FOOTBEING
Human turned to face the man standing next to him.
"This way, he's right over there," he said to him, but pointing at Mike.
After staring at the sky one last time, the newly-ordained king faced the people inside the room. Human and his companion walked casually across the room, stopping to chat with a friend or two along the way. Before they reached Mike though, the king spotted them first.
"Human!" Mike exclaimed, "How ya doing buddy?" Of course he followed this up with a laugh. Human stared into Mike's bloodshot eyes and hoped Mike wasn't too wasted. He wanted his king to deliver a good impression. When he finally did reach Mike, Human introduced his partner.
"Hi Mike. I want you to meet my cousin." Mike opened his eyes wide in delight, revealing avenues of red veins.
"Your cousin? Why Human! I didn't know you had any relatives! How are you fine sir? My name is Mike Cheney, king of all you see." He offered his hand for a shake and Human's cousin accepted.
"Hello your majesty," the guy said, surprised to see that the new king of the Center of Power didn't have blue skin, "My name is Garbanzo."
"Garbanzo Being, huh?" Mike said, studying the Traesian. He was six foot two and had blonde hair. His clothes were well-ironed and paper thin. His shirt had the words KISS MY ASS spread across the chest in big black letters. "Lovely shirt. Well let me tell you Mr. Being, you don't have to call me your majesty or anything like that because...well...because for some reason or another you just don't have to!" Mike laughed again and Human wished he would stop the cheery bullshit attitude and just be himself. He was introducing his cousin to the king and the king laughs in his face. Garbanzo was taken aback. King Bineth ruled in his kingdom so he was not used to jovial royalty. Mike came across a little eccentric and Garbanzo wondered if he was insane.
"Is this guy okay?" he asked Human quietly under his breath, but Mike heard and answered the question.
"Of course I'm okay!" Mike said seriously, "I'm okay as okay can be yessiree. Hey Human is there any hard liquor around? I sure could use a belt!"
Mike started talking again before Human could answer. He and Garbanzo stared as the king rambled on and on about everything there is to talk about. He laughed, then talked, then laughed and talked at the same time. Although Garbanzo was used to Bineth, he did acquire a liking to this king with the tan skin. After a few more minutes of chattering from Mike, he paused and Human saw his chance to break in.
"Hey Mike we want to come to our family reunion. We haven't had one in about five years."
"Family reunion? I'd love to come! Why Human, you not only have relatives but you also have families that reunion together. How incredible! How simply incredible!"
A small crowd began to gather as Mike's voice became more and more overpowering. He was talking rather loud and Human felt like throwing him out the nearest window if he didn't soon shut his trap.
"Come on Mike, let's get going! The reunion is happening right now out by where I live. I want you to meet all my relatives."
"How did you manage to get them all here on today of all days?"
"Oh this has been planned for months, but when the Messenger spread the news across the planet that you had become the next king of the Center of Power, we all decided to gather here. There was no certain location set anyway."
"That's great!" said Mike and he meant it. He stared straight into Human's eyes and this seemed to cut through the postulan cloud. A mental message passed from mind to mind and in that one instant of staring at each other, Human and Mike had somehow become closer. Human no longer cared how Mike conducted himself and Mike now wanted to act more respectable than ever when being introduced to Human's relatives. Human Being wanted Mike to meet his family because he liked Mike and was not ashamed of him as a king - his king. He thought back to the previous minute when Mike was talking his head off, wanting to know where his family was, what they looked like, what their names were, what they brushed their teeth with and what kinds of clothes they wore. Human laughed, feeling that not another man could do a better job of being king than the one that stood before him with the shit-eating grin on his face.
People soon lost interest in Mike's confusing conversation and resumed their normal mingling. This signaled Mike to give the cue for departure. He lifted his arms out to Human, beckoning him to lead the way. He did.
Garbanzo followed Human, and Mike followed Garbanzo. Soon they were walking down the hallway towards the first staircase on their way out. They went down the stairs, across another hall, through a huge rarely-used ballroom, in and out of another ballroom (not quite as big as the first), across another hallway, down another staircase, into the parlor and out into the sunlit archway at the entrance to the castle.
"I can't wait to get back to all the others," said Human, still walking, "Everyone's anxious to see you Mike."
Mike heard but didn't look at Human. He stared at the moat as they marched across the drawbridge and this made him contemplate the moat monster Tienna and how he had last seen his friend from the watery depths. They cut her up into little bits! It seemed too fantastic to believe, this business of Bob dying. He did not allow himself to get caught up in the emotion of those moments, surprisingly. Instead he looked up and met Human's eyes.
"Oh really? I'm looking forward to seeing them, too. Tell me Human, how many relatives have reunioned this time and have I ever met any of them before?"
"No I don't think so. They live deep in the South Woods under the rule of Bineth. I myself haven't seen them in years." The three walked across the drawbridge and onto the lawn. Once there, they marched straight for the West Woods, the general direction of the Being hut. Across the vast green field of freshly cut grass they went, forcing Mike to dwell on the beauty of the great outdoors. Traesians were scattered about and they passed several; groups forming into congregations, congregations dwindling and rejoining. A group of six Traesian women stomped the ground with their butts and sang some song extremely out of tune. Other weird things were performed before their eyes and it was hard for Mike to distinguish the weird from the normal. But, he thought, to Traesians, being weird is normal.
To the forest they walked and quickly reached it. Trees of all shapes, sizes and origins stemmed mightily from the planet and to Mike, some of them resembled huge celery stalks. This caused him to laugh but not because of the postulan in his system - he laughed because being in the forest is what he loved most. The smell of ominous dense woods in the air made him tingle, inflicting a feeling upon him far more enjoyable than postulan. Human and Garbanzo paid no attention to his laughs. Instead they tromped among the foliage, not seeking a trail as some people do. This made Mike feel even more euphoric and was glad the two in front chose to venture this way. Many things appeared to his mind and were dismissed, but the forest continually held his attention. He examined each tree they passed, studying every detail as best he could, a habit formed long ago in his childhood. How high is this one? And this one looks like a tough one to climb but I betcha I could. I can't even see the tops of these things! Hey, there goes some strange-looking bird and what do you know? There's a lavatorn bird! Flush away baby, flush away.
Every step was taken seriously and even though the postulan ultimately had the final say in how he perceived the world around him, he was always alert for anything, a trait he had been born with. The only forest that made him feel uneasy and out of whack with nature were the North Woods, but that was understandable. The sounds of the animals and swaying trees in this forest, however, gave him an inner strength to think clearer, to sharpen his wits to their fullest. He stepped on a rotted log. Oh! That's definitely a pine, having fallen three years ago, approximately eight feet in diameter originally, now infested with termites and destined for a life to benefit scavengers. Beyond the log, a jagged rock, a smaller tree (soon to also fall, bent in such a way that it will soon die), ferns galore and a hole about three feet deep is right over there.
