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DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns them, don't sue me. Not MY fault that everyone's favorite Captain and Commander are being mishandled. Sue THEM!!

PG-13

This started (don't you just LOVE those words?) as a pre-epilogue to the recent episode, "Counterpoint." Well, as it violates canon, I guess that now it's just an AHOTW story epilogue type of thing. No Devore, no Kashyk (or whatever the spelling was). That would be a wonderful life.

Voyager shook with the final blast as the alien ship fired again and then jumped to warp. The consoles on the bridge were smoking, and the automatic extinguishers hurried to put out the flames.
Captain Janeway stared at the viewscreen watching for something - anything - to happen. But nothing did. She looked at her bridge crew, bustling about with repairs already, waiting for the invincible captain to get up and issue her orders or make amends, or visit Wildman down in sickbay. But she did none of these things.
She sat in her chair, unmoving, hating herself for bringing them into the damned Delta Quadrant, hating herself for being manipulated.
Chakotay sat down in his chair with a huff, expelling a great amount of air as he relaxed for the first time in over a week. "Good job, Captain," he said with congratulations in his voice. "I didn't think you'd do it, but you pulled us through again." He smiled a dimpled grin in her direction. The smile fell off his face as he saw her blank expression. Usually she was up and about, smiling and laughing, or at least talking. He saw nothing of that. "Captain?" He nudged her arm, but nothing happened. "Captain?" he asked with alarm in his voice, nudging her harder.
"What, I'm sorry, did you say something, Commander?" She turned her head in his direction, to the seat at her left, but he could tell that she wasn't seeing him, not really. She looked lost, like that night when he entered her quarters as they traveled through the Void.
"Just that you need to get off the bridge, Captain," he answered, still trying to catch her eyes.
"Yes," she said softly. "You have the bridge, Commander." Chakotay stared after her as she entered the turbolift and ordered it to her quarters. He turned back to the bridge and saw Tom Paris following his line of sight. The ensign had seen everything.
"Something interesting, Ensign Paris?" he demanded, emphasizing the much lower rank.
"No, sir!" snapped the helmsman, turning back to fixing the damage to his station.

"Engineering!" she snapped at the daily briefing. B'Elanna looked at Tom and Harry, then at Chakotay. He just shook his head. This wasn't their normal captain, he knew it - there just wasn't anything he could do about it. B'Elanna gave her report.
"We should have full warp capabilities within twenty-four hours, but the damage to minor systems will take a longer time to finish. We're not even certain that we've found ALL the things that are wrong, Captain."
"Well, see too it. I want to be on our way with a fully functioning ship as soon as possible. Operations!"
B'Elanna gave Harry a pitying glance, but got a warning glare from Janeway in return. She lowered her gaze to her lap, wondering what was wrong with the captain.
"Um, Captain," started Harry, "we're operating at 47% normal efficiency. Due to the number of casualties, most people are working two shifts in a row, especially in Engineering and Sickbay."
"You're telling me?" asked Tom. "Captain, we can't do this! I've been on duty for 36 hours straight! There are still at least thirteen people in Sickbay! The doctor's down there - you're lucky he can't get tired, ‘cause I know that I am!"
"Enough, Mister Paris. I know all of the problems. Any other major things?"
"Captain," spoke up Neelix, "with the low power, the replicators are off-line and many people are coming to my kitchen and finding that I can't feed them all at once! Captain, we're running out of food - we need the replicators or to find a nice M-class planet or SOMETHING!"
Janeway stared at him, "I know, Neelix. I do know. Ensign Paris, return to the helm. I'll have someone get down to sickbay for you. Commander, I would like a word with you in the ready room. Dismissed."
When the command team entered the ready room, she held her head in her hands and collapsed on the couch. Chakotay sat gingerly next to her, hoping that she would tell him what was bothering her. But the captain said nothing.
"Kathryn? I need to know something. What's wrong?"
"I can't tell you, Chakotay."
"You can always tell me," he said, putting a hand on her arm. "Any time, anything, you can tell me."
"No, I can't, Chakotay."
"Why?" he asked, inching closer to her.
"Because, because, because . . . it's my prerogative as Captain, Commander!" She sat up as she said this, suddenly pulling away from him and directing her vision to the viewscreen.
"Kathryn," he said softly.
"What?"

