Disclaimer:Characters owned by Paramount, but operated by me. At least in this story.
This is the companion to "Tortured Soul."
Rated:PG-13
By Orion
November 1998
It's been three whole days since I've last seen her. Only three, but it feels like an eternity. I'm always anxious to be back by her side after we've been apart. It just feels right, like coming home. Or as close to home as one can get out here. From the moment she appeared on my viewscreen I knew she was destined to be a part of my life, though I had no idea at the time just how big a part.
I transported aboard her ship because we needed to find our missing crew members. Sent to hunt me down, how ironic we would find ourselves helping each other. The thought would have made me laugh if I hadn't been preoccupied with her eyes. They seemed to reach out to me, touching me inside and out as she assessed me, then turned hard as steel as she ordered me to treat her crew members with respect as I would expect the same of her. She was right.
We got our crew members back, and then she made one of the toughest decisions I've ever seen. I can't say what I would have done had I been in her shoes. So I stood by and didn't argue as she destroyed the array, no questions asked. And nothing could have prepared me for what she did next. That feisty scrap of a woman asked us to join her crew. Asked me to be her First Officer of all things! I had half expected to remain under lock and key in the cargo bay with the rest of my crew.
My burgeoning respect for her grew as I realized what a huge risk that had been for her to take. I accepted the position for myself and my crew. After a few initial unfortunate incidents things calmed down and our two separate crews slowly became one.
We soon settled into a routine as I took my place beside her on the Bridge everyday. We quickly became friends and I couldn't help admiring her for her stamina as a captain, especially in our particular situation. She always had a ready smile for me, but sometimes I'd see a pained look in her eyes which would vanish as quickly as it had appeared. I knew she had a fiancé on Earth and thought perhaps at those moments she was thinking of him. I felt I should tell her everything would be fine, that she would get back to him. But I couldn't because the closer we became, the more I wanted to make her forget him.
I felt guilty for those thoughts, and tried to push them away. Soon, however, I no longer saw the pain in her eyes, but flashes of something else instead. Something which would have been mirrored in my own eyes had I allowed it. I wasn't sure she knew what I was feeling for her was more than a first officer should feel for his captain. My past relationship with Seska began to seem so empty compared to how I felt about her. I hoped she wouldn't guess my feelings and become uncomfortable, and I tried my best to hold them inside.
As we approached the two year mark on our journey we found ourselves necessarily abandoned on New Earth together. Forced to remain on the planet by the virus infecting us. We had all the supplies we needed, but I took advantage of the natural resources surrounding us and began to make a few extras. Even going so far as to make her the bathtub she longed for. The look in her eyes when she saw it would have been enough to carry me through the remainder of my days, she seemed so overjoyed. And that's why I had done it. To make her happy.
But she was so determined to find a cure for us, working on it day and night. She felt I was giving up, and said as much. I knew this was hard on her. Hell, it was hard on me too, so I did what I could to make her more comfortable. The only thing was, we seemed to grow more uncomfortable with each passing day. I had my suspicions she was feeling the same thing as I. A powerfully growing attraction for one another.
I cursed the plasma storm for putting that defeated look in her eyes. How I wanted to take that look and replace it with something pleasant. But the next night, it was replaced. By desire, or so I thought. When I gave her the back rub, I swear I felt her tremble. And when she turned to look at me I saw the glint in her eyes before she ran, only to come back later with a set of rules.
I interrupted her and told her a parable of the way I felt about her, finally letting her know if she hadn't already. We came to an understanding and I resolved to wait until she was ready to come to me. But that was not meant to be, as the message from Voyager came a few weeks later. Disappointment was written on her face, and most likely on mine as well, but I remained silent.
We packed up our gear and were beamed on board, instantly becoming the "command team" once again. There she sat, poised, professional, ever the "Captain," and I knew I would never be able to reach her.
And that is the way it has to be. It needs to be. Doesn't it? At times I'm not so sure, like when I glance over at her on the Bridge and see her watching me. I catch a glimpse of that desire I saw so briefly on New Earth and wonder what she's thinking. Vowing to follow the unspoken rules we have set, I've tried to push all thoughts of wanting her from my head. And I don't simply "want" her. I need her, like the air breathe. Sometimes unbidden images of her lying in my arms float through my mind, burning themselves into my brain as my attempts to banish them fail.
Our time together since New Earth has served to bring us closer than ever, and I don't want to jeopardize that by pressing for things I know cannot be. I can't help but admire her for retaining her "true grit" after all she's been through. All we've been through. She's got guts, that's for sure. And sometimes she pushes it to the limit. I tell her when I think she's risking too much but that doesn't say she'll heed my advice, especially if she feels she's right. She's stubborn to the core, yet at the same time a new discovery will have her eyes lighting up like a kid's at Christmas. I wish she'd open up to me more. Not about work, about her. I'd listen to anything she'd have to say. She makes me laugh. Makes me think. But most importantly, she makes me feel whole.
There is never a moment when she's not on my mind, or at least far from the surface. So many of the good times in my life have been with her. Hell, I'm hard pressed to remember any good times without her. She's stolen my heart and will possess it forever. And as I wake each morning I can't help wondering if today will be the day we stop ignoring our feelings for one another.
As the doors to the lift open I step out onto the Bridge. "Good morning, Captain," I say to her as I take my seat.
"Good morning, Commander. It's good to have you back."
"It's good to be back," I answer truthfully, smiling at her.
Her eyes seem to glow as she smiles back at me, but the look is quickly masked. "Let's hear about your away mission, Commander," she says, and I know it won't be today.
THE END