Repeats and Brawls
*****
Six figures sat at a large corner table nursing their alcoholic drinks morosely. Never mind that the sun outside was shining brightly while it was dim in the resort lounge. Never mind that it was only ten in the morning. Never mind that the bar was supposed to be closed. Never mind that there was a constant stream of people that peeked into the lounge occasionally to make sure that the six figures were all right.
It really didn't matter because they were all depressed as hell and they felt like staying depressed.
"Bartender!" barked a voice from the table. The bartender looked up. "One more bottle of scotch!"
An older looking man looked at the man across from him. "Better make it two, Angel."
Angel nodded, then he called out again." Make that two bottles."
The bartender acknowledged the order by waving his towel. Angel looked at the long faces around him and sighed. "I can't believe what happened this morning."
"I can't believe that your second bachelor party ended up this way, Dead Boy," Xander snorted as he lifted his glass. "First, we get turned into animals, the next we're chasing an artichoke. Last time I'm partying with you."
Oz looked at Xander. "Can't blame him for the trouble we're in, it was the idiotic turd's fault both times."
"What is a turd anyway?" Xander demanded as he looked at Giles.
Giles shrugged. "Feces."
“Huh? What’s wrong with my feet?” Xander asked as he tried to look down at his feet. Giles shook his head and sighed.
"It's a piece of shit," Whistler said as he took a swig of his glass. At the silence around him, he frowned. "What? I can't know what the word means?"
Giles scratched his ear as he slowly admitted, "No, we just can't believe that you would know what the word means."
Whistler scowled at the Watcher. Taking a swig from his glass, Spike snorted. "What I can't fucking believe that I got into trouble because of you guys for not keeping you five out of trouble. I'm in shock. Mum's never ripped into me like she did today."
"You and me both," Oz said as he gulped down his scotch and then made a face. "Except it wasn't Mrs. G. It was Willow. Who would have thought that *Willow* would get mad because we told Scott that the artichokes were for her."
Xander lifted his head from the table, look at Oz and then shook his head. "Yeah. Who'd have thought that? But then, I never expected that *Cordy* would be mad at me for saying that she was the one that recommended that Willow needed the artichokes for a beauty treatment."
"I thought she was mad at you about Faith's skinny dipping comment," Whistler said as he peered at Xander through hazed eyes.
Xander thought about that, then nodded. "That, too."
After taking a gulp of his drink, Whistler shook his head. "Women! Can't believe that the Slayer would be pissed 'cause we nearly lost her idiot of a dad."
Spike snorted as he gulped his scotch. "Yeah. She shouldn't have been mad. I mean we got him back, didn't we? And Mum shouldn't have been mad either. He was in one piece after all. It’s not like we made him into a salad. Right, Watcher?"
Giles looked up from his glass to look at Spike. "What? Oh. Right. Whatever you said."
"It's not so bad, Giles. I mean, you'll forget this whole night as soon as they leave, I think," Oz said as he patted Giles's shoulder. "I know that I will. Be damned if I don't."
Giles shook his head. "I don't think so. It's one thing to forget that someone interrupted you while having sex-"
"Like *I* knew that bellow of yours was from getting a happy from Mrs.G," Xander interrupted with a grimace as he finished the last of his scotch. "And I said I was trying to repress."
Giles ignored Xander as he continued, "But it's quite another to have your family and in-laws ask you about the tattoo you have on your arse. *Worse* when it's your father demanding you about the damn thing."
"Least they didn't ask you to display the tattoo," Xander quipped. At Giles's silence, Xander stared at the older man. "Oh, man. They didn't, did they? Who?"
After a few moments, Giles cleared his throat. "My father, Nana Bethie, Uncle Aaron and Dante demanded to see it. I naturally refused to show them."
Oz shook his head as he finished the last of his drink. "I would have been surprised if you didn’t."
Angel shook his head as he patted Giles's shoulder. "At least you don't have to put up with the talk that you're a fucking perverted two-timing lady killer that gives out blow jobs out of windows. I *still* can't believe Faith said that."
Whistler looked at the gloomy vampire. "Angel, you're showing your lameness and lack of being 'in', I think the word is 'gigolo' or is it scrub?"
Angel stared at the smaller demon. "You-of all people and demons, are giving me tips on being 'in'? Fuck you."
"According to all the Carruthers and Faith,” Xander smirked. "Ow!"
Xander looked at Oz and scowled, but the young werewolf ignored it as he played with his empty glass. "If you're going to be annoying leave. If you're not, stay."
"What I can't believe that these Carruthers think that Whistle-boy here was your lover,"Spike snorted as he downed the last of his scotch."Ye gods, how stupid are these Carruthers?"
Whistler glared at Spike."Fuck you, Spike. I happen to know that I'd make a pretty good lover. And furthermore-"
Angel reached over to smack Whistler's head as Giles reached over to slap Spike upside his head."Stop it both of you. If you two can’t play nice, you can drink yourselves away from here. Angel? Where's the scotch?"
