DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns it all.
Justification: Well, I'm listening to happy music - I must write something depressing.
Rating: PG-13

Dead. I don't think I can say it. Dead. Dead. That word is much to harsh. It makes death sound as if it's bad. That the death of a loved one is an irrevocably cruel and crushing occurrence.
But, even after this, the word is bitter in my mouth.
Say it. Just get up and say it. They need to know.
My crew.
Not really. They are her crew. They will always be her crew. She brought them here to the Delta Quadrant, she should be the one bringing them home.
Not me.
It's not my job. I have been their First Officer for as long as we've been here. I liked that position. Captain?
No, that was Kathryn Janeway's job through and through.
No one could take that from her.
No one wanted to.
And now I must tell this crew that their true captain is dead.

It shouldn't have happened. Shore leave. Attack. Beaming back to the ship the transporter was broken.
B'Elanna knows. She is in my office crying. She thinks it's her fault.
It's not her fault. No one is at fault.
But the next hostile alien I see, I will kill. No questions asked. Do it the Maquis way.

Her chair is empty. I can't sit there. I don't know if I will ever be able to sit there. I don't want to.
I sit in my seat, the one I have occupied for six years. We're almost there. Home. Earth, really.
Home is where she is. She knew it. This crew, this band of criminals and their captors, they won't want to go on without her.
But no one knows yet. Just B'Elanna and I.
I don't want to know what Harry will do. He has too much maturity to go screaming from the bridge, but I won't put it past him to collapse. Tom, Tom Paris, pilot supreme, medic - Tom will be the one to run screaming.
And Tuvok. Her dear friend. Her mentor. Her rock and redeemer. He will do nothing, for he shows no emotion. Seven of Nine will say that it was meant to be. And Neelix will destroy the mess hall, and I won't care.
I will. I will care. I will sit in this chair unmoving and deliver the bad news. And then I will order Tom to set a course for home.
I will because I must.
I will because it is what she would have wanted.
Kathryn Janeway - my captain, my friend, my enemy, and my captor. No, the crew might think that we were more - we were. But not in that sense. Kathryn never shared my bed. She shared my thoughts, my feelings.
But never that final step. No, protocol is too dear.
Always will be. For as long as I remain Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager, protocol will be paramount.
Because that is Kathryn's ideal. Get the crew home, uphold protocol. Don't cry on duty.

"Open a shipwide channel," I instruct Harry. I don't know if I won't cry when I say this.
"This is Commander Chakotay," I say. How to do this? What should I say? I can't do this!
"I regret having to inform the crew of the Starship Voyager that their captain, Kathryn Janeway was lost today in the line of duty." My voice cracks. There is no motion on the bridge. Why did I do this from here? "She served honorably, died honorably, and was honored to serve with you. She expressed to me several times that she could not be happier with a different group of fine officers."
And now, what I don't want to say. Harry is at his station, holding onto it for dear life. B'Elanna has come out of my office, and is holding Tom because her life really does depend on it. Tuvok has sit down. Emotion. "And now, in the position of Captain, I must say that I renew Kathryn's promise to you. I will get this crew home. Come hell or high water, we will all see Earth again. I promise.
"Chakotay out."
And then I do what I know is wrong. What Kathryn would have done had I died.
I cry.
And I have no one to hold. I do not have human comfort.
I will get this crew home.
I owe her that much.
"Mister Paris," I say, my voice cracking with emotion as I make the order that should be given by someone else. "Set a course for the Alpha Quadrant." I can do this.
I must do this.
"Maximum warp."
For once he waits for the order. I pull myself out of my chair and face the viewscreen full of stars at all stop.
Time to go. Time to continue. Time to remember the fun we've had.
Time to go.
We'll leave her behind.

Or will we?

I watch the bridge crew. Harry, Harry the green ensign straight out of the Academy - he's holding his own. B'Elanna is holding Tom, and he is holding her. They are at peace with themselves. They understand responsibility.
Tuvok trembles.
And I remember the good times.

Oh, Kathryn Janeway is here, all right. Not in body, but in spirit.

Always in spirit.

"Engage."

*END*

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