INDEX

Brave Pioneers.

I wonder who was the first guy to say "You see that round white thing that came out of that chicken's ass? I'm gonna crack it open and eat it." Or the first to say "Look, if you squeeze this part of a cow a squirt of white liquid comes out... I wonder what it tastes like?" Whoever he was I sure hope he could tell the difference between a cow and a bull. I wonder also why no one ever said "Hey, look at this dolphin we caught in the tuna net. Wow, look at the meat on that tail!"
 

"I'll Have the Filet de Poland Spring."

Why do advertisers describe bottled water as "delicious"? It's water for Christ's sake. It's not supposed to taste anything! When I'm in the mood to treat my tastebuds I'll have some sushi! Perrier, as delightfully fancy as it sounds has never, in my book, qualified and an entrée. If you're going to drink something for the taste, for God's sake try some fruit juice!
 

Anal Dolor

D'ya wanna know who are a pain in the ass to cook for? Vegans (because everything has some connection to animals; besides if God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of meat!), Ken Coppola (A guy I live with who is excruciatingly picky), and Jews keeping kosher for Passover. Did you know that a tortilla is not kosher! Is that really the word of God? Or is it anti-NAFTA proponents still trying to get their way? I would have thought anything flatter than matzo wins by default.

The Chain Of Mediocrity.

Why is the "Macarena" so popular? Am I the only one who realizes that it's dumb? How could so many people in so many places and so many occasions stand around enthralled by this idiotic, simplistic hand waving ritual? I'll tell you why. Because it requires no skill and minimal coordination; yet the music has a Latin flavor, so even ultra-whiteboys all over can share in the delusion that they can dance a Latino rhythm.
 

Oxymorons

Have you ever been disturbed by the phrase "The risk of certain death"? I have.To me risk and certainty tend to be mutually exclusive. I am compiling a list of these... "Autooxymorons"—to coin a term—because... well because I can!