Just then the bartender dropped off the two bottles."Here you go sirs. Two more bottles. If I may inquire-"
"Shut the fuck up and get the bloody hell away from us you jackass before I go and suck you into a dry husk!"Spike roared loudly. The bartender scampered away as Spike reached over for a bottle. He looked at the annoyed faces."What? Anyone want more?"
Angel shook his head at Spike."Just give me the damn bottle and screw the glasses."
Giles looked at the bottle as he sighed."Did I also mention that I really dislike Dante even if he is my brother-in-law? He's as bad as Hank-"
Xander shook his head vigorously."Nope. Gotta disagree with you there, G-man. Least Smith's never turned us into animals before."
"And he's never gotten us into as much trouble as the turd,"Angel said as he took a swig from the bottle."Anybody?"
Four hands raised to reach for it. Grabbing Giles's bottle, Spike commented,"The only bad thing about the wanker is that he's willing to kill us to keep Mum happy and safe. Too bad we're on her shit list right now."
Giles grabbed the bottle back from Spike."That's why I dislike the man. He won't even let me near my wife."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Joyce sighed as she crossed her arms and took a defensive stance against the man opposite of her."Dante Jefferson Smith that wasn't nice of you to ask Rupert that or to threaten him like that. And it certainly wasn't any of your business."
"Jack, I don't care if it was nice or not,"Dante said as he glowered at the shorter woman."And, I think that it certainly is part of my business. In fact, I should have turned him into a scone when I first met him!"
"Why?"Joyce asked belligerently as she shoved her face at him.
Dante stared at her, then roared,"Because I'd never have let him marry you if I knew that he had a tattoo on his ass!"
"Why? You're not my father, Dante! You were just my overgrown and overprotective babysitter! And LET me remind you that he is now your brother-in-law!"
"And THAT'S why it's my business! AND it doesn't matter if he's my brother-in-law now! He wasn't when he married you! Jack, be reasonable! If I knew then that he had a tattoo on his ass, I would have thought better than to let him near you! Who knows what kind man he was if he let someone tattoo his ass?!?"
"He is the same man that loves his wife to utter distraction BEFORE you found out that you he had a tattoo on his ass!"
"Jack-"
Frustrated, Joyce poked with a finger at his chest. "Don't you 'Jack' me, Dante! LET me remind you that when you were seventeen, YOU liked smoking cigarettes, wearing black leather, jeans and bandannas, riding motorcycles AND liked reading Emerson and Aristotle while slugging beer in the schoolyard! So don't you dare tell me that Rupert is a nasty product of his youth! YOU STILL wear black leather, and still like to read Emerson along with old sorcery texts! The *only* difference between you and him is that you have a scar on the side of your face and *he* wears tweed and drinks ale!"
After a few moments of silence, Dante finally nodded his head stiffly."Fine. I won't say that. But I still think that a tattoo on his ass should have related a comment from you at least."
Joyce smiled brightly at him."You want a comment? Fine. When I kiss it, Rupert-"
"JACK!"
"What?!? You said that you wanted a comment!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Cordelia looked at her nails then pinned Willow with a curious look."So who's this Dante character?"
Willow winced as she looked up from her magazine."Oh, he's Buffy's mom's oldest friend. Used to take care of her when she first moved to America. Was her babysitter. He’s also Buffy’s godfather. Oh, and don't call him Dante, only Mrs.G can call him that. Call him D.J. or Smith."
"So what's his deal?"
Amy and Faith sat by the two girls. Cordelia ignored them as Willow smiled a welcome before she answered the other girl's question."He's a sorcerer, and he's really cool. Except when it comes to Buffy's mom or Giles's sister Eugenia or Buffy. He’s sorta nuts with anything that concerns them. He's kinda like the way that Xander goes when you've been hurt."
As Cordelia let her smile with satisfaction at that thought, Amy asked."I never got why he calls her 'Jack', though."
Willow just shrugged at that."Beats me why he calls her that. He just does as far as I know."
"Such a contemptible nickname for Joyceln,"Nana Bethie sniffed as she approached the girls with Giles's sister, Eugenia.
Amy looked at Buffy's great-grandmother curiously."So where did he get it from?"
Eugenia smiled at the young witch."Well, from what he said, he got it from her initials when he first met her. Joyceln Aramintha Carruthers. J-A-C. In retaliation, Joyceln called him Dante instead of his initials, D.J. Do you girls have any idea where Rupert is?"
Willow sniffed as she pointed to the resort lounge."He's in there getting drunk with Angel and the boys. We're all kinda not on speaking terms with them."
"Oh dear. I certainly hope that Dante and Father will not see them drunk,"Eugenia said in dismay as she looked towards there.
