in the
Lobby
Angel scowled darkly as he whispered back, “Why me?”
“Elizabeth, what be the meaning of this? Why are all your friends and these English standing around yer da here?” Grandda MacGilverny demanded as he raised a bushy red eyebrow. He gave a derisive and dismissive look at his granddaughter’s former husband.
“Will someone please get me something to wear?” Hank Summers asked icily as he tried to maintain his dignity around everyone, namely his daughter and her friends, his ex-wife and her new relations and everyone that used to be related to them. He would not run red-faced behind the nearest plant that he could find. Besides the only two plants that provided any decent coverage in the lobby were already taken up by Owen Thurman and Scott Hope, two of his daughter’s ex-beaus. “Or a towel?”
“Like a washcloth? ‘Cause I’m thinking that’s all you might need,” Faith said as she smirked at him. Hank glared at the girl as her friends tried not to snicker.
“And good day to you Laird MacGilverny,” said Thomas Giles pleasantly as the light of battle gleamed in his hazel eyes. “So nice to see you Scots before the wedding.”
“Faith! Father, behave,” Eugenia scolded as her eyes twinkled in merriment. “Else it will go worse for Rupert.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” Dante asked as he looked at his wife. He let out a sharp breath as his wife’s elbow jabbed him in the stomach. “Ow!”
Grandda Mac ignored the greeting and exchange as his bushy eyebrows lowered to glare at his precious Elizabeth’s good-for nothing da. “And why is your da giving a free show to all and sunder around here? Joyceln, what is going on here? And what is that blasted English husband doing covering your eyes?”
As Joyce turned towards her grandfather’s voice, Giles glared at his in-law. “My wife is not seeing that turd naked!”
At the same time, Hank Summers bristled at the older man’s look. “It’s not like I wanted to be like this-“
“Then why are you here like this, ye pinhead?” Grandda MacGilverny shot back. “Seems ta me if a man’s naked in the lobby it only means one o’ two things: He’s either a raving lunatic or he’s wanting to show off his-“
“Thank you Grandda! I really don’t want to hear the rest of this!” Buffy shouted as he covered her ears. “I’m scarred enough already!”
“We all are,” Xander muttered, then winced when Willow elbowed him in the ribs. As he rubbed his ribs, he glared at her. “What was that for? Well, we are scarred! I mean, how many times do we have to see him naked? The man makes trouble every time he comes here, makes our pale faced friends really pissed, Giles and Angel so worked up beyond belief that we all get drunk and see tattoos on- ”
“Xander, do shut up,” Giles ordered as he glared at the younger man, then scowled at his wife as she batted at his hand. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him so that he could get a better grip on her eyes. “My hand is not moving, darling, so do stop-”
“It’s not that, you’re hurting my nose, Rupert,” Joyce interrupted nasally. Giles turned red as he moved his hand over his wife’s eyes. “Oh, thanks.”
“Speaking of prisoners,” said Whistler as he looked at the Watcher with undisguised interest. “You know, Tweed, your covering her eyes brings to mind some kinky sex scene I once saw-OW!”
“Knock it off, Whistler, a cucumber growing reminds you of a kinky sex scene,” Amy growled as she rubbed her hand. “Now behave!”
Grandda MacGilverny shook his head as he looked at his great-granddaughter. “Ye have the oddest friends, my dear. And da that’s as insane as the day is long.”
“I am not a lunatic!” Hank shouted as his face grew red. “And furthermore, I am not wanting to show off anything!”
“Then why are ye still here naked as the day you were born?“ Grandda MacGilverny asked with maddening logic.
Hank’s jaw worked up and down; then his shoulders slumped. “I have no idea how I got like this.”
Grandda Mac snorted as he scowled fiercely at the stupid man that sired his young great-granddaughter. “Seems ta me that you don’t know a lot of things, ye pinhead. Anyone want to tell me how-“
“Well, it’s sort of a long story, Grandda. He’s been sleep walking and I’ll tell you about it in just a second,” Joyce said quickly as she smiled weakly at where she thought where her grandfather was, it was hard to tell since Rupert’s hands were still covering her eyes. She tugged on her husband’s arm. “Rupert, can you-“
“This hand is still not moving and I refuse to get the turd some clothes,” Giles said adamantly as he glared at Hank. He flicked his eyes towards the others. “Why doesn’t one of you go and get the turd some clothing?”
