NEVER TRY TO BITE SANTA
Timeline:Before "What's My Line?"; the Happy Holiday Season.
Summary: Everyone's trying to do some holiday shopping...
"So..what the *hell* am I, as the Slayer doing this for?"Buffy muttered to herself for the millionth time as she smiled and waved at a crying child and grumpy parent."How long is it until closing?"
Xander looked at Buffy as he lead a parent and his baby daughter down the aisle to a large structure labeled "Santa's House" in bright red sparkles and green trimmings. “It’s three hours, forty-seven minutes and some seconds until closing. And because as the Slayer, you're broke and in dire need of money to buy your Mom a Christmas gift. AND this was the only job available at the time."
"Well, at least she doesn't have to hide whenever her Mom come to the mall,"Willow said grumpily as she met the two outside Santa's House."My dad sees me in this get up, no telling what he'll do...and this is after I die of embarrassment in this get up."
Buffy nodded somberly as she looked down at her own costume. It was the same that Willow was wearing: a red hat with white trimmings, a red scarf, red vest over a striped green and white blouse, green mini-skirt, and white stockings. The only allowance the mall had allowed was that Buffy was able to wear her black ankle high boots instead of the bright red boots that Willow had to wear.
"At least you fems don't have to wear this stupid hat all the time,"Xander said as he smacked at the large hat he had to wear in order to complete his costume as a tin soldier."Thank God that I lost the cheek things that they told me to wear with it."
As Willow smiled at Xander sympathetically, a small crowd caught Buffy's eye."Oh, great! Here come Cordy and her cronies! Thought I'd never pray for another set of screaming babies and their parents to come soon."
Cordelia and her cronies approached Buffy and smiled snidely,"Oh, you three are definitely looking your seasonal best!"
"Whatcha doing here, Cordy? Looking for some more make-up to hide the pimple you have on your nose?"Buffy said sweetly."Not that it shows much under all that concealer."
Cordelia lifted her nose at Buffy,"I never have pimples, not unlike the Tin Soldier there. But if you must know, I'm here to buy something at Bloomie's."
"Please, Cordy! A little bit too much information! No need to tell us about your underwear! I can hear about it in the locker room,"Xander said as he saw a group of parents head over."Heads up people, incoming!"
"You mean, you've been in the men's locker room? Where the real men are? Funny, I thought you still went into the Ladies Room with your Mommy,"Cordelia said with a smirk as the Wanna-be Cordies giggled.
Then she looked at Buffy,"And, I know for sure that you never would go there without usual Scent of Toilet water."
"Oh, I don't know, Buffy always smells great to me,"said a voice from behind Cordelia. Cordelia swung around to give a scathing reply when Angel simply passed by her and headed towards Buffy.
The Wannabe Cordies parted for him like the Red Sea as he passed through, staring at him. Buffy gave Angel a welcoming smile as she opened her arms at him."Angel! What are you doing here?"
Angel simply kissed her before he answered."I called your house and asked where you were. Your Mom told me you were here. I needed to speak to you."
As Buffy frowned quickly at him, Angel looked at the group assembled before him."If all of you will excuse us, I have to see Buffy for a minute. And Xander, there's a man waving over there to get your attention."
As Xander looked over he groaned."Come on Will, another bunch of kids to see Santa! See you for more vile air later, Cordy!"
Angel smiled at Buffy as he lead her away, but not before he and Buffy heard a girl say,"Who is that guy! El weirdo is dating him?!? Where did she find him?"
"Shut up, Harmony!"
Buffy giggled as Angel led her to behind the house."Well, now that's done! So, Angel, what's the sitch?"
Angel looked at her blankly."Huh?"
"You said that you wanted to see me about something,"Buffy said patiently as she looked at him. Full Slayer mode was on."And it usually has something to do with danger, so what's the sitch?"
Angel nodded wisely as he looked at her."You're right, there is a danger. It's about to become a real unhealthy problem soon."
Alarmed Buffy stared at him."What is it? What's going to happen?"
