The Devil's Dictionary
by
Ambrose Bierce
copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc
PREFACE (edited)
The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued off and on at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic's Word Book, a name which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work:
"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared."
Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definition, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech.
A.B.
Aboriginies: n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon ceased to cumber; they fertilize.
Absurdity: n. A statement of belief manifested inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Academe: n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy: n. [from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.
Admiration: n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Apologize: v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
Bore: n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Circus: n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women, and children acting the fool.
Edible: adj. Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man and a man to a worm.
Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Grave: n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Happiness: n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Ocean: n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills.
Senate: n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
Vote: n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Please come back and visit me soon.