Spike crossed his arms and scowled, “It’s against my moral code to help turds. What?”
“You mean you actually have a moral code,” Xander asked incredulously, then he yelped and hid behind Cordelia as Spike’s upper lip lifted into a snarl. “You’re not supposed to do that!”
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “My hero. Not.”
“You tell him, Xand-man,” Faith snorted. Then she mischievously gave a hard smack on Xander’s ass. “You have a brave ass-Ow!”
“Stop that,” Amy scolded her roommate as she rubbed the sting from her hand. “Get into a hair pulling contest with Cordelia later.”
“Over Xander, I think not!” Cordelia snorted. “No man is worth a hair on my head. But if you touch him again, you’ll lose all of yours.”
Faith smirked at Cordelia dangerously. “Is that a fact?”
“Hey! Don’t make me do something I’ll regret,” Willow said as she stepped in between the two girls. “Something like making you two fly through the air-“
Whistler looked at Willow hopefully. “Hey, since they’re both wearing skirts, can you do that anyway? And can you do it with all the chicas in the-Ow! Ow!”
“You shall cease in your perverted antics,” Thomas Giles intoned as he glared at the demon. “Else I will have Smith change you into the toad that you are, is that clear?”
“Dante,” Thomas said warningly. Dante stepped forward with his arms crossed… and smiled at the demon.
“Saying a word,” Whistler said angelically as he looked at the sorcerer’s huge form.
“I’m stunned by the fact that you have morals,” Angel said as he looked at Spike.
Buffy glared at Spike balefully. “And I’m thinking that you’d easily fit into an ash tray.”
Hurriedly, Giles’s sister and brother stepped between Spike and Buffy. Holding Buffy shoulders, Eugenia said, “Buffy, you really don’t want to start a fight-“
“Yes, I do,” Buffy said with narrow eyes. “Just a little sun or wood and he’ll be as good as new pile of dust-“
“Now, Buffy,” Lawrence Giles said as he looked at Spike warily. “You do know that saying things like that will only make matters worse-“
Outraged, Spike looked at his mum. “Mum, you hear what she just said! She said-“
“Than they already are,” Lawrence groaned as he buried his face into his hand. He felt a pat on his shoulder and then looked to see Oz’s stoic face.
“Not your fault, Uncle Larry,” Oz said blandly. “This is just routine.”
“Yeah,” Willow quipped. “And this is where we all make some money on what Buffy and Spike will do next. Well, most of the time, anyway.”
“Yes, I heard, Liam,” Joyce said in a long suffering voice. She leaned against her husband’s solid body and sighed as she felt Rupert’s arm wrap around her waist. “The two of you are making me tired. The both of you will cease to snipe at each other-“
“But, Mom! He started it,” Buffy protested as she glared at Spike.
“You threatened me first this time,” Spike snarled at her. “I ought to rip your lungs-“
“Don’t you threaten my little girl!” Hank shouted as he glared at Spike. “Brother to Angel or not, I will not have you shout at my baby!”
Spike looked derisively at the Slayer’s father and sneered. “And what do you think you can do about it? You can’t even keep your clothes on!”
Hank gave Spike a stony look, then glared at Faith as she commented, “Man, you look like a cooked lobster!”
“Hank! Faith! Liam! Enough!” Joyce ordered as she looked in the general direction of the voices. She tugged on Rupert’s arm again. “Rupert-“
“Not until the turd wears clothes,” Rupert said stubbornly.
“Will someone get me something to wear?” Hank demanded as he tried to cover himself even more with his hands. When no one moved an inch, he tried to move to the column behind Angel’s brother.
“Get the hell away from me, you damn poof!” Spike said as he moved away from the bloody ponce that was making his Mum’s life hell. Then he looked at the Slayer and snorted. “Now I know that you’re related to this ponce, you’re acting just like-ow!”
“Be nice, Spike, before I do something Joyce will make sure I regret,” Angel snarled as he massaged his hand and glared at the younger vampire. “Ow! What was that for?”
Hank stared at his daughter as what she said processed through his mind, and he moaned loudly as he spread his hands wider. He tried to put on a pleading face as he swallowed his pride. Not running away and hiding behind plants like Owen and that Scott boy was one thing, but facing the rest of his ex-in-laws…Anything was better than having the MacGilverny clan seeing him naked. “Oh, God! That’s right! The Clan is coming! Can someone just get me some clothes? Please?”
