"What if I told you today's special's mystery meat.

"What menu? Oh that. sorry, must've missed it.

"A life? Nah, don't worry, I take plenty of those.

"You don't think I'm very funny, do you.

"Yea. Haha."

"What if I told you mystery meat's really dog chow.

"Yes I know that's horsemeat, no I'm not trying to be funny, yes I know they sold your nag for glue and stuff last week, sorry I have no idea how I achieve insensitivity and yes I'm aware I'm not paticularly popular with you right now so I'll just take off and see if I can't find a horseshoe or two in my lunch.

"No, put that chair down. You don't REALLY want to throw it, you might hurt someone."

"What if I told you Zoe hates your guts.

"Yea, Zoe the snob with the golden tan and gorgeous legs who's been your best friend since you guys were un playpens.

"She hates you, trust me. The perfect best-friend thinks you're a perfect loser.

"No, I don't expect you to fall out with her and suddenly become MY best friend. Get real.

"You're welcome.

"Whatever."

"What if I told you shakespeare stole my lines.

"I swear. He was just another drunk bloke 'til he heard me at the Free Speech corner in the local Inn.

"They do too have Free Speech corners in the 1500s. I invented them.

"I didn't expect you to throw that book.

"I mean, pencil case maybe, 'Hamlet' definately. Bt I thought Zoe loaned you this one.

"Now you see why you're not quite her best friend.

"Glaring at me won't help."

"What if I told you I really like you.

"Why not? You're smart and pretty and all, like, the perfect person to spend the rest of eternity with.

"Somehow I thought you'd be more excited.

"I AM the History genius, after all.

"Oh. Forget it."

"What if I told you Jonathan is gay.

"Yes way. You're just a front, he's really in love with your brother. They've got an on-going thing, you know.

"Heh. you wouldn't be staring daggers if you did.

"Chill. I'm not iterested in him. I mean, I prefer my chicks blonde, curvy and unmanned, thanks.

"Uh-uh. nobody's paying me to break you guys up.

"I like you, but I'm not trying to cause misunderstanding between you. Uh-uh. Wouldn't dare.

"If you decide to dump him just remember poor ol' lovesick me.

"Sorry, I know my way around here too well."

"What if I told you your parents are getting a divorce.

"Sure. like, gimme one good reason to do that. what do i get from your family breaking up?

"I haven't a family to have funny relationships with yours. They died 1343. Some plague or something.

"Of course you're not. It's not supposed to be.

"Get real.

"Oh, you'd pick up a lot too if you flapped around all night.

"No, you don't have to take any of this crap from me. Fine, walk away.

"You could go check it out if you want.

"I'll be right here if you need me.

"We'll see."

"What if I told you I don't.

"I don't. Never had anything to do with any of this stuff happening to you.

"You come storming in in the middle of the night yelling your head off. Doesn't take a genius to see something's wrong.

"I was right, wasn't I. See. Told you so. here, want a tissue? Nono, don't hold back. Cry it all out. That's right. There there. Another tissue? Don't mention.

"What if I told you I'm sorry I called your pony a nag.

"Yea, calling Zoe a snob too.

"And Jonathan, for all it was true.

"And your parents.

"Look, don't push it.

"It's okay, you had a tough night.

"What if I told you there was a way.

"To get rid of all these problems and let you start over. Perfectly fool-proof.

"What if i told you I'm a Vampyre.

"Vampyre. With the 'y'. It's classier.

"I swear. King of the Night. And I want you for my Queen.

"Please don't laugh. i'm dead serious, no pun intended.

"Well, first I'm gonna hafta feed off you. Then I'm gonna do the Ritual, sorry, can't tell you how it's done 'til you're a vampyre too. Anyway, after that we can be together for as long as you want.

"Uh, no. You saw how I romp around all day. Gotta watch out for fire, though. And sharp wooden stakes, but you know that, don't you. Otherwise, we're pretty much all-powerful.

"yea, fly by night slip through cracks, eternal life, that kindda stuff.

"Uh-huh. So?

"So do you want to be a vampyre.

"Cool.

"Just hold still. This may hurt a little."

"You know all the stuff I said about wanting to make you a vampyre?

"About really digging you and wanting to spend eternity with you?

"What if I told you I lied."

More will come as and when there's time.
If you've tolerated me for this long,
you can bear with me awhile longer.