Outside the ready room, the senior staff sat at their posts, working to keep Voyager working. "Scanning bridge systems for any malfunction," came Tuvok's calm voice. The computer beeped as it scanned, then wailed as it found a problem. "The red alert klaxons have suffered a malfunction," intoned Tuvok.
"Leave them broken," said Tom irritably. "We could do without the noise."
"That, Ensign Paris, is not an option."
"Why not?" he yelled.
"Because the Captain would not be pleased. And as you have caused her enough problems in the past month, I would not like having to tell her that one of the systems remained broken due to dereliction of duty."
"I don't care, Tuvok!" he muttered in the Vulcan's direction.
"Tom," put in B'Elanna.
"What?" he said, whirling on his lover.
"Go get some sleep. That's a direct order."
"Yes, ma'am," he said, starting to rise from his seat, but was pulled back by the sound of voices. From inside the ready room, the Captain and the Commander could be heard speaking, and the conversation was getting interesting.
"What?"
"You can tell me. Trust me."
"I do."
"Then tell me."
"You want to know, Chakotay?" Inside the ready room she stood and paced, holding her arms against her chest. "I'll tell you." Tears started running down Kathryn's face as she said, "Chakotay, your Captain let herself be used and manipulated."
Chakotay sat back in shock. He had been expecting something about getting stuck in the Delta Quadrant, bad command decisions, but not this. He stood and went to her. "Kathryn, how?"

Tom and the rest of the bridge crew weren't hiding their interest in the conversation. Why Tuvok hadn't stopped them yet was a total unknown, but there it was. They hear their first officer say, "Kathryn, how?"
He used her first name? Tom looked at B'Elanna, who shrugged in response. They grew silent when the captain finally spoke.
"How, Chakotay?" There was a gasp as she started crying again. "I forgot about my parameters. I spent so long defining parameters, and in a split second, I forgot. And I've been hurt, and used, and on top of that, I've hurt you." She raised her face to his, not knowing what to expect.
Chakotay stood, reeling. She could forget herself with an alien traitor, but she wouldn't let their relationship progress? She said that their relationship would never be anything more than that of friends, but there had never been a challenge to the delicate balance. They could flirt in public, dance a little too close, make comments with more sexual overtones than in a bad romantic comedy, but the relationship could never progress. They could spend nights talking and eating, but it would never go farther. Chakotay knew that he wanted to take that last little step, that he loved her. He had always thought that she had felt the same way, just that her command protocol prevented her from acting on her feelings. Apparently, he had been wrong.
On the bridge, there was a prolonged silence. No one understood that comment about parameters, but they were certain that Chakotay did. They passed haunted looks between each other, hoping that someone would say something. Anyone could say anything.
In the ready room, Chakotay sat down hard on the couch, his breathing labored. The Captain leaned over him, trying to get him to look at her. He averted his gaze to the floor. "Chakotay, I'm sorry." He didn't answer her, wouldn't look at her. "Chakotay, I'm human, I make mistakes."
He finally said, "These are the kind of mistakes that YOU don't make, Kathryn. We've had this conversation before. Unless he drugged you, I am inclined to believe that you went into this willingly."
She exploded, "WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL SO USED!?"
He looked at her sadly. She saw in his eyes the hurt she had felt when he dropped the ball with Riley. It was the same feeling that she had felt from the beginning - when she found out what he had done. "Oh, gods, Kathryn." He got to his feet shakily and she watched him, covering her mouth with her hands to stop the sobs that poured out.
As Chakotay crossed the bridge without acknowledging the officers that had heard the entire conversation, they stared in curiosity. He stopped and stood before the turbolift his ears perked for an insolent comment from the newly-demoted Ensign Paris. He didn't hear that. Instead he heard soft sobs coming from the direction of the ready room, and he knew two things. One, Kathryn was taking this rather hard, and two, the soundproofing on the ready room had been damaged during the alien attack. And that Tom Paris had heard the whole thing.
He whirled on the group. "Tuvok, you have the bridge. The rest of you, in the briefing room NOW!" he hissed in a voice that B'Elanna hadn't heard since the Maquis. They rose as a cohesive group and followed a glaring Commander into the briefing room and took their usual seats.
Chakotay kept his back turned to the group of B'Elanna, Harry, and Tom, not wanting the threesome to see the emotions passing over his face. He started talking without looking at them. "The terrible threesome strikes again?" he asked wearily.
They were silent.