Nana Bethie snorted delicately."Forget them, my dear. Just hope that Joyceln's mother's brothers and their family doesn't arrive while he is drunk. They might think he's better than the idiot, but not by much."
Faith looked at Nana Bethie."Is there going to be another fiasco? 'Cause I'm still pooped from the last one."
"I certainly hope not,"Nana Bethie sniffed."But then again, you never know with that idiot."
"Turd, my lady. He's a turd,"Eugenia Giles said with a twinkle in her hazel eyes."He's not an idiot, he's a turd."
Faith frowned at the older woman."So what's a turd?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hank Summers looked at his daughter with some amount of trepidation."Are you sure that you want to do this now?"
Buffy batted her large hazel eyes at him and gave him a small pout."Please, Daddy? I *really* need one for tonight."
With a heavy sigh, Hank Summer got his wallet and made sure that it was filled with his credit cards and several bills."Fine, let's go and get you a new dress. Is your mother coming along?"
"Nope, Mom said that she was going to talk with Uncle Dante and Granddad James. The girls are coming,"Buffy said as she skipped happily to the door. She ignored her father's sigh of relief. "And Grandpa Giles, Aunt Eugenia and Uncle Lawrence said they were coming along with us in the limo. Nana said that she and the aunts and cousins would meet us in the mall.”
"Wonderful, I still surrounded by Giles even when it's not the prig. Least it's not Smith,"Hank Summers muttered as he locked his suite door. He started walking down the corridor with Buffy. “Anything else I should know, honey?”
Buffy smiled brilliantly at him. “Mom said that Grandda and Grandma MacGilarvy is coming today with Uncles William, Charles and James. Aunt Fiona, Adriana and Megan will be in tonight, but the cousins couldn’t come."
"Even better. Let everyone come one, come all. See Hank Summers being beaten to a bloody pulp by a mob,”muttered Hank Summers as he barely managed to control the flinch at the mention of his ex-wife’s maternal grandparents and family. He looked at his daughter’s quizzing face. ”Honey, uh, do you know what happened last night? And how I managed to get into the pool naked this morning?"
Buffy turned to look at her father warily."Not really, Daddy. I was asleep for most of the night. I mean it was a real shock for me in seeing that you were naked and Angel and the guys trying to you stop you from drowning when you were sleepwalking. Why?"
Hank shook his head and smiled sheepishly."I dunno. I have the vaguest dream that Angel and his friends were drinking and playing poker in my room last night, then I was flying through the air and sitting in a tree."
Buffy shrugged."That must have been some dream Dad. All I know was that after the escaped convict guy decked you, I put you to bed with Angel’s and Giles’s help. And that was that."
His smile faltered slightly as he heard the names of Buffy’s fiancé and his ex-wife’s husband, but Hank then shrugged and looked at his daughter."Must have been that. A dream. By the way, do you have any idea why there's a case of artichokes on my balcony?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Grandfather James peeked into the lounge and looked at the six figures sitting in the far corner passing two bottles around, then shook his head."And they've been like that since eight, eh?"
Lawrence Giles nodded."Yes. I hope that Father doesn't see Rupert like this. He's still trying to get over the tattoo incident."
"Your father's a prissy old woman,"Grandfather James snorted as he leaned into his cane."In fact, I think that *he* needs a tattoo on his arse."
"And if I happen to find one there, I'll know who put it there, Grandfather James,"Thomas Giles scowled as he approached his father-in-law."Do either you know where Rupert is? I-"
"Isn't that Elizabeth right there?"Lawrence Giles interrupted as he pointed to the familiar small figure approaching with an older man at her side."Elizabeth!"
Buffy saw them, then raced over to hug each of them."Great! You ready to do some heavy shopping, Uncle Lawrence? Grandpa?"
Thomas Giles gave a mocking shudder."Just make it quick and painless, my dear. I remember the last time I took you, your mother, Eugenia and your friends to do some shopping. The lot of you nearly destroyed Harrods!"
"We weren't that bad,"Buffy protested laughingly. She looked at Giles's grandfather."Were we Granddad James?"
Grandfather James grinned at her."I think twenty grenades could have done less damage."
"Oh, before I forget, Anya sends her congratulations, and she's very sorry that she couldn't be here, and so is Wesley,"Lawrence said with a twinkle in his eye."But their schedule wouldn't permit her to come. They send their gift with us."
"So who's this Anya, honey? Another friend of yours? Why couldn’t she come?"Hank asked as he looked at the older men surrounding his daughter."And who are these men?"
Buffy looked up at her father."Oh, Anya used to go to school with me, then she moved away. Wesley Wyndham-Price used to be Giles’s business partner. And this is, Giles's family from merry old England, Uncle Lawrence, Grandpa Giles and Granddad James. This is my dad, Hank Summers."
As everyone cordially greeted each other, Nana Bethie, Aunt Eugenia, Faith, Amy, Cordelia and Willow came to join the small group. Buffy beamed at them."Are we ready to shop? I think we should hit-"
Just then, Hank pointed at a figure that just stepped out of the elevator."Look, honey! It's Owen! Hey, Thurman!"