“Hold on, Daddy. Angel will be happy to get you something,” Buffy said brightly. Then she glared at her fiancé as he just stood next to her stubbornly. She moved to stand in front of her father, covering most of his nakedness from her Grandda Mac’s derisive view. “Isn’t that right, Angel?”
“I’m still thinking about it, honey,” Angel announced as he looked at his future father-in-law balefully. “He’s-“
“Angel, I just got a micro-pink and white polka dot bikini,” Buffy said suddenly. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Angel. “Think what I can do what I can do with it.”
“Can someone please get me some clothes?” Hank asked again in a higher pitched voice as he looked at the uninterested faces around him. “Please? A towel, a scarf-”
Then his rarely used father’s radar came up as Hank tuned in on Buffy’s announcement. He looked down at her with a look of paternal disapproval. “Buffy! Where did you get the micro bikini? When did you get the micro bikini?”
“Later, Daddy,” Buffy said as she matched stares with Angel. She deliberately crossed her arms and pushed her breasts up. Angel stared at her as she lifted her chest.
Scowling at his daughter’s actions, Hank ordered, “Buffy, stop that! Angel-“
“Aye, Elizabeth. Stop teasing yer man,” Grandda MacGilverny said as he looked at Angel with a frown. “Angel, ye should be keeping that gleam to yer self, ye aren’t married to her yet. Now rein it in, boyo, before I introduce ye to the pointy end of my ashplant, if ye ken my meaning.”
Forcing his eyes to look at something else other than Buffy’s chest and the image of her in a pink and white polka dot micro bikini, Angel focused on Grandda Mac’s ashplant, otherwise known as his heavy walking stick. “I ken, sir. But I’ll have ye know that she’s been teasing me.”
“Is that not the nature of women? To tease their man?” Grandda Mac demanded as he glared at Angel. Then he smiled widely as he looked at his great-granddaughter affectionately. “Ye will do yer Grandma and yer ma proud, Elizabeth.”
“Thanks, Grandda Mac,” Buffy said as she leaned forward and kissed Grandda Mac’s wrinkled cheek. She set a steely eye on Angel as she thrust her chest up. “Are you going to get him clothes or am I wearing that bikini?”
“What? Buffy! Buffy, stop that! Are you saying that Buffy should continue teasing Angel?” Hank all but shouted as he stepped from behind his daughter. He pointed at Angel as he scowled at his former wife’s great-grandfather. “You approve of her marrying this-this-this walking hormone?”
Whistler scowled at the Slayer’s father. “Hey, leave the guy alone, you’re the one that made him into a walking hormone-“
“Better to have her wed him than to a stuttering man that can’t even keep himself decently covered,” Grandda Mac said pointedly as he looked at his Elizabeth’s naked as a jay bird and bright as a rusted pin head father. “And he’s more of a man than ye think if he lets her be who she is.”
“Daddy! You’re not covered again!” Buffy screeched as she covered her eyes.
Hank quickly jumped behind Buffy again as Grandda Mac snorted in disgust. “Some man you are, hiding behind yer own daughter!”
His face flushing into a violent red, Hank scowled at the older man as he spread his hands wider. “Now see here-“
“Do you mind? We’re really trying not to,” Cordelia said testily. “I mean, like yuck!”
Angrily, Hank glared at the sneering girl. “Now you look here, you-“
“Only if you insist and Giles lets us use his magnifying glass,” Faith quipped sweetly at him. “Ow! Amy!”
Slack jawed, Hank stared at the dark haired girl as her blonde friend scolded her. “Faith, you know better than to make fun of turds with-“
“Small attributes?” Faith said sweetly. “I didn’t know you looked, Amy!”
“Faith! Amy! Why are you looking at my father’s attributes?” Buffy screeched from mortification. She looked up at the love of her life, but, who, at this moment, was rapidly turning into the annoyance of her life. “Angel! Get my father some clothes now! Like your sweater! Before I strut out to the pool in my bikini! You’re as bad as Amy talking about my father’s attributes!”
“The only person that you’re going to strut that bikini for is me, sweetheart,” Angel growled as his eyes flashed yellow as he looked mulishly at her. “And if I give him my sweater, I might not get the turd scent off!”