"I want to know what you were thinking," Chakotay said, all traces of anger out of his voice. "Why would you do that - anything like that." He looked the group over. Harry, little Harry who was still on his first mission out of the Academy, looked terrified at the implications of his unintentional actions. Tom Paris - it was Ensign Paris now - looked a bit forlorn, and he could not meet Chakotay's gaze. He stared at his lap until he had to move his head. B'Elanna Torres, one of Commander Chakotay's best and oldest friends looked him straight in the eye. She may not have understood the conversation, but she understood the implications. B'Elanna squared her shoulders and silently dared Chakotay to reprimand them.
Chakotay faced the group as a whole, and no one noticed the doors slide open to admit Lieutenant Commander Tuvok and his weary friend, Captain Janeway. "First things first," said Chakotay, finally able to give a lecture. "Eavesdropping is a third-degree misdemeanor in Starfleet. But I don't care. Kath-the Captain might care, but I don't. I don't think anything was said that was against protocol. But I am worried. You are my closest friends, but you are also my officers, and I am worried under both cases." He paused to look at them again. "Anything you heard or think you heard goes nowhere. It is FORGOTTEN as of this instant. AM I UNDERSTOOD?" They nodded. "Secondly, B'Elanna, you will devote the rest of this shift and as much of the next one as you have to fixing this malfunction. Thirdly," he started but lost his voice. Chakotay waved his hands in the direction of the ready room.
B'Elanna spoke up. "Chakotay, we understand."
"No you don't, B'Ela, you can't possibly understand. Dismissed." He watched them walk out, each looking at the floor. He turned to walk out the other door and found himself face to face with his captain and the chief of security. All Chakotay said was, "Excuse me," before brushing away, tearing himself away from his Captain's gaze.
Kathryn stared after him, her hand on Tuvok's arm. "You have the bridge, my friend," she said. "There are a few things I have to do."

Chakotay ran off the turbolift and into his quarters, sealing them with a level-four override. Kathryn could get in if she wanted to, but why would she want to? She had made it clear, she didn't love him. No, instead she was off having an affair with a . . . whatever it was. He knew he had made the same mistakes, but that didn't seem to matter. What mattered was NOW, and now was when he had to decide what to do.
Move on? Stay and wait forever for something that could never be his? How could he face her after this? Certainly, she was entitled to pleasure - it was more than her right. There had been times that the need was obvious on her face - it was natural, he couldn't fault her that. But, but he felt so betrayed.
A memory surfaced unbidden - "I know I don't have the right to feel this way, but this bothers the hell out of me." Q had wanted to mate with his beautiful captain, and it had bothered him then. Now that something had actually happened, it bothered him. And he still didn't have the right to be bothered.
And it bothered him that he didn't have that right. Because that was the one thing he wanted. If anything came out of this trip, he wanted the right to be bothered by Kathryn Janeway and her life. He wanted to be a part of her life.
Chakotay collapsed on his couch, pulling off his Starfleet-issue boots and cursing the Caretaker for getting them stuck here. He couldn't bring himself to yell at Kathryn, regardless of what she had done. But he could, and did, yell at himself. The quadrant - he got the Maquis stuck in the DQ; the woman - it was his fault that he was head-over-heels in love with his commanding officer. Oh, and he was. Everything she did, her motions and her hands and hair - he loved it all. Since that day on New Earth - the plasma storm - he had been certain, and he had always come up with nothing.
"Give it up, Commander," he said out loud. "She doesn't love you - she's a lost cause!" With that, he rose and went into his bedroom and from there into the bathroom where he turned on the shower after a long day.

In the quarters next to Chakotay's, Captain Kathryn Janeway paced around her living room, praying that no one would interrupt. The five most senior officers were certain not to come barging in, well at least Chakotay wasn't going to. What had she done? It had been fun, she had missed having a man to hold and love and kiss. But hadn't Chakotay said that he would always be there, whenever she needed?
She dismissed those thoughts from her mind. She couldn't have feelings for her first officer! It was against protocol for a captain to have such "associations" with their crew. But wouldn't it be fun? He looked like SUCH a good kisser, and well, to say that the thought hadn't entered her mind would be lying.
"KATHRYN! GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!" she yelled at herself, more to keep herself alert than for anything else. What was going on? First she fell for an alien that used her, and she felt like she had betrayed a man that she had no commitment to. Was it that at her age, she could no longer afford to be alone? She sat on her couch, hugging a pillow to her chest in an attempt to keep her from thinking or falling asleep.
The attempt was as futile as resisting the Borg. Within fifteen minutes, Kathryn had fallen asleep in uniform after three sleepless nights.

