The sun began to drive the darkness away allowing a new day to dawn in Four Corners, the light invaded the homes of the town's occupants, forcing them from their beds to begin another day in their lives. Some were grateful for the early intrusion while others were not, they muttered abusively at the light that coerced it's way into their minds causing their moods to become sombre.

One of the present occupant's of the healer's clinic had already woken while it was still dark so he was not affected by the light of day as it ventured through the window into the small room. The larger man rose from his seat, placed his hands on his lower back and stretched the morning stiffness out before he made his way to the window, he drew the fine cottened curtin across it, cutting off the direct sunlight. The weakened light still managed to force it's way through the material as though it had every intention of awakening the sleeping occupant that was in the large bed.

The man quietly walked back to the chair that faced the person that lay unmoving underneath the heavy bedcover that had been placed back over him only hours before. The smaller man in the bed had thrown it off after suffering another one of his recurring nightmares which the man in the chair could do nothing to stop.

He sat back down in the chair and froze when it screamed in protest, when no movement came from the bed he melted into the chair allowing himself to slide further down into it so he could lean his head against the back of the seat. He began to tire and he felt his eyes begin to close and quickly opened them again. Even when he wasn't taking his turn sitting with the gambler, he didn't sleep because he was to busy worrying about his friend, it had been two weeks since the potion had left his system but it had taken time before he got his strength back and now he was having nightmares again. He silently wondered if his friend would ever have the peaceful life that he so well deserved.

He looked up at the door to the clinic when he saw the small splinter of light fall across the room and onto the bed revealing the pale face that was ignorant to the waking world, the light didn't last long as it withdrew quickly when the door was closed against it. The dark clad gunslinger walked into the room, his eyes first taking in the still form in the bed and then the quiet man in the chair.

"How did he sleep last night Josiah?" Chris whispered because he didn't want to wake the man that was still sleeping.

Josiah didn't answer him, he just shook his head, it was a small movement that told the gunslinger what he needed to know. Ezra hadn't slept well. Chris inwardly sighed and looked into Josiah's concerned eyes knowing that they mirrored what his own eyes were showing. He walked to the second chair that was in the room and sat down heavily, wincing at the sound that he had made.

The light began to shine more brightly within the room and there was nothing that Josiah could do to allow the darkness to stay so Ezra could continue his much needed slumber. He got up out of the chair a second time and moved towards the bed, he looked down at the now peaceful expression on Ezra's face and gently pulled the cover up hiding the slack features from the advancing light, hoping that it would keep the intruder away just a bit longer.

Ezra could feel himself leaving the dark peaceful void that he was finally able to use to hide from his dreams, nightmares though was the more appropriate term. He didn't want to leave the reprieve that it gave him, he tried to stay as long as he could but his grip wasn't strong enough, it pushed him away as the darkness behind his eyes grew lighter. He also knew that if he did wake up he would have to face the real world again, he was finding it difficult to get through the daylight hours because his waking world was just as bad as his nightmares.

Ezra had listened as his friends tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't feel guilty about what happened but he couldn't stop the blame or the guilt from weighing heavily on his mind and he in turn tried to convince Buck that he was not to blame. Neither party succeeded in their attempts to alleviate the blame and guilt that the two were feeling.

The gambler squeezed his eyes tighter but the light was still there, he sighed and opened them, but the weight of a sleepless night caused them to close again. He was glad that Nathan was finally allowing him to go back to his own room, the curtains that covered his window were heavy and they did a more proficient job of blocking out the morning light than the flimsy material that covered the clinic's window.

His eyes opened again after a few more minutes and this time they stayed open. He looked up at the blanket that was causing his lungs to take in stale air, he threw the heavy blanket off and took in a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air as it replaced the stale air in his lungs.

"Morning Ezra." Josiah didn't bother trying to hide the concern that he felt, he knew Ezra could read people and he would see the concern no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"Josiah." Ezra rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and then pushed himself up into a sitting position, this was when he noticed that Chris was also in the room watching him. "Chris."

"Ezra." Was all Chris could say, he saw the dark circles under his friends eyes that were caused by his lack of sleep.

Ezra hid a yawn behind his hand and leant his head against the headboard, he was comfortable with the silence that was in the room and hoped that the others were also because he didn't want to talk. It was to early in the morning to do anything.

"You want some breakfast Ezra?" Josiah broke the silence that had filled the room.

"Josiah, you know I don't eat this early in the day." Ezra reminded him.

"Coffee then?" He tried again, he constantly tried to get Ezra to eat something, he didn't eat enough lately. He took Ezra's smile as a yes. "I'll go get some then." He stood up and walked to the bed and again looked down at Ezra but this time he looked into the green eyes. "You sure you don't want anything to eat Ezra?"

"I'm sure Josiah. Just coffee thanks." Ezra watched as the quiet preacher frowned down at him. "Don't worry, I'll eat some lunch later." He saw the doubt in the eyes. "Honest, I'll eat something later."

"Promise me." Josiah smiled wickedly at him.

"Promise." Ezra agreed.

Josiah smiled down at him and rubbed the top of Ezra's head with his hand. "You want coffee too Chris?"

"Sure why not." Chris couldn't help but notice the expression on Ezra's face when Josiah had rubbed his head in a fatherly fashion, he was grateful that Josiah didn't see it. The scowl wasn't pleasant. They all knew that Josiah had become a lot closer to Ezra because of what had happened over the last month, that he now hoped that he could be the father figure that Ezra had never had but Chris wasn't so sure that Ezra wanted a father figure.

Josiah left the room that was once again in silence and shut the door behind him. Chris turned his gaze from the closing door to the quiet man in the bed.

"You know he's only trying to help you don't you Ezra?"

"I know Chris but he's going into a direction that I don't want or need at the moment."

"Want me to talk to him?" Chris didn't really want to but they wanted things to be easy for Ezra, he didn't need any more complications in his life.

"No, once I'm out of this bed things will be easier, he won't feel the need to smother me when I'm back on my feet."

"You hope." Chris saw Ezra's confusion. "Your nightmares, there still worrying him and the rest of us Ezra." Chris said with concern.

"Yeah well, they sort of have me worried too but I can't get them to stop." Ezra looked down at his hands as he began to fidget. "What I did to everyone keeps going over and over in my mind, except in my dreams I do more."

"It wasn't your fault Ezra." Chris told him again, he'd forgotten how many times he had told him this, they all had but it didn't help him. Chris waited for him to change the subject but he didn't.

"I know that Chris but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about hurting Casey and Josiah and that man I nearly killed." He lifted his head and saw Chris's blues staring at him, he saw the understanding and concern that they held. "What if I had killed them Chris, what then?"

"But you didn't Ezra so you shouldn't even be thinking about that, you should be dealing with what did happen, not what could have happened."

"I can't stop thinking about what I could have done Chris, it's all I think about." Ezra lowered his eyes again as he felt the guilt and shame flow through him. "I haven't even dealt with what happened with my Aunt and Uncle, now I have to deal with this as well. It's too much."

Chris stood up and walked to the bed and sat down next to his troubled friend. "It's not too much when you let your friends help you Ezra."

"Thanks Chris."

"That's what friends . . ."

"I mean for everything Chris, you and the rest of the guys have done a lot for me. No one else has ever gone to the trouble to help me like you guys do, no one ever cared about me before I came here. I wasn't use to it, I couldn't accept, I pushed you all away but instead of letting me do that you just pushed back and I'm really grateful for it Chris."

"I had my own moments though Ezra, I didn't treat you right, I mistrusted you, didn't like you for a while but you changed and we saw the man that was inside, the one that always wanted to get out but the habits that your mother taught you stopped him but your here now and were also grateful for that. Your a good man Ezra and I'm glad to call you a friend, hell, family even."

"Thanks Chris."

"Your welcome Ezra." Chris smiled at him. "So does this mean we should hug now."

Ezra couldn't help himself, he leaned forward and gave Chris a hug, he felt the warmth of his body and the beating of his heart, he enjoyed the comfort and was no longer going to refuse it when it was offered. He thought of the hugs that his mother gave him and they now felt cold to him, as though it was something that she had to do, he never felt her warmth or her heartbeat. He didn't realise that a real hug could mean so much to him.

"Thanks Chris." Ezra said for a third time, he didn't think he could say it enough, he didn't think that these men would truly know what they had done for him, what it all meant to him. For the first time in his life he felt as though he had a home and a family who cared for him. And he liked it.

Josiah made his way down the steps that led away from the clinic, his heavy footsteps imitating how his heart felt. He reached the bottom of the stairs and turned his pale eyes back up towards the clinic door as though he could see the tortured soul that was hidden behind it, he couldn't stop the memory of Ezra's nightmare from repeating in his own mind, he could still hear the guilt in his words, he remembered the fear that revealed itself in his breathing when he thought that he had killed Casey, the tears had fallen from Ezra's eyes once more at the thought of hurting the man who had done so much to help him deal with his past.

He wanted to do more for Ezra but knew he couldn't push him, he would have to tread carefully where the gambler was concerned. Ezra had changed a lot over the last month, he now fully accepted their friendship, their concern and most of all their touch but he didn't want to push his friend to far, he didn't want to take him into a direction that he wasn't yet sure that he wanted to go. Josiah wanted to know about Ezra's father but decided to wait for an opportunity to bring the subject up in conversation, he knew that now wasn't the right time for it.

The ex-preacher walked the short distance to the saloon knowing that Vin and Buck would be there with the coffee already made, he could feel the strength of the sun as it's warmth beat down on him, proving that it was going to be another warm day. Josiah returned the greetings that he received from the townsfolk and smiled at those who just scowled at him, their mood sombre because of the early morning, Ezra wasn't the only person in Four Corners who hated getting up at the same time as the ascending sun.

He knew the residents of Four Corners were curious as to what had happened to the local gambler but a real explanation hadn't been given to them yet. Young Ricky Blair had done his best to help Ezra, he had told his friends that Mr Standish had stopped a man from beating him and they went home to repeat the story to their mothers, the gossip was then spread through town but it hadn't answered the question of why he had hit Josiah Sanchez.

Josiah pushed opened the saloon doors and allowed them to swing shut behind him, he stood in the doorway for a moment and looked around the near empty room until his gaze fell upon the faces staring back at him. He made his way along the unswept floor to the table which seated his friends. Lamps had been lit to make the corner of the room brighter, the sun was yet to reach the area where they were sitting. As he got closer to the table the false light exposed the concerned expressions the other four hired lawmen held.

"Ezra sleep alright?" The usually quiet bounty hunter asked Josiah as he sat down in the empty chair that Vin had pulled up for him.

"No."

Buck Wilmington who was sitting on Vin's right, a warm cup of coffee occupying his hands, nodded in understanding, he hadn't been sleeping to well himself lately, he had his own nightmares but he wasn't going to tell the others about them, they had to take care of Ezra first, when they had done that then he would talk to either Chris or Josiah about his own dreams.

Josiah looked over at Buck, he noticed as his eyes took on a distant look before they turned away from him. "What about you Buck? Did you sleep okay?"

Buck choked on his coffee, much to young JD's amusement. JD slapped him on the back, harder than what was actually necessary but stopped his hand in mid air when Buck glared at him, he hadn't found it amusing. He wiped the spilt coffee out of the mustache that his upper lip held and stared back at Josiah. "I slept fine. Why?"

"Buck we have only just managed to get Ezra to open up, I don't want you to take his place." Josiah leaned forward, placing his arms on the table in front of him. "We know that your having nightmares too."

"Okay, I am but we can talk about it later, take care of Ezra first." He thought they didn't know about his dreams and was shocked to find that they did. "Does Ezra know? I don't want him worrying about me, he has enough to deal with."

"No he doesn't Buck." Josiah allowed the concern to show through his voice. "But he will, you won't be able to hide it from him."

"I know, I know." Buck rubbed his tired eyes with his hand and then drank from his still steaming cup hoping that the warm liquid would drive away the tiredness that he was feeling.

"Maybe you could talk to each other about your dreams." Josiah suggested.

"I'll think about it Josiah but somehow I don't think my dreams could compare to what Ezra's going through."

"You sound just like Ezra, Buck." JD flinched back from Buck as he leaned towards him with an expression that told him to shut up but he continued with his large smile and friendly jibes to lighten the mood of the small group of men. "Stubborn, moody, stubborn."

"JD you forgot to mention stubborn." Vin added.

"Yeah well, he learnt from the best." Buck smiled.

"His mother." JD chuckled.

"Is there any coffee left?" Josiah asked the group. "Ezra and Chris want some."

"What about breakfast?" Nathan frowned at him. He had stayed quite during the conversation but his instinct to help others was brought to the surface when Josiah voiced his question. He had been able to force Ezra to eat when he was in a weakened state but it had become more difficult as the man became stronger. He had begun to refuse to eat breakfast, even lunch, he had gone most days without eating until the evening and even then it wasn't a lot.

"Sorry Nathan but he didn't want any."

"We'll see about that! I am tired of trying to help that man only to have him throw it back in my face." Nathan stood up but Josiah grabbed his arm.

"Take it easy Nathan, he promised me that he would eat something for lunch." Josiah said soothingly as he tried to calm the healer down.

"No I won't take it easy." Nathan growled. "Ezra would have been out of that bed days ago if he had eaten more. Why can't I get it through his stubborn head that it's for his own good? Why won't he listen to me?" Nathan threw his hands up in the air, showing the agitation that he felt towards the gambler and stormed out of the saloon.

