A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on this tiptoes
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. Although he is
trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell.
After watching the boys efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the
street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and asks his name.
"Little Johnny" the boy replies.
"Would you like some help?"
"Sure"
The priest then
lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!"
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
One day the teacher announces that with the weather as nice as it is, let's all form up and go out side for some local math. They do. The teacher observes 3 black crows, resting on the power line. She turns to little Johnny and say's (with southern drawl) Little Johnny, say your daddy gets his gun and shoots down one of those crows, how many crows will be left.
Little Johnny drops his head, looking down on the ground, begins to roll a pebble with his foot. He looks up and says, I don't reckon none would be left.
Teacher says, tell me why, Little Johnny says, well, my daddy's gun is real loud, you shoot one of them thar crows and taothers would fly away.
Teacher responds, wrong answer but I like your thinkin.
At the end of the class excersize, Little Johnny says, hey teacher, I've got a question for you. Three women are a sittin on a park bench, each one has an ice cream cone, ones alickin it, ones abite'n it, ones asuckin it, which ones is married.
Teacher stops, knows Little Johnny is tough, better get this right or I'm in big trouble. Finally, she looks him in the eye and say's, well, I reckon it's the one a suckin on it, Little Johnny responds, wrong answer, it's the one with the weddin band, but I like your thinkin.
submitted by
JAMSEND...thanks
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo,
and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only "fasten 8."
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher asked the class if anyone could think of a three syllable word.
Johnny starts waving his arms frantically and the teacher says, " yes Johnny?"
"Contageous" says Johnny.
"Thats very good Johnny but do you know what that means?"
Yes...my dad and I were watching from the livingroom window while mom shovelled snow and my dad said, "at this rate, it will take the cunt ages."
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.""Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.
And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said."