On the bridge, tension ran high. Chakotay and Janeway sat stiffly in their chairs while B'Elanna tried to fix the soundproofing in the ready room. Tom Paris sat at the helm straining his ears and his neck to listen to any conversation. Harry Kim sat forlornly at his terminal, refusing to look at his commanding officers. It hadn't taken much imagination to figure out what their conversation had been referring to, and that was a picture he didn't want. Maybe it was that he regarded Janeway as a mother figure - and who could stand to see their mother hurt? Or maybe it was that the Captain and the Commander had a cheering section that consisted of the entire ship - and he was no exception.
Harry tried to get his mind back on his job, but there was nothing left to be fixed, and they were up to 85% standard efficiency. He let his mind wander, nearly jumping out of his skin when B'Elanna reentered the bridge, saying, "Problem solved, Chakotay could I talk to you?"
"My office," he said, barely giving Janeway a nod as he left. The Captain tried not to follow him with her eyes, but lost the battle, watching Chakotay as he walked off the bridge, Torres in tow. She watched him through the doors of his office and until the doors closed. No one missed the pain in her eyes.

Inside Chakotay's office, the first officer sat at his desk and B'Elanna sat facing him; it was all business. "What can I do for you, Torres?" Chakotay asked.
"You can tell me something, Chakotay?" said the half-Klingon woman.
Chakotay knew where this was headed, but asked, "What would that be, B'Elanna?"
"Who is hurting worst? You, the Captain, or the crew?" She was abrupt, as was her manner, but Chakotay hadn't been expecting that.
"What do you mean, Lieutenant?" he demanded, reverting to formality.
"I mean, Chakotay," she growled at him, "is that you're walking around like someone just took the world from you, Janeway's moaning over whatever it was that happened, but the rest of us have to put up with it! Morale has a way of falling when the commanding officers are at odds with each other, Old Man."
Chakotay stared at his friend, put off by her casual dismissal of his feelings. And the Captain's feelings. "Is that how you see this, Lieutenant?" he asked. "Is it ‘Oops, Kathryn and Chakotay are fighting again?' Because that's NOT it, Torres. This is not a simple disagreement that can be fixed with a simple talk about morale."
B'Elanna started when he used the Captain's given name, not her title. She looked at him again, wondering what went on behind that calm exterior. "Chakotay, just tell me what happened!"
"No." He pushed away from his desk and turned to look out the window at the stars that streaked by at warp speed.
"Why not? You've always been able to tell me things before." B'Elanna pleaded with him.
"Because protocol and my feelings dictate that I keep her secrets."
"Protocol. Is this about protocol? We heard something about defining parameters - just tell me what THAT meant."
"THAT was from a long-ago conversation on a deserted planet with a little monkey and a beautiful river. THAT is the basis of my problems, and Kath-the Capt, oh hell with it, Kathryn's problems too."
"What are you talking about? Chakotay, no offense, but you sound like you've gone totally off the deep end. And anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with protocol." She gave him a skeptical look and he sighed.
"B'Elanna, let me put it this way. I'm NOT seeing the Captain," he said, correcting his earlier slip. "But our relationship is the most complex one that I have ever heard of. Sometimes we're Captain and Commander, sometimes we're equals on the bridge, and every now and then we're Chakotay and Kathryn. No games. But it has never gone further because of parameters and protocol. Do you see where I'm coming from, B'Elanna?" he asked, finally losing the mask of command and being himself.
Torres stared at her friend. "Chakotay . . . ." She took a deep breath, hoping that what she was about to say wouldn't get her shoved out of the airlock. "Did the Captain sleep with that . . . whatever he was?"
"I don't know." His breathing was ragged and Chakotay rubbed his temples. "I wish I DID, Torres, so I could have a REASON to be feeling this way. But I don't have that right."
"Don't have WHAT right, Chakotay?"
"The right to care whether or not she slept with him or whatever. We're just friends, B'Elanna."
"Don't give me that, Chakotay!" B'Elanna spat at him, her Klingon temper starting to show. "Just friends! When was the last time that a friend looked at someone the way you look at the Captain, or the way she looks at you? Yes, you heard me, Chakotay! She loves you as much as I know you love her! I don't know how you don't see it, because it sure as hell is obvious to US!" She finished her tirade, expecting to see her Commander either screaming or throwing things, but Chakotay sat calmly at his desk, looking like she had just told him that his name was Chakotay and he was from Dorvan V. Something he already knew or didn't care about. His face was totally blank.
