston Chad, then I won't wrestle in the AWI for the next year. [Kyle]: Like you've EVER wrestled here -- most I see, you just sit around getting Bankbreakered! [RMDB] Now don't get me wrong. I've thought this through and I realize the chances of me getting a clean match against Johnston are "zero and hell no", so here's the catch. {Dacia takes the microphone from Chad and approaches the camera to get a good shot of her face.} The match takes place with one fall ... a thirty minute time limit ... one-on-one ... inside ... A CAGE! ================================================================= Later, same night ... ["Mastermind" Alliyah Johnston] Dacia ... to paraphrase the classic quote ... "I am not an animal ... I'm a woman. A woman." As such, I will not demean myself by stepping into a cage of any type with you. {Dacia goes to say something, but Johnston pulls the microphone away.} HOWEVER ... I do share your concern about outside interference. My concern, though, stems from your hitwoman ... bodyguard ... whatever term you'd like to use today ... Susan O'Malley. So, rather than disrespect ourselves in {shudders} a cage, why don't we simply stipulate that anyone appearing illegally at ringside is suspended for 30 days? That way, when O'Malley attempts her interference, she'll not only be embarrassed for her ineffectiveness, but will be appropriately punished. {Dacia glares intently at Alliyah for a *LONG* time and the fans get their worth by egging the two stars on with rhythmic clapping and chants of 'Black-Thorne ... Black-Thorne.' Dacia finally takes the mic from Alliyah.} [RMDB] You know Alliyah, I've warned you once about putting my friends names in your mouth with any sort of negative connotation. And quite frankly once is enough. [Kyle]: As if one could put any POSITIVE spin on Susan O'Freak's name. {Dacia steps into Alliyah's face and gets nose to nose with her.} But since O'Malley could take you any day of the week like she did your half-wit buddy Taylor, I won't waste time slapping your teeth down your throat. And since it's obvious you're afraid to step inside the cage with the one person you know can kick your ass all over oblivion ... I'll accept your terms just to prove to you, and the world, your just a washed-up media hound pretending to be a wrestler. [Kyle]: At least she's GOT a day job, honey! [MAJ] {ignoring Dacia's comments} Oh ... one other thing. I understand Comedy Central may be interested in giving the AWI some airtime in the future. As such, it would not be best for the league if you are suspended, since your matches are the AWI's main source of humor material. I have no problem risking my broadcast career, because /I/ know that you will not be able to pin me or make me submit in my glorious AWI return match. So ... we can keep that stipulation. ON the other hand ... rather than risking your own career ... why don't we simply have you give me both a public apology for your derogatory statements towards me as well as a public admittance that you simply talk TOO much? Fair? {Alliyah extends her hand for Dacia to shake it and Dacia SPITS on her hand.} [Kyle]: Just call her Dacia Alomar. [RMDB] Your handshake to me is just as good as your half-hearted attempts at fair wrestling. Just sign your name on the contract we'll settle it in the ring. [Kyle]: Go on, Heather -- tell me what a sportsman Dacia is, huh, huh? [Heather]: Given all the ... well, I can't say what I'd like to call it, since I'm still SITTING in this broadcaster's chair ... but frankly, Kyle, I think after what Johnston's said and done, Dacia can be forgiven for being a little ... curt. [Paul]: A little Curt? Heather, didn't we get enough of this trans thing with Robbie and Freechild? {Dacia gets in Alliyah's face again and starts jawing at her. Alliyah turns her back to Dacia non-chalantly, and heads for the ropes.} [Kyle]: Yeahyeahyeah, be the big Blackthorne apologist. Face it -- Johnston is RIGHT, as always, and Dacia's just not big enough a woman to ADMIT it! Which is surprising, since "big" is the first word I usually associate with Dacia ... {Dacia turns back to say something to the crowd.} [Heather]: And ALLIYAH'S BACK WITH A CHAIRSHOT!!! {Alliyah whacks Dacia with a chair she picked up through the ropes, and then grabs her from behind. She puts her head against Dacia's back, holding her arms, and spins around to put Dacia under her before falling to the mat.} [Heather]: Oh, no -- MINDBLOWER!!! [Kyle]: Quick question: what's the last thing to go through Dacia's head just then? THE MAT!!! {Alliyah rolls out of the ring with a smug expression, as ring attendants show up to check on Dacia.} ================================================================= [Kyle] Can we replay that last few seconds a couple times? I'd like to grab some popcorn, maybe hire a small catering group, some background musicians ... [Heather] Kyle, that's horrible ... Alliyah Johnston is, if anything, just proving Dacia's words-- [Kyle] From where I'm sitting, babe, what she's proving is that she can kick Dacia's tail! I mean, it's obvious that Mindblower scrambled widdle poor Wingmastuh's brains something good -- which is to say, worse than the bathtub hooch she uses for her teatime skosh -- after all, we're over 20 minutes into this show and Dacia hasn't hogged any camera time to make one of her self-important vintage whines! >>RING<< [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is set for one fall, with a time limit of fifteen minutes ... entering the ring first, from the Loch Ness in Scotland ... the "Ringmaster", DACIA BLACKTHORNE!!! {"Scottish Funeral March" plays on the PA, as the crowd begins to cheer on Dacia during her walk to ringside.} [Allen] And her opponent tonight ... {pauses to look at the card in his hand as if double-checking it} accompanied to ringside tonight by her manager, who returns to AWI action tonight, "Mastermind" Alliyah Johnston ... [Heather]: MANAGER?!? I thought she was supposed to be FIGHTING this match! [Stan]: Uh-oh ... looks like some contract magic has just been abracadabra'd. [Allen] ... weighing in at 148 lbs., from Baltimore, Maryland ... "COOL" KITTY TAAAYLOR!!! {"Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent fills the air, as Kitty and Alliyah make their way to ringside, looking awfully smug.} [Heather]: Ohhhhhh boy, does Dacia look steamed now ... and rightfully so, I might add! {Both women enter the ring, and Alliyah motions for Allen, saying something to him.} [Allen] {clears throat} I've been notified to remind the audience that any person appearing *illegally* at ringside will be suspended from AWI activity for a period of 30 days. [Heather]: {dryly} And, of COURSE, as a manager, Johnston doesn't consider herself "illegal". Cute. [Kyle]: We sit in the presence of genius, and you call it "cute?" Heather, have you ever wondered what reason there might be as to why you're sitting at an announcer's table pulling, what, five figures, and she's loaded with cash and managing a future women's champion? [Heather]: I figured it had something to do with principles and integrity. [Kyle]: That and $500 will let you caddy my next round at Pebble Beach. [Rod Allen] Your referee for this match is Tom Newman. {The bell rings and Taylor fakes a lock-up, then backs off and rolls out of the ring. She stays out for a bit, conferring with Alliyah, before rolling back inside. The two lock up in a collar elbow, and Taylor shoves Blackthorne off, hopping out of the ring again.} [Stan]: Apparently, Taylor's strategem for this match is to make Dacia so mad she chokes on her own bile. [Kyle]: Not possible -- bile comes from the liver, and I doubt Rotgut Sally there has much of one left. [Heather]: We're NOT getting into this, Kyle. {Taylor gets back into the ring, and the two lock up again in a collar-elbow tie-up. Taylor pushes Dacia down to one knee, then applies a trapezius pinch.} [Heather]: "Cool" Kitty quickly moving to a technician's approach, applying pressure to the trapezius muscles ... [Kyle]: {lowered voice} All those fancy effects -- gotta be someone already rich ... no, couldn't be -- he wouldn't do that to me ... [Heather]: What are you mumblin-- you're STILL obsessing about Future Shock, aren't you? [Kyle]: HEY, I know a set-up when I see one! [Stan]: Yeah, I reckon he's designed his fair share. [Kyle]: First Rio Grande Spassky shows up to help out that loser Kerry-- HEY! Masks ... Mexico ... that's it! Spassky brought in his Gringo pals! [Stan]: I don't think that theory holds much water ... on account that the FCC *let* us run those Shock prerecorded comments, which has never been a trait of the Gringos. [Heather]: For the last time, Kyle, try to understand this: sometimes people just wear masks in Mexico. When they come to America, they don't unmask, because the mask is as much a part of them as their own faces. Got it? [Kyle]: Explain Mariposa de Hierro, then. [Heather]: {sigh} I give up. [Kyle]: I don't want YOU to give up, I want Dacia to give up, so Taylor doesn't have to waste any more time before the celebration party. [Stan]: Niiice segue. Wasn't sure you were even payin' attention ... {Dacia breaks out, and Taylor rolls her in a small package.} [Stan]: ... but, you'd better call a delay on that champagne ... [Kyle]: Not necessarily -- look! [Heather]: Quick pin rollup, and-- and a handful of tights! Newman doesn't see it ... one ... two ... but Dacia manages to tilt aside to break up the pin! {As the pair are getting back to their feet, Dacia grabs Taylor and spins her in a neckbreaker.} [Heather]: And Dacia with a high impact maneuver! {She stands up and drags Kitty to her feet, dropping her back to the mat with a Russian legsweep.} [Heather]: And ANOTHER! She's really starting to take out that frustration on Kitty Taylor ... no doubt, she'd rather it was Alliyah Johnston in the ring, though! {She grabs Kitty by the head as Taylor stands, and bulldogs her, then picks her up and DDTs her.} [Heather]: NOW we're seeing the Ringmaster who came inches away from the Women's championship ... [Kyle]: Close only counts in horseshoes and high-yield investment bonds ... of course, I'm only guessing on the horse-thingie. {Dacia drags her back up, but Taylor scratches at her eyes, then throws her out of the ring.} [Stan]: Reckon that's where "Cat Scratch Fever" comes in. [Heather]: I don't believe it! Taylor with a cheap shot tactic, and now Dacia is in no man's -- or woman's -- land, with Alliyah Johnston ready and waiting ... [Kyle]: What's not to believe? If you can learn anything from watching Dacia Blackthorne, it's that she's dense enough to fall victim to ANY plan of an ... unconventional nature ... [Heather]: ILLEGAL, you mean! {Alliyah kicks Dacia, who responds with a clothesline.} [Heather]: Alliyah with a shot to Dacia's midsection -- but DACIA TAKES HER DOWN!!! You go, girl! Dacia's bringing Alliyah back to her feet for more punishment -- wait a minute -- what the heck? >>AISLE<< {A woman in a candy-red bodysuit and mask comes walking briskly down the aisle.} [Heather]: Who is THAT? {She scoops Dacia up from behind and drops her backfirst on a knee.} [Heather]: Oh, NO! Dacia ambushed from behind by this mystery woman -- Alliyah seems as surprised as us, though with the "Mastermind", that could be feigned shock. [Kyle]: Oh, you and your biased accusations -- look at her! She's not helping the Fire Engine there, is she? She's probably worried about taking the collateral damage! {She then drags Dacia back to her feet and hoists her into a torture rack.} [Heather]: And now the newcomer POWERING Dacia up into a painful submission hold -- I think Newman's seen this attack, though ... {Newman is beginning to make a countout, but spots this, and signals for the ring bell instead.} [Heather]: I suppose Blackthorne can take some consolation in that -- later on -- but for now she's still trapped in that agonizing backbreaker -- BUT HERE COMES THE QUEEN!!! [Kyle]: You know, I'm beginning to think Mississippi's state hobby is the buzzkill. >>AISLE<< {The Mississippi Queen rushes down the aisle, making a beeline for the mystery woman; the Woman in Red tosses Blackthorne between them, and heads back down the aisle, as Queen checks to make sure Blackthorne's OK.} [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification ... the "RINGMASTER" ... DACIA ... BLACKTHORNE!!! [Stan]: Which I'm sure she'll be happy to hear about as soon as her spine knits. [Heather]: This is an *atrocious* ending -- Dacia left with a victory on paper, but a hollow resolution of her grudge with Alliyah, and a savaged back at the hands of this mystery woman ... [Kyle]: "Mystery woman"? Come ON, Heather, it doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out ... the way she stuck her nose where it didn't belong, the way she just rag-dolled a near-two-hundred pound woman like Dacia around, and that backbreaker rac-- no, let's not beat around the bush with generic terms here. She practically signed her name with that hold, Heather -- because we ALL know, THAT was the CHILD'S PLAY -- which means your perpetrator is none other than MADELINE FREECHILD!!! [Heather]: That's PREPOSTEROUS! What reason would Madeline have to attack Dacia? [Kyle]: Who WOULDN'T have a reason to attack that blowhard bi-- er, chick ... especially a woman who values her OWN camera time as much as Freechild, and can't afford to have some Loch Ness lush sucking it all up! [Heather]: That's *ridiculous* ... of course, I can't deny, that *was* Freechild's trademark submission hold, but ... anyways, it looks like we're ready for our next match. {"Nothing But A Good Time" by Poison comes over the PA and the crowd boos. They boo even more are Robbie Stevens comes out from the locker room wearing the TV title belt, tights which look like the American flag, a US Women's Hockey Jersey and a cape made of the Czech Republic and Finnish flags sewn together. Robbie taunts the crowd all the way down to the aisle. He gets in the ring and swipes the microphone away from the announcer.} [Robbie] I would like to say it's good to be here in Quebec... but I'd be lying. It stinks being in this third world nation with a bunch of loser frogs like you ... {The crowd says: BOOOO!} Let me start off by saying ... Our chicks can beat up your chicks any day of the week! {Robbie shows off the Hockey Jersey; this nets him another bucketful of boos.} And since it's the law up here they everything has to be in French as well as English, let me translate it for you ignorant cross dressing lumberjacks ... "Le chicks de le United States kicked le butts de Le cows de le Canada!" {The crowd boos some more as Grey Guardian V walks up to Robbie and taps him on his shoulder.} [Kyle]: All that talent, and he speaks French, too! [Robbie] {still facing away from the GGV and pushing him back} You hold your horses, I'll beat you as soon as I'm done ... Canada is so pathetic that even though you have about 1 month a year up here that's not winter, you're still terrible at winter sports. With a team full of professional athletes, the supposed best players in the world, you can't even beat Finland or the Czech Republic! You're all losers! {GGV taps on Robbie's shoulder again and Robbie pushes him away again.} [Robbie] I'm not done yet ... I'll take care of you in a minute ... {GGV turns away from Robbie and seems to be pulling something from out of his tights.} [Robbie] Now I understand why Quebec wants to be independent from the rest of the country. And you know what? I'm all for it. I think you frogs should be your own little country ... because the minute you do, the United States is gonna come up here, kick your beaver trapping butts, make you speak English and make you the 51st state! And we won't even need are military to do it, we'll send our Salvation Army up here and we'll have you conquered within three hours. It won't be much of a fight either ... that fat boy over there might take two blankets to take out but that's about the biggest challenge we'll have. {GGV taps Robbie on the shoulder again, once again Robbie pushes him away.} [Robbie] Stop interrupting me ... {GGV whirls around Robbie and decks him with a punch. Coins start rolling all over the ring.} [Heather]: HOLY COW!!! Robbie LAID OUT by what can only be described as a cheap shot, however deserved, from the Guardian-- [Stan]: Cheap? I'm counting at LEAST ten bucks in quarters down there, Heather ... [Heather]: Curtis Keyes is having words with Grey Guardian V ... the Guardian just pushes him away! He's -- he's pulling off his mask ... {Grey Guardian unmasks, to reveal the broadly grinning face of the "Wrestling Expert" Ed Carr.} [Heather]: IT'S ED CARR! ROBBIE'S TEACHER WAS UNDER THAT MASK! [Stan]: Attention, class -- school's back in session ... {soto voce} damn good going, kid. {Ed grabs a microphone.} [Ed Carr] Robbie, I think I speak for everyone here when I say ... SHUT UP!!! [Heather]: And HOW!!! [Carr] I warned you Stevens ... but you just don't like to listen. Well, I think you're gonna listen now. See, I'm a little different than a lot of folks around here. I don't follow the {coughs} sanctity of the rulebook as much as others. I'd like to think my intentions are good ... hell, I'm goin' after you, so I think everyone here would think my intentions are good. {Crowd pop.} Robbie, you may think you know every dirty trick in the book ... but I'm not quite done writing the book. You have your little Team Stevens ... they're on my list too. I'm not sweating them, 'cause I've got a couple friends. Get used to looking up at those lights Robbie, 'cause you're gonna be doing a lot of it. Oh, yeah ... the arm's fine, in case you were wondering {smirks}. {He drops the mike and heads out, as Curtis helps Robbie out of the ring, yelling something to Rod Allen, who visibly shrugs and steps into the ring.} [Heather]: Robbie Stevens, until now one of the AWI's masters of the head game, has just been well and truly aced by the man who brought him into the wrestling world! [Stan]: Today ... I sit before you ... the happiest man ... on the face of the Earth ... [Kyle]: How can you sit there and take pleasure in Robbie's misery? [Stan]: Try putting John Robertson's face over Robbie's. It works wonders. [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled this match no contest-- >>AISLE<< {"The Master Of The Northern Lights Suplex" Maurice Jackson suddenly charges down the aisle. He's not looking pleased, and the crowd is already booing him for holding up the action.