We demand rididly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty.
Douglas Adams
Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with something you didn't have a good answer to.
Douglas Adams
Human beings, who almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experiences of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
Just because you're not paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Douglas Adams
The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
N. Altito
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Roger C. Anderson
All is meaningless and void. . . are we dead or are we in Ohio?
Yakko - "Animaniacs" (Hey, I live here :-)
We're not here to lose our sense of humor.
Ritchie Berlin
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler
Research tells us that 14 out of every 10 individuals like chocolate.
Sandra Boynton
One couldn't help one's thoughts. One could help one's mouth and saying something really stupid.
Lois McMaster Bujold
If it is bright and sunny after two rainy days, it is probably Monday.
H. B. Brown
If a turtle loses it's shell, is it homeless?
George Carlin
Strangely, it was comforting to me to know that squirrels forget where they hide about half their nuts.
Ruth Casey
Warning: objects in calendar are closer than they appear.
M. Clew
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e. e. cummings
Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most amusing.
Data (TNG)
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Marsha Doble
From here to there, and there to here,
Funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss
I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a neccessary ingredient in living, its looking at life though the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss
Whoever sets himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
Einstein
A compromise is the art of dividing a cake so that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.
Ludwig Erhard
Only those who attempt the absurd. . . will achieve the impossible. I think. . . I think it's in my basement. . . let me go upstairs and check.
M. C. Escher
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Dennis Fakes
About mistakes it's funny. You get to make your own, and not only that, it you try to keep from making thiers they get mad.
Edna Feiler
Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #76
Vampire, mortal, doesn't matter, all men are pigs.
from "Forever Knight"
If we could see ourselves as others see us, it would probably confirm our opinion of them.
Robert B. Fleming
What would happen in a battle between Enterprise security, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
Tom Galloway
Some people exist just to annoy me.
Garfield
The intelligent man finds almost everything rediculous, the sensible man, hardly anything.
Goethe
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable.
Goethe
If Columbus had had an advisory committee, he would probably still be at the dock.
Justice Arthur Goldberg
A zebra cannot change its spots.
Al Gore
It's easy to identify the people who can't count to 10. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
M. Grundler
Committee - a group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unneccessary.
S. Harrol
Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got to not to forget to laugh.
K. Hepburn
Slipping into madness is good for the sake of comparison.
Jenny Holzer.
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be. . .Ooo! Donuts!
Homer (Simpsons)
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Voctor Hugo
Humor is an antidote to isolation.
Elizabeth Janeway
There's nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. . . People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
Elton John
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
Mobile Phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
Neil Kinnock
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Henry Kissenger
Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Nikita Krushev
You can never stay mad at people who make you laugh.
Jay Leno
If there were an invisible cat in that chair, the chair would look empty; But the chair does look empty, therefore there is an invisible cat in it.
C. S. Lewis
God save us from those who go around saving souls.
You're the ones who are lost to begin with.
Jack MacNeill
My sense of balance depends on my sense of humor.
Joan Malbera-Foran
Logic is a systematic mothod of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Manley
Toe - a part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
Rilla Mary
We're women. We have double standards to live up to.
Ally McBeal
I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
R. McClosky
An expert is someone is somebody who is more than 50 miles away from home, has no responsibility in implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides.
E. Meese
Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat? "I've got the psychologist so well trained that every time I ring the bell he brings me something to eat."
David Mercer
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, its not all mixed-up.
A. A. Milne
When the going gets tough, you are obviously in the wrong place.
Miss Piggy
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation, but would like to keep in touch.
Robert Orben
If at first you don't succeed, well so much for skydiving.
V. O'Reilly
I will not take myself so seriously. I will let laughter heal.
Jan Pishok
Laughter, like a drenching rain, settles the dust, cleans and brightens the world around us.
jan Pishok
I don't like all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!
Monty Python
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
Mitch Ratcliffe
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm form the government, and I'm here to help."
Ronald Reagan
Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it.
Jules Renard
Politicians are those who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy more tunnel.
J. Quinton
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
Franciose Sagan
People who live in glass houses should always wear clothes.
Marge Simpson
The trouble with mornings it that they come when you're not awake.
Rex Stout
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations if you live near him.
Tolkien
No matter how cynical you are, it is impossible to keep up.
Lily Tomlin
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our invitations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Mark Twain
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces - and then eat just one of the pieces.
Judith Viorst
Now this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire - on his death bed, responding to a preist asking him to renounce Satan
Laughter is the brush which sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
Mort Walker
Have you been swinging from powerlines?!
Will "Will & Grace"
. . . doing what men do normally . . . bonding . . . endlessly congratulating each other . . . and wandering around in small groups looking for something to break . . .
Robin Williams
A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.
Walter Winchell
How long does getting thin take?
Winnie the Pooh
Sir, I protest! I am not a merry man.
Worf (TNG)
668: the neighbor of the beast.
Aging is mandatory, maturity is optional.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
Clones are people two.
Diamonds are a girls best friend. A dog is man's best friend. Who's smarter?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are krunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his hi-fi at 2 o'clock in the morning. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
A drug is a substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.
I am not suffering form insanity! I happen to be enjoying myself!
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
If thine enemy offend thee - give his child a drum.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
If ignorance is bliss where are all the blissful people?
It is possible for your mind to be so open your brain falls out.
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not annoying.
Keep stress out of your lives - give it to others instead.
Laughter is the spark of the soul.
A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men.
Memory - the thing I forget with.
Memory is a crazy woman who hoards colored rags and throws away food.
My mind wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Never be afraid of trying something new. Remember, amateurs built the arc. Professionals built the Titanic.
On the sixth day, God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Sign in cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in cafeteria. Socks I guess can eat any place they want.
Social tact is making your company feel at home, even thought you wish they were.
Some lead, others follow, I'm lost.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to find they're not it.
You live on the edge. I fell off some time ago.
If ignorance is bliss, this leson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my constitutional right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic priviledge not to know this material.
Calvin
It's hard to be religious when certaion people are never struck down by bolts of lightning.
Calvin
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Calvin
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate an otherwise boring interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
Calvin
Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principals I beleive in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Calvin
Santa's gonna skip this block for years.
Calvin
Talking wth you is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.
Calvin
That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand Euphoria!
Calvin
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
Calvin
Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Calvin
YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
Calvin
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