As Hank dragged his reluctant daughter towards Owen Thurman, Faith looked at Willow and Cordelia."Betcha that the turd's gonna invite Owen to go shopping with us."
Cordelia shook her head."He's not that stupid. Even if he is, Owen's not that suicidal."
Nana Bethie shook her head."You overestimate the idiot's lack of sense. And Thurman's lack of self-preservation."
"Who is this Thurman fellow?"Aunt Eugenia asked as the trio came closer to the group.
Willow shook her head."You really don't want to know."
"But, we'll tell you anyway,"Faith said with relish as she clasped her hands in anticipation. Amy hit her roommate on the shoulder, hard.
"Behave, they're coming,"Amy admonished."Hey, Owen! What's up?"
Owen shook his head."Hey Amy. Looks like I was invited to go shopping with you."
"Isn't it great, girls? Buffy, let's get going,"Hank ordered jovially as he maneuvered his daughter closer to Thurman and started to lead them away from the small group.”Buffy, did I tell you that Thurman managed to use an innovative computer program to secure-”
As the three walked away, Nana Bethie simply shook her head as Grandfather James sighed. "You were right, Beth. This Hank IS an idiot at best. I’m beginning to understand why Dante thinks of him as scum under one’s thumbnail."
Her eyes wide, Willow looked at Granddad James."Worse than that. He's absolutely nuts. I hope that Angel doesn't see them."
“Hopes that Angel doesn’t see who?”a voice asked. Everyone turned to see Dante walking with Joyce towards them. Dante left Joyce as Eugenia walked up to her husband. He bent down to give her a smacking kiss.”Hey, gorgeous. So who don’t you want Angel to see?”
“Buffy and Owen,”Amy said before Faith could say anything.”Buffy’s dad is trying to match up Buffy and Owen together.”
The Gileses and Dante stared at the young witch. Dante cleared his throat.”You mean to tell me the turd is *actually* trying to match make Buffy when her wedding’s tomorrow night?!? Summers really IS getting stupider with age! Where the heck is Angel? He should know what the turd is doing-”
“Dante Smith, you stop trying to stir trouble,”Eugenia warned as she placed her hands on his chest to stop him from searching for Angel.
“But-”
Eugenia lifted her finger and placed it on his lips.”No. Angel will handle it when he finds out. You will not be the talebearer even if you are Elizabeth’s godfather. Is that understood?”
“No,”Dante growled at her.”You’re trying to spoil my fun...”
Eugenia gave him a stern glance.”If you search for Angel, you are *not* going to see the new sleepwear that Joyceln gave me.”
“What new sleepwear?”Dante asked her suspiciously as he looked from his wife to Joyce back to his wife.
Eugenia smiled at him innocently.”The one that she just gave me. It matches the sea green ensemble that you liked so much the other night. Be good else it stays in the box.”
Dante thought for a long second before he scowled at her.”Fine. But I still want to know where Angel is so that I won’t miss the whatever he’d do to Owen. Where is he and what would Angel do, anyway?”
Faith was about to say something when Cordeila pinched the other Slayer’s butt. As Faith jumped and glared at the former May queen, Willow shrugged and answered quickly.”Who knows? We just know there might be bloodshed or dust flying if he finds Buffy with Owen.”
“Oh, yeah, I can’t wait,”Faith said with relish. At the silence around her, Faith frowned.”What? Hello, people remember the betting pool? Angel decking either Owen or Scott or both?”
Cordelia looked at her.”Was that before or after he was drunk? And didn’t he already deck him when he threw them out of the house when they were all naked?”
Willow shook her head.”I don’t think so. I asked Giles and he said that he stopped Angel from decking them. Just threw them around the house.”
Thomas Giles stared at Cordelia.”ANGEL threw this Owen and Scott out of the house while NAKED? Why?”
“Whose house?”Grandfather James demanded at the same time.
“Giles’s house. And they were naked because they were all changed back from animals,” Cordelia said with a frown.”Oh, right. You weren’t here when they were all on the porch in their birthday suits.”
Faith grinned as she looped her arm around Thomas Giles’s arm.”Boy! Have *we* got stories to tell you guys! But we gotta tell you what happened *before* that!”
Amy, Willow and Cordelia looked at each other with dismay as Faith lead Giles’s father out the resort doors.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Inside the limo, Thomas Giles looked at Elizabeth's friends in confusion."Allow me to try and reiterate what you're saying, Faith. You're not patrolling as much these days because of Elizabeth's father."
Faith nodded enthusiastically."Oh, yeah. It's really cool, I get more time to hang and do some stuff. I'd say that he should visit more often so I can get a break, except he's such a stick in the ass piece of crap that I'd probably be willing to stake him if only he wasn't a human and that he was Buff's dad. But then, from what's been going on, I know that the G-man or Angel wouldn't care if I did stake him."