} [Heather]: Oh, no -- what does HE want? [Stan]: Offhand, I'd say the microphone. {Jackson rolls into the ring and grabs the microphone from Rod, then looks around at the crowd before speaking.} [Mr. NLS] Alright, I have HAD IT with that snivelling little jerk, "The Worthless One" Kerry Masters! {Pop from the crowd when Masters's name is mentioned.} You see, I got pretty tired of waiting around, while his lawyers go over every last INCH of our match contract ... seems to me, he's just SCARED! {Bigger boos from the crowd.} So Masters, I'm calling ... you ... OUT! {Nothing happens. A "Ker-ry ... Ker-ry" chant starts up.} Oh yeah, he's yer little HERO, ain't he? Well, where's your hero now? {The Prince-High-Pitched-Scream fills the arena, as "Gett Off" keys up.} >>AISLE<< {"The Awesome One" Kerry Masters, in street clothes, pops through the curtains, house mic in hand, and a grin on his face.} [TAOKM] I'm where every good hero should be ... walking down the deserted street, ready for the showdown with the evil, despicable, non-sense-of-humor-having, and, in this case, half-pint and fully-ugly bad guy. {BIG pop from the crowd.} [Mr. NLS] 'Bout time you showed your face, Masters ... [TAOKM] ANYTIME's a good time to show /MY/ face ... but enough about the Wonders of the Modern World ... {having made it all the way to the ringside area} It sounds to me like you want to take our little battle of wits to a physical level. Now ... I can't do anything without consulting my advisors ... so ... {turns to the northern crowd} So do /YOU ALL/ think I should give Tiny Tim a spanking? {The crowd cheers. Kerry runs to the eastern part of the crowd} Do /YOU ALL/ WANT me to break every one of Keebler's cookies? {That side cheers even louder. Kerry runs to southern crowd area} Do /YOU ALL/ want me to whup Tattoo over here so bad he'll be yelling "DE PAIN!!! DE PAIN!!!"? {This is met with enthusiastic cheers, mixed with laughter. Kerry runs to the western part of the crowd.} Do /YOU ALL/ want me to beat this man so badly, he'll think he's Snap, Krackle, AND Pop?!?! {If Kerry was Steve Austin, he'd be getting a "Hell, Yeah". As it is, he'll have to settle for a mad pop.} Well ... ya know ... it sounds like my advisors want to see a match, so let's GET IT ON!!!! [Kyle]: If there were more than four sides to this building, I'd be so physically ill I'd sue the league to slap a warning label on his mouth: "The Surgeon General has found that this Kerry Masters contains toxic amounts of pandering twit, which has been known to cause intense nausea in lab animals, and any other creatures with even a modicum of brain cells." {He enters the ring, and starts removing his shirt, which draws a brief pop from the crowd, at least the female section.} [Mr. NLS] I hope yer ready for the biggest ass-kicking of your life, BOY! But before the slaughter starts, I want a referee here ... I want to make sure this here match is all nice and legal, so when you're in my Groundominal Stretch, begging for mercy, or getting pounded into the mat with one of my 101 Northern Lights Suplexes, I can be sure that next week, there's no "He didn't beat me fairly!" rants from "The Awful One". [Stan]: You know, we've got this law down in Texas ... when you call a grown black man "boy," the state's not responsible for what happens next. I hope Mo-Rice's medical plan is up to date. {"Who Brings the Loot" by Grand Puba and the Brand New Heavies starts up, as the AWI Commissioner Jamahn Chamberlin, accompanied as always by his bodyguard Felony Slade, comes down to the ring, followed closely by AWI referee Tom Newman. Chamberlin quickly jumps into the ring and walks over to take Jackson's mic. A quick glare from Jackson makes Chamberlin do a 180 over to Masters to take *his* mic.} [Chamberlin] {to crowd} HELLO, CANADA!!! {The crowd cheers politely, primarily because Jamahn can always be counted on to to fold like a leaf to public pressure -- er, to give the fans what they're paying to see.} [Chamberlin] It seems to me that we need three things to make this party happen. First, y'all have to agree to it -- which you have. Second, we need witnesses to that agreement {looks out at the crowd, and nods approvingly} I think we got that covered, too. And last, we need an AWI licensed official to make sure you two don't wreck anything important -- and Tom here's free at this time. So, {exaggeratedly pompous tone} via the power vested in me by being Commissoner of this league ... {normal voice} y'all can get to it! {He steps exits the ring, along with Felony Slade, as Newman squares the two off and signals for the bell.} [Heather]: Well, fans, it looks like we're going to get a match out of this after all -- never say the AWI is one to leave you short! [Kyle]: Hey, I caught that snicker -- that's a short joke! You're trying to side with Kerry, aren't you! [Heather]: I didn't-- I mean-- oh, FORGET it ... {The two lock into a collar-elbow tieup, which Jackson quickly shifts to an armdrag takedown, then twists Kerry into an armbar. Kerry breaks out and kicks Jackson, then dropkicks him as the two get back to their feet. He climbs the corner, and lets Maurice stand before jumping off with a flying dropkick, then makes a cover: 1 ... Maurice throws him off.} [Heather]: And in the early going, Kerry's showing the aggressive style that worked so well for him in the past. [Stan]: As I recall, *that* style involved kickin' the World champion through a mirror ... I'm guessin' he's changed it just a tad. [Kyle]: Yeah, now he'd never do something like that, and run the risk of running out of mirrors to look at himself in ... {Kerry stands up and wraps Jackson in an inside toehold; Maurice breaks the hold, and attempts a legsweep, but Kerry hops over the leg and flips into a somersault legdrop. He then locks Maurice into an armbar. Jackson breaks out, and Kerry kicks him, then puts on another toehold; Maurice escapes, and Kerry drops a somersault legdrop on him, then lifts him with an armbar. He plants Jackson with a single-arm DDT after a bit, and returns to the toehold.} [Stan]: Does anyone else feel like they've been put on instant replay? [Heather]: Kerry simply looks to be showing a very systematic approach to this match -- if he keeps Maurice off his feet as much as possible, he goes a long way towards eliminating Jackson's devastating suplexes ... and by taking weakening both arm and leg, he may be hoping to ruin both Maurice's grip and support. [Kyle]: Either that, or he's just so SCARED he can't THINK of anything else! He's mentally paralyzed with fear! [Heather]: That's an ... interesting theory, too ... {Jackson breaks out, and Kerry heads for the corner; climbing up top, he jumps off with a flying elbowdrop.} [Heather]: Maurice is free again, and Kerry looks ready to risk the aerial attack ... and there's the payoff! {He pulls Maurice up, then DDTs him, and kicks him on the ground before putting on an armbar; after a few moments, he stands Jackson up, and delivers another single-arm DDT, before wrapping him in another toehold.} [Kyle]: The stress was too much for him, Heather -- he broke free for a moment, but his LIFE flashed before his eyes, and he fell right back into his frozen bunny tactics! [Stan]: Complain all you want, but from where I'm sittin', that there bunny is still WINNING this match. [Kyle]: Ha! How's he going to win if his fear-addled mind has forgotten how to PIN someone? [Heather]: I ... *suppose* that would be a valid consideration ... {Maurice twists out, and Kerry hits him with a somersault legdrop; he grabs him by the arm and single-arm DDTs him again, then applies an armbar/arm scissors combination.} [Heather]: Kerry Masters revealing another dimension, stepping up the upper body attack with this new armlock. [Stan]: And this fits into the scared theory how? [Kyle]: I'm working on it, OK? Genius takes time ... [Stan]: Yeah, but this is you we're talkin' about, so answer up. {Maurice breaks the lock, and Kerry twists him back into a toehold; Maurice escapes, and legsweeps him to the mat, before applying a leg grapevine lock.} [Kyle]: Ha -- looks like Masters is in for a little payback! It's going to be hard for Kerry to make all those short jokes when he's SHORT one leg! [Stan]: Careful there, boy, Maurice might think YOU'RE making jokes ... {Kerry breaks the lock; Maurice hits him with a side kick, then pulls him up and DDTs him. He returns to the leg grapevine lock.} [Heather]: It certainly seems like Maurice Jackson is focussing on taking Kerry down a peg, perhaps hoping to cut short his aerial tactics by reducing his mobility. [Kyle]: Or, in layman's terms, your Lear can't take off if you don't have tires to taxi with! [Stan]: Uh, Kyle, your average layman's never seen a Lear. [Kyle]: Then they're not worth explaining it to. {Kerry escapes, and staggers to his feet; Maurice catches him with a belly-to-belly suplex, and hooks a leg, but Kerry kicks out before the count.} [Heather]: RIVETING suplex from Maurice Jackson, and he makes the cover-- no, Pin Nazi! {Maurice DDTs him as they stand, then puts him back in the leg grapevine.} [Kyle]: Look at that focus ... after this match, Kerry's going to be the Epitome of One Gimp Knee ... and, of course, this is undoubtedly just leading to the unveiling of the *Grapevined* Northern Lights Suplex! [Stan]: You do understand that these here moves aren't named randomly, right, Kyle? Because thinkin' that one through's enough to make my head hurt worse than if I'd BEEN suplexed ... [Kyle]: Go ahead, mock me, mock Maurice, until he DOES it! {Kerry breaks out of the hold, and hits Maurice with a punch to the groin; he makes his way back to his feet, and takes down Jackson with a hurricarana.} [Heather]: Kerry out of the hold -- AND HE'S NOT GROUNDED YET! Kerry just SNAPPING Jackson to the ground with that 'rana! {He stands back up, limping slightly, and nails Jackson with a somersault legdrop.} [Heather]: Masters delivering another acrobatic attack ... [Kyle]: Oh, come on, Heather, look at him hobbling around -- he's lamer than Old Man Straite! He's slower than the Bore Machine! Any moment now, he's gonna limp in the wrong direction, and Jackson's going to N-L-S his mouth all the way back to the dressing room! {Kerry heads to the corner, climbing to the top turnbuckle as Maurice gets back to his feet. Kerry jumps off with a flying sunset flip.} [Heather]: Kerry off from the top ... WITH THE AWESOME ENDING!!! 1 ... [Kyle]: You mean the "Awesome Not Quite Enough Juice To Be An Ending" ... [Heather]: ... 2 ... THREE!!! THERE'S NO 'JUICE' MISSING TONIGHT, KYLE!!! [Kyle]: I -- I -- I -- [Stan]: Careful, Kyle -- some birds up here might mistake that for a mating call. [Rod Allen] {stepping into the ring with a mic} Ladies and gentlemen ... the winner of this match ... "THE AAAWWWEEESOME ONE" ... KERRY ... MAAAAAAAAASTEEERS!!! {The crowd cheers enthusiastically as Kerry rolls out of the ring to take a victory lap around the ringside area, before heading back down the aisle.} >>PRESSBOX<< [Kyle] Just LOOK at this travesty ... impulsive challenges with no time for preparation ... quick referee counts left undisputed ... a lack of focus throughout the match ... THIS is what happens when you don't have a manager to look out for you! [Heather] I don't believe you. Kerry Masters wins an incredibly tough match, and you're trying to turn it into a recruiting drive! Just who do you think you are? [Kyle] The manager with the Midas touch, of course. [Stan] I can't help but notice nobody's beating down your door. I guess being shown up by a lady from a state without a Hollywood in it will do that. [Kyle] I was NOT 'shown up'! That-- [Heather] AND it's time for out next match ... let's check out the ring again, shall we? >>AISLE<< {"Ordinary Average Guys" by Joe Walsh cues up on the speakers, as Steve the Insane and Joe Walker make their way down the aisle. Steve is pretty damn happy, smiling, slapping hands, etc.; Joe is likewise mugging for the fans, though a little more restrained than Steve, lagging a bit behind and circling in place as he walks. They get to the ring, and hop inside, grabbing the ring mic.} [Joe Walker] Hey, everybody! Being that this is such a momentous occasion and all, Steve and I realized we have to put a little showmanship into this introduction ... Rod, I got nothing against your Buffer routine, works great in the States, but this is Montreal! This is Canada! Here, you need a little more STYLE! So, without further ado ... {Joe and Steve pull out a pair of touks (knit stocking caps) and put them on, then begin the Bob & Doug MacKenzie whistle from SCTV's "Great White North" ("whoo-whoo-hoo-hoo whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo")} [Joe] {in a MacKenziesque voice} Great city, eh? I'm thinking, Montreal isn't too different from Denver ... you got mountains, you got snow, you got beer, you got baseball ... and now, you've got the AWI! {Crowd cheers mildly.} So, like, I'm Joe and this is Steve, and we're Looking For A Fight, eh? {dropping back to his normal voice} And boy does it look like we found one. Steve, you want to tell these fans something about our lucky contestants tonight? [Steve] I've been a bit confused lately ... but I'm feeling much better now. A few weeks ago, though, I had a match with Nick Vorpal. Now, he powerbombed me on a chair ... kinda like those two ... {Steve leaves the ring and gets two chairs, handing one to Joe as he re-enters.} [Steve] Y'know ... THAT WASN'T VERY NICE NICK! Now, I could just let bygones be bygones ... but where's the fun in that? [Joe] You two think you're on some kind of mission from God? Hey, everybody's screwed up SOME way, so that's cool. But let me tell you something ... {lifts his left fist, wrapped in black electrician's tape} this IS the Hand of God, boys -- at least, that's what you're going to think when it smacks upside your head or thumps you in the heart, and God's saying RUN AWAY AND HIDE!!! See, a pair of churchgoing saints like yourselves, you just don't know WHAT a couple of ordinary, average guys like Steve and me are capable of -- you just know, IT AIN'T GONNA BE SUNDAY SCHOOL! [Steve] Vorpal, James, Philosopher ... you can all come and play. Like the name says, we're Looking For a Fight. The bigger the better {grins}. >>AISLE<< {Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" ("For unto us a child is born") strikes up on the PA as the lights dim; laser lights form a Celtic cross pattern over the aisle entrance, with a spotlight in the center that illuminates Reverend James like a halo. He walks down to the ring with his head bowed and arms outstretched overhead, Nick Vorpal and Mikhail Tzskova close in tow. As he reaches the ring, he steps inside and begins to speak, a lapel mike picking up his soft-spoken, deep-voiced words.} [Reverend James] Let us pray for these lost souls, my congregation ... for tonight, the servants of the LORD, the Reverend Jeremiah James and his noble disciple Nicholas Vorpal, step forth from the House of Truth to do battle with men of great sin and corruption ... you see before you one Stephen Hurley, a self admitted madman with murder in his heart, who would do grievous bodily injury to his fellow man for no better reason than the base and carnal desire of a woman ... and his newfound ally, this Joe Walker, who bears the wisdom to know that he has done wrong, but also the folly to believe that he can win redemption from mortal powers, that by satisfying the whims of the mob he can somehow cleanse his tarnished soul. In your own way, Joe Walker, you have chosen the right path, for only the will of the LORD brings true redemption, and tonight you and the Insane One will be purged with a taste of hell. Be strong, and learn from your pain. So says the Book of Truth ... Amen. {Joe tries to fistbounce with the Right-On Reverend to start the match, but the Rev turns it into a last-rites type blessing ... this seems to tick Joe off, and he tags in Steve right away to make himself feel better.} [Kyle]: Aw, gee, Joe looks so *sad* that James won't play nice -- he ought to be happy JJ didn't bounce his fists off Joe's HEAD! [Heather]: Of course, the same thing could be said of the Reverend, Kyle ... {Steve and Jeremiah spend the next several seconds circling each other and launching punches and kicks at each other with little effect.} [Stan]: Well, except for the fact that James hasn't shown a whole lot of concern about EVER getting hit. {Steve gets the advantage, first with a solid punch, then with a kick, a whip to the ropes, and a back-elbow.} [Heather]: If that's true, then, Stan, he has very little to worry about this offensive from Steve ... {James hits Steve with a double axhandle; Steve punches and kicks his way to regain the advantage, leading to another whip to the ropes and an elbow.} [Heather]: A drop in the ocean from James does little to thwart this brawling assault from the Insane One. [Kyle]: Hey, he's probably LETTING Steve get these shots in ... turning the other cheek and all that ... {Steve breaks the monotony by slamming Jeremiah's head into the turnbuckle. Not a happy parson, the Reverend retaliates with a european uppercut, and then dumping Steve over the top.} [Heather]: Steve smashing James-- no, James gets in a quick shot -- and Steve goes flying over the top rope! [Kyle]: One more in the history of great Falls: Lucifer, Adam, Babel, now Steve! [Stan]: I think Steve fell a lot earlier than this -- possibly several times from the cradle, which would explain quite a bit when you stop to think. {He joins Steve on the outside, and hurls him into the ringside steps, then gives him a fallaway slam onto Rod Allen's chair -- with Rod Allen having barely enough time to vacate it first.} [Heather]: Reverend James delivering a BRUTAL attack outside the ring ... oh, my GOD, right on a chair-- [Kyle]: No, not your God, Heather, HIS God ... [Stan]: Rod just got far more involved in this match than I reckoned he would've wanted. {By this time, the cavalry for both sides has arrived -- Nick drives a knee off the apron into Steve's back, while Joe tosses a chair in the air and thrust-kicks it into the Rev.