The remaining members of the group sat in silence, the only sound being made by the still swinging saloon doors that Nathan had slammed against the wall on his way out. They watched the doors until they stopped their forced movement, no longer showing the anger that the healer had felt, the silence and tension in the room became thick enough to slice. Josiah coughed and the others looked towards the reason for the silence being broken.

"Guess I'll go make that coffee now." Josiah told them as he rose from his chair, he took his time though because he didn't want to be in the clinic while Nathan was still angry.

Nathan made it the bottom of the stairs, he stopped and looked up at the door, he began to pace back and forth muttering to himself, the heat already causing the sweat to run down his back. He didn't want to be angry when he spoke to Ezra, he had to be calm, if he was angry Ezra would become even more stubborn and then talk his way out of it with him agreeing to every word the gambler said. He had to stay on top of the situation or he would loose, again.

He ignored the amused looks that his rambling received from the townsfolk who were passing by, the main street was becoming crowded as more people rose from their beds. He finally stopped his pacing, took a deep breath while he stared at the wooden door and then calmly walked up the stairs and entered the clinic that he called home.

Ezra had removed himself from Chris's warm embrace and leant back down against the bedhead, he could still feel the heart warming feeling that it gave him and he held onto it as long as he could. It was a feeling that he had never had before, it was a feeling of friendship, of family and he now welcomed it with open arms. When it finally began to fade from his soul he looked back up at Chris and smiled, the dimples that made his appearence even more handsome forming on his pale face.

The smile instantly dropped from the gambler's face though as the light once again invaded the room through an opened doorway, he looked up to see Nathan's angry form silhouetted within the doorframe, making an interesting contrast to the light making it's way around him. He knew that something was wrong, the expression on Nathan's face told him this, anger showed in his eyes. Ezra looked across at Chris hoping that he was going to protect him against Nathan's wrath but his expression told him that he was on his own.

Nathan moved to the bed and sat down, his eyes never straying from Ezra's confused gaze. He smiled at him and watched as the confusion grew.

"Chris could you please go and get Ezra some breakfast." Nathan kept his eyes on Ezra as he spoke, he saw Ezra's mouth open to speak but it was quickly shut again.

"Anything special Ezra?" Chris didn't even try to hide the amusement that he was feeling.

"I don't want anything." Ezra finally found the voice that had left him only moments before.

"You eat or you don't leave here today!" Nathan growled down at him. He felt relief when there was no show of fear in his friends eyes at the thought of having to stay in the clinic longer. Ezra now knew that he had no intentions of hurting him or keeping him longer than was necessary, the fear of being shut in the clinic had finally left him, Nathan only wished that the stubborness that the gambler had would also leave but he knew that wouldn't happen, it was a personality trait that would stay with him.

"I'm not hungry Nathan." Ezra stated simply.

"Your not hungry because you don't eat, you no longer have an appetite. I've had enough of you ignoring my orders Ezra. Don't you realise that I am only trying to help you? To make you feel better so you can leave here?" He raised his hands and pointed them at the man who lay in the bed before him. "Look at you, your pale, your loosing weight, all because you won't listen to me Ezra!"

Ezra's eyes moved to the humerous expression on Chris's face back to the one of anger on Nathan's. "But I'm not hungry."

"Didn't you just listen to a word I said?" Nathan was dumfounded and his face betrayed his inner feelings.

"Yes I did Nathan and I'm grateful for everything you have done but I'm just not hungry."

Nathan knew that he was fighting a losing battle. "Why do I even bother?"

"Because you care Nathan." Ezra smiled at him.

"But you don't do you Ezra because if you did you would do what I ask of you." Nathan continued the fruitless battle.

"Of course I do Nathan." Ezra frowned at him, he was confused by the healer's words.

"Then why won't you do what I tell you?" Nathan was becoming more and more frustrated.

"Call it stubborn pride Nathan." Ezra shrugged at him.

"What! Stubborn pride! Do you know how many times I saved your sorry behind . . . " Nathan allowed his mouth to stay hanging open as the laughter spread to his ears. "This isn't funny, I'm trying to be serious here. You are just going to make yourself sick Ezra." He turned his angry gaze towards their leader. "Chris your not helping!"

"I'm sorry Nathan but you should know by now that that part of Ezra is never going to change." He wiped the smile off his face when Nathan's anger was literally thrown in his direction.

"If he gets sick then you can look after him, he can stay in your room and you can deal with him!" Nathan stood up and after giving Ezra and Chris one final glare, he walked out the room, slamming the door closed behind him.

"You don't think he means that do you Ezra?" Chris asked him.

"Chris, you sound worried." Ezra looked across at him and then back at the door at a third interruption. Josiah stepped through with a pot of coffee and three cups in his hand.

"Nearly lost this on the way up, I take it things didn't go to well with Nathan?" Josiah asked the two men. Nathan had nearly knocked him off his feet on his back down the stairs, Josiah had smiled at the obscenities that the normally patient healer had aimed at the gambler who was not within earshot of his angry words.

"I'm fine, Chris is the one in trouble." Ezra laughed at him.

Josiah's smile grew at Ezra's laughter, it was the first time he had heard it in three weeks. "And why is Chris in trouble?" He asked as he moved forward to hand them each a cup and then fill it with hot coffee.

"Nathan said that I had to look after him if he got sick again." Chris leaned back in his chair, making sure that he didn't spill any of the coffee that Josiah had just poured into the cup and quietly tried to work a way out the situation that he had gotten himself into.

"Said that I had to stay with him." Ezra added.

"He does have a point Ezra." Josiah took on a serious tone, he looked at the poor appearence of his friend, he knew that the paleness of his skin had a lot to do with not being out in the fresh air for the last three weeks.

"I know Josiah." Ezra's face equalled Josiah's but then he allowed the mishevious smile to cross his features. "But I just can't help myself."

Josiah rolled his eyes. "Drink your coffee Ezra and then we'll walk you back to your room. That is if your still allowed to leave."

Ezra walked into the saloon and smiled at his friends who greeted him from a table in the corner, he was about to make his way towards them when Nathan came forward and grabbed his arm, the hearler ignored his heated protests as he was dragged upstairs to his room. Ezra had struggled in his grip but because the healer was larger and he was still in a weakened state there was nothing he could do. He constantly looked behind for Josiah and Chris for their help but he only saw the smiles that they shared at his predicament.

Nathan pushed him through into his room and then sat him down heavily on his bed. Ezra's feeble attempt to get up again was easily stopped when he was forced back down. Nathan looked at Chris. "He's your responsibility now, you take care of him, I've had enough!" For the third time in a day, Nathan left a room in a huff, his anger though was slow to follow, it hung in the air as though it was waiting for the apology that it's owner wanted.

Ezra shook himself out of his shocked state and then smiled up at his friends. "Gentlemen, how about I gather together some clean clothes, have a bath and then return to this fine establishment for a pleasant game of chance."

"Bed!" Chris ordered him and then followed Nathan out of the room before Ezra could talk his way out of it.

"Josi . . . "

"Don't look at me Ezra." Josiah smiled down at him and patted his shoulder. "I'll come back later with some lunch."

"Just great." Ezra muttered as he watched Josiah leave his room.

Ezra's eyes travelled around the now empty but familiar room, he looked at the rocking chair that sat in front of the only window and a frown crossed his handsome features. He stood up and walked to the dresser, he hesitated only a moment before pulling the top drawer open. His eyes fell upon the dry bloodied cards that he had hidden there, he turned his eyes to the chair and then back again as the memory of what he had done to himself came back, he had remembered almost everything. Ezra had been amazed when he was told about the two occassions that he had found the sounds of someone's footsteps fascinating but when they asked him how he hurt his arm he couldn't tell them. Now he knew. He picked up the cards that were now stained a dark brown and sat back down in the rocking chair, his eyes never leaving the group of cards that now lay in his lap.

Ezra couldn't tear his troubled green eyes from the sight before him, he lifted his left arm and pulled back the white sleeve revealing the faint scars crisscrossing his arm that had been hidden by the light material. Ezra remembered how he didn't feel any pain as he ran the sharp cornered cards across his arm, allowing the blood to flow from the newly broken skin. He felt sickened to his stomach at what he had done, he had not only hurt others, he had also hurt himself. For the first time in two weeks he needed and wanted a drink, he was hesitant though, Nathan had told him that the potion was no longer in his system and he knew that he could now partake in his usual libations if he wished to but he wasn't confident that it wouldn't effect him somehow.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, he ignored it, the owner of the hand that rapped on the bedroom door persisted. He continued to ignore it but the door was quietly opened, he listened as the footsteps came closer and then felt the firm but gentle pressure that was placed on his shoulder. He didn't look up to see who it was, he knew by the touch, he watched as the hand picked up one of the cards that was on his lap and then as the figure placed itself in his line of vision. He could no longer ignore Josiah as he now squatted down in front of him, he had used his large hand to gently lift his head so he could look into his eyes.

"Did you use these to cut your arm Ezra?" Joisah asked him, he barely felt the nod that Ezra gave him but the emotion clouded his green eyes.

When Josiah hadn't recieved an answer to his request to enter the room he opened the door expecting to find Ezra asleep in his bed, he had frowned when he saw that the bed was empty, his saw Ezra's outline in the rocking chair and he moved towards it, placing the tray of food on the bed as he passed it. His own heart became even more heavy when he saw the stained cards, he knew it was blood and that they were the instrument with which Ezra had used to inflict the injury to his arm.

"I sat here and used each one until they wouldn't cut anymore." His eyes became even more clouded as they filled with tears. "Why did I do that Josiah? Why did I do any of it?"

"It was the potion Ezra." Josiah tried to reassure him.

"Nathan was right, I don't listen to him, I don't do what he tells me, I don't care." He blinked and the tears fell from his eyes. "If I had done what he told me to do none of it would have happened. I drunk alcohol when he asked me not to. It's my fault that it happened. I should have done as I was told."

"It's not your fault Ezra." He took his face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe the tears from Ezra's face.

Ezra pulled Josiah's hands away. "Yes it is, it's no one else's fault. It happened because I drank when I was told not to. The potion wouldn't have done any of it without the alcohol."

"Ezra what is it going to take to convince you that it wasn't your fault? I don't blame you, neither does Casey or Nathan."

"There's nothing you can do Josiah." Ezra allowed his wet gaze to fall to the cards once again. "Nathan was right. It's my fault because I didn't do as I was told."

"Ezra! It's not your fault." The anger and frustration showed in Josiah's voice, more at his own failure to convince his friend that he wasn't responsible for what happened.

"Josiah could you go away please."

"Ezra I . . . "

"Please Josiah, just go away."

Josiah hung his head as his own tears threatened to fall, he gathered the cards into his hand and then left Ezra alone with his troubled thoughts. He closed the door shutting off the sound of Ezra's tears but he couldn't get the tortured sound out of his mind.

The saloon was becoming crowded with the lunch time regulars, a game of poker had started at the card table, the chair at the head of the table was kept empty in respect to the town's resident gambler and protector whom they knew would be returning shortly. They didn't fail to take the opportunity though to have a game of chance where the players were equal and everyone had a chance of winning.

The five hired gunmen still sat at their own table in the corner of the saloon watching the familiar faces as they carried out their normal everyday routines. The lamps had been extinguished now that the noon sun had finally reached all the way into the saloon. Nathan continued to look up at the stairs expecting the soft spoken preacher to come back with the tray of food that he had taken up to Ezra, he didn't expect the gambler to keep the promise that Josiah had told him about.

Chris smiled at him each time his dark eyes turned towards the stairs and then back again. All eyes looked up as they heard Josiah at the top of the stairs, their eyes reflecting the smiles that grew on their faces when they saw that he was empty handed. Josiah saw the smiles and knew they would be short lived, he walked slowly to the table with his head still down, the sound of Ezra's emotional turmoil still echoing in his mind, it was a sharp contrast to his laughter that had filled the clinic hours earlier.

"Well?" Nathan asked him when he reached the table.

"Well what?" Josiah answered him a little to harshly.

"Is he eating?" Nathan asked again.

"No he's not." Josiah pulled out a chair and sat down heavily in it, he rubbed his eyes with a shaking hand.

Everyone looked across at Nathan as though they expected him to rise from his chair and storm up to the gambler's room to force him to eat the lunch that he promised he would eat.

"Don't look at me, look at Chris. Ezra is his responsibility now, he can go and make him eat!" Nathan growled, as he hid his concern behind his anger, he knew that Ezra would not keep his promise, it was just typical of the man who always managed to talk his way out of anything.

Expressions of amusement then turned to the dark clad gunslinger, no one had noticed the forlorn expression that Josiah held while he sat silenlty listening to the converstation that the other men held. Chris sunk lower in his chair, he hadn't been able to work a way out of this uncomfortable predicament, he couldn't con people like Ezra, he could threaten them but not con them. He gave Nathan a cold stare but the smiling healer didn't flinch.

"Alright, I'm going." Chris stood up, pushing his chair away in frustration, he respected the patience that Nathan had with Ezra but the gambler had finally pushed him to far. It was one thing looking after Ezra when he was sick and weak but another when he was getting better, his stubborness was enough to push the most patient person to the edge of their limit, it usually came to the point when all you wanted to do was hit him, he knew Nathan wouldn't do that but he was afraid that he would.