"Torres," he said. "You are dismissed."
"WHAT?"
"Dismissed, Lieutenant. I think that, having fixed the malfunction with the sound in the Captain's ready room, you can return to Engineering." She turned to leave, but he stopped her. "B'Elanna, if I hear any WORD of this conversation gets out, you will be demoted and spending your time scrubbing the hull. Do we understand each other?"
"We do."
"Good. Now get out of here so I can think."
Torres walked out and across the bridge, drawing looks of curiosity from the entire senior staff. She made sure her face showed no emotion, but somehow Janeway picked up on her feelings.
"Lieutenant Torres," she said, "could I please see you in my ready room?" Kathryn stood and walked towards the ready room, waiting for B'Elanna to follow. When the doors closed behind them, the Captain whirled. "What did he tell you?"
B'Elanna answered, "Not much, Captain. He was rambling a bit, but I got the impression that he's hurting a lot more than he lets on."
"Really. What gave you this impression, Lieutenant?" she asked, trying to mask her feelings.
"I'm not sure, Captain. When I finished my whole tirade, he looked like I had just told him that the sky on Earth was blue - some piece of non-information. This after I told him that both of you need to get your acts together, or every person on this ship is going to be miserable for the rest of your lives. Oh, and Captain, I know he calls you Kathryn when you're alone." B'Elanna wasn't sure why she had added that last piece of information, but she had. She hoped she wouldn't get in trouble.
Kathryn kept her mask of command firmly in place, hoping that B'Elanna couldn't recognize the panic that she felt. She knew Chakotay would catch it in an instant. "Really? What else did he say, Lieutenant?"
"I said he was rambling. I asked him what ‘defining parameters' meant, and instead of answering me, it was kind of a spech about some planet somewhere. Captain, what was he talking about?"
"That is none of your concern."
B'Elanna stood a little straighter. "Captain, with all due respect, it is my concern. If you want me to be able to speak to both of you, I have to know both sides of the story. No one wants explicit details, but rumors are running rampant around this ship; someone's going to have to straighten this out. Chakotay is one of my dearest friends, but he holds you in a higher regard than anyone I've ever met. He's madly in love with you and crying over something that only you can explain. Captain." Torres stopped talking, realizing that the Captain had looked away.
"B'Elanna, I'll tell you what I can, but if this conversation leaves this room, you will"--
"Be demoted and cleaning the hull. I know. That's what Chakotay told me, but I broke that rule already."
"By order from a superior officer. He'll understand." Kathryn had a small smile on her face, one that Torres couldn't interpret. "Lieutenant, you want to know what happened? Fine, I'll tell you." She took a deep breath, appalled that she was about to divulge her greatest secrets to a woman that she didn't know very well, or even get along with very well.
"B'Elanna, you're lucky," she started. "You have Tom. I have no one. I don't have that luxury. It is against any protocol that I know of for a commanding officer to have a relationship with a member of her crew." She held up a hand to stop B'Elanna from speaking. "You'll have your time to talk. Take notes." She paused to regather her thoughts. "And Chakotay knows that. The Ambassador was a simple opportunity for pleasure - something I haven't had in at least six years. I've had my fun times, to be certain, but . . . ."
"I understand, Captain."
"You do? Good. So, I forgot all of the parameters I had spent so long setting carefully in place. There were disastrous results. He was using me for information that I didn't have, and when I finally made that clear, he was kind enough to attack us. So, B'Elanna, do you think I have a reason to feel bad?"
"Uh, yes, Captain," said Torres hurriedly. "There are a few things I would like to say, though."
"Permission to speak freely is granted, Lieutenant." Janeway smiled at this. Even after a heartfelt speech she was still Captain. She was always Captain, except with Chakotay. But her thoughts were wandering. She turned her mind to B'Elanna.
"Captain," the engineer started, hoping she could hang onto her skin after this conversation. She didn't even want to think about her job. "Firstly, and hear me out, please, it is possible for you and Chakotay to carry on a romantic relationship. There is not a member of this crew who would mind - most of us would be thrilled. I don't think it will affect the ‘smooth running of the ship' unless you let it. While this recent thing was going on, you were normal on the bridge. I think that Chakotay has"--
"He has."