} [Heather]: Nick Vorpal taking the attack to Steve even as Joe fends off the Reverend James ... [Stan]: Gotta give him points for creative use there. {Vorpal wraps his chain around his hand, and proceeds to severely pummel Steve's lower back/kidney area, until Joe distracts him with an axe kick.} [Heather]: Nick just going to WORK on Steve the Insane, obviously trying to finish the job he started in their singles match -- but Joe's there to make the save! {Mikhail calls Brandie Mulroney over to discuss something.} [Heather]: The referee should be doing something to break this up -- but Brandie Mulroney is occupied by some business Tzskova's drummed up ... [Kyle]: Hey, potential converts are EVERYWHERE, Heather -- you can't blame a guy for trying to dispense a little wisdom. [Stan]: Eh, he's probably just hitting her up for cabfare. {Joe rolls Steve into the ring, but Nick and James catch Joe himself, and whip him into the railing. Vorpal then hangs him up in a powerchoke, while James hits the ring, and nails Steve with a double axhandle.} [Heather]: Things look bad -- it seems these questionable tactics have paid off for Reverend James and Nick Vorpal. [Stan]: I don't see where it's all that big a question: they're looking to give a whupping. Pretty easy to understand. {Joe escapes with a below-the-belt kick to Nick, while James gives StI a short-arm elbow smash. James whips Steve to the ropes, and nails him with a boot kick. StI regains control momentarily with a punch, but James retaliates with a vicious chokehold; when Brandie takes issue with it, he "breaks" it by converting to a chokeslam.} [Heather]: The Insane One is taking immense punishment ... [Kyle]: You bet he is, baby! He's got it coming! Is there any man who deserves it more? [Heather]: Robbie Stevens? Tank Bradley? Mikhail Tzskova? [Stan]: J. Robertson, Sr.? {They drag StI to their corner while Tszkova discusses "philosophy" with Brandie again, and drive Steve's head into the boot Nick raised onto the buckle. Nick then lays into Steve with his chained hands.} [Kyle]: SMALL POTATOES! THIS guy is the Hitler of the AWI! He was going to execute a whole stadium of fans just to get at the Tiger! [Heather]: That is a BLATANT exaggeration! [Stan]: Yeah -- that can would've barely lit up the first row, maybe the second with a good tailwind. [Heather]: STAN, you are NOT helping! [Stan]: Hey, I'm here to watch four guys beat the tar out of each other. You want help, call Covenant House. {Joe realizes the ring is no good as a shortcut, and sprints around. Vorpal tries to choke Steve with the chain, but Steve gives him a back-elbow -- only to get axhandled by the Rev.} [Heather]: Steve the Insane trapped in a vicious double team situation -- it's obvious that James and his "disciples" are focussing their efforts on Steve, undoubtedly with the goal of gaining the Tiger's wages of sin! [Kyle]: {gasp} Heather! You're accusing a man of the Reverend's stature of being a greedy headhunter? [Heather]: "Stature"? We've yet to see anything from Reverend James which would make him worthy of admiration ... [Kyle]: Not SOCIAL standing, Heather, STATURE -- the guy's big enough to use you for a candle taper! Let's not work him up, okay? {Joe yanks Nick off the apron into a short-arm uppercut, while James takes over choking-Steve-with-chain duties. He then nails Steve with a belly-to-belly, as Joe gives Nick a thrust kick for good measure. When the Reverend goes to tag, it's Joe who takes the tag, and turns into a short-arm punch, which staggers James, who gets caught from behind by Steve for an electric-chair powerbomb as Joe gets back to his real corner.} [Heather]: And Steve finally takes down James, with a HUGE Yappian Facedriver!!! [Kyle]: Yappia-- where the heck are you getting these names from? [Heather]: Steve the Insane has always been very friendly to the press. [Kyle]: Uh-huh. VERY friendly. And I thought TRINITY needed some integrity ... [Stan]: I don't know what's scarier -- the idea of you insultin' somebody else's integrity, or the idea of Steve the Insane puttin' out a press release. {StI hits a bulldog, makes the tag to Joe, and they hit a tandem kick, followed by a double-whip to the corner.} [Heather]: And LOOK AT THEM GO! Looking For a Fight displaying impressive teamwork for their debut in tag competition ... [Stan]: I reckon it stands to reason, Heather -- these two spent so much time beatin' on each OTHER a ways back that they gotta know each other like the back of that taped fist. {Joe charges into the corner, but catches more Vorpal boot. Joe punches James away as he attempts a double-team, but gets stomped by Vorpal, who follows up with a headbutt combo.} [Kyle]: YEAH, see how well Joe does without Steve to take his beatings for him? Just goes to show, it takes BOTH of those two punch-drunk lugs to equal-- [Stan]: BOTH of the OTHER two punch-drunk lugs. {Nick whips Joe to the ropes, and delivers a massive sidewalk slam. He sets up a front-face piledriver.} [Heather]: BIG power maneuver from the Madman with a Mission! And now he's setting up to put Joe away ... {Joe pivots away and delivers a crescent kick, a back spin fist, whip to the ropes, and a side kick.} [Heather]: But NO! Joe Walker fighting back with a series of martial arts attacks! [Kyle]: That sneaky cheat! Just when you've got the streetfighting angle covered, out comes the kickboxing! {Joe scoops Vorpal up for a bodyslam; unfortunately, Vorpal's punches stop him cold there, and then Nick lifts him up in a powerchoke.} [Heather]: Vorpal regains the advantage -- and now he's trying to choke the life out of Joe! Joe manages to work his way free -- oh, no! Nick's grabbing him for the Vorpal Blade -- not happening!!! [Kyle]: We can all dream, can't we? {Joe ducks out when Nick grabs him to attempt a diamond cutter; Nick dropkicks him to console himself, then drags him to James's corner, tagging in the Reverend before beginning a flurry of punches.} [Heather]: Joe in double-team straits himself now ... he's fighting them off the best he can ... [Stan]: And normally, I'd say his best is more than good enough ... but he's standin' between two maladjusted men and a six-foot-five, 25 grand church donation ... I don't think Vegas will be givin' good odds on this. [Kyle]: Hey, I can think of LOTS worse places to be standing ... like anywhere between Kerry Masters and a microphone! {Joe delivers a snap kick each to James and Vorpal; he grabs James to whip him into the turnbuckle, but James spins him around to collide with the other buckle, following through with a clothesline. He then begins to choke Joe against the corner; Joe breaks free with a palm thrust flurry to the chest.} [Heather]: And Joe with a herculean effort to fight off the punishment the House of Truth is dishing out here ... [Kyle]: He's going about it all wrong, then -- all he has to do is tag out and remember he's not the one worth $25,000 crippled. {He grabs James and whips him to the ropes, catching him with a powerslam; he holds it for a pincount: 1 ... James powers it over to pin Joe: 1 ... 2 ... Joe gets a shoulder up.} [Stan]: That's gotta be a sign Joe's in trouble ... when the guy you're fightin' can turn bein' pinned into a danger to you. {Both men stand up, and Joe punches the Reverend, then goes to tag in Steve; James shoves him over the top from behind, knocking both Joe and Steve to the floor.} [Heather]: Steve and Joe BOTH out on the mat now! Things could get VERY ugly soon ... [Stan]: And they've been what so far? {He steps out on the apron and nails Steve with a hipbuster elbow. Standing up, he drags Steve into standing head scissors, and makes a brief praying motion.} [Heather]: Oh, my God -- he's going for the Cross of Burdens! [Kyle]: Can you say "Ka-Ching?" {Steve grabs him by the waist, spinning around to stungun James on the railing rim.} [Heather]: NO! The FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!!! [Kyle]: HOLY MOTHER OF-- THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A METAPHOR, STEVE!!! {Tzskova and Vorpal close in to help out James, but Joe's on his feet just in time, and cuts Mikhail short with a thrust kick, while Steve backdrops a charging Nick Vorpal. Joe rolls into the ring just before the count, as Nick Vorpal hits Steve with a groin punch from the floor. Tzskova helps James back to his feet, who closes with the reeling Steve and delivers a short-arm elbow; Nick Vorpal then grabs Steve and diamond cutters him, as the referee signals for the bell. [Heather]: And that's going to be all for this match -- it looks like Looking For A Fight is going to walk out with a countout victory ... [Kyle]: Wrong as usual, volleygirl ... from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look like Steve's walking out of here at all! [Heather]: Joe seems to be thinking along the same lines -- [Stan]: Which isn't something I thought I'd hear this century ... [Heather]: -- as he slides through the ropes to kick Vorpal away ... but the Right-On Reverend has Steve up, and delivers the Cross of Burdens! We've got a four-way brawl, and our winners are decidedly on the wrong end of it -- but here come Justice and Jerry Straite, with the AWI security personnel racing to keep up! [Kyle]: What are THEY doing out here? [Heather]: We've already seen Jerry Straite's friendship with Steve, and Justice is known for-- [Kyle]: Not /those/ primates! The security guys! Doesn't the league realize it'd be cheaper to lose one Steve than pay all those clock-watchers to keep him safe? [Heather]: Stan ... please ... [Stan]: Well, since you asked nicely: pretty boy, there are 20,000 people in this building who wouldn't be if the crazy yellow-haired guy with the goofy grin was in a hospital right now. Try to keep that in mind. In the meantime, the next match is also filled with people I like. Namely, one tough hombre in the person of Tank Bradley, and two no-nonsense guys in the persons of the Chaos Brothers. I've been yabbering for too long now, and since the alternative is letting Kyle talk again, what say I shut up and let all three of them sound off? ================================================================= {The camera fades in to a backstage area where the Chaos Brothers pass the time until their match. Blunt paces nervously around the spartan room, muttering something under his breath the whole time. Zap is calm amidst the storm, sprawled in the middle of the carpet stretching his legs out in a hurdle stretch.} [Zap] You're not taking this well. [Blunt] I'm not, huh? Have you ever had an enraged lunatic jump on YOUR head? How would you take it? [Zap] Having a lunatic jumping on your head is a pretty accurate description of a good Berlin mosh pit. [Blunt] Beautiful. We get the crap pounded out of us and my partner gets nostalgic. Hey Hazard, land on Zap next time, he's getting homesick! [Zap] Come on Blunt, you've been beat on worse than that. [Blunt] How would you know? [Zap] Your sister tells stories. Look, forget the lunatics, focus on the creeps. We've got a match with Agony & Ecstasy in about five minutes. We can sweat Hazard and his friend when we've got the belts. [Blunt] If, that's IF we get the belts. I don't trust this whole setup. I can't believe the security guards won't let me bring some protection. [Zap] No one in this arena wants you to bring in your shotgun. Now for chrissake just chill, alright? You know you can't think when you're this worked up. Now take a deep breath and give me the lowdown on A&E out there. {Blunt stops pacing and leans against a wall. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. A second later he opens them again, noticeably more composed.} [Zap] Better? [Blunt] Better. Thanks. Well for starters, Agony and Ecstasy aren't like any team we've faced so far. They start the match by throwing the entire rulebook out the window. The trick is going to be keeping them off balance. We can do that, we've got the strategies for it worked out, but we also have to deal with Robbie. So far we're about the only team that hasn't been the subject of a Stevens rant yet. Not that I'm complaining, mind. But we can assume that he's underestimating us. Thinks we're ... what was it Esprit called us ... the Flavor-of-the-month. We can work with that. [Zap] {standing up} Now your thinking again. Come on, let's get moving before it wears off. [Blunt] Allll right, let's go deliver some Blunt Trauma! [Zap] I think I liked you better when you were nervous. {The Chaos brothers exit the scene and the camera fades out.} ================================================================= {Cut to the locker room where Team Stevens is standing by. Corey is in the background putting an ice pack on Robbie's head. Tank Bradley and Joey Hasegawa are standing by preparing for their match.} [Tank] Chaos Brothers! You're in a bad position. We're not only hungry for those titles, but Carr jumped our manager! But we don't care about that ... [Robbie] Heyyyyy ... ow! [Tank] With him at 100% or 50%, it doesn't matter! Because you're stepping in the with Walking Weapon of Mass Destruction and Smiling Joey Hasegawa, not him! I'm going throw you all around the arena and there's nothing you can do about it! This is my first shot at a belt and you can bet I'm not walking home empty handed! [Joey] The Sensei is an important part of Agony and Ecstasy ... but not the most important. Chaos Brothers, you're very good at what you do. You're not, however, Agony and Ecstasy. The Tank is hungry for some gold ... and so am I. Blunt, Zap -- you can take some comfort in the fact that you were the second best team in the tournament. There is no way you'll be winning those belts though. They look far too good to be going around your waists ... they belong right here, around the waists of the best looking tag team in wrestling ... other than the Sharp Dressed Men, of course, Sensei {bows to Robbie}. [Tank] You punks are in for a world of pain! And Paul Stone, you better pray I don't see you any time soon! ================================================================= {Cut to the ring, where Rod Allen is standing with a mic.} [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is the final round of the North American Tag Team championship tournament! This match is set for one fall, with NO time limit -- there MUST BE A WINNER! The first team now entering the ring, weighing in at a combined total of four hundred and thirty pounds ... "Zap" London and "Blunt" Dakota ... the CHAAAOOOSSS BROTHERS!!! {The crowds give a welcoming cheer to the fast-rising duo as they jog down to the ring.} [Allen] And their opponents tonight, weighing in at a combined total of five-hundred and eighty-nine pounds ... accompanied to the ring tonight by their manager, AWI Television champion Robbie Stevens ... Scott "Tank" Bradley and Toshiaki Hasegawa ... AGONY ... AND ... ECSTASY!!! {The Terrible Trio makes their way down to the ring to a rousing chorus of boos, Robbie still holding an icepack to his head.} [Allen] Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes. {Zap starts in the ring against Toshiaki. Joey offers a collar elbow tieup; Zap passes, and Hasegawa breaks into a "catwalk" strut. Zap nails him with a spinning wheel kick.} [Heather]: Hel-LO! Zap not in ANY mood to put up with hijinx from Team Stevens tonight! {He follows with a leg drop, then pulls him back to his feet, sending him to the ropes to deliver a back elbow smash on the return. He follows this up with a snap kick as Toshiaki stands, and a legsweep to send him back to the mat, where Zap stomps on him a couple of times; Toshiaki rolls out of the ring for a breather.} [Heather]: Hasegawa decides it's better to be FASHIONABLY late for this match ... [Kyle]: Heather, I personally made sure Paul Stone stayed home for this trip so I wouldn't have to put up with bad puns like that ... {Joey heads back in and calls in Zap for a collar-elbow tieup; as London follows the referee's directive, Hasegawa hits him with a groin kick flurry, then whips him to the ropes, to perform a handspring hip check on the rebound.} [Heather]: Joey with a Booty Call to knock down Zap ... {Joey tags in Bradley, and whips Zap into the ropes again, catching him with an inverted atomic drop before leaving the ring. Bradley picks up Zap only to get hit with a forearm; Tank retaliates with a bodyslam.} [Kyle]: My expert managerial strategy for the Chaos Brothers -- GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG! You don't stand a CHANCE against this man! {Tank picks him up for a Canadian backbreaker, but Zap slides down behind his shoulder; Tank swings around to hit him with a clothesline, but Zap ducks. Zap legsweeps Bradley and tags in Blunt, who steps inside to fell Tank with a drop toehold as he's getting back to his feet.} [Heather]: Not only do they stand a chance, Kyle, but they seem to have Tank's number -- he's absolutely flummoxed by that display of defensive wrestling! [Kyle]: If it's "defensive", it's not "wrestling". {Tank breaks the hold and gets back to his feet, but Blunt pulls him down with a single-leg takedown; he goes for a half-crab, but gets kicked into the ropes. Tank stands up and nails him from behind with a forearm to the neck, then locks on a trapezius pinch. Blunt breaks free, and single-leg takedowns Bradley; he attempts a toehold, but Tank throws him through the ropes.} [Kyle]: YES! Tank Bradley shows Blunt some prime real estate in Robbie's home court! {Tank argues with Keyes about that action, while Robbie hits Blunt with a savate kick outside. Zap charges outside and hits Robbie with a spinning wheel kick, while Joey hops off the apron to return Blunt to the ring.} [Heather]: Zap coming to the rescue -- and a wheel kick takes down Robbie! [Stan]: I think he's suffering a coinroll flashback. {Blunt snapmares Tank when he closes from behind, then puts on a wakigatme armbar.} [Stan]: Now, I wonder why that particular armbar keeps popping up here ... it couldn't have anything to do with the phrase "World Tag Team Champions, Intensive Care," y'reckon? {Tank shakes him off, and Blunt switches to leg scissors; Joey attempts to hit him with a springboard maneuver, but Blunt rolls aside.