"Don't Chris." Josiah simply stated in a tone that froze the group's leader where he stood.

"Why not?" Nathan asked him.

"Because he's upset Nathan."

"What do you mean he's upset?" Chris sat back down in his chair. "He was in a good mood this morning, he was even joking around." He leaned forward. "What happened? You didn't say anything about his . . ."

"No." Josiah cut him off. "It was something Nathan said and these." The cards were scattered across the table, everyone's eyes falling to the dry bloody mess before them. "Ezra remembered what he did, he said that he used them until they wouldn't do anymore. The whole pack, he used all of them."

The silence hung in the air around the table like a shroud, each member of the group realising what it meant. Nathan lifted his eyes from the card that he had picked up and looked at Josiah, he could see the emotion in his eyes.

"What did I say to upset him Josiah?" There was no anger in his voice, only understanding.

"He fully blames himself for what happened because he didn't do what he was told." Josiah picked up one the cards, the seven of spades and turned it around in his hand, his eyes taking in the single ace that was not covered by the brown stain. "He thinks it all happened because he didn't do what you told him to do and that was not to drink."

"But I was the one who started it all, if any one is to blame, it's me." Buck argued.

"Ezra believes otherwise Buck, he thinks that if he did as he was told the potion wouldn't have done what it did." Josiah threw the card back onto the table to join the others.

"It's not his fault." Buck continued.

"We know that Buck but I just can't convince Ezra." Josiah sighed. "I don't seem to be able to do anything to convince him that it's not his fault."

"I'm going to talk to him." Buck stood up from the table.

"He wants to be alone Buck." Josiah told him. "Besides what makes you think that he'll talk to you, he wouldn't even talk to me."

"I don't care if he want's to be alone." Buck growled. "I'm going to tell him that he's not to blame and he's going to listen to me even if I have to force it down his throat." Buck walked away from the table and made his way through the crowded room, ignoring the looks that were thrown at him by the customers who spilt their drinks when he forced them out of his way.

"I better go with him, make sure that he doesn't say anything that he's going to regret." Chris informed the others as he raised himself from his own chair.

Four pairs of concerned eyes turned from Buck's retreating back to Chris, the heads nodded in understanding and watched the man who had had to deal with his own personal hell follow his life long friend up the stairs to the gambler's room to help their friend who was now being tortured by his own guilt.

Ezra sat in the chair, his head leaning back as his eyes looked up at the card that he held in his right hand in front of his face. When Josiah had collected the cards together he had hidden the ace of spades from him and now he stared at it, unable to tear his gaze away from the small object that he had used to cause so much damage to his arm. His eyes finally moved to the pale lines on his skin and back to the card again, he screwed it up in his fist and threw into the corner of the room. He leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes as he felt the lack of sleep that he had the night before beginning to fall over his lethargic form but his eyes flew open at the sound of the door to his bedroom being slammed open, the noise invaded his mind just as the light had that morning, it was only a matter of seconds before he saw the source of the intrusion.

Buck didn't even bother knocking, he opened the door and allowed it to bounce off the wall before he made his way to the chair that faced the window. He leaned against the sill and crossed his arms over his chest and glared down at the man who sat staring up at him. Both men watched as Chris walked into their line of vision then to the corner of the room where he picked up the crumpled card, returning it to it's previous condition with only a few creases, his eyes turned to the gambler, his expression asking a silent question that he already knew the answer to. Ezra must have felt alone in his guilt, thinking that nobody would be able to help him through it. He held the card up, making sure that the face of it would be seen by the man in the chair.

"I thought we had this sorted out." Chris said to him as he move forward to join Buck at the window.

"Habit." shrugged Ezra as he looked down at his hands, he didn't know what to do with them so he crossed them the same way that Buck had.

"Why are you blaming yourself for this Ezra?" Buck asked him as he took the card from Chris and threw it into Ezra's lap.

Ezra's eyes slowly made their way down to the card, he noticed that the left sleeve of his shirt was still rolled up, he quickly pulled it down covering the marks that shamed him. "Because it was my fault, if I had done what Nathan told me to do then it wouldn't have happened."

"If I hadn't gotten that potion none of this would have happened." Buck growled at him. "None of it is your fault Ezra."

"It's all my fault Buck." Ezra muttered without raising his eyes to look at his friends.

Buck leaned down and grabbed Ezra's shirt and pulled him to his feet, he swung him around until the gambler's back hit the wall. Ezra's knees buckled and his mouth opened in shock, he looked sideways at Chris but only saw him mimick his shoulder shrug, his eyes turned back to the man that held him up against the wall.

"Your not the only one that's to blame for all of this Ezra. I'm the one that put the potion in the milk, Vin and JD were the one's that tricked you into drinking it, your the . . ."

"It's not Vin or JD's fault." Ezra told him.

"If it's your fault then it's also their fault."

"It's not their fault." Ezra growled at him as he tried to push him away but Buck only used more force to hold him in place.

"Why not?" Buck asked him as Chris smiled, he would have to buy him a drink if he pulled this off.

"Because they didn't know what was in the milk."

"And you did?"

"What?" Ezra was confused by what Buck was saying.

"Did you know what was in the milk?" Buck spoke more slowly.

"No." Ezra blinked his eyes.

"Then why is it your fault Ezra?" Buck demanded to know, he wouldn't let go of the gambler, he kept him held up against the wall, he had expected Chris to pull him off Ezra but he hadn't, he could see the smile that he tried to hide from the corner of his eye and realised that he knew what he was trying to do, he knew Chris wasn't going to interfere unless he had to.

"Because I didn't do what Nathan told me to do."

"But you never do what Nathan tells you. What makes this time any different?"

"This time I hurt people, I hurt myself, no one else did that, I did it." Ezra could feel his eyes becoming moist again, he tried to lift his arm so he could wipe the shameful tears away but Buck pushed him against the wall with even more force stopping him from raising his arms.

"I was the one that hurt them, it was me who hurt you Ezra." He watched as the man before him shook his head in denial. "I put that stuff in the milk and you drank it by mistake. Do you hear me Ezra, you drank it by mistake. This is my fault not yours, not Vin or JD's. It's mine." The head still shook as the tears began to fall from the green eyes.

"No, it's my . . . "

"It isn't your fault!" Buck growled at him.

"Why? Why isn't it my fault?" Ezra retaliated. "Nathan told me not to drink and I ignored him. If I didn't drink that alcohol it wouldn't have happened."

"You don't know that Ezra." Buck lied. "Maybe it also had something to do with the herbs that Nathan gave you." Ezra's eyes blinked again allowing more tears to flow, he again looked sideways at Chris who nodded in agreement, he turned his wet eyes back to Buck. "It still may have happened Ezra. You can't blame yourself for this, if you do then the rest of us are just as much at fault.

"But I drank when I shouldn't have." Both Buck and Chris could now hear the doubt and hope that Ezra's voice held.

"So what!" Buck allowed his grip to loosen and he lifted his right hand to wipe the tears from Ezra's face, he left his hand against the damp cheek, the skin underneath the suntanned hand becoming even more pale. "You do a lot of things that you shouldn't do, are you going to blame yourself for everything that's happened in your life." Buck took a deep breath before he took the plunge. "Just like you blamed yourself for what your Aunt and Uncle did to you." He could feel Chris stiffen at his words and quickly grabbed hold of Ezra as his knees buckled once more as his words sunk in. "You can't blame yourself for everything Ezra, things happen and there is nothing you can do about them."

A third sideways glance at Chris confirmed what Buck was saying, he shouldn't blame himself for things that were beyond his control but there was still a nagging doubt in the back of his mind, he had begun the spiral into the hell that he and his friends found themselves in, not anyone else, he drank the alcohol when he was told not to.

"What about you Buck? You can't blame yourself for this either, you didn't know what was going to happen." Chris took the chance to try and relieve the guilt that Buck had also been feeling.

Buck gently eased Ezra back into the chair, he sat down in front of him. "I know, I can't give a speech like that and not take any of it in." He spoke to Chris but didn't take his eyes off Ezra's face. "You okay now Ezra? Ezra?"

"I will be." was the whispered reply, the nagging feeling though still ate away at him, he forced it to the back of his mind, trying to hide it behind a wall like he had always done before these men changed him.

"You sure? I can rough you up a bit more if you like."

"Once is enough." Ezra managed a slight smile. "I'm sure."

Buck continued to look at his friend's pale face, he wasn't convinced that Ezra no longer blamed himself, he could tell that some of the guilt had been lifted from his shoulders but he knew that it was still there in the back of his mind just like it was in his own.

Chris watched as Ezra leaned back, his eyes struggling to stay open, he wanted to say more to him to make sure that he had accepted that it wasn't his fault but he could tell that he was exhausted already. Nathan had said that it was going to be a while before he was back to his full strength, they all knew that it was because he wasn't eating or sleeping enough "Why don't you get some sleep Ezra."

"Um?" Ezra could feel the darkness of sleep trying to take him as it did before the interruption.

"Your tired Ezra, you need to get some rest." Chris urged him.

"I don't want to sleep Chris." Ezra tried to keep his eyes open, knowing that it would be a futile effort.

"I know Ezra but you need it."

Ezra forced his eyes to look at Buck, they lifted to take in Chris's determined stare, he nodded knowing that he wouldn't have a choice, they would only physically pick him up and throw him on the bed if he refused. He pushed himself out of the chair and made his way to the bed. Buck took the food tray away while Chris pulled the bedcover back. Ezra sat down and struggled to take his boots off until Chris helped him. After Ezra made himself comfortable on his right side, Chris pulled the cover back up over him and tucked it under his chin.

"Ezra." Chris knelt down in front of him and looked into the tired green eyes.

"What?"

"You want me to stay?" He placed his hand against the side of Ezra's face and began to rub his temple with his thumb knowing that it would cause him to relax and then sleep. "Just in case." He felt the nod under his hand.

"I'll go and let the others know that he's okay." Buck whispered as he made his way to the door, he stopped for a moment and looked back at his two friends, he smiled and then left the room without another sound.

Chris waited until Ezra's eyelids fluttered closed and then as his breathing became shallow as sleep finally took him. He stood up, removing his hand from the gambler's face and dragged the chair closer to the bed so he could watch his friend sleep and hoped that his sleep would be more peaceful than it had been over the last two weeks.

The room was in complete darkness, no light invaded the sleeping quarters of the gambler who slept in the large bed, his mind echoing the blackness of the room that he was in, there were no dreams, no nightmares, just an empty void that he welcomed but it didn't last. Something flashed in the corner of his mind, it came hurtling towards the void that he was hidden in, it had found him. He cringed away from it, the grimace on his face, the movement of his body, the voiced whimper mirroring the way he felt inside as the nightmare began. He had stayed in the void as long as he could but the nightmare violently pulled him away from it. Fear and sadness filled his heart and mind, he knew what was coming, knew what the dream was going to be about but there was nothing that he could do to stop it, he couldn't wake up, the nightmare held him in it's grip.

He looked upon the bloodied heap that lay at his feet, the dark bruises standing out on the dark skin, his chest tightened when there was no movement, no breath entered or left the body. He had killed his Uncle but it wasn't Jack that lay before him, it was Nathan. The image changed to Casey, the blood spreading across her chest, JD crying over the still form, the moist eyes turned to him, his young voiced yelled at him, demanding to know why he killed her.

'Ezra'. The voice tried to break through to him but the nightmare pushed it away. 'Ezra, it's just a dream.' The voice was louder and familiar. The image of Josiah lying on the boardwalk brought him back into the nightmare, there was blood everywhere, he looked closer at the blood and saw more, he gagged and turned away.

'Ezra, wake up!' He felt hands on him, shaking him, trying to get him away from the nightmare but they couldn't help him, he was on his own again, things never seemed to change for him. The dream had him within it's grip and it wasn't going to let go until it was ready. He saw the sickening smile that crossed his face after he hit Josiah and he screamed. He stopped abruptly when he saw himself sitting in the chair that faced his window, the darkness surrounded him, he could see the small goosebumps that lined his pale skin. He watched, memorised by the card as it crossed his skin, the colour of the blood standing out against the paleness of his arm.

'Ezra!' The voice tried harder, the hands shook him even more but the nightmare wouldn't allow him to leave. He was now in the cot in the clinic, he felt the desperate need to hurt himself for what he did, he watch as he tore at his arm under the blanket and then as he managed to tear out the stitches in his back. He began to cry, he didn't want to see anymore, he wanted the pain and emotions of the nightmare to leave him alone. He felt the caring touch as someone wiped the tears away from his face. The nightmare finally let him go.

"Ezra! Wake up." Chris was becoming desperate, he couldn't wake him. "Ezra!" He shook him more firmly.

Chris hadn't been able to sleep, his eyes continued to watch the still form in the bed. Ezra had slept through the afternoon and into the night, another day passing where he hadn't eaten any food. The small whimpering moan that came from the gambler had been the first hint of the nightmare that he knew would come. He moved to the bed and put his hand on Ezra's shoulder, he could feel him shaking and began to try and wake him so he wouldn't have to go through it again but he failed. He held him down as he tossed and turned in the bed and shook his shoulders, trying to bring him out of the dream. He flinched back as he heard the scream, he thought that it was finally over but the voice ended and the nightmare continued. He put his hand against Ezra's face and felt the warm tears as they fell from beneath closed eyelids.