Angel looked around, with Buffy cautiously doing the same. He then leaned his face closer to hers as his hands went to her hips and lifted her slightly."It's been twelve hours since I last saw you and I'm going to go crazy unless you kiss me. That's what's going to happen!"
Buffy giggled when she realized what he said. Angel gave her a mock frown."You don't think it's serious, Slayer?"
Buffy straightened her face, then wrapped her arms around his neck."It's *very* serious, Angel. I think I'd better stop it before it happens!"
"I think you should,"Angel whispered as his lips met Buffy's.
*****
If he wasn't dead, Spike would swear that he was dying from a headache. He looked behind him and saw his three minions were loaded with packages, then he looked at Drucilla hopefully."Can we go now, love? The stores are about to close and if we want to get a bite to eat, we have to leave now."
Drucilla gave him a reproachful look."But we haven't found a gift for Miss Edith, yet. I want a prezzie for her, there were worms on her dress yesterday. And Christmas is only three days away!"
"Dru, my pet. We found dresses for your other dolls, we found black roses for your room, we found jewelry for your pretty little neck, and we found dresses for your ever beautiful body,"Spike said in almost a plea."We've been shopping since sundown. We can shop tomorrow, sweet! And we're vampires! We don't celebrate Christmas! Haven't I told you that for the past ninety years?"
As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Spike regretted it. Drucilla's face crumpled and she was about to keen her displeasure with him."All right, pet! You win! We'll keep on hunting for a dress for Miss Edith!"
He looked at his minions."Morris! Damien! Both of you put all those packages in the car! Cyril! You start searching-"
"Oh! Look, Spike! Santa's House! Can we go there? Can we?"Drucilla whispered excitedly as she saw the mall ad for the place. Spike held a grimace.
"Perhaps when we have time, love. After we find Miss Edith's party dress,"Spike said. < Not if I can bloody well help it! >
He gave the minions a lethal look."Cyril, go look for a dress for dress that way, and we'll go this way. We meet at the car when the mall closes. And eat on the run, if you must, but don't keep us waiting! Now go! Shall we, love?"
*****
"Momma! Momma! Look at the man kiss Santa's elf!" shouted a child's voice.
Awareness hit Buffy as she reluctantly removed her mouth from Angel's. Undaunted, Angel simply moved his head to her neck.
Sighing with pleasure, Buffy finally focused her mind on other unpleasant things...like work. Buffy gave Angel one last kiss on the chin as he nibbled behind her ear."We can finish this later, Angel. I have to go now...Angel!"
"Right!"Angel said as he reluctantly let her go. He smiled as he took notice of his work. Buffy's lips were swollen from his mouth, her eyes were still a bit clouded from his kisses and her neck,from under her scarf, held a small red pattern. Angel kissed her pert little nose."Meet you after work, I'll take you home,Buffy."
"Help me patrol tonight?" Buffy said as she kissed his chin again."Then we can exchange our gifts. The wonder of it! Our first Christmas together!"
"You bet,"Angel said as he gave her one last kiss on the mouth. Then another."I'll see you in...about three hours?"
"And some odd minutes,"Buffy nodded happily as she tried to amend the damage that Angel had done while kissing her.
Angel walked away smiling to himself as a thought hit him as he stopped."What if she hates what I got her?"
*****
Spike swore that his head was going to explode. Everytime he tried to lead Drucilla to a toy shop, a new fancy bauble caught her eye, and he just had to get it for her. Luckily, the meal that he had earlier seemed to have an unlimited amount on his credit card and several hundred dollars worth of cash. Enough to help with this shopping spree. He rubbed his temples as he looked at his lady love affectionately. She was presently occupied in smelling various perfumes and their bottles in the perfume shop. Spike rubbed his head some more. When he looked up, he noticed a lingerie shop across the mall. In the window, a mannequin was sporting a very lacy and very red Merry Widow ensemble. Then he noticed his minion staring at it.