Mike knew this spot in the woods very well, having traveled to this area before, yet not the exact route. In front of him and to the left is a branch he snapped accidentally from the side of the tree about a month ago when he was climbing. The branch continues to grow in a bent, twisted fashion. The three walked for another one hundred yards through more forest guts before they came upon the tree with its dangling branch. The branch, bigger than what Mike had remembered, swayed four feet above them, still alive as the tree it was attached to. Human continued walking straight but when Mike was here last, he turned left and went north. In the North Woods he hunted the "boars of Henderson." The group of large swine had been so labeled after the man who raised them, a huge man named Henderson. He lived alone and owned about one hundred boars (only a few sows). Nobody knew where Henderson came from or where he got the pigs, and he talked to nobody. Mike visited him once on a dare. He journeyed to the place on a sunny afternoon only to find the farm abandoned. Henderson was never seen or heard from again. His boars got loose and have lived and multiplied in these forests for about a year and a half. Some thought they would become a nuisance, but like their owner before them, they remained quiet and out of sight. Mike loved hunting them with his bare hands. When people told him he was crazy for doing such a thing, he assured them he wasn't. It was just the most effective method he could think of. He had hunted and killed three huge boars so far, and it hadn't been easy.
"It's right up there!" Human said, snapping Mike out of his daydream, "Hey, how's it going?" Human yelled to a group of people seventy feet in front of them. A spot of sunlight broke through a sparse hole in the forest ceiling and lit up the area where they stood. String Being's hut stood off to one side of the spot where the Being relatives gathered to have their reunion.
Human and Garbanzo raced off through the dwindling foliage to join the festivities, not wanting to miss a thing. Together they raced, two Traesians hurdling brush and stumps, their white T-shirts clashing with the edge of the forest shadow. Mike hesitated for just a second, staring at the back of Human's T-shirt (which had the words GO TO HELL printed on it). Then he noticed the familiar sight of String Being with a beer clasped tightly in his right hand and this made Mike smile. He ran to the crowd and had caught up with Human and Garbanzo, all three reaching the group at the same time. They yelled like little kids playing war and made such a commotion that the entire crowd turned to see what was responsible for the noise.
"Hi!" Human said before anyone else had a chance to say anything. He laughed and of course, Mike laughed immediately after.
"Hello," the crowd said simultaneously, friendly faces returning the greeting. They turned their heads back and resumed their previous mingling. Garbanzo immediately turned to his right and walked to several friends and began talking with them. Human walked to his left and met Baked twenty feet away and began a conversation about beer. Mike thought this was rude. Human wanted him to meet all his relatives, then he walks away the instant they arrive to the reunion and leaves him standing alone. After a few minutes of standing around and looking at the trees, Mike began to feel out of place, but he knew he shouldn't. To emphasize that point, a voice cried throughout the crowd.
"Excuse me everybody! Can I have your attention please!" The voice was loud and overpowering. The crowd of fifty or more people quieted quickly. Mike peered over the heads of others to see who it was that had spoken. He was surprised to see that it was the old, noble, and very serious King Bineth. What is he doing here? Is he actually talking with other people and having fun? Is that possible?
"I would like to propose a toast!" King Bineth looked at Mike and raised his glass. "To Mike Cheney - the new king of the Center of Power." He lowered the goblet in his hand and began drinking whatever it was that was inside. There was a short pause as everyone looked at Mike. String Being approached him and handed him a glass filled with beer. As if on cue, everyone, Mike included, drank from their glasses. When the simultaneous drink was over, applause erupted from the crowd and it nearly gave Mike a heart-attack. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He stared at his feet, embarrassed. This was the second time in one day he was being clapped at and it made him feel uncomfortable. This, however, was different from his inaugural speech. These people were close up and could see his every expression. There was no room behind to disappear into. To his relief, the applause soon died down and all was silent. The gathering continued to stare at him.
If you think I'm giving a speech you're full of shit!
He looked up and his eyes met those of King Bineth. In those cold and distant eyes Mike felt the wisdom of a thousand kings absorb into his soul. It became obvious why Bineth rarely spoke. With those eyes, he doesn't need to say a damned word. Mike expected maybe the hint of a smile to appear on the king's wrinkled, worn face, but it didn't. The old king looked away and to Mike's relief, so did everybody else. He could not picture himself pouring out his philosophies on being a king at this time. Maybe after I've had a few beers, all right people? He looked down at the beer in the glass surrounded by his hand, then to his right. Looking back at him was the beaming face of String Being.
"Hi!" he yelled. Mike jumped then laughed. He felt good to have someone to talk to that was from his kingdom. "You wanna walk around and have me introduce you to some people?"
"Sure!" Mike yelled equally loud, returning the favor.
"All right!" String yelled again, beer foam absorbing into his long beard, "I'll introduce you to some Being's I'm sure you haven't met before."
The clear, sunlit area in the middle of the forest was rather large, but still crowded. String and Mike walked to a gathering of three Traesians; two young girls and a woman close to Mike's age. As they approached, Mike focused on the older one and waited for his gnawing stare to lift her head. She did and Mike gasped. She was beautiful, her gaze haunting, black and deep, almost hypnotic. Within a second she looked away as if thinking the same of Mike.
"Hello girls," String belched and they all laughed at his grossness, "I'd like you to meet the new king around here; Mike Cheney. Mike, this is Kidney, Lima and Jelly." The oldest was Jelly. Mike would have guessed that anyway, for a name such as Kidney or Lima just didn't seem to fit the beauty of this woman.
Okay Mike, slow down a little, don't get too excited.
"Hello your majesty," Kidney Being said, the little girl diverting Mike’s attention away from Jelly. He looked at Kidney as she curtsied as well as one could in a forest. String and Mike looked at each other and laughed, neither of them having been curtsied at before. Kidney looked hurt when they finished their guffaws and String picked up on it immediately.
"Oh, we're sorry Kidney," String said, "We weren't laughing at you were we Mike?" Mike shook his head. "No Kidney, you see, right when you curtsied the two of us suddenly remembered a joke at the same time and wouldn't you know it? It was the same joke, too!"
This seemed to do for although it was a terrible excuse, Kidney was quite young and not yet able to tell when a grown-up was lying.
After Kidney, there was Lima. She was a small, very timid little girl that clasped tightly onto a stavik doll as though it was keeping her from dying a horrible death.
"Hi Lima," said Mike. The little girl shrieked an earsplitting wail that seemed to vibrate the forest around them, echoing into it deep and long.
"Holy shit! What the hell is wrong with her?" Mike leapt back, clutching his chest in the general area of his quicksand flow and felt his heart throbbing with shock. Nobody seemed to care that Lima had screamed so Mike knew there had to be an explanation, whether it made sense or not.
"Excuse her sire," said a voice and Mike looked to up to greet the face that belonged with it. It was Jelly. "That's just the way she says 'Hi'."
"You're kidding!"
"No, it's true. It is strange but we have all become accustomed to it." Mike laughed for the nine millionth time that day, wondering how anyone could become accustomed to a little girl shrieking like a motleb in heat.
