A giraffe landed suddenly on the bare plains of an Eccles council estate. The giraffe, who was startled for a brief moment, sneezed then carried on eating somebodys rhodedendrum. The somebody came outside and shouted obsenities at the giraffe, who returned it with a look of total contempt before walking away towards the high street.
The weird world of today
with extracts from a frozen pizza factory
Chapter 1 - Attack of the blue scraggy thing from outer space
The blue scraggy thing ate his cereal and looked up. Outside against the silver metallic landscape lay a team of archeaologist greenfly. Unknown to the blue scraggy thing they were singing ring-a-ring-a-roses in rememberance of the great dragonfly of 202021 Amo Dominoes, who were believed to be the deadliest of dominoes around at that time. The blue scraggy thing was the emperor of this lonely platinum planet and was extremely surprised and shocked to see the holy ceremony which had been outlawed since 305967 when everybody on the planet had died. Since that time the greenfly had carried on running all important industries. The blue scraggy thing was neither a greenfly nor an insectoid, rumours had it that he had evolved from a particularly clever bit of mould that had managed to survive inside a coffee cup during the nuclear holocaust, but nobody mentioned this in fear of their lives. The blue scraggy thing prided himself on having no discrimination whatsoever. He despised everything and everyone regardless of who they were.
But today he had even managed a slight muscle twitch that may have resembled a smile if you squinted. Today was the day that he was going to put his plan into action. Today he was going to rid the planet of all greenfly, with his newest invention. So clutching a plank of wood he sat down in his time machine and said "Whoop" as he sat in his lunch. "Eurgh" replied the lunch.
He pressed a button and the time machine went "hee, hee, hee" as it disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. In it's place stood a very confused car salesman. "hello" said the door to the car salesman, "I am a door. I open and I close."
"Yes." Said the car salesman, "I suppose you do."
"I can also creak if you'd prefer."
"No that's alright. I'm just a lowly penguin." Said the car salesman as he shot himself in the head.
The door groaned. "Not again." It said.
The time machine landed in trafalgar square on top of a metal lion. The door flew open. "Ahha!" Said the blue scraggy thing.
The time machine overbalanced and fell onto the floor. "Ow." said the blue scraggy thing.
A man in a top hat and a moustache looked at the evolved piece of mould lying flat on the floor.
"Ow." said the blue scraggy thing again for dramatic emphasis.
The man in the top hat and moustache sneezed.
"Oh. You have a cold."Said the blue scraggy thing. "Show me the greenfly parliament and I will cure your cold."
"Right." said the man in the top hat and moustache and ate the blue scraggy thing. Later that day the man in the top hat and moustache was recaptured by a London asylum. In later years he went on to invent penicillin.
Chapter 2 - The greenfly parliament
Emperor Greenfly 10 000 000th was a very lenient emperor on the Platinum planet. She made legal everything that Emperor Blue Scraggy Thing had outlawed. Now the greenfly people had freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press. But hell, if anyone even suggested that maybe capitalism was the cause of extreme poverty in parts of the globe they would have their tongues cut off before being hung drawn and quartered.
Footnote: This last chapter has absolutely no relevance to the rest of this story, it is just there to parallel the stupidity of American (and many other countries) society.
Chapter 3 - Break-in at the frozen pizza factory
0200 hours dot dot dot, all is quiet, all is still.
0400 hours dot dot dot, this is really not brill.
"No, no no no!" The security guard yelled at the notepad. He was trying his hand at poetry and failing miserably. He had made a choice several months ago to go to evening classes once a week. He had stupidily chosen English, he had gotten the idea into his head after watching a cartoon version of a Shakespeare play. "I could write something like that, no problem." He had told his wife. "Oh yes? I'd like to see you try." His wife had replied. From that moment on the challenge had stayed fresh in his mind, he had enrolled in evening classes with the idealistic notion that after a few lessons he would become a great writer. Now three months on he was struggling to write a simple ryhme. He shouldn't have left his homework till the last day. Hadn't secondary school taught him anything??? Well, obviously not, that's why he failed all his exams and was now a security guard trying to make 'still' and 'brill' be a perfectly acceptable rhyme.
He looked up from his little guard box outside the frozen pizza factory and watched as four masked cats jumped over the barbed wire fence and metamorphasized into gorillas. "Aw, isn't that cute." He thought and went back to writing his poetry.