"Aside from that,"Thomas Giles said faintly."I'm still not understanding how the man is responsible for much of the decline in the vampire population."
Amy and Willow each slapped a hand on Faith's mouth before she could answer. Willow smiled weakly."Well, it has to do with the fact that he demanded a promise from Angel and that he was staying with Giles and Mrs.G for the wedding."
Lawrence Giles looked at Willow curiously."What does this have to do with the vampires all going into hiding?"
"It's the lack of the horizontal rumba that made the vamps play get lost. Jeez, Will, you've got a grip,"Faith said as she shoved Willow and Amy's hands away from her mouth.
Lawrence shook his head."The horizontal what?"
"The horizontal rhumba,"Faith repeated. At his blank look, Faith tried again."Boffage? Boinking?"
Thomas Giles and his son shook their heads at each phrase. Cordelia sighed as she looked at her nails,"Think that you'd better use another phrase."
Faith sighed,"Goes to show that I can't do the polite word thing when outside the shop. In other words, the vamps went into hiding 'cause Angel and the G-man weren't getting fuc-mph!"
Faith glared at a red faced Willow as she hissed,"NOT that phrase, Faith. The OTHER phrase."
When the Gileses look at the two girls, still confused, Cordelia looked at Willow then at the two men, and sighed."The turd made Angel promise that he wouldn't have sex with Buffy until after the wedding, and since the turd was staying with Giles and Mrs.G, she refused to have it with Giles."
Thomas and Lawrence Giles stared at Cordelia, who was slightly pink by the end of the explanation. Then at all the other girls in the limo. They were all pink as well, with the exception of Faith who was waiting for their reactions.
Thomas cleared his throat first."You mean to say that because Elizabeth's father demanded that Angel not have, ah, physical relations with Elizabeth, the vampires went into hiding."
Faith nodded. "That's right."
Then Lawrence cleared his throat."And you're also saying that because Rupert and Joyceln were not intimate, the vampires went into hiding. All because of Hank Summers."
"You got it,"Faith said proudly."Not bad for a Watcher. Guess all that book learning didn't destroy all your brain cells. You're as bright the G-man."
"Thank you, I think,"Lawrence said as he smiled faintly."But I'm still quite not sure how Rupert would cause the vampires to go into hiding because of his lack of relations with Joyceln. Or Angel's, ah, lack of relations with Elizabeth."
Faith smiled brightly at him."Easy, no boinkage, no vamps."
Thomas sighed, then said aloud."Can someone *please* explain what she said in English? Or do I really want to know what she was saying?"
Faith smiled brightly at him."I told you, what I said was that it was the turd that made it all happen. No boinkage, no vamps. Easy."
Thomas sighed, then said aloud."All right, I can understand that as a reason for Angel wanting to, ah, take care of his condition, but what does that have to do with Rupert and Joyceln?"
"I'm not saying a word,"Cordelia said after a moment of silence filled the limo.
Gleefully, Faith clasped her hands together."Then I'll tell them...It started like this, we found out that Hank the Turd called Angel to make him give his promise that he wouldn’t screw around with B-"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Joyce put away his things, Grandfather James looked at his granddaughter by marriage fondly."You're looking well, Joyceln. Considering what happened early this morning."
With a small laugh, Joyce turned to beam at him."I'm feeling wonderful, Grandfather James. I haven't felt this wonderful since-well, since I the last time I was this way."
Entering the room, Dante scowled at her."You mean Tweed hasn't been treating you well?"
"He's treating me wonderfully, Dante. He always does,"Joyce said exasperated. Then she frowned."With the possible exception of what happened last night. But then that wasn't entirely Rupert's fault. It was-"
"I know, I know. It's the turd's fault entirely, Jack. It's always his fault,"Dante repeated as he shook his head."All I can say is that Angel must *really* love Buffy 'cause I know that if I was the one that threw him out the window, I wouldn't have gone to find the turd."
"If he wasn't Buffy's father and the fact that she really wants him in the wedding, neither would I,"Joyce admitted with a giggle."Fortunately, for their sake,Rupert and the boys found him. Too bad it had to be in front of Buffy and my cousins."
Remembering the hilarious scene and the degrees of mortification on the faces of his grandson, Angel and their mutual friends, Grandfather James gave a hearty laugh."But it was priceless. So tell me, Joyceln, have you forgiven my grandson for his part in the fiasco regarding Buffy's father?"
"I can't stay mad at Rupert for long, you know that, Granddad," Joyce said with an airy wave of her hand."I just want him to think that. He deserves it."
Grandfather James looked at her curiously."And why does he deserve this?"