“I wasn’t about to say ‘attributes’! I was about to say small hands!” Amy shouted in her defense as her face turned pink. “Your father has small hands so that just means-“
“He has small hands because he has small attributes?” Faith supplied innocently as she smirked at Hank. Then she looked down at the tiled floor. “And now we know that foot size is a direct correlation to his attribute size-at least in the turd’s case.“
Eugenia feigned surprise as she stared at Faith. “Faith! You used your word of the day! I’m so proud of you! Now can you remember what ‘correlation’ means?”
Faith nodded solemnly as her eyes twinkled. “Yeah, it means that the turd here has small hands and feet so that means his attributes are-“
“Now, you listen here! I do not have small hands!” Hank shouted as his face turned red. “Furthermore, I certainly do not have a small anything! Not hands, or feet or attributes and furthermore, I-“
Everyone looked at Joyce as she started to cough and clear her throat loudly. Giles started to smirk as Hank stared, aghast at his ex-wife. “Joyce!”
“What? I had something in my throat!” Joyce protested as she faced Hank’s horrified voice. Hearing the snorts and snickers of disbelief, she rolled her eyes as best as she could. “Really! Like I go around comparing Rupert and Hank’s sizes when there is no comparison between the two!”
“None at all, Jack?” Dante asked doubtfully as he dodged his wife’s elbow and ignored Buffy’s choke of horror. “You sure about that?”
Red-faced and smiling weakly at the accusing eyes of his wife’s grandfather, his father and grandfather and the glowering eyes of Dante, Giles cleared his throat. ”No need to go into so many details now, darling.”
“Yeah, Mom! I really don’t want hear this!” Buffy screeched as she covered her ears. She looked at her Watcher and mother balefully. “I am going to be so scarred before this wedding happens! I’ll need therapy for the next decade!”
“She probably was reacting from some of the flying turd around here,” Eugenia said helpfully as she looked at the bane of her brother’s life. “You know, the need to say something in the face of all the turd viewing around here.”
“At least she wasn’t coughing up something from having a small attribute,” Whistler smirked at her, then ducked Dante’s swipe at him. The smaller demon came back up and stuck his tongue at the sorcerer. “Hah! You missed! Ow!”
“You deserved that, you little ponce! That’s a disgusting thought to have about Mum and the Watcher!” Spike snarled at the demon as he shook his fist under the smaller demon’s nose. “Make fun of the Slayer all you want, but keep your mind civil about Mum, else you’ll be stuffed first into the hotel meat grinder!”
Whistler lifted his chin up mulishly. “Why the hell are you yelling at me for? It’s a well-known fact of life that the G-man beds Mrs.G as fast as he can get his hands on her! Especially since the turd came into town and that for the last month Angel has been walking around like robot because he has a hot rod in the front-“
“Whistler, shut up,” Angel said through his teeth, then stopped when he saw Buffy’s angelic smile as she crossed her arms and bunched her breasts higher and closer together. He gulped then gave a black look at Buffy’s father. “Mr. Summers-”
“Buffy! Stop that!” said Hank as he glared at Angel. “Did you get her a micro bikini to wear, you pervert? Joyce, how could you allow Buffy to-”
Letting out an exasperated sound, Joyce scowled in the direction of her ex. “Hank, I have a micro bikini in-mmph!”
“No need to tell everyone and the turd of what’s part of your trousseau, darling, it’s a private matter,” Giles said desperately as he turned his wife around to face him and pulled her hard against his body. After making sure she had her face buried at the crook of his neck, he finally processed what she said. He nudged her chin up and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “And when did you get it?”
“When Buffy had her bridal shower,” Joyce grinned at her husband mischievously. Her lashes lowered, and she could feel her husband’s pounding heart as she snuggled closer to him. “I also got a lot more… things that I didn’t get to show you yet but if you want we could have a small-”
“I’m still confused,” Xander announced loudly as he looked at Giles and Mrs.G, then he looked at Buffy then at Angel and back. He still couldn’t get it. ”So what does getting clothes for your father have to do you and your mother wearing a micro bikini-OW! What the hell was that for?”
“It was an ounce of prevention, Xander,” Cordelia said sweetly. “And I’ll demonstrate later on what I’ll do if you imagine Buffy in it, got it?”