"Chris." Ezra managed to gasp out as the tears took over from the nightmare.

"Aw hell Ezra." He pulled him up and wrapped his arms around him as Ezra continued to cry. "I tried to wake you but I couldn't." He soothingly stroked the back of Ezra's head as he lay against his shoulder, he could feel him shaking within his comforting embrace, there were no words that would ease his fear, he knew this from experience.

After a few minutes the shaking eased as Ezra's body relaxed and his breathing evened out as sleep claimed him once more. Chris gently eased him back down onto the pillow and used his hand to dry the damp tears that were still on Ezra's face. He pulled the cover back up and tucked it around his shoulders, he wiped the damp hair from Ezra's forehead in one last guesture of concern and then went back to sit in the chair to wait for the next nightmare to begin.

The light of the new day invaded the room, it had been allowed to enter as the natural early riser who spent another night in the gambler's room had pulled the curtains aside, giving it access to the sleeping occupant in the large bed. The sun succeeded where it had failed the previous day, it woke the heavy sleeper with it's intrusion into the normaly dark room, it was something new and it welcomed the opportunity to do what it did to the other occupants of the small town, it caused the gambler to wake at an ungodly hour.

Ezra knew it was a dream, it had to be, they wouldn't wake him at this time of day, it was to early for him, they knew that, they wouldn't dare wake him now. So the light that was forcing itself into his mind couldn't be real, it had to be part of a dream. He heard a soft moan and knew that it came from his own dry throat, he pulled the cover up over his head to keep the light out but it was pulled back down. It wasn't a dream, they really were waking him, he rolled over in protest and tried to pull the cover back up, it was pulled out of his hand.

"Come on Ezra, time to get up." Chris smiled down at him.

"This is not a time Mr Larabee." Ezra's voice was heavy with sleep.

Chris frowned at the use of his last name but decided that it was because Ezra was still half a sleep. "Yes it is Ezra, it's called morning." He sat down on the bed and roughly patted his shoulder. "If you stay in bed your breakfast will get cold."

"I prefer to sleep." Ezra mumbled as he used his arm in an effort to swipe Chris's hand away.

"I prefer you eat, you've slept long enough Ezra." Chris had been grateful when Ezra's nightmare didn't return allowing him to sleep peacefully for the rest of the nignt. He had gotten at least sixteen hours of sleep with only one interruption, that was enough, it was now time to get him to eat something.

"Not long enough." He rolled back over putting his back between himself and Chris and tried to push his head back into the comfort of the pillow.

Chris pulled him back and placed his hand against his face and then began to pat it gently at first then more roughly when Ezra tried to push his hand away. "Come on Ezra. Buck and JD are going to a lot of trouble to make your breakfast, you don't want to dissapoint them."

Ezra grimaced and forced his eyes open, he glared up at Chris's smiling face and grabbed his hand, pushing it away from his face. "With the way they cook it won't be a dissapointment."

The lamps that lit the saloon added to the natural light of the sun as it cast shadows over the only occupants of the main room, they had only arrived a few minutes earlier, some of them lighting the lamps while the others layed the food out on the table, each quietly hoping that Ezra had had a decent nights sleep. They now sat at the table in silence waiting for Chris and Ezra to come down, Chris had told Buck the night before when he had gone up to Ezra's room to check on him that he was going to bring Ezra down early and get him to eat something.

They looked up when they heard the pounding footsteps on the balcony above them, they saw Ezra bounding down the stairs in only his trousers and a plain white shirt that wasn't tucked in, Chris was following him, a frown seemed to be permanently fixed to his rugged features. Their eyes turned to the scowl that was on Ezra's unshaven face, their own expressions turning into frowns that matched their leaders.

Ezra walked to the table in the center of the room and ignored the chair that Josiah pulled out for him and sat down in the other empty chair next to Buck without looking at anyone while Chris sat in the one that Josiah had offered to the gambler. Ezra knew they were staring at him, they always were, they had all probably come to enjoy the show. He was angry at being woken so early in the morning, they knew he liked to sleep late and yet Chris forced him to wake up at this ungodly hour of the day, he hated mornings and the last thing he wanted to do at this time of day was eat.

He was also angry because of the dreams, he felt helpless, he couldn't get them stop, he was angry at the emotions that he was feeling, he hated crying everytime someone spoke to him about what happened, it was all becoming to much for him again and that made him even more angry, he wanted their help, needed their help but it caused him to feel out of control, he wasn't used to it. Yesterday he had spoken openly to Chris about things and today all he wanted to do was push them away. He knew it was because of the mood he was in from being woken up early but it didn't stop him from showing his anger.

"Morning Ezra." Buck smiled at him.

"I know it is." Ezra retorted.

"Sleep alright Ezra?" Vin asked, he was sitting on the other side of Buck and had to lean slightly forward so he could get a better look at Ezra's face as he asked the question, the area under his eyes were still dark against his pale skin but his eyes were clear and bright, he didn't fail to notice that they were also full of anger.

"I would have slept fine if Chris didn't wake me up." Ezra didn't hide the sarcasm.

"He only had one nightmare, he slept fine otherwise." Chris informed them as he ignored the foul look that Ezra shot his way.

"Ezra, I made you some eggs, beans and bacon. You want some?" JD asked him as he filled a plate for him.

"No. It's bad enough that I was forced out of my bed at this hour, I shouldn't have to be forced to eat something you made."

Nathan took the plate from JD and placed it in front of Ezra who pushed it away without even a glance at it's contents. Chris pushed it back in front of him, Ezra pushed it away with enough force to cause the beans to spill from the plate onto the table and then glared at Chris, the expression on his face was easily readable, it was challenge. Josiah put a hand on Chris's arm, stopping him from pushing the plate back.

"What about coffee Ezra?" Josiah asked him.

"He doesn't need coffee Josiah, he needs food." Nathan argued with him.

"I don't need either of them." Ezra joined the argument. Nathan and Josiah both looked at him, Ezra smiled in return but his expression held no humour.

"He has to eat Josiah, he didn't have anything at all yesterday, he's just going to get sick." Nathan looked back at Ezra. "If he's not sick already that is."

"I thought I was no longer your responsibility." Ezra growled at Nathan.

"I'm sorry Ezra, I shouldn't have said those things." Nathan watched as Ezra's eyes quickly turned away from him. "Why don't you just try something Ezra, please."

"No."

"Ezra!" Chris growled at him.

"What? You know I don't eat at this time of the day."

Josiah rose from his chair and moved to Ezra's side, he knelt down next to him and put his hand on his arm. "Ezra would you eat something for me please."

"Don't start Josiah." Ezra warned him as he pulled his arm out from under Josiah's hand.

"He's not starting anything Ezra, he just wants you to eat something like the rest of us do." Chris told him, he knew what was coming and he hoped that Josiah realised it also and had enough sense to stop before he pushed Ezra to far. Ezra was in a bad mood and shouldn't be pressured in an area that he wasn't ready to deal with or talk about, he already had enough problems and it was these problems that were stopping him from forcing Ezra to eat something.

"Yes he is, he started it weeks ago."

Chris saw Josiah's confusion and realised that he had no idea what Ezra was talking, Ezra had kept his thoughts well hidden so he wouldn't hurt Josiah's feelings but he could tell that he was ready to do that now, he inwardly groaned and sunk lower in his chair and waited for the outburst that he knew would occur if Josiah pushed Ezra any further in the wrong direction.

"What are you talking about Ezra?" Josiah asked him.

"Go away Josiah." Ezra growled at him, he turned his angry stare to him, his eyes holding another challenge.

"Don't push him Josiah." Chris pleaded with him.

The others were watching the scene unfold before their eyes, they knew that Josiah now felt closer to Ezra, that he treated him more like a son than a friend but they didn't know how Ezra had felt about it, they were about to find out.

"Why not? I want to know why he's pushing me away?" Josiah returned the challenge. "Well Ezra? This is the second time you've asked me to go away and I want to know why."

Ezra looked across at Chris and watched as the gunslinger shook his head at him, Ezra turned his eyes back to Josiah. "I'm not your son Josiah so stop treating me like I am." he told him in a cold voice. Chris groaned and slid even further down into his chair.

"I'm sorry Ezra, I was only trying to help you." Josiah muttered as he got up and walked back to his own seat.

"No you weren't, you were trying to be a father." Ezra growled at him.

"That's enough Ezra." Buck glared at him, Josiah didn't deserve to be treated in such a way, he had only wanted to help Ezra deal with his problems in a way that he thought would help him.

"No it isn't Buck." Ezra stood up and the chair fell behind him. "I don't need a father and I don't want one. The one I had was enough, I don't need another one like him!"

"Ezra." Chris moaned.

"What did you expect, it's your fault for getting me up so early. At least this is something that I won't blame on myself." He paused for a moment as he looked around the table seeing the looks of concern. "I don't need any of this!" He walked away from the table and out the front door of the saloon.

"I guess that's another meal he's talked his way out of." Vin threw his own fork back onto the table, his appettite had suddenly disappeared.

"Not yet." Chris growled as he picked up a couple of warm biscuits and two cups of coffee, he looked at Josiah before leaving the table. "I'm sorry Josiah, Ezra's felt that way for a while, he didn't want to say anything before."

"So what changed his mind?" Josiah asked bitterly.

"I'm going to find out." Chris went through the saloon doors backwards so he didn't spill the coffee, he turned once he was free of the doors and found Ezra sitting in one of the chairs, he could see the emotions as he struggled to control them, it wasn't only having to get up early that angered the gambler, he now knew that there was something else that was causing him to be so angry.

"What's wrong Ezra?" he asked him as he sat down in the chair next to him.

"I told you, I don't like getting up this early." Ezra kept his eyes down both from the fear of Chris seeing what was in them and to keep the brightness of the rising sun from boaring it's way into his mind.

Chris handed him a biscuit and had to wait a couple of minutes before Ezra took it, he didn't hesitate when he took the coffee from him. Ezra gingerly took a bite out of the biscuit and then a mouthful of coffee to wash it down, he grimaced at the taste of both.

"Those two should really learn how to cook." Ezra muttered before he took another bite.

"There's something else Ezra. What is it?" Chris sat back in the chair and waited, he had all day.

Ezra allowed the biscuit to fall to the boardwalk and rubbed his face with his free hand so he could cover his eyes, he was going to make sure that no tears fell this time. "I'm sick of it Chris, all of it, the nightmares, the emotions, the tears. All I want to do is push you all away so I don't have to keep going through it, I don't have any control over it and I hate that." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes against the tears but they were there. He put the cup down and pushed himself out of the chair, he walked towards the railing while he roughly wiped his eyes and crossed his arms, he hung his head, and allowed his chin to fall to his chest. "I hate being out of control."

"Ezra . . ."

"What Chris? What piece of advice are you going to give me this time?" He turned to face him. "What can you possibly say that would make me feel any better?"

"I didn't have any control when Sarah and Adam were killed, you can't have control after something like that anyway." Chris turned his eyes from Ezra to the still empty street before him. "It took me along time before I dealt with it and that only happened because Buck didn't give up on me. There are still times where I don't have any control over my emotions Ezra, I still cry even now." His blue eyes moved back to his friend's hunched shoulders. "Ezra look at me."

"No, your going to make me cry again."

Chris smiled and got up out of the chair and walked towards Ezra, he took his arms and turned him around but his head stayed down, he used his hand to lift his face, the green eyes were already moist. "There's not a lot I can say Ezra but I will say this though. I'm not going to give up on you, none of us are, we've come to far for that and so have you."

Ezra pulled himself away from him and wiped his eyes once more, he went back to the chair and sat down. "Sometimes I just wish you would, I hate this Chris, this is nothing compared to what you went through, I should be able to handle it all better."

"It's not the same Ezra but what you have been through, not just now but all your life is just as bad. All these emotions are new to you, you just haven't learnt how to deal with them properly yet that's all. Don't worry Ezra, you'll get there, it's just going to take time."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me and I'm sick of that too!" Ezra threw his head back and Chris winced as it hit the wall behind him. "I accepted everything, your friendship, your concern, everything. I told myself that I wasn't going to push any of you away again but it's all I want to do now, especially Josiah. Why did he have to make it so complicated?"

"He was only trying to give what he thought you never had, he thought that it would help you get through this."

"I did have it once, for five years, I don't want it again." Ezra mumbled as he looked down the street, a distant memory clouding his mind, he didn't see Mrs Potter as she waved to them, or the frown that crossed her features when he didn't respond to her greeting, he quickly pushed the memory away.

"Your father, he didn't . . ."

"I don't want to talk about him Chris." Ezra turned his head back towards him. "Ever! So don't ask me about him again."

"Sure Ezra, I'll talk to Josiah for you, I'll ask him to back off."

"I don't need you to talk to Josiah for me I can do that myself." Ezra growled at him.

"Not until you calm down Ezra, I don't want you to talk to him the way you did in there, he didn't deserve that."

Ezra laughed, he found it uncanny sometimes how this man reminded him so much of his father, it was probably why he had disliked him so much when he first met him, they were both full of anger, hate and regret but he had found a better side to Chris, a side that he deeply respected and liked, he wondered if his father would have changed.

"You were a good father weren't you Chris." Ezra smiled at him but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"So Sarah kept telling me." He leaned against the railing and watched as the sadness filled Ezra's eyes.