"Because he could have told me that the Hank on the bed wasn't really Hank, and if Rupert told me that then we wouldn't have been caught in the shower by Xander. But then, if he told me that it was Hank, then it wouldn't have mattered because we still wouldn't have been caught by Xander,anyway,"Joyce said with annoyance as she thought about it. "That's why I want him to think that I'm mad at him because he deserves it, even if it really is Hank's fault that made Rupert get caught which was his fault, you know."
"May I quote Elizabeth and say 'Huh?', Joyceln?"Grandfather James asked after trying to process that line of reason.
"How can it be Tweed's fault?"Dante demanded, confused."I thought it was all Hank's fault that everything that happened last night was his fault."
"It is, but it's Rupert's fault that he didn't say that it was Hank that started everything,"Joyce said blithely. Dante stared at her, even more confused.
As Dante was about to say something, Grandfather James shook his head at his grandson by marriage."Trust me, D.J. you will not understand it even if she explains it to you a thousand times. One of the quirks of marriage."
Dante sighed with resignation."Fine. I'm not even going to ask you to explain that one, Jack. Your logic has me going around in circles. So, by an off chance that you're really pissed at him, do want to tell me anything about this tattoo of Tweed's?"
Joyce looked at him and smiled beatifically."I told you, Dante. When I kiss it-"
"Jack!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spike stared at the bottle in his hand, then turned it upside down."It looks empty. Nothing's coming out."
"Mine looks empty, too,"Oz said as he upturned his bottle.
Angel lifted his hand and shouted."Hey! Bartender! Give us two more bottles!"
"AND hurry,"Giles shouted. He sighed loudly as he leaned back into the cushions."I want to go to bed with my wife."
"So do I,"Angel said as he groaned. Giles lifted his head to stare at Angel.
"You want to go to bed with *my* wife?"
Angel lifted up his head."No, I want to go to bed with MY wife. My Buffy. Not your wife."
"She ain't your wife,"Whistler snorted, then added at Angel's growl."Yet."
Xander shook his head."Oh, good. I was beginning to wonder about that there. About Angel wanting to-"
Giles growled at the young man who coughed."Never mind."
"Hey, I wouldn't mind going to bed with Tweed's wife, bet she's a hot little number in bed now that she's preggers,"Whistler said as he yawned."Heard that preg-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OW! What the HELL was that for?"
Shaking his hand from the pain, Giles glared at the small demon. "That was for imagining my wife in bed with you. I oughtta rip your lungs out, you little panser."
"You don't dream about my future mother-in-law that way,"Angel growled at him as he rubbed the back of his hand.
"She's me Mum, and you shouldn't have that disgusting thought about her!"Spike snarled at him as he grabbed a bottle, then scowled when it turned up empty."I have enough trouble trying not to remember that Tweed is having relations with her."
"Forget that, Spike. THAT was Mrs.G you were imagining,"Xander scowled at Whistler as he massaged his hand."YOU don't imagine Mrs.G that way."
"Ditto,"Oz said as he took the bottle of scotch from the bartender."Thanks man. Now scoot."
As Oz took a swig, Whistler opened the other bottle."Fine. I won't imagine her naked then. How about if I imagine Prom Queen-"
"NO!"
"Bombshell-"
"Whistler..."
"Red-"
"*grrrr*-You-"
"Wow, didn't know that you could growl like that Wolvie! Okay, then how about-"
Angel grabbed Whistler by his throat."How about you stop before I take your foot and stick it down your throat if you imagine ANY of the girls in any way in that perverted mind of yours...Stop it, NOW."
Whistler straightened his shirt after Angel threw him back into his seat."Fine then, how about if I imagine that dish that came with Smith-"
"THAT'S MY SISTER!"Giles gritted out as he made a fist and was about to let it go towards Whistler. Angel beat Giles by grabbing the fist as Oz smacked the demon on the head, knocking him out. Giles glared at the young werewolf."Hey! I wanted to hit him!"
Oz looked mildly at the irate Watcher."Too late. 'Sides, you can be the one to tell Smith that Whistler was imagining his wife in perverted positions."
Giles thought about that for a minute, then smiled brightly."That sounds like a marvelous idea. Maybe I'll even tell him that he was imagining Joyce in perverted positions. Dante then would probably break every bone twice!"
As Giles happily reseated himself, Xander picked up the other bottle and started to swig it. "Great. Or maybe he can change Whistler into something better than a ferret. And you into something else 'cause you didn't defend Mrs.G's honor enough. More scotch, anyone?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thomas Giles, Rupert Giles's father, stared at Faith. Lawrence Giles, Rupert Giles's brother, stared at Faith. Cordelia, Amy and Willow stared at Faith. Faith smiled back at them.
"That's NOT how it happened!"Willow shouted at the other girl.
Cordelia added."You're getting the story mixed up, as if Giles and Angel would have maimed the turd in front of Buffy. I know the story and I wasn't even there! They only decked him after Nana and Spike did!"
"You mean that was the wrong story?"Thomas Giles asked faintly.
