Chris quietly opened the door and stepped into Nathan's clinic, he closed the door silently behind him with his left hand as his right was carrying a tray of food for Ezra. He walked towards the bed and saw that Ezra had fallen asleep again. He lay on his right side with the blanket tucked under his pale face. Chris could see the ugly wound on the back of his head and knew that Horrow would have to have hit his head hard against the wall to get such as result. Ezra's sleep seemed peaceful which was a contrast to the first few days he had spent in Nathan's room. Chris put the tray aside and stepped up to Nathan.

"He been asleep long?" Chris asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"About ten minutes." Nathan informed Chris. He finished what he was doing and went back to the bed, he placed his hand on Ezra's forehead making sure that his fever hadn't returned. He did this on a regular basis as there was still a chance that an infection could set in. Ezra moved away from the touch and Nathan quickly removed his hand before he woke Ezra up. He turned back to Chris and saw the smile on his face. "And what are you so happy about?"

"I just sent a telegram." Chris continued to smile as he watched the confused expression come over Nathan's face. He wasn't going to tell anyone what he had done but when he saw Ezra move away from the healer's touch he couldn't stop the smile of satisfaction of what he had done as it broke his expression of concern for Ezra as Nathan checked him for a fever. Nathan was confused by what Chris had said but he didn't say anything, instead he waited for him to continue.

"To Maude." Chris enlightened him.

"You sent a telegram to Maude?" Nathan quickly looked down at Ezra as he realised he had raised his voice. When Ezra didn't stir at the noise he continued. "I thought you were joking when you said that you were going to do that."

"I was very serious. If Ezra is not going to listen to us when we try to convince him about how we feel then Maude can do it. Besides I have a few things that I would like to say to her." Chris smiled coldly at the thought of what Ezra always seemed to go through emotionally because of the way his mother brought him up.

Nathan was actually worried for Maude but he didn't think that Chris would actually harm her. "And to think that eight months ago we wouldn't have cared about this." Nathan chuckled.

Chris frowned and he watched Ezra's sleeping form. He knew that Nathan was right, it had taken awhile for Ezra to prove himself to them and longer before they actually trusted him. And now they all cared a great deal for him as they did each other. But they had learnt things about him, things that Ezra did not want them to know. He had had trouble dealing with and accepting the idea of friendship. He had refused it and pushed it away with the use of anger. But eventually that wall had been destroyed and he accepted the friendship, even from Chris. But now there was another wall, one built by Ezra's mother. He was not able to accept concern for what it was. All through his childhood he had been told that it was pity as no one cared enough for him to show concern. He had grown up with this thought in his head and it was going to take a lot to convince him otherwise. And if he had to use Ezra's mother to break down the wall then he would.

Ezra had done his best over the last two months to push them away. He continued to accept their friendship but not their concern. It had come to the point when he had even hidden a potentially serious wound from them. His stubborness and his mother's influence had nearly killed him.

"Do you think that she'll come?" Nathan asked him.

"I don't know. I told her that Ezra needed her urgently but then again you know Maude." Chris grimaced at the thought. "I don't want Ezra to know that I asked her to come just in case she doesn't show up. That won't help him at all." Chris went and sat in the chair that faced Ezra. "Why don't you go and get some rest Nathan, I'll stay with him for a while."

"You haven't exactly had a lot of rest yourself Chris." Nathan told him.

"Ask one of the other's to relieve me in a couple of hours." Chris looked up at him. "Go on before I change my mind."

"Your only doing this because he only just fell asleep. He'll wake up when someone else is here." Nathan smiled at him.

"You got that right." Chris laughed. He knew what Ezra could be like. He had been to tired lately to argue with his friends but that would soon change and no one wanted to be the one sitting with Ezra when he did allow his denial and anger to take control. Nathan took one last look at Ezra and then left to get some much needed rest.

Chris sat quietly and watched Ezra's colourless face as he slept. He couldn't understand why Ezra always suffered so much and yet he always managed to come through it even if it took him a while to do so. He held his breath as Ezra moved himself deeper into the pillow. 'Don't you dare wake up while I'm here.' Chris thought to himself. When Ezra did not move again he began to relax but then he heard Ezra's quick intake of breath as he jerked awake.

"Buck." Ezra muttered as he woke.

"Buck's not here Ezra." Chris leaned forward. "Go back to sleep."

Ezra ignored him and rolled onto his back, he grimaced as the wound on the back of his head pressed against the pillow beneath him. "Is Buck okay?"

"Buck is fine Ezra, you can see him later when he comes to sit with you." Chris assured him.

Ezra seemed to accept this as he rolled back onto his side and took on the steady breathing that was associated with sleep. Chris leaned back in his chair. Ezra had told them before that he had thought that Buck was killed in the alley when Horrow had grabbed him a second time. They could see the emotion that was in his eyes when he spoke of it and they knew that he had been devastated at the thought of Buck's death. They had to reassure him on more than one occassion that Buck was okay.

Chris sat still for another hour before he heard Ezra moan and looked up to see him roll onto his back again. He stood up and leant over him. "Take it easy Ezra." He looked into the green eyes as they opened and focused on him and then looked around at his surroundings.

"Why am I still here?" Ezra grimaced. "I can sleep just as easily in my bed than I can here." He looked back at Chris and allowed the sarcasm to show in his voice. "And not have any distractions." He stared at Chris so he would know that he was talking about people sitting with him all the time.

"Why don't we see what Nathan has to say when he comes back." Chris didn't want to make Ezra any more angry than he already appeared to be.

"Why do we have to ask Mr Jackson?" Ezra wanted to know.

"I'll let Nathan answer that one as well." Chris told him and then quickly changed the subject. "Want something to eat?" Ezra shook his head no. "What about some water?" Ezra seemed to think about it for a moment and then shook his head no again. "If you keep that up Ezra, Nathan will never let you out of here." Chris smiled as Ezra threw him a foul look. 'Here we go again.' Chris thought.

Chris had stopped trying to convince Ezra to eat something, he was going to regret it when Nathan came back. This threat though did not change Ezra's mind. They both stayed silent, Chris watched Ezra who occassionaly glared back at him but did not say anything to him. Ezra believed that his expression had spoken for him. Chris couldn't help but smile at the mind game that was happening between them.

They both looked up to see Buck walk into the room. Chris kept his gaze steady but Ezra quickly lowered his eyes. Buck smiled a greeting at Chris and then looked at Ezra. "How ya feelin' Ezra?"

"Fine." Ezra muttered, he still didn't return Buck's gaze.

Buck frowned at Chris who shrugged. He didn't really know what was going on with Ezra when it came to Buck. Chris had thought that Ezra would have been happy to see him as he seemed to ask about him when he woke up and now that he was here when he was awake he was not happy to see him. Everytime they thought that they had begun to understand the gambler he did something that just put them all back to the beginning and they had to start all over again.

"I came to sit with Ezra for a while so you can get your rest Chris." Buck told him. He walked closer to the bed watching Ezra who had continued to look away from him.

"I don't need anybody to sit with me." Ezra growled. He didn't want to look at Buck as he felt too guilty to look him in the eye. He had tricked him into letting him out of Nathan's room and Buck was nearly killed because of it. Ezra had actually thought that he had been killed. It had been the one of the worse feelings he had ever felt in his life. Not THE worse but very close to it and it was something that he did not want to go through again as he didn't want to relive those other memories but his friends kept trying to get him to relive them. This made him angry but instead of telling them why it bothered him he lashed out at them using his anger to try and hurt them. But no matter how hard he tried to push them away they kept coming back at him. Maybe one day he will just tell them but not yet, he still wasn't ready for that.

"Well if we don't Ezra you are just going to walk out of here and go back to your own room. Isn't that right Chris?" Buck saw Ezra wince at the comment but did not understand why.

Chris nodded his agreement and then stood up so Buck could sit down. "Ezra I'll go and talk to Nathan for you." Chris told him hoping that it would calm his mood down so he would go easy on Buck.

"You do that Mr Larabee and please tell him that if he doesn't agree then I will just get up and leave." Ezra stated harshly.

"Don't you even think of doing that Ezra." Buck growled at him.

Instead of answering him Ezra rolled over onto his left side and clenched his teeth against the pain he felt in his side. He would have turned onto his uninjured side but that would mean that he had to look at Buck and at the moment he preferred the pain to the accusation that he thought Buck's stare would hold. He suddenly felt someone's hand on his shoulder as they tried to pull him back over.

"Ezra roll back over, your gonna hurt yourself if you stay on that side." Buck warned him.

Ezra shrugged him off. "Leave me alone Buck." Ezra growled at him.

"Ezra what the hell are you doing?" Buck demanded.

"Maybe I should stay." Chris commented but Buck waved him out of the room and he left hoping that the argument that was sure to start did not end in a physical confrontation, as Ezra would only get himself hurt. Not that Buck would hurt him but Ezra could easily hurt himself.

"Are you going to answer me Ezra." Buck demanded as he made his way around to the other side of the bed.

"No." Ezra whispered through the pain.

Buck sighed and bent down so he was facing Ezra. He could see that he was in pain but to stubborn to do anything about it. "Ezra look at me." He waited and watched as Ezra kept his eyes closed. "Ezra!" He was finally able to see into the green eyes and the emotion that they held. "Tell me what's wrong."

"If I do will you go away and leave me alone." Ezra wanted some space and he wasn't going to get any while everyone continued to watch him.

"Only if you stay put." Buck smiled back at him but Ezra did not return it as he had closed his eyes again. "Alright, I'll leave you alone." But he didn't tell him that he would stay outside the room.

"I thought I got you killed." Ezra said quietly.

Buck had to strain his ears but he heard what Ezra had said and he realised what he was talking about. "It wasn't your fault Ezra. It was mine for letting you out." Buck had blamed himself for what happened but he had no idea that Ezra also blamed himself.

"How could it be your fault. I conned you into letting my out and it nearly got you killed." Ezra opened his eyes and looked at Buck, the suprise evident on his face that Buck had taken the blame on himself.

"So then, I blame me because I let you out and you blame you because you tricked me into letting you out. Have I got it right?" Buck couldn't help but smile as the weight was lifted from his shoulders. His smile grew bigger as Ezra nodded and returned the smile. "Now will you please turn back over." He helped Ezra onto his back and then went and sat back down in the chair. "So I guess our blame cancels each others out."

Ezra nodded even though he was going to continue to blame himself just like Buck would still take the blame for what happened. "So are you going to leave now?"

The smile dropped from Buck's face. "I thought that . . ."

"Then you thought wrong Buck." Ezra interrupted him and smiled. "Now would you please fulfill your part of the bargin and leave me alone." Ezra rolled onto his left side and closed his eyes as the pressure of lying the back of his head on the pillow was causing him a headache. Buck mistook it as a dismissal.

"Fine then." Buck said angrily. "If that's want you want then you can be alone." He got up out of the chair and headed towards the door but stopped and turned back to Ezra. "Just remember though that it was your choice to be alone as always. Your the one that keeps pushing us away, keeps asking to be left alone." He regretted what he had just said but before he could apologise Ezra retaliated.

"People like you make it very easy for a person to want to be alone, now get the hell out of here." Ezra struggled to sit up as he shouted at Buck.

"Ezra I'm sorry." Buck apologised. He made to move forward to help Ezra who had fallen back onto the bed.

"Get out!" Ezra was angry. What Buck had said hit a nerve and it had brought back the pain of an old memory, one that he never wanted to remember again.

Buck knew that he wouldn't be able to calm him down so he left the room and sat down on the bench outside and waited. He would give him some time and then go back in to talk to him. He was angry at himself for loosing his temper at Ezra and knew immeadiately that what he had said had it a raw nerve with him. He just hoped that he would accept his apology when he gave it again.

Ezra laid still with his knees drawn up to his chest and his eyes squeezed tight against the onslaught of the memory. He tried to fight but it was to no avail as it had managed to find a way through his wall. He could see his Uncle Jack standing over him, threatening to beat him again but the young Standish had stood up to him. He demanded that his Uncle left him alone. Uncle Jack had told him that if that was what he wanted then so be it. He then forced Ezra into the confined space of the small cellar and left him there for a month. Ezra had thought that he would let him out after the first few days but he hadn't. After a week Ezra had started to yell at them to let him out but his Uncle just kept repeating his words that he wanted to be left alone. By the end of the second week he was afraid that he would never be allowed out and he had cowered in the corner and cried until the tears had dried up. They had fed him occassionally but by the time they had finally let him out he was a near skeleton. He then recieved the beating that had nearly killed him.

Ezra fought the tears that threatened to fall and replaced them with anger and hatred. It was the only way he was able to get through these memories. He opened his eyes when the tears dried up and looked around the room for some clothes. He wasn't going to stay here any longer. He saw some of his own fresh clothes lying on top of the small chest of drawers that sat against the far wall. They must have been there for when Nathan finally allowed him to leave.

Ezra took a deep breath and then sat up. He felt slightly dizzy but that quickly passed. The pain of his stab wounds did not bother him so much anymore but the broken ribs still caused him trouble. He pulled the blanket aside and swung his legs off the bed. Making sure that he had hold of the bed railing just in case Ezra stood up and gingerly made his way to his clothes. He took his time dressing as he did not care if someone came in as they were not going to stop him from leaving. The memory had caused his anger to build to breaking point and if he had to use physical force to get himself out of there then he would. He was to angry to care what the others would think of him.

Once he did finish dressing he made his way to the door and opened it. He shut his eyes against the bright sunlight and when the pain had eased he opened them again to find Buck standing in front of him. Ezra made to step forward but Buck blocked his way. Ezra was not going to let him stop him so he tried to push him out of the way. If it wasn't for the anger he would not have had the strength to do it. Buck though pushed him back towards the door.

"Get out of my way Buck." Ezra growled at him. He made to move forward again but found Buck's taller frame standing in front of him once more.

"Nathan doesn't want you leaving yet Ezra." He kept his voice calm, he was going to control his temper this time.

"I don't care what Nathan wants, he is not going to keep me in there against my will." Ezra glared at Buck and managed to move another step towards the stairs.

"It will only be for another couple of days." Buck used a soothing voice to try and calm Ezra down but it only made him more angry. Buck couldn't understand why he was so angry. He knew that Ezra was stubborn and didn't like to stay in Nathan's room to long but he had never reacted like this before.

"Don't patronise me Buck, I am not a child."

"Then stop acting like one." He watched as Ezra faltered and his eyes took on a distant look but he shook it off and stepped towards him again.

Ezra had thought that it was his Uncle standing in front of him again but he blinked his eyes against the memory then moved forward. "Buck if you don't get out of my way." he warned him.

"What Ezra? Your in no condition to beat me in a fight." He put his hands on his hips and stood up straight trying to stare Ezra down.

"You never learn do you Buck." Ezra kicked out with his right leg but held back so he wouldn't cause to much damage to Buck's knee.

Buck cried out at the pain and the shock of what Ezra had done. He grabbed his left knee and started hoping on the other foot, Ezra then pushed him to the side and walked quickly towards the steps. Buck quickly recovered though and grabbed Ezra's arm as he got past him and pulled him around. He felt Ezra's hands push him away and he lost his grip. He watched as Ezra turned and moved forward at the same time and called his name as he realised what was about to happen.

Ezra tripped over his own foot on one of the rare moments that he was clumsy and began to fall head first down the stairs. Buck threw out his hand to grab him but he missed as Ezra hit the stairs with a loud thud and then rolled down the stairs until he fell face down into the hard dirt floor of the main street.

"EZRA!" Buck yelled as he ran down the stairs ignoring the pain that he was feeling in his knee. He reached his friend's side but did not move him. His placed his right arm on Ezra's back and his left on his head which was turned towards him.

"NATHAN!" He yelled this time. "NATHAN!" He hoped that one of the other five would hear him or one of the townsfolk would go and get them. But they were next to the saloon so he hoped that Nathan would hear him and come to find out what he wanted. "NATHAN!" He looked up as he heard the running footsteps on the boardwalk. It was the other five hired lawmen. They ran to the bottom of the stairs where they had seen Ezra lying with Buck leaning over him.

"What happened Buck? Did he collapse?" Nathan asked as he knelt down beside Ezra.

"He fell down the stairs. Tripped over his own foot. Would you believe it?"

"What do you mean he fell down the stairs?" Chris asked him. If Buck told him that Ezra was going to he bathroom again then he would make sure that he felt his fist against his jaw.

"I'll explain in a minute Chris." He looked at Nathan.

Nathan had first felt for a pulse and found a strong steady one. He then carefully checked Ezra's neck to make sure there was not any damage. Then using a healer's touch he checked each of Ezra's limbs for any broken bones but found none. With Josiah's help he then rolled Ezra over on to his back. He saw the lump that had already formed on the side of his head.

"There's no broken bones but he does have a large bump on his head which would explain why he is unconscious. I'll have to take the bandages off to make sure that the stitches are still in place and if there is any more damage to his ribs." Nathan rubbed his face with his hand and sighed. This meant that Ezra would have to spend even more time in his clinic. "Josiah could you please carry him back up to my . . ."

"No Nathan. Josiah take him to his own room please." Buck saw the angry look he recieved from Chris and the confused expressions from the others. "I'll explain when we get him there." Josiah hesitated for a moment not knowing where he should take him.

"Take him to his room Josiah." Chris agreed.

Josiah carefully lifted Ezra into his large arms and once he made sure that he was comfortable he began to walk towards the saloon. He continued to glance down at the slack features of the handsome face hoping for some indication that he was regaining consciousness but there was none. He wanted to know why Ezra fell down the stairs but he was going to have to wait like the others for an explanation. He walked into the saloon gratefull that there were not many people in there and then made his way up the stairs to Ezra's room with his friends following close behind him.

Nathan rushed up the stairs ahead of Josiah and opened the door to Ezra's bedroom, he then moved to the bed and withdraw the bedcovers. He stepped aside as Josiah laid the unconscious gambler on to the bed and then removed the cotton shirt that Ezra had put on. Nathan carefully removed the bandages and checked each knife wound to find that the stitches had held. After doing that he used his hands to place a gentle pressure on the injured ribs and when Ezra did not respond he applied more pressure and found that there was no further injury to his ribs. He then probbed the red welts that would soon turn to ugly bruises to make sure that there was no damage apart from the injury to the skin's surface. Nathan then replaced the bandages over the healing wounds.

The healer then turned to the head wound, the skin had not been broken which meant that he may have a concussion. He allowed his fingers to probe the bump, feeling for any damage to the skull but found none. He stepped back and pulled the covers up over the still form and joined the group of lawmen who were standing at the end of the bed watching the whole scene.

"The only damage is the bump to his head, he may have a concussion but I will have to wait until he wakes up to be sure and he is going to be very sore as he is going to have quite a few bruises." Nathan informed them.

"But apart from that he's okay?" Buck asked as he limped to the rocking chair that sat in the corner of Ezra's room.

They all noticed the limp that Buck was trying to hide from them. He sat down in the chair and wanted to rub his knee but held off. He knew that Chris would get angry if he told him what Ezra had done. But he was never very good at hiding things. "What happended to your leg?" Nathan asked him.

"Anything to do with Ezra falling down the stairs?" Chris asked before Buck could answer the first question that was thrown at him.

"Chris." Buck hesitated and was grateful to Chris for waiting for him to continue. "Ezra was angry."

"Tell me something I don't know." Chris said it with humour though.

"No. He was really angry, I have never seen him that angry before." Buck looked over at Ezra and watched as his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. Buck explained to them what happened. He wasn't sure though if he was able to convince them of how angry Ezra was.

"Did you say anything that may have made him angry?" Josiah asked not knowing if it may have been something that Buck had said.

Buck looked down at the floor. "I reminded him that he was the one that always asked to be alone, that he always pushed us away."

"That wasn't very smart Buck." Chris told him.

"I know but he just seems to know which buttons to push. He makes me so angry at times that I just want to hit him." Buck growled.