"Psst." Said one gorrilla.
"What?" Said another.
"Is this it?"
"Yes it must be." Said one of the gorrillas at the back. "The map says it's here."
"But there's a frozen pizza factory on top of it."
"Well?"
"What do you mean, "Well?" how do we get down there?"
"You never heard of a spade?"
"No." Said the remaining gorrilla. "Do you wear it?"
"Why did he have to come along?"
"I've told you before, he's the only survivor. He's the only one who knows the code."
"So why couldn't we just bring his brain and access the code from there?"
"That would be inhumane."
"Don't speak to me about inhumane, you didn't have to sit next to him on the train journey up here."
"Oh quit complaining."
"Don't tell me to quit complaining. Do you know how many games of eye-spy we played?"
"Shhh. Be quiet, pipe down. There's a security guard over there."
"I'll tell you shall I? One."
"One?"
"Yes one. One that lasted three hours. I hadn't realised there were that many words that began with 'S'. I mean 'seat', he couldn't even guess 'seat'. We had sausage, secret hideout, seven igloos, small bald man on the table next to us, smashed coffee, which of course he had to demonstrate, severed head.....mmmhy hhff hjmmmm!!!!"
"Was it really nessasary to gag him?"
"That security guard's giving us funny looks."
"You'd think he'd never seen four masked gorillas trying to break into a frozen pizza factory wouldn't you?"
"Maybe he hasn't, it's a very sheltered planet this you know."
The security guard may have been a bit slow but he had realised that something was wrong with the situations. He wrote down on his notepad. 0220, four cats jump the fence, they then turn into gorillas and hence, ... he suddenly realised what he had just wrote ryhmed. He suddenly lost interest in the situation outside and concentrated on going through the alphabet to find something to rhyme with hence and fence. "Bents, cents, dents, e-ents.." he murmured to himself.
The four gorillas after sorting out their differences broke into the frozen pizza factory, one of the gorillas went up to the security alarm and disabled it. After closing the door, and reprogramming the security camera with a looping video, all four gorillas metamorphosized back into four ordinary aliens. They walked through the frozen pizza factory lost and confused.
"What are we looking for?"
"I don't know keep looking."
"There's nothing here! No secret door! No alien headquarters! It's just a bleeping frozen pizza factory."
"Oh ye of little faith."
"Yes I know that's because I'm realistic. You know what they've done don't you? They just wanted us out of the way."
"Why? That would make no sense."
"I don't know so they can invade the Archimedes Section, so they can blow up the mountains of Yapmandoo to get the gold, so they can dress up as chickens and have a fancy dress party, I don't know!!"
"Don't be so paranoid, we have to find the secret relic of the fifth tribe of the Sunking so that the holy ghosts can be realised and restore peace to the universe."
"That sounds so daft. I can't believe I was roped in. I mean I should have got suspiscious when they gave us that map that's drawn in red crayon. But no I believed your endless faith. I am soo stupid."
Hang on a second, thought the security guard, breaking into the frozen pizza factory, that rings a bell. He thought back to his days of training, what was it exactly that the trainer said? "Blah blah blahblah blah blahblahblah, right?" "Yes sarge."
Damn. No, concentrate! "Blah, blah, important thing is, if someone is breaking in, you ring the police, right?" "Yes sarge"
That was it, breaking in. Ahhh, that's what he should do. He stared at the phone, now, what was the number again?
Chapter 4 - a wife less ordinary
"Honey."
"Oh hello dear, why have you woken me up at 3 in the morning? Would you like me to poison your breakfast?"
"I have a problem."
"Oh what now? Can't open your sandwiches? Your pen run out again?"
"No, there's a break in in progress."
"What? Why are you phoning me?! Why don't you phone the police?"
"That's the problem. I can't remember the number."
" "
"Are you still there love?"
"You can't remember the number??? Why am I married to you again? Eurgh, now write this down, do you have a pen?"
"Yes."
"And a bit of paper?"
"Yes."
"Now the number is 9."
"Right."
"Then another 9."
"Gotcha."
"Then finally, a 9."
"Okay dokay. Ta very much, you're a life saver."
"Goodbye, I'm going to go and hang myself."
"That's nice. Bye."
Chapter 5 - Continued break-in at the frozen pizza factory
"Right, so we're all decided that if there is nothing behind this door then we're going home?"