} [Heather]: And a crucial miscalculation by Smilin' Joey ... [Kyle]: Hey, at least he looked good doing it. [Stan]: Can't say I agree with you. [Kyle]: And why not? [Stan]: The mat doesn't match his tights. {Curtis Keyes directs Hasegawa out of the ring, as Tank breaks the hold. Blunt puts on a half nelson, but Tank shrugs him off and slams him to the mat, then tags in Toshiaki. Hasegawa hops onto the top rope and springs off to hit Blunt with a bodypress.} [Kyle]: That evens the score for the earlier miss, and then some ... Agony & Ecstasy have really got it together! If they're this good with Robbie, just THINK how good they'll be under the wing of the Wizard of West Beverly! [Stan]: I'm guessing I won't have much use for that knowledge, seein' as Robbie clings to his wrestlers like morons to a beeper. [Kyle]: Now just what is wrong with {BREE-EE-EE-EE}-- Hold on one sec ... [Stan]: I rest my case. {He drags Blunt to his feet and throws him into the ropes, hitting him with a dropkick on the rebound. Toshiaki hops on the ropes and moonsaults off; Blunt rolls aside, but Hasegawa lands on his feet.} [Heather]: I hate to admit it, but nice recovery on the part of Hasegawa. [Kyle]: The man's a former TV champion, Heather! You don't think someone just GAVE him the title, do you? [Heather]: As a matter of-- [Kyle]: Of COURSE not! You get to be champion by being the best there is! [Heather]: But Toshiaki-- [Kyle]: So WHY are you trying to demean the skills of a PROVEN champion? [Heather]: I give up. {Blunt stands up, and Toshiaki legdrags him back down. Toshiaki attempts a toehold, but Blunt catches him in headscissors and pulls him to the mat. Standing up, he puts on a leg grapevine hold; when Toshiaki pushes out, Blunt stands up and elbow drops the leg, then applies a legbar hold. Hasegawa kicks out of that hold, but Blunt quickly puts on an STF.} [Kyle]: This is intolerable -- how dare Blunt mock the Fashion Plate of the AWI by using his own Fashion Victim against him? That's like giving Gloria Vanderbilt a dress from Sears for Christmas! [Stan]: And like most men in regards to that dress, Joey probably can't tell the difference between holds just now ... [Heather]: Wouldn't Blunt's be the one that hurts? [Stan]: Touche. {Hasegawa breaks out; Zap climbs to the top as Blunt and Joey get to their feet. Joey whips Blunt to the ropes; Robbie gets on the apron and knocks Zap into the ring as Joey hits the handspring hipcheck on Blunt. The referee directs Zap from the ring} [Heather] That's ridiculous! Zap didn't do anything! [Kyle] Which is why he's such a lousy tag partner. {Tank enters the ring and helps Hasegawa, lifting Blunt into a double atomic drop. Tank steps outside momentarily so the two can tag for the benefit of the returning referee; he then reenters, only to fall for a single-leg takedown from Blunt. Blunt goes for the half-crab, but gets shoved away; Tank gets up and headbutts him, then lifts him into a Canadian backbreaker.} [Heather]: This could be it -- Blunt seems unable to find a way down ... [Kyle]: Tank'll give him away down -- when he goes to polish his shiny new belt with Blunt's face! {Dakota "tags" Zap with a foot, just before he gets powerbombed. Zap hops into the ring, and fells Tank Bradley with an enziguiri kick.} [Heather]: An ... unconventional tag by Blunt Dakota, but Curtis Keyes is choosing to accept it ... and it does the trick, as Zap cuts down Tank like a logging crew! [Kyle]: Sneak! Cheat! [Stan]: Proving another important principle of tagteam wrestling: everything's as legal as the ref lets it be. {He picks up Tank and whips him to the ropes, hitting him on the return with a running roundhouse. Zap climbs the corner and jumps off for a roundhouse kick, but misses; he lands on his feet, and recovers by landing an enziguiri kick. He jumps into a legdrop and misses, allowing Tank to tag in Toshiaki. Hasegawa wraps Zap into a toehold; after a few moments, he drops down to make it an STF.} [Heather]: Uh-oh -- Zap is stuck in the Fashion Victim! {Blunt jumps into the ring and stomps on Joey; Blunt and Zap give a double forearm shot to Hasegawa, then pull him into their corner. Blunt taunts Joey from outside, while Zap legsweeps him. They tag and switch; Blunt attempts a stepover toehold ...} [Heather]: Wait -- Hasegawa with an inside cradle! 1 ... but that's all the count he'll get. {Both men return to their feet, and Blunt whips Joey into the corner, then pulls him out with a drop toehold. Both men get back to their feet, and Joey pushes Blunt into the ropes for a reverse rollup ...} [Heather]: I don't believe this -- Robbie's holding onto Joey! Blunt has no chance to kick out! This is the lowest-- [Kyle]: It's Agony & Ecstasy winning the belts, is what it is! [Heather]: Not so fast! Keyes sees the hold, and he kicks Robbie's hand away, breaking the pin! {Blunt gets back to his feet, and slams Toshiaki with a belly to belly suplex; he drops down to apply a kneebar, as Zap climbs to the top rope. Joey breaks the hold only to fall victim to a flying leg drop from Zap.} [Heather]: And the Chaos Brothers show they too have impressive teamwork ... [Kyle]: Teamwork my handicap! That was pure dirty pool! [Heather]: So what, it's only fair when somebody you like is doing it? [Kyle]: You have a better definition? {Joey grabs Blunt by the hair to keep him from capitalizing, and then locks on a stepover toehold; he leans down to complete the STF, but Blunt breaks out. As Blunt stands up, Joey shoves him into the referee.} [Stan]: Like this doesn't have "guest appearance" written all over it. [Heather]: I couldn't say it better -- Robbie's in the ring, and he blasts Blunt with a handful of chain! C'mon, Curtis, get up and see this! [Stan]: I think he's still too busy saying important things like "oof" and "oh, my face" ... [Heather]: Zap's in the ring now -- and he gets the spinning wheel kick off again on Robbie! {Tank drags Blunt to the corner, as Zap issues a flurry of kicks to Joey's leg; he then sees Tank and runs over, hitting him with a series of forearms. Tank grabs him and chucks him over the top, as the referee begins arguing with Robbie in the ring. Tank sits Blunt on the top, makes a breaking motion with his hands, and climbs up to the second rope, scooping up Blunt to jump off with a tombstone piledriver.} [Heather] The Nail in the Coffin! This could be it! Joey manages to pull himself on top of Dakota, as Keyes finally gets Robbie out of the ring -- why he hasn't disqualified them I don't know ... [Kyle]: Hey, he didn't SEE Robbie enter the ring, now, did he? As far as he knows, Zap yanked him in! Serves him right for being inattentive! [Heather]: Here's the count ... 1 ... 2 ... and -- and Blunt gets a shoulder up! What determination! [Stan]: We'd call it "bull-headedness" down south. [Kyle]: On the coast, it'd be "stupidity." [Heather]: Joey seems off-kilter at the match not being over, and eats forearm -- and Dakota with a surfboard! {Joey breaks out, and struggles with Blunt as they get to their feet; he gets the advantage with a series of groin kicks.} [Kyle]: You know, sometimes even /I/ can admit that a wrestler has gone too far. This is one of those times. [Stan]: It's like watching your neighbor's house burn -- it hurts to see it, but you're glad it's not you. [Heather]: {dryly} Why, I haven't the slightest idea what you mean, gents ... {Joey whips him to the ropes, leaping over into a sunset flip on the return: 1 ... Blunt claps his knees and rolls out, then smacks him with a forearm shot. Blunt tries to whip him into the corner, but Joey pulls him in and neckbreakers him.} [Heather]: Both men stumbling to reach their corners now, each needing a tag pretty badly ... [Stan]: There's nothing quite so helpless-feeling in the entire world than watching your partner getting beat to your corner by a snail, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do until he gets there. [Kyle]: What about being the guy on the inside? [Stan]: I don't know -- never happened to me. {Joey tags out to Bradley, and Blunt tags in Zap; Tank clotheslines Zap as he's entering the ring. Zap legsweeps him from the mat, then lays in with a forearm flurry as the two are getting up.} [Heather]: Wait a minute ... you're saying that in a near-decade of wrestling, you never once needed to crawl for a tag? [Stan]: I don't know what's so surprising about it. [Heather]: Not once. In close to TEN years. [Kyle]: He probably thinks he magically small-packaged his opponents during those missing chunks of memory. [Stan]: How'd you like to be missing chunks of your anatomy? [Kyle]: Sorry, Heather babe, you're on your own on this one! [Heather]: Gee, thanks. {Zap whips Bradley to the ropes, and attempts a thrust kick, but Tank ducks; Bradley sweeps him up and powerbombs him, leaning in for a cover, but gets no count. Both men return to their feet, and Bradley scoops up Zap in a Canadian backbreaker.} [Heather]: And Zap's in no man's land now -- Blunt won't be able to help him out of this! [Kyle]: Of course Blunt can't help! He's having traumatic flashbacks from when HE was in the leviathian's grasp! {Zap works his way out; Tank picks him up and powerslams him: 1 ... 2 ... Zap barely gets a shoulder up.} [Heather]: I thought that was the match! Where do the Chaos Brothers get their stamina? [Stan]: I hear they get it shipped in special order from Dusseldorf. [Heather]: WHAT? [Stan]: Hey, we owed you for the fashionable crack earlier. {He nails Bradley with a forearm flurry from the floor, then stands up. Bradley ducks a punch, but gets hit with a side kick combo; Zap whips him into the ropes, where he's caught in a full nelson over the ropes by Blunt, as Zap rushes in to hit him with a spinning wheel kick. He makes the cover, but notices Robbie getting on the apron, and stands up to take down Robbie with another wheel kick.} [Heather]: And Zap with a hat trick! [Stan]: Yeah, unfortunately for him there are no points in pro wrestling. {Toshiaki hops into the ring and attempts a handspring maneuver, but his leg gives out beneath him on the second spring} [Heather]: Whoa -- I think Joey's more surprised there than we are ... [Stan]: That's not surprise, that's pain ... Agony and Ecstasy could be in real trouble if Joey can't count on his mobility ... you really have to admire the Chaos Brothers' strategy of working the leg ... [Kyle]: I would, but I'm too busy being nauseated by Team Stevens not having won yet. {Zap re-covers Bradley, but gets no count. He gives Tank another forearm shot, and stands him up, then whips him to the ropes, cutting him off on the return with a roundhouse kick combination. He throws Tank to the opposite ropes, and downs him on the rebound with an enziguiri kick. He tags in Blunt, who slaps on a Boston crab.} [Heather]: And the 'Brothers now DECIDEDLY in control! [Stan]: I beg to differ, Heather. [Heather]: This I have to hear. [Stan]: This isn't about beating Tank, it's about trying to make him tag ... they can see Joey's hurt just as easily as we can, but if they can't GET to him, it doesn't matter. {Tank powers out, and Blunt forearms him, then pulls him to his corner to make a tag; Tank dumps him over the top, and dodges a kick from Zap. He shoves Zap into the opposite corner, where he tags out to Joey just before Zap drops him with a legsweep.} [Heather]: Well, now they have their matchup with Joey ... [Kyle]: For all the good it will do them! He's probably just suckering them in! {Zap nails Joey with a side kick to the leg, and climbs the corner, jumping off with a roundhouse kick; he misses, but lands on his feet, and snaps a pair of roundhouse kicks into Joey before he can capitalize, felling him with a jumping roundhouse kick.} [Heather]: Zap taking a page from Joey's own book, and now the so-called Fashion Plate seems to be in real trouble! He goes for the cover ... 1 ... 2 ... and -- and how did his foot get on the ropes? Keyes calling off the count, but I could swear it was a clean cover! [Stan]: I'll give you three guesses, and they have to rhyme with "Obbie." {Toshiaki hits Zap with a knee to the groin before he can get up, and goes for a bodyslam, but he can't lift him on the bad leg; he tags in Bradley instead, and gets an elbow in the back for his troubles. Bradley enters the ring and immediately powerbombs Zap, tagging Joey back in before lifting Zap up for a brainbuster.} [Heather]: And Joey back in, but he can barely stand at the moment ... [Kyle]: He doesn't HAVE to stand -- he just has to get the Fashion Victim on! And there it is! [Heather]: He's clear of the ropes, too ... Blunt coming over the ropes now -- but Zap taps out! No, please ... (sigh) ... [RA] Ladies and gentlemen ... your winners via submission at 22:12 ... and NEW, NORTH AMERICAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS ... {The boos almost rock the arena ...} AGONY ... and ECSTASY!!! [Heather]: And Robbie grabs the belts like a kid in a candy shop! It's bad enough to have him with the TV title -- now we have to watch him parade around with those? [Stan]: He has to carry them, Heather -- if he gave Joey a belt to wear, the poor kid'd collapse. [Heather]: {sigh} Let's get some words from a new face we'll be seeing in the AWI before we get to the ================================================================= {Cut to a small Japanese girl in a mask and ornate costume. A voice, presumably the same girl by accent and softness, talks about history as some stunning work goes on.} [Voiceover]: In Japan, I started only three year ago. I was very lucky! Many girls go to try out, but very few are taken. Since I was little girl, I wanted to wrestle like "Cowboy" James Munroe. I trained hard, every day, until I was old enough to try. {Footage rolls along with her speaking, helping to illustrate the places where she falters on a word or two. It starts with footage from the very early 80's of James Munroe, a few years before he retired. It slows, then stops where he gives his hat to a young girl at ring side. Cutting back to the now-adult Colt, she shows that she still has that hat resting on the head of her bed, surrounded by stuffed animals.} [Voice]: I was gymnast in school, where I learned how to do the balance, and then to fighting in Tae Kwon Do. It was very hard, and sometimes I get hurt, but I had a dream and would not let go. Like my hero, I, too, learned to play guitar and sing. I learned English from Country music! This was good when the road trips got long. I would sing to the other girls and write music. Like Roy Rogers singing cowboy, I be the singing Cowgirl wrestler, yes?" {From there are home movies of her on a balance beam or in a dojo, doing very basic katas with a large class. More footage, far more recent and of higher quality, or Colt and several other Japanese women on a train in the mountains of Japan, rocking back and forth while clapping to some songs. They're not on the beat very well, but all are smiling and laughing and enjoying themselves greatly. Colt, as usual, is in a cowboy hat.} [Colt]: I think it will be very fun to wrestle in America! The people are so bright and loud, always getting involved! They stomp and cheer so much! It makes me happy to know they enjoy what I do. Even when I do not win, I try give good show. Maybe next time when in trouble, they cheer and let me know I have fans, and I work harder for them! Maybe next time, I win! Also, I hope to see many cowboys there. Get along little doggie, yes? It will be great fun to learn, and I am honored to have chance. It is dream come true for me. 'Arigato.'" {More scenes, now of in-ring work. The girl wears a horned mask that leaves her hair free to fall in back, blue gloves that run from shoulder to wrist and tie around thee back of her hand, matching blue 'kickboots', and a blue one-piece, all of the exotic poly-sthyriene-like material used overseas instead of spandex. Slingshot 450 splash for a pin, moonsaults, back handspring elbow, a full-splits duck under on a crossover series, plancha springboard from the ring to the out side, and more! A very high-energy, super-intensive collage, ending with her having her hands raised in victory after what seems to have been a very grueling bout with someone twice her size. The camera then cuts back to the original scene of the girl in costume.} [Girl] Look out, all you desperados, Colt Kawaii's on her way!" *ka-POW!* {She makes a little finger-pistol, shooting the camera with a wink.} ================================================================= {The view fades to black, then fades back into the ring area, where Rod Allen is stepping into the ring.} [Kyle]: Iigghh! Damn it, Heather, if you want to run ANYTHING more like that, WARN us first! I think I just got a cavity ... [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen ... our next bout is set for one fall, with a time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing first, weighing in at a combined total of four hundred and five pounds ... Devil Maruyama and Demoness Kimura ... DREAM SUCCUBUS!!! {The crowd boos as the Japanese pair make their way to the ring, faking threats and hissing back at the fans. Before the ring announcer can introduce the champions, the lights suddenly go dim. The video screen becomes active, showing a Dream Succubus logo which is swept away by lightning bolts and flame, to be replaced by Firestorm. Wherever they are, it's not very well lit.} [Brenda Storm-Video Wall] You tried to gain the advantage. You took the shortcut ... take out one member, and the titles are yours. But it's not that easy. [Angela Dante-VW] It's time, Dream Succubus. It's time ... for storm and hellfire to rain down ... on you. [Rod Allen] Their opponents ... weighing in at a combined total of two hundred and sixty-five pounds ... they ARE the Womens' Division Tag Team champions ... Angela Dante and Brenda Storm ... FIIIIIIIIIRESTOOOOOOOOORM!!! {Mad pop from the crowd as Brenda Storm and Angela Dante jog their way down to ringside. As they climb into the ring, Dante waves to the crowd; a close-up from the camera shows Steve the Insane and Joe Walker in front row seats, festooned with AWI fan paraphenelia.