"Well I wonder how she says 'Good-by'?" he commented rhetorically, not really expecting to find out. Nevertheless he did. Jelly Being took a few steps back, the expression on her face suggesting the worse. Lima, her expressionless face staring past them, through them, clutched her doll by its throat as her mouth began to widen. Suddenly her eyes bulged from their sockets and her face became transformed into a fit of mad, unforgettable restraint.
"What the..." String began but that's all he said. From Lima's mouth blared the sound of all sounds. It was hard to describe and it was extremely loud. The wave of noise was a mixture of several small animals howling or throwing up, in addition to the grind of a boulder scraping against the side of a cliff. When she was done five seconds later, Lima resumed her normal, wide-eyed paranoiac stance.
"That's how," said Jelly.
Mike looked away and reminded himself not to speak to that little girl again, although he had an urge to ask her to recite her ABCs.
Jelly Being stared at Mike and the king brought himself to greet her formally.
"Hello Jelly," he said, almost laughing at how funny that sounded, "How do you do?"
"Fine thank you," Jelly replied, looking into Mike's eyes. She did not look away. In that short moment, Mike fell in love with her. Love her? How can I love her? I don't even know her, or do I? Maybe I met her earlier today but can't remember or something like that. I'll just talk to her for a second and see what she's like.
Mike extended his hand for her to shake but instead, she stared at him in horror.
"What's wrong?" he asked but she didn't answer. Mike followed her gaze and noticed she wasn't staring at him but rather, just to the right of him. Mike turned to look, and then he saw what it was Jelly was looking at. In the outer region of Mike’s hair, a small bug crawled with contentment. It suddenly fell down two feet and landed at the end of one of Mike's frizzy locks. Mike grabbed the bug from his hair nonchalantly and examined it. Jelly Being looked even more terrified as Mike handled the disgusting little thing. The bug was a shiny bright green, red and yellow. Thin, transparent wings fluttered at short intervals.
"What's the matter?" Mike asked, not seeing the bug as a gross scary object of death. He rather liked it. Suddenly, a crazy thought occurred to him. Smiling first, he opened his mouth, placed the bug neatly inside it, then closed.
"Ohhhh iiiiccckkkkk!" Jelly screamed. She quickly turned around and ran off into the forest. Her shrieks of terror and disgust followed her through the woods and nobody saw her the rest of the day.
"Well would you get that!" Mike said, "Can you believe that she would get grossed out over something like that? Sheesh!"
"What did you do to that bug?" String asked, "You didn't eat it did you?"
"Of course not. It's right here in my hand. I took it out right after she ran away. It was just a joke man. Oh well, whatever." As if the incident never occurred, Mike and String turned and walked away to meet more people. As they did, String explained his relationship with Jelly, Kidney and the loud little Lima.
"They're my nieces, my brother's daughters," he said.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"What's your brother's name?"
"Franken. His wife's name is Porken. As a matter of fact I saw them around here just a second ago...oh! There they are!" String pointed to a couple about twenty-five feet away. The man looked like a regular Traesian, but the woman at his side was very short and very wide. Her face resembled one of Henderson's boars and Mike could see why her name was Porken.
"String, I don't mean to be rude, but she sure is fat."
"Hey, she may be fat but boy is she ugly!"
Mike stared at String wide-eyed, his mouth opening to prepare for an oncoming laugh. It came.
"What did you say?" he asked but String was laughing at his own silliness also and could not answer. The two of them walked to Franken and Porken Being, their giddiness finally dying down to smiles. As they approached, Franken and Porken looked up to greet them.
"Hey look who's here honey; String and the new king, Mike. We met earlier today, remember sire?" Franken looked straight into Mike's eyes and the new king surely did remember. A short while after the kings had arrived (just before the royal smorgasbord), a little girl had jumped into the moat. Sure that she was in trouble, Franken jumped in to save her. As it turned out, the little girl was completely safe. She was an excellent swimmer and it was never clear why Franken thought she was in trouble. Anyway, the girl left the moat on her own power and everyone walked away, forgetting about Franken. He treaded water as best he could but it wasn't good enough. Unfortunately for him, he couldn't tread water at all. Mike just happened to be walking by and he heard muffled shouts for help coming from the moat. He saw Franken drowning and dove in (he was thinking about taking a dip anyway) and drug Franken to shore.
"Yes I remember you." Mike looked to his right and stared at Porken. She was quite a sight and the king wondered how in the world any man could bring himself to marry such a creature.
"Hello Porken," said Mike.
"Hello," she grunted and a grunt it was. Slobber dripped from her wide mouth and she smiled - at least it looked like a smile. "How are you doing your majesty? I'm certainly delighted to meet your acquaintance."
Mike stared at her in shock. Is she really a person, or maybe a weird scientific experiment gone wacko?
He glanced back at Franken and he was smiling as if proud of his wife. Maybe the guy's blind, deaf, insane or all of the above.
Being one to accept things stranger than himself, Mike continued the conversation.
"So tell me Franken, how has life been treating you?"
Franken instantly looked confused, trying to figure out who this "Life" guy was and why he should be treating anybody at all, nicely or otherwise. Since Mike was the king, he didn't want to seem like a dumbshit.
"Oh," Franken began, "I saw Mr. Life just the other day and he was treating me pretty well..." His voice dwindled off into inaudible words that didn't make any sense if heard anyway. He turned and looked at the crowd. For not wanting to seem like a dumbshit, he performed terribly. Franken knew he came across that way and felt like digging a deep trench and burying himself in the dirt that came from it.
"Oh honey," said Porken, "What the king asked was 'How has your wife been treating you?' Can't you hear anything?"
"What?"
"Never mind, I'll answer for you. Your majesty, I've been treating Franken like a king, if you'll pardon the expression. When he comes home from his job of cracking cement with a fifty-pound sledge hammer all day, I make sure he takes it easy. After washing the dishes, weeding the garden and fields, cleaning the house, scrubbing down all the furniture and then feeding me, I see to it that he relaxes by giving him a kiss on the cheek. Now isn't it obvious that his wife treats him tremendously well?"
Mike suddenly looked like he had bit into a lemon slice. He stared at String and the Traesian returned the expression. Then they burst into a fit of laughter. Mike was glad as hell that String was someone he could relate to, a person that thought like he did.
"That's right," Franken beamed, glad to see that Mike and String found his life to be jolly, "Porken's quite a gal!"
After a few more moments of bullshitting about clashing subjects, String casually mentioned that he wanted to introduce Mike to more people. Porken replied by popping a zit that was growing in the middle of her forehead.
"Honey!" Franken exclaimed, "You should let me get those!"
Feeling their exit had been duly announced, Mike and String walked away as fast as they could. They stopped when they got to a small clearing near a tree that looked familiar to Mike.
"String!" he laughed, "I can't believe those two! What planet do they come from?" String was laughing too hard to reply but he did shrug his shoulders to confirm an "I don't know." Minutes passed and their laughter died down. Mike found himself spacing out on the ground at his feet, but once in a while he looked around to appear he was interested in what was going on. Actually, he was. He was interested in everything. The ground, however, captured most of his attention. Looking down he saw pine needles, leaves turning brown with death, dirt, moss growing old with mold and other unidentifiable colors of unknown origin. He stomped his feet to see if the ground was as hard as it looked. It wasn't. It felt like jagged rock when he stood still, but when he stomped, the softness of the mulch of the forest floor returned.