"Mine wasn't."

"If you ever do want to talk about him Ezra I'll be here to listen."

"I'd rather shoot myself." Ezra's voice was bitter. "Why the hell did I ever stay here, I wouldn't be going through this crap if I had just kept going."

"You don't mean that Ezra, things will get better, I promise."

"Yes I do." Ezra got out of his chair and headed to the saloon doors, he stopped when Chris came forward and grabbed his arm.

"No you don't Ezra, your angry, when you calm down you'll see it differently."

"No I won't!" Ezra pulled his arm free and walked through the saloon doors with Chris following him. "I should never have come to this town and I sure as hell should never have stayed!"

"Ezra!"

Ezra turned on his heel to face him. "I told you Chris, I'm sick of it and at the moment I would do anything to stop it." He swayed slightly as a wave of dizziness overcame him but Chris didn't notice, he was to shocked at Ezra's statement..

Chris quickly stepped forward and after grabbing Ezra's arm, he pulled him to the table where the others sat with shocked expressions. "If you think that your going to be left alone for a minute after that comment Ezra then your going to have to think again."

Ezra struggled to get away from him. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that." He yelped out in pain as Chris squeezed his arm and pushed him down into the chair.

"I don't know that Ezra, your were going to do it in the saloon that day when we found out what your Uncle did." Chris scowled at Buck who was sitting in the chair next to Ezra and he jumped out of it so Chris could sit down. "You told me that you weren't going to shoot yourself Ezra but I worked it out later, you were going to do it."

"I . . . " Ezra didn't know what to say so he shut his mouth again.

"I what Ezra, I wasn't going to do it. I was only trying to keep you away from me? What?" Chris leaned forward. "I know your going through a lot Ezra, you haven't had time to deal with what your Uncle and Aunt did to you and now all this guilt about what that potion did but if you ever. . . "

"Don't forget my surrogate father." Ezra was looking at Josiah when he said this and he regretted the words when he saw the hurt cross the ex preacher's eyes.

"EZRA!" Everyone jumped, including Ezra, he looked back at Chris. "That's enough!" Chris took a moment and tried to calm down. "Ezra if you ever do anything that stupid then I will know that you ran out on me again, on us. Do you understand what I'm saying Ezra."

"Thanks Chris, just make me feel worse why don't you."

"I think your doing enough of that yourself Ezra and you need to stop, you'll never get through it if you keep being so hard on yourself." Chris told him.

"You remind me of him." Ezra admitted. "My father, you remind me of him."

Chris didn't like the sound of that, not after Ezra telling him that he wasn't a good father. "I thought you didn't want to talk about him." Chris smiled but it was forced.

"I don't."

"You were going to shoot yourself?" JD muttered, the shock now evident in his voice as well as on his face. Ezra couldn't answer him, he wouldn't even look at him.

"Is that true Ezra?" Buck demanded to know.

"What else was I supposed to do? You were all forcing me to go through a hell that I didn't want to deal with. I thought it was the only way out."

"You would have killed yourself?" Nathan was dumbfounded, he had suspected it but always denied it because he thought the Southerner was to stubborn to do something like that.

"Yes I would have and I wanted to!" Ezra turned to the table. "Is that what you want to hear, is it! Well your right and now I'm beginning to regret not going through with it!" Ezra tried to get up so he could get away from them but both Chris and Buck pushed him back down.

"Hell Ezra. Why didn't you tell us this before?" Buck asked as he knelt down so he could look up into his eyes.

"All of you gave me a feeling I never had before, you cared about me, you were concerned, I didn't want that to change to pity, I didn't want to loose what you gave me." Ezra could feel the tears as they began to build while his chest tightened. "Here I go again." He wiped them away as they fell. "I really am sick of this Chris, I don't want it anymore!"

"You don't want what anymore?" Josiah asked him, he was hesitant in taking part of the conversation in case Ezra pushed him away but he decided to try, his friend was going through to much.

"Are you asking as a father or a friend?" Ezra's head hung low, one hand pressed against his eyes to stop the tears that he was beginning to hate.

"A friend Ezra, if you don't want the other I'll stop."

"I don't want the other Josiah, I'm sorry but I don't want that, not now, not ever."

"Is that what your sick of Ezra, me trying to be a father figure." Josiah couldn't stop his own pain from sounding in his voice.

"No Josiah," Chris spoke up for Ezra, "he's not coping with all of this, the emotions, the dreams. That's what he's sick of, he want's to push us away so he can get back the control that he thinks he needs to deal with it all. What Ezra doesn't realise is that this is normal and that he needs time to deal with it. If you were in control at the moment Ezra then I would think that you have put it all behind one of those walls that you build to protect yourself. All of these emotions tell me that your not doing that, that your trying to deal with them with our help."

"Chris is right Ezra you can't expect to be in control after what you've been through, no one would be." Buck told him.

Ezra turned his painfilled gaze to Buck who was kneeling next to his chair. "How did you get Chris through it?"

"What do you mean?" Buck gave Chris a questioning look.

"I told him that we weren't going to give up on him just like you didn't with me." Chris explained as he stared at Ezra, something else was coming, he knew it but he just didn't know what.

"He went through hell Ezra just like you are, I didn't think I was ever going to get him back, I just kept pushing him like we did with you and made sure that he knew that I was there when he was ready."

"So in other words he had to do most of it himself, he had to deal with it on his own." Ezra growled down at him.

"I knew how to deal with it Ezra, I just didn't want to, Buck had to wait until I was ready. Ezra you want to but you don't know how to, that's why were helping you through it, were here for you Ezra, you shouldn't worry about your emotions, you shouldn't be embarrassed about them, they need to come out Ezra, just keep talking to us about how you feel, don't shut us out, not now." Chris said carefully, he was beginning to think that Ezra was trying to find something that would allow him to push them away and not feel bad about doing it.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, I've had enough, I just want it gone." Ezra muttered more to himself than to Chris, he quickly rose from his chair but before they could stop him he sat down again just as quickly, his hands gripping the chairs arms so he wouldn't fall.

"Ezra, you okay?" Nathan asked as he moved from his chair to Ezra's side within seconds.

"I'm fine." Ezra tried to push him away. "I just felt a bit dizzy that's all."

"And do you want to know why you felt dizzy Ezra?" Nathan didn't stop to think about what he was saying. "It's because you won't do what I tell you, if you had eaten like I told you to this wouldn't . . . " Nathan stopped when he saw the guilt and anger that replaced the pain that had been in Ezra's eyes.

"Get away from me Nathan!" Ezra pratically spat at him, he violently pushed himself out of the chair and away from the others, he began to walk towards the stairs when Nathan grabbed him.

"I'm sorry Ezra I didn't think."

"It has nothing to do with not thinking Nathan, you blame me too, just like everyone else does, your the only who'll admit it." Ezra retorted as he pushed him away again, he turned back to the stairs but another wave of dizziness rushed through him and this time he couldn't stay upright, he fell to the floor hitting his head on the thick hand railing on his way down.

They all watched Ezra fall, knowing that there was nothing they could do to stop him, one moment he was standing there expressing the anger that he had been feeling which allowed them to realise that he thought they all blamed him for what had happened and the next he crumpled to the floor in an unmoving heap. Nathan had been the closest but even he couldn't catch Ezra before he hit the floor. They joined Nathan at his side, expecting him to be unconscious and bleeding from a head wound but when they turned him onto his back, they saw his green eyes staring back at them and then he started to try and push them away.

He just needed a moment, that was all but they weren't going to give him one, he could feel Nathan's hands on him, looking for an injury that wasn't there, he pushed him away but other hands held him down, he struggled against their grip but he still felt neauseas so they were able to keep their hold on him easily. He could see the concern on the faces of the men who leaned over him, he tried to get up but was pushed back down, both from the dizziness that he still felt and the hands that still held him. He tried one last exhausting effort to get them away and failed.

"Stay still Ezra, I just want to make sure your alright." Nathan said soothingly as he expertly used his hands to feel for any lumps on Ezra's skull, he held his head still with one hand and used the other to lift each eyelid so he could check that his pupils were normal and even. "Did you hit your head?"

"No." He lied, they didn't need to know, the pain from hitting his head on the railing was already easing. "I'm fine Nathan I just fell that's all so you can leave me alone."

He held up two fingers in front of Ezra's eyes. "How many do you see?"

"Two." He answered reluctantly.

"Did you black out at all Ezra?" Nathan asked, his voice full of concern and guilt, he deeply regretted what he had said to him.

"No! I told you I didn't hit my head, I felt dizzy that's all!" Ezra growled at him.

"Before or after you fell?"

"Before and I still do." He tried to sit up again. "Will you please let me get up off the floor!"

"Your sure you didn't black out? It's important Ezra." Nathan placed a hand against the cool skin of Ezra's face and looked into the green eyes that stared back at him.

"I told you I didn't, now get off me!" He glared at the face before him, his anger still evident in his eyes as he pulled his head away from the large hand that covered half of his face.

"And you didn't hit your head?" Nathan repeated the question, he needed to be sure that Ezra hadn't hit his head.

"NO!" Ezra repeated as he became even more agitated.

"Okay Ezra, just take it easy." Nathan took one of Ezra's arms while Chris took the other and they carefully helped him stand up. "You okay, still feeling dizzy?" He watched Ezra nod as he tried to keep himself from falling back down. "Your going to eat something Ezra and I don't want an argument."

"Only if the food is cooked by someone else."

"Ezra, just for once can you do what Nathan asks of you without giving him an argument." Josiah told him sternly as he put his hand on his shoulder, he felt him tense up under his touch.

"Get the hell away from me Josiah! Stop trying to be my father!" Ezra's face held the disgust that he felt towards his own father.

Josiah flinched back from the disgusted look that he thought was aimed at him, the emotion bore it's way into his soul as a bullet would enter his flesh, it tore him apart and left him bleeding, the tears falling from his eyes as blood would pour from a flesh wound. He didn't attempt to help grab Ezra as his knees began to buckle once more, he stepped back as he quickly wiped his eyes and watched as Nathan and Chris pulled him back up and then lead him to one of the chairs at the table that still held the uneaten breakfast. Josiah walked to one of the other tables and sat down, his eyes never straying from the man who for some reason was now holding a lot of anger towards him.

"You okay Ezra?" Buck asked as he sat down in the chair next to him, he watched as he carefully nodded his head. "Good, I want you to apologise to Josiah."

"For what?" Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes while he waited for the neausea to pass.

"I'll go and get Ezra something from the restaurant." Vin informed Nathan as he walked away from the table. "JD you want to give me a hand?" JD practically ran out of the saloon after him.

"Ezra!" Chris sat down on his other side.

Ezra lifted his head and opened his eyes, his hand quickly moved to hold his head up, the fingers of his right hand pressing against his forehead, his eyes looked upwards to the blue eyes that were beginning to show the anger that Chris was feeling but he didn't care, Josiah wasn't going to stop trying to be the father figure that he didn't want and they were making him think of something that he didn't want to think about - his father. First they made him remember what his Aunt and Uncle did, forced him to bring the memory and emotions to the front of his mind and now this, he didn't want it, any of it.

Yesterday he was grateful for what they had done for him but now he was angry, at Josiah, Nathan and Chris. It was what he hated, being out of control, his emotions were uneven, up one day and down the next, it was this lack of control that also made him angry, he needed control, he couldn't survive without it, it was something they couldn't and wouldn't understand and it was all happening because Josiah wanted to be his father, this had brought another type of anger to the surface.

"I told you he's only trying to help." Chris growled at him, he knew Ezra was going through alot but he didn't like the way he was treating Josiah, there wasn't any reason for it.

"I don't want his help." Ezra looked across the room at Josiah, he could see that he had hurt his friend, he knew that he was trying help him but he didn't want to be reminded of his father, he turned his gaze to Chris, another man who brought his father's memory back but for different reasons. "And I don't want your help either."

"Your pushing us away. Why?" Chris was stunned but he hid it well, Ezra had been dealing with everything until he had found those cards, he was now reverting back to his old ways.

"Because your making me think about someone that I don't want to think about, your not going to force me to remember him. I won't let you!" His eyes moved back to Josiah. "I don't want a father figure so keep him away from me."

"Ezra . . . " Buck couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore Buck." Ezra warned him, he leaned back again, his head resting on the top of the chair, his eyes closed as he shut out those around him. He wanted to stand up and walk away from them but he didn't trust his legs to hold his weight.

"Ezra?" It was Nathan's voice, he was behind him. "I'm sorry, I don't blame you for what happened. I was angry, your getting sick and I'm angry because I can't help you."

"It's not your fault Nathan, I'm the one that won't do as he's told remember, this is my fault just like everything else." Ezra waved at hand at him as if to wave away the guilt that he knew Nathan was feeling. Someone grabbed it and held onto it, his head jerked upright and his eyes flew open to find Josiah standing over him.

"I'll stay away Ezra but only if you don't shut the others out." Josiah offered him a compromise.

"I won't talk about him." Ezra negotiated.

"You don't have to Ezra." Chris told him.

He leaned his head back and listened as Josiah walked away, his footsteps sounding heavier than they usually did, he reminded himself that he didn't want to remember and pushed the guilt that he felt to the back of his mind. He heard a chair scrape against the saloon floor and heard more footsteps as someone else left but he didn't open his eyes to see who it was.

