Alternative History of The World

The inhabitants of Egypt are called mummies. They lived in the Sarah dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of Mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brothers son?". God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac,stole his brother's birthmark.

Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacobs sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the hebrew slaved to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onto Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Withouts the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government in Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their neck. Finally, the Magna Carta proved that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense."

And just in case you thought science students werte any better, these were taken from genuine science papers (apparently!).

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

And theres me feeling silly for getting steroids and adrenaline mixed up in a GCSE biology paper. I feel much better after that lot :-)

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