"What are you doing?" String asked.
"Oh you know me," Mike replied quickly, "Always stomping around the fucking place. Hey String buddy, I thought you were going to introduce me to some more people!"
"Yes of course but let's refill our glasses first." Mike looked down at his empty mug and could not remember even taking a sip or even having a mug. Of course, this made him laugh.
"I'd have to agree String my old friend." Mike smiled as String turned to lead the way towards more refreshments, and he followed. Suddenly String stopped to face Mike.
"You know what Mike?"
"What?"
"You sure are laughing a hell of a lot for no reason. Why is that?"
"Oh, well I ate too many postulan seeds I think and I can't seem to control myself." To prove his point, Mike started laughing real hard. He held his gut and bent over, and String was worried the new king would die on the spot from laughter. Mike laughed so hard that people began staring at him.
"What's so funny?" asked a nearby Being boy who cradled a football in his hands.
"Oh nothing," Mike replied, "We were just thinking of how lucky we are that evolution didn't take the other path and force us all to look like inside-out fish hearts."
The boy, of course, was confused by this and was going to ask Mike what he meant, but a small red-haired Traesian boy ran by and grabbed the first boy with him as he went past. They disappeared into a crowd of other Traesians, one of whom Mike recognized as Human.
Mike turned back to String and was going to ask him how his brewing business was going, but suddenly a small blue rock forced its way out of String's nose and fell to the ground.
"Holy shit!" String yelled, "What the hell was that?" His shout of surprise permeated the crowd and several Traesians turned their heads to look. Mike stared at the rock on the ground, at String, back to the rock, then finally at String again.
"It...uh...looks like a rock, uh, String. Say man what are you? I mean, are you some weird creature from another planet or do all Traesians do this?" Mike faced the crowd and asked them just that. It was concluded that String was the only Traesian that had this happen to him.
"Hey, I don't know how that happened. It...it was just one of those things." String looked away, embarrassed and soon the incident passed onto the vault of forgotten conversations. Once done, Mike resumed the original conversation.
"So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, my laughing so much. Well like I said, I ate too many postulan seeds and now everything seems really strange to me and I laugh my head off, but so what? I'm the king man, I can do anything I want."
String stared at Mike, his expression showing his respect for royalty as well as Mike's disrespect for it. It wasn't an easy expression but String managed to pull it off.
Mike let the conversation pass from his mind as he looked for the beer keg. He found the silver barrel sitting upright about twenty-five feet away in the cool shade of a huge tree that he was unable to identify. There were several people standing near it, but none in line for more beer. The two walked to it, refilled their glasses, then continued mingling with the crowd. String introduced Mike to Beings of all shapes and sizes. He figured he had been around long enough to meet just about everybody he needed or wanted to, but with every introduction to a new Being, Mike realized there were lots of people on this planet he wanted to meet but hasn’t yet. This group was a good one. All of Human's relatives were friendly and happy to meet the new king of the Center of Power.
"Mike, I'd like you to meet Mister and Missus Being," String said as they approached a nice-looking middle-aged couple, "This is Mister and that's the Missus."
"How are you doing? Nice to meet you." Mike extended his hand for Mister to shake and as the two found a mutual grip, Mike belched one of the loudest burps he had ever let loose from his gullet. Thinking this was some type of greeting associated with Sheeks, Mister belched back into Mike's face. His expression remained calm, contradicting the sound that just erupted from it. Mike was stunned but then laughed.
"I'm very pleased to meet you King Mike," said Mister as their hands finally let loose their grips. Mister possessed the look of a family man, his soft sullen hair combed to perfection, every strand in its place. He wore an evening jacket and smoked a pipe. All he lacked, Mike mused, was a stavik to bring him his slippers. As he thought this, a small light-colored stavik walked to Mister's side, a pair of soft rabbit-fur slippers in its mouth.
"Why thank you Rover," Mister said. Mike, amused, looked at Missus. She was the perfect match. She held an apron in her left hand that she couldn't decide to wear or just hold onto. Her hair was fresh from rollers, delicate makeup highlighting her features just enough for a soft touch. She was small and her face had the motherly glow that made you want to cuddle up next to her for comfort and a bedtime story. Interestingly enough, they had no children.
"Hey, it's the new king," a voice exclaimed from ten feet away. Mike looked up and saw a young boy standing next to two older boys.
"Yeah that's me," Mike said, staring at the youngest boy whom he assumed was the one who spoke. The three of them approached as Mister and Missus Being wandered over to speak with Franken and Porken. The boys looked tough and unfriendly, except for the biggest one - he looked tough, unfriendly and homicidal. They all wore identical leather jackets, signifying they belonged to a club or something. Their black, sleek hair was combed the same way (to the left and back) and they even walked the same way and at stepped their steps the same time.
I wonder if they're related to Sit, Back and Relax? Mike wondered. They reached the King and String and said nothing, their blunt, mean stares hindering conversation. However it didn't phase Mike.
"Well shit guys!" Mike gleamed, "How are you today?"
"All right," the middle one said, who was the youngest. He had a short, rounded nose and reminded Mike of a newly born bear. There were no more words coming from any of their mouths so once again Mike took the initiative.
"So what's your name, man?" Mike asked the youngest. The youth clasped casually onto the black lapels of his tattered and worn jacket. He snarled before answering, but Mike could instantly tell it was a snarl he couldn't control and was perhaps inherited from a distant snarling ancestor.
"Howyou Being," the boy replied.
"Oh I'm pretty good," Mike said. The boy looked away and Mike continued to wait for a response. Is that all he's going to say? Ask me how I've been then look away?
"So what's your name anyway?" Mike asked again, trying to sound as friendly as he possibly could.
"Howyou Being," the boy replied again.
"I'm doing just fine thank you, but do you have a name?"
"Howyou Being!" the boy yelled. Is this new king deaf?
"I'VE BEEN JUST FINE YOU LITTLE..."
"Mike!" String interrupted, preventing the king from saying anything he might regret, "His name is Howyou, okay? His first name is Howyou and his last name is Being, got it?" He held Mike firmly by his shoulders and shook him.
If he slaps me I'm going to kill him, thought Mike.
"Ni...nice to meet you Howyou. How have you been?" the sound of his question made him laugh. "Hey, ha-ha, that was great! Did you hear that one? How have you been Howyou Being! Isn't that just funnier than shit?"
Nobody else even smiled. To relieve the tension, Mike immediately talked to the next boy, who was the tallest of the three.
"Okay, so tell me young man - what's your name?"
"Whereyou Being," he replied with a very high voice that sounded as though it should have come from a canary instead of a big kid.
"I've been right here," Mike said, "Where have you been? Oh wait, I see what's going on here. Your name is Whereyou and your last name is Being, right?"
"No it's just Being, not Being-right."
Mike, confused by the reply, ignored it and looked to the last of the three. However, String beat him to the name-asking of this one.