"Yeah I know what you mean."

"He didn't want to stay in Nathan's room. Said something about being held against his will." Buck turned his head to the bed. "He's really mad about something and I'm sure that it had something to do with what I said. Not actually what I said but I think it seemed to remind him of something."

"Leave me alone." Ezra muttered from the bed. All six men moved as one towards Ezra's bedside as they thought that he was regaining consciousness.

"Ezra?" Nathan gently called him.

"Leave me alone." Ezra said more urgently.

"Ezra?" Nathan tried again as he placed his hand on his forehead hoping to get a reaction from him.

"Don't." Ezra tossed his head violently to the side. "Let me go." He said louder as he began to struggle. The others watched not knowing what was going on. They were suddenly concerned for him as they knew he wasn't talking to them.

"Ezra can you hear me, it's Nathan." Ezra seemed to start to calm down at the sound of Nathan's voice. "Your okay now Ezra, your back in your own room." He waited until Ezra was still again and then looked up at the others. "I don't want everyone to be in here when he wakes up. Someone should stay and the rest of us wait downstairs."

"I'll stay with him." Josiah volunteered.

"Come and get me when he wakes up. I want to find out why he's so angry." Nathan told him as he ushered everyone out of the room.

Josiah nodded and watched as the door closed behind Chris who was the last one to leave the room after taking one last look at Ezra. Josiah then sat down on the bed and watched Ezra carefully. He could tell that there was something wrong with him but he wasn't going to find out what it was until he was awake and then only if he could get him to talk.

Ezra found himself in the darkened cellar again. He was huddled up in the corner praying that the two rats who shared the accommodation with him stayed on there own side of the room. He could hear them scurrying around and he had begun to despise the noise, it was a noise that would stay in his nightmares for a long time to come. He quickly stood up when he heard the cellar door open and watched as his Uncle came down the stairs, the light from the room above shown across the cellar floor and he heard the rats as they tried to find a darker corner. His Uncle was carrying a tray of food. Ezra's mouth watered and his stomach growled as he hadn't eaten for two days. He knew that the tray also meant that he was going to stay here longer. His Uncle put the tray on the bottom of the steps and then began to leave again. He hadn't even acknowledge Ezra, it was as though he was feeding the vermin in the cellar.

"Don't leave me here, please." Ezra asked him as he did his best to keep his voice steady.

"You said you wanted to be alone Ezra." Jack continued up the stairs, the smile breaking on his face as he heard his nephew cry out to him.

"Don't leave me here!" Ezra yelled at him. He heard his Uncle's laughter being cut off by the closing door. He waited a few minutes waiting hoping that the door would open again but it didn't. He kept the tears at bay and went and picked up the tray and walked back to the corner of the room. He threw a couple of the scraps of food to the rats so they would leave him alone while he ate. Once he finished he curled up into a ball and allowed the tears to fall.

Josiah listened as Ezra began to talk again. He leaned over him and tried to use his voice to calm him down as Nathan had done. "Ezra, it's Josiah."

"Don't leave me here." Ezra told someone. Josiah wished he knew who it was that Ezra was talking to. "Please don't leave me." Ezra's voice had broken and so did Josiah's heart as he listened to the emotion that was in Ezra's voice. He watched as the tears fell from behind Ezra's closed eyelids.

"Ezra." Josiah had to fight hard to control his own voice. He used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the tears away from Ezra's face. "Ezra!" He called louder and shook his shoulder trying to get him away from ever it was that was torturing his soul.

Ezra jerked at the touch and instinctively threw his arms up to ward off the blows. Josiah gently took them and pulled them back down. "Ezra it's okay. Ezra can you hear me." Josiah continued to use a soothing voice.

Ezra could hear someone calling him, he at first thought it was his Uncle but then the voice changed and he recognised Josiah's voice. He tried to pull himself from where he was the memory of the dream staying clear in his mind. It took him a few minutes but he was able to finally open his eyes. He focused on Josiah who was leaning over him.

"You alright Ezra?" Josiah asked him.

Ezra looked away from him and saw that he was in his room and not in the clinic. "What happened?"

Josiah smiled. "You fell down the stairs."

"What!" Ezra couldn't believe it. He went to wipe his tired eyes and felt the dampness that was there.

"Do you want to talk about it Ezra?" Josiah asked him knowing what he was going to say but he wasn't going to force him to talk.

"About what?" Ezra didn't want to even remember it much less talk about it.

"That's okay Ezra." Josiah could see the emotion that Ezra was not able to hide from his eyes. "You want me to stay?" He knew that he was no longer angry but he was going to tread carefully.

"No. Leave me . . ." Ezra choked on the words.

Josiah knew that he was hurting, he wanted to know why. "I'll come back later, maybe we can talk then." He patted his shoulder and Ezra flinched back from him. "Were downstairs when you need us Ezra." He got up off the bed and left the room. He leant against the door and listened to Ezra as he finally broke down. He wanted to go back in but he knew Ezra would only shut it back in and he needed to let it out. He made his way back down to the saloon and slowly walked to the table which seated the other gunmen. He sat down heavily in the seat.

"There is something seriously wrong."

"Of course there is Josiah, he fell down the stairs." JD told him. Buck hit him.

Josiah pointed to his heart. "I mean here."

"I'm going to go up." Chris announced.

"No Chris. He does need to be alone at the moment."

"Like hell. I'm not going to let him go through this alone."

"Chris, he's finally letting his emotions out." Chris gave him a confused look as did everyone else. "He's crying." Josiah sighed remembering the sounds he heard outside the door. "Ezra's going through something that seems to be tearing him apart at the moment. Let's just let him get this part out of his system then we'll talk to him."

"He's crying?" JD asked.

Josiah looked at him. "Yeah he is. It's nothing to be ashamed of but you know Ezra. If we go up there now we'll never get anything out of him." He looked around at the table, his friends faces looking down at anything but each other. "Whatever we do we have to make sure that he doesn't find out that we know."

"I sure as hell would like to know what's going on with him." Vin growled.

"If Ezra doesn't tell us I know someone who will." Chris growled. He hated the thought of Ezra being alone at the moment but Josiah was right. He would go up later. Chris also wanted to know when the gambler had begun to effect him so much. He wouldn't of cared less if he lived or died before but now it actually hurt him to watch Ezra go through this. He was going to make sure that he was there for his friend to make up for the times when he wasn't.

"You hope." Nathan commented as he knew who Chris was talking about.

Ezra wiped the tears from his eyes, the fear was beginning to subside and was now being replaced by anger. He tried to push the memory to the back of his mind and put a wall up around it but he couldn't. It kept coming back at him with more force each time so he stopped trying. He was also disgusted with himself for crying. He had been taught not to show his emotions and Josiah had almost seen him break down but he had left just in time. Maybe he knew that we was holding it back.

"My mother would be very dissapointed with me." He said out loud and heard the tremor in his voice. Ezra was grateful that she wasn't here. That would be one thing that would really send him over the edge. He could not deal with her at the moment. He was feeling tired but the last thing he wanted was to sleep. He held it a bay for as long as he could but it eventually won and while he slept he relived his realistic nightmare all over again.

"Mr Larabee." A man called into the the saloon.

"What!" Chris said a little to harsly.

"I'm sorry but I've got a telegram for you." He walked in and handed Chris the telegram and then quickly left. Chris read the telegram to himself first while the others waited patiently.

"Well?" Nathan asked as he thought that he knew who it would be from.

"Maude will be here in a week."

Chris explained to the others that he had sent Maude a telegram telling her that Ezra needed her. He knew that it was the only chance he had of getting her to come. If he had simply asked her she would have refused. He told them not to let Ezra know and he stared at JD when he said this. When the questions stopped he sat back and waited. He waited an hour and that was long enough. He pushed his chair back and followed by Nathan and Josiah he made his way to Ezra's room.

Chris knocked on the door and without waiting for an answer he opened it and looked in. Ezra was dreaming. He walked into the room and made his way to the bed where Nathan and Josiah joined him. Ezra was tossing and turning in his sleep, his face and hair soaked with sweat. He was crying out to someone, asking them not to leave him. Chris wondered for a moment if he was talking to his mother but then he thought that even Maude would not have caused him to get into such a state during the times that she did leave him.

Josiah was also watching him and he could also see the moisture on Ezra's face and wondered if some of it was caused by tears. Both Chris and Josiah were brought out of their stupor when they heard Nathan's voice. "I'm gonna wake him up."

"Be careful." Josiah warned him.

Nathan thought that Josiah was trying to break the tension with the usual joke of waking Ezra up but when he looked at him he saw that he was being serious. He sat down on the bed and placed both hands on Ezra's shoulders. He could feel him tense up immeadiately at the touch. "Ezra!" He shook him gently at first as he didn't want to bring him out of the dream to quickly. "Ezra, it's Nathan." He shook him again and heard Ezra moan. "Come on Ezra, wake up!"

Ezra's eyes flew open and they could all see the fear that was in them. He tried to sit up as he pushed the arms away from him. "Ezra relax, it was just a dream, your awake now." Nathan reassured him. Ezra heard what Nathan had said but it was as they say - easier said than done. He couldn't get rid of the fear and he felt his body start to shake and he heard Nathan's voice again. "Take it easy, try and take some deep breaths." He tried that and started to feel himself calm down. He then felt the hands that were on him and he shook them off. He couldn't focus on anything so he blinked his eyes and he finally focused on Nathan. It was his hands that were holding him down. Ezra felt the anger rise to replace the fear as it always did and he knew that he was going to lash out. He didn't want to but he found it hard to stop a life long tradition.

"Get off me Nathan!" Ezra pushed hard enough to nearly cause Nathan to fall of the bed. He rolled over onto his side wrapping his arms around his still trembling body and looked into Chris Larabee's eyes. Ezra didn't say a word but he did try and glare at him but knew that he was not succeeding as the fear hadn't completely left him and the anger was still rising.

"You okay Ezra? You seemed to be having a nasty dream there." Chris asked, the concern hung heavily in the air that surrounded them.

"I've been better." Ezra admitted.

"When?" Chris smiled. With everything that Ezra seemed to go through it was hard remembering a time when he was healthy for a long period.

Ezra though ignored the attempt at humour. "Why don't you just say it and then leave." Ezra told him.

"Say what?" Chris asked him. He wasn't not going to push Ezra. Chris could see the fear in his eyes being replaced by anger and he knew that he would not get anywhere with him. So he just kept the conversation casual, maybe a miracle will occur and Ezra will just tell them what was wrong.

"Whatever it is you come here for." Ezra growled at him.

"We came to see how you were doing and to sit with you for a while." Chris watched as Ezra looked around to see who the we entailed. He saw the look of shame that quickly crossed his features as he saw Josiah but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"You don't have to sit with me." Ezra turned back to Chris. He didn't want to look at Josiah.

"No we don't have to, we want to." Chris smiled and walked over to the rocking chair, he had turned his back on Ezra and he could feel the glare at his back. He sat down and continued to smile at him.

Ezra looked up as another figure crossed his vision. He groaned when he saw Nathan as he knew he was going to check him over. His nightmare began to flash in his mind, he could feel his Aunt's probbing fingers as she took care of his injuries after his Uncle beat him. He could feel the pain that she caused when she squeezed harder than she needed to, when she pulled to hard as she stitched his still bleeding wounds. She had enjoyed causing as much pain fixing him up than his Uncle did when he inflicted the injuries.

Chris saw Ezra flinch as Nathan moved towards him, he saw how he tried to press himself further into the bed as though he was trying to get away from him. It was as though Ezra thought that Nathan was going to harm him in some way. Nathan had also noticed so he put his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

"Ezra I'm just going to ask you a few questions is all." He didn't move any closer. "You hit your head when you fell so I just want to check if you have a concussion or not." Ezra's body language did not change. "Have you got a headache?"

"Yes."

"Is your vision blurry, are you feeling sick?"

"No." Ezra had to take a minute to think about that. His emotions were to strong for him to feel much of anything else. He couldn't miss the headache though.

"That's good." Nathan nodded in encouragement. "Feeling hungry, I am going to arrange some food for you."

"No." Was the short reply.

"Ezra if you don't eat your going to end up getting sick and then you will have to stay in bed longer."

"You can't make me stay here." Ezra's voice was full of anger but they could sense the fear that was also there.

"We won't make you stay Ezra." Chris told him. "If you don't get your strength back you will be to weak to get out of bed, so if anyone is going to make you stay it will be you because you wouldn't eat anything." Chris smiled at Nathan. "Go and get him some food, I'm sure that he will eat it."

"You think your smart don't you Larabee." Ezra accused him.

"No Ezra, I'm just trying to help you."

"Well I don't want your help!" Ezra's voice became louder as he grew more angry. "And I don't need your help!" He was practically yelling now. "All I want from you is to get out of my room and leave me . . " Ezra stopped there as the memory suddenly flooded back into his mind and soul. He took a quick intake of breath and tried to stop the fear that was hurtling towards him. Chris and the others moved to the bed quickly.

"Ezra what's wrong?" Nathan asked him.

"Don't leave me here." Ezra whispered. He could feel the fear taking control of him and he couldn't stop it. He wanted to escape it so he ran to his own corner deep in his mind and curled up into a fetal position. He could feel the darkness closing in and he welcomed it.

They all heard what Ezra had said, they then watched in fear as he lay down and curled himself up. He had drawn his knees up to his chest, his eyelids then fluttered closed. Nathan shook him trying to get some sort of response but he did not receive any.

"He's unconscious." He looked at the others and saw their questioning looks. "I don't know so don't ask me." He bent back down and made Ezra comfortable. Nathan had no idea what just happened. Ezra seemed to have gone into a world of his own for a moment. He hoped that he did have a concussion because he knew how to treat that. But he knew that he was wrong, it was something emotional and none of them knew how to deal with Ezra's emotions or how to heal him.

Chris ran his hand through his hair in frustration as he watched Ezra's still form. He had sat on the bed so he could watch him carefully. Ezra seemed so peaceful at that moment and he hoped that he stayed like that. Chris wasn't sure what to do, he thought being here would be enough to help Ezra through this but he seemed to have some sort of demon that wanted to torture him during his waking hours. Chris did have an idea how he was feeling though as he had had his own demons. They were still with him but they no longer threatened them because they were being replaced by the feelings of friendship and family. That was what these men had become to him. He was like Ezra at one time, he wouldn't let anybody near him, he wouldn't accept their friendship or help but Buck had finally gotten through to him and now thanks to these men - even Ezra - things were becoming a lot easier for him. He was able to deal with the memories of his family without ending up passed out in a corner of a saloon. He now wanted to do for Ezra what Buck had done for him but it was a lot harder than he thought it was going to be. There was only one problem though. Buck had known what Chris's demons were but no one knew what Ezra's were.

Nathan returned to the bed with a dampened cloth and Chris watched as he gently wiped the sweat from Ezra's face and neck. Ezra didn't even respond the human contact of concern. "So what do you think Nathan?" Chris asked him hoping that he could shed some light on what just happened.

"I think that it was a memory he couldn't deal with." Nathan still wasn't sure.

"How are we going to get him to talk about it?" Josiah asked from the other side of the room.

"I have no idea Josiah." Chris sighed.

"We could always push him until he cracks." Josiah suggested.

"That won't work." Nathan looked at Josiah. "What if he does but instead of talking, he closes himself off for good. We'd never get through to him then."

"Then we will just have to stay with him and nudge him. He might say something without knowing it." Chris pushed some of the damp hair away from Ezra's face. "Maybe Maude will even be able to enlighten us."

"Maude will probably tell you about as much as Ezra would." Nathan told him.

"She is going to tell me what she knows." Chris smiled and the other men in the room shivered. "She's not going to have a choice."

The time passed slowly and Ezra still slept peacefully which they were all grateful for. They were all in a sombre mood, they didn't know what to say or what to do so they sat silently until they heard Ezra moan as he woke up from his dreamless sleep. Chris and Josiah sat down on the bed and waited for Ezra to open his eyes. This took a few minutes and when he did open them they could see the underlying fear and the anger that they held.

"Are you still here." Ezra muttered as his eyes adjusted to the oncoming darkness of night.

"I'm going to go and get him some food." Nathan informed them as he left the room.

Chris nodded to him and then looked back at Ezra. "Want something to drink Ezra?"

"If it is stronger than water then yes I do." Ezra wanted to get out of the darkness. "Could someone please light a lamp." Ezra felt the fear subside as Josiah lit the lamps in his room. He also wanted these men to leave him alone as he knew that while they were there he couldn't leave his room and it made him feel like he was being forced to stay, he felt like a prisoner all over again.

"Are you going to eat something Ezra?" Chris asked him as he watched for any signs of the anger exploding as it had done before.

Ezra nodded reluctantly, he didn't feel hungry but if it meant him getting out of his bed sooner then he will eat it. He sat quietly as the others scrutinized him under their gaze. He wanted to talk to them, tell them what was wrong, what he was feeling but something stopped him. He could hear his mother's voice in the back of his mind speak up, he knew that she was the real reason for him pushing people away from him. He shut the voice out.

"Is he asleep again?" Ezra heard Nathan ask as he came back into the room.

"No I'm not." Ezra opened his eyes and looked at the tray of food that Nathan held. His stomach turned. "If I eat it will you leave me alone." He whispered hoping that if he didn't speak to loud the memory would not hear him and come rushing back.

"Sure Ezra." Chris told him.

There was not a lot of food on the plate but Ezra still didn't manage to eat all of it. He drank the water and then pushed it all away from him back to Nathan.

"You didn't really eat much Ezra." Nathan hoped that he would have eaten all of it.

"Don't push it Mr Jackson." Ezra growled at him.

"Come on let's leave him be for a while." Chris told them. Ezra was getting angry again and they didn't want the same thing to happen. "We'll come back later Ezra."

"Please don't."

They didn't answer that last remark, they kept walking through the door and out into the hallway. Chris closed the door behind him. They made their way down the stairs to find that the others had not moved from the table that they had left them at earlier.

"How is he?" Asked Buck.

"Not good." Chris answered him.

"We gonna take turns sitting with him." Vin wanted to know.

"Later, we'll leave him alone for now." The silence that had filled the table earlier returned.

Ezra could feel the walls closing in on him, he couldn't stay in here any longer, he had to get out into the open air. He got up out of his bed and could feel a lot of pain in his chest. He looked down and saw a number of large bruises starting to cross his body. Ezra slowly got dressed, the stiffness in his muscles making it difficult. He left his room taking his blanket with him as he knew that it would be cold outside. He stepped outside of the room wondering if someone was going to be there. Nobody was, they had actually did what they said they were going to do. He went to the back stairs as he was going to leave by the back door. The others would be sitting in the saloon, he knew that they wouldn't leave the building, the lawmen would probably stay there all night.

Ezra made his way to the front of the saloon and looked into the window and watched for a few minutes as the men sat there. He turned and made his way up to Nathan's clinic. He was not going to go inside but there was a bench outside and he also knew that it was the last place that they would look for him. They wouldn't see him up there in the dark. He carefully made his way up the stairs and then made himself as comfortable as he could on the cold wooden bench. It was still dark but at least he didn't feel like he was locked in a small cellar.

"He's gone!" Vin yelled as he ran down the stairs two at a time not stopping when he reached the bottom.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Chris jumped up from his chair the anger at what Ezra had done already building. He didn't want to get angry but it was like Buck had said, the gambler just knew what to do to make him angry. Chris took a deep breath and controlled his anger.

"He's not in his room so he's gone." Vin told him as he reached the table.

"JD you check the stable to make . . . " Chris began but he looked sharply at Vin when he interrupted him.

"Chris he didn't leave town, just his room." Vin returned the stare. "He took the blanket off his bed and everything else is still there."

"Let's find him then." They all left the saloon and then split up, each going in a different direction, each hoping to find the gambler before he did something stupid.