"Had several flings, but his duties weren't affected, except that his commanding officer was decidedly cold towards him." This time it was B'Elanna's turn to put up a hand. "We're thousands of light years away from Starfleet, who couldn't care less. To them, we're dead. Oh, I know they are aware of our existence, but I'm pretty sure that they don't spend every minute wondering when we'll come across their borders. Next, and this is hard to say, as you're my Captain, but, uh, did you sleep with him?"
"Who?" asked Janeway, eyes ice cold.
"That ambassador person." She hesitated. "Chakotay wanted to know."
Kathryn checked her temper. Instead of screaming, her voice was almost normal. "Why?" It was not a question; the order to answer the demand had been issued.
B'Elanna found herself looking at the carpeted floor of the Captain's ready room. "He said that he wanted a reason to feel the way he does."
"And how is that?" the superior officer asked, her voice a little softer.
"I think he feels used and lonely. That anything he ever said regarding his feelings has been thrown out the figurative window. Captain, I know this is hard for you, but if there's a way to make this better, PLEASE, Chakotay is hurting. And so are you." B'Elanna spoke woman-to-woman; rank had been unofficially dropped at the door.
Janeway dropped unceremoniously in her chair, and swung it around so she was facing the stars that whizzed by. "I don't know what I can do to rectify this, B'Elanna," she said in a whisper. "What can I say that will make it better for either of us?"
The question was rhetorical, but B'Elanna answered, "You could start with the truth, Captain."
When B'Elanna didn't get an response, she quietly excused herself from the room, hoping that the door wouldn't make too much noise. She exited the ready room and walked to the turbolift, glancing at the faces of each of her friends on the bridge.
Tom's face was curious, but a shake of her head was all that was needed for him to know that the topic was out-of-bounds. She smiled a quirky smile at him, and continued to stare.
Harry Kim was looking positively green at the Ops station, hating himself for doing nothing, for not noticing. He hated Captain Janeway had been hurt, he felt responsible for her - she was his mother away from home. B'Elanna read this all in his eyes, but didn't send him any reassurance.
She turned away to meet Tuvok's gaze. The stoic Vulcan was sitting in the Commander's chair - the "Big Chair" was almost off-limits when the Captain was on-duty. Their eyes met, questions being asked and answered in a gaze. Tuvok's eyebrow went up, and B'Elanna almost laughed. The situation was too serious for such a small action - it was almost funny. But she frowned instead of smiled, leaving the bridge crew to wonder what it was that had happened in the ready room this time around. She walked back to Engineering, hoping that nothing would break today.

"You could start with the truth, Captain."
Why was that phrase ringing in her ears hours after it had been spoken? Why couldn't she dismiss the image of Chakotay's face if he were to HEAR the truth. That would be a picture worth putting in the Doctor's holoshow. And why couldn't she stop thinking of the past?
Janeway tried to get back to the work at hand. Engineering Report . . . Ops Report . . . Security Report . . . Crew Evaluations. Crew Evaluations? Was it THAT time again?
She pushed up from her desk and paced the room. She would have to work with him on the crew evaluations. Working dinner, maybe? Or just dinner, forget about the crew evaluations - she wanted to see him under any circumstance!
"Janeway to Chakotay," she said.
"Chakotay here, Captain."
"Commander," she said, remembering at the last minute to use his rank, "could I see you in my ready room?"
"Aye, Captain." He ended the communication and crossed the bridge to the ready room, where he pressed the bell.
"Come in." Her response was clipped, and he found her sitting at her desk very professionally. "Commander, I have found that it is time for crew evaluations again."
"Oh, no." He collapsed in the chair that faced her desk, rubbing a hand over his face.
"I share the sentiment, Commander, but it has to be done." She paused, hoping this sounded professional. "I figured we could start them over a working dinner in my quarters this evening."
Chakotay panicked, "Uh, okay, Captain." He turned towards the door.
"Chakotay," said Kathryn.
"Yes?"
"This is also to talk."
"Yes, Kathryn. I think that's a good idea."
"Me, too. 1900 hours, and don't be late!"
"Yes, Ma'am," he said, leaving the ready room and missing her starbright smile.

Kathryn decided that this dinner would be simple, nothing fancy, nothing out-of-her way, but enough to let him know she still cared. She was in uniform, but the jacket was thrown over the back of her chair, a concession to the hour, and the fact that she was trying to be informal. Kathryn had started to program the replicator as the door chime rang.