"And what is your name?" the brewmaster asked.
"Haveyou Being," the kid said.
"Have I been what?" String asked.
"No String, that's my name!" the boy smiled and String was surprised. He can't remember ever meeting this young tike and was going to ask how he knew his name, but then it came to him. The three boys were the sons of Butter Being, an old woman that String and his wife Baked used to visit regularly a long time ago. It had been years since String had seen them. The last time he saw them, the oldest (Whereyou) had just learned to walk and Howyou had just been born. String inquired as to how Butter was doing and if she was at the reunion. Howyou explained that she was ill, at home with a black bag at her side to monitor her fragile health. It became obvious to String that the three had no supervision, Butter being too old to discipline or scold them. String wondered horribly if the woman was even still alive. Deep in the back of his mind he pictured Butter dead and these three hoodlums keeping it a secret from everyone for some murderous reason.
"No!" String suddenly screamed. The yell snapped his daydreaming head back to reality. Mike, who was telling the three youths a story about flying trees, jumped in surprise.
"You okay String buddy?"
"Oh, yes...excuse me please, I was just thinking of something terrible...my mind wandered. I'm sorry."
"No problem," Mike said, beer suds dripping from his unruly beard, "Now what was I talking about? Oh never mind. Tell you what guys, I got some jokes. Anybody want to hear some great jokes?" The four of them did so Mike obliged.
It seemed to be that way all day. Every person Mike met seemed to like him, his hidden charm and carefree attitude dominating his presence. That was good, for Mike liked all the people he met, and he met a lot of Beings. There were fat ones, skinny ones and ones with an undetermined shape or size. As he walked along, Mike tried counting just how many people he had met. When he reached six million three hundred and twenty-seven, he realized he had miscounted, so he gave up the idea. Nevertheless, he continued to search for ways to keep his postulan-saturated mind busy. He tried to determine the average shape of a Traesian Being. After about twenty-five introductions he concluded that most Beings were the average, normal-looking creatures you would come to expect from any other group of men and women, not too tall, not too short, just perfectly average. That theory was completely blown to shreds when String introduced Mike to a huge, blundering, farting building of a man by the name of Chili Being. The introductions continued and Mike began to wonder if he was being re-introduced to people he had already met. By the time he had drunk six beers, he stopped caring and continued to say "Hi nice to meet you" to whoever String introduced him to. Mike burst into a shrieking fit of laughter when he was introduced to three hobos by the names of Shoulda, Woulda and Coulda Being. His guffaw causing people to turn and stare, he looked down at his feet, waiting for the glares to disperse. Within a few seconds however, Mike's mind became so interested in the ground at his feet that he forgot what he was doing and who he was talking to. It seemed like hours later (but was only minutes) when String eventually yanked Mike from his deep thoughts and back to reality.
"Hey wake up!" String said, shaking Mike's shoulders, "You were spacing out again. Are you all right?"
"Hell yes I'm fine." Mike turned away and surveyed the crowd, wondering if he was going to spend the rest of the day being shaken by people asking him if he was all right.
"Hey let's play football!" somebody yelled. People searched for the source of the exclamation and all saw it was Chili. He held a football in his hand, the leather ball dwarfed by the immense paw wrapped around it. Chili seemed pretty excited but nobody shared the feeling. There were murmurs of rejection throughout the crowd and Chili's smile faded. Nobody ever wants to play football, he thought.
Mike thought about what Chili had suggested. If the King wasn't so full of postulan, he wouldn't have given it a second thought. However, his mind forced him to analyze every thought to its fullest and this was one that surprisingly appealed to him.
If we play football and I choose Chili as my first pick (since I'll obviously be a captain) then there's no way I can lose! I'll just put him in the front line and stand behind him then tell him to block for me! Should I try to get everyone interested? Will anyone want to play?
He thought it over for a while longer and decided that no, he didn't really want to play and he shouldn't ask anyone else to either. At the last thought of neglect however, his voice decided to speak for itself.
"Yes let's play football!" he screamed, quickly turning to face the crowd and thrusting a pointed finger into the air. Unfortunately, a young Traesian girl was walking by with a plate of potato salad and Mike inadvertently smacked the thing into the air when he raised his hand. The yellow and white grayness of salad flew through the air and sought the face of Kidney Being. She never saw it coming and cried out in shock when it slopped onto her face. Mike was thankful it wasn't Lima that got the salad. He continued speaking: "It'll be a great family experience to join in a simple game of teamwork and effort, signifying the old Being tradition of brotherhood, family spirit and the quality of perfection achieved through togetherness and sportsmanship!" His voice had escalated to a crescendo by the time the last words left his mouth. It was such an awe-inspiring, moving proclamation that he even convinced himself of its importance. The crowd oohed and ahhed an array of choruses. Hearing the idea of playing football from someone as uninteresting as Chili seemed like such a drab idea. Hearing it from their own King in such an emotional manner was quite different. Their own instinctive nature compelled them to follow the king's initiative and play the game.
"Football! Football!" the Traesians roared, "Football! Football!" The word was repeated over and over until the crowd was practically screaming it. The ground began rumbling and Mike was sure it was going to crack apart and swallow him up. Oh my God what have I done?
Mike looked around and noticed that the entire crowd was staring at him, awaiting his next command.
"Okay," he said, "I guess I'll be a captain because someone's gotta be. Let me see now, we got about a million people here. Who all wants to play and who doesn't?"
A confusing mixture of "I dos" and "I don'ts" were thrown into his face, as if he was supposed to remember just who said what. Eyes stared and mouths spoke. It was quite a sight to his already full mind. His head feeling like a watermelon about to split, he waved his arms and screamed for everyone to shut-up. When the silence finally came, Mike spoke again.
"All those who do, over here. All those who don't, over there."
Those who didn't want to play began to immediately fill the left half of the area. Not everybody wanted to play and that was good for there were a lot of people at the Being reunion. Of course, Chili Being stood off to the right in the area of those who did want to participate. Standing next to Chili were Human, Shoulda, Woulda and Coulda. Within a matter of minutes, it was clear how many wanted to play and how many didn't. Approximately twenty people wanted to and they consisted primarily of the Beings Mike had met. The roar the crowd had made when Mike mentioned football led him to believe there would have been more participants. Then a fat blue lady explained that although many of them did not want to play, they surely did want to watch and were just as excited about that.
Whatever flops your mop, Mike thought as he smiled. The smile soon faded when his stomach began to rumble and its contents sent a small yet burning inaudible burp up his throat and out his mouth. It almost made him throw up and this forced him to realize that if he wanted to play football without making a fool of himself, then he needed to slow down on the beer. Postulan seeds and beer never did mix well and he could definitely tell now. He was swaying a little, but this never stopped him from doing anything. As he looked around, he could tell that String, Human and a few others were also on their way to a drunken stupor. This could be good or bad, thought Mike, depending on who's team they're on.
"Now then," he said, hiccuping and hoping to God he would not throw up in front of everyone, "Who else wants to be a captain?"
To his surprise, nobody spoke up. He was sure there would be a lot of takers but he was wrong.