} [Kyle]: Oh, it *figures* ... only those two would be loopy enough to get /tickets/ to a card that they're going to be FIGHTING on ... and EXCLUSIVE tickets at that! Some poor little girl out there got rooked by a cold-hearted scalper for the chance to see her idols Dream Succubus finally win the gold they deserve, just so the Yappian Yahoo and his Denver Drinking Buddy there can yuck it up for his girlfriend. Cuuute. [Rod Allen] Your referee for this match will be Curtis Keyes. {Devil Marumaya starts in the ring against Brenda Storm. The two lock into a collar-elbow tieup; Maruyama gets the advantage, and immediately picks up Brenda, pressing her overhead before slamming her down.} [Stan]: OK, now I ask you ... why would anyone in their right mind WANT a collar/elbow tie-up with Marumaya? I don't care if she's a woman -- if I'm in the ring with her, she gets a chair. [Kyle]: Nice to hear you talking sense for a change -- but why hit HER with a chair? The only thing she's done wrong is dominate the tag division here since its inception! [Heather]: Uh, Kyle, for most of that time they were the ONLY tag team. [Kyle]: That's the problem with you -- you quibble about the smallest details ... {As Brenda gets up, Devil bearhugs her. Brenda breaks the hold, and Devil rakes her eyes, then throws her with a belly-to-belly suplex. Devil stands up, but Brenda karate chops her before she can act, then legsweeps her and applies a claw.} [Heather]: Brenda Storm wise to stick to her martial arts expertise -- it minimizes the advantages of Devil's greater size and strength ... {Devil breaks out; both women stand, and Brenda delivers a karate kick, then whips Devil to the ropes, meeting her with a dropkick on the rebound. She picks up Devil and whips her to the ropes again, this time charging to the opposite side; bouncing off, she takes down Devil with a Lou Thesz press, though Devil powers out before the count.} [Heather]: I just can't believe how UP for this match Brenda is! She's wrestling better than I've seen her in months! [Kyle]: It's called "desperation," Heather -- she knows that if she has to tag once, JUST ONCE, the whole sham will be seen through, and her crippled partner will take the team to a humiliating defeat. [Stan]: Maybe it's compassion. After all, if Angela really /was/ crippled, and Demon Succubus took advantage of them, Steve's still out in the crowd somewhere, with a couple Molsons in him no less. Draw your own mental picture. Just be sure not to leave the heads on very securely. {Brenda hits her with a palm thrust, then picks her up and whips her into the ropes; Devil catches her with a karate chop of her own on the rebound, then lifts her in an elevated chokehold. The referee warns her to break it, and she lets Brenda down, only to get a legsweep, followed by a legdrop; Brenda then puts on another claw.} [Kyle]: See what "following the ruuuules" gets you? Next time Keyes gets in your way, Devil, you put HIM in a chokehold! [Heather]: KYLE! That's despicable! [Kyle]: Give me one good reason why not to! [Heather]: I'll give you THREE: DQ? Fines? Suspensions? [Kyle]: Rematches. Tabs. The Bahamas. Your point? [Heather]: I'm REALLY beginning to miss Paul ... {Devil breaks the claw, and both women stand; Devil puts on a bear hug. Brenda breaks the hold, and knocks Devil down with a back brain kick. She then hops on the top rope and springs off with a legdrop. She climbs the corner, and jumps off as Devil gets to her feet; Marumaya catches her, and press slams her.} [Kyle]: A wise Canadian once said: "Evil will always win, because good is stupid." I think it was Sir Wilfred Laurier. [Heather]: It was RICK MORANIS in "Spaceballs", you twit! [Kyle]: That would explain why I remember hearing it at Planet Hollywood with Sly and Demi ... [Heather]: You-- no, I'm not falling into this ... {She delivers a karate chop as Brenda gets back to her feet, then pokes her in the eyes, before snagging her into a belly-to- belly suplex. Brenda makes a lunge tag to Angela as Devil is standing up, and Angela hops in to floor Devil with a dropkick.} [Kyle]: That's it! Match over! Hand Dream Succubus the belts! Congratulations, ladies, you earned them! [Stan]: Kyle, you couldn't get any more premature if you came out of a cabbage patch. {She attempts a somersault legdrop, but Devil rolls out of the way, then tags in Demoness Kimura. Demoness gouges Angela in the eyes to stun her, then picks her up into a salto suplex.} [Kyle]: Premature, he says. Stan, you may have been a great wrestler, but a great MANAGER looks at the ENTIRE picture. And the picture HERE is, Angela Dante's been taking rehab advice from a grade-A certified LOONEY! If she's 100%, I'm the sixth Spice Girl! {She drags Dante back to her feet, and whips her to the ropes, rushing to the opposite side; as the two meet on the rebound, Angela hits Demoness with a clothesline, then follows her down with a somersault legdrop. She lets Kimura get back to her feet, before hooking her into a backslide: 1 ... 2 ... Kimura grabs Angela's hair for leverage to pull herself out of the rollup.} [Heather]: So Kyle ... would that be "Preppie Spice?" Or maybe "Smirky Spice?" [Kyle]: A few fluke moves doesn't mean she's back. [Heather]: Maybe "Pouty Spice" ... {She chops Angela as the two return to their feet; Angela tags in Brenda, who hops in to give Kimura a karate chop of her own. Kimura answers with a chop to Brenda, then whips her to the ropes, running to the other side; she smacks Brenda with a clothesline on the return. Brenda gives her a palm thrust from the mat as she's getting up, then legsweeps her. She stands up, runs to the ropes, and attempts a legdrop, but Kimura rolls aside.} [Heather]: And the back-and-forth continues ... neither team is really able to dominate for very long, it seems. [Stan]: I think familiarity may be breeding confusion here instead of contempt -- both teams know each other well enough, that they're having problems coming up with ideas their opponent hasn't seen before. {Brenda delivers another palm thrust from the mat; she stands up, hips Kimura to the ropes, and catches her on the return with a karate kick. She puts on a claw; Kimura breaks it, and Brenda stands up to drop a leg on her. Both women get to their feet, and Brenda takes down Kimura with a back brain kick.} [Kyle]: You know, while you're sitting over there making fun of me, I'd just like to point out since Angela's cameo appearance, she hasn't done much more than make moonie-eyes at the blond barbarian ... [Heather]: Don't you have harmony to practice? In any case, there's a difference between being healthy and being overly reckless -- no sense not taking it slowly if there's isn't a reason not to yet ... [Kyle]: I think there were more negatives in that sentence than in your last date. {She then picks her up, whips her to the ropes, bounces off the opposite side, and takes her down with a Lou Thesz Press: 1 ... 2 ... Kimura boxes Brenda's ears to escape. She hits Brenda with a karate chop, then tags in Devil Maruyama; she begins to yell at the referee, making motions to Angela, as Devil wraps a chain around her fist, and hits Brenda with it a couple times.} [Heather]: This is abominable! Angela hadn't done anything -- how could Curtis believe that woman? [Kyle]: But Heather, if Angela's at 100%, of COURSE she'd intercede for her partner, right? [Heather]: Don't start with me ... {Brenda fends off Devil with a karate kick as the referee finally gets Demoness out of the ring, then hops on the top rope and springs off with a dropkick; Devil reels, but stays on her feet. Brenda bounces off the ropes, and takes down Devil with a Lou Thesz press: 1 ... 2 ... Devil punches her way free.} [Heather]: Close call for the challengers, DESPITE their underhanded tactics. {Brenda puts on a clawhold, pulling Devil to her feet. She then takes down Devil with a back brain kick; as Maruyama gets back to her feet, she hops on the top rope and springs off with a high roundhouse kick, and makes a cover: 1 ... 2 ... } [Heather]: And the Thunderstorm! This match is-- no, Kimura with the save ... Brenda doesn't lose her cool, though, and catches Devil with a 'rana! She's going up top again ... ANOTHER THUNDERSTORM! Keyes back just in time to make the cover ... 1 ... 2 ... THREE! [Kyle]: Oh for the love of ... I need some Alka- Seltzer ... preferably with a lemon twist. [Heather]: And Firestorm proved they're back, and better than ever, with a solid win! [Kyle]: In your dreams! The only thing it proved is you can't get a fair match while a psycho watches you like a hawk! For all your hype, Heather, Angela was practically a cheerleader ... Dream Succubus will regroup, be back, and destroy the loony lovebird and her kick-happy partner! [Heather]: Stan, you've been pretty quiet the last few minutes ... what're your thoughts on the match? [Stan]: Just that I think I know where I've seen my ex's new lawyer before. >>INTERVIEW SET<< {The set has been furnished to replicate a very posh and lavish smoking room of a mansion. In center of it all sits Reynard Guile, cigar in one hand, microphone in the other. He is dressed in a tuxedo and top hat, with a red smoking jacket over the tuxedo jacket. Smiling at the boos, he speaks.} [Guile] I see Canadians have no sense of style either. {More boos} [Guile] {Stands to the front of the stage} Well, we'll give some of you peons something to cheer about. My guest will be facing later tonight Ken Mischief for the AWI World Championship. Here's the "War Machine", Greg Gardner. [Heather]: Boy, HE sounds enthusiastic ... {The characteristic guitar solo of the Faith No More cover of "War Pigs" fills the air, as Greg Gardner walks in wearing black denim jeans and a black leather jacket (more "fashionable" style than "gang" style), sans mask.} [Guile] {wide-eyed} God, you're big. Now, we will have no rough stuff on my stage ... um ... Mr. Gardner ... please? [Greg Gardner] {faint smile} Mr. Guile, I'm a man of very ... even temper. Considering the crowd whose attentions you typically appeal to, I think you're quite a bit *safer* right now. [Guile] {weakly smiling} As everyone knows here, I'm a big fan of yours. [Heather]: Oh, PLEASE ... [Guile] I've followed you from you travels in Indonesia all the way to your time in the AWA. [Gardner] {cough} While I hold nothing against the Atlantic Wrestling Association, or the fine athletes there, I haven't had the opportunity to wrestle in that promotion. And ... {pause, almost under his breath} do they even HAVE wrestling in Indonesia? [Guile] Oh. Must have been another big goof -- I MEAN, BIG WRESTLER OF QUALITY. [Kyle]: Look at that -- how can Gardner call himself a sportsman, harassing a smaller man like that? [Heather]: He's not DOING anything, Kyle ... [Stan]: Which, given that he's probably not getting paid for this appearance, is pretty much par for the course ... [Guile] Please tell the Canadians out there how Americans are so much better than they are. [Gardner] {looking a little annoyed} Well, considering that at best I'm an American *expatriate* ... I'm not exactly the man to be saying that. And considering that among the people I admire the most are Canadian athletes like Jerry Straite or Chris Sim ... I'm not exactly the man to be saying that. And considering that I still have a modicum of brain cells left, as well as a mostly human heart ... {wry chuckle} I'm not exactly the man to be saying that. [Kyle]: SUCK UP! TRAITOR! FLAG-BURNER! [Guile] {under his breath} sell out ... {looks up} Oh, no no no ... I said "Look how this arena sold out so quickly!" The AWI is really popular here! I'm sorry, did you have anything else to say? [Gardner] I do have something to say ... {turns to look at the crowds} Twice before, I've been at this threshold, facing the last long steps that separate me, and all the fans who've supported me through the years, from the highest honor this sport can offer ... and twice before, I've failed. The motivations and mechanisms may belong to other men, but the blame rests square on these shoulders -- because it takes a higher level of focus, a greater dedication, to succeed at the championship heights. Tonight, I plan to reach that focus ... tonight, I walk away in victory, or not at all ... because I owe that to myself, and I owe it to the men, women, and children who cheered me on only to be disappointed two times before. To those fans out there, I promise you -- NOT TONIGHT!!! {The fans cheer loudly in response.} [Guile] Ok ... well, let me now introduce the opponent of Greg Gardner tonight....KEN MISCHIEF!!! {Ken Mischief walks in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, with his usual mix of confidence and "angry at everyone" expression.} [Guile] {to Mischief} THANK GOD you are here, Ken! Gardner was intimidating me, and threatening me with all sorts of violence if I wasn't polite to him! Now that you're here, the big GOOF can't touch me! {taking off the red jacket, revealing a big Mischief button on his tuxedo} HA! Tell this crowd how quickly you'll beat Gardner and become the new AWI Champion! [Mischief] First, the AWI comes up with some cockamamie idea that I would be a willing participant in some lame tournament for the title. When I refused, the AWI started worrying. But don't worry-- "Gardner will come in and save the AWI." So I get stuck in a match for the World Title against some has-been from yesteryear. Gardner, I respect you for what you did but it's time to move on. [Guile] {pointing the mic to Gardner} And your response? {Guile quickly pulls the mic away just as Gardner begins to speak} Thought so. He's not only mindless, but he's speechless in front of your expertise, Ken! {Gardner looks irritated for a moment, then calmly and deliberately picks up Reynard at the waist, holding him so the mike is at his head level.} [Gardner] Speechless? Not by a mile, Guile ... I don't have the windbag gene that makes this so easy for Kerry, so I'm going to make this simple. I'm not here tonight to save the AWI. I'm not here tonight to "steal" the world title. But, last and most importantly ... I am NOT here tonight to LOSE to YOU! You say you respect me, Ken Mischief? You won't know what those words mean, not really, until we step inside the squared circle tonight ... when we leave that ring, belt or no belt, you ARE going to RESPECT me ... and, belt or no belt, you and everyone else in this federation are going to realize that Greg Gardner is not the man of yesteryear -- I AM THE NOW!!! {Gardner carefully sets down Guile, straightening his jacket (and covering the button "accidentally"), staring down Mischief.} (Mischief grabs Guile by the collar and starts to speak.) [MIschief] Well, Gardner, if you are THE NOW, hell, I must be the NOW AND FUTURE OF WRESTLING!!! Gardner, when you stuck your nose in the ring saying you deserved a title shot, you were looking for trouble. Well, Gardner, you got BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!! Tonight, when I kick your carcass around the ring and pin you 1-2-3, the AWI will finally have a real WORLD CHAMPION!!! {Mischief shoves Guile to the ground and stomps off stage to the back.} ================================================================= {Camera cuts back to the ring, where Rod Allen is waiting.} [Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, your next bout is set for one fall, with a time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing first, weighing in at one hundred and forty pounds ... SARAH ... VICTORY! {The industrial/dance beat of "Control" by Traci Lords kicks up as Sarah Victory walks calmly down to the ring.} [Allen] And her opponent tonight ... from the city of Grand Rapids, Michigan ... weighing in at one hundred and thirty pounds ... she IS the AWI Women's champion ... the FAAALLLEEEN AAANGEL!!! {Animotion's "Obsession" cues up as the crowds begin to cheer, the AWI's own original party girl half-dancing her way down to the ring.} [Rod Allen] Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes. {Sarah Victory begins by grabbing Angel and rolling her into a small package.} [Heather]: WHOA! IMMEDIATE action from Sarah Victory -- AND an immediate illegal action, using the Angel's tights for leverage! {The count: 1 ... 2 ... Angel manages to break free at the last second.} [Heather]: And thre-- no, the Angel barely avoids a bullet speed pinfall there! NOT a good omen ... [Kyle]: Hey, it's practically the appearance of the Virgin Mary as far as I'm concerned -- after the Angel squeaked through two fluke wins on the last champion, I was thinking her luck would NEVER run out ... {Sarah delivers a karate chop, followed by a karate kick.} [Heather]: *Luck*? The Angel has shown nothing but PHENOMENAL talent since her entrance into the AWI ... {The Fallen Angel fights back with a chop of her own, then whips Sarah into the ropes, meeting her on the rebound with a jumping roundhouse kick.} [Heather]: ... and now she continues to display that talent! {Sarah gets up, and the Angel takes her back down with a hip toss.} [Heather]: The Fallen Angel asserting dominance in this match ... she gets ready to take to the air -- YES! {The Angel jumps off with a flying elbow drop, and makes a cover: 1 ... 2 ... Sarah kicks out.} [Heather]: A close count for Sarah, AND no illegal tactics involved in that near-win! [Kyle]: Yeah, well, that's why it's a NEAR win, babe -- she doesn't have the guts to take it to the edge, she can look forward to donating a valuable piece of apparel, and I DON'T mean to the Salvation Army! {Both women stand; Sarah cuts down the Angel with a thrust kick, then waits for her to stagger back up before hitting her with an enziguiri kick. She picks up Angel, and clocks her with a second enziguiri kick, then drops a fist on her.} [Heather]: Sarah Victory catching her pace now, delivering a brutal assault on the Angel ... [Kyle]: Earth to beachbunny: that "assault" is called WRESTLING! If the Fallen Angel can't take it, she should get back to the dance floor and out of the ring! {Sarah picks up Angel, only to take a thrust kick; the Angel climbs the corner.} [Heather]: Nice martial arts counter by the Angel ... [Kyle]: Yeahyeahyeah -- look, the Fallen Angel may have a couple chopsocky shots she picked up watching John Belushi on Saturday Night Live, but she's in the ring with a REAL martial artist, with a belt and a dojo and everything! {The Angel flies off with an elbow drop, but Sarah gets her knees up; she then rolls over to cover the Angel: 1 ... 