Chris watched Josiah's retreating back for moment, he stood up and followed him out of the saloon, he found him standing on the boardwalk with his arms crossed, the rejection showing on his face.

"You alright Josiah?"

"He wants to talk about him, why else would he keep bringing him into the conversation, he wants us to push him on it just like we did with everything else." Josiah explained to him instead of answering the question of concern.

"I'm not so sure Josiah, he's been talking about things more freely lately, he wouldn't shut us out just so we could force him to talk. I think we should let it go for a while, if he wants to talk about his father I'm sure that he'll do it when he's ready."

"And in the meantime he doesn't want anything to do with me." Josiah hung his head. "I only wanted to help him and now he's pushed me away."

"I'm sorry Josiah, I don't know why he's doing this, he was fine yesterday." Chris tried to reassure him but he knew it would be no use. "I'll talk to him later, after he's eaten something and his mood has improved."

"I'll be in the church if he changes his mind." Josiah turned his back and walked towards the church, his arms still crossed as though they could hold in the strong emotions that he was feeling, his head still down so people wouldn't see the tears. He didn't think it would hurt this much but it did, it only proved to him how much he had come to care for Ezra like a son.

Chris walked back into the saloon, he stood inside the door for a moment and watched Ezra, he was still sitting in the chair with his head back and his eyes closed, he wondered what it was that was going through the gambler's mind, he looked paler than the white shirt he was wearing, it hung off him due to the loss of weight. Buck and Nathan sat on either side of him, there own eyes watching him, he didn't move under their scrutiny. He saw the grimace show on his handsome face and like Josiah had done before him, he wondered if he got his looks from his father.

He walked quietly to the table and sat down opposite Ezra. "He's not asleep is he?"

"No I'm not." Ezra lifted his head off the chair and looked at Chris, he could see the accusation and ignored it, Chris didn't know his reasons and he wasn't going to tell him.

All eyes turned to the saloon doors as the bartender and a couple of regulars entered and made their way to the bar, they tipped their hats in greeting to the gunmen and carried on with their own routines.

"You still feeling dizzy Ezra?" Nathan asked him as he looked back at him, he could see that he had become even paler, he was getting sick and Ezra wouldn't let him help him.

"A bit Nathan, not as bad though."

"You'll feel better once you've eaten something." Nathan frowned at him as he grimaced. "You sure your okay?"

"Yes I'm fine." Ezra told him as he tried to ignore the headache that had started at the back of his head and now worked it's way forward. He lifted his hand and rubbed the area on the left side of his head, he was suprised when he hadn't been knocked out, he had hit the railing pretty hard.

"Ezra?" Chris waited for an answer so he knew that he was listening.

"Umm?" He continued to massaged his head and then realised that they would notice what he was doing, he removed his hand and looked at Chris, the accusation was no longer there, he wondered how long it would be before it came back.

"We don't blame you for what happened."

"What?" Ezra was confused for a moment.

"Before you fell you said that we blamed you, that Nathan was the only one who admitted it. We don't blame you Ezra."

"I know, I was angry, I'm sorry Nathan." He eyes were downcast, his hands grasped together as they tried to find something to do.

"Josiah's not feeling to good at the moment." Chris told him.

"I don't care." Ezra lied, he saw their expressions and disregarded them.

"Why not?" Buck asked him.

Ezra ignored him and turned away, he looked at the saloon doors hoping for a distraction, one came in the form of Vin and JD when they marched into the saloon with a small tray of food in JD's hands. He saw the expressions of confusion when they saw that Josiah wasn't there with him.

JD placed the tray on the table in front of Ezra, he pulled the damp cover that had soaked up the steam away from the plate revealing eggs, bacon and beans. Ezra looked sideways at Nathan, his face not hiding the disdain that he felt towards the greasy food. He ignored the plate and Nathan's expression which was telling him to eat what was on the plate, he picked up one of the warm biscuits and took a bite. The taste was an improvement on what he had tried earlier but for a moment he thought his stomach wasn't going to agree with him, he could feel in roll in protest, it had been empty for more than a day and wanted to stay that way.

"Where's Josiah?" Vin asked Chris as he sat down next to him.

"Ezra's decided to push us away again." Chris's explained, he saw Vin nod in understanding.

"Why?" JD didn't understand.

"Something to do with his father." Buck told him as he watched the anger return to Ezra's eyes.

Ezra didn't hold back, he turned his angry gaze to Buck. "I told you I didn't want to talk about it, why won't you leave it alone!" He stood up quickly and swayed a moment, he felt Nathan's hands as he stood up to help him. "Get the hell away from me!" He pushed Nathan back down into the chair, he stormed away leaving his anger hanging heavily around the table, the food remained untouched except for one bite.

"Go with him Vin, I don't want him left on his own, not after what he said before and take some of those biscuits with you." Chris ordered him as he turned his own eyes to Buck. "Don't push him Buck, he doesn't want to talk about his father. I don't want the man mentioned again." His eyes were cold. "Do you understand me?" Buck squirmed down into his chair and nodded.

Ezra slammed the door closed behind him and began to pace the small room, his shaking hands running through his hair in a nervous attempt to control his anger and the memory, he then pulled at his shirt as he continued to walk back and forth. He didn't hear the door open or Vin calling his name, he jumped when he felt the hand on his shoulder.

"You okay Ezra?" Vin asked him, the worry sounding in his voice.

"I'm fine." Ezra pushed him away and went to his bed, he sat down and then allowed himself to fall onto his back, he lifted his left arm to cover his eyes, his headache was getting worse. "Why are you here?"

"I brought some food, you still need to eat something Ezra." Vin moved forward and sat down on the bed next to him, he slapped his shoulder with his free hand. "Sit up Ezra and eat something please."

Ezra removed his arm and looked up at Vin, he hesitated for a moment as he thought about it, he pushed himself up and took one of the biscuits from him. It took him a while but he finally managed to eat four of the biscuits, his stomach continued to protest as he ate, he had to stop a couple of times when he thought that he was going to throw up but the food had stayed down. Vin was satisfied with that so he didn't try and force him to eat anymore.

"You want some coffee or water to wash them down?" Vin asked him.

Ezra nodded his head and laid back down on the bed, he closed his eyes against the headache that was threatening to become even worse, he grimaced when he felt the bed shift underneath him as Vin stood up, he changed his position on the bed and made his head more comfortable on the pillow, he was asleep within minutes, allowing the new nightmares to begin.

Chris sat in his own little world, the concern and fear for his friend taking control of both his mind and heart, every time he thought that Ezra was getting somewhere he would put his wall back up and throw their offer of help back in their faces. He had to do something, Ezra needed to deal with it, or else he will forever be in the torrent of emotions that he hated, he had to accept them or something terrible was going to happen. He was seriously thinking that Ezra might do something as stupid as harming himself just to stop the feelings that he wanted to control.

He didn't notice as the noise in the saloon became louder with the new patrons, he didn't see the bright sunlight that was now beginning to fill the room, it had crept along the floor to the table that he and the others were sitting at as though it was looking for one person in particular, it stayed unmoving for a few moments and then continued on it's search. His eyes turned to the balcony above them, it was still covered by shadows that seemed to be protecting the person that preferred it to the bright light that was looking for him.

Chris jumped out of his chair and ran to the stairs when he saw Vin slowly walking down them, his heart was beating fast as the fear gripped it. He stopped Vin at the bottom of the stairs and stared at him, the words not wanting to form the question that he dreaded but he forced himself to ask it. He knew that it would not be serious, if it was Vin would be reacting differently but something had to have happened, Vin wouldn't have left Ezra alone otherwise.

"What's wrong?" Chris demanded, he was unable to hide the growing fear and anger from his voice.

"Nothing Chris, Ezra's fine, I'm just getting him some coffee." Vin had never seen the gunslinger show so much anger towards him before this moment, it shocked him to the core and he couldn't voice his protest at the unrelenting outburst.

"You left him alone! I told you not to! Hell Vin, I never thought you were this stupid, what if Ezra tries to . . . ." Chris threw his hands up in the air and pushed Vin to the side. "Am I the only one who's worried that Ezra might do something to hurt himself!" He yelled back at him as he ran up the stairs two at a time.

Chris burst into the gambler's bedroom, slamming the door, causing it to hit the wall once more, it bounced back hitting him on the arm as it protested against the way people used it to show the anger that they felt when they entered the room. He scowled at it then looked at Ezra who had been jerked awake by the loud noise.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ezra muttered as he tried to focus his vision, his head now felt like it was going to explode and he knew the sudden noisy entry into his room didn't help the pain that he was feeling. He allowed himself to fall back on to the pillow, wincing as it caused even more pain to shoot through his skull.

"I'm sorry Ezra, I didn't know you were asleep." Chris moved closer to the bed. "Ezra?" He sat down on the bed and watched as Ezra's face contorted in pain. He could see the even rise of his chest and realised he had fallen back to sleep but the expression that he had just held told him that he was in some sort of pain, he must of hurt himself when he fell, he would have to get Nathan to check him again.

"He was fine Chris," Vin explained to him as he entered the room, he closed the door, it didn't make a noise, it was glad that someone had used it for it's actual purpose, "he wasn't going to do anything, I wouldn't have left him alone if I thought he was going to do something like that."

"I know Vin, I'm sorry." Chris bowed his head sideways, his eyes never leaving Ezra's pale features. "I'm worried about him."

"Scared too." He nodded as his eyes connected with Chris's, he had looked up when he heard Vin's words. "We all are Chris."

"I'm starting to think that he's never going to get over this, he just keeps going backwards." Chris allowed the emotion that he felt to sound in his voice and show on his face.

"He'll get there with our help Chris." Vin assured him.

"I don't know, yesterday I would have agreed with you but today, he's different today, it's not just from getting up early. I don't think he can take it anymore Vin, that's what's got me scared." He leaned over and brushed the loose hair from Ezra's forehead, another grimace crossed the handsome features as Chris's fingers brushed across his face.

"He looks like he's in pain." Vin observed.

"That's what I thought." Chris agreed with him. "You want to go and get Nathan, so he can take a better look at him while he's asleep."

"Sure." Vin walked away, leaving Chris sitting with Ezra, his hand continuing to move the now non-existent loose hair from his face, a grimace appeared each time that he did this, causing him to stop so he wouldn't wake him. He looked down at Ezra's limp hand, it was lying on the bed in front of him, the fingers curled towards the ceiling, it twitched, Chris looked up to see Ezra's face express the pain that he was obviously feeling. Chris laid his own hand over Ezra's, squeezing it gently, the hand continued to twitch.

Chris stood up when he heard the door open, he moved away from the bed so Nathan would have more room to work. Vin stood by his side and they watched as Nathan used his hands to first feel Ezra's limbs, his ribs and his skull, he lifted the eyelids again to check his pupils. He looked up at Chris and Vin, shaking his head to indicate that he had found nothing wrong, he gently rolled Ezra onto his back and began to undo the buttons of his shirt. His hands stopped in mid air as he heard the slight groan come from the gambler, after a few moments he continued what he was doing. Nathan pulled the shirt open and checked for any bruising that might have occured during the fall but he found none. He felt the gambler's forehead for a fever and then checked his pulse.

"He seems okay physically, his pulse is weaker than it should be but that would be because he's hardly eaten in the last few days and he's still not back to his full strength yet. There's no swelling or bruising anywhere, so he hasn't twisted any limbs or bruised his ribs and I can't find anything that would tell me he hit his head when he fell." Nathan told them as he watched the grimace of pain show on Ezra's face. "I'll have to ask him what's wrong when he wakes up."

Ezra rolled away from Nathan, turning his back on him as though he had heard what he said and was already refusing his help. Nathan leant over him and began doing some of the buttons of his shirt back up, he watched the features that were no longer peaceful, a permanent grimace was now on Ezra's face.

"Why don't you guys go and get some rest." Nathan didn't look up at them as he spoke. "I'll watch him for a while, see if I can figure out why he's in pain."

"I'll stay with you." Chris told him as he watched Ezra's back, seeing the shoulder blades pushing against the shirt, he didn't realise how much weight his friend had lost.

"Did you get any sleep last night Chris?" Nathan finally turned his eyes away from Ezra and looked into the worried blue eyes of their leader. Nathan knew by the expression that came over his face. "You go and get some rest, I don't want to have to look after you as well, I've already go my hands full with Ezra."

"You'll let me know when he wakes up." Chris asked, he didn't want to leave him, not now.

Nathan nodded his head in agreement as he looked back down at Ezra, he had rolled back over onto his back. Nathan got up and moved to the chair that still faced the gambler's bed, he sat down and made himself comfortable, he thought that he was going to be there for a while. "Go away Chris and let someone else worry about him for a change." Nathan said a little harshly.

"He's right Chris, let's leave him be for a while." Vin gently took his arm and lead him out of the room.

"What did he mean by that comment?" Chris asked Vin as he was dragged out of the room.

"He doesn't mean anything by it Chris." Vin told him as he shut the door cutting off the rest of the conversation.

Nathan had been watching Ezra for a few hours when the nightmare began, the tossing was slight at first but became more violent as the nightmare grew in intensity, his whimpering became shouts of dispair, the tears fell from behind the closed eyelids, wetting the gambler's face just as the sweat soaked his shirt and caused his hair to cling to his scalp. Nathan wanted to wake him but he hesitated, the nightmare wasn't the same as before it was different, he listened to Ezra's mutterings and shouts but was unable to understand what he was saying. He assumed that the nightmare held no fear for Ezra, he seemed to be only suffering from some emotional tormoil from his past, Nathan knew that it wasn't his Uncle, it was something else, he just couldn't work out what it was and he knew that Ezra wasn't going to tell him so he waited, hoping that Ezra would give him some sort of clue so he could work out what was now plaguing his dreams.