"Okay, all right," said Human finally, "I will."
Mike was a little surprised, because he wanted Human on his team. That was now out of the question. Human approached Mike and smiled an evil, disgusting smile.
"Eat shit enemy," he said. The two of them laughed and laughed. Mike, his laughter need fulfilled, stopped but Human continued to laugh. It looked strange to Mike. Human didn't look amused but he forced his mouth to stay open as he forced giggles and guffaws from it. Suddenly the entire congregation of Traesians began to laugh extremely loud and obnoxiously. The laughter stopped, but immediately the Traesians started mooing like sick cows. After that they clucked like retarded chickens and it was so weird that Mike just had to laugh. It was another weird Traesian thing and Mike was usually prepared for them, but this time it was just too much. Finally the strange chorus of bizarre noises died down and Mike was left with a silence that surprised him. He looked around, expecting more, but nothing else weird happened, at least not at that time. The crowd stared at him. Those who chose not to play, gathered on either side of the open area of forest, moving things out of the way for adequate playing space.
"Are we playing right here?" Mike asked, "Right now?" It was apparent that everybody wanted to stop the festivities and start the game right here and now. Mike was thinking perhaps to play on the front lawn of the castle, but this spot seemed as good as any. People moved picnic tables, the food, chairs and even the keg farther into the forest to make room for the game. Within a matter of minutes, an area of forty yards wide and seventy yards long had surfaced from underneath the once busy forest floor. With all the people crowded around earlier, the place didn't seem nearly as big, but now it was vast.
Perfect! thought Mike as he surveyed the forest turf. The spectators gathered on the left and right sides of the field, a crowd ready to cheer on their favorite side. He knew that the servants Sit, Back and Relax had something to do with this, and he was right. The three suddenly poked their identical heads up between Human and Coulda, smiling at their king as if they were reading his mind.
"Hi!" they said simultaneously.
"Hey guys, how ya doing?" Mike said. He looked the players over and noticed for the first time that Shoulda's shirt had the words CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS stenciled on its front in big black letters.
"Okay let's get going. Human and I are captains so we need to choose sides. How do we decide who gets to choose first?"
"We'll have to flip for it," said Human and Mike agreed. Human spotted a stump about three feet high just off the right side of the playing field.
"That looks good," he said then walked towards it. The crowd grew completely silent and all eyes were on Human Being as he jumped on top of the stump. Human stretched his arms out in front of him, poised and ready to go. Suddenly he leapt as high as he could into the air. He managed to do one perfect somersault before landing perfectly on his feet. Once there he raised his arms straight up and smiled a huge smile that clashed with his blue face. The crowd went wild for it was a pretty good flip.
Soon the cheering stopped as it had for Human. Everyone stared at Mike and he wasted no time - he knew what he had to do. Without a word, he walked to the stump and jumped up on its smooth, worn top. He contemplated the flip for just a second, then he leapt into the air. Unfortunately, his shoelace caught on a sapling protruding from the left side of the stump and this ruined his flip. His leg snapped straight in mid-flight, the branch small but strong.
"Ahhh!" he yelled, surprised as his body straightened then slammed quickly to the dirt. His body had been jerked so severely that he was sure his leg was going to be popped from its socket. However, it held and Mike landed with a hard thud in front of the stump, his entire body, except for the foot held securely to the top of the stump, lay face down on the forest floor. It was the funniest thing that most of the people there had ever seen, but they managed to suppress their laughs. When Mike lifted his head to show he was okay, some Traesians did laugh, but Mike didn't care.
"Well that didn't work too well," he said to himself. He managed to pull his lace from the stump and stand up. Nobody needed to tell him he didn't win the toss. Soon everybody stared at Human and waited for his first choice.
"Chili Being," Human said, "Get your ass over here!" Mike growled with disgust. He had wanted Chili first and Human knew it. Nevertheless the king was determined to win.
"Whereyou my boy, over here!" Mike picked the next largest person he could find and Whereyou seemed to fit the need. Human showed little interest but he knew that although Whereyou was not as large as Chili, he was strong and fast.
"Woulda!" Human called to his next pick.
"Coulda!" Mike yelled to his. As they continued shouting names, the players walked to their perspective sides and stood behind their captains.
"Shoulda!" said Human.
"Mister!" Mike countered.
"String!"
"Garbanzo!"
"Haveyou!"
"Howyou!" The different sides began to form, slowly but surely. Mike's players snarled at Human's and Human's snarled back.
"Green Being!" Human shouted, choosing the farmer who was named after the color of his thumbs.
"Cocoa Being!" Mike yelled after a brief inspection of the remaining unchosen players. Cocoa was a Traesian with skin a bit darker blue than most Traesian's.
"Coffee," said Human, "I choose Coffee Being!" Coffee also had darker blue skin and Mike wondered if he was related to Cocoa. This made him laugh and was sure that all the Beings were related in one way or another.
The choosing of sides continued until there were only two guys left. No women volunteered to play, but Mike knew that if Beth were here, she certainly would have.
"Okay," said Human, eyeing over the remaining two candidates, "Which one of you should I choose?" The two left to choose from were Alien Being, a strange sort of guy that lived alone and talked to no one. Nobody was even sure if he was a Traesian, despite his blue skin and his last name. The other guy was Joe Being, also a loner. He never talked to anyone either and nobody really liked him, mainly because he had such a weird first name - it just didn't seem like Being material. Nevertheless, Human had to pick Joe. He was just a tad larger than Alien and looked more like an Traesian than Alien did.
"Joe, over here," said Human and Joe walked to his side. This left Alien to Mike's team. They eyed the odd little man over cautiously as he approached them. Returning every stare, he snorted air through his nostrils that looked like they belonged on a fish, not a Traesian.
The choosing of sides now complete, there was a tense pause, like a calm before the storm. The two sides eyed each other over carefully. The odds looked even and they all began to feel the excitement of participating in a contact sport build inside themselves. Running, catching, throwing, kicking, and scoring touchdowns with the football permeated their thought.
"Okay," Mike said, "Since you got to pick first, I getta choose which way I want to go." Human didn't argue the point so Mike eyed the field over carefully. The sun rose from the west and it blazed in his eyes as he faced that way. He turned around, facing away from it. He nodded at his shadow in front of him and said, "We'll go this way."
"Fine!" Human screamed, "Then let's get on with it!" Seeing this screaming as some weird thing to take place, Mike backed up, but Human walked by him without further incident. The two teams walked to their respective sides but it was extremely hard for Sit, Back and Relax to divide themselves and play against each other. While Mike ended up picking Sit, Human chose Back and Relax. Back wanted to play on Sit's side but Sit wanted to switch sides with him and play with Relax. Relax wanted only one of them to play at a time and it was pretty confusing for them.
"No no," Sit replied to Back's want of unity, "We must try to help the sides to which we are assigned. I know it'll be hard, but we've got to give it a try." He went on to further state that if they could do anything together then they most certainly could do this together for both teams sake. It was such an inspiring thought that all talking immediately ceased and everyone stared at Sit, Back and Relax. The three exchanged glances as if choosing to read each other's minds instead of speak. A hush flew over the crowd but only a few people spotted it.