2 ... the Angel gets a foot on the ropes.} [Heather]: Another high risk gamble from the Angel -- and this check bounces! Sarah willing to take the easy out ... but the Angel's still up for the count! [Kyle]: Yeah, but for how long? Like I was saying -- before coming to the AWI, she made a LIVING teaching people how to kick ass! {Sarah drags Angel to her feet and whips her into the turnbuckle. She then closes in and begins issuing a series of hard kicks.} [Kyle]: See that? That's PROFESSIONAL quality ... that's what happens when an amateur takes on an instructor! The Angel ought to be counting her blessings -- this kind of hands on training with a master usually costs a LOT more than the amount of gold in that belt! {Sarah pushes the Angel out of the corner, and fells her with an enziguiri kick, then delivers an axe kick before making a cover.} [Heather]: Angel down on the mat -- and Sarah with a vicious heel kick! She's rolling up the Angel for the pin -- 1! 2! 3-- ANGEL KICKS OUT!!! [Kyle]: So in addition to being flighty and annoying, she's also a glutton for punishment ... g-r-eaaaat. {Sarah attempts a roundhouse kick on the Angel as she's standing up, but the Fallen Angel leaps forward to clothesline her.} [Heather]: I think she's got more than enough punishment to GIVE this time around, Kyle! {The Angel drops a leg on Sarah, then hops on the top rope, springing off with a splash.} [Heather]: The Angel takes flight once more, and hooks a leg for the pin! 1 ... 2 ... and Sarah with a cheap tug on her hair to get free! [Kyle]: If it works, it WORKS. {The Angel climbs to the top turnbuckle again, and jumps off as Sarah is getting to her feet, taking her down with a flying drop kick. She then goes to drop a leg, but Sarah pulls something from the corner and hits her with it.} [Heather]: Angel following through -- and goes down hard! She must have landed wro-- no, I think I see now! Sarah Victory had some kind of -- are those nunchucks? -- stashed in the ring corner! Curtis Keyes must not have seen it with Angel between him and the illegal weapon ... Sarah Victory is making the cover -- one ... two ... THIS IS A TRAVESTY!!! [Kyle]: What this IS is a TITLE CHANGE, BABY! ONE-TWO-THREE!!! [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen ... {The crowd is already beginning to shower the ring with boos, as Curtis Keyes collects the title and lifts Sarah's arm.} ... the winner of this match ... and the NEW champion of the AWI Women's Division ... SAAARAAAH VICTORY!!! [Heather]: This is just TOO much ... let's get some words regarding the next match .... ================================================================= {Jade Tiger paces about in the locker room, tacked on the wall behind him is a Canadian flag, upside down.} [Jade Tiger] Jerry Straite! So this is your beloved Canada ... cold, bleak like the hearts and minds of its residents. The English author Samuel Johnson once stole from my people the ancient proverb: ''Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.' Jerry Straite, your constant meanderings and gibberish has betrayed you. The entire world is now privy to your foolishness. For hours we have had to listen to you spew patriotic prattle that illustrates your nationalistic idiocy. Canada? I see people without employment, starving children, warring factions who seek their own identity and independence. A country whose greatest athletes go south to the corrupt America for fame and fortune? These are patriots proud of their country? Lindros, Gretzky ... even you, Jerry Straite!! Olympians Ross Rebagliati and Ben Johnson celebrate their triumphs as slaves to narcotics! HA! This is to be proud of? You mock the Temple, and belittle my lack of a country? In the Temple no one is without purpose, no one goes hungry, everyone draws their strength from inside. The Temple provides leadership and discipline to the individual, not a population of the lazy. You care about these illiterate, drunken fans. I do not. Unlike you, I do not need to wrap myself in some flag with a leaf on it, in order to find self worth. Go out there and fight for them Jerry Straite, be the Canadian John Wayne, just remember that in your defeat many children will cry tears of sorrow. You will have let them down, you will be a villain in your own homeland. ================================================================= [Heather] Rather strong words from the Jade Tiger-- >>AISLE<< {The announcers are interrupted by the harmonica-drum intro to the Crash Test Dummies' "Here on Earth" that is Jerry Straite's entrance music. It ignites the crowd ... only to stop two bars in, holding the last note. It's suddenly punctuated by images appearing on the video screen ... pictures of Straite in action as a young man. While the matches are unfamiliar, they apparently means something to the Montreal fans, as they explode into renewed enthusiasm as they see Straite and his opponents. The music kicks up again, cutting in and out as more pictures are shot onto the screen. Most of the pictures seem to be from Straite's earlier career, but they're interspersed with action from WOW and the AWI, as well as pictures of famed Montreal landmarks.} [Stan]: Seems like Future Shock's not the only one spreading around the greenbacks. The AWI's volunteer A/V club must be pret-ty happy tonight. {The music kicks into its regular pace as Jerry emerges from the curtains. He has a flagpole in each hand, one flying the Canadian flag, the other the Quebec flag. Straite makes his way down to the ring to a tremendous ovation, and just absorbs it as he hits the ring.} [Kyle]: Ladies and gentlemen, this ... is the end. The end of professional wrestling. {He mounts the flags in one corner, and gets a hold of a mic.} [JS] {huge grin on his face} Oh, yeah ... let me hear you ... let me HEAR YOU ... COME ON ... LET - ME - HEAR - YOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!! [Kyle]: Oh, no! He's gotten so old, his hearing's gone! {They do, as Jerry gets up on the second turnbuckle and pumps his arms before jumping down again.} [JS] LET THE U.S. HEAR IT ... LET NORTH AMERICA HEAR IT ... LET THE *WOOORLD* HEAR IT ... LET'EM HEAR WHAT IT MEANS ... LET'EM HEAR WHAT WRESTLING MEANS IN MON - TRE - AAAALLLLLL!!!!!! [Kyle]: FINE, let them all hear it, just don't make ME listen to it ... {Can you spell bonkers, children? I knew you could.} [JS] You saw it on the monitors! It was here ... 24 years ago ... Montreal ... Jerry Straite won his first title! I was born and raised in Winnipeg ... God knows, I love that city, I love that province! And that's where I learned how to *fight*! But it was here ... it was here, in Quebec, that my education really started! *This* is where I learned how to *wrestle*! HERE, I learned what the fans could mean!! And it was *here* ... in Quebec ... that I found out what it takes to BE A CHAMPION!!! Crystal Crow ... you're NO champion!! You don't deserve to wear that title ... not in the AWI ... and you sure as *hell* wouldn't've been able to cut it in Quebec!!! Your boss sneers at 'the West'!! He thinks he's got the answer! He thinks he's got it *allll* worked out! But Crow, you've been listenin' to him *way* too long! THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALLLL!!! TONIGHT, YOU ARE IN MONTREAL, QUEBEC, CANADA!!! TONIGHT, YOU WRESTLE JERRY STRAITE!!! TONIGHT ... YOU ... ARE ... *FINISHED*!!!!!! {Straite tosses the mic back to Rod Allen and bathes in the heartfelt response of the crowd.} [Rod Allen] Our next match is set for one fall, with a time limit of twenty minutes ... {clears throat} the challenger, already in the ring, needs NO introduction ... JERRY STRAITE! And his opponent tonight, weighing in at two-hundred and twenty-five pounds ... from the Celestial Temple of the Orient ... accompanied to ringside by his manager, the Jade Tiger ... he IS the AWI North American champion ... the CRYSTAL CROOOOOOOOOW!!! {"Flying High Again" by Ozzy Osbourne cues up on the PA as the pair walks to ringside, as if oblivious to the rampant boos of the crowd. As Crow and Tiger enter, Jerry steps out of the ring and plants the flags in flagstands near the time-keepers table; then he returns to the ring.} [Rod Allen] Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes. {The pair lock up in a collar-elbow tieup; Crystal Crow spins Straite into a legwheel throw, then follows with a karate chop, a karate kick, and a roundhouse kick to his left arm.} [Heather]: The Crystal Crow certainly wasting no time tonight in taking the attack to Jerry Straite's injured elbow ... almost as if the Jade Tiger demands not only a successful defense, but the elimination of any possibility for a rematch. {Crow whips Jerry into the ropes, but Jerry rebounds with a clothesline; he picks up the Crow and headbutts him, then whips him into the ropes, rushing to the opposite side to return with a second clothesline.} [Heather]: Jerry retakes the advantage -- and just listen to that crowd! [Stan]: Hmmm ... looks like we've got a couple honorary hosers down there ... >>RINGSIDE<< {Steve the Insane and Joe Walker back in their front row seats, wearing their touks again; they've now got a "Molsen" cooler which they're apparently sharing with the fans around them as they play cheerleader.} [Kyle]: Good lord, the Dain Bramaged Duo is at it again -- AND they're encouraging rowdy, drunken behavior to boot! [Heather]: I think it's a nice gesture, Steve and Joe obviously here to show their support to a friend ... >>RING<< {Jerry locks the Crow into a half nelson; the Crow chops his way out, but Jerry sends him reeling with a headbutt, then hiptosses him. Jerry drops to the mat to headlock the Crow; the Crow escapes, and Jerry switches to a half nelson, pulling the Crow up into a kneeling position before locking on a full nelson.} [Kyle]: Hey, look over their -- another one of Jerry's friends has come out to show his support! >>AISLE<< {Nick Vorpal heads down the aisle to the ring, carrying his chain.} [Heather]: Nick Vorpal! What could he POSSIBLY-- no doubt he's here to add another chapter to his never-ending rivalry with Jerry Straite! [Kyle]: Hey, maybe he's just looking to even the odds with Moe and Shemp sitting over there! {The Crow breaks out, and Jerry stands him up, whipping him into the turnbuckle; closing in, he delivers a solid kick, but the Crow fights his way out with a karate chop and karate kick to the arm. Jerry shakes off the pain and slams Crow to the mat, then goes for a legdrop, but misses. Crow puts on an Oriental spike.} [Heather]: The Crow's Talon on firmly, and Jerry may be in trouble! [Kyle]: He's in the same zipcode as Nick Vorpal -- of COURSE he's in trouble! {Straite breaks out, and punches Crow, then stands up and kicks him; he grabs him by the shoulders and kneelifts him. The Crow gives him a karate punch, but Jerry scoops him up and drops him in a side slam suplex.} [Heather]: Jerry has the Crow up -- and can you hear the earth shake!!! {The Crow pushes him off before Curtis Keyes can make a count. Jerry slaps on a sleephold.} [Kyle]: Uh-oh -- Jerry's trying to wrangle another cheap-o win like the rookjob he gave Tank Bradley! {The Crow twists out of the sleeper, and Jerry pulls him back to his feet, hitting him with another kneelift, then whipping him to the ropes; following him into the ropes, he clotheslines the Crow over the top.} [Heather]: Jerry cutting it close -- and sends the Crow crashing hard to the mats outside!!! {Jade Tiger grabs his kendo stick and closes in on Straite as the Man from Can is leaving the ring; Nick Vorpal intercedes, and hands him his chain.} [Heather]: Jerry better rethink this strategy -- he's got a two-to-one fight on his hands OUTside the ring ... what is Nick Vorpal up to? [Kyle]: In Silicon Valley, we call that a "hardware upgrade", baby ... {Jerry picks up the Crow and whips him into the railing, only to get hit in the head with the chain by Jade Tiger.} [Heather]: Jerry sends Crow crashing into the steel railing -- AND JADE TIGER TAKES HIM DOWN!!! Here come the troops, and they are NOT happy! {Steve and Joe hop the railing to charge JT, hitting him with a double punch; Joe goes to work returning Crow and Jerry to the ring, as Steve hits JT with the chain.} [Heather]: Steve the Insane delivering a little eye-for-an-eye on the Tiger! But here comes Nick! {Nick Vorpal rushes Steve, but he gets the chain too; Steve then goes to the timekeeper and deposits the chain with him, and then calls Joe back to the seats as the Crow gets to his feet in the ring.} [Heather]: I guess you could call that a stretch of volunteer refereeing by Looking For a Fight-- [Kyle]: No, you could call it CRYSTAL CROW GETTING ROOKED!!! [Heather]: --but for all that, the Crystal Crow is still the first one back on his feet, and he looks to have the advantage on Jerry Straite! >>RING<< {The Crow drags Straite up, whips him to the ropes, and charges to the opposite side to catch Jerry on the rebound with a drop kick. He then delivers an extended eyegouge on the mat before climbing the corner, leaping off with a shooting star kneedrop.} [Heather]: INCREDIBLE flying maneuver from the Crystal Crow! {He makes a cover, but Jerry kicks out before the count. Crow hits him with a frustrated karate chop to the arm, and pulls him to his feet, whipping him to the ropes; Jerry catches him on the return with a clothesline.} [Heather]: Crow still working on that arm, but Jerry does NOT let it keep him down! {He lets Crow stagger back up, and whips him to the opposite ropes, catching him on the return with a powerslam.} [Heather]: Jerry sending Crow on a commuter flight STRAIGHT to the mat! This could be it! {Jade Tiger gets on the apron and grabs the referee's attention, as Jerry picks up the Crow, hoists him as for a vertical suplex, then drops him down into a piledriver position, and makes a cover.} [Heather]: Jerry has him up -- AND STRAIT DOWN!!! He's got him hooked for a pin, but Curtis Keyes is still arguing with Jade Tiger on the apron -- he doesn't see this call! And the Crow finally manages to throw Jerry off, after who KNOWS what count? {Jerry pulls the Crow up and whips him to the ropes, catching him with a sleephold; the Crow punches his way out, only to get scooped into a standing powerslam.} [Heather]: ANOTHER smashing power move from the hometown favorite ... but Tiger's got Curtis pulled aside AGAIN! He doesn't see the count! {Crow kicks out. He gouges Jerry's eyes with both hands, then climbs to the top rope, jumping off with a flying karate kick, and makes a cover, but Jerry throws him off before the count. He then applies an Oriental spike.} [Heather]: Another Crow's Talon to wear down Jerry, and possibly put him down for the count ... {Jerry punches his way out of the spike, and standing up, whips Crow into the turnbuckle; dragging him out of the corner, he repeats the vertical suplex-into-piledriver, and rolls forward for the pin.} [Heather]: ANOTHER STRAIT DOWN! Jade Tiger is screaming at Curtis, but Keyes is on the case this time, and there's the count -- ONE! TWO! THREE!!! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! JERRY STRAITE JUST WON THE BELT!!! {The entire stadium erupts into a gigantic cheer as Straite gets back to his feet, Curtis Keyes handing him the North American title ... Rod Allen steps into the ring, and just waits, as if doubtful of even being heard while the crowd is cheering. Finally, it dims down just a hair for him to get a word in edgewise.} [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match ... and the NEW NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION of the AWI ... JEEERRRYYYYYYYYY STRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIITEEE!!! {The official announcement just sparks another round of applause as Steve and Joe enter the ring to offer their congratulations.} [Kyle]: {shouting despite the benefit of having a priority sound feed} THIS IS PATHETIC, HEATHER! YOU'D THINK HE JUST CURED CANCER, OR MAYBE INVENTED BEER ... [Heather]: Ow ... Kyle, I'm right next to you ... in any case, I'm sure if you took a vote across the continent, it would show he deserves every decibel! He said he'd bring the North American championship home, and he came through in a BIG way! [Kyle]: WhatEVER ... how about we get some words from a HIGHER ranking belt, and maybe cut the volume in the process? ================================================================= {Cut to Intensive Care standing by in the dressing room.} [Mike "Stretcher" Kirwan] There's nothing wrong with thinking you're the best. Perfection, you made one mistake ... you think that you're the best when /WE'RE/ around. Quite obviously, you're wrong. [John "Asylum" Smith] {not totally listening to his partner} Perfection, you two are pretty obnoxious types. The fans don't like listening to big mouths, so we're gonna have to shut you up ... for the fans. {Smith leaves the room.} [Kirwan] If my partner wants to think he's doing it for the fans, that's fine. I don't need fans, and I don't /LIKE/ the fans. Perfection, I don't care one way or another about you, but you want these belts, which makes you the enemy ... and tonight's victims. ================================================================= [Heather]: Asylum looking out for the fans' best interests? THIS could get ... scary ... [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is a tag team event set for one fall, with a time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing first, at a combined weight of five-hundred and twenty-nine pounds ... Kim "Tiger" Lee and Jilliam Bole ... PEEEEEEEEERFECTION!!! >>AISLE<< {"Perfect Strangers" by Deep Purple cues up on the PA, as Kim and Jil stride down to ringside; both are wearing bulky elbow-pads, arm braces, and amateur wrestling helmets.} [Heather]: Hmm ... looks like someone is {cough} concerned about Mike Kirwan's choice of tactics. [Kyle]: Hey, who wouldn't be? This is just the kind of tactical planning that makes these two great. In fact, you could call it ... perfect. [Stan]: Kyle, just thought y'all would like to know, I'm going to thump you every time you say that until the end bell. [Heather]: Never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Stan ... [Kyle]: HEY! Don't encourage him! >>RING<< [Rod Allen] And their opponents tonight ... weighing in at four hundred and ninety-nine pounds ... hailing from the city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania ... they ARE the AWI WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS ... Mike "Stretcher" Kirwan and John "Asylum" Smith ... >>AISLE<< {The lights dim, and emergency-style flashing lights play over the arena; instead of the usual ambulance sirens, though, they are accompanied by David Bowie's "Heroes".