"Yes."
"Alright."
"What?"
JaU^ the alien opened the door, he didn't even bother looking, he knew already what was behind there. It would be the same that had been behind the last twenty doors. A desk and a couple of shelves. In one of the rooms was a blue waste paper bin, but that had been the highlight.
"Okay lets go home."
"Wait JaU^. It's not a desk."
"What is it then G@h? Is it your holy relic? I don't think so."
"It's a swirly thing."
"What?" JaU^ looked inside the room, it was true, there was indeed a swirly thing.
"It's soo beautiful!" Laalaa walked towards it. (Laalaa wasn't actually his name, he was just such a teletubbies fan that he had changed his name by deed poll)
"No. Laalaa! Don't go near it! Stay away!" Laalaa walked into the swirly mist and vanished.
"Ohno. Come on, we've got to follow him." The other three aliens also vanished.
"They're in that room! They're in that room!" The security guard danced enthusiastically infront of the room where the swirly thing had been.
"Alright sir. Stand back." The police smashed the door down and dropped to the floor, expecting a shower of bullets.
None came.
They looked up. Inside the room was a desk, a couple of shelves and nothing more. The detective Sergeant got up, dusted himself down then turned to address the security guard, who was looking extremely puzzled.
"There doesn't appear to be anyone in there."He said.
Puzzled the security guard walked around the room. "But they must be, I saw them go in."
"Then how do you explain their sudden disppearance, hmmm?"
"Maybe they metamorphised into the desk."
"You what? Erm, what exactly did these burgarlers look like then?"
"Well I couldn't see them clearly."
"Just a general overview if you don't mind."
"Well, they all had masks over their faces but at first glance they looked like, I think they were tabbies."
"What? Cats? You called us over here because you saw some CATS?!"
"Well, obviously not. I said at first glance."
"What did they look like at second glance then?"
"Gorillas."
"Could you repeat that? I thought then that you said gorillas."
"I did."
"Gorillas?"
"Yes. Before they metamorphisised."
"Dare I ask into what?"
"Aliens."
"Sir, you do realise it is an offense to waste police time."
"I'm not, it happened."
"Don't make matters worse for yourself by keep on insisting it happened."
"But it did!"
"No, it didn't. Shall I tell you what I think happened? I think that you got bored sitting in your little box all night so you made up a wildly ridiculous story and decided to waste police time. Now I'm not going to charge you as you are obviously a very sad individual but do not try any little stunts like this again."
"But ...... but......." Stammered the security guard as the police walked off, he walked round the room once again checking all the walls to make sure they were solid. After half an hour he gave up, locked the factory door and went back to trying to think up rhyming words.
Chapter 6 - The place of who knows where
The three aliens stepped through the swirly thing into a strange room with horrible green and brown 70s decor.
"That's funny, this room isn't on the map." Said G@h.
"Maybe they didn't have a green and brown crayon when they scribbled it down."Replied JaU^.
"They probably didn't know about it. To tell you the truth I don't think we're still in the frozen pizza factory." Said P#j~, the third alien who had honestly just come along for a laugh.
"Hang on where's Laalaa?"
"That idiot? Who cares? If he's got himself lost it's his own fault."
"To tell you the truth even further, I don't think we're still on Earth."
"Why'd you say that?"
"With this decor? Give them some credit."
Suddenly a lot of cold smoke filled the room making them shiver. Laalaa emerged from the smoke, "I found another thing!"
"Really what is it?"
"It's a .... thing!!"
The smoke cleared to show a eight foot metallic box, lighted with a luminous yellow backdrop.
"What is that?"Asked JaU^
"It's a thing!!" Replied Laalaa.
"It's the holy relic!!" Replied G@h
"I think it's a very crude and early time travell machine." Replied P#j~
The other three stared at P#j~.
"I had to do a project on them once."
"A project?"
"Y'know at school?"
"School? Oh yeah I remember that. We didn't do projects, we did spitting competitions. I was the champion for three years running." Boasted JaU^
"It's not a holy relic then?"
"NO!"
"Well, c'mon then let's have a go at this ... very crude and .....?"
"....early time travell machine."
"That's the one."
