Freud
Laurence Emming sits down in the waiting area and flicks through an old magazine profiling the then latest works of the brothers Ug and Gha the cave painters.
"Mr. Freud will see you now," says a venerable lady who is dressed in a thankfully concealing trench coat.
She shows him the way to the room and he walks in silently.
An old man with small round rimmed glasses asks him to take seat on his red couch that seemed to spark a thought about May West, disregarding this he sat down. The old man announced he was Sigmund Freud whilst he quickly scribbled on his note pad.
Freud looks up and asks, "How can I be of help to end your neurosis Mr Laurence Emming"
"Well you see I’ve been having these nightmares about an old woman."
"Who is this woman?"
"I don’t know I can’t recognise her I just know she is old.
Anyway she pulls a knife out of her purse and proceeds to hack at my throat. Just before the dream ends she licks the end of the knife at this point I generally wake up covered in sweets. I’ve had this dream for almost a week now the same one every night. I’m at my wits end and I need some professional help or I don’t know what I’ll do."
Freud looks up from his note pad and licks a bead of sweat from his lips and grins doing his favourite impression of the Cheshire cat.
"Will you stop disappearing I find it slightly distracting, anyway I paid fifty bucks an hour for your professional help and not for your ability to impersonate a Lewis Carol feline."
"Oh sorry" says Freud. "I thought you would be impressed most people are you know.
So back to business then, what we have here are repressed desires. I believe the knife was a phallic symbol and the slit on you throat a vaginal symbol. This signifies you yearning for a sexual encounter with the old woman."
"Er maybe not it could be to do with the old lady who mugged me last Tuesday"mutters Laurence
"No definitely not you want to have wild rampant sticky sex with an old hag."
"No I do not! I tell you it’s the old woman, last week she had a knife in her handbag too."
"Mrs Palm can you came in please."
In walks the Octogenarian wearing knee high leather boots and a matching leather bra that creates a ravine of flesh on her midsection. Disturbingly she had a treasure trail of blond matted hair leading from her navel to the palace of the not so glittering delights.
"Oohhh have you been a naughty boy Mr. Emming ‘cause I like naughty boys. I like to spank them with my cane."croaks the leviathan."
"Oh my god" gasps Mr. Emming repulsed at his uninterrupted view of a cave whose last visitors were known as Homo Erectus.
"Is this what you want Mr. Emming this fine lady will fulfil your fantasies and cure you nurosis and in the interest of science I shall join in but first lets get the jam Ha ha ha" pants Freud.
"Stop this at once you perverts!" shouts a voice from the doorway. Standing there is another smartly dressed old man in glasses who is markedly taller than the first man. He is flanked by two burly men of the law who apprehend the impostors and cart them off to a minimum-security jail.
"I'm very sorry about them sir. They were let out on care in the community. However I am the real Sigmund Freud and if you tell me your problem I will sort it out for free"
"Well you see I’ve been having these nightmares about an old woman"
"Who is this woman?"
"I don’t know I can’t recognise her I just know she is old.
Anyway she pulls a knife out of her purse and proceeds to hack at my throat. Just before the dream ends she licks the end of the knife at this point I generally wake up covered in sweets. I’ve had this dream for almost a week now the same one every night. I’m at my wits end I need some professional help."
Freud removes a small plastic bag containing some powder form his pocket. Would you like some Mr. Emming he asks "its sherbet … well kind of"
"No thank you"
"I just can’t seem to get enough of it these days. Sherbet in the morning sherbet in the evening I have to have it with everything and do you know it’s even better if you sniff it"
"Excuse me did you say you sniff sherbet? No one sniffs sherbet."
"Well I do it’s great, the best way is to sniff it using a straw you get loads that way. It may sound weird but I get some of my best ideas after sniffing sherbet."
After Freud has inhaled a sizeable chunk of sherbet he picks up his notebook and pen saying
"I believe what we have here are repressed desires. I believe the knife was a phallic symbol and the slit on you throat a vaginal symbol. This signifies you yearning for a sexual encounter with the old woman."
"Er maybe not it could be to do with the old lady who mugged me last Tuesday." mutters Laurence who’s experiencing slight Déjà vu.
"In fact I believe the old woman is your mother and you wish to have sexual relations with her."
"You're just as messed up as the other guy"
"No I am serious Mr. Emming please tell me about your parents"
"Well my mother is from Nebraska…hey this has got nothing to do with my parents."
"Did your parents used to indulge in carnal pleasures while you watched and smeared strawberry jam on your mothers breasts?
"What?!"
"I am not going to talk about my parents sex life!"
"Oh go on I won’t tell anybody."
"No"
"Go on tell your old friend Siggi."
For the last time I will not talk about my parents sex life and will you get your hand off my thigh."
"Sorry, shall we talk about your sex life?"
"Why?"
"I have reason to believe your falling asleep during sex."
"Excuse me?"
"You and your wife get a bit kinky and out comes the candy floss (apple flavoured) but you fall asleep half way through the deed. Lastly you wake up covered in sweets."
"What do you suppose I do then?"
"Well we could share her when you are dozing I give her a quickie until you wake up. Then you take over it’s a bit like a relay race. What do you think?"
"Yeah it's a great idea when do we start?"
"How about seven thirty tonight?"
"Your on, I'll bring the candy floss (apple flavoured)"
"Your on, I’ll bring the candy floss (apple flavoured)"
"Done"
"Bye then, I’ll see you tonight!"
So Mr. Emming walks out not entirely cured but looking forward to mange a trois with Sigmund Freud candy floss (apple flavoured), his wife and half a packet of sherbet.
Hammi (or Alik)