“I hear and obey, my Queen of Mean, but I’m still not getting it,” Xander said as he rubbed the back of his head. “And what does Buffy’s mother-OW!”
Outraged, Xander scowled at Spike. “I wasn’t imagining Mrs.G in it! Giles would’ve killed me! But what does Buffy and a-“
“If you imagine Buffy in that, I know that I will kill you,” Angel growled menacingly at Xander. “Got it?”
“And then every male relation in the lobby will want a crack at you,” Oz said blandly as he nodded towards Grandda Mac and the loitering Carruthers who were blatantly listening to the exchange in the lobby.
Xander’s brown eyes widened, then he shook his head wildly, saying, “I’m not thinking! I’m not thinking! Really! I’m not thinking of Buffy in a micro polka dot bikini!”
Joyce rolled her eyes as she heard Xander’s chant, then she smiled at her husband. “But mine is cuter, it’s blue and white with a matching little -“
“Mom! You stop melting Giles’s brains now!” Buffy wailed as she glared at her mother and her Watcher. “Look at him! He’s all gooey and melted now! And absolutely into the sex line of thought! Hormone check, Mom!”
“Yeah, like total ew! ‘Grown-ups’ and ‘sex’ shouldn’t be in the same sentence,” Cordelia announced as she grimaced at the older couple. “Not wanting to go there!”
As the Scooby gang agreed with her, Whistler looked at Joyce speculatively. “With Mrs.G in a micro bikini? Are you nuts? I wouldn’t mind to go down that-Ow!”
“Would ye be wanting to rephrase that sentence now, boyo?” Grandda Mac said as he cracked his knuckles. “And be keeping yer eyes to yeself? If ye ken my meaning.”
“Why is the Tweed allowed to image her in a micro bikini with a private showing and I’m not?” Whistler demanded as he scowled at the older human. “Why aren’t you bashing his head in?
“I know that answer! Maybe it’s because that’s his wife?” Xander said brightly. Then he looked at Whistler in a very Giles-like manner as he intoned, “Known human fact: Husbands, fiancés and boyfriends can see the significant others in varying degrees of apparel but those who are not significant others, can’t. Got it? And what is everyone staring at me for?”
“You actually sounded like Giles for a second there, Xander,” Buffy said as she stared at him. “That’s freaky!”
Giles stared at Xander with wide eyes. “I quite agree. Xander, do stop talking like me! It is quite unnerving!”
“How do you think it makes me feel?” Xander demanded in a horrified voice. He looked at Cordelia. “Shoot me if I start wearing tweed!”
“Without a doubt!” Cordelia told him cheerfully. “I absolutely refuse to caught with a man in tweed. You get itchy from that stuff and I refuse to get a rash for you!”
Xander fearfully looked at her. “That’s my Cordy?”
Grandda Mac snorted at this exchange, then returned his attention to the funny, little demon in the bowler hat. “As I told ye before, better ta keep yer eyes in, demon. Got it?”
Whistler looked at the Slayer’s great-grandfather and smiled angelically. “Eyes in because I ken your meaning, Grandda Mac.”
“Good, because an usher in a body cast ruins the whole ‘perfect wedding’ scene,” Dante announced as he looked at Whistler. He gave a sly glance at Jack’s husband. “Don’t you think a woman should have a nice and perfect wedding day, Tweed? For an usher to be in a body cast is as bad as the bride and groom getting married while the groom is laid up and in a hospital bed. Very gauche, don’t you think so, Tweed? Whistler?”
While Whistler gave Dante a weak smile, Giles simply glared at his brother-in-law. “It is only gauche if one makes it so, Dante. Others might think it quite…stimulating.”
It took but a moment for that to process into the minds of the Scooby gang, then most of them had faces filled with dismay. Buffy looked at her mother and Giles in horror, then shuddered violently. “Okay, guys. This is really grossing me out. Enough talk about what you’re all talking about ‘cause I really don’t want to say what it is so there really is no need for me to say it. So stop talking about it, got it?”
“What the hell did you just say?” Spike demanded as he stared at Buffy, then snarled at her when she glared at him. “What? Is it my fault that you can’t speak English like a normal person would?”
“What’s a matter, Spike? You didn’t understand her perfectly?” Faith smirked at him. “I understood her perfectly, and I bet that Willow did too. Right?”