He was about to move to the bed to wake him when Ezra sat up with a jerk, the scream escaping from his throat, it was cut short when Ezra put his face in his hands. Nathan could see his shoulders shaking, his body was wracked by the tears that were trying to escape through his hands. Nathan moved a little more quickly to the bed and placed his hand on Ezra's shoulder causing another scream to escape from him as he jerked away from the touch.

"It's okay Ezra, it's Nathan." He could see the confusion that the green eyes held. "Ezra?"

"Get away from me Nathan!" Ezra spat at him as he pushed himself even further away from the healer, his eyes darting around the room, looking for someone he knew was no longer there, someone who would never be there again. He ran his hands through his hair and jumped up off the bed.

"You want me to get someone else for you, Chris maybe?" Nathan calmly asked him as he watched him begin to pace the length of his bed, his arms crossing and uncrossing in front of his chest.

"What the hell for, I don't need him, I don't need any of you." Ezra turned his back on him and left his room, the door was slammed against the wall again, it stayed there, it had had enough for one day.

Ezra didn't know where he was going, he just needed to get away from everything, the dream he had scared him, he didn't want to go through all of that again and he wasn't going to, no one was going to force this out of him. He stopped at the top of the stairs and closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pushed the memory and emotion to the back of his mind, the wall was rebuilt to hide the memory and that was where it was going to stay.

He walked down the steps and through the saloon, ignoring the men who gave him questioning glances as he passed their table. He pushed his way through the swinging doors out into the sunlight, the air causing goosebumps to form on his flesh as it connected with the sweat that covered him. He didn't stop there, he walked down the boardwalk and then into the alley. Ezra stopped and looked around the alley, he was confused, he had no idea what he was doing here. He turned around to go back when he saw three of his friends standing in front of the alley, their faces held the confusion that he felt. He knew what they were going to do, he turned to go in the other direction and saw another two of his friends blocking his escape.

Ezra looked for Josiah, he knew that he would help him but he wasn't with them, he frowned as the anger began to grow, they weren't going to let Josiah protect him. "Where's Josiah?" Ezra asked them innocently, he held his anger back until he needed it.

"What?" Chris nearly fell where he stood, he couldn't believe what Ezra had just said, it was as though he had no memory of what had happened earlier. "Aw hell." he muttered at the realisation that Ezra had put up his wall again.

Chris was sitting at the table trying to understand what Vin had explained to him, he had been keeping the others away from Ezra, Buck and Josiah had been the only ones he had allowed to really talk to him, the rest of his friends hadn't had the chance. It was also brought to his attention that like Ezra, he hadn't been eating or sleeping and that he had to take care of himself or he was going to end up sick and then what help would he be to Ezra, he wouldn't be there when he did needed him.

He was trying to eat his lunch when he looked up to see Ezra standing at the top of the stairs, his eyes were closed and his face held a look of concentration. For a heart wrenching moment he actually thought that he was going to throw himself down the stairs but the eyes opened again and he walked down the stairs and then straight out of the saloon without even looking at them. Chris knew that he had just woken from one of his nightmares, Ezra's face was damp with a moisture that he knew were tears, he always reacted the same way when he woke up, he wondered if Nathan helped him through the aftermath of the dream. His hair was soaked with sweat, his white shirt clung to his body, he could see the muscle tone through the damp fabric that Ezra had built up in his chest and stomach but knew it wouldn't last if the gambler didn't start eating again, it would soon turn to skin and bone.

Chris turned his eyes back to the stairs to find Nathan already following Ezra, he saw the nod that wanted them to do the same, he pushed his chair away and walked out after them. He saw Nathan's expression and knew that Ezra was in trouble, he turned to see him go into the alley that ran along the saloon. He indicated to Buck and JD to go around the other way to block his way out, he nodded to Vin and Nathan to follow him. They stepped into the alley and watched as Ezra turned to them, they saw the anger as it quickly flashed across his face but it was soon replaced by confusion when he saw Buck and JD at the other end of the alley. Chris's heart then dropped into his stomach when Ezra asked where Josiah was.

"He's at the church." Buck explained to him as he stepped forward, he stopped when Ezra stepped back from him.

"Why isn't he here?" Ezra asked suspiciously, his eyes flicking from the men in front of him to those who were trying to sneak up behind him.

"You told him to stay away remember." Chris explained.

Ezra bowed his head, his forehead creasing as he tried to break through the confusion that clouded his mind. He finally remembered what he had done and why, his head nodding in understanding as he looked back up at Chris. "Didn't I tell you to go away too."

"You said you didn't want my help." Chris admitted, he looked sideways at Nathan who shrugged in return, he didn't know what was going on either.

"Then go away."

"No." Chris took a couple of tentative steps forward only to see Ezra step away from him.

Buck moved forward while Chris had Ezra distracted and the backward movement from Ezra brought him even closer, he knew that something was wrong and he wanted to get close to him just in case, he didn't realise that what he was planning on doing may cost Ezra his life.

"Go away Mr Larabee." Ezra said calmly but his voice held a cold threatening tone that stopped Chris in his tracks.

"Ezra." Nathan moved slowly passed Chris, he wanted a closer look at the confused gambler, something was wrong and he wanted to find out what it was. "Do you mind if I come closer, I would like to talk to you."

Buck took the opportunity to take a few more steps, Nathan wanted to use his eyes to tell him to wait but he knew that if he looked at him then Ezra would notice and then possibly react in a way he didn't want him to. He waited for an answer from Ezra but he didn't get one, he took another step and then stopped as Ezra began to pace the width of the alley as he had done in his room before he left to come out here, he noticed that he was behaving in an agitated manner, he was running his hands through his hair and then crossing them in front of him, then pulling at his shirt. Nathan frowned, he moved closer but wasn't in time to stop Buck from getting to him first.

"Ezra." Buck whispered in his ear, he was able to get that close to him.

Ezra jumped at the quiet noise and then felt a hand on his arm, he pushed it away and then pushed at the person who was now standing directly in front of him, his eyes glanced down at the gun that was slung to Buck's hip, he pulled his gaze back up again and waited for his opportunity to finish what he had wanted to do in the saloon a month ago, he was going to stop the emotions that he couldn't control.

"Ezra?" Buck spoke quietly again as he held onto his friend and looked into his eyes, he frowned at what he saw. "Nathan, one of his pupils is larger than the other."

It clicked in Nathan's mind then, the way in which Ezra was acting, it explained it. "He's got a concussion, he must have hit his head when he fell." He held a hand up towards Buck. "Be very careful Buck, the concussion will make him confused and angry and that may cause him to do something he normally wouldn't do." Nathan stepped forward. "I want you to move away from him Buck, slowly and carefully."

Ezra had his head tipped to the side, he was listening to what Nathan was saying, his eyes slowly moved back to the man in front of him, he saw that Buck's eyes were turned towards the healer.

"BUCK!" Chris yelled to him as he saw Ezra's hand go for his gun, he pulled it out of the holster with lightening speed and then aimed it towards Buck. Everyone and everything else froze.

"Go away Buck." Ezra growled at him.

"Ezra, just take it easy, we only want to talk to you that's all." Buck put his hands up in a calming manner, he heard the gun being cocked.

"I said go away." Ezra repeated as he became more agitated.

"Ezra you know we only want to help you, why won't . . . "

"Back off Buck!" Chris yelled at him.

Buck didn't want to go, he had to stay close enough to grab him in case he tried to do something with the gun, his heart leap as he remembered what Ezra had said that morning. 'I'm sick of it and at the moment I would do anything to stop it.' No he wasn't going to go anywhere.

He stood where he was and didn't flinch when the sound of the gun going off exploded in his ear, he felt the breath of the bullet as it passed his face, the gun was then aimed at his forehead.

"Go away Buck." Ezra repeated for the third time, his voice was now full of the anger that he felt towards them and himself but he wouldn't go away.

"I'm not going anywhere Ezra, I'm going to stay right here with you." Buck stated firmly, he knew Ezra wasn't going to shoot him.

Ezra stepped backwards until his back hit the wall of the saloon. He turned his eyes quickly to the left and then right to make sure that no one else was coming closer. He looked back at Buck and blinked his eyes a couple of times to clear his blurred vision.

"Did you see that Chris, his vision is becoming blurred." Nathan explained to Chris when he was able to get his voice back, he was stunned and he knew everyone else would be as well, they were shocked when Ezra actually pulled the trigger. "He's going to get sick shortly and then we should be able to get the gun from him."

Chris had moved to stand next to Nathan, he was watching Buck and Ezra carefully. "Let's just hope he doesn't doing anything before then."

"Will you stop pushing me!" Ezra yelled at Buck.

"I'm not pushing Ezra, I'm just going to stay here with you, we don't have to talk." Buck slowly hunched down on his heels, he stayed that way ready to pounce on the gambler when he had the chance.

Ezra did the same, except his sat on his legs, he was beginning to feel dizzy and sick, he didn't know why. His eyes kept moving from Buck to the other men who were standing a few feet away from him, he continued to blink as his vision became less focused. Without realising it he moved the barrel of the gun to the side of his face and used it to rub his cheek.

"Ezra?" Nathan called to him.

"Yes Nathan." Ezra still wasn't aware of what he was doing, he was becoming confused again.

"Have you got a headache." He watched as Ezra nodded. "Do you feel sick?" Another nod to indicate that he did. Nathan looked sideways at Chris. "Why don't you give Buck his gun back and then I can get you something that will make you feel better." Nathan carefully took another step towards Ezra and then stopped when he looked up at him.

"No!" Ezra's anger returned, he stared at Buck but saw two of him, he blinked again and tapped the side of his head with the gun hoping that it would clear his vision.

"You've got a concussion Ezra. Will you let me help you, please." Nathan tried.

"And how did I get a concussion?" Ezra asked him.

"You must of hit your head when you fell." He saw the look of confusion. "Remember, this morning you fell, you told me that you didn't hit your head but you must have." He took another step closer. "You don't have to get knocked out to get one Ezra." Another step. "After a matter of hours you suffer the same symptoms, blurred vison, vomiting and then unconsciousness." Another step, he could sense Chris following him. "There's also mood swings, you become confused and angry." He stopped when Ezra's eyes moved to the gun before him, the confused green eyes then turned back to him.

"Get him the hell away from me!" Ezra yelled at him. "I don't want him here!"

"Who Ezra?" Chris asked him, he noticed that Ezra wasn't looking directly at them, he turned and saw Josiah standing behind them.

"I heard the gunshot." Josiah explained to them.

Buck took the chance that he was waiting for and leant forward but Ezra was ready for him, he placed the gun to his temple and cocked the gun so quickly that Buck was shocked, he was beginning to think that he wasn't going to be quick enough to stop him. He sat back down, his hands in front of him. "Take it easy Ezra, it's okay." He felt the tension leave his body when Ezra uncocked the gun and lowered it from his head, this told him that the gun was only a threat, that he wasn't going to shoot himself but he still had to be quicker just in case.

Josiah came forward and looked sideways at Chris and Nathan, he needed an explanation but knew there wasn't time. He stepped passed them and moved closer to Ezra. He was now close enough to see his eyes, he saw the confusion and anger that they held. "Ezra." Josiah spoke firmly.

"Get away from me you son of a bitch!" Ezra yelled again. "I don't want . . . " He stopped what he was saying as he felt his stomach roll, he bowed his head for a moment to wait it out and then saw Buck move towards him again. He quickly moved the gun towards his head, they weren't going to stop him this time, he had to make them understand that he was serious, he pulled the trigger before Buck could stop him.

Buck continued to move forward to catch Ezra's falling body into his arms, allowing his own tears at the gambler's death to flow from his eyes but there wasn't a body to catch, instead he came face to face with the trembling barrel of his own gun. Buck's wet eyes moved to the face that was behind it, the green eyes were now full of pain as well as anger and confusion, his paling face held a look of determination that scared Buck but he was also relieved that Ezra was still alive, he frowned when he saw the blood flowing from the side of Ezra's head.

"Go away Buck." Ezra spoke quietly through a painfilled haze, his vision was even more blurred now. He hadn't intended to put the gun so close, he just wanted to make sure they knew he was serious, he thought that he was going to miss but he misjudged his aim. He could feel the blood as it flowed from the head wound that he had caused.

"SHIT EZRA!" Chris yelled at him. "What in the hell did you do that for, you didn't need to do that!" He was angry and scared, angry at himself for letting it go this far, scared that Ezra had actually pulled the trigger even if he had missed on purpose. 'Damn him, why does he have to be such a stubborn bastard.' he thought to himself and was glad that he hadn't spoken that thought out loud.

"Yes I did." Ezra replied more calmly as he pushed the pain to the back of his mind, he had to concentrate or they would stop him, then he would have to continue to deal with the emotions he just wanted to stop. "Maybe now Buck will go away."

"Buck get the hell away from him!" Chris growled at him, he was scared and he didn't care who knew it. He watched as Buck stood up slowly then step back towards him.

