Oddly enough, my suspicions on Mr. "I-live-in-Arizona" Chris were correct. They are dating. Yeah. Apparently for about two weeks now. I don't know when Heather was planning on telling me. What I got out of her was just ways she didn't want to tell me. What I weasled (quite expertly, I might add) out of Amber was that she had already had sex w/ him. That's interesting. And very... um... disturbing in many ways. She told me so many times she didn't want to be a whore or a slut like her mom or her sister. Amber says she wanted to do it just as bad as any of the rest of her friends. That leaves me to wonder why she never did it w/ me. Amber says she thinks it was probably because Heather didn't want to push it because I didn't want to do it. Um... maybe at first I didn't, but geez... I did rent that hotel room one time, and tried to... What the fuck. I guess that really doesn't matter anymore. I'm appalled. And very hurt. And honestly, even w/ out the sex part, I would still be, I guess. But that wouldn't make any sense, as I said in the last one. I mean, I know I should never get back together w/ Heather unless she becomes way, way nicer to me. And that she never will be. But I still feel so betrayed, somehow. What the fuck. Why do emotions have to not make any sense? Justin came over for a while tonight before he went to L.A. just to talk to me about it. It's great to have him back around for something like this. Somehow talking to him always helps a lot. Probably because he's been around a while, and understands me. None of the girls I can really talk to understand as well. Which reminds me... I was supposed to go to the movies w/ Jennifer today. That was the plan... until I found out about Heather, and stayed around the store talking to Morgan and Amber for hours to keep my sanity.
Speaking of Amber, something else Heather told me that has Amber panicking... Chris keeps telling her she should move to Arizona to be with him. Ha! Not even dating two weeks and he starts trying to get her to move out there. What the fuck, boy? Of course, this idea apparently is pretty appealing to Heather. How good was that sex, huh Heather? Geebus. Or are you just that desperate to feel loved in general? And if so, how much more painful for me to know that you could resist getting back together w/ me.
I told her she should go ahead and move out there. She said "Are you just trying to get rid of me already?" I said no. Though really I did basically say that in hurt frustration. But maybe she should. Natalie said maybe she should, and then she'd learn what a mistake it was. Amber seems to be really afraid that Heather would learn that she did want to stay out there. At the moment that still doesn't sound so bad to me, but I'm sure as I slowly get used to this, I'll stop thinking it might be nice to have her move away.
My brain just keeps coming back to how long I was with her, and how we never really had sex, and then how she's with this guy for no time at all and has sex w/ him. A few times. Not just once, I'm sure. I'm so not going to do well at work tomorrow. At least Natalie will know why. I open, which means I have to wake up in... 6 hours. As if I'd even fall asleep if I went to bed right now anyway. Another problem I've started having is this thing keeps making me start to hyperventilate. The rapid, hard breathing just reminds me of people having sex. Vicious circle. So then I take a sharp, deep breath to clear my brain, and shake a while. Fuck this shit. I need to just stop feeling. I mean, I knew this was coming. But I really didn't think it would kick my ass like this. I mean, fuck, let her go elsewhere. I've been calling her a bitch more and more recently anyway. What do I care? But apparently I do. A lot.
Justin told me I needed to meet new people. Badly. He said he was going to take me to bars. I said "Oh, like I'm going to meet the kind of girl I want there!" and he said "I don't care! You need to meet someone!" Which is true. I do. But seriously, in a bar? Tara told me she actually uses the online dating sites. I suppose I could try those more seriously this time. But fuck. That feels really pathetic. "A whisper to a scream..." How nice of this song to come back at a time like this. Speaking of, I'd totally call HannaH right now, but I know she's asleep. I really need to get the idea of them having sex out of my brain. This is really, really, REALLY bad. It's totally fucking me up. I don't know when to stop this and try to sleep. I just fear the image coming back. All this stress can't be good for my body. Someone help me. Please...

(9-13 1:24)

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