Thirty minutes later than began to regroup back at the saloon. None of them had any luck in finding where Ezra had gone. They sat down and tried to think of where he could be.

"Where would he go?" Josiah asked the quiet group. He had wracked his own brain and could not think of anywhere so he hoped that the others had.

"Some place where he'd think we wouldn't look for him." Chris suggested. They all suddenly looked at each, asking the silent question of how could they be so stupid. They rushed out of the saloon and went straight to Nathan's clinic.

Ezra was lying down on the bench but he sat up when he heard the footsteps pounding up the stairs. He watched as they reached the top of the steps and stopped in their tracks as they saw him sitting there on the bench looking small in the blanket that was wrapped around his body. He kept silent and waited for their reaction. But it was not the reaction that he was expecting.

"Getting some fresh air Ezra?" Chris asked him as he walked over and sat down on the bench next to him.

"Something like that." Ezra stared in confusion at Chris's profile. He thought that he would be angry and yell at him as that was what he usually did. It's what everyone usually did. They always yelled at him as he never seemed to do anything right.

"Want some company?" Chris continued.

The tension seemed to hang in the air as the others held their breath as they waited for Ezra's reaction. He got up, wrapped the blanket tighter around his chilled body and walked towards the group of men who stood at the top of the stairs watching him closely.

"Where are you going Ezra?" Chris asked from behind him.

"Anywhere, as long as you gentlemen are not there." He didn't hide the rising anger as he continued to stare at the person standing in front of him.

"And where is that?" Buck asked as he stood over him.

Ezra hung his head and sighed. "I really am getting tired of all this."

"So are we Ezra." Chris agreed. He wanted Ezra to talk to them, to stop shutting them out as he always did.

"Then why don't you leave me alone!" Ezra yelled at him as he suddenly turned to face him. "If I make it that hard for you then go away. Why can't you just do what everyone else does." Ezra continued to yell, he couldn't stop himself as all the anger had come to a point where he couldn't hold it in anymore. "They always left me when I got angry with them, they allowed me to push them away. Why can't you?"

"Because there is something wrong with you Ezra." Chris could see that Ezra had begun to shake with anger. "Were your friends and we want to help and we can't do that if we leave you alone."

"The only thing wrong with me is that you won't leave me alone." Ezra didn't want to hear anymore, he turned back and roughly pushed his way through the human barricade and walked down the stairs.

He didn't know where he was going, he just wanted to get away from them but he could hear their steps as they followed him. 'What do I have to do to stop them.' He thought to himself. He stopped and turned to face the six men. Ezra could see the pity on their faces, he heard his mother's voice and he felt the darkness of the cellar close in on him. He suddenly found it hard to breath as the fear hit him. He was not able to understand why he couldn't control it or why it was all coming back to him now. He turned around and quickly walked to the steps of the saloon and sat down heavily on them. He could hear the rats in the back of his mind as they searched for food in the cellar. He placed his hands against ears hoping to stop the noises in his mind but they wouldn't go away, they kept tormenting him.

They watched closely as a distant look overcame Ezra, he walked away from them and sat on the saloon steps and put his hands against his ears as though to block out a noise. Josiah moved forward and placed his hand on Ezra's shoulder.

"Don't hit me." Ezra felt the touch and cringed away from it as he thought that it was his Uncle. That had been the first touch in a month, he was sleeping in the corner and he felt something on his shoulder and woke up to find his Uncle standing over him. He had dragged him out of the cellar and beat him to a bloody pulp leaving him on the kitchen floor. It was his Aunt who came and got him, she returned him to his bed and then arranged for the Doctor. They had told him that he was beaten by some passing ranch hands and the Doctor believed them so Ezra was left there to recieve more beatings after he healed.

"Ezra it's Josiah, I'm not going to hurt you." He sat down next to him and moved his arm around his shoulder to try and comfort him.

Ezra snapped his head up, the fear and anger evident in his eyes. He stood up just as quickly, pushing Josiah's arm off him. "Yes you are, all of you are going to hurt me. What do you think your doing now?" He looked around the group and at that moment he hated them for what they were doing to him. "Your doing this, you keep pushing me, making me feel things that I'm not ready for. I'm remembering things that I don't want to remember." The tears began to fall. "Your hurting me just as much as they ever did. Can't you understand that." He stepped away from them, he hadn't meant to say so much. Now they were never going to leave him be. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" He used his hands to wipe the tears away, the blanket falling from his shoulders. He was now angry with himself as well, he was a grown man, he shouldn't be crying like this, not in front of other people.

Josiah moved closer to him as he seemed to be the only one comfortable enough to do so. They knew he was going through something terrible but they did not realise that they were making it worse. They were trying to help but instead they hurt him more. So they thought until they listened to Josiah's words.

He put the blanket back around Ezra and turned him to face him, he held his arms with enough force to stop him moving away. "Ezra look at me." He waited but Ezra didn't raise his eyes to him. "It's not us that is doing this to you. It's you." This brought Ezra's eyes up to return his gaze. "Your hurting yourself by shutting the memory away instead of dealing with it." He could see that Ezra was becoming confused and he also felt him shiver under his grip. "Will you come inside so we can talk about it, your cold and I am sure you could use a drink." Ezra continued to stare at him but he allowed him to lead him inside. Josiah could see the others smile as they walked passed but there smiles were short lived.

The five hired lawmen followed Josiah as he led Ezra into the saloon, they moved to the table and sat down and as they did they looked at JD who threw his hands up in the air and went to the bar to get a bottle of whiskey and glasses. All eyes turned to Ezra but he was keeping his eyes down, he wasn't going to look at any of them. Josiah watched him for a moment and when he realised that Ezra was not going to say anything he carried on with what he was saying to the gambler out the front of the saloon.

"Do you want to tell us what the things are that you are remembering?" He asked him in a soothing tone. Everyone listened as they thought that Ezra was going to talk about it.

"No." Was the quick reply. Ezra was thinking about what Josiah had said but he couldn't understand how he was hurting himself. He never had this problem before he came here and met these men. He was able to take care of himself by shutting the memory away and by pushing people away from him. Once they left him alone he was alright, he was able to deal with things but not anymore. A life time of defences had been infiltrated by these men and he couldn't stop them. He tried to push them away as he did everyone else but they were still here, he tried his anger but that didn't help either. They were hurting him by making him continually relive everything instead of allowing him to shut it away.

"That is exactly what I am talking about Ezra. By not talking about it you are only hurting yourself. You would feel a lot better if you talk about it."

"And how is it going to make me feel better. You are still not going to leave me alone afterwards." Ezra told him as he kept his voice calm.

"Ezra why do you always want to be left alone?" Chris asked him.

"Because that's the way I have been all my life." He simply stated as though it was not something new to them. Ezra took the glass of whiskey that had been placed in front of him and drank it quickly, making sure that he did not return everybody's gaze.

"Well your not alone anymore Ezra, you don't have to deal with things on your own. You have friends who care about you now. We will help you deal with what's bothering you." Josiah assured him. It hurt him to know that this man had lived his life like this, he knew that Ezra had friends through his life but obviously none close enough to help him deal with his past. No one should have to go through life alone.

"But I don't want your help. I have dealt with things on my own all my life, I had to , I didn't have a choice. If you left me alone I could deal with it." He tried to sound confident but he couldn't. The memory had become to strong and he knew that it would be hard to shut it away again but he would have to do it.

"You didn't deal with them Ezra, that's why it's coming back to you now. All the other memories that you also shut out will eventually come back to haunt you as well. There is going to come a time when you won't be able to deal with the memories properly."

Ezra shuddered at the thought and hurriedly poured himself another drink. His hands began to shake and he spilt the liquid onto the table. He felt Josiah's steadying hand on his and he looked up into his eyes. "Josiah, why can't I convince myself that it is concern that you are showing and not pity." Ezra turned to Chris as he heard him mutter something under his breath.

"Something to say Chris?" Ezra asked him.

"Only that your mother has a lot to answer for." Chris growled.

Ezra's eyes clouded over as his mother's voice returned to him, he pulled his hand from Josiah's grip and leaned back into the chair, hugging the blanket to his body. Josiah spoke up before Ezra could shut himself off completely and as he did he took Ezra's chin in his hand and turned his face towards him. They all watched Josiah's gentle touch and show of concern and wondered how long it would be until Ezra pushed him away.

"Ezra if it was pity we would have left you alone a long time ago just like everybody else did. We don't go away because we care." Josiah smiled at the doubt that quickly replaced the farway look. "I am showing you concern now." He let go of Ezra's face to see if he was going to turn away from him but he didn't, he continued to look at Josiah. "Do you believe me Ezra?"

Ezra wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. Josiah's words had finally hit him. If it was pity that would have allowed him to push them away. He didn't know what to say, his mind and heart were flooded with emotions. He knew they were all watching him, he wanted to look at them to find out if it was still pity he saw or if he would finally see the concern that he had longed for all his life.

"Well?" Josiah gently prodded.

"I'm thinking." Ezra quietly replied but they could all hear the emotion in his voice. He heard someone laugh and he looked up at Chris, he should have known better than to think that they finally did care. But he did not see pity or any other sort of degrading emotion on Chris's features. He saw acceptance, trust, friendship and what he hoped was concern. He couldn't stop the tears that began to fall from his eyes so he hid his face in his the blanket. He flinched as someone put their arm around him but he did not push it away, he was to tired. Everybody sat in silence as they watched Ezra break down, they were still uncomfortable but they were not going to leave him. After a few minutes he lifted his head but still kept his gaze down.

"I've been remembering the time I spent with Jack Standish." He told them quietly. He still didn't know if he wanted to tell them everything. Even after seeing the concern on Chris's face he still found it hard to change his habits.

"The beatings?" Nathan asked as he remembered the one he had gotten when his Uncle had taken him as a hostage.

"Yes." He muttered.

"But there's more. Isn't there?" Josiah pushed him.

"No there isn't." Ezra heard his mother's voice, he was beginning to hate the sound of it. 'How many times do I have to tell you Ezra, it may look like concern, it may sound like concern but it's pity.'

Josiah watched as a strange expression overcame Ezra. "What is it Ezra?"

"Nothing. I'm going to bed." He began to stand up but felt Josiah's hand on his arm, he pulled away from him. The anger that he felt when he heard his mother's voice was still there. He was so confused at the moment, he didn't know what to do. Ezra wanted desperately to believe him but his mother's voice kept pulling him back and he knew that while she was there he would never be able to fully accept the fact that these men cared for him and were concerned about him. He walked away from the table hoping that they would not follow him and was grateful when they didn't.

They watched as Ezra made his way up the stairs to his room. "Just when I thought we had gotten somewhere." Josiah spoke to the empty chair next to him.

Ezra stepped into his room and closed the door and then leant against it, closing his eyes against the memory and the sound of his mother's voice. They were both hurtling through his mind and he couldn't stop them. His eyes opened as he pushed himself away from the door and went and sat in the chair that faced his window. He wasn't going to go to sleep, he couldn't anyway not with everything that was going through his mind. He gazed out into the night and tried to replace what he was feeling with what Josiah had said.

Josiah had nearly convinced him that they had cared but his mother's voice stopped him from accepting it completely. He wanted to believe him, he needed to. He wast tired of spending his life alone and dealing with things on his own. But his mother - he wiped his forehead roughly trying to push her from his mind but she was as stubborn in his mind as she was in person.

He was told that he needed to talk about it but didn't know how that would help, if he told them what happened then it would mean that he would have to relive the whole memory and he didn't want to do that, the thought of it scared the hell out of him. He then remembered Josiah's touch and how different it was from the other physical touch he had recieved from his Uncle. He had wanted to move away from Josiah but his gaze had held him. And instead of hitting him physically with his fist he had hit him emotionally with his words.

Ezra also remembered the look on Chris's face when he had looked at him, he saw the emotions and what he thought was concern but his mother tore that away from him quickly and the hope that these men really did care vanished. Maude's comments had convinced him otherwise again as she always did.

He had cried when that happened, he wanted to grab hold of that look of concern and never let go but when he lost his grip he cried. He had also become angry, at his mother and himself for allowing the tears to flow in front of the men. This time he rubbed his eyes in disgust, he would have to make sure that it never happened again. He had lost control in front of someone, something that he had promised himself as a child that he would never do.

"Why can't they just leave me alone." he said out loud. "I wouldn't be going through all this if they just left me alone." But another thought crossed his mind. 'It might be easier if you just accepted what they told you.' But the thought was replaced by his mother. 'If you accept it then you are accepting their pity not their concern and then you will never be left alone, they will continue to harrass you and push you.'

"Get out of my head." He growled at her as he clutched his head in his hands and rolled forward. She wouldn't leave. He couldn't fight anymore so he sat back and accepted what she told him as it was easier to accept what his mother said than what the others kept trying to tell him.

He had to do something to stop the memory and the feelings and more important to stop the voice of his mother. The first was to listen to his mother that way she would go away and leave him alone and the second was to stop his friends. If anger and pushing them way didn't work then he would have to use denial.

It took a while though before his mother's voice left him and even longer for the memory to retreat to the back of his mind. Ezra eventually fell asleep in the chair and slept a peaceful sleep. It was a few hours later when Buck walked into the room to check on him. He found Ezra asleep in the chair still wrapped in his blanket with his head leaning on his shoulder and he saw how peacefull his sleep was. He didn't want to disturb him so he left him there and sat down on Ezra's bed for a while to make sure that he was okay.

Ezra woke early the next morning due to sunlight that was shining through the window into his face. He placed his hands over his eyes but the brightness still invaded his mind. He stood up and winced at the soreness that was in his muscles, he stretched but stopped quickly as it pulled at his injured side. Ezra turned to the bed so he could lie down and continue to sleep as it was to early for him but he found Buck sleeping on his bed. He looked at him and shook his head. With the blanket still wrapped around him he made his way down to the saloon.

He looked over the railing before he walked down the stairs and he saw Chris and Vin looking up at him, they didn't look away so he did. He made it to the table without falling over, every part of him was sore.

"How are you doin' Ezra?" Vin asked.

"I'm sore all over." He answered as he accepted the cup of coffee that Chris handed to him. He noticed Chris look up towards the stairs. "He's asleep on my bed, that's why I'm down here." Ezra forced a smile.

Chris nodded. "So how do you feel apart from being sore?"

Ezra could feel the life long defence of anger building but he knew that it wouldn't work so he held it down. "I'm feeling a bit better." He lied. The memory was still there in the back of his mind and he struggled to keep it there. His mother's voice was quiet but he knew that she was waiting for him to go against her upbringing so she could then say something. He wasn't going to give her the opportunity.

Chris decided to test him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure." He told him as he kept his anger down.

"So how did you sleep?" Vin added.

"Actually I slept fine considering it was in a chair."

Chris shifted in his chair then leaned forward and took the plunge. "Josiah and the rest of us still want you to talk about it."

"Yeah I know." He was only going to tell them what they already knew and that was the beatings, he wasn't going to talk about the other thing. He pushed down harder on the memory as it threatened to come back. They all looked up as they heard the heavy footsteps on the stairs. Buck was on his way. "There goes the peace and quiet." Ezra commented to the others.

Chris and Vin relaxed as Ezra did seem to be better, the rest of the day would tell though, they would wait to see how he was going to react to Nathan checking him over and then the request for him to talk abou the memories that were haunting him.

Ezra smiled at Buck as he sat down. "So Buck, what is it like to wake up in a man's bed for a change?" Buck looked at him and pretended to be hurt, he lifted his hand to hit Ezra as he usually did when they were joking around but he saw him flinch back and the fear as it flashed through his eyes.

"Sorry Ezra." Buck suddenly felt very bad.

"That's alright Buck, it's not your fault that my Uncle beat me." He didn't look away from them, he needed to keep the act up and get through the day so they would then leave him alone.

Ezra had faltered when Buck raised his arm, he had to make sure that he didn't do it again as they were all watching him closely and they would see it and know that there was something still wrong. He glanced up as the other members of the group walked into the saloon, the expressions of surprise not hidden from their faces as they did not expect him to be up. He gave them a small smile knowing that anything more would look forced.

Nathan sat next to Ezra and looked at him carefully, he could see that Ezra was pale and the lump on the side of his head had subsided leaving a bruise that had begun to darken.

"I am sure that you want to do more than look Nathan." Ezra said to him. This was going to be the hardest test. He was not going to like the touch but he would have to keep control.

"Huh?" Nathan was stunned, he expected an argument to even get Ezra to allow him to check him over.

"Would you prefer to check my injuries in the clinic?" Ezra saw Chris frown out of the corner of his eye. "I would prefer to do this now so I can get it over and done with."

"The clinic, I want to check your stitches and change your bandages as well." Nathan told him.

Ezra reluctanly got up and leaving the blanket behind he followed Nathan out of the saloon, he didn't fail to notice that Chris was right behind him. Ezra had thought that Nathan would say no and take a few minutes but it was going to take a lot longer now they were going to Nathan's room and he was going to take his time as he had more or less given Nathan his permission to check him over. 'Oh great.' But he kept the thought to himself.

Nathan opened the door and followed Ezra and Chris into the room, he watched as Ezra sat carefully on the bed. "You want to take your shirt off Ezra." Nathan washed his hands first and while he did this he could sense Ezra's eyes on him. He turned and caught the stare just before he diverted his eyes. Nathan looked at the bruises that were starting to form on his chest.

Ezra first felt the touch on the side of his head and gasped at the pain that was there. Nathan continued to press against the growing bruise for a couple of minutes. "You had a nasty bump Ezra, but it's just a bruise now. Have you still got a headache?"

"I do now." Ezra grimaced at him.

Nathan then removed the bandages that covered the knife wounds in his side, chest and arms. He probed the wounds to find that the stitches were still fine and they were healing well, so he decided not to rebandage them. "I'll leave the stitches in for another week Ezra and then take them out." He then pressed against the injured ribs which still felt fine, he left the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs on as they still needed some support. He looked up at Ezra as he noticed that he had become silent.

It was taking all of Ezra's concentration and control not to push Nathan away or to tell him to leave him alone. Nathan was taking his time and each time he touched a wound Ezra wanted to lash out as it made him think of his Aunt as she took care of his wounds. She had called a Doctor but only after she had patched him up, as she had put it. He gripped his hands on the edge of the mattress and continued to control himself.

Nathan stepped back and examined Ezra for a moment, his face seemed blank and his eyes glassy. "Ezra?" Chris had also noticed and came to face him. "Ezra?" Nathan raised his voice.

Ezra blinked his eyes and came back. "Sorry Nathan, I was somewhere else for a moment." He knew he would have to more or less tell the truth because he wasn't going to be able to explain it otherwise.

"Where?" Asked Chris.

"Take a guess."

"Your Uncle?"

"Correct first time." Ezra wished that he was anywhere but here. He hated this. He wanted to push them away, he wanted the anger to take control and if Nathan didn't finish soon he knew that he would allow the anger to do what it had done all his life.

"Everything's fine Ezra, the wounds are healing and so are your ribs but you are going to be very sore in a couple of days when the bruises come out on your chest. The only thing I want you to do is get some rest and take things easy for a week."

"That's all?" Ezra raised his eyebrows.

"You can put your shirt back on and go back to the saloon and have something to eat." Nathan smiled. "Sorry I forgot about that part."

Ezra did as he was told as he was grateful for the chance to get away and not have to come back for a week. When they arrived back at the saloon they found that the others were already eating their breakfast. Ezra wasn't hungry but he forced himself to eat something. He only had one more hurdle and that was talking about things but he had talked himself out of a lot of things so he didn't think that it would be a problem.

They all ate their breakfast in silence, each glancing up at Ezra and then back at their food. Ezra could see them doing this and he knew they were waiting for him to talk but he wasn't going to do that, if they wanted him to talk then they would have to start it. When he had enough to eat he pushed his plate away. They all frowned at the plate that was still half full. Buck coughed behind his hand.