"I'm really not sure we should be doing this. I mean what if it's old and decrepid?"Asked P#j~
"What if? We wont know till we try." JaU^ started pressing a load of buttons. Suddenly the time travell machine started to shake. "Uh, P#j~, it's doing something."
"Yeah, I gathered that."
The time machine vanished in a puff of smoke leaving in it's place a small mulberry bush.
Chapter 7 - The blue scraggy thing returns
"It's D you idiot! Say D! No not C! Do you think it could vaguely be C? Do you really think C could be the answer?! You're stupid! How on Earth did you get through? You, no don't go with C, it's so obviously D. No take the money if you're not sure! It's D, listen to me, say D!! No, no ..... oh, it was C, oh, well, I knew that." The blue scraggy thing was sat watching a rerun of Who wants to be a Millionaire?, a programme with the beings who used to be on the planet before they all died. Suddenly the mulberry bush in the corner of the room disappeared and was replaced by a time machine. Three aliens poured out of the eight foot metallic box, they were arguing.
"Why did you press that button?!"
"I thought it would do something."
"It did that's the problem!"
"So where are we?"
"I don't know! You pressed the buttons! Which buttons did you press?"
"I can't remember."
"You idiot."
Meanwhile a fourth alien appeared out of the time machine, it gave the blue scraggy thing a strange look. The blue scraggy thing was uneased by this, especially so when it licked its lips.
Laalaa ate the blue scraggy thing.
Footnote: This chapter never existed. If it had it would have caused a paradox which is a result of theoretical time travell. As it was the blue scraggy thing that invented the time machine in the first place and it was the blue scraggy thing that took the machine to Earth, it was there that the blue scraggy thing got eaten whereonce penicillin was invented hence preventing numerous diseases and becoming a basis for modern medicine. As the four aliens had gone back to a time before the time machine had been invented this would have been disasterous for the laws of physics. As it is, penicillin was invented, hence this chapter never existed.
Chapter 7 - The mulberry bush saga
The scene, a council estate in Eccles, a garden. A place where very little happens. Suddenly from nowhere the small mulberry bush in the corner of the garden, which was withering from lack of sunlight, disappeared. Replacing it was an eight foot metallic box.
Mrs Miggins was an elderly lady, used to a very average life. She didn't mind the quiet drole of getting up, eating and watching horse racing on the telly. What she did mind was eight foot metal boxes appearing willy-nilly in her garden. Especially the part of the garden which contained three dead cats, eight goldfish, two gerbils, and unknown to everybody else, her husband. And if she was to stop eight foot metal boxes appearing willy-nilly in her garden from becoming a regular occurance she would have to go out and give it a good talking to.
"'Ey, you metal box. What do you think you are doing? This is my garden, get out. Or I'll call the council and next year they'll remove you. I'm warning you."
Suddenly the metal box opened and four aliens emerged, they appeared to be arguing, they stopped when they noticed Mrs Miggins.
"Who're you?" Asked one of them.
"I live here. Go away."
"Alright fine."
The four aliens got back in the box. Mrs Miggins walked away satisfied with the days work. She hurried back inside as there was a programme on about the types of hat that the Queen wears.
"Press a button then."
"Which one?"
"I don't know, you got us here, you get us back."
"Erm, I'll try." JaU^ pressed a load of buttons, the time machine started shaking. There was a puff of smoke and the time machine vanished leaving behind a giraffe.
Chapter 8 -The End
"This is Africa." Said P#j~
"I'll try again shall I?" Said JaU^
"Yes."
After a few hundred atempts, they eventually arrived back on their own planet and at more or less their own time.
"Right lets see what the governors are up to that they had to send us on such a ridiculous mission."
Even G@h who had her heart set on finding the holy relic had eventually given in to the idea that the governors were up to something.
The four aliens creeped along the corridor, then they heard a noise coming from the end of the row. There was a light and a loud noise coming out from the double doors.
"Right after three, we rush them."
"One."
"Two."
"Four."
"What?"
"Do we have to rush them? I mean couldn't we just ..."
"Three!"
"Arrrrggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"
In the room were a hundred or so governors dressed as chickens. They were apparently having a fancy dress party.
"Aw, you spoilt the surprise!" One of them said.
"Huh?" Said the four aliens.
Footnote: No giraffes, aliens or mulberry bushes were harmed in the making of the story. The car salesman did actually shoot himself in the head, but it's alright because the bullet didn't hit anything.