"Come in," she said, choosing to allow him to find her, rather than having her greet him at the door. Chakotay stepped inside cautiously - the last time he had been in her quarters was another dinner, before they had attempted to use the slipstream drive. That was supposed to have been a "working dinner," but he wasn't sure they had done enough work for it to qualify.
"Hello, Chakotay," she said, seemingly at ease. She was terrified, and hoped she didn't come across as overly friendly or overly formal.
"Uh, hello, Kathryn."
"Have as seat. I'll be right there with dinner."
He tried to lighten the mood and break the tension. "Any home cooking?"
A quirky smile lit up her face briefly as she answered, "Sorry, no risks tonight." But the smile left her face as she realized that tonight would be a night with a lot of risks - most by her, she assumed.
Dinner went as smoothly as could be expected; there were only a few awkward silences as one or the other brought up an untouchable subject. After dinner, they retired to the couch, PADDs in hand.
"Let's start with . . . hmmm, how about Engineering?" asked Kathryn.
"Fine with me. Top or bottom?"
"B'Elanna."
"Top, then. Here you go," he said, handing her the PADD that contained the only Engineering report that hadn't been penned by the Chief Engineer. It wouldn't do to have her evaluating herself. It was a combination of the opinions of the lower-ranking members of her team put together by Lieutenant Carey.
"This is interesting, Chakotay," said Janeway. "Scroll to the fourth page, third paragraph."
He did as she asked, surprise lighting up his features as he read the highlighted paragraph. "Well, now we know how our favorite half-Klingon Lieutenant spends her on-duty time."
"Yes, when she's not fixing things or cursing, she talks to Tom over the comm. Fascinating."
"What do you want to do about it?"
Kathryn puzzled over this. It wasn't something that SHE hadn't imagined doing - with Chakotay, of course - so she wasn't sure that it could be reprimanded. "Is it interfering with her duties or his?"
"Not that I'm aware of." His voice was curious, but he answered her question. Apparently, he was talking to the Captain, and he had to defer to the Captain.
"Well, then I'll let it slide. They'll both get a lecture, but neither needs to be reprimanded."
"Kathryn?"
"Chakotay, we need to talk." It was a simple five word sentence that conveyed everything that she'd been thinking about during their entire conversation about B'Elanna Torres.
"Yes, we do."
"Can I get you something to drink?" she asked, stalling.
"No. Kathryn, what is going on?" he implored, his eyes searching her face. She met his stare, but was the first to look away. That man had no idea what he did to her!
"Chakotay, earlier today, I was talking to B'Elanna. She told me your side of the story. Or as much of it as she could. She finished with an interesting thought. She told me that I should just tell you the truth, as much as it hurts."
"B'Elanna Torres told you that."
"As surprising as it is, she did. And I am going to try to follow her advice." Kathryn picked herself up off the couch and paced around the small room. Chakotay followed her with his gaze.
Kathryn paced a minute before turning to look at the stars. Had Chakotay not known better, he would have thought that this was a repeat of their conversation while the ship was in the Void. Kathryn faced the window and started to talk, her command persona entirely gone.
"Chakotay, please just listen to me for a minute or two. I know that what I have done . . . what I did was wrong. But only because I have this pressing feeling that I've not HURT you, but because I've BETRAYED you. There is no real reason that I should feel that way - you're my first officer and my best friend." She finally turned to look at him, emotions written all over her face.
"But I thought about it - B'Elanna made me think about it. Tell the truth. What is the truth, anyway? That I don't want to arrive in the Alpha Quadrant and have no resolution with you? I thought about it, and figured out the truth."
"And what is that?" he interrupted a little coldly.
"I was getting to that, Commander." She glared at him, but it wasn't the glare she gave people that she was about to kill. It was the glare that hid amusement, the one she saved for staff meetings at which Tom Paris made a bad crack that she wanted to laugh at but couldn't. Chakotay smiled in response.
"After B'Elanna left my ready room, off to fix my ship, I sat and thought. And this is what I came up with. Five years ago, I didn't know your name, but today I can't imagine a day without you. Life on Voyager without you would be unbearable. Who would I share my daily gripes with, who would sit through my awful home cooking?" She laughed lightly. "Chakotay, you let the person behind the mask out just enough so she knows she's still there. Who else can do that for me?" He shook his head and she narrowed her eyes.