"Yes Buck." Ezra raised an eyebrow at him.

"Nothing." He muttered.

"What he means is were ready to listen if your ready to talk." Josiah explained Buck's attempt at getting Ezra to start talking to them.

"To all of you?" Ezra didn't want that.

"You don't have to talk to all of us. Which one of us would you be more comfortable talking to?" Josiah asked him.

'Which one would be most gulible.' Ezra thought to himself but that would only make them suspicious. He would have to pick the most obvious. "You mainly because I have already talked to you once about it." Ezra had remembered that time and he had only spoken to Josiah because he didn't have a choice and even then he had suprised himself. Everyone got up to leave.

"No, you stay. I'd rather go outside. I need some fresh air anyway."

They moved outside and sat in two of the chairs that faced the main street of the town. Ezra looked at the people who walked passed and wonder if their life was as complicated as his. He sat quietly and allowed the sun to cover him with it's warmth. He could feel Josiah watching him, waiting for him to start.

"I don't really know what to tell you Josiah. I said most of it the first time round."

"Why don't you tell me about the memory that came back to you, the one that scared you so much. The one that made you cry in your sleep." Josiah suggested. He knew that this was going to be hard for Ezra and that he may have to lead him through it. He watched as Ezra tensed up.

"You really know where to hit a guy don't you." Ezra had nearly lost everything, his poker face, his control and the memory threatened to come back. He fought it to keep control. "It was the time that he nearly beat me to death. I had pushed it from my mind and forgotten it. I only knew it happened because someone told me about it."

"Hard thing to remember."

"It was like reliving the whole thing for the first time and it did scare me." Ezra was mostly telling the truth but he wasn't going to tell Josiah everything. He continued to talk for another thirty minutes repeating things that he had already told him and other things that would not allow Josiah to catch onto the real reason for his fear. When he thought that he had said enough he sat quietly and waited for Josiah to do his part.

"Why wouldn't you talk to us about it?" Josiah asked him as he knew that he wasn't going to say anymore.

"Because I never had to before. No one has ever pushed me like you guys do." He turned to Josiah and saw the pity that was on his face, his mother had kept quiet until now. She told him that it was pity. Ezra actually wondered if he was going crazy as he had never heard his mother talk to him so much before, not even in person. "And your all very lucky that I didn't shoot any of you for it."

"Do you think that you would be able to talk about other things when they bother you?" Josiah wasn't sure how Ezra was going to answer it but he smiled when he did as he knew that Ezra was feeling better.

"Let's put it this way Josiah, you won't have to push me so far next time. Maybe just a prod here and there will get me to spill everything."

They stayed outside and began to talk about other things, Ezra was glad of the change of subject. He had gotten them off his back and they would now leave him alone. After a long period of time the others came out to see how things were going and they smiled when they heard them both laughing. The rest of the day passed easily for both Ezra and everyone else and over the next week things got back to normal and then Maude arrived.

Ezra watched as Buck paced up and down the boardwalk in front of the saloon. He was impatient for some reason and Ezra had not failed to notice that the others were also fidgiting. He watched in amusement as most of them tried to hide it. Chris and Vin were doing very well but Ezra was better at reading people than they thought. JD was hopeless and the others gave away the tell tales signs of something being amiss.

"Is there something going on that I should know about?" Ezra asked the group and smiled as JD fiegned a look of innocence.

"Just enjoying the warm weather Ezra." Chris explained to him. He realised that Ezra knew that something was up and this also meant that he would find out that they knew Maude was coming. The stagecoach was due in thirty minutes and Chris wanted Ezra out of the way when it arrived as he wanted to talk to Maude before she spoke to Ezra. He had told everyone that they needed to keep him occupied but so far they had all failed in their attempts. When he had refused to go inside and play poker they knew that they were wasting their time so they gave up.

It had been a warm morning and Ezra was enjoying the weather. He had been spending a lot of time outdoors and had been leaving a lamp on during the night as he slept. He kept the lamp low just so it was enough to stop the suffocating darkness that kept wanting Ezra to relive his memory. But his mind had been peaceful for the last couple of days and he knew that it wouldn't be much longer before the memory was locked away in the back of his mind. He could feel the light sheen of sweat on his body and it had caused his healing wounds to itch. He waited until Nathan wasn't looking and scratched the wound on his chest. He could feel the stitches pulling and he wanted them out but Nathan wouldn't take them out.

"Ezra stop scratching them." Nathan had caught him.

"I wouldn't have to if you took them out." Ezra retorted. He made sure that the anger he felt at being chided did not show in his voice.

Nathan had a thought, he looked at Chris and raised his eyebrow. "We can take them out now Ezra or tomorrow morning at nine." He saw the frown form on Ezra's face. "So shall we go up to the clinic now and take them out or do you want to get up early tomorrow?"

Ezra knew he was only trying to get him out of the way. "I'll wait."

"If you don't show up at nine tomorrow you will have to wait another day." Nathan told him.

"I'll wait." Ezra repeated. He was actually beginning to worry as whatever it was they were waiting for it was serious. They wouldn't be going through so much trouble to get rid of him otherwise.

Chris sighed silently, they were never going to get rid of him. He saw Mary approaching from Clarion, a smile on her face. He remembered that she was expecting an old friend. "So what do you think she'll look like Buck?" He hoped that he would catch on.

"Well you know what Mary said. Sarah is a vision of beauty." Buck had caught on. "You sure you don't want a game of poker Ezra."

"Are you gentlemen trying to tell me that you want to get rid of me because there is a beautiful woman arriving on the stage." Ezra wasn't sure if he believed them or not.

"With your manners and charm what luck do we have with her." Buck smiled at him but he could see the doubt on Ezra's face.

"None." Ezra allowed the forced smile to appear on his face and hoped that it looked genuine. He didn't believe that was the reason for them wanting to get rid of him.

"Good morning gentlemen." Mary greeted them as she arrived. She kept the smile on her face when she saw that Ezra was there. Mary looked at Chris who shrugged at her in return.

"Morning Mary." They each answered her.

"Mrs Travis do you have a friend arriving on the stage this morning?" Ezra asked her.

"Yes I do Mr Standish. Are you as eager to meet her as everyone else seems to be?" Mary had known what was happening.

"Vision of beauty is she?" Ezra repeated Buck's phrase and waited to see if the expression that her face held faltered but it didn't.

"Yes she is." Her smile was genuine but Ezra still didn't believe that was why they didn't want him there.

"Well then gentlemen I will leave you to it so as not to embarrass you with my charm and goodlooks." Ezra rose from his chair. "I am going to have a drink." He tipped his hat to Mary and made his way back into the saloon.

Everyone sighed in relief as they watched him disappear into the saloon. Ezra made his way to the counter and ordered a bottle of whiskey. Once he had done this he made his way back to the front of the saloon and hid himself in the shadows and waited to see what it was that were hiding from him. He watched as Buck continued to pace and he stepped back each time he passed him. None of them spoke as they continued to wait for the coach. Ezra could feel his anger at the situation rising. They were hiding something from him and he didn't like it.

All heads turned to the sound of the stage coach rumbling into town. Josiah looked behind him but did not see Ezra so he turned back and waited as everyone else did. The stage coach came to a stop and as the dust settled the driver threw the luggage to the ground, he wasn't going to carry that again. He remembered the last time that woman was on the stage. He then jumped off and opened the door.

Ezra watched as Mary ran foward when a woman stepped from the coach. 'Must be Sarah.' He thought. She was indeed a vision of beauty, he could see her pale face that was framed by her brown hair. Her smile grew as she sighted Mary and Ezra realised that this woman had an aura about her that made her beautiful in her own way. He was not able to make out the colour of her eyes from this distance but he would find out later. She stepped down from the coach into Mary's waiting arms.

Ezra was about to turn away when he saw another figure exiting the coach, he moved closer and the glass that was in his hand fell and shattered as it hit the saloon floor. He took another step closer, he couldn't believe it, his mother was here. He suddenly felt the memory forcing it's way back to his conscious, he could hear his mother's voice as it spoke to him, denying that what these men felt for him was concern and most of all he could feel the fear when it squeezed his heart as the darkness closed around him. Just the sight of his mother brought it all back to him in a violent wave of emotions. His knees buckled and he didn't feel any pain as his head hit the floor of the saloon just as the glass had done seconds before.

The hired lawmen watched as Mary's friend exited the stage and silently agreed with her description. They each took in her fair complexion which was framed by brown hair that only seemed to highlight her face even more. When she smiled at Mary her eyes sparkled with intelligence and humour. This woman was as beautiful inside as she was out. Each man would have been there immeadiately to help her with her luggage but they were there for another reason. Their mood changed instantly as Maude followed her out of the stage coach.

Maude looked on at the reunion of two friends and then saw the six men behind them. She smiled at them and kept the smile on her face when she saw the grim expressions, she didn't fail to notice that Ezra was not there. She then saw her lugguge on the dirt floor of main street.

"Be careful of my luggage, that is genuine leather you are handling." She told them in disgust.

Chris stepped forward. "Maude." He didn't hide the coldness that he felt towards her, he did not feel any kindness towards this woman for what she had done to Ezra.

"Mr Larabee." She looked over his shoulder. "Where is Ezra?"

"He's . . . "

"Mr Larabee." Someone yelled from behind the group of men. Chris turned to him. "There's something wrong with Mr Standish." The bartender yelled to him and then ran back into the saloon with the men following him.

They ran in to the saloon to find Ezra lying on the floor in an unconscious state. Chris and Nathan knelt down beside him as the others watched. Nathan quickly checked him over and found a small bump on the back of his head. He looked up at the bartender.

"What happened." Nathan demanded to know.

"I don't know, one minute he was standing there looking out the window and the next he fell down." He explained as he fidgited with his glasses. "But he did drop his glass first, that's what made me look up and I saw him fall."

"He must have seen her." Nathan told Chris.

"Are you saying he fainted?" Buck wanted to know as he looked down at Ezra's pale face.

"Only thing that I can think of." Nathan was worried about the fact that Ezra had fainted at the sight of his mother. "He hit his head on the floor as well."

"Is my son drunk?" Maude asked from inside the doorway.

Chris had been keeping his anger in control, he was going to be calm when he spoke to her, he wanted to explain in simple terms what Ezra had been going through and then he was going to wait for her reaction. If he didn't like it, then he was going to tell her a few home truths but not anymore.

"No he is not drunk!" He raised his voice at her and moved towards her quickly enough to make her flinch back from him. "Your son has been going through hell because of you and the way you brought him up!" Chris wanted to continue but he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face Josiah.

"This is not the time or place Chris." He nodded towards the unmoving form on the floor. "Ezra needs us, you can talk to Mrs Standish later." Maude frowned when Josiah did not use her first name as he always did.

Chris turned and stared at Maude. "We'll continue this later." He made to turn but stopped. "That is if you have the courage to face the results of your son's upbringing."

Chris turned to find that Josiah had already picked Ezra up and was on his way to the stairs. He gave Maude one last look and followed the others up to Ezra's room. He walked in to find Nathan and Josiah removing Ezra' jacket, guns and boots and after making him comfortable they stepped away.

"He's going to be alright isn't he Nathan?" JD asked him.

"Physically yeah." He answered him.

"And what do you mean by that?" Vin wanted to know.

"He must have fainted and it would have to have been something emotional to cause it, there's no other reason that I can think of."

"Like he did that night when he remembered that memory of his Uncle beating him." Chris suggested.

"Yeah." Nathan looked over Chris's shoulder to see Maude standing in the doorway. Everyone turned when they heard her cough to indicate that she had made an appearance.

Chris walked back to the door, smiled at Ezra's mother and then closed the door in her face. He turned and went and sat on the bed as he ignored the looks of suprise from the others. "He didn't tell us everything did he."

"No he didn't." Josiah agreed. "But he seemed to be doing okay the last week."

"He obviously conned us." Chris told them.

They found a spot to wait as they always seemed to do and hoped that when Ezra woke up he was going to feel okay, especially now that he knew his mother was in town. The knock at the door made them all jump, even Chris.

Maude was shocked when the door was closed in her face. She was angry, Chris had asked her to come and now he is shutting her out of her son's life. She waited a few minutes then knocked on the door, intending to get answers as to why she was being treated like this. It was a few minutes before someone answered her demand for entrance into her son's room. She saw that it was Josiah and she knew that he would let her in. She stepped forward only to find Josiah stepped towards her.

"Josiah would you please let me in. I would like to know what is going on." She demanded.

"Not now. The last thing Ezra needs is to see you when he wakes up." He said softly.

"I will not stand for this." She looked around him and saw Chris sitting on the bed with Ezra. "Mr Larabee asked me to come and now he has changed his mind. Is that it?"

"No, Chris will tell you what's going on. We all will. But you will have to wait." He again closed the door, stopping her from going into the room.

Maude turned on her heel and went downstairs to wait. She intended to give these men a piece of her mind. From what she saw of Ezra there was nothing really wrong with him and if all this was a false alarm then there will be hell to pay, especially from Ezra.

Mary had watched as the men ran into the saloon, she wanted to find out what had happened to Ezra but she kept control as her friend was with her and she couldn't leave her standing in the street.

"I'll wait if you want to go and see how your friend is." Sarah knew that Mary was concerned about the man called Standish, she could see it in her face. Mary turned to her and smiled.

"Why don't we take care of you first and then come back and see how Ezra is and then I can introduce you to all of the men at the same time." She took her friends arm and began to walk to the hotel.

"I am looking forward to meeting these men that you keep writing to me about." Sarah allowed Mary to lead her to the Hotel unaware that she herself will have to risk her own life to save Ezra Standish.

Ezra was in the cellar again but this time he was an adult and the cellar was his mind, he couldn't escape the emotions or the memory. His mother had brought it all back and he didn't know how to stop it. He could feel them as strongly as the blows that were inflicted on his small frail body when his Uncle beat him. The emotions hurt his soul as the punches and kicks hurt his body. He screamed out at the pain and then heard the other noises, the rats. They had also invaded his mind and he tried to push himself away from them.

The six men flinched as the scream filled the small room. Nathan moved to the bed and tried to use his voice to calm Ezra down but he only seemed to make him worse as he struggled to get away from him. He watched as Ezra started to shake uncontrollably.

"Ezra?" Nathan gently slapped Ezra's face to bring him out of it but Ezra raised his arms over his face to protect himself. He looked up as Josiah came over and gently took Ezra's arms and pulled them down.

Ezra continued to struggle against what he was feeling and then he felt the slap against his face and even though it wasn't hard he tried to protect himself anyway. He put his arms in front of his face as he had so often done when he was child. His Uncle Jack wasn't the only relative to hit him. He struggled to get of the cellar and thought that he was succeeding but then he saw the light that was breaking through, he didn't want the light, he wanted another darkness.

"Ezra?" Nathan used just his voice this time.

Ezra could hear someone calling him, he flinched back as the light that shone through his mind and the voice that added to the scurring noises told him his Uncle was coming for him. He withdrew into the corner and pulled his knees up against his chest and waited for the beating.

"We have to wake him." Nathan told Josiah in a strained voice. They couldn't stop Ezra from curling up into a ball. "He's closing himself off from everything, if we don't wake him up now we might not be able to later."

"How are you going to do that when he won't respond to you?" Chris came forward.

There was another knock at the door and Chris bounded towards it intending to use a lot of uncolourful language if it was Maude. He relaxed though as he saw Mary and her friend Sarah standing in the hallway. "Sorry Mary, I thought you were Maude."

"That's okay Chris." She turned to her friend. "Sarah this is Chris Larabee. Chris this is my old friend Sarah Doherty." She suddenly noticed the concern that lined his face. "We came to see how Ezra was."

Chris hung his head. "He's not good Mary."

"What happened?"

"Long story." Chris jumped again as another scream came from Ezra. He looked into the room to see Nathan and Josiah trying to hold Ezra down, he had begun to struggle against them.

"Is there something we can do?" Sarah asked him in a gentle voice that showed that she was concerned even though Ezra was a stranger to her.

"Maybe there is. Nathan wants to wake him up but he won't respond to us, maybe a female voice will get through to him." He stepped aside and allowed them into the room. He heard Mary gasp as she saw the condition that Ezra was in. He stepped up beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Would you like me to have a go?" Sarah asked Nathan. "Mr Larabee said that maybe a female voice might help more."

Nathan looked up at the woman who had gotten off the stage coach earlier. He looked back down at Ezra's sweating face. "Sure anything is worth a try, we have to get him to wake up."

Josiah and Nathan stepped back and allowed Sarah to sit down next to Ezra who had calmed down a bit once the hands were no longer trying to hold him down. She first placed her hand on his forehead but he moved away.

"That won't work." Chris told her. "He doesn't like to be touched."

She took her hand away and watched as he calmed down again while taking in every part of the handsome face. Mary had told her that Ezra Standish was a handsome man but she never told her how handsome he was. "Ezra can you hear me? My name is Sarah, I want to help you." She waited a moment. "Ezra, we need you to wake up."

Ezra could hear another voice in the darkness and it was not his Uncle's. He listened and found it to be calming. The light continued to grow stronger as the voice talked to him. It wanted him to wake up but he didn't, he only wanted to leave the cellar. He wanted a comforting darkness that didn't allow him to feel the pain of the memories or the real world. He fought it as long as he could as he knew if he woke up he would have to relive it. He groaned at the thought.

"That's it Ezra, come back to us. You need to wake up." Sarah continued.

Ezra started to remember other things. He thought of his mother and realised that she was here in town, he also realised that the others were waiting for her, they knew she was coming and they didn't tell him. He felt the anger replace the fear, he wanted to wake up now, he wanted to find out what was going on. He struggled to get out of what was left of the darkness in his mind. The voice became clearer and he opened his eyes.

Sarah held her breath as she looked into the angry green eyes that returned her gaze. She quickly got up from the bed and moved away from Ezra. "He's awake." She told Chris. She then moved to Mary and led her out of the room and away from the anger that was about to fill it.

Chris knelt down in front of Ezra who was still curled up in a ball. He knew he had to be careful as he too saw the anger that his eyes held. "Ezra?"

"Why is my mother here?" Ezra asked him calmly.

"She came to see you." Chris looked at the others and saw that they were holding their breaths and yet ready to take control of the situation that may start.

Ezra knew there was more to it than that. "Why?" He held everything back, the fear, the anger and the hatred that seemed to be growing for these men who would not leave him alone. "Why is she here Chris?"

"I asked her to come." Chris knew he wouldn't be able to keep it from him. They would get this out of the way and then deal with what was happening with Ezra. But Chris was not prepared for Ezra's reaction to his confession.

Ezra was so quick Chris didn't even see his fist, the only thing he felt was the pain when it connected with the side of his head. The force of it knocked him off the bed and he then felt Ezra's weight on him as he landed more blows to his body. He didn't fight back as he didn't want to hurt Ezra anymore than he already was.

Ezra had lost complete control when Chris told him that he had asked his mother to come to Four Corners. He hit Chris as hard as he could and followed him as he fell off the bed, he jumped onto him to hold him down, he used his fists to continue hitting him but he felt hands pulling him off so he started to kick out at him. He missed though as the hands pulled him away.

"Ezra that's enough." Josiah spoke into his ear using a gentle voice.

"Let go of me!" Ezra shouted at them as he struggled to get away from the hands that held him. "Let me go!"

"Only if you are going to stop hitting Chris." Buck told him. He had hold of Ezra's other arm.

"I'm not going to punch him, I'm going to kill the bastard!" Ezra yelled at them.

Josiah took the hold of the arm that Buck was holding and swung Ezra around towards him. "Ezra!" Josiah had Ezra's body facing him but his eyes were still looking at Chris who was getting up off the floor. "Ezra look at me!" Josiah shouted at him as he shook him. "Ezra!"