"It wasn't wrong, but it's a bit mixed up, Grandpa Giles,"Willow said earnestly."Really it is."
"So then, Hank Summers wasn't hurt because he made Rupert and Angel frustrated beyond reason,"Lawrence said carefully.
"Well, he sort of was but that's not where the mix up is,"Willow said as she wrung her hands.
Faith scowled at Cordelia as she ignored the Gileses."Are you telling me that the G-man, Angel and Wolf-boy didn't get shitfaced the night that Nana came because of the turd and didn't send him to emergency because the turd got in between the fight that Angel and Spike had?"
"Yes, they did, but that's not how it happened!"Willow protested. "Oz got drunk as a werewolf because Angel shared his whiskey with him. And Giles-"
"But wasn't Angel the one that sent Buffy's father into the hospital?"Amy asked, all confused."I thought that was what the first betting pool was all about. To see who would deck Buffy's father first."
"There was a bet on who would deck the blighter first?"Thomas asked incredulously.
"Well, yes,"Willow hesitated. Then added hastily,"But it wasn't much of a bet in the first round 'cause Spike decked Hank first, then Nana after she came. Giles was supposed to get the first shot in and have it all pay off if only the turd wasn't about to hit Mrs.G instead-"
"Hank was going to hit Joyceln?"Lawrence demanded incredulously.
Cordelia shook her head."He wasn't about to hit her until Oz heeded a call of nature on his leg after he got drunk with Giles and Angel. Or was that after Giles accused Hank of wanting to play janitor closet? And when did Nana deck him? Before or after Spike decked him?"
"Nana decked him after Spike and I think it was after the nature call and before the janitor closet thing,"Willow said with a frown as she tried to remember that night.
Thomas rubbed his temples of his head."So, Rupert decked Hank because he dotted Joyceln while he was drunk. Is that it?"
"No, no. Hank didn't deck anyone, he'd be dead if he hit Mrs.G. And Giles didn't deck anyone yet, not including the running vampires and artichokes,"Amy said as she shook her head."Even I got that part."
"Will someone tell me what happened? All I understand so far is that it's all the turd's fault," Lawrence said with a sigh.
"That's the only part everyone should remember,"Cordelia said with a snort."Okay, here's the deal on what happened. Mind you, I wasn't there, but I know what happened like I was there."
"Why does this sound like the famous last words?"Lawrence sighed to no one in partiular."Start your version, please, Cordelia."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the limo, Buffy forced a smile as she looked at her father. "Dad, I think that you're embarrassing Owen."
Hank looked at the boy he had chosen for Buffy."I don't think so, honey. Thurman, I'm not embarrassing you am I?"
"Well, sir,"Owen started as he fidgeted in his seat."I'd not really not say that I was embarrassed but I-"
"See, honey? He's not embarrassed about me talking about his accomplishments,"Hank said proudly as he beamed at the boy."Isn't he great? A lot more friendlier than Angel, if I must say."
Buffy stared at her father."Dad, Angel is-"
"Yes, I know that you think that he's wonderful, but he's not as great as Thurman here,"Hank started enthusiastically. He ignored the groans from Thurman.
Buffy retorted."Dad, I had better think that Angel's wonderful, since I'm marrying him tomorrow!"
"But what do you really know about the guy?"Hank continued, ignoring Buffy's interruption."I mean-"
"Dad, I know alot about Angel. He's wonderful, and kind and gentle and-"
Hank frowned at his daughter. Couldn't she see that Owen was a better man for her."Yes, all those are good qualities to find in a man, dear. But with Owen here-"
"I think that while we all would agree that Owen might be a fine man, Angel is the one that Buffy prefers to wed,"said the woman next to Nana Bethie."Buffy, where is the place that we are going to go shop in? And what can you tell me about it?"
Buffy gratefully picked up the change in subject."It's called the Seabright Mall. It's new and has over a hundred and fifty stores and lots of specialty boutiques. It even has a built in fountain, Aunt Eugenia. You'll love it."
Eugenia Giles Smith smiled at Buffy."Have you any idea of what type of dress that you wish to get?"
Shaking her head, Buffy sighed."Not really. I know what I like after I've seen it. You should have seen the dress that Nana bought me, it was gorgeous and so was the one that I got with Aunt Laura and Yvette. Too bad that those people had to attack the wedding dinner last night, the dress was positively ruined and Angel was-"
"See? Thurman here would *never* ruin your dresses, not like Angel did, honey,"Hank said triumphantly as he looked at his daughter. Eugenia stared at the man, she was beginning to see why her brother Rupert and husband Dante was ready to beat the stuffing out of the man on sight.
Buffy rubbed her temples, she was feeling a nasty headache coming on."Dad? I'm getting a headache 'cause of all this pro-talk about Owen, can we continue this discussion later?"