} [Rod Allen]: IIIIIIIIINTENSIIIIIIIIIVE ... CAAAAAAAAARE!!! {The crowd REALLY begins to boo as the pair walks down to ringside, though John seems to be doing his best to change their minds, slapping hands with braver fans, and stopping to point to one screwball with a sign reading "Support Your Doctor -- Fight Intensive Care". Mike stares at John until he "shapes up" and they hit the ring.} [Heather]: You know, it's almost enough to make you wonder -- there might be a decent person inside John if you could get him away from Stretcher ... [Kyle]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey, and getting shot in the head might be a lot of fun, too, if it didn't involve lots of pain, blood, and being dead. {"Who Brings The Loot" by Grand Puba and the Brand New Heavies starts up, as Jamahn Chamberlin and his bodyguard Felony Slade come down to ringside. He calls for a microphone as he steps on the apron.} [Jamahn Chamberlin] {to crowd} Nice to see y'all again! You know, I was on my way back to my box seats after the last few matches ... speaking of which, MAD PROPS, KERRY! AND YOU DA MAN, JERRY! {Crowd pops heartily.} [Jamahn] Anyways, as I was saying, there I am walking back, when a thought hit me -- as long as I'm in the business of referee delivery, I ought to give some attention to THIS match. See, we all KNOW what stand-up guys Perfection are ... {The crowd gives a low boo.} ... and, of course, everybody knows that Intensive Care here would NEVER get into any funny business around a ring ... {The crowd boos even louder.} ... so it only makes sense that a bunch of quality sportsmen like this deserves a referee of equal calibre. {pause} That, and Brandie Mulroney took the rest of the night off after Steve & Joe's little house party. So, everybody give it up for tonight's referee -- BILLY GERBER!!! {There's quite a smattering of cheers from the crowd, which has a lot of FWA fans (ok, they're really crossover Kerry fans) who recognize the name ... Billy Gerber comes down to ringside, a big muscular man wearing a standard referee uniform.} Thank you all, and gooooood night! {Jamahn hops down and heads back down the aisle, as Billy enters the ring and squares off Mike Kirwan with Kim Lee.} [Kyle]: And the FWA conspiracy continues! Jamahn's planting his personal thug to make sure BOTH of these quality teams take as much damage as possible! {They lock up in a collar-elbow tieup; Mike seems to be getting the advantage, so Kim breaks off with a karate chop, followed by a karate kick and a karate punch.} [Heather]: Tiger Lee delivering an extended martial arts flurry ... actually, given Billy Gerber's sterling reputation as a sportsman and philanthropist, I'd expect quite the opposite to be true. [Kyle]: Say ... is it just me, or is Gerber's hair sort of ... I don't know, mussed up ... like he'd just taken off a hat, or maybe a-- [Heather]: You are NOT going to start this again ... {He throws a palm thrust at Mike, who moves aside and twists him into an armbar, but another palm thrust gets him out of that. Kim tags in Jilliam Bole, then floors Kirwan with a back brain kick. Bole puts Mike in a side headlock, then pulls him to his feet and bulldogs him.} [Kyle]: You know, this match is an absolute human tragedy. Both of these teams could be considered the top of their sport. Both of these teams have MUCH better things to be doing than risking grievous injury fighting each OTHER ... AND both of these teams not only have apparently lost their focus, they recently lost their management. Coincidence? I think NOT. {He picks up Kirwan and pushes him in the corner, then charges in with a running dropkick; he climbs the corner and jumps off to fell Mike with a flying bulldog lariat. Bole drops an elbow, but Mike rolls out of the way, and tags in "Asylum" John Smith. John rushes at Jil and smacks him with a leg lariat, then drops a fist on him; Gerber has strong words with him for using the glove.} [Kyle]: Oh, geeeez ... I thought I EXPLAINED this, Billy -- you WANT him to use the glove! It's safer! HIS HANDS DRAW BLOOD!!! {As if to show how much he cares for Billy's sense of sportsmanship, Asylum climbs on top the corner, and jumps off with a flying fist drop -- but Jilliam rolls out of the way, and tags Kim Lee back in. Bole puts a spinning wristlock on Smith, then leans him into a Kim Lee thrust kick before leaving the ring.} [Kyle]: Perfection with a Perf-- er, Flawless Superkick ... {Lee gives Smith a karate chop as he's getting back up, and Smith counters with a punch (earning another stern lecture from Gerber), then whips him to the ropes, rushing to the opposite side to return with a leg lariat. He climbs to the top and jumps off, but "Tiger" catches him with a punch to the gut. He backs John into the Perfection corner, and tags in Jil; Jil climbs to the top, and jumps off with a flying karate kick, but John grabs Lee by the hair and throws him in the way, so he takes the shot instead.} [Heather]: John with a creative reversal of the double team! [Kyle]: You see? Perfection's getting rusty ... they're stagnating without guidance ... they're starting to telegraph their intentions ... give me a call, boys, and I GUARANTEE that will never happen again! [Heather]: All right, I've got to hear this. HOW would you, as an expert manager, keep that from happening? {Jil takes him down with a dropkick, then puts on a side headlock.} [Kyle]: Easy -- I wouldn't have signed a match with Intensive Care. {John escapes, and Jil drops a knee on him, then backs him into the corner. Kim throws a kick at John, but John pokes Jil in the eyes and pushes him in the way. Jil gets his revenge by putting John in a spinning wristlock.} [Heather]: Perfection may not have had much success with the double-team maneuvers that they pride so much yet in this bout, but they HAVE done a good job of keeping Intensive Care immobilized, and thus mostly harmless ... [Stan]: There's a LONG way between "mostly" and "all the way", Heather, especially when you're talking about THESE boys. {John escapes, and immediately floors Jil with a leg lariat kick, then tags in Mike Kirwan. Kirwan steps inside and slaps a hammerlock on Bole.} [Stan]: Well, I'm not going to say that being in Bole's place is a pleasant position, but I do think you have to admit those pads are a keen thought -- anything you can do to cut down the champions' advantages is a good measure. {Bole escapes, and Kirwan scoops him up to bodyslam him arm-first. He then drops down to put on a wakigatme armbar. Bole breaks out, and kicks Kirwan, getting to his feet; Kirwan stands up and delivers another armfirst bodyslam, then stomps on Bole's arm before putting on a hammerlock.} [Heather]: I'm not so sure about your theory, Stan -- even with the extra protection, Mike Kirwan seems to be doing a nice job of softening up the arms. {Bole works his way out, and tags in Lee. They use a spinning wristlock into thrust kick combination on Kirwan, then Lee puts on a claw. Mike breaks his grip, so Kim chops him, then picks him up and throws him to the ropes, hitting him with a thrust kick on the return. Both men stand up, and Kim whips Mike to the ropes again, this time charging to the other side; Mike leaps into a jumping clothesline, but Kim ducks it, only to get hit with a punch to the groin as he closes in to capitalize.} [Heather]: Mike Kirwan managing to make lemonade out of lemons ... [Stan]: {cough} Or other choice of fruit. {Mike tags in Asylum, who climbs to the top turnbuckle and takes down Kim with a flying punch. Gerber gets in his face again for the glove, and John makes a show of using his other hand for a fist drop.} [Kyle]: There, are you HAPPY, Gerber? Now let him get back to the fun stuff! {Both men get up, and Asylum hurricaranas Lee, making a cover: 1 ... Lee kicks out, and gives John a karate chop for good measure. He backs John into the corner and tags in Jil, then runs to the opposite ropes as Jil climbs on top the turnbuckles; John dodges a running legsweep from Lee, but gets felled by a flying bodypress from Jil, though he gets a shoulder up before Gerber can make a count.} [Heather]: Perhaps not as Perfection planned, but this time at least their two-pronged attack has John at a disadvantage ... {He punches Jilliam, and then picks him up to whip into the ropes, dashing to the other side; Jilliam gets the drop on him, with a dropkick, followed by a hard elbow drop. The two struggle on the mat, and John gets the advantage by biting Bole; he then shoves him through the ropes and outside the ring.} [Heather]: Asylum using a truly vicious tactic -- AND HE SENDS BOLE OUTSIDE! You know that's a sign he's preparing for the high intensity attack! [Kyle]: As opposed to all the backpedalling and weardown holds he's been using so far, right? {Standing up, he rushes to the opposite side, bounces off the ropes, and leaps through the ropes on the return to bring down Jilliam with a plancha dive.} [Heather]: Asylum to the ropes -- SU-I-CIIIDE!!! {He rolls Bole back into the ring, climbs the outside of the turnbuckles, and leaps off with a shooting star fist drop; however, Gerber pauses to issue another warning for use of the glove, before acquiescing to making the count: 1 ... 2 ... Bole gets a foot on the ropes.} [Kyle]: If he's going to nitpick like THAT, we're going to be here all NIGHT ... {mock whiny voice} "I can't count that pin, you actually contacted your opponent to knock him down." {As Asylum stands back up, unsure of whether to beat on Bole or Billy, Bole makes the decision moot with a punch to the groin, then tags in Lee. Lee tries to kick John, but John grabs Bole by the tights to take the hurt for him again, then punches Kim, which earns him another predictable rant from Billy as he climbs the corner. He waves Billy out of the way, and jumps off with a flying punch, but Lee hits him in the midsection instead.} [Kyle]: See? See? That is a DIRECT result of Billy Gerber's needless interference! {Lee then drops a knee but this time John rolls out of the way. Kim recovers, and puts a claw on John; John breaks out, and pushes him through the ropes. He grabs the top rope and slingshots himself over for a plancha dive. Getting up, he grabs the timekeeper's chair and runs up the ringside stairs, leaping off as he hits the apron to nail Kim with the chair.} [Heather]: Asylum with the chair -- AND THERE HE GOES!!! {He rolls in Lee and climbs the corner, leaping off with a shooting star fistdrop and hooking a leg: 1 ... 2 ... Kim manages to push his way out.} [Heather]: AMAZING!!! Who'd have imagined Lee had anything left to give after being assaulted by a chair and Asylum's 'orthopedic brace'? {Both men get to their feet, and John decks Kim with the glove, knocking him to the mat, then climbs the turnbuckles again; he leaps off with the shooting star fist, but Kim rolls out of the way, and makes the tag to Jilliam.} [Heather]: Air Asylum taking off -- and nothing but the bottom of the mat! Kim Lee gets himself out of the way, AND out of the ring! {Jilliam steps inside and drops an elbow on Asylum before he can get up, but John dodges, and punches him. Gerber gets in John's face again over the glove; John shouts him off, and hops on the ropes to spring off in a moonsault, but Jilliam is already well out of the way.} [Kyle]: Aaaargh! If he's going to be like that, why doesn't Billy just tag himself in for Perfection? {Bole snares him in a headlock, and lifts him to his feet, then bulldogs him down. John makes a lunge tag from the floor to bring Kirwan into the ring. Kirwan grabs Bole from behind, crossing his arms in front, and suplexes him as John helps him over with a leg lariat.} [Heather]: Hel-LO! Intensive Care showing that Perfection doesn't have a complete monopoly on the double team attack! {Mike puts on a half nelson/hammerlock combination. Bole gets a hand on the ropes, and Mike lets him go, then picks him up and whips him to the opposite ropes, catching him on the rebound with a tilt-a-whirl shoulderbreaker.} [Heather]: IMPRESSIVE power maneuver from Stretcher! {Both men stand, and Mike approaches from behind for another straitjacket suplex, but Bole grabs him by the head and snap mares him, then tags in Lee. Lee steps in as Mike gets to his feet, and delivers a flurry of martial arts maneuvers: karate chop, karate kick, palm thrust ... he whips Mike to the ropes, rushing to the opposite side himself; Mike attempts a jumping clothesline as the meet, but Lee ducks again, and applies a clawlock. Mike breaks his grip, and he switches to a pinch sleeper. Mike escapes that, only to get pulled into a kneebar armlock.} [Heather]: Tiger Lee uses a little taste of turnabout to keep Mike Kirwan under control ... {Mike breaks the lock, and retorts with a wakigatme.} [Kyle]: ... and he probably shouldn't have -- it just makes Mike mad! [Stan]: Far as I've ever been able to tell, purty-near EVERYTHING makes Mike mad. {Kim escapes, and Mike wraps him in a nelson/hammerlock. Kim grabs the ropes, and Mike lets go; both men stand up, and Kim drops Mike with a thrust kick, then tags in Jil. The two grab Mike for a double maneuver, but Mike drops them both with a double jumping clothesline.} [Heather]: No trickery here -- Mike with the direct approach to double team woes!!! {Kim rolls out of the ring, as Jil grabs Mike with a side headlock, drags him to his feet, and bulldogs him. Kim reenters the ring as Jil climbs the corner; Mike knees Kim in the groin and snaps him into a belly to belly suplex, which gets him out of the way of Jil's moonsault, even as Asylum climbs his own corner. Jil recovers quickly, putting a headlock on Mike and standing him up, only to be hit with a flying punch to the head from Asylum.} [Heather]: Jil with a controlling headlock on Stretcher -- INCOMING!!! Asylum takes down Jil to save his partner! {Asylum drags Lee outside the ring and returns to his corner as Mike locks Jil in a nelson/hammerlock combination; Bole escapes the lock, and Mike tags in John, who climbs to the top to leap off with a shooting star fist drop. He makes the cover: 1 ... 2 ... Jil manages to get a leg on the ropes.} [Heather]: Jilliam Bole thwarts another cover by John ... [Kyle]: We've seen so many shooting stars in this match, Shumaker and Levy are on the phone to get coordinates ... {John gets up and climbs the corner, jumping off as Jil gets to his feet to take him down with a flying hurricarana; he hooks a leg: 1 ... Jil kicks out. Bole manages to headlock John, and returns to his feet before bulldogging him. He tags in Kim Lee, who hits John with a savate kick; Lee drags John back up only to be hit with a hurricarana, but Kim kicks out before Gerber can make a count. John gets up and climbs the corner, leaping off with a moonsault; again, Lee breaks the pin before the count. Asylum hops onto the other corner, and jumps into a shooting star fist drop, then hooks the leg: 1 ... 2 ... 3!} [Rod Allen] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ... in a total time of eighteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds ... the winners of this match -- and STILL World Tag Team champions -- INTENSIVE CAAAAAAAAARE!!! {The crowd gives a low boo as the boys in blue leave the ring.} >>PRESSBOX<< [Heather] While the officials prepare for the next match, let's get some comments from an up and coming AWI star who wasn't fortunate enough to make it to Montreal tonight ... ================================================================= {The scene opens on a lavish study, bookshelves line each wall as several couches and a large desk occupy the room as a Bach Bradenberg concerto cheerfully plays. First and foremost is a table dominating the center, on it a single lamp casting forth a brilliant glow bathing the table in a white light bringing it to the forefront. Perched on the table is an immaculately carved chess set in midgame. Captured pieces line each side as the battle continues to rage amongst the sixty-four squares. From the archway on the left side of the room Grandmaster Alexander Spassky walks in, wearing a silk smoking jacket and puffing away on a pipe. He carries an envelope and upon sitting down, extracts the letter and reads it after delicately balancing his reading glasses upon his nose. He immediately moves a black piece on the far side of the board and begins to speak while studying the board.} [Spassky] Wrestling has been touted as a game of human chess by some boorish announcer, and while he is usually dull, this point should be heeded. In 1972, Bobby Fischer stated 'Chess is life' en route to capturing the world title. In this, I agree. When one takes 64 squares, and places atop them 32 pieces that move in different ways the possibilities become unfathomable. Irish-American player James Mason once calculated that there are 169,518,829,100,544 quintillion possible moves within only the first 10 moves of a match. Wrestling, like life, consists of moves and countermoves. It is my contention that I will come up with the winning combination before my opponent. Deviation from the rules is an admission of weakness, and the weak will be dealt with swiftly. It appears that Mr. Abercrombie was a bit put off by my appearance last week. I see his sophomoric demeanor has reared its ugly head ... no surprise really. I suppose I could play your childish games like an eight year old and perform witty adjustments to your name ... let's see, 'Slug 'Mr Excrement' Aberwannabe' how is that? Does that make me a better man? Do I win, hmm??? Of course not. The better man is decided through direct competition. Mr. Abercrombie, you made some erroneous assertions that I feel must be addressed, I do so hate ignorance ... which I why I probably dislike you and your companion so much. *I* am not a servant of any kind, you obviously are unfamiliar with the higher strata of civilized society, receiving your education from prime-time television or {gasp} public school. There is nothing wrong with those who choose a life as a gentleman's gentleman, for it is honest and respected work. I, however, do not require assistance, I depend solely upon my own abilities ... unlike you and your 'sidekick.' Secondly, my appearance and physical condition are no concern of yours. Not that there is anything wrong with the fact that an attractive male physique means a great deal to you, I am in no position to comment on whatever preferences you prescribe to. And yes, I cannot deliver textbook dropkicks like you have demonstrated. I believe you stated that I could not even raise my leg to kick higher than knee level ... {sigh} ... let me put this in schoolboy, locker room vernacular so you and your associate can understand it: When you are unconscious on the mat, that is all the height I'll need to kick your ass! ================================================================= {The camera cuts to show Rod Allen in the ring.