Ezra turned and saw Josiah in front of him and his anger changed direction, he tried to attack him but Josiah's strong hands held him away from him. Josiah had no choice as Ezra had lost control, he hit him. Ezra fell to the floor and looked up at Josiah as he rubbed his jaw. He saw nothing but pity there. He got up and grabbed his jacket and headed for the door only to find Buck blocking it.

"Get out of the way." Buck stood still. "Now!" Ezra shouted at him.

"Buck step out of the way." Chris told him. Buck looked at him and then nodded as he moved aside.

Ezra turned to the men in the room. "If any of you come near me again I'll kill you!" He left the room and the men who were standing still with open mouths.

"He doesn't mean that. Does he?" JD asked. He was shocked at Ezra's reaction, he had never seen the gambler like that before. He quickly wiped the tear before it fell.

"No he doesn't JD, he's angry, very angry." Josiah patted him on the shoulder as though to reassure him even though he wasn't confident about it himself. They followed Ezra out of the room and down the stairs to find another confrontation that had started in the saloon.

Ezra was fuming, he couldn't believe that Chris had asked her to come here. He walked down the steps only to see her sitting at one of the tables near the saloon's doors. He stopped dead in his tracks, the whole world seemed to stand still around him. He watched as his mother looked up and smiled at him.

"Ezra how nice to see you again." She got up moved towards her son.

"Don't you dare come near me." He growled at her.

"Ezra dear what is your problem?" She asked him. "Your not having another one of those emotional tantrums are you?" Ezra couldn't help but laugh at her. "And what is so funny?"

"You are mother, you never wanted to admit when there was something wrong with me did you? Your even denying it now."

"You look perfectly fine to me Ezra." She told him.

"Really." As far as Ezra was concerned there was no one else there. He pulled his vest off and then his shirt allowing the stab wounds to become visible to his mother. "Do I look alright to you? Do you think that you can deny this?" He was shouting now, oblivious to those around him.

"Ezra would you please put your shirt back on, your embarrassing yourself." She looked down to the floor.

"You never wanted me did you?" He asked her quietly.

"Ezra what are you trying to say?" She was shocked that he even thought that.

"Thank you for reassuring me that you did." He pulled his shirt back on and then walked out of the saloon. He wanted to get out of there, to get away from everyone and everything. At that point in time he had never felt so alone, not even when he was in that cellar, as feeling alone when there were people around was a lot worse.

Chris and the others made their way down the stairs. They had heard everything that had been said and they completely understood why Ezra was behaving the way he was. His mother showed no concern at all when he showed her his healing injuries, she had accused him of having a tantrum instead of realising that there was something seriously wrong with him. Chris didn't go anywhere near her at that moment because he knew that he would hit a woman for the first time in his life. He saw Mary and her friend sitting at a table staring at the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Josiah, Buck follow Ezra and make sure that he's okay but don't get to close." He sat down at the table and the other three gunmen joined him.

"Chris what was that all about?" Mary asked him when she realised that he had sat down at the table.

"Ezra is having a very hard time dealing with a memory from his childhood." Buck told her.

"What sort of memory would make him behave like that?" Sarah asked. They all looked up at her and she grimaced. "Sorry, it's none of my business."

"No, it's alright. You brought him out of that state he was in and we are grateful to you for what you did." Chris told her and then remembered his manners. He introduced his friends to Sarah and then began to tell both Mary and Sarah what had happened to Ezra. He then explained Maude's part of the problem. They then sat silently hoping that Ezra was going to be okay.

Ezra could feel the fresh air against his skin as he still hadn't done his shirt buttons up. He ignored the looks that he recieved from the townsfolk as he walked down the board walk. Again he didn't know where he was going. He didn't know what he was going to do, his mother had just more or less admitted that she didn't want him by not answering his question. His so called friends had gone against him by asking her here. His mind was full of confusion, the memory was rushing through his mind over and over again and the fear was back and it was slowly replacing the anger. Ezra looked up as he found himself standing in front of the stables. He walked in and found himself a corner to sit in. He didn't think of getting on his horse and riding out of there, he couldn't think straight so he sat down and drew his knees up to his chest. He didn't even realise that he was rocking himself back and forth.

Maude had listened to what Chris had told Mary and Sarah - she had gotten to know the woman on the stage as it had been a long trip. She heard what Chris had said about Jack and her, how she had convinced Ezra that no one showed him anything but pity and that it was because no one would care for him. How she had taught him never to show his emotions and it was because of this that he held everything in and that was causing most of the problems. She couldn't believe it when he had mentioned the knife wound that he had hidden from them because he didn't want their pity. She didn't think that Ezra was that stupid. And for the rest of it, she had to do that, how else was he going to be able to pull a con. He wouldn't be convincing if he allowed people to get close to him, if he showed them his feelings. And it was pity that he was shown, she had seen it on their faces when she left her son with them. If it was anybody's fault it was Ezra's for allowing his emotions to get the better of him. She stood up and left the saloon to go back to her hotel, she would come back later when her son gained control of himself.

Buck and Josiah's hearts tore in two when they saw Ezra rocking himself in the corner of the stables. He looked so alone. Buck stepped forward to go in but stopped when he heard Josiah's voice.

"I'll be here if you need me."

Buck nodded and stepped into the barn. Ezra didn't look up as Buck came towards him, he didn't even acknowledge him, as far as he was concerned he was still alone in the world. Buck sat down in front of him, not caring that he was in reach of him and if Ezra lashed out he would take the full brunt of the force.

"Ezra?" Buck called to him and waited. Ezra continued to rock as he held his knees to his chest. "Ezra, it's Buck." He still didn't answer him so Buck decided to do all the talking. "Chris thought that he was doing the right thing. He didn't ask Maude here to see you. He wanted to talk to her, give her a piece of his mind which he still hasn't done. That's why we were trying to get you out of the way, so you wouldn't have to see her, at least not till after Chris spoke to her. I'm going to have to make sure that I'm there to see the show." Ezra continued what he was doing. "He's feeling really bad about asking her to come. He didn't realise what seeing her would do to you, none of us did." Buck looked back at Josiah who had stepped into the doorway. Josiah nodded to him to continue. "Sarah seems like a nice lady, real pretty."

"Do your conversations always end up with you talking about a woman." Ezra asked him. He had stopped rocking but sat the same way and continued to look at his knees.

"If it will get your attention then yes." Buck didn't smile though, he didn't feel like doing that.

"Go away Buck." Ezra said quietly.

"No." Buck had thought that Ezra had calmed down enough to talk to him but it was obvious that he still didn't want to talk. "And don't tell me you want to be left alone either because I know you don't."

"You don't know anything Buck." Ezra muttered.

"I know that we all want to help you." Buck edged a little closer to him.

"You have been doing a great job so far, I mean look at me, I'm a mess." Ezra said and to prove it a single tear fell from his left eye onto his knee.

"We would do a better job if you let us help you Ezra." Buck bent down to try and look into Ezra's tear filled eyes.

"Did you hear what she said." Ezra looked up at him finally. "She didn't even care that I had been hurt, wouldn't even admit to wanting me."

"I'm sorry Ezra." Buck didn't know what to say.

"Yeah me to." He got up and roughly wiped the tears from his eyes, he had lost control again but he didn't care anymore as he couldn't stop himself and the others didn't seem to mind. All his emotions had left him and he only felt drained and numb. "I need a drink." He walked out of the livery, ignoring Josiah and made his way to the saloon.

He walked into the saloon with Buck and Josiah on his heels and was grateful when he didn't see his mother. He did though see the others sitting at a table to the side of the saloon watching him as he stood inside the doorway making his decision. He hesitated a moment and then did something that went against his upbringing. He walked over and sat down at table.

"Would somebody like to get me a drink?" Ezra asked them.

"Sure Ezra." Vin got up and went to the bar.

"Feeling better Ezra?" Chris asked him.

"I'm sorry Chris, I don't know what happend." But Ezra did, it was the anger that he had used all his life to keep people away from him, to stop them from showing him any pity. He knew that it would happen again when they started to push him to tell them what was going on. He couldn't control the emotions anymore, they were going to see everything.

"That's alright Ezra. But you might want to do up your shirt before Sarah swoons and falls out of her chair." Chris couldn't help but laugh at both Ezra's and Sarah's embrassment. When Ezra had come in he didn't think that he would join them but he did and when he sat down Sarah's gaze had fallen to his bare chest and remained there. Mary joined in the laughter but both she and Chris stopped when they realised that Ezra's expression had not changed.

Sarah looked around the table and felt her cheeks go red. She hadn't been able to stop herself when he sat down, even with the stitched knife wound that was in the center of his chest but she had also seen the bandage that was wrapped around his waist and the fading bruises that also lined his chest. "I'm sorry Mr Standish, I didn't mean to stare."

"Why not, as I seem to be putting on a show for everyone to watch." He couldn't understand why he felt so numb. It was as though he couldn't feel anything and that itself was beginning to scare him. "Did I cause you any injuries Chris?"

"Only a bruised pride." Chris leaned forward. "Don't suppose you want to talk about it?"

Ezra just shook his head, he didn't even want to answer the most basic questions. He looked up as Vin returned with a bottle and some glasses.

"I put it on your tab Ezra." Vin told him as he poured him a drink.

"At least I am good for something." He swallowed the warm whisky and winced at the taste of it.

Everyone looked at each other, they didn't know how to respond as they were becoming confused themselves. One minute Ezra was yelling at them and had become violent and the next he was calm and talking to them. Josiah spoke though.

"Your good for a lot of things Ezra."

"Such as?"

"How much time do you have." Josiah smiled at him.

"Another one to avoid the question." Ezra said, he wanted to feel angry at the lack of an answer to his question but he couldn't be bothered.

"I didn't mean it like that Ezra." He put his hand on Ezra's shoulder and was suprised when it stayed there. "Would you believe me anyway if I gave you a list now. I don't believe that you would, not with the state of mind that your in at the moment."

Ezra rubbed his eyes, he was beginning to feel tired. "Chris I understand that you have a few words to say to my mother."

"If that's okay with you Ezra."

Ezra nodded his head, he folded his arms on the table and then rested his head on them. He felt tired and he felt numb, he knew they were watcing him but he didn't care. He closed his eyes and rested for a moment. He felt a hand on his shoulder again though and looked up at the owner.

"Come on Ezra, I'll take you up to your room so you can get some rest." Chris told him.

"I suppose that you are going to stay there as well."

"Only if you don't mind that is."

"As long as you don't turn off the light when I'm asleep I don't care." Ezra allowed Chris to help him up, he really didn't care at that moment, maybe later when he didn't feel so numb. The others watched Ezra and Chris until they dissapeared around the corner that led to his room.

"Has Mr Standish always been afraid of the dark?" Sarah asked the table.

"Ezra isn't afraid of the dark." JD defended him.

"Then why won't he sleep without a light on." She stated simply and watched the questioning glances that they gave each other.

Chris watched Ezra as he lay on top of the bed covers, he had fallen alseep as soon as he laid down on the bed. Ezra hadn't even bothered to undress, he still wore his trousers and his shirt which was still open, showing the damage that had been done to his body, his feet were dirty as he hadn't bothered to put his boots on when he stormed out of his room earlier. Chris wondered if this was what he looked like after his Uncle had beaten him. Ezra's face was slack and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Chris sat on the bed and gently moved the damp hair from Ezra's forehead, he watched as his bruised chest rose and fell with the rhythm of sleep and he decided that he was going to do everything he could to make things better for Ezra. The first thing he was going to deal with was Ezra's mother but that will have to wait until the morning, he wasn't going to leave Ezra alone. He moved to the chair and turned it to face the bed, he then settled in for the night only to be woken by Ezra's screams.

"So how long have you known Mary for Miss Doherty?" Buck asked her so he could break the silence that occurred after her comment about Ezra being afraid of the dark.

"Since we were children and you can call me Sarah." She smiled at him.

"We grew up together, Sarah then moved to San Fransico. We haven't seen each other for three years." Mary added.

"Maude seemed like such a nice woman on the stage." Sarah changed the subject back to what it was originally.

"We all use to think that." Vin told her. He looked up towards Ezra's room and wondered how he was doing.

"No one has answered my question about why Mr Standish wanted to sleep with the light on." Sarah reminded them.

"That's because we don't know." Nathan told her. "The dark has never bothered him before."

"Perhaps it has something to do with the memory that he's having trouble dealing with." Sarah suggested.

"That's a good point, we'll mention it to him when comes down again." Josiah smiled at her as he was grateful to have a fresh mind in the discussion to come up with some ideas of what might be wrong with Ezra and what the memory may involve.

They continued to talk for the next couple of hours, about Ezra, Mary and Sarah's friendship and other things. The saloon had emptied out and the bartender left them alone as it was becoming a common occurrence for them to wait in the saloon. They were sitting in silence when the screams began. Ezra's friends ran up to the room after telling Mary to take herself and Sarah home.

Ezra cowered in the corner of the cellar, he could hear both the rats and his Uncle coming for him, he tried to get away from the sound but he couldn't. "Get away from me!" He yelled out, his scream waking Chris and forcing him out of his chair towards the bed. Ezra felt terrified, he could hear him coming closer and then he felt his hand on his shoulder, he struggled to get away but he was dragged up the stairs to the kitchen. "Let go of me!" He shouted at him. Ezra felt the first punch and he jerked his body in his sleep but he didn't wake up.

"Ezra!" Chris shook him by the shoulders and felt his body jerk. "Ezra wake up!"

"Please don't hit me." Ezra whimpered. He had brought his hands up again to protect himself but his Uncle hit him in a more vulnerable place. Ezra fell to the floor and curled himself up against the onslaught.

Chris shook him harder and Ezra jerked awake, the scream leaving his throat. He lay on his side gasping for breath, his arms curled around his shaking body. "Why did he do it Chris?"

"I don't know Ezra, I just don't know." Chris heard the door open and saw the others run into the room out of the corner of his eye.

They stood frozen, watching the image before them. Ezra was shaking uncontrollably, curled up in a ball with his arms wrapped around himself. His sweat soaked hair and shirt clinging to his body.

"I don't want to go back to sleep." Ezra looked up at Chris. He struggled to keep his eyes open but he couldn't. The darkness of the cellar took him back.

Chris couldn't control the shiver that went through him when he saw the terrified eyes look at him but felt relief when they fluttered closed again as Ezra fell back to sleep.

"We have to do something Chris." Buck told him.

"Don't you think I know that Buck." Chris growled at him. He watched as Ezra began to dream again, his face grimacing at the memory. "How do we stop him dreaming."

There was nothing that they could do except to wake him up each time the dreams got bad. They talked to him to try and stop him from falling asleep again but he was to tired to stay awake and after the third time he finally fell into a peaceful sleep.

Vin stayed with Ezra for the rest of the night and was grateful when he didn't dream again, more for Ezra than for himself. He watched as Ezra slowly woke up from his peaceful sleep. Ezra opened his eyes and blinked a few times as they adjusted to the sunlight that invaded his room. He noticed someone sitting in his chair and he looked over at Vin.

"Ezra." Was all he said as he was worried that anything else might make him angry and that was the last thing that any of them wanted.

"Mr Tanner." Was the curt reply. He got up off his bed and pulled on his jacket and guns that were slung over the chair that Vin was sitting in. He gathered some clean clothes out of his dresser and after pulling on his boots he left his room without another word to Vin who followed him.

Chris looked up and saw Ezra walking down the stairs with Vin following, he could see the dark circles under Ezra's eyes from where he was sitting. He caught Ezra's eye and raised an eyebrow at him.

"If you must know I am going to clean myself up and I don't need a babysitter." Ezra scowled at him and Chris knew that it would be best to leave him alone for now. Chris nodded to Vin to join him at the table and they then watched as Ezra walked out.

"He's in a bad mood again." Vin told him.

"Yeah, I noticed." Chris grimaced at the thought as he was hoping that Ezra would be in the same mood that he was last night because if he was they would have been able to talk to him.

Ezra walked along the boardwalk towards the bath house, he wasn't watching where he was going as his mind was full of emotions again, they had come back and they were tearing him apart. He could see himself in the cellar and his Uncle as he beat him afterwards. He shivered at the thought and then walked into someone. He looked up not sure whether or not he was going to apologise. He decided not to as it was his mother.

Ezra didn't know what to say, the last person he wanted to see apart from his Uncle was his mother, she was the person who was responsible for the whole incident as it was his mother who left him there in the first place so she could go off and carry out one of her cons. He made to step around her but she stepped sideways to block him again.

"I am very dissapointed in you Ezra, all of my efforts to teach you a trade have been forgotten. You have failed me by falling apart as you have." She kept the smile on her face as she watched the emotions cross her son's face. "What happened to all of the secrets that I tought you. What happened to hiding your emotions and not allowing people to get close to you."

Ezra took in every word she said and they tore through his heart. This was supposed to be his mother, the person who was supposed to love and care for him even when he did good things but this mother was dissapointed in her son when he changed his ways to help people.

"I expected better from you Ezra, I do expect you to change the way you are behaving." She stepped closer to him. "This not the way I brought you up."

"Have you finished Mother." Ezra didn't wait for an answer he walked away from her. But she wasn't finished.

"You know they don't care about you, don't you Ezra. I can see the pity on their faces when they look at you." Maude watched as he walked away and saw his shoulders slump when she used the word pity.

Ezra kept walking, he made himself keep going as he tried to shut out his mother's words but he couldn't. They kept repeating themselves over and over again, especially the last comment that she had made. He somehow made his way to the bath house and managed to clean himself up. Once he had done that he headed back to the saloon. By this time his mother's words had settled in his mind and he allowed the insecure child in him to believe them. He again shut himself off from those around him. He closed himself off and put up his wall of defence.

Sarah had been watching from across the street. She was waiting for Mary outside the Clarion when she saw Ezra walk out of the saloon and then head down the street, she watched as Maude confronted her son. Sarah was going to cross the street and interrupt them but the confrontation was over before it had started so instead she headed to the saloon to let Chris know what she just saw.

She walked into the saloon and saw Chris and Vin sitting at one of the tables, their breakfast lying untouched before them. Sarah made her way to them and sat down at the table and hesitated as she didn't know how they were going to take the news.

"Something wrong Sarah?" Chris asked as her as he saw the concern on her face. He also noticed the pale blue dress that highlighted her fair skin even more.

"I just saw Mrs Standish . . ." She hesitated again.

"And?" Asked Vin even though he dreaded the answer.

"She stopped Ezra in the street, she was talking to him and from the look on his face he didn't like what she was telling him. It only lasted a couple of minutes and then he walked off."

"Reckon we should go after him?" Vin asked Chris.

"No let's just wait until he comes back and then see what his mood is like." Chris told him. He looked at Sarah and forced his face to smile at her. "Thanks for letting us know Sarah."

"Let me know if there is anything that I can do for him." She smiled and left them to comptemplate what they were going to do about Maude and Ezra.

Chris knew what he wanted to do with Maude but Ezra was going to be a different story. They only had to wait thirty minutes for Ezra to come back and the first thing they saw was the poker face that he was wearing, they both groaned at the sight as they knew what it meant. They were back were they started.

"Gentlemen." Ezra greeted them but he did not smile at them.

"Ezra, I hear that you were talking to Maude earlier." Chris wasn't going to tip toe around the gambler.

"I believe she did most of the talking." Ezra gave away as little as possible.

"You want to do some of your own talking?" Vin asked him.

"There is nothing to talk about." Ezra fought to keep control of his emotions, they were raging through him but his mother kept reminding him of what he was supposed to do so he wouldn't dissapoint her.

Ezra jumped when Josiah placed his hand on his shoulder. "Please remove your hand Mr Sanchez."

"Sorry Ezra." Josiah took in the expressions on Chris and Vin's faces.

"Maude managed to speak to Ezra when we weren't looking." Chris explained.

"Then I suggest Chris that you return the favour." Josiah smiled at him. They all waited for Ezra to protest but he didn't, he actually suprised them.