“Absolutely,” Willow said as she looked from Spike to Buffy, then back. “She’s talking about the ew-subject of Giles, her mom and sex again. And to be specific, but not too specific ‘cause it really is an ew-subject and it involved Giles and Mrs.G, sex in the-”
“Thank you, Willow!” Giles said loudly as he avoided the bulging eyes of his grandfather, father, brother, Dante, and Joyce’s grandfather. “There is really no need to go into specifics!”
“Which is that you and Mrs.G did it like Gunn and I did it, while he was in a hospital bed,” Faith said with a smirk. As Giles glared at her, Faith gave him an angelic look. “Hey, at least the nurses didn’t catch you while you wrestled with her in the bed!”
In an effort to try and stop her giggling, Joyce wrapped her arms around Rupert’s shoulders and buried her face deeper into his neck. Willing his blush to go away, his eyes suddenly fell on Hank. When he noticed the dazed look on Hank’s face, Giles gave the turd a smile, a smile that is often seen on maniacs, unfriendly dogs and on a very unfriendly Ripper. “Don’t you have to get some clothes?”
“Do we really need to know about your sex-escapades, Faith?” Cordelia said regally as she smacked Xander as he dazedly looked at Faith. “Drop the thought Xander, we’re not going to try it in the hospital bed.”
Rubbing his shoulder, Xander said meekly, “Yes, ma’am. At least we managed to do it in the records room.”
“Yeah, but even Willow and Oz has got you beat there,” Faith said innocently as she slid a look at the red head. “They had all the cameras and spotlights when the did it in the operation/lecture hall.”
As Willow’s face clashed violently with her hair, Oz looked blandly at Xander’s incredulous face. “We were there studying how light and acoustics affect certain anatomical functions.”
“At least it’s better than doing it in the broiler room,” muttered Buffy. She scowled as she looked up at Angel. “I’m starting to feel like we’re in a rut, how come we never got to-“
Quickly, Angel put his hand over Buffy’s mouth as he smiled weakly at Buffy’s great-grandfather. “It was a very nice boiler room. With a mattress. And sound proof walls.”
“You has sex with Buffy in a boiler room?” Hank whispered hoarsely as he stared at Angel. “You had SEX with Buffy in a hospital boiler room?!?”
Angel stared at Buffy’s father as his face paled and then flushed red. “Well, I-we-you see-it-“
“YOU HAD SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER IN A BOILER ROOM?!?!” Hank Summers roared as he stepped around Buffy and made his way towards Angel. “You has sex with my baby in a BOILER ROOM?!?”
“I think that’s what he said,” Whistler said cheerfully as he looked at his friend. “Buffy and sex in the boiler room with a nice mattress and sound proof walls-OW! OW! OW! Red! What was that for?!?””
“Shut up, Whistler!” Willow said sweetly as she rubbed her hand. “If Hank kills Angel, there’s no wedding and Buffy will kill you!”
“That’s an idea,” Spike mused as he looked at his grandsire back away from his future in-law. He called out, “And I bet she screamed with she was in-OW!”
“Liam! Behave this minute!” Joyce said as she gave him a maternal frown. “You will behave, young man!”
Spike let his head down like a chastened little boy. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Hank! You stop stalking Angel right now!” Joyce shouted as she started to follow her frantic daughter. “Hank! Stop!”
“Joyce! Get back here!” Giles shouted as he followed his wife. “Joyce!”
“You had sex with my baby in a boiler room!” Hank growled as murder leapt into his brown eyes. “A sound proof boiler room! You sick pervert! You disgusting animal!”
Being no fool and feeling that he was pinned against one of the many columns in the lobby, Angel lifted his hands to try and placate the other man as he came closer. “Now, Mr.Summers- it wasn’t like that-Buffy! Do something!”
Buffy tried to stop her father as she stepped in front of her father. “Daddy! Now, Daddy- stop! You have no clothes on and-“
“Hank, you must stop this at once!” Joyce ordered as she caught up and scowled at her ex-husband. “This is-“
Hank paused to glare at his ex-wife. “Absolutely unacceptable! You let Buffy become involved with a perverted man who likes to have sex in boiler rooms! I’ll discuss this with you later, Joyce! You raised Buffy absolutely wrong!”