"Indeed, idiot. Be silent,"Nana Bethie sighed as she glared at Hank Summers."You chatter endlessly like a magpie. Isn't that right, Eugenia?"
Eugenia forced a smile on her lips as she darted her eyes from Nana Bethie to Buffy to Owen."Well, Lady Atherton, I don't think that 'chatter endlessly like a magpie' is actually correct in regards to-"
"You're right, he drones endlessly like an old robot on a subject that is without any real substance to his words,"Nana Bethie snorted with relish.
Hank Summer scowled at his daughter's great grandmother."Really, Nana. I think that I-"
"Chatter endlessly like a magpie, drones on and on like an old robot,"Nana Bethie repeated as she scowled at him."And you're acting like a spoilt child that wants to get an expensive toy with only ten dollars in your pocket."
Before her father could retort to the dig, Buffy looked at Owen and forced a smile on her lips."Now that's settled, who do you think is ready to go to the World Series this year?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Lawrence stared at Cordelia, then rubbed his head as he tried to muddle through what Cordelia was saying."All right. You're telling us that Buffy's father deliberately brought this Owen character, a boy that you used to date in high school-"
"Hey! You never dated Owen!"Willow scowled at Cordelia."You're getting the story wrong!"
Lawrence continued ruthlessly,"But he had a form of myopia because he wanted to date Buffy but was dumped after one date and her father didn't know this about him other than that he came from Sunnydale so he brought Owen to the house because he wanted her to see the boy that he actually approved of?"
"That's right,"Willow started.
Thomas sighed with relief."Finally! We have one story correct!"
"Except for the part where Owen wanted to date Cordelia instead of Buffy, that part was wrong. And the part where he dropped off Buffy at the hospital after the turd was in for observation after being punched by Angel. That part was wrong. Do you want to hear the right version of that?"
Lawrence covered his eyes."Lord, I'm starting to have a headache. Tell me that I at least got part of it right."
"Well, Cordelia got most of it was right even if some of it was wrong,"Willow conceded.
"Wonderful."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dante stared at Joyce as she beamed at him through her tears. Then he shook his head again."Say that again, Jack? I could have sworn that you said that you were pregnant..."
"I think that she did say this, my boy,"Grandfather James said in a hoarse whisper as he sat at the edge of his bed."You did, didn't you, my dear?"
Joyce nodded happily. Then looked at her grandfather-in-law shyly."Are you happy about this?"
Grandfather James simply opened his arms to her, and Joyce knelt down to hug him. He whispered in her ear."I am so happy for you and Rupert, my dear."
Joyce sniffed back a few tears."So am I, Granddad. We've been talking about trying ever so long, well, for the past year at least, and now, when we just decided to...it's a wonderful."
Grandfather James moved a stray curl away from her face."Yes, it is. Don't you think so, Dante?"
At his silence, Joyce looked at him with slight trepidation. The last time she had told him similar news, Dante hugged her and then headed straight to the bathroom and threw up his lunch. The next day, he was ready to buy her a new painting, a crib for Buffy and then beat Hank into a bloody pulp. But then again, looking back and considering it was Hank he wanted to beat up, it was all right. She touched his arm gently."Dante? Are you happy for me?"
Dante looked down at the woman he knew for over thirty years. He missed being with her alot of those years in her life for several reasons. Because he wanted to see the world. Because he was wild. Because he wanted to keep the people he loved safe. Because he was a mercenary sorcerer that hunted and destroyed demons for a living.
But most important of all, it was because he was always ready to beat Hank into a bloody pulp whenever he saw him. Dante was always ready to do this because he always knew that Hank wouldn't make her happy. Just like he knew that he could provoke Tweed because he knew that the Tweed-man would always try his damnedest to make her happy. Dante stared at her."I'm going to be an uncle again."
Biting her lip, Joyce nodded slowly as she watched his pale face."Yes, you are."
"You're going to have a baby,"Dante said slowly as his head felt lighter.
"Yes, I am,"Joyce said just as slowly. She took a cautious step back. Dante was a tall man, at least three inches taller than her husband. Thinking that, she took another cautious step back.
"I'm going to have to pick on Tweed alot more,"Dante said to her more strongly.
"No, you're not. Stop picking on him,"Joyce said as she smiled at him. As she took another step back. "I don't think that he's fully processed that I'm pregnant just yet."
"Fine. Bloody wonderful, I'm an uncle,"Dante said. Then he keeled over in a dead faint. Joyce barely made it away from him.
Joyce looked at the man a her feet, then at Grandfather James."I think he took it rather well. The last time I told him, he lost his lunch over my suede pumps."
Grandfather James shook his head."Amazing. The man can face a pack of demons with blinking an eye, yet when faced with the knowledge he is to be an uncle, the man faints."
Joyce shrugged."That's Dante. Least he's not going after Rupert with his fists and ready to beat him into a bloody pulp. Want to help me rouse him?"
"Why not?"Grandfather James said with a shrug.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