"Hey look!" one young boy said, "It's a hush!" He pointed straight up to a very white, almost invisible bird gliding silently overhead. The hush always caused a great many Traesians to stop whatever they were doing and to stare up at it. The bird having flown, Sit, Back and Relax finally made it to their specific sides. When Back approached Mike, the king smiled at him.
"How ya doing Back old buddy?"
"Okay," Back smiled sheepishly and Mike, with the help of the analytical absurdness of postulan in his brain, realized he was staring back at Back, face-to-face. Through the haze, he suddenly realized something.
"Hey aren't you supposed to be on the other team? I chose Sit, not you." Back took a step back and his eyes widened, suggesting a surprised, innocent look, but it didn't work.
"Come on you three, let's get this straight, huh?" Another hush flew over the crowd but nobody saw it. As that happened, Sit and Relax walked to join Mike and Back.
"Look," Sit began, "You're right, I am supposed to be on your team, but the weird thing is, when I started walking towards your side I began to get dizzy and before I knew what was happening to me, I was walking towards Human's side. I...I don't know what happened, it was all kinda weird." He rubbed his forehead as if inspecting a fever.
"Well let's get on with the game, all right guys?"
"Okay," Sit replied. Once again the three went through the ordeal of splitting up and Mike couldn't help but laugh. Finally Back and Sit departed and walked towards Human's side of the field. Relax stayed and smiled nonchalantly at the new king. Mike felt something still wasn't right, however, and he soon realized what it was.
"Wait!" he yelled, "Sit, over here. Relax, get off my side and go play on Human's team, okay? Come on guys, how long is this going to go on?" Mike tried to sound mad but it was hard. When nobody moved, he suddenly realized he could have been mistaken and maybe they did get it right this time. Nevertheless, he finally convinced himself that although the three looked exactly alike, he could still tell them apart. It was one hell of a feat, one not too many people can do.
"Wow!" said Sit, a look of astonishment on his face, "How did that happen? I could've sworn I was just standing next to Mike. Then the next thing I know, I'm walking to Human's side."
There were grumbles of disapproval from the crowd for the delay of game. Finally, to everyone's relief and amazement, the three managed to do it. Sit remained on Mike's side while Back and Relax stood nervously on Human's side. This having been done, the two teams faced each other from opposite sides of a makeshift field in the middle of a forest. They were psyched, each knowing to let nothing slide in this contest between men. No pep talk was necessary.
Mike sighed, lifted his arms in the air, then yelled, "Let's do it!" He whooped a murderous cry of war and his teammates wasted no time in responding with their own shouts of mad defiance (except for Alien Being who sounded like a cow). Human, seeing this in his opponents, rallied with his own team of screaming maniacs bent on the destruction of their foe. They were all yelling and to the crowd it was quite a sight. Once their yelling died down to a mental rumble, they began to designate positions.
"Okay guys," Mike said, staring into the hyper faces of his team, "We have to choose up positions. Now I'm going to be quarterback because...well...just because I had a vision one night that the entire planet of Traes One was swallowed by a huge planet-eating ball of slime and the only way to prevent it from actually happening was for me to play quarterback on a football team. Now we wouldn't want to be eaten up would we? Of course not! Whereyou, I want you to play inside on the right, alternating as a tight end and a pass blocker. Garbanzo, you're my running back. Sit and Coulda, play the ends. You two will be the long bomb receivers..."
"What?" Sit said, "I don't want to be a receiver."
"Then what do you want to be?"
"Running back!"
"Hey we can just switch," said Garbanzo, "I want to be a receiver anyway, actually a tight end."
"But I'm the tight end!" Whereyou said, "You can be the center." Garbanzo didn't like that idea at all and he told Whereyou just that. Meanwhile, Mister Being said he wanted to play quarterback and was convinced that if Mike did, the planet would be overrun with green balls of murderous fuzz. Soon all the players started yelling and bitching at each other about what positions they should play. Mike looked to his right and saw Alien sitting on the ground just feet away, watching everyone else. Mike, finding his voice lost in the commotion, sat next to the odd Being and waited for his team to work out the positions.
On the other side of the field, Human's team went through their position decisions. Human stared at his team.
"Chili," he said, "You're obviously the guy I want standing right in front of me at all times since I'm going to be the quarterback. That okay with you, you huge mound of Traesian flesh? Great. Now Woulda, what kind of position do you like?"
The young Traesian brushed hair up from out of his eyes then said, "Oh I've always liked a sixty-nine."
"No, no...I mean football."
"Oh, I see. Hmm. Split end I guess." He spat then stared at Human with eyes void of compassion. Instead of trying to decipher what was going inside the deranged young mans head, Human discussed positions with the others.
"Back and Relax I want you two for my running backs. String and Shoulda play the line, taking turns alternating as blockers and tight ends." The assigning of the remaining positions went smooth, nobody bitching about what position they ended up with. Joe was the center because Human didn't know what else to do with him. The quiet little man didn't mind playing center and was going to assure Human of that, but then an attack of weirdness overcame him. He mooed frighteningly close to what a real cow sounds like, then dropped to his hands and knees and chewed an imaginary cud. The others ignoring this, they ironed out any bugs that remained within their game plan or concerns about positions. On the opposite side of the field, Mike's team finally came to agreeable positions (which were exactly the ones Mike had suggested in the first place) and were ready to go.
"We're ready," Human yelled at them, "So let's go. The first team to score ten touchdowns wins, all right?"
"Sure that's cool!" Mike yelled back.
"And we'll kick off because you guys are going to need all the help you can get." His team laughed at their captain's remark and it only angered Mike's team, thoughts of decapitation and dismemberment now parading through their heads.
"Coulda, you try to receive it," Mike said quietly to the hobo standing next to him. Coulda nodded in response and although he did look ragged, unshaven and grubby, he was strong and quick.
"We'll surround you as you run down the field, beating the hell out of anyone that gets in the way." This having been said, Mike raised his arm in the air, signaling to Human's team they were ready to commence with the game. The crowd on both the left and right sides of the field was seething with anticipation, men and women alike waiting for the first play of the game. Some cheered for Human and some cheered for Mike. There was one strange-looking lady standing in front that was cheering for Alien and Mike knew she had to be the guy's mother.
In the midst of the cheering, Human grasped the football with both hands and stared at it intensely as though it signified the eruption of an incredible event in the history of all Traesians. Taking a step, he poised his right leg to kick.
And kick he did.
"Holy shit!" Mike breathed, watching the football as it sailed through the air. It went way over Mike's head and he would never have guessed that Human was such a great punter. Fortunately, Coulda was ready, standing further back than anyone else. He caught the ball, almost fumbled it as his team watched in horror, then grasped it firmly and started running up the field.
"Oh God oh God," said Garbanzo and Howyou, noticing nobody was blocking for Coulda. They ran to his aid as did Mike and Mister and wasted no time in gaining ground as they looked down field and watched for Human's players. They weren't hard to find. Instantly the blocking began.