"Damien!"Spike shouted. Damien noticed Spike and came over."Watch Drucilla, I want to see what's in that store over there!"
Damien nodded and placed himself next to Drucilla as Spike spoke to her."Dru, baby. I'm going to shop a bit. Stay with Damien for now."
Drucilla looked at Spike and pouted. Spike touched her pouting lips."I'm going to get a little thing for you, sweet. So be good and listen to Damien here."
As Drucilla nodded, Spike glared at Damien."Make sure she's safe, and for sake of our sanity, keep her happy. Else I'll string you up in the sunlight with garters."
As Spike headed towards the lingerie shop, Drucilla looked at the minion."Does this smell nice? It reminds me of rotting cabbage in my garden."
Damien eyed Drucilla warily as he leaned over to sniff the perfume.
*****
His arms loaded with bags, Angel wandered the mall, thinking of killing time until Buffy was of work He looked at the wares through the windows, then his eye was caught as he saw a flash of color in a window. Angel walked closer to the window as he stared at the barely dressed mannequin.
It was wearing a very red, very lacy and *very* provocative Merry Widow. In his mind's eye, he saw Buffy wearing it. In his bed. Angel shook his head to clear his mind of the image, but as soon as he opened his eyes again, his eyes went straight to the Merry Widow. Then he felt his feet walk towards it.
"She's hasn't even given you permission to do anything but nibble on her neck, Angelus Kiernan Sutherland, so what the hell makes you think that she'd agree to wear this?"Angel muttered to himself as he walked into the store.
As soon as he walked into the store, he smiled at a sales lady."Uh, how much is that ensemble in the window? And do you have it in other colors?"
*****
Cyril was bored. And he was hungry. He looked at the crowd of people that were getting ready to leave the mall. Then he noticed a Santa figure walk towards the bathrooms. He smiled evilly as he stealthily followed him.
*****
Buffy waved gaily at the people that were about to leave. She touched the small of her back as she waved."Two hours more until Santa's closed! Yay!"
Buffy turned around to scan the next crowd when she saw a familiar, if haggard face."Giles! Hi! Doing some Christmas shopping?"
Giles gave Buffy a weary smile as he came over."Yes, I am. I just finished shopping in that horrid toy store over at the end of the mall, do you know how expensive it is to buy a Victoria doll and her holiday dresses? Quite exhorbent, I assure you!"
"And yet, you still play with dolls,"Buffy said with a straight face as Giles shot her a scathing look.
"It's not for me, it's for my friend's daughter in England. It's much cheaper here in America than it is in England,"Giles said in a long suffering voice."But now, I am almost done. Just a few more presents to shop for..."
Buffy looked at Giles's bags curiously."Anything for me?"
Giles simply looked at his Slayer. Buffy gave him her best coaxing look."I'll tell you what yours is if you tell me what mine is..."
"Summers! Have you seen Harve?"bellowed a harried looking manager. Buffy shook her head."Damn! He went to the bathroom thirty minutes ago, and he still hasn't returned! And all the Santas are booked."
The harried looking manager looked at Giles. Giles stepped back. He didn't like the gleam in the manager's eye. It looked too much like Herr Snyder's gleam when he wanted something."How would you like to earn some money playing Santa?"
Giles shook his head violently."No! No thank you! I have enough trouble being myself, thank you! I don't need to play a fictional character at all! Playing Father Christmas indeed!"
"But don't you want to send some Christmas cheer while earning money?"the manager coaxed. Giles stepped back, ready to escape. He was frantically looking for a graceful way out when Xander and Willow stepped from around the Santa's House.
"Hey! What's up, boss? Hey, Giles!"Xander greeted the manager and Giles. Willow waved at the panicked-looking Giles.
The manager looked sorrowfully at the teens."Well, Harve is missing, and we have no replacement for him. We ad asked this gentleman to replace him for two measly hours, not even! Only has to be one,but he still refuses! He's a Scrooge!"