} [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is set for one fall, with a time limit of fifteen minutes ... introducing first, from the borough of Manhattan in New York City, New York ... weighing in at two-hundred and ninety-two pounds ... accompanied to the ring by "The Billion Dollar Babe" Melissa Wright ... D ... A ... BOOOOOOOOOKTHROWER!!! >>AISLE<< {"My Own Prison" by Creed begins to play as D.A. and Melissa walk down to the ring, showered all the way with boos from the crowd.} [Allen]: And his opponent tonight ... from the city of Dublin, Ireland ... weighing in at two-hundred and thirty-five pounds ... accompanied to the ring by his manager, /Miranda/ Wright ... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNYYYYYY BOOOYYY MCGILL!!! {The crowd explodes into cheers as the opening bars of "Tubthumper" by Chumbawumba accompanies Danny and Miranda to the ring.} [Rod Allen] Your referee for this match is Tom Newman. {The two lock into a collar-elbow tieup. Bookthrower gets the advantage, and throws a hard kick to the gut; McGill falls down, but only to take D.A. with him in a drop toehold.} [Heather]: D.A. immediately using the brawling shortcut -- but Danny Boy comes back with a nice technical counter! {He moves to a half-nelson; D.A. escapes, and McGill DDTs him before he can stand straight. Both men get to their feet; Danny Boy whips D.A. to the ropes, and dropkicks him when he rebounds. McGill sinks to one knee as D.A. gets back to his feet, and pulls him down with a fireman's carry. He picks up D.A. and whips him into the ropes, charging to the opposite side; D.A. ducks under a clothesline, but gets hit with a dropkick on the second pass.} [Heather]: Danny Boy McGill showing the wealth of his entire family's wrestling experience, seamlessly flowing between technique and agility ... {D.A. pokes Danny Boy in the eyes before he can regain his feet; standing up, he delivers a ribcrusher stomp, then picks up Danny and whips him to the ropes, catching him with a backdrop on the return.} [Kyle]: And now he's seamlessly flowing in a little puddle on the mat ... {He scoops up McGill as Danny rises to his feet, to drop him on his knee in a backbreaker, then follows up with a kneedrop to the back. Both men get up, and D.A. whips Danny Boy to the ropes, hiptossing him on the rebound; he picks up Danny and pushes him into the corner, smashing his head onto the turnbuckle. He then grabs Danny by the neck and chokeslams him.} [Heather]: BRUTAL series of maneuvers from the D.A.! [Stan]: Whereas I'm sure the flowery-soft moves are just running a little slow tonight ... {D.A. backs off, letting Danny Boy get to his feet, then charges back in, but Danny ducks aside and lets Bookthrower hit the turnbuckle; Bookthrower wards off McGill with a sharp kick as he's closing in to grapple, and Danny Boy returns fire with a roundhouse kick. D.A. smashes his head into the turnbuckle again, then scoops him up for a backbreaker. When McGill gets back up, D.A. tosses him through the ropes to the outside.} [Kyle]: Court is adjourned -- let us proceed with the sentencing! {Melissa Wright distracts the referee, while D.A. gets his briefcase; he goes to hit Danny Boy with it, but McGill cuts him short with a thrust kick, then rolls him back in the ring.} [Heather]: YES! Danny Boy fends him off, and we're back to a MATCH! [Kyle]: No need to rub it in. {Danny Boy puts on an inside toehold. D.A. escapes the lock, and stands up; McGill takes him down with a hurricarana.} [Heather]: WOW! Danny Boy takes down D.A. with a textbook rana! {McGill picks up D.A., who nails him with a double axehandle; D.A. attempts a powerbomb, but McGill rolls him into a small package (for no count). McGill is on his feet first, and wraps D.A. into another toehold. D.A. escapes; Danny Boy grabs his head as he's getting up, and bulldogs him down. He then climbs the corner, jumping off for a flying somersault splash. D.A. gouges him in the eye on the mat, and picks him up, but McGill sends him crashing down with a rana.} [Heather]: D.A. with a cheapshot attack -- but McGill fights back with another hurricarana! {Danny Boy then slaps on the scorpion deathlock.} [Heather]: And he puts on the McGill Leglock! {Bookthrower escapes, and Danny Boy drags him up, throwing him to the ropes; on the rebound, D.A. chops Danny Boy with a double axehandle smash, but Danny Boy retorts with a hurricarana, and wraps him into the scorpion deathlock again.} [Stan]: I think maybe D.A.'s seen that leglock just a bit too often for it to still be effective. [Heather]: Another rana from McGill -- and back to the McGill leglock! The D.A. had better prepare his final summation! {D.A. escapes, and Danny Boy climbs the corner, leaping off with a moonsault.} [Kyle]: Hey ... I think I'm seeing a pattern here ... hurricaranas, acrobatic splashes ... call me crazy, but I think you're looking at the NEXT North American champion! JADE TIGER HAS BEEN TRAINING DANNY BOY! [Heather]: That's -- oh, heck, all right: you ARE crazy, Kyle! {D.A. kicks out before the referee can make the count, and jabs Danny in the eye, then stands up and powerbombs him, bridging for a pin: 1 ... 2 ... Danny Boy manages to push out just in time. D.A. keeps a hold of Danny Boy's legs, and twists around into a Boston crab. Danny Boy escapes, but D.A. sits down and slaps on a camel clutch.} [Heather]: Bookthrower returning fire with a crushing series of maneuvers ... and there's the Instrument of Justice!!! {Danny Boy grabs the ropes; D.A. lets him get to his feet, then pulls him into a reverse DDT, hooking a leg for the pin: 1 ... 2 ... Danny Boy kicks out. D.A. gets up and grabs Danny Boy as he's rising, powerbombing him to the mat, then puts the camel clutch back on.} [Heather]: The referee is checking Danny Boy, who looks COMPLETELY out of it ... he's signalling for the ring bell -- I'm guessing he's throwing in the towel on Danny Boy ... {The referee starts pulling at D.A., who kicks him away.} [Heather]: What the-- BOOKTHROWER WON'T LET HIM GO! He's trying to permanently injure Danny Boy! [Stan]: When is he ever NOT trying to injure Danny Boy? [Heather]: We've got more officials running down to ringside ... but they're faring no better ... here comes Felony Slade to help--and that seems to finally do the trick, but Danny Boy's HURT ... he's barely MOVING ... [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen, referee Tom Newman has informed me that Danny Boy McGill has been ruled unable to continue this match ... therefore, the winner of this match ... D.A. BOOKTHROWER! {The crowds boo loudly as D.A. backs his way out of the arena, escorted by a number of stadium attendants, with a thoroughly intense and unrepentant expression on his face.} [Kyle]: Now THAT was a match worth watching ... and speaking of watching, I see an interested -- and, not to mention, interestING -- viewer down there ... hold on, I'm going for a "man on the street" opinion ... {Thumping sounds of headgear being removed.} >>RINGSIDE<< {The camera cuts to Kyle Esprit catching up with Jason Wrath, sitting in a corner seat; he has on a white T-shirt, blue jeans, a black leather jacket, and is sporting revo shades (the Lara Croft sunglasses).} [KE] I can't believe it, I mean, I just can't believe it ... here I am with the most intimidating man in the world today, Jason Wrath -- man, you've got me scared just standing here next to you. What's on your mind, JW? [HJW] Just chill, Kyle. When I've got a journalist of your incredible rep standing next to me, I can relax and not expect some stupid ass, half wit comments to tick me off. But since you did ask, I'm just here checking out the show. Bachman would face me here, the Kid is still ducking me, and everyone else in the AWI is so lame I figured what the hell, "Why even wrestle? Just watch the show and have a good time". So I'm drinking a few Molson Ice checking out the babes, and looking to see if there's anyone at this show worth kicking around a bit. [KE] Well, I'd offer some suggestions, but ... well, maybe not with so many witnesses. So, what are your plans for the immediate future, JW? It's obvious to me no one in their right mind would get in the ring with you, and that's gotta threaten your livelihood, right? [HJW] {sighs} Yeah, I know. But that's what happens when you put a big fish in a small pond. They all swim away. [KE] Don't I know it ... one quick question, JW, and I'll quit taking up your time. I know you want to get seated for a main event sometime soon. What's your take on the Mississipi Kid's comments and his challenge for you to face him at Union III? Is that a lucky break or WHAT? [HJW] {chuckles to himself} Yeah, right. Check this out, Kyle. If the Inbred Firecracker wants a piece of me he can just sign the dotted line. Yeah, you beat Bachman, but then you turn around and lose to a prelim like Maurice Jackson. Yeah, I'm looking forward to kicking your punk ass. Everybody knows that I'm going to run Bachman out of the league, so until then, hick boy, just get in line and wait for the "Hardliner" to show you a real champion ... the hard way! Later Kyle, I'm outta here! {With that Wrath turns and walks off thru the crowd, shoving the people who don't move fast enough out of his way.} >>PRESSBOX<< [Heather] How could anyone, even YOU, stand there and TOADY to that man like that? [Kyle] {Returning and sitting down} HEY! I meant every word of that! [Heather] You CAN'T be serious ... [Kyle] Sure I am ... for $500 an hour, I'll sing "I'm a Little Teapot" and mean every word of THAT, too. [Stan] Yeah, he's serious. >>RING<< [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen ... the MAIN EVENT of the night will be a match set for one fall, to determine the Allied Wrestling International WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ... this match has NO TIME LIMIT -- there MUST BE A WINNER! Introducing first, from the city of Toronto, Ontario in Canada, weighing in at two hundred and eighty-two pounds ... the winner of the Spring Stampede '97 ... KEEEEEEEEEN MISCHIEF!!! {The crowd issues a flurry of boos as Ken makes his way to the ring with a very determined expression.} [Rod Allen] And his opponent tonight ... from the city of Usa, Japan ... he stands seven feet and one inch, and weighs in at three hundred and eighty five pounds ... >>AISLE<< {The guitar chords that open the Faith No More cover of "War Pigs" strike up with deafening volume, as the aisle entrance is enveloped in obscuring steam ... colored spotlights from behind shine through the mist, highlighting an immense shadow within ... moments later, streams of pyrotechnics shower from opposite sides of the aisle, forming an arch which the shadow emerges from, revealing the monster of a man clad in black pants, red boots and knee pads, and a thick black headband in lieu of the usual mask.} [Allen] ... he is the Iron Man of the AWI -- the "WAAAAAAAAAR MACHINE", GREEEEEEEEEG GAAAAAAAAARRRDNEEEEEEEEERRR!!! {The crowd goes crazy as Greg stalks his way down to the ring, climbing up the stairs and stepping over the top rope.} [Allen] Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes. {Rod Allen steps out of the ring as Curtis squares them off. Gardner opens by bodyslamming Mischief.} [Heather]: And the War Machine opening with an unmistakeable statement: HERE I AM!!! {Gardner picks up Ken, who returns the favor, slamming Gardner down.} [Kyle]: And Ken Mischief with an equally obvious response: "anything you can do, I can do better!" {Ken picks up Greg, who hits him with a big boot kick to knock him back, then rushes in with a forearm smash to knock Ken to the mat.} [Heather]: Greg POWERING Ken down to the mat! {Greg picks Ken back up and whips him to the ropes, taking him down with another big boot kick on the return. As Ken staggers back to his feet, Gardner scoops him up for another slam. Gardner picks him up and whips him to the ropes, bending down for a back drop, but Ken grabs him by the head and spins him into a neckbreaker.} [Stan]: Greg, you telegraph'd that one so badly, AT&T is asking for royalties. {Ken drops to one knee, and applies a head vise; Gardner breaks the lock, and Mischief stands up, kicking Greg in the back. He drags Gardner to his feet and tries to whip him into the corner, but Gardner whips him around to the corner instead. Greg grabs him bouncing off the turnbuckle, and whips him into the ropes, tossing him overhead in a back drop on the rebound. He closes in as Ken stands, and Mischief clotheslines him, but Greg stays standing.} [Kyle]: {groan} Oh, here we go again -- Greg Gardner and his Amazing Gravity Boots! {The two stand off for a moment, then Gardner grabs Ken by the neck and chokeslams him.} [Heather]: Greg's calm beginning to wear -- that's a pretty vicious maneuver for him, and Curtis is letting him know it's not acceptable. {The referee gives Greg a warning, and Ken rushes in to clotheline him, but Greg catches him at the last second to throw into a Northern lights suplex: 1 ... 2 ... Ken gets a shoulder up.} [Heather]: Ken looking to capitalize, but Gardner's on his toes -- AND THERE'S THE POWERPLEX! Gardner bridges for the pin -- but Ken's out JUST in time! [Kyle]: An awful lot of people have gotten out of that move JUST in time, you know ... I think I'd give the Olsen Twins even odds on a kickout. {Both men get back to their feet, and Gardner picks Ken up from behind by the waist, lifting him to shoulder height, then spins him around while dropping to a sitting position and slamming him to the mat.} [Heather]: Gardner coming from behind, and lifting Ken for an atomic dr-- no, he twists it into a variant powerbomb! [Stan]: Let's split the difference: "atomic bomb". There, that's not so hard, is it? [Heather]: Gardner leans in to make the pin ... ONE -- TWO -- THREE!!! Gardner got him! [Kyle]: What?!? No! Look, Ken's got a foot on the ropes! {Ken does indeed, and the Curtis Keyes taps off Gardner. Gardner pulls Ken up to his feet as he stands, then hoists him up to drop into a fallaway slam.} [Heather]: SEVEN FEET STRAIGHT DOWN!!! You KNOW Ken Mischief is feeling that! {Ken rakes him in the face as they're getting back to their feet, then throws him into a belly to belly suplex.} [Heather]: Cheapshot by Ken -- AMAZING!!! He throws Gardner to the mat, close to FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS!!! Ken drags a leg in for the pin -- you can SEE what that took out of him ... {Curtis makes the count: 1 ... Gardner throws him off. Ken picks him back up and throws him into the corner. He closes in, and the two struggle in the corner for a few moments, before Ken gets the advantage with a DDT.} [Heather]: Gardner is holding him off-- no, Ken with the DDT! [Stan]: It's not a big power move, but considering all the punishment Gardner's thick mug has taken in the past few years, I'm surprised that didn't draw blood ... {He makes a cover: 1 ... Gardner kicks out. Both men get back to their feet; Gardner grabs Ken, crosses his arms under his chest, and powerbombs him from that position.} [Heather]: Gardner with the advantage -- and ANOTHER powerbomb variant!!! Gardner with a cover -- one ... two ... thr-- no, Ken kicks out ... {Both men return to their feet, and Gardner grabs Ken from behind, but Ken pokes him in the eyes, then whips him into the ropes, catching him on the rebound with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.} [Heather]: Ken with a cheap shortcut to ward off Greg -- into the ropes -- OH MY GOD!!! BIG TROUBLE!!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! [Stan]: {low whistle} {He falls on top exhaustedly for the cover: 1 ... 2 ... 3! Rod Allen enters the ring as Ken Mischief gets back to his feet, the recovering Gardner sliding out of the ring to stare in with a mix of shock and disapproval.} [Rod Allen] Ladies and gentlemen ... the winner of this match ... and now the World Heavyweight champion of Allied Wrestling International ... {The boos already begin to start, as reality impinges on the fans' idealism.} [Allen] KEEEEEEEEEN MISCHIEF!!! {Ken takes the belt from the referee, and holds it overhead, doing his best to appear as supremely confident as before the match, instead of like a strong breeze would put him down for the count. The video screen alternates dissolves between a repeat of this image and Ken Mischief's "stallion head" logo.} >>PRESSBOX<< [Heather] An one in a million finish from the self-proclaimed perfect specimen, Ken Mischief -- who will walk out of the arena tonight the one and only World Champion of the AWI ... [Kyle] JUST as he promised -- an hour ago, a week ago, a YEAR ago, and when he first entered this league! Nostradamus couldn't have given you a more accurate prediction: this isn't victory, beautiful, IT'S DESTINY!!! [Heather] Folks, we're running short on time ... I'd like to thank all the viewers watching tonight on pay-per-view television, the great fans here in Montreal, and the courteous and efficient staff of the Molsen Centre ... for Kyle Esprit, Stan Jurgens, and the rest of Allied Wrestling International, this is Heather Rasputin, signing off for INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!!! ================================================================= Copyright (c) 1998