"You better let Buck know as he wanted to watch." Ezra grimaced at the thought of Chris having a few words with his mother but deep down he was grateful that someone was going to as he was not strong enough to go against his mother at the moment. She knew exactly what to say to hurt him but she wouldn't be able to hurt Chris.

Sarah returned to the Clarion to wait for Mary. She was only there a few minutes when Mary stepped out. "Sarah I am going to be a while longer so if there is anything that you want to do . . " Mary informed her.

"I suppose I can go for a walk around town, take in the scenery." Sarah muttered trying to make Mary feel guilty and enjoying herself when she did.

"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you a promise." Mary tried her best to make her feel better.

"And what is it that you are going to do?" She asked her as she hid the smile behind her hand but Mary caught her.

"Sarah Doherty, how could you." Mary chided her.

"Maybe you could arrange dinner with those seven men as I would like to get to know one of them better." Sarah smiled wickedly at her.

"Anything, just get out of here and come back in an hour." Mary gave her a quick hug and watched her walk away.

The three men had been hiding in the house at the edge of town for four days without being spotted, they were wanted men and they needed rest before they moved on. They had heard about the seven lawmen that protected the town so they hid from them as they knew they would be recognised by them. They did not want to go back to jail. The men had been on the run for three months and they hid in each town they went to and they had never been caught so they kept doing it, it had become a habit hard to break. The three men were more desperate than they were dangerous.

"I'll be back in a minute." John told his two friends.

"Where are you going?" David asked him.

"Where do you think." He smiled back at him.

"Just make sure that nobody spots you because if they do the'll tell the local law and then we will go back to jail." David called after him.

"Yeah, yeah." John waved back.

John was on his way back to the house when he saw the young woman picking flowers from the overgrown garden, she looked liked one of the townsfolk and he knew that she would know that he didn't live there. He tried to get by her but she looked up just before he was behind cover. He watched as the fair skined beauty looked at him and he couldn't help but smile back. 'Shit'. He thought to himself. He walked over to her intending to get rid of her but in a way so she wouldn't be found again. John looked around to make sure there was no one else close by.

"Good morning." He said to her.

"Morning. I hope you don't mind me picking some of these flowers, there beautiful." Sarah asked him.

"Not at all." He tipped his hat to her as she turned away from him and then quickly grabbed her around the waist and put his hand over her mouth. He then dragged her back into the house.

Sarah felt the arms grab her and she tried to scream but a hand was placed over her mouth to stop her voicing it. He struggled in the man's grip and tried to kick him with her legs, she felt her boots make contact and heard the man grunt in pain but he didn't let her go. She saw the distance between herself and the street lengthen and she began to fear for her life. The man turned around and forced her through the doorway of the house. She saw another two men in the house, both of them were large men, she couldn't make out their faces very well as they were covered in trial dirt. Sarah decided that they probably smelt as bad as the man holding her.

"What the hell are you doing John?" David growled at him.

"She saw me, what else was I supposed to do." John wined at him.

"Sometimes John . . ." He threw a piece of rope to him as he shook his head. "Tie her up and sit her where we can see her. We'll leave when it's dark."

"You know you can do some stupid things John." Mack told him.

"What. You told me what would happen if someone saw me. She saw me, I had to stop her from telling anyone." He continued to whine.

"Stop your whining John and tie her up already." David then pulled a hankerchief from his pocket and gave it to him. "Shut her up as well."

Sarah felt the relief wash through her as she realised that all they were going to do was tie her up. She was supposed to meet Mary in twenty minutes and knew that when she didn't show up she would start looking for her. She just hoped that she wouldn't do it on her own.

Chris walked into the hotel and spotted Maude sitting at one of the tables. He had left the saloon after asking the others to watch Ezra and enjoyed the remarks that came out of the gambler's mouth - he was almost like his old self except that his old self was a mask that hid everything that he was feeling. He also hadn't told Buck that he was going to talk to Maude as it was just between the two of them. He made his way to the table and didn't ask for permission to sit down.

"Why Mr Larabee, what can I do you for this fine morning?" Maude knew exactly what he wanted but he was not going to get her help. As far as she was concerned the only problem with Ezra was his involvement with these lawmen and the fact that he didn't seem to be able to hide his emotions as she had taught him to.

"I want to talk to you about Ezra but you know that already don't you." Chris kept his calm.

"And why would you want to talk about Ezra?"

"You don't want to know why the telegram said he needed you urgently?" Chris wanted to know as she hadn't even mentioned it.

"The only thing that Ezra needs is to get back his control." Maude smiled at Chris.

"Did Ezra tell you about Jack and what he did to him?" He thought that he saw Maude's poker face falter but only for a second.

"Yes he did. Why?" She had actually felt guilty about that but she also knew that he would have to have learnt a lot from the experience.

"And he told you that he nearly killed him once." Maude nodded. Chris changed the subject again, as he didn't want her to become comfortable with one subject, he hoped that by jumping around he would confuse her. He knew it would be hard but he had to try. "Did you know that he doesn't like to be touched, particulary when he's injured."

"He has been like that since he was a child." Maude confirmed. She didn't know where he was going with all this. "Would you like to get to the point Mr Larabee as I don't have all day."

"You don't won't to take the time to find out what's been troubling your son?"

"That is not what I said and I told you, I already know what's wrong with him." She smiled again. "He is just seeking attention as he always does."

"Maude, I am just going to say this once. I have never hit a woman in my life but if you keep smiling like that you will be my first." Chris growled at her.

"If you are going to be like that, I am leaving." She made to get.

"Sit down Maude." Chris's voice was cold and she did as she was told. For the first time since she met this man she was actually afraid. She regained her composure.

"Ezra is not seeking attention, he doesn't like to be touched as he associates it with concern. And you seemed to have convinced him that it is not concern but instead . . .pity"

"It was pity that he received, no one likes to put up with a child that is constantly doing things and making himself sick to get attention."

"Do you actually believed that he would get himself hurt on purpose." He couldn't believe this woman, he really did want to hit her.

"I know he used to make himself sick just before I asked my relatives to look after him for a while. He thought he could make me feel guilty and take him with me."

"And one of those relatives nearly killed him." Chris muttered. "Why did you tell him that no one would ever care for him?" His anger was begining to fade, at that moment all he could do was feel for Ezra as he was getting a glimpse of what his childhood must have been like.

"Because he can't afford to allow people to care for him in this trade." Maude explained, she was confused as to why he needed to even ask her that question.

"Ezra thinks that no one cares for him and the only emotion that people show him is pity. It got to the point where he didn't want to feel that pity anymore. He hid a serious knife wound from us and it nearly killed him. All because you convinced him that the concern that he would have been shown would be pity." He noticed Maude wasn't shocked at that statement but he didn't know that she already knew about it. This brought his anger back.

"It's Ezra's own fault if he allows his stubborness to get in the way." Maude argued.

"He's remembered the beating that nearly killed him. We actually managed to get something out of him. He doesn't like to talk about things either it seems." Maude didn't answer him. "You never encouraged him to talk about anything did you?"

"I taught Ezra to be strong. Showing any sort of emotion or to talk about that sort of thing would show him that he was weak. He needs to be strong to do what I taught him. If he allowed himself to show emotions, or talk about things, or even think that people care for him he wouldn't be able complete a successful con." She jumped as Chris's fist slammed against the table.

"And that's the reason he's being tortured by this memory, that's why he is going through hell right now. All because you told him not to show his feelings or to talk about them. Ezra is sick but not in a physical way and we don't know how to help him." He finally let his anger show.

"And you think that I can?"

"You spoke to him this morning and now he's changed, he's closed himself off again. Just like you always told him to." He sneered at her. "I want you to talk to him, tell him that he needs to talk about it and let it all out."

"No."

"Why not." Chris was stunned that his woman didn't even want to help her son.

"Because if he does it once he won't be able to keep control, he'll keep doing it. Were business people Mr Larabee and those sort of feelings are not part of our nature. I won't allow my son to have them."

"He's been having nightmares you know."

"Everybody does."

"He wakes up screaming, soaking with sweat, he can't stop shaking. Ezra won't even sleep unless the light is on." Chris finally saw Maude's poker face falter.

"What does he dream about?" She asked him.

"As far as we can tell he dreams about his Uncle beating him. He wakes up terrified Maude, if you saw the look in his eyes . . ." Chris looked down as he remembered the look that was in Ezra's eyes the night before. "He was only twelve Maude. Twelve years old and his Uncle nearly beat him to death and he is only remembering it now."

"How could he remember it now. He told me about it the last time I was in town."

"He said that someone told him about it but he didn't actually remember the beating. But it came back to him last week and he's been a mess since. You have to talk to him Maude, for Ezra's sake."

"I already told you Mr Larabee, I will not allow my son to show those types of feelings."

Chris was about to loose his temper when Mary ran in to the hotel's restaurant. "Chris, I can't find Sarah anywhere. I think she's lost. I've looked everywhere for her and I can't find her."

Chris could see that Mary was distressed and that was the only reason he left Maude. "I'll be back Maude." He took Mary's arm and walked her outside. "We'll go to the saloon and then organise a search party. Don't worry Mary, we'll find her."

Chris walked into the saloon and saw that his friends were all now sitting at the table, Ezra included. Buck looked up at him and gave Chris a look of hurt. "Why did you leave me out of it Chris, I had a few words to say to that woman too you know."

"We all do Buck." Josiah agreed with him. Ezra kept his feelings to himself.

"So how did it go anyway?" Vin asked.

Chris looked at Ezra who returned the glance. He turned his face away so Ezra couldn't see the anger that he was feeling at his mother, if Ezra saw it then he would know that he had gotten nowhere with her. "We haven't got time for that. Mary said that Sarah is missing."

"Who's Sarah?" Ezra asked him.

Everyone was shocked. "You met Sarah yesterday, remember?" Nathan asked him, the concern showed in his voice and Ezra gave him an unpleasant look.

"Beautiful woman, shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, fair skin." Buck described her to him as he remembered every detail of that womanly beauty.

"I'm sorry but I don't seem to remember much about yesterday." Ezra told them as the only thing that he did remember was the dreams and he was going to say anything about them. He shut his mind off again so they couldn't see what he was feeling.

"That's okay Ezra. You know what she looks like, she's also wearing a pale blue dress." Chris added to Buck's description.

"And she was on foot so she couldn't have left town." Mary was worried sick about her close friend, it wasn't like her to run off. She began to think that something terrible had happened to her.

"I want you to look everywhere, ask people if they saw her. We'll meet back here in an hour." Chris nodded to them and they all got up and left in different directions.

Each hired lawman searched the town looking for Mary's friend, they checked the stores and hotels, giving people Sarah's description only to have the townsfolk tell them that they hadn't seen her. They searched everywhere just like Mary had and they got the same results. They each hoped that one of the others had found her. Each man made their way back to the saloon. Buck met Chris at the doors and followed him inside and they sat at their usual table.

"You didn't find her?" Buck asked him.

"No and I take it you didn't either." Buck shook his head. "We'll have to get more people and search everywhere again. She has to be somewhere."

"How did it go with Maude?" Buck asked carefully.

"Didn't even want to know." Chris muttered.

"What!" Buck jumped up out of his chair. "I am going to go and give that woman a piece of my mind. How could she not care about him. Damn that woman."

"Sit down Buck, it'll have to wait until after we find Sarah." Chris couldn't help but smile. "Besides you will have to wait until I've finished with her."

"Just as long as you leave something for me to chew on." Buck growled.

They waited quietly, each with the same thoughts, for the others to come back. As they arrived they each reported that they hadn't found Sarah and that no one had seen her. Ezra hadn't arrived yet so they waited for him as they knew that he would be along any minute now and while they waited Chris told them about his talk with Maude.

Ezra had been able to keep his emotions under control in front of his friends but now that he was alone he was finding it hard keep them that way, the strongest feeling was the fear. He couldn't keep that one at bay. He had walked to the edge of town and stopped when he reached the empty house. The Henderson's had lived here but they moved to Bitter Creek a couple of months ago. It was a small house and no one had been interested in purchasing it when they had left. He made one last attempt to get the feelings under control and failed. He had to check the house, with the emotions continuing to destroy him he walked up the stairs and opened the front door. Ezra wasn't concentrating on what he was doing, he thought that Sarah was lost, he didn't expect to find her in the house but he did. She was tied up in a chair with a gun placed against her head and two guns were then pointed in his direction.

"Get in here now." David ordered him.

Ezra carefully stepped into the main room of the small house. He looked over at Sarah and recognised her from Buck's description. His focus was brought back to the two men in front of him when one of them came forward and collected his guns. Ezra regretted not taking the time to fix his derringer in place before he left his room that morning. He struggled with his emotions, he needed to concentrate but he wasn't able to. The men thought that they had caused the fear to show in Ezra's eyes.

"Look he's scared." John laughed at him.

"I assure you my fear has nothing to do with you." Ezra growled at him. He hoped that these men would make him angry as he needed it to take control as it had always done before.

"There's no one else here for you to be afraid of." Mack told him.

Ezra looked them over carefully, they didn't look like real criminals, they seemed more like scavengers. But they were hiding in this empty house and they had taken Sarah for a reason so he wasn't going to underestimate them. He had to think of a way to get them both out of this situation safely but at that moment his mind was flooded with emotions and he couldn't gain contol over them no matter how much he tried.

"What are we going to do with them David?" Asked John.

"Give me a minute to think." It was only a few hours till sunset and he needed to do something with them to stop them from escaping, they needed to get away and have a head start before anyone came after them.

"Why don't you throw them in the cellar." Mack suggested.

Ezra felt the fear rip through him. He wasn't going to go back down there, he would die before he allowed them to put him in there again.

"I'm not going in there." Ezra warned them.

"Yes you are, you don't have a choice." Mack told him.

"Then you will have to throw my corpse in there because I'm not going down there while I'm still breathing."

Sarah was listening to the conversation and couldn't believe what Ezra was saying, she realised the cellar would explain his fear of the dark. She watched as the man called John came over and untied her hands.

"Your serious aren't you?" David asked Ezra.

"I'm not going down there." He told them for the third time. Ezra was barely holding himself together, he knew that he was shaking but these men hadn't noticed it yet. His heart felt like ice and he wanted to scream at them the same way he screamed at his Uncle to let him out. "I'm not going down there."

David could see the man shaking and realised that if he was that scared then he could become very dangerous. They would have to be quick. "Mack, open the cellar door and put the woman in there, then we'll take care of this coward."

Ezra could see that they were bigger than him and that they would eventually take him but not without a fight and if he could get hold of one of their guns he would kill them. He wasn't going to go down there. No way in hell. Because that's what it was, it was hell and he never wanted to go through that again. He watched as Mack opened the door and he could see the darkeness beckoning to him. "I'm not going down there." he muttered. He felt like he was twelve years old again.

Sarah wanted to call out to Ezra but the dirty handkerchief was still wrapped around her face, causing the only to noise to come out as a groan. As she got closer to the door she could see the terror in his eyes and she knew that the cellar was part of his memory. She was roughly pushed down the stairs and told to stay or else he would make her stay. Mack then went back up, he was looking forward to taking care of the fancy dressed man.

Ezra looked at the three of them as they stood in front of him. Only one of them now held a gun as the other two had put them on the table out of his reach. They moved towards him and he braced himself, he wasn't going to go down there. Mack and John both tried to grab an arm but before they could Ezra slammed his fist into John's nose and he felt it break beneath his fist. John screamed at the pain and clutched his nose to try and stop the flow of blood.

While Ezra did this Mack was able to land a blow to his kidney. Ezra felt the pain tear through his back as the memory tore through his mind. He didn't turn around but instead elbowed Mack in the jaw knocking him backwards. Ezra then turned his oncoming anger back to John. He hit his nose again with full force and the man screamed a second time as he fell to the ground. Ezra then began to kick him as his Uncle had done to him after removing him from the cellar. The anger had taken control of Ezra and it had done such a good job that he had forgotten about the other two men in the room. David came up behind him and slammed the butt of his gun into the back of Ezra's skull. He smiled as the gambler fell across John. He kicked him in the side for good measure.

"Get him off me." John yelled, he coughed at the taste blood as it fell down the back of his throat.

"Give me a hand Mack." Together they dragged Ezra off him and to the dark opening in the floor, they didn't bother to take him down the stairs. They pulled him into the opening and then let him fall the rest of the way. David then shut and locked the door.

Sarah looked up as something blocked the light that was shining into the cellar, she knew that it was Ezra and she watched, helpless as there was nothing that she could do, as he fell to the cellar floor. The fall wasn't from a great hight as the roof was only eight foot above them. She heard the noise as Ezra's body hit the floor and she ran to him trying to see if she could determine what damage there was before the light disappeared but it was gone before she reached him.

She had to put her hands out in front of her to feel for him as it was to dark to see him. Sarah finally found him and using her hands she felt his body for any injuries, the only being the bleeding wound on the back of his head. She lifted his shoulders up and pulled his upper body to her chest and held him as she had an idea of what his reaction will be when he woke up and she wanted him to know that there was someone else down here with him.

They had waited thirty minutes past the hour that they had agreed on and Ezra still hadn't shown up. They were all worried because of the state of mind he was in. Chris had been pacing the floor the same way Buck had paced the boardwalk when they were waiting for Maude the week before. "JD go and check if Ezra is with his mother at the hotel."

JD ran out of the saloon and was back five minutes later to say that he wasn't. Chris continued to pace the floor, the others watched him and waited for his decision. "I don't think that Ezra is capable of doing anything drastic as he would have done it by now so whatever happened to Sarah must have happened to Ezra." Chris told them as he paced.

"Or even better, he found her and they are sitting somewhere taking about things." Buck hoped.

"No. They would have let us know, Sarah would know that Mary was worried about her." Chris shattered Buck's hope. "Get as many people together as you can and start searching, if you find them fire your gun in the air." For the second time they left the saloon to search for Sarah but this time the search included Ezra.

Ezra could feel the pain at the back of his head as he woke up, he wondered what had caused it. He could feel himself wrapped up in something and he thought that it must have been his bedcover. He moved a little and felt the grip become tighter and he thought that it was strange as bedcovers don't usually do that. He tried moving more and the hold on him became even stronger. He opened his eyes and saw the darkness, he began to struggle against whatever was holding him as the memory and emotions washed over him.

"Ezra, it's Sarah, your not alone, I'm here with you." She held on as tight as she could but he was obviously stronger. "Ezra it's okay, your not alone this time." Sarah hoped that she was saying the right thing.

He could hear a female voice and knew that it was not part of the memory, the grip on him was not brutal or forceful. It took him a few moments to register the name and who the woman was. "Sarah?" His voice shook with fear.

"Yes Ezra, it's Sarah. Do you know who I am?" She asked him as she continued to hold him, she had noticed that his heart was now beating a lot faster than it was.

"Your Mary's friend."

"Yes. How are you doing?"

"My head hurts." He told her as he thought that was what she was talking about.

"I'm not talking about that Ezra. You didn't want to come down here. You were terrified." She reminded him.

Ezra tore himself from her grip and felt her as she tried to grab him again. "A slight exaggeration I am sure." He tried to sound confident but failed miserably. He stood up and walked slowly until he bumped into the wall, he then followed it until he reached the corner. Ezra then sat down and drew his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around them to try and stop his body shaking as he relived his nightmare.

Ezra couldn't stop shaking, he couldn't stop remembering and most of all he couldn't stop feeling. His heart was pounding in his ears and he knew that it was beating to fast. He was in the cellar again and he couldn't get out, the darkness surrounded him even more than it had done before. He could hear the scurrying noises but didn't realise that it was only in his mind. Everything was the same as it was before, the darkness, the rats and the loneliness, they had left him alone. 'But I'm not alone.' He thought to himself, he remembered that there was someone with him.

"Sarah?" He whispered as he didn't want to let the rats know he was hiding in the corner.