"I am not a Scrooge!"Giles said indignantly. But the manager ignored him.”I simply do not wish to spend my time off playing Father Christmas to a bunch of moppets.”
"Right, Scrooge. Well, I guess that it's no double time for you kids, then. Since we have to close Santa's House early tonight,"the manager said as he shook his head."Too bad kids!"
Buffy, Willow and Xander looked at each other in horror, then jointly stared at Giles with pleading eyes. Giles looked at his Slayer and her friends, then looked at the ceiling as he gave in with ill grace."For only one hour? And these three get double time for it?"
The manager nodded happily."Done! Here's the Santa suit, and be ready in ten!"
As the manager left, Giles cocked an eyebrow and looked at the Slayer and the Slayerettes."You three owe me!"
*****
Impatiently Spike waited at the counter, bored. His eyes roamed at the other little pricey tidbits. The counter girl that was helping him had disappeared to wrap the Merry Widow. As he walked over towards a silk negligee, someone bumped him from behind."Hey!Watch your feet!"
As he swung around, Spike stared into the stunned eyes of his sire, Angelus. Spike crossed his arms and gave him a cocky grin."Well, well. See what the dead cat dragged in! The puppy whipped Angelus!"
Angel's jaw twitched as he greeted Spike."Spike...still looking for ways to make Drucilla love you?"
Spike's jaw hardened."She loves me, more than she ever loved you! And, she'll love me far more when I kill that bitch of yours."
"As far as I heard, she's more than ready to kill you, Spike,"said Angel as his eyes flashed."Buffy can meet you any time, and still beat you."
"But you can't, can you? Still letting women fight your fights, Angel?"Spike taunted. Angel bristled and was about to retort something when a sales girl came over with two boxes.
“Here you go, sir. All wrapped, one Merry Widow in Saucy Red in size Medium, for you,”said the sales girl cheerfully as she handed it to Spike, then turned to Angel,”And one for you, in size Petite. Happy Holidays! I’m sure your girls will love them!”
Spike and Angel stared at each other warily as they clutched their boxes. Finally, Spike sneered,”Finally got into the Slayer’s pants, Angellus?”
“Better than hiding under Dru’s skirts,”Angel sneered back. Spike growled at Angel, and Angel growled back. The two men circled each other slowly in the store.
“Take it outside,”said a voice. Both vampires looked up and saw an annoyed looking manager.”We have no time for stupid male posturing here in Secrets, so both of you take it outside. And if I were you, I’d dump the chick who’s two-timing both of you honeys.”
Angel and Spike looked at the woman, stunned. The manager grabbed each vampire by the arm and dragged them out the doors.”Now go home and think about it, or go outside the mall and fight. But whatever you two do, don’t do it here.”
*****
“Ohh, this is so pretty,”Drucilla said dreamily as she walked towards a magenta silk dress. Then a sign caught her eye, and she squealed happily.”Oh! I almost forgot! We have to see Father Christmas! We’re going to see Father Christmas!”
Damien stared at Drucilla in horror as she skipped happily out of the store. While looking frantically for Spike, Damien followed his mistress to Santa’s House.
*****
“Well, now. The hour’s up, and Santa’s House is now officially closed for the night,”the manager said with some measure of satisfaction. He eyed Giles in his Santa suit.”And you, sir, make a great Santa. Want to do it again next year?”
Giles shot the manager a look.”I thank you, sir. But I think not. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I think that I must change.”
“Better hurry, mall’s going to close in an hour, being that it’s going to be open until midnight tomorrow and Christmas Eve,”the manager said. He looked at Harris, Rosenberg and Summers.”And you kids did great. Ready to work tomorrow?”
Xander made a grimacing smile.”As long as no other kids kick me in the shins again, I’m game.”
“That’s the spirit, kids,”the manager said.”Well, good-night. I’m going to make the closing announcement.”
Xander looked at the two girls.”I’m off to change myself. See you girls in a bit. Yo! G-man! Wait up!”