"But as I continued to think, far beyond the end of my duty shift, I figured something else out. Life on Voyager would be unbearable without you, but so would life anywhere else. There hasn't been but twenty days out of the last five years that hasn't started and ended with your voice, and that's something I would miss. That recent thing with the Ambassador to Etrantak - suffice it to say that now I understand what was going on between you and Riley Frasier." Chakotay noted the dry humor in her voice, but also noted the topic. She knew? "It was nothing more, and I swear on the grave of my father, than pure physical attraction. My life on board this ship has been fun and full of adventure, but decidedly devoid of passion."
She glanced around the room, suddenly able to look at anything but him. ‘Say it, Kathryn,' he implored silently. ‘Please say it.'
"And I finally realized that was my fault." He breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I realize that it is MY fault that my life has been so mundane." Chakotay almost laughed at her choice of words. Mundane? He couldn't think of her life as mundane. In fact, not a week went by that something interesting didn't happen. But he kept his mouth shut, wisely letting her finish.
"So, this is the only question to you, my Angry Warrior. Can you forgive me?" Her voice cracked with the emotion that she was trying to convey.
"What for?"
"For leaving you waiting for five years, for not being entirely truthful." She looked at him, hoping that he wouldn't ask what she hadn't been truthful about.
"What haven't you been truthful about, Kathryn?" he said, keeping his tone of voice measured. Chakotay was all at once surprised at the turn of events, amazed at what he thought she was saying, and wary of the whole thing.
"Uh." For the first time in her life, Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was at a loss for words. "Um. I, uh, well, it's like this." She took another deep breath - they seemed to be the only thing keeping her from running away. "I, uh, have always told you that my parameters and my duty kept me from pursuing a relationship with you. That's not entirely true." She paused for effect, it seemed to him. He tried to keep his curiosity under control, but it was evident to Kathryn. She smiled down at him.
"You, see, Chakotay, no matter how your look or your touch make me feel, no matter how much I love you, I'm a bit scared of relationships." She rushed the words out, just trying to get the sentence finished.
Kathryn missed Chakotay's shocked reaction, one that would have made the Doctor's holoshow a treat not a terror. His face contorted into many different shapes, eyes closing and opening, the tatoo on his forehead bending out of shape. Kathryn had her back turned, when Chakotay stood and placed his hand on her shoulder.
"You were talking about having a resolution for when we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant, Kathryn?"
"Yes."
"Well, how about a resolution for now?" He stepped around in front of her and placed his hands on her shoulders, pulling her to face him. "My idea is this, Kathryn. We take this slowly, no long-term commitments, just enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other. Maybe we can work on your cooking skills. What do you say to that?"
Kathryn reached up and traced his tatoo with her finger, her eyes never leaving his. After working her way around the pattern, she let her fingers wander down his face until she held his chin in her hands. Guiding her mouth to his, she kissed him softly.
Their first kiss was everything that he had imagined. Soft and slow, he held Kathryn in his arms as time slowed down. It was a moment to be remembered for as long as either was alive. Especially when Doc interrupted.
"Doctor to Janeway."
They broke apart a little reluctantly, Kathryn hitting her Combadge and saying, "Janeway here."
"Captain, you are the only crew member who hasn't had their annual physical." Physicals, Crew Evaluations . . . they seemed to go together.
"Doctor, I'm in the middle of crew evaluations, can it wait until tomorrow?" She rubbed her hands through her hair. Chakotay raised an eyebrow, Tuvok style.
The EMH's insatiable curiosity got the better of him. "Who are you evaluating right now, Captain?"
"Commander Chakotay," she answered without hesitation, trying to keep any undertones out of her voice. She didn't manage, causing the doctor to keep talking. The rumor mill would be in full swing tomorrow.
"And did he pass his evaluation, Captain?"
"Yes," she answered softly. "Yes, he did." Looking up into Chakotay's eyes, she ended the transmission.
They looked at each other, and the commanding officers burst into laughter, but sobered quickly.
"Do you think he figured out what he interrupted?" she asked softly.
"Well, your answer was perfectly true," he responded, a smile tugging at his eyes.
"Yes, I suppose it was," Kathryn responded. "Can we go back to evaluations now, Commander?" she asked, a glint in her eyes.
"By all means, Captain." He kissed her again, a little harder, a little more passionate. When they broke to breathe, Chakotay said, "I love you too, Kathryn."

The doctor turned off the bio-monitor that he had had trained on the Captain since the Ambassador had left. Smiling a secret smile, he put the equipment away, knowing that there were some things he didn't need to see.
All was well on the Starship Voyager, so far from home, but not. After all, home was wherever the rest were - together.

END!!!!