Mark’s Super Long Summary:

Scene 1: The One With the Funeral

Two gravediggers are discussing a person who is to be buried that day. The discussion centers around whether or not the person, a woman, should be buried because there is a suspicion that she committed suicide, an offense which is against the church. They agree that it appears people of a certain station in life are granted more privileges than more common folk. They discuss other items and the first gravedigger concludes with a riddle: “Who builds a stronger home than a mason, shipwright or carpenter?” The answer is a gravedigger because his work must last through doomsday. The second gravedigger leaves and Hamlet and Horatio arrive as the first gravedigger goes about his business. He sings a merry song as he does and this surprises Hamlet, though Horatio states that time has made him less sensitive to death. 

The gravedigger begins tossing up skulls and with each one, Hamlet ponders the meaning of the life of the person who once owned the skull. Hamlet asks the gravedigger whose grave it is and the gravedigger replies that it's his. Hamlet questions him further and after several rounds of wordplay, the gravedigger reveals that it was for a woman. Hamlet asks how long the man has been a gravedigger and he replies that he has been there since the day "young Hamlet" was born. The gravedigger produces another skull and pronounces that it is the skull of the king's jester, Yorick. Hamlet asks to see it. Hamlet remembers Yorick who he knew as a boy then asks Horatio if this was the ultimate fate of Alexander. He goes on to wonder about what becomes of people after their death and wonders whether their deeds while on earth are enough to justify the ends to which they come. 

As the King, Laertes and others approach, Hamlet and Horatio hide.  Laertes asks the priest what further services remain and the priest replies that they've already done more than they should have, considering Ophelia's death may have been a suicide, which offends Laertes. This statement reveals to the hidden Hamlet that it is Ophelia that's being buried. Gertrude scatters flowers into the grave, then Laertes leaps into the grave and demands that the dirt be piled on them both. Hamlet leaps into the grave as well. They struggle, and Claudius orders that they be broken up and attendants manage to separate them. Hamlet then announces that he, too, loved Ophelia and states his objections to Laertes show of grief.  Hamlet concludes by stating he does not understand why Laertes has acted so abusive toward him. He storms off and Claudius asks Horatio, then Gertrude to follow Hamlet. He then reminds Laertes that soon his chance for revenge will come. 

Scene 2: The One Where Everyone Important Dies

Hamlet and Horatio converse in the castle.  Hamlet tells the tale of how his return to Denmark remarks on how fate seems to be interceding in his life. He tells of how he found the package Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were carrying and examined the letters sent by Claudius, learning that he was to be killed upon arrival in England. He describes how he wrote a second letter, ordering that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern be put to death and sealed it with his father's signet ring and replaced it all where he had found it. He further states that he feels no guilt for the deaths of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern because they took the assignment willingly.  Hamlet then asks Horatio if he thinks his murder of Claudius will be justified. Horatio reminds him that the news from England should arrive shortly and Hamlet says he plans to act before this.  Hamlet expresses regret over his conduct with Laertes and states he wishes to make peace. 

Osric, a courtier, enters and addresses Hamlet. After a great deal of wordplay, during which Hamlet has Osric remove, then replace his hat, Osric states that the king has placed a wager that Laertes cannot beat Hamlet in a tournament using rapiers and daggers. Hamlet agrees to the duel and sends Osric on his way. A short time later a lord appears asking when the duel can take place and Hamlet says whenever the king wants. The lord reports the king and queen are on their way. 

Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes and others enter for the tournament. Claudius asks Hamlet to shake hands with Laertes and call a truce to their differences. Hamlet speaks to Laertes, asking his pardon for the offenses Hamlet has committed against him. Laertes says he's unsatisfied by Hamlet's words, but will put aside their differences until a more appropriate time. Hamlet and Laertes choose their swords; Laertes chooses the poisoned one.  Claudius drinks a toast then vows to toss a pearl into the cup for Hamlet if he makes the first or second hit. Hamlet and Laertes begin their duel. Hamlet makes the first hit and Claudius places the pearl into the cup but Hamlet refuses to drink. Hamlet makes a second hit and Claudius declares that he will win. Gertrude takes the cup to drink to Hamlet's health. Claudius tries to stop her, but fails. . Laertes, in an aside, states his conscience almost keeps him from carrying out his revenge against Hamlet. They resume the match and, while waiting for a ruling on a hit, Laertes wounds Hamlet.  A fight then occurs and in the confusion, they switch swords and Hamlet wounds Laertes.  The queen falls and cries out that she is poisoned. Hamlet cries out for the doors to be locked, but Laertes tells him that the poison that has killed his mother will soon kill him. Laertes tells Hamlet about the poisoned sword and wine. Hamlet stabs Claudius with the rapier makes him drink the wine as well.

Laertes calls out to Hamlet to forgive him for his plot against Hamlet and in return he forgives Hamlet for the offenses he has committed against Laertes. Laertes dies. Not wanting to outlive his friend, Horatio tries to drink from the cup too, but Hamlet stops him and asks Horatio to tell everyone the story. Hamlet hears a sound and asks what it is?  Osric reports that it is Fortinbras, returning from his Polish adventures, saluting the returning English ambassadors. Hamlet, with his dying breath, gives Fortinbras power. Fortinbras and the ambassadors enter and are taken aback by the gruesome scene they find. The ambassador announces that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Horatio explains that the king didn't give the order and requests that Hamlet and the rest be placed on view while he recounts all that has befallen them. Fortinbras hastens the story to be told and recalls that he has some claim to lands in Denmark. Horatio states that he has some information on that as well. Fortinbras calls on four captains to bear Hamlet to the stage, stating that had he been given the chance, he may have proven a good king.