*****
Cyril smiled as he headed towards the toy shop. That Santa was absolutely delicious. Cyril started to whistle a jaunty tune when another red figure caught his eye. His face brightened. It was another Santa!
“Attention! Attention! The mall will be closing in forty-five minutes! Please make all final selections! Thank you and Happy Holidays from Sunset Mall!”
*****
Angel growled at Spike as they circled each other, both men laden with gifts. And both ignoring the mall announcement.
“Think you can take me on, you big pillock?”Spike taunted.”Without your little fancy piece?”
“Any time, any place,”Angel snarled back as he laid his bags down. With a snarl, Spike did the same.
Spike was about to lunge when he heard a blood curdling scream. His eyes popped open in fear.”Drucilla!”
*****
Buffy stretched her back as she yawned.”Man! That was a grueling seven hours! But the double time was worth it! Now I can get Mom’s gift and have extra for new shoes!”
“And I can get that new modem!”Willow said happily. Then she noticed Buffy’s tensed look.”What’s wrong?”
“Vamp dead ahead,”Buffy said as she automatically looked for her bag.”And he’s...ohmigod! He’s tailing Giles and Xander!”
Both Buffy and Willow broke off into a run.
*****
Drucilla smiled happily as she walked towards Father Christmas’s House.”Damien? You’re an American, why do they call Father Christmas Santa? That’s not his name.”
“I-I dunno,”Damien answered. Drucilla looked at him balefully, then with a gleam that made him uncomfortable.”Look! Isn’t that San-I mean Father Christmas?”
Drucilla turned and smiled happily when she saw him walking towards her.”Oh! And he has a soldier with him! Look! He’s coming to us! Let’s go meet him!”
She started towards Father Christmas and his soldier when she saw two hands reach out and grab Father Christmas by the neck and yank him. Drucilla screamed as she raced towards where Father Christmas disappeared. The soldier saw her coming and then gave a scream of his own as he raced towards the direction of Father Christmas.”BUFFY!!”
*****
Xander tackled the vamp as he started dragging Giles out the mall doors. The three of them fell to the ground, but the vampire bounded up quickly and then backhanded Xander.
“I’ll have you for desert, soldier. As soon as I have Santa,”it growled. The vampire then lifted Santa off the ground and was about to bite him when he was tackled from behind.
“That’s my Watcher you’re about to eat!”Buffy shouted as she pummeled the vampire to the ground.”No *one* eats *my* Watcher!”
Just as she was about to stake him, the vampire threw a wild punch that hit Buffy from under the chin, then threw her off of him. The stake went flying as he then savagely back-handed her and picked her stunned body up and threw her against the wall.
As he made sure she was down for the moment, the vampire turned his attention back to the Santa, who was getting up groggily. The vampire grabbed the Santa by the neck.
“You had better taste good for all the trouble you’ve given me, Watcher,”the vampire snarled as he prepared to lunge for the neck. He stopped mid-lunge when he heard a blood curdling scream from behind him.
Cyril turned around and saw the enraged game face of his mistress. Her yellow eyes were wide with shock and anger. Cyril dropped the Watcher to the ground.”Mistress!”
Drucilla pointed an accusatory finger at Cyril.”You-you-You attacked Father Christmas!”
Cyril started to back away when Drucilla stepped forth. She slowly approached Cyril, and stepped on a stake. Drucilla looked down at it curiously, then picked up. She looked at Cyril.
“Mistress! Please!”Cyril said as he watched her come closer to him. Drucilla still approached him.
Giles groaned then quieted immediately when he realized he was on the ground. In between two vampires. And one of them was Drucilla.
“Drucilla!”Spike shouted as he enter the small alley.”Drucilla! What’s wrong pet? Damien, what’s going on?”
Drucilla looked at her lover, then pointed at Cyril.”He was going to eat Father Christmas!”
Spike blanched, then gave her a hearty smile.”But the bloody noddy didn’t, did he, love? Come on, let’s go home now. We can shop for Miss Edith’s dress tomorrow. Remember? Your dolly needs a dress? Let’s take Cyril home tonight and you can torture him for it.”