"I'm here Ezra. Keep talking so I can find you." Sarah had panicked herself for a moment in the total darkness when Ezra tore himself from her grip. She had tried to grab him again but couldn't.

"I don't think I can do this." Ezra's voice was shaking as much as his body was, he tried to steady it so Sarah wouldn't know how scared he was. He cried out when he felt her hand touch his face and he violenty threw his head away from her touch and hit his head against the wall.

"It's me Ezra, it's okay." Sarah said to him gently, she had felt his face under her touch and then it was gone. She heard the noise as his head hit the wall and she remembered what Chris had said - that Ezra didn't liked to be touched. Sarah ignored what he said and moved her hand down to his shoulder, he didn't move away from her. She could feel him shaking beneath her hand.

"You can get through this Ezra. I'm here with you, I'll help you get through it." Sarah sat down next to him and made sure that their bodies were touching so he wouldn't forget that she was there. "Ezra, are you with me?" He didn't answer her. Sarah kept talking to him anyway, she didn't want him to come back to a quiet darkness that was suffocating him.

Ezra didn't loose consciousness when his head hit the wall but it did cause him to seek refuge in a corner of his mind as the force of the blow was almost as hard as when his Uncle had slammed his head against the kitchen floor. He hadn't lost consciousness then either and the beating had continued. Ezra opened his eyes and saw his Aunt watching as the scene unfolded before her, he moaned as the new memory came to him and tore at his heart. She hadn't helped him, she had allowed her husband to beat him again.

"Help me plea . . . " Another blow to the kidney cut off his cry for help. She ignored him and continued to watch.

Sarah had heard Ezra ask for help but because he wasn't responding to her she knew that he was talking to someone else, someone from his memory. She continued to talk to him, reassuring him that he was going to be okay, that they would find them soon.

The beating had stopped but instead of finding himself in his small room, he was in the cellar again. Ezra waited for the pain to begin but there wasn't any. He could hear a voice talking to him and he at first thought that it was his Aunt but the voice was comforting, his Aunt's never was.

"Sarah?" His voice broke and he fought back the tears that threatened to fall, he roughly wiped his eyes, if his mother saw him now she would be ashamed. She would tell him how dissapointed she was in him for showing these feelings.

"I'm still here Ezra, I'm not leaving you." She reassured him. Sarah knew that he was struggling to keep control, she wished that he would let go.

"She wouldn't help me." He spoke more to himself than to Sarah.

"Who wouldn't help you Ezra?"

Ezra turned away from her and shut himself off and by doing so he put himself back into his memory. He heard the door open and his Uncle came down with a tray of food, he didn't even look at Ezra when he placed it at the bottom of the steps. Ezra knew that he wasn't going to let him out. He didn't yell at him anymore as his voice had become hoarse from all the shouting that he had already done. He sat in the corner as he had been doing for three weeks and watched his Uncle's back dissapear up the stairs. Ezra was now afraid that he was going to die here, that he was never going to get out, not even when his mother came for him - if she did. Each time she left him with someone he wasn't sure if she would come back for him. It had always been a shock when she did and he hoped that she would keep him with her but she never kept him for long. He remembered the longest time that he stayed with his mother was four months and that was because she couldn't find anyone to leave him with.

He knew that she never wanted him, he just wouldn't admit it to himself. He couldn't understand why she kept him though, why she didn't just leave him on a doorstep somewhere. He found out why when she first used him for a con. The tears fell but he made no sound to accompany them and he made not attempt to stop them, he couldn't even though he knew what his mother would think of him for allowing them to fall. He could hear Sarah's voice trying to break through again but he pushed it away. He wanted to block everything out but he couldn't. The fear wouldn't leave him, that was the worst thing as it made him feel so vulnerable and weak. He should have been able to control it and not let it control him as it was doing.

Ezra decided he had two choices, he either let this thing take his sanity or he took control. He decided on the latter. He needed his anger back or he wouldn't be able to do it. Ezra needed to lash out at something, anything but remembered that it would be the same as the other emotions that he wasn't allowed to show but he decided not to listen to his mother, if she didn't want him then he wasn't going to listen to her.

He had to shut emotions and the memory away, he had to get control of these feelings that were roaring through him at an uncontrolable rate and the only way to do it was to get back to the real world, if he stayed here he would drown in them. He tried to focus on the voice that he could hear in the distance, if he allowed it to bring him back then he would be able to gain control.

"Come on Ezra, I want to hear your voice, talk to me." Sarah called to him.

"I'm here there is no need to shout." He muttered. Ezra managed to find his way back thanks to Sarah's voice, now he needed to gain control over his emotions.

"Are you okay?" She asked him.

"I'm fine. I lost it there for a moment but I'm fine now." He could still feel himself shaking though and he fought harder to push it all to the back of his mind.

Ezra had nearly gained control when the cellar door opened, he jumped to his feet and was ready to fight for his life if his Uncle came for him. He concentrated on what he was seeing, three men came down the stairs, one of them with a lamp and he realised that he was still in the real world, he was still ready to fight for his life though as these men just gave him an opportunity to get out of his nightmare.

"Sarah stay behind me." Ezra quietly told her. He could feel her move behind him, he stepped towards the men.

"Were taking the woman with us." David told him.

"She's not going with you but you are going to let us out." Ezra growled at him, he could feel his anger as it finally returned to him.

"You are one stubborn SOB aren't you?" Mack lauged at Ezra.

"You are correct on both statements." Ezra took another step closer to them.

"Your staying put and she is going to help us get out of town. Seems your dissapearence has gathered a crowd so were leaving before they find us." David informed him and pointed his gun in Ezra's direction. "Mack get the woman."

Mack stepped forward and then around Ezra as he saw the look in his eyes, it wasn't fear that he saw anymore. When he looked away from him Ezra spun around and hit him in the kidney area and enjoyed his scream as it echoed through the cellar but the scream reminded him of his own. He shook it off and hit the man on the side of the head as he collapsed to the floor.

"Anymore and she's dead." David growled at him.

Ezra turned back around and saw that David had his arm wrapped around Sarah's throat, his gun against her forehead. Ezra hung his head, during his loss of concentration John had grabbed Sarah, if he didn't get control of himself he was going to end up getting her killed. "Mack, John go upstairs." He waited for them to leave. "I take it that you don't want to stay down here anymore." David smiled. "Well maybe I'll take you up on your first request and leave your corpse here."

Sarah watched as the gun passed by her face and she knew instantly that he was going to shoot. She pushed his arm away as the gun fired and screamed when she saw Ezra go down, she continued to scream as she was dragged up the stairs. Sarah's final image of Ezra was his body lying in an unmoving heap in the darkened cellar. The door was slammed shut behind them.

"What did you shoot him for?" Mack calmly asked him as he locked the cellar door again.

"He got me angry." David answered.

"I'm glad you got rid of your anger but those people out there would have heard it and they are going to be here any minute now!" Mack yelled at him.

"Then why are we still here?" John asked both of them.

"Maybe because you were to stupid to leave sooner." Chris Larabee answered him from the open doorway.

They had searched the town separately for the last half hour and still found no sign of Sarah or Ezra. Now they were in a group hoping that one of them would see something that the others missed. No one spoke as they did not want to miss any sort of noise that may let them know where their missing friends were. But they could not help but hear the gunshot that came from the empty house at the end of the street. They ran towards the sound but quietly entered the house to hear the men arguing, they also saw Sarah but Ezra was not in the room.

Three men turned to face the hired lawmen as they spreadout into the room, their guns covering all of them. The man holding Sarah pulled her in front of him using her body to protect his own.

"Were going to leave here." David growled at Chris. Had been taken by surprise when the six men entered the house, he had made a big mistake shooting the man in the cellar and now he was going to pay for it.

"No your not." Buck told him.

"Sarah is Ezra here?" Chris asked her.

"He's in the cellar, he shot him, I don't know if he's alive or not." She kept her hope alive as she did not want Ezra to die in a place that he was afraid of.

Six guns were suddenly cocked and aimed at David. "Drop the guns and let the lady go or all of you are dead."

"No, were leaving . . ." David began.

"This isn't up for discussion." Chris said coldly. "Nathan go and see to Ezra, Josiah you help him."

John and Mack dropped their guns, they didn't want to go back to jail but they didn't want to die either. David was the one that shot the guy and if he was dead then it was David who would hang not them.

"What are you doing?" He yelled at them.

"Where's the key to the cellar?" Josiah asked. Mack threw the key to Josiah and watched as he opened the door and then follow the other man down.

"Put your gun down." Chris told him. The scream that came from the cellar made David jump, Sarah felt his hold loosen so she pushed him away from her and at the same time allowed herself to fall to the floor, Chris shot the man in the right shoulder, and he fell to the ground in a bloody heap. The four gunmen didn't move, they stayed and kept the two men under cover and waited for the Nathan and Josiah to bring Ezra up to the room.

Ezra felt the bullet as it tore through his left shoulder, knocking him to the ground. He lay stunned for a moment as he realised that if Sarah hadn't pushed the gunman's arm up he would no longer be breathing, he would have died down here, he heard the cellar door close again and knew that he could still die down here. And this time he was on his own. Ezra tried to concentrate on the pain to stop himself from loosing control as the fear came back to him but it was beating him, he couldn't stop himself from curling up against the fear as it took control again. Ezra didn't even feel the pain in his shoulder anymore.

He heard shouting from above and knew that his Uncle was coming for him, he heard him unlock the door and saw the light as it was opened. Ezra didn't move away from him, he couldn't stop him from beating him even if he wanted to. He waited for the touch and couldn't stop the scream escaping form his mouth when he felt it on his shoulder.

"Ezra it's Nathan. Ezra?" Nathan couldn't get him to respond to him. "Ezra?" Nathan had come down the stairs first and he had seen Ezra lying in a ball on the ground, he thought he was dead but when he touched him the scream reached his ears. He tried to move him onto his back but Ezra wouldn't move. "I'm going to check him for a wound and then I want you to carry him out of here Josiah." Nathan did the worse thing that he could have done. He used his hands to squeeze Ezra's limbs looking for the gunshot wound, he found it high in Ezra's left shoulder. When he squeezed it Ezra cried out and violenty pushed Nathan away from him.

Ezra had been lying in the darkness of his room when his Aunt came in to take care of the injuries. He groaned at her touch as she squeezed harder than she needed to, when she pulled his skin as she stitched the wound on the side of his head and when she wrapped his broken ribs to tight. She had told him to shut up and stop making those noises as he had deserved what he got. He could feel someone moving their hands over his body now and then he screamed in agony as they squeezed his shoulder, he pushed whoever it was away.

Ezra noticed the light in the cellar as the pain had brought him back from the nightmare and he saw Josiah leaning over him, he looked around and saw Nathan coming towards him. "Get away from me Nathan." Ezra said this in a very calm voice and then struggled to get up. He felt Josiah's hands on him and he pushed him away. "Don't touch me." His voice was still calm.

"Ezra your hurt, sit down and let us take care of you." Josiah said to him.

"I don't need that kind of help." Ezra pushed past him and made his way to the stairs. At that moment the only thing that Ezra could feel were the punches and kicks that his Uncle gave him, he was aware of his surroundings but his mind wouldn't allow it to stop the repeat of the beating that he recieved.

"Ezra will you stop and let me look at your shoulder." Nathan made to grab his arm but stopped when he saw the blank stare that Ezra gave him.

"Don't touch me." Ezra told him as he felt the fist hit the left side of his face, cracking his cheekbone, his body jerked at the memory. Ezra used both arms to help him climb the steps as he didn't feel the pain in his shoulder. He pushed himself out of the cellar and saw Sarah, at least she was okay, he felt the large fist connect with the side of his head causing him to fall to the ground. Ezra walked past the shocked faces of his friends and out of the house. He ignored the sunshine and the fresh air and walked slowly down the street towards his room.

"What the hell is going on?" Chris asked Nathan as he came out of the cellar.

"I don't know Chris. Where is he?" Nathan needed to know, he had to go after him.

"He walked out. JD, Vin throw them in the cellar and then follow us." Chris ran out after the others and stopped as they did when they saw Ezra walking up the street. He looked so alone at that moment, his red jacket standing out agaist the dirt lined street. They ran after him not knowing that he was reliving the beating, feeling each punch and kick as the fists and feet connected with his small frail body.

Ezra could hear them running after him but he wasn't going to listen to them, he would only say what he had to to keep them away from him. He stopped and closed his eyes against the memory as his Uncle took a handfull of hair and waited for the impact of his head hitting the kitchen floor, he shuddered and then wrapped his arms around himself. Ezra opened his eyes and saw Chris standing in front of him, the others were at his side, including Sarah.

"Keep away from me Chris." Ezra continued to speak calmly. He flinched as he felt his Uncle break four of his ribs with his boot. Ezra knew that he had held back because if he didn't he would have forced those broken ribs into his lung. He walked around Chris and kept moving as the memory continued.

"Ezra you have been shot, you need Nathan to take care of your wound." Chris had seen the blood soaking Ezra's waist coat, he couldn't understand why he wasn't feeling any pain. Chris didn't know that Ezra was feeling pain, it was just a different pain, one from his past.

"I don't need Nathan to cause me anymore pain." Ezra bent over as he felt the pain tear through his back as his Uncle kicked him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he threw it off. "Don't touch me!" He yelled at Buck.

"Ezra, we want to help you. Will you please stop and let Nathan look at you." Buck pleaded with him.

"No." Ezra walked on, he turned into the main street and people began to see what was going on.

"We'll force you if we have to Ezra." Chris warned him.

"That Mr Larabee may cost someone their life." Ezra stared at him and Chris saw that Ezra's eye's held nothing but pain. He stood in front of Ezra and when he made to walk around him he moved to block him again. Ezra turned and walked the other way only to have Josiah block his escape. Ezra slowly turned around and as he felt his Uncle's fist hit his uninjured side, breaking another two ribs, he hit Chris and the force of his blow knocked him to the ground. He stepped over him and headed to the saloon again. Josiah helped him up as the others went after Ezra.

"You okay Chris?" Josiah asked him.

"He's going to crack Josiah and I don't know what he's going to do when he does." Chris went to go after him when Sarah's voice stopped him.

"It's got something to do with the cellar, he didn't like being in there." Sarah explained to them hoping that it would help.

Chris nodded and they ran to catch up to Ezra again, the others had tried to stop him but they didn't succeed. They followed Ezra into the saloon and expected him to go to his room but he headed to the bar and grabbed a bottle from behind it. He didn't even bother using a glass, he drank straight from the bottle. He then leaned over and placed his head on the bar as he felt his left ankle break under his Uncle's foot. He waited out the remaining punches and kicks, each of them would leave large bruises on his body. When his Uncle was finished there was not going to be a part of Ezra's body that was not covered by a bruise or an injury. Ezra threw the bottle against the wall and watched as the liquid ran down to the floor.

"JD, Nathan get everyone out of the saloon. Buck go and . . ."

"I'm not leaving him Chris." Buck told him.

"Vin?" Vin step forward. "Go and get Maude, I want her to see this." He watched as Vin ran out of the saloon and as JD and Nathan emptied it. Now they were the only ones in there. He nodded to Josiah and they both walked up to Ezra and stood next to him.

"Ezra will you please tell us what's wrong." Josiah kept his voice calm as he was feeling a lot of anger towards the person who had caused Ezra all this pain. He had never seen the gambler so emotionally broken before and it had shocked him. It also tore at his own heart to see him like this. "At least let Nathan look at your shoulder. Ezra you bleeding, it's dripping on the floor. Nathan needs to stop it or else you are going to bleed to death."

Ezra slowly stepped back and looked down, he could see the blood on his shirt and on the floor at the base of the bar. He saw his small pale body lying in the blood that had come from the wound on the back of his head. "Oh no." He groaned. He started to shake, he was loosing control again. All the feelings were now rushing back and he couldn't control them.

"Ezra?" Chris had to bend to look into Ezra's eyes as his head was bent down.

"He nearly killed me. Why?" Ezra asked Chris. "All I wanted was for him to leave me alone." Chris listened to what Ezra was saying, he heard the emotions in his voice, he waited for him to say more.

"You wanted to see me Mr Larabee." Maude called to him from the saloon doors. Chris watched as Ezra's face changed at the sound of his mother's voice. He knew that this would happen, he expected it. He wanted Ezra to be angry as he knew that it was the only way he would let it all out. If he was quiet as he was a moment ago he would only shut himself off to them. He needed Ezra to be angry but most of all he wanted Maude to see him when he did loose control.

"Sit down Maude, I think that Chris wants you to see what you have done to your son by not allowing him to show his emotions." Vin forced her into a chair.

"I do not wish to watch the show." Maude told him.

"Shut up mother." Ezra didn't turn to look at her.

"Ezra that is no way to talk to me, I am your mother." She spoke to him as she would have if he was a child.

"Your a mother who didn't want a child." Ezra spoke to her in a cold voice.

"That is not true." Maude defended herself.

Ezra ignored her, he didn't want anything to do with her anymore. He turned to make his way up to his room, he was tired and he wanted to sleep. Josiah stopped him. Ezra grimaced as he looked at the blood on his hands and saw his Uncle laughing at him as he lay in the blood. The blood had covered half of his body for two days, along with the dirt and smell of the cellar before his Aunt washed it off, she had only done it because the Doctor was coming. He could feel the hatred burning into his soul, it joined the fear and anger that was already there. Ezra didn't think that he could take anymore, he wanted a way out, he wanted it to stop. He wanted the same escape that he wanted then. He wanted to die, he thought that it was the only way to get rid of the pain that tore at his soul.

Ezra leaned towards Josiah and as he did he pulled the gun from Josiah's holster, he then stepped back until his his back hit the bar and he allowed himself to slide to the floor. Josiah didn't even realise that he had taken it. Everyone finally saw the gun as Ezra lifted it up.

"EZRA! NO!" Chris yelled at him.

"EZRA!" Buck ran forward.

"Don't come near me Buck." Ezra told him in a calm voice as he waved the gun in front of his eyes.

"Ezra, please don't do that." Ezra looked up at JD, for a fleeting moment he thought he saw concern. He looked away and saw his mother watching him. He couldn't read her expression as she was wearing her poker face.

"Will someone then tell me how else am I supposed to stop the pain and the memory?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"You could talk to us about it Ezra. You can tell us what happened." Josiah told him.

"Talking about it will only bring me pity." Ezra growled at him, he was beginning to feel angry. Chris was glad to hear the anger finally taking control, now they might be able to get somewhere with him.

"Ezra will you tell us what happened." Buck asked as he came forward and sat down in front of him. Ezra didn't seem to notice how close he had come.

"I don't want to talk about it Buck, don't any of you realise that it's bad enough that I have to relive it in here." Ezra tapped his head with a closed fist and they all grimaced at the amount of force that he used. Maude though continued to watch her son. The emotions were beginning to take control of her own mind. She had never seen her son like this before, he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand and she was worried sick that he was going to take his own life.

"It will help you if you talk about it Ezra." Chris told him. "It helped me when I talked to Buck about my families murder."

"You are not like me Chris, something that works for you may not work for me. What if it makes me feel worse, what if it doesn't stop the pain?"

"Were a lot more alike than you think Ezra. We may not have gotten on at first but I consider you a good friend and I care what happens to you and before you say it, yes I do trust you as well. With my life Ezra."

"We all think the same way Ezra." Vin told him. The others voiced their agreement.

Ezra looked down at the gun and then threw it back at Josiah, he knew that the way things were going at the moment that he would probably miss or even worse only injure himself and then Nathan would get his hands on him. "And what do you think mother. Is this pity or concern they are showing me? Are they lying when they say they care about me?" He looked away in disgust when she didn't answer him.

"Tell us what happened Ezra." Chris told him.

"I can't." Ezra grimaced as he felt the pain in his shoulder, he hadn't felt it before now.