Vin and JD moved in closer from the other side, they could see the blood that flowed from the side of Ezra's head, they knew how close he had come to killing himself.

"Thank god he missed." Nathan muttered.

"He didn't." Buck informed them, he didn't have to look at them to know they were confused. "Why don't you show them Ezra."

Ezra used his left hand to wipe the right side of his forehead, he then held the blood covered fingers up to them so they could see just how serious he was. The sight of his own blood caused the neausea to overcome him once more, he leaned his head back against the wall behind him and lifted the gun towards his head again, making sure that they didn't use the opportunity to try and take it off him but the gun wavered in his hand as it shook. Ezra fought to keep the bile from rising in his throat.

"Oh no." Chris groaned at the sight, he knew that if they gave Ezra the chance to pull the trigger again that he would succeed in what he wanted to do and that was to die. He wasn't going to let that happen, even if he had to take the bullet for him. Nathan's quiet voice brought him out of his thoughts.

"Feel like your going to be sick Ezra?" Nathan asked him as he stepped closer to take a closer look at his friend

"No." Ezra muttered as he swallowed the bile.

"Ezra bring your head forward, you'll choke if you throw up with your head back." Nathan was grateful when Ezra actually listened to him and did what he was told, he could see that he was struggling to keep his head up and knew it wouldn't be much longer before he did throw up and that's when they were going to take the gun from him. He looked across at Chris and nodded.

Chris was watching Ezra carefully, he saw Nathan nod out of the corner of his eye and he moved towards the slumped gambler, he nudged Buck on his way passed and together they took a step closer to him. Ezra could see them coming closer and he tried to gather the strength he needed to hold the gun up but it fell to his side as he felt the bile rise in his throat, he fell to his left as his stomach violently deposited the breakfast that he had that morning into the dirt by his side.

Everyone moved as one towards Ezra, Vin took the gun allowing his hand to fall limply to his side, he quickly picked Ezra's hand up and held it in his own. Buck grabbed his shoulders and supported him as he continued to throw up, it was only gut wrenching dry heaves now, he didn't have enough food in his stomach to keep going. Chris put his right hand against Ezra's damp head and used his left to wipe the damp hair from his forehead, he made sure he didn't go near the gunshot wound. Nathan put his hand on Ezra's leg and waited for him to finish. Josiah and JD stood back and watched, they wanted to do something but there wasn't enough room for all them.

When his stomach finally finished Ezra tried to push them away but his lack of strength prevented him from doing this, he couldn't help but slump back against Chris's chest, his head falling back onto the gunslinger's shoulder. Ezra couldn't stop someone from placing his hands against his chest and wrapping their arms around him, he felt someone else's hand on his forehead, then as they lifted his eyelids, he turned his head away from them but another hand held his head still.

"He's got a fever and his pupils are still uneven." Nathan told them after he quickly examined Ezra. "Take him up the back stairs to his room."

"Just leave me alone." Ezra whispered hoarsly, he tried to get up but the arms that held him pulled him back against their chest, he could feel the hearbeat of the person holding him, at that moment he found no solace in the comfort that the person was trying to give him. Ezra groaned when he felt the darkness surround his mind and take him into it's waiting arms.

"Vin give me hand." Chris was about to pick Ezra up when he heard him groan and then slump further into his arms, his head falling forward onto his chest. "Nathan?"

Nathan used his hand to lift Ezra's head back up. "He's unconscious Chris, take him up to his room. I'll go and get a few things to fix him up." Nathan stood up again. "JD, you can come and give me a hand." He waited a moment and watched Vin and Buck help Chris to pick Ezra up, he walked away with JD following him while Chris and the others took Ezra back to his room.

Chris leaned forward in the chair, his hands clasped together above his knees, his eyes watching the floor in front of him, they lifted up to look at the still unconscious figure in the bed but there was still no movement to show that he was waking up again. Ezra had woken a few times but wasn't lucid enough to focus on his surroundings and fell back into unconsciousness in a matter of seconds. It had continued on like this since they had brought him up to his room five hours ago.

Nathan had cleaned and stitched the head wound that Ezra had inflicted upon himself, and then cleaned the blood from his face and hair. He explained to them that Ezra's emotions were made worse by the concussion, it had caused him to become more angry and confused than he was, that he didn't think Ezra would have done what he did if he hadn't hit his head that morning and recieved a concussion. He also told them that Ezra probably wouldn't remember what happened and if he didn't then it would be best not to tell him.

Chris lifted his eyes again and watched as JD wiped Ezra's face with a damp cloth, it made him remember the converstation that he had had with Vin that morning, he hadn't even realised that he had kept the others away from Ezra. He knew that JD hadn't spent much time with Ezra over the last two weeks but it hadn't been his fault, JD hadn't even complained when he refused his offers to sit with Ezra so he could get some rest. He wasn't going to do that again, JD had spent most of the afternoon taking care of Ezra and he could tell that JD was grateful for the opportunity, they all were.

"Nathan!" JD called him once more as he took Ezra's protesting arm and gently pulled it back down.

Nathan came forward and sat on the bed, he placed a hand against Ezra's face, feeling the coolness of his skin. "His fever has broken." He watched as Ezra's eyelids fluttered and opened, they closed again. "Ezra." The eyes opened again but they were unfocused. "Ezra, it's Nathan, you with me Ezra." The green eyes turned to the sound but it was another few minutes before they focused on the voice's owner.

"Nathan?" Ezra croaked and licked at the dryness of his lips.

"Yeah. How you feeling Ezra?" Nathan wiped the hair away from his forehead while he waited for an answer. Ezra seemed to concentrate for a moment before answering.

"My head hurts like hell and I feel sick." He frowned and then his eyes widened. "I did it, didn't I Nathan. I actually tried to shoot myself."

"Not on purpose Ezra, you got a concussion when you fell down this morning and that had a lot to do with what you did." Nathan tried to explain to him.

"No Nathan, the idea was there, it's been there for a while now." Ezra closed his eyes and turned his head back towards JD and allowed himself to fall into the darkness of sleep.

Chris dropped his eyes to the floor again, hiding the fear and anger that he felt at that last statement, he was going to talk to Ezra when he woke up agian and force some sense into him, he wasn't going to leave him alone until he had his word that he wasn't going to do something so stupid again

When Ezra woke again two hours later, the lamps in his room had been lit to stop the oncoming darkness, it had tried to enter the room as it did every evening but it had not been allowed to this time, it waited outside the window for it's turn. Buck was holding Ezra's hand when he felt him try to pull it away from him, he quickly grabbed it again and squeezed it, he saw the grimace on Ezra's face and smiled.

"I'm not letting go Ezra so stop trying." Buck told him.

Ezra tried again but Buck was true to his word, he wasn't going to let go, he turned his head away, he didn't want to look at him or any of the others, he was embarrassed by what he had done, what he tried to do. He tried to roll over but hands pulled him back.

"Ezra I want you to drink some water, you haven't had any for a while." Nathan told him as he pulled him back towards him. He lifted Ezra's head and helped him to drink the water, he didn't fail to notice that he wouldn't open his eyes. "Are you still feeling sick Ezra?"

"No."

"What about your head. Has the pain eased at all?"

"Yes."

"Can you open your eyes for me Ezra. I want to check your vision."

When Ezra finally opened his eyes Nathan could see the shame that they held, his own heart sunk but he didn't let his feelings show. He held up one finger. "How many do you see?"

"One." Ezra muttered as he quickly closed his eyes again.

"Is your vision blurry at all?" Nathan continued to ask the questions, more to get him talking than anything else.

"No."

"How do you feel otherwise Ezra?" He began to stroke Ezra's face in a comforting way and Ezra opened his eyes and looked straight back at him.

"I feel terrible Nathan and if none of you want anything to do with me anymore I'll understand." Ezra's eyes didn't waver, he was looking for confirmation of what he thought in Nathan's eyes but he didn't see any.

"Where not going anywhere Ezra." Buck told him as he squeezed his hand again.

"Nathan, Buck. Could you give me a minute with him please." Chris asked them as he tried to hold the anger and fear that he had been feeling since Ezra pointed Buck's gun to his head and pulled the trigger but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it in for long. Nathan and Buck stood at the back of the room with the others.

"Ezra look at me!" Chris growled at him. Ezra had closed his eyes and turned his head away when Chris sat down on the bed. "Ezra! I'm not going to ask you again!"

Ezra reluctantly opened his eyes and turned his head back to Chris, he was shocked by what he saw. Chris's eyes were full of fear and anger.

"I want you to promise me that you won't do anything thing like that again Ezra." Chris spoke as calmly as he could but he didn't recieve an answer. "Ezra!" The tone became threatening.

"I promise." Ezra muttered as he turned his head away again.

Chris leant forward and grabbed Ezra's jaw and pulled his face back towards him, he didn't realise how hard he was squeezing his fingers into Ezra's flesh, he didn't see the pain that filled his eyes. "That's not good enough. I want you promise Ezra. I want your word." Chris leaned even closer to him. "You scared the hell out of everyone of us Ezra, do you hear me. I nearly died when you pulled that trigger and I don't want to go through that again. Your family, do you realise what your death would do to us! DO YOU!" Chris was beginning to yell now and he squeezed Ezra's jaw harder trying to get his thoughts into the stubborn mind that lay before him. "I want you to swear on Sarah's and Adam's grave that you won't put me through that again . . ."

"CHRIS!" Buck shouted at him as he tried to release Ezra's jaw from his grip. "Chris let him go!"

The other men stood back, they knew exactly how Chris felt and they wanted to hear Ezra promise that he wouldn't do it again, Buck was the only one who stepped forward to stop Chris.

Chris blinked his eyes and looked down into Ezra's face, he could see the fear and pain that he had caused him and he took his hand away, his eyes watered at the sight of the finger marks that he caused, he knew would turn into bruises.

"I'm sorry Ezra." He rubbed his eyes and got up off the bed.

"Chris." Ezra winced at the pain in his jaw and waited for Chris to turn around. "I won't do it again. I promise. I'm sorry."

"Just make sure you keep your promise Ezra, I'll never forgive you if you break it." Chris didn't say anymore as he walked out of the room.

Nathan moved foward and sat down on the bed, he carefully checked Ezra's jaw to make sure it was alright. "Your gonna have some nice bruises there Ezra." He smiled down at him. "Chris spoke for all of us Ezra. We don't want you doing that again." He patted his leg. "Why don't you get some sleep, we'll come back later and I'll bring you something to eat." Nathan got up and left the room as well.

Ezra's eyes moved to Buck and waited for his speech. "Never again Ezra." Buck placed his hand against Ezra's face and saw him wince at the touch but he knew it was because his jaw was sore from Chris's grip. "Never again Ezra." He got up and grabbed the guns that his friends had left behind and followed Nathan and Chris out of the room.

Ezra didn't fail to notice that they weren't wearing their guns, his gaze turned to Vin who sat down on the bed. "You want to be alone or would you like one of us to stay a while."

"Alone Vin. I need to think about some things and sort out my thoughts."

"Sure Ezra, I'll come back later. Want me to sneak a drink past Nathan." He smiled at Ezra's response, he was also grateful that his mind was now going to be pre-occupied with thoughts of how to get a whisky bottle pass Nathan.

Ezra looked at JD, he was the last person he wanted to speak to, he looked passed him and saw Josiah standing in the corner. No Josiah was the last person.

"Ezra. What did you go and do that for? Is it all really that bad?" JD asked him quietly.

"Yes it is JD. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day but not now." Ezra muttered as he looked away from him.

"Maybe we can have a game of cards later, I've got plenty of money to loose." JD offered.

"I'd like that JD. Thanks." Ezra looked back at him and watched the smile cross JD's face before he left the room. He didn't want to play cards but if it made JD feel better then he would.

Ezra was now left alone with Josiah, he didn't know where to look, he knew he was still angry at him so he decided to wait to hear what he was going to say but Josiah didn't say anything, he sadly looked at Ezra and then quietly left the room shutting the door behind him.

Ezra closed his eyes and sighed angrily. "Your just like my father Josiah, your exactly like that Bastard."

Chris quietly stepped into the falsely lit room and made his way to the bed, Ezra was lying on his stomach with his head facing the chair that had been placed closely to the bed so they could watch him sleep. He sat down and was suprised to hear Ezra's voice.

"Chris?" Ezra muttered as he forced his eyes open.

"Did I wake you?" Chris asked him.

"No, I woke up a few minutes ago." The nightmare was still clear in his mind but his father's face had been a blur, the years had taken his image from his memory.

Chris took note of the damp hair and the blanket that was gathered around him. "Another nightmare?"

"Yes but I don't want to talk about it."

"That's okay Ezra, I wanted to do the talking anyway. I'm sorry about before Ezra, I was angry and scared about what you did. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that, I should have been more understanding." Chris leaned forward and gently touched the small bruises on Ezra's face.

"I didn't really give you a choice Chris." Ezra closed his eyes again. "I was being my usual stubborn self."

"No, there's no excuse Ezra." Chris removed his hand from Ezra's face.

"Yes there is, it's called concern." Ezra smiled slightly.

"Are you going to let us help you through this Ezra?" Chris asked him.

"I'm going to have to Chris, you took my only other option away from me." Ezra spoke quietly as he drifted off to sleep but the words spoke volumes to Chris. Ezra still thought about taking his life but wouldn't do it because he had given his word.

The End

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