“No! I don’t want to torture him! He doesn’t deserve it!”Drucilla pouted, then turned her attention towards Cyril again.”He was going to eat Father Christmas!”
Cyril wildly looked around, then feinted to the left, then the right, all to avoid his mad mistress. It was all to no avail. With blinding speed, Drucilla caught Cyril by the neck, and as he choked, she staked him.
Drucilla smiled happily as she looked at Father Christmas who was watching her.She clapped her hands as she chanted.”Father! Father Christmas! I’ve been ever such a good girl! May I get a prezzie? May I?”
Father Christmas cleared his throat.“And have you been a good little girl, Drucilla?”
Drucilla nodded happily.”Oh, yes! I was a very good girl this year! I ate three priests, four nuns, twelve children and an assortment of humans. Then I burned down a church, an orphanage, and even a charity shop. And I poke out Miss Edith’s eyes all the time! I also called up a couple of demons to destroy the world, but the Slayer stopped them. They weren’t very durable. But I did find the demons very well, Father Christmas. Wasn’t I a good girl?”
“Yes. Yes, you were a good girl this year,”Father Christmas said after he cleared his throat again.”And I think that I have just the thing for you. Willow-Elf? Can you get my bags please? Thank you. I have just the prezzie for you, Drucilla.”
Spike interuppted.”Dru, pet. This isn’t Father Christ-”
Drucilla growled at Spike.”Of course it’s Father Christmas!”
She looked at Father Christmas apologetically.”I’m sorry. But my little Spike doesn’t believe in you. But will you get him something too? He’s been a good boy, too! He feeds me, and takes care of me, though I’m sick all the time. And he even beat up the Slayer a few times. I’m sure that he’ll kill her when the new year’s out, so can he please get a present? Please father Christmas? Please?”
“Spike may get a gift as well,”Father Christmas said.”Ah! Thank you, Willow-elf!”
Giles delved into his bags frantically.”Ah! Here it is! A dress for Miss Edith and a friend for her as well. Her name is Victoria. There now, a nice gift for a good little girl.”
Drucilla squealed happily as she hugged the doll and the dress. Then she looked at Father Christmas again.”Miss Edith will be so very happy! What about my Spike? What’s his gift?”
Father Christmas delved into the bags again.”And these are for Spike...for being such a good boy.”
“What is it?”Drucilla asked as she looked at the pretty brown bottle then at a small box. She sniffed at one.”It smells like leeches in the woods! I like it!”
Father Christmas blanched as he smiled.“I’m glad that you do, Drucilla. It’s a cologne from Armani and a bottle of-”
“A fifty year-old scotch. Thanks,old-I mean, Father Christmas,”Spike said as he smiled at Drucilla. He grabbed at the gifts and gathered Drucilla in his arms, then gave her everything.”Now, off with you pet, I’ve got to speak to Father Christmas for a bit. Go with Damien.”
Drucilla went happily off with Damien as Spike stared at Father Christmas. Buffy rose from the floor and Angel appeared from the side. Spike knew he was closed in, but he had no worries.”So who are you really?”
Giles took off the hat and beard.”I’m the Watcher, Spike.”
“Figures,”Spike snorted.”Well, I owe you one, mate. I really do. You saved me hours more of shopping, and I got some great scotch in the bargain.”
“Don’t mention it. Really,”Giles said dryly. Spike nodded and was about to leave when Angel blocked his way.
Spike looked up at his sire, amused.”Do you really want me to fight you now? If Drucilla heads back here for me and sees Father Christmas all unmasked...”
Angel glared at Spike before he stepped away.”We still have to have that match...”
“Any time, anyplace,”Spike said jovially. Then he looked at the Slayer with sly eyes.”And I’ll bet she’ll look real hot in the little number that you got.”
Angel growled as Spike left with a spring in his step.
“What little number?” He heard the Slayer ask.
~Fin.