"Ah!" screamed String as Cocoa dove into his chest. This sent the two of them flying into the legs of Green and Whereyou. The blue mass of four Traesians appeared a mess at first, but actually it opened up a running lane for Coulda and his lead blockers.
"Somebody stop those guys dammit!" Coulda said as he waved his free arm out in front of him, pointing out potential threats. Human easily sidestepped a block and was coming up on the outside and headed straight for Coulda.
"Hey somebody get Human! Hey Mike! Hey guys! HEY!"
"Ha-ha!" Human screamed, managing to dance by another blocker as a kill-the-guy-with-the-ball look appeared on his face, "I'm going to get you now!" He dove with all his might but was stopped in midair just inches from Coulda's running body when Mike wrapped both his arms around the stablemaster's torso.
"Ah! Shit! Ow!" they both said before landing with a crack as their heads collided. This put them both out of the play.
Meanwhile, Coulda saw daylight as a hole broke through the tangled mesh of blocking and falling bodies. He had a sudden feeling of ecstasy, sensing the thrill of running the length of the field on the first play of the game. As soon as that hole had opened, however, it closed. A dark, ominous shape appeared out of nowhere, blocking the light from the three afternoon suns. Coulda, in confusion, looked up, his black stubby hair waving like a miniature wheat field on the top of his head. He was terrified to see that the huge object was none other than Chili Being.
"Oh no!" screamed Coulda, "It's Chili!"
The big man, although slow, was wide enough to prevent Coulda from going any further. Whereyou and Garbanzo, being the two largest guys on Mike's side, ran to Chili just as the fat man grasped Coulda around his waist with one hand and lifted him into the air. He was contemplating which direction to throw him, but Whereyou and Garbanzo, throwing caution to the wind, threw their bodies full force into Chili's midsection. Garbanzo had a quick, horrifying thought of being swallowed up by the thick folds of skin on Chili's chest and disappearing forever. That didn't happen. The blow actually staggered Chili and caused his hand to unclench and drop Coulda to the ground. As Chili, Woulda and Garbanzo tumbled away in a cloud of dust, Coulda fell to the ground and once again saw daylight ahead of him. He stumbled, tried to regain his balance, but Joe Being came from out of nowhere and threw Coulda to the ground. Play over.
"Shit I almost made it!" Coulda yelled as he lay on the ground and stared up at an open, blue sky. A hush flew overhead but he didn't notice it. What he did notice was the growing cheer of the crowd. Both sides applauded equally, showing both teams they had performed well on the first play of the game.
"Hey good work!" Human said to Joe, surprised the little guy had it in him, "That was pretty good!" He ran to Joe to shake his hand but the small man quickly turned around.
"It was nothing," he mumbled as he slowly walked away. It was obvious he wasn't one for socializing, even when it came to a brief handshake, but Human respected the guys' oneness and left him to himself. Human turned around and saw Mike staring at him.
"Ha!" he yelled at the king, "Thought your team could make it didn'tcha?" He stuck out his chest and approached his rival captain with a look of the snobbish.
"Hey fuck off you little twerp," Mike said, "Coulda made it past all your men except one, even Chili. Did you hear that? Chili! Your team ain't as tough as you thought it was!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Oh yeah!"
The crowd quieted as they realized the two captains were yelling at each other. Mike threatened to cut Human's head off with a rock and Human threatened to tie Mike's feet together while he slept then string him up in a motleb trap with raw stot meat hanging from his body. They disgraced each other's mothers, vowed to mutilate each other if it was the last thing they ever did and spat other numerous threats from heads that took on the appearance of maniacal dolls with an unlimited vocabulary of detailed violence. After a while, they settled down and there was silence as everybody stared at them. Mike raised his head to look at Human. Then he threw up.
"Oh wow!" Garbanzo said, almost laughing in surprise. Mike's vomiting had caught everyone off guard, including himself. Mike finished his wretch then lifted his head again. The swill of hard liquor, beer and postulan that stewed in his body finally protested its existence, but it didn't bother him. Everyone was looking at him and he tried returning each and every stare, the last pair of eyes he looked into being Human's. He wiped his forearm across lips wet with drool.
"It was a pretty good opening play though, wasn't it?"
"Yeah it was, man," the stablemaster replied, smiling. Their display of hostility had dwindled, indicating it was just a show, perhaps to rile their teammates. Coulda received praise from Mike and his team while Joe was hailed as a hero by those on Human's side. Soon it was time for the next play but before that got underway, the two captains agreed to name their teams. Getting no help from their players, they stuck with simplicity. Human's team was called the "Humans" and Mike's team was called the "Mikes".
It was first down for the Mikes. There really was no specific yardage required for another first down and that's pretty much how it went all day. They made up the rules as they went along but there really were no rules. Everybody played with a thought fueled by the idea of winning, and that was the excitement of it all; Winning! They all thrived on that thought, kept it in mind every play. Because of this, the game got pretty rough. Thoughts of dominating, dictating and pain-inflicting filled the minds of the Humans and the Mikes. By the end of the second play, a pass to Sit (who actually played on the right team) from Mike with an immediate tackle by three of Human's players, there were a number of forming bruises on everyone's body. Crunching and crushing opponent's faces into the forest floor was a path to winning, they all decided, and that's how the game was played. Great plays came and great plays went. The greatest of all was when Mike threw the ball to Whereyou but it was intercepted by String. The old fart ran half the length of the field before Mister jumped on him from out of nowhere and knocked the ball from String’s hands. The ball bounced at weird angles, hopping to a position different than what was calculated. Chili managed to get to it first, but Alien kicked it away, only to have it land in Human's hands. The Traesian was so surprised and proud of having the ball that instead of running, he held the ball up and paraded around, unaware Garbanzo was sneaking up behind him. Garbonzo stood on the sidelines, pretending to be a spectator. When Human finally marched by him, he nailed his cousin as hard as he could with an elbow to the face. The ball popped loose from Human's hands and went soaring through the air, causing the oncoming barrage of players to screech to a halt and change directions. Back and Relax made it to the ball first this time, both grabbing an end and running nearly all the way to the goal line - nearly. Their run was canceled when Mike (who was actually just inspecting some postulan plants he had planted at the ten-yard line) walked right into them as they ran by, none of them realizing they had done so until the ball again sailed away.
"I got it! I got it!" Coffee screamed, his smooth, sophisticated voice sounding out of place as it screamed in desperation. Unfortunately, Green Being was sure that he had it and they both ran for the football. Looking at it as it neared the ground instead of where they were running, they bonked heads, a hollow splitting sound accompanying the union of their craniums. Although they were on the same side, they managed to put each other out of the play. The ball bounded towards Coulda and Haveyou and they both frantically grasped for it before it went out of bounds.
"You touched it last!" Coulda yelled at Haveyou who was clutching his rib cage which he was sure contained cracked bones.
"No I didn't!" Haveyou replied with a scream of his own, "And besides it doesn't matter who touched it last. The ball goes to whoever had possession last." All agreed to follow this rule.