Joyce placed her hands on her hips as a militant look came into her brown eyes. “Now, you listen to me, Henry Summers! We-Hank! Get back here!”
Hank Summers merely stepped around his ex-wife. Desperate, Buffy ran around him to try again. “It really wasn’t that bad, Daddy! I kinda liked-“
That stopped Hank Summers as he stared at his daughter. “You liked it? You liked having perverted sex in the boiler room?!? Buffy! You and that-that pervert-”
“It wasn’t perverted sex!” Angel said indignantly. Then his eyes widened as Hank whipped his gaze at Angel, let out a roar as he leapt for Angel’s throat.
With his natural reflexes, Angel did what came natural. He ducked…and then heard a thump. With wide eyes, Angel looked down at his future father-in-law. “Oh no…”
“He’ll be fine, honey. He’s just out cold,” Joyce said gently as she put her hand at Hank’s throat and felt his steady pulse. “But I have no idea how Angel’s going to be when he wakes up.”
“He’s going to skewer Angel,” Buffy moaned loudly. Then she looked up and glared at Angel. “Angel, how could you duck? He’ll never like you now!”
“That’s all right, Slayer, Peaches will survive,” Spike snorted dismisively. Then he sneered at Angel. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen! You ran like Xan-dirt when that turd came after you-“
Angel glared at Spike. “I resent that remark! I did not run away from Hank like Xander!”
“Oh, right! You didn’t scream like a stuck pig,” Spike snorted. “Big deal. You still cowered from the bloody turd.”
“Aye, how could ye cower from that pin head?” Grandda Mac demanded as he glared at the young vampire. “It was an insult to your Celtic blood to run from an idiot like him! I’m ashamed of ye!”
Angel bristled at Spike’s sneer and Grandda Mac’s scolding. “What was I supposed to do? Let him choke me and find out that I can’t breathe?”
“It would have been better than running from him like an Englishman!” Grandda Mac said as he glowered at Angel. “And what’s this about ye and Elizabeth in a boiler room?”
Grandfather James bristled at the accusation. “Now, I resent that remark, you Scot!”
“As amusing as this conversation is going to be with all the accusations of who had sex where,” Joyce said as she rose to her feet. “We’d better get the turd into his bedroom-“
Whistler scowled as he looked at the people around him. “Well, at least the some of you get some. I haven’t had any since Roosevelt went into office.” He looked speculatively at Amy. “Unless someone wants to help change that-“
The young witch merely stepped back and scowled at the demon. “Come near me and I’ll make you into a tiny and impotent rock.”
Whistler shrugged and then looked at Faith who sniffed her nose at him. “I’m not that desperate yet.”
“Like I said, as amusing as this conversation is going to be with all begging of whom to have sex with,” Joyce said loudly as she glared at Whistler. “We still need to get the turd into his bedroom-“
Buffy glared at her godfather. “Uncle Dante!”
“Dante,” Joyce scowled. “That is not an option. We have to move-”
“Besides I think he has a big rash on his ass,” Dante said with a grimace. Then he noticed the silence as everyone stared at him. “What?”
Eugenia stared at her husband. “Why are you looking at the turd’s ass?”
His ears turning red and his scar twitching, Hank looked at his wife. “Because it’s a huge target and how can you miss it?”
Joyce shook her head. “I really don’t want to hear this. Angel, you and Liam can-“
Spike crossed his arms. “Sorry, Mum. It’s like I said before it’s against my moral code to help turds. So one of you pansies can do it. I refuse to get a rash from that turd, way thing are going his ass would hold a virus deadly to vampires.”
Angel stared at Spike, then looked at Joyce. “That’s it, I’m definitely not touching him!”
“Angel! You have to carry Daddy! It was your fault that you ducked!” Buffy said as she poked a finger at his chest.
Joyce sighed as she heard the other men argue with Buffy as they start to give excuses on why they couldn’t carry Hank to his room. Clapping her hands like a teacher and getting everyone’s attention, Joyce placed her hands on her hips. “If none of you manly men are going to carry Hank back to his room, then it’ll have to be us women. And if we have to do it, I can assure all you men that we won’t be in the mood for anything that relates to sex. So what’s it gonna be?”
The men of the Scooby gang looked at each other, then at Joyce. Xander raised his hand as he asked, ”Do the resort have lots of disinfecting turd soap?”