"Why not?" Josiah wanted to know. Ezra was beginning to feel neauseas. He leant his head back and closed his eyes. He saw his Uncle's face and his eyes flew open again.

"I don't want to feel the pain anymore Josiah." Ezra pulled his jacket off as he was also starting to feel warm.

"Ezra will you let me look at your shoulder." Nathan could see that Ezra had lost a lot of blood, his waist coat was soaked with it. He was suprised that he hadn't passed out yet.

"No, you'll only hurt me like she did." Ezra tried to stand up but he sat back down again.

"Who's she?" Nathan asked him. Ezra didn't answer.

"Why don't you tell us why you didn't want to be in the cellar?" Chris asked him.

Ezra looked up at Sarah, she returned his stare. "I'm sorry Ezra, they needed to know."

Ezra pushed himself up off the floor with the intention of going to his room, the three men who were sitting around him stood up as well and they intended to stop him. Ezra stepped towards Josiah with a new found strength as the anger began to take control again. They were trying to force him to talk about something that he wanted to forget. He knew that if talked about it he would only feel more pain, he'd had enough of that.

"Josiah move out of my way, I want to go to my room."

"No Ezra, your not going anywhere until you talk about it. Your Uncle beat you and the memory of it is tearing you apart, you need to get it out of your system, you need to talk about it."

"I don't need to talk about it, I need to forget it but you won't let me, none of you will." He was raising his voice now as the anger was becoming stronger.

"Did he use his feet Ezra or did he use his fists?" Chris asked him. "You were only twelve Ezra and he nearly killed you." Chris was trying to push him now that his anger was growing. He still didn't know what he was going to do when he cracked but he couldn't leave him like this. Only ten minutes ago he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand. He wasn't going to leave him in that state.

"Apparently I deserved it." Ezra told him.

"No child deserves a beating like that Ezra." Buck growled at him, his own anger was building at Ezra's stubborness and his refusal to talk about it.

"You said before that he did it because you wanted to be alone." Chris reminded him.

Ezra looked down at the floor as he thought about his Uncle throwing him in the cellar because he wanted to be alone. He couldn't help but laugh. He received a beating because he wanted to be alone and yet he continued to ask the same thing of people.

"Ezra tell us what happened." Buck said calmly.

"I am not going to go through that again so stop asking me to. I told you before that you were hurting me just as much as they did so will you please live it alone. I don't want to feel the pain anymore!" Ezra practically yelled at him. He tried to get to the stairs that led to his room but Josiah stopped him. Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms. "Let go of me Josiah." He could feel his grip tighten on his arms and he felt the pain in his shoulder worsen. "Your hurting me, let go!"

"I'm sorry Ezra." Josiah let go of his arms but didn't move away from him.

Ezra turned away from him and tried to move to the saloon's exit, Buck stood before him. "Tell us what happened Ezra." Buck repeated in a stronger tone. Ezra could feel his world collapsing around him, he had to get away from these people, they wouldn't let the pain leave him, they kept it there in his mind. He turned away from Buck and saw Chris. He was surrounded.

"Damn it Ezra, tell us what happened!" Buck yelled at him.

Ezra cracked, his anger took control and he let it out. "Fine!" He yelled back as he walked up to Buck. "You want to know what happened, I'll tell you what happened!" He continued to yell and they all listened, even Maude. "He was going to beat me because I spilt my milk onto the table." They watched as Ezra's body began to shake. "I asked him to leave me alone so he did!" He couldn't stop yelling, he was too angry. "He threw me in the cellar with the rats and he left me there for a month and when he finally let me out he beat me so badly I had to spend two months in a bed!"

Ezra stood in front of Buck, his body shaking as he waited for a response. "I'm sorry Buck, did I say something that I shouldn't have, did I say the wrong thing. Isn't that what you wanted to hear." Ezra's voice was full of sarcasm. "I am only asking as I seemed to have shocked you into a state of silence." Ezra looked around at the others. They didn't know what to say, they expected him to say something about the beating, not that he was kept in a cellar for a month. They understood now.

"Doesn't anyone have anything to say!" He yelled at the group. "I didn't think so!" He walked towards the stairs and straight into Josiah again.

"I'm sorry Ezra but we are shocked." Josiah told him.

"Get the hell out of my way!" The anger and hatred had erupted and Ezra was letting it out and he was aiming it at his friends. He didn't feel the pain in his shoulder anymore and he didn't feel weak from the loss of blood that he suffered, all he felt was the anger and hatred that had taken control of his mind.

"Ezra your not finished, you have more to tell us." Josiah spoke calmly.

"I just told you what you wanted to know, there is nothing else to say." Ezra's voice was cold.

"You said they, you also said she. Someone else did something as well didn't they?" Everyone held their breath as Josiah spoke to Ezra. They could see that Ezra was seething with anger.

"Get out of my way!" Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms and turned Ezra's back to him, he then wrapped his arms around him, holding Ezra's arms against his chest and held him tight. He knew that he was hurting Ezra's shoulder but he also knew that Ezra needed to let it all out, he hadn't even started.

"Let go of me!" Ezra spat at him as he tried to get away from Josiah's grip.

"No Ezra." Josiah was surprised by Ezra's strength, he held on tighter. Everyone watched what Josiah was doing. He was holding Ezra against his chest in a hug, he was giving him the touch of concern that Ezra despised so much. He was hugging him and he wasn't going to let him go. Ezra though was fighting him as though his life depended on it.

"Josiah, please let me go." He continued to struggle. He didn't understand what Josiah was doing. Ezra kicked back and felt his boots connecting with Josiah's shins but the grip didn't loosen. "Josiah . . ." Ezra felt his own struggles weaken as his anger started to leave him, he didn't want it to leave, he tried one last attempt to keep the anger at the surface but it was fading fast, he felt the tears begin to replace the anger, tears that he didn't want to fall. He stopped struggling and allowed his head to fall to his chest as the tears wracked his already shaking body.

Josiah felt the anger leave Ezra's body as it was replaced by the tears and he knew that Ezra's knees were beginning to buckle as he felt his arms take more of the gambler's weight so Josiah lowered him to a sitting position on the floor. Without letting him go he turned him around and hugged him closer making sure that his head was against his shoulder. Josiah placed his hand on Ezra's head and held him tight. He could feel Ezra's chest heaving and his hot tears as they soaked his own shirt. Josiah felt a tear fall down his own face but didn't make any effort to wipe it away as he didn't want to let go of Ezra.

Buck wiped his own face and moved forward, he sat down on the floor next them and placed his arm around Ezra's shaking shoulders. "Let it out Ezra, let it all out."

Ezra couldn't stop the tears as he also realised that these men did care for him, he could feel it in their touch and hear it in their voice's. His mother was wrong, if they pitied him, they would not be going through all this trouble to help him. He also knew that his mother was watching but that thought did not stop the tears. He had never felt so much pain as he did now. His chest ached as it constricted and heaved with the tears, his head hurt as he struggled to stop the emotions.

Nathan also began to move forward as he hoped that he could now take care of Ezra's shoulder but Vin stopped him. "Wait Nathan, let him finish on his own first. Then you can fix him up."

"Okay Vin but I'm not going to leave him for to much longer, else he's going to bleed to death." Nathan agreed with him.

Vin looked across at JD and could see the emotions building on the young man's face, he walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder. "He should be okay now JD, I know it looks bad but it's what he needs." He watched as JD nodded but could tell that his words hadn't sunk in yet.

Chris clenched his fists as he watched what Josiah was doing, he listened to Ezra as he broke down and he actually felt his own heart breaking. If someone had told him six months ago that he would feel like this he would have hit them. He turned and looked at Maude. Her face showed no emotion as she watched her son shed his tears and he couldn't believe the sight of Josiah hugging Ezra as he cried didn't move her. Ezra was her son and she seemed to be feeling nothing. He walked over to the table and grabbed her by her arm and pulled her from her chair, he then took her closer to Ezra.

"Look at him Maude." He made sure that she was looking. "You are just as responsible for this as Jack was." He saw her mouth begin to open in protest. "You didn't hit him but you did leave him there. You told him not to show his emotions, you told him not to talk about things and that is hurting him as much as that beating did." Chris pulled her away and stood facing her. "This is happening because he shut everything away and it has been tearing him up inside. This is just as much your doing as it was his Uncle's." He waited for an answer, anything to show that she did care but she said nothing. "Get the hell out of here, I don't want you anywhere near Ezra."

"He's my son, I don't want to leave him." Maude allowed the tears to fall from her eyes. They were real, she was crying for her son.

"You left him all his life so it shouldn't be any trouble for you to do so now." Chris growled at her. "Get out!"

"Would you at least let me come back later and talk to him?" She asked Chris.

"Only if he wants to see you." Chris turned his back on her and listened to her footsteps as she left. He could hear them because Ezra had become quiet. Chris moved closer and knelt down next to Josiah and saw Ezra's glassy stare and then his eyelids fluttered closed.

Ezra finally got the tears under control. He could feel Josiah's hand against his head and made no effort to have him remove it, he also felt someone's arm on his shoulders and he allowed that to stay as well. He could feel the comfort and he was able to grab hold of it and keep it in his grip. This was what he wanted all his life but he hadn't taken it when it was offered because his mother convinced him that it was pity. But not anymore, he took it and he wasn't going to let go this time. He saw Chris in front of him and then allowed himself to fall into the dark void that had been on the edge of his mind waiting for it's turn.

Chris placed his hand on the side of Ezra's face. "Nathan." He didn't move away when Nathan joined them, he watched as he checked Ezra's pulse and then nod to Joisah. They all stood up together, Josiah with Ezra still in his arms and they began to walk to Nathan's room. Chris finally saw that Mary had joined Sarah in the saloon, he had been so caught up in what was happening that he hadn't seen her come in.

"If there is anything that we can do for Ezra, please let us know Chris." Mary told him as he passed them. Chris smiled at her and then followed the others.

Once they reached the clinic Josiah placed Ezra on the bed and then helped Nathan remove his blood soaked clothing and the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs as it had also soaked up the blood. He cleaned the wound and washed the blood off Ezra's chest. Once he stitched the wound he decided to remove the other stitches that had helped the knife wounds heal. He did this now while Ezra was unconscious so he didn't have to do it when he was awake. He didn't know how he was going to be when he woke up, none of them did. Once he had done that he wiped the dry tears from Ezra's face and then stepped back and watched him as everyone else did.

"Do you think he might talk about it when he comes round?" Buck asked anybody.

"I don't know Buck but let's hope that he does." Chris answered him.

"I can understand why he didn't want to remember it." Josiah spoke quietly. "Why would a man put a child in a cellar for a month and then nearly beat him to death." It wasn't a question as he knew that no one would have an answer.

"Chris, do you think that Ezra was really going to do it?" JD saw Chris frown at the question. "Shoot himself with Josiah's gun."

"I don't know JD. I really don't know but I would like to find out."

"I've never seen anyone break down like that before." JD didn't know how to deal with what he had witnessed.

"He's been holding it in for twenty years JD, what did you expect? Did you think he was just going to say something and then be fine." Buck growled at him.

"Take it easy Buck." Vin told him.

"I'm sorry JD." Buck hit his arm so he knew that it was okay.

They all held their breaths as they heard a moan from the bed and watched as Ezra rolled his head a few times and then settled again. "He's dreaming again." Nathan informed them. He went back to the bed and felt Ezra's forehead for the fever that he knew would start due to the new wound. Ezra moved his head away from the touch. "Nothing seems to have changed."

"It will take time Nathan." Josiah told him. "He has to heal on the inside as well."

"I think that we should get comfortable as we are going to be here a while." Nathan told them.

No one left the room as Ezra remained unconscious for the next six hours. A fever had started after three hours but it hadn't become serious. They watched as he continued to fight the dreams that plagued him and as they watched they each tried to think of what they were going to say to Ezra when he did wake up.

Chris had taken his turn in the chair that sat next to Ezra when his eyes opened. Ezra looked around the room and saw everyone who was there was watching him. He moaned as he remembered what happened and closed his eyes again. "I must apologise for my outburst earlier."

"You needed to let it out Ezra so there is no need to apologise for it. We were glad that you did it." Chris told him as he reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ezra didn't move away or ask him to remove it. Chris smiled at the others. "You feel like talking about it at all."

"I wouldn't know where to start." Ezra muttered as he kept his eyes closed.

"Try the beginning Ezra." Joisah told him as he came forward.

"Could I have some water first?" After he drank some water with herbs for the fever Ezra began to tell them what happened. "I only asked him to leave me alone, I didn't know he was going to throw me into the cellar. How was I supposed to know he was going to do that."

"You couldn't have known Ezra." Josiah sat on the bed next to him.

"Four weeks he left me there, four weeks. I was terrified that I was going to die down there." Ezra rolled over on to his right side. "Four weeks." He muttered. "Out of those four weeks I only saw him six times and that was when he brought me food and water."

"How did you manage to keep count of the time you were in there?" Chris asked him.

"There was a small window, to small for me to get through and to dirty to let all the light through but enough for me to tell night from day." Ezra explained.

"When he did come for me I wasn't sure whether I should have been happy or not because of the look in his eyes. He always had that look when he was about to beat me." Ezra opened his eyes allowing the tears to fall. "He did a good job of it to."

Chris got off the chair and knelt down in front of him. "How bad was it Ezra?"

"It took them three days to call a Doctor and that was because they thought that I was going to die. My Aunt dealt with my wounds. She caused me as much pain as he did. She squeezed until I screamed, pulled on the stitches and reset my ankle three times, saying that she didn't do it right." Ezra shuddered at the thought. "Nathan?"

"I'm here Ezra." Nathan came closer to him.

"I'm sorry I always got angry at you."

"That's okay Ezra, I understand why you don't like it when I fix your wounds." Nathan hung his head as he thought of all the times he had caused Ezra pain. He felt guilty about it.

"Its not your fault Nathan, you didn't know." Nathan looked up and saw Ezra looking at him and he knew that he had read his expression.

"Did you tell the Doctor what happened?" Buck asked him.

"They had already told him that some ranch hands did it." Ezra smiled. "He wouldn't have believed me anyway as he knew my mother. The Doctor told me that I had a cracked cheek bone, six broken ribs, a serious head wound and a broken ankle and that the rest of my body was covered in bruises."

"Damn." Chris muttered.

"It took me two months to heal and you know what he did as soon as I was able to get out of my sick bed." Ezra closed his eyes, he was beginning to tire and he knew that he would be asleep within minutes. "He beat me because he had to do my chores for those three months."

Ezra fell back to sleep but this time it was a peaceful sleep as his mind and heart had begun it's journey to heal it's self.

Two hours later Vin answered the gentle knock at the door and found Mary and Sarah carrying two trays of food. He opened the door wider as they came into the room. "We thought that you could all do with something to eat." Mary told them.

"You read my mind Mary." Buck smiled at her.

"I take it that Mr Standish is feeling better." Sarah observed and returned the smile.

"He's going to be alright." Josiah told them. "He talked about what happened. He'll still have to go through the healing process but we'll be there for him. He won't be alone."

"That's wonderful news." Mary didn't want to tell them when they were in such a good mood.

"Is there something wrong Mary?" Chris knew the look.

"Maude's demanding to see Ezra."

"She'll have to wait." Mary nodded in understanding.

"It's alright Chris, I'll see her." Ezra told him.

"Ezra I wish you would stop doing that." Buck said to him as a large smile formed on his face.

"And what is it that I do?" Ezra asked him as he opened his eyes, he felt like a great burden had been lifted from his mind and he knew that it wasn't going to return so he didn't mind playing Buck's game.

"You keep waking up without letting us know first." Buck was so relived to hear the old Ezra coming back but he was also going to be different, things had changed for him and the change was for the better.

"One of my many talents." Ezra smiled weakly. The others saw it and smiled back at him, they just hoped that the smile was still going to be there after he spoke to his mother.

"Are you sure Ezra?" Chris didn't want him seeing Maude unless he was ready.

"I have to see her sometime, so it may as well be now." Ezra tried to push himself up and when he couldn't he accepted Nathan and Vin's help.

"She's waiting outside." Mary told Ezra. She saw a look of doubt cross his face. "I could ask her to come back later if you want Ezra."

"No, I want to get it over with."

"We'll be outside Ezra if you need us." Chris told him.

"Chris could you stay please." He returned Chris's surprised stare. "I don't have the strength to throw her out so someone should be here to do that."

Everyone else stepped outside to find Maude sitting on the bench. She got up quickly, the hope showing on her face. She wanted to see Ezra, she needed to apologise for leaving him with his Uncle.

Josiah stood in front of her. "Ten minutes Maude, he needs his rest."

"Thankyou Josiah." She smiled up at him but his next words took the smile away.

"Don't you dare say anything that will hurt him Maude because if you do you will be answering to all of us, not just Chris. Do you understand me?" Maude nodded and walked slowy into the room.

Chris stood to the side of the room, he was going to stay out of the way. He would only interrupt if Ezra needed him. He saw the poker face that Maude was wearing and he looked at Ezra expecting to see the same thing but he didn't, Ezra was allowing his emotions to be visible to his mother.

"How are you feeling Ezra?" She asked him as she made her way to the bed. She could see how pale he was.

"I feel like I have been torn apart and then put back together." Ezra stared at her as she sat down on the bed. "What do you want mother."

"I did want you Ezra, you were my only child, I just wasn't the motherly type. I never was and probably would never be but I did want you."

"It's going to take a lot more than that to convince me." Ezra told her, he didn't know whether to believe her or not.

"I'm sorry Ezra, if I had known I never would have left you with them, I would have found someone else to take care of you." Maude saw the anger that crossed her son's handsome face.

"He wasn't the only one mother, there were others, they just weren't as bad as he was." Ezra admitted it even though Chris was in the room. "It wouldn't have mattered who you left me with, they all treated me badly in their own way."

"I'm sorry Ezra but I didn't have a choice, I had to take care of us, we needed the money to live. I had to give them money to look after you. Most of them didn't have the money to feed or clothe you."

"You paid them to look after me." Ezra was shocked as he had never known that. She paid them money and yet they still treated him the way they did.

"I didn't pay them, I gave them money to help buy food and clothing for you. There's a difference." Maude told him.

"Doesn't sound like there was any difference to me." Chris said from across the room.

Maude ingnored him. "Ezra could we talk alone."

"No. What about the pity? Why did you bring me up to think that people would not care for me, that they would only pity me?"

"It's part of our trade Ezra, if you got to close to people you wouldn't be able to do your job so I had to teach you not to get close, to stay away from people." Maude took a deep breath. "I don't regret any of it Ezra. You went through a bad stage the last few days but I know you will get back on your feet and be yourself again."

"No I won't mother." Chris frowned. "I am not going to shut my friends out anymore. I learnt today that they do care, they don't pity me like you do." Chris smiled at Ezra. "There my family now."

"Ezra you don't mean that." Maude was beginning to get angry. "I am your mother."

"And you always will be but your not going to control my life anymore."

"If that's what you wish." Maude put her own defences up. "I will be leaving on tomorrow's stage Ezra. If you wish to say goodbye to me please let me know."

"Goodbye mother."

Maude looked at her son and knew that he was a changed man and that there was nothing that she was going to be able to do about it. These men had changed him. "Goodbye Ezra." She got up and left the room.

Ezra sighed and leaned back into pillow. He could sense Chris coming towards him. "You okay Ezra?"

"No but give me some time and I will be."

Chris could read Ezra's expression as he still wasn't wearing his poker face. "Ezra I just need to ask you one thing. It's been bugging me and I need to get if off my chest."

"What do you want to know?" Ezra closed his eyes, he was feeling tired again.

"In the saloon when you took Josiah's gun," Chris hesitated, "were you going to use it on yourself."

"No I wasn't." Ezra lied. "I just wanted to keep you away from me."

The End

If you liked this story then please let me know.

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