Why does everyone always ask about awakenings? Probably because it’s the defining moment in a Mage's existence. It’s the point at which you stop being what you were, and become what you now are. It is rare in our existence to note with any clarity a moment at which that existence takes on a new form. So when there’s a handy reference point, why not talk about it.
Everyone changes having awakened, the power to affect what is, is just too strong not to begin to mold you. To change you. I should know. My life took a serious change after my awakening. To that point I had been a dutiful daughter, and to my mother that meant a daughter that did as she was told. My mother is a good woman, don’t get me wrong. She expected me to do as told, because that is what she thought would protect me. She was controlling because she loved me, and that was the only way she could express it.
She had a lot of help though. My family consisted of her, me, and my brother. (Who is quite a bit like her, but then she didn’t need to "protect" him, just me, the baby, the girl.) And this family that she was the head of was religious, because she was. (Would I know the quote from Joshua were it not? "As for me and my family, we will serve [God]." The fact that I can’t tell you where in the bible it is written that Joshua said this, should let you know how much I struggled with her faith. And with my own.) But such a path, it now appears, did not lay for this mother’s daughter.
My mother’s religion gives her succor, and freedom from fear. Religion was a place of safety for her, there right and wrong were clearly defined. Her lack of fear comes from her faith. I was never strong on faith. I do not begrudge her this comfort. In fact I envy her for it. Her world is one of blacks and whites. Good and Evil. Her daughter sees in shades of grey. We did not dwell well together, her and I.
She didn’t approve of many of the people who I found exciting and desired to spend time with. Her excuse was that they were not of my religion. ( There’s a part of me that just thinks that she liked to control who I was with. I never felt comfortable with who she choose to be my friends. I could never be sure that they *were* my friends.) How many times did I hear that, "Bad associations…spoil useful habits." That one belongs to the Apostle Paul. And one would think that as many times as I heard her say that, I would remember where it’s from. But I can’t, it’s been a long time since I was required to know.
Regardless, I digress. I had gotten away from my mother, my family, and my mother’s chosen friends for the day. I didn’t know, then how I had managed it. I don’t know now, either. Some of my own friends had taken me for a get away, that day, to a Renaissance Faire.
I thought that it was going to be a diverting day. I didn't know, at the time, how diverting it would prove to be….
The whole day still has a very unreal quality about it in my mind. The smells and sounds are sharp in my memory. The heat of the day. The green of emerald leaves with the golden sun pouring through them like honey. It's bright light so hot, you could feel chill when walking into a shadow. The myriad voices, cajoling, inciting, laughing and making merry. The press of bodies when rounding a particularly crowded corner. The crowd having stopped to observe a man with a truly gigantic pickle, taunting and teasing some comely dressed wenches. The sound of their banter as they wielded insults and bawdries like blades with the gathering crowd to keep count of the marks inflicted. The harpist, staring off into a world of her own , as her fingers caressed a haunting melody out of the strings. The dulcimer and bodhran stirring the blood as much as the sight of two lovers passionately kissing against a near by tree. The cries of an ale stand wench, celebrating a good tip.
The dust and dirt beneath my feet, a physical presence in the celebration of life surrounding me. (To say nothing of infiltrating my sinuses.) The smells of food cooking, of meats seared over an open flame, and of bread, warm and fresh. The scent of teas and harsh coffees of the east, wafting on the breeze to mingle with the rich smoke that billows from the incense makers huts. The jingle of the bells, never still in the sighing air, or wrapped to the swinging hips and waists, and limbs of the belly dancers. The cries of voices, and songs sung to amuse. It is a easy world to loose yourself in.
I did so, gladly, throwing all caution to the wind, and becoming, for a time, a young woman with no cares save how to find a bit of excitement. Be it in someone else's activities or, more hopefully, with some activities of my own.
I had escaped from the realm of my usual actions, and was free to be who I was, without the normal judgment calls that restrained my more outrageous inclinations. I was not controlled and, for the first time in my life, was not worried to do or say some inappropriate thing. I was not distressed that my actions would be judged nor held against me. I left behind my daily world, where caution and control were my safeguards and shields. Where one wrong step, one wrong action or thought, could condemn me, and prove me to be a person of less worth in the eyes of those around me. And through theirs, my own.
For one instant I decided to be as I was, and to hell with what anyone around should have found wanting. I was as I was, and learned in the hour of my decision that, what I was could not be denied, not forsaken, nor fought against, and would never again be ignored. I was alive, in the most true sense of my knowing it. And I quickly learned to revel in my existence. Yet, in the back of my mind was the thought that my time was short and that I would soon return to the dull, bleak world I had left. Hemmed in by an overly protective mother, armed with the severely restrictive religious beliefs, with which I had been reared. Again to be restrained by my own oaths and promises, to once again reign in my impulses as was seemly for a young, god-fearing woman.
And so, in one space of a heartbeat, did all the pent up passions and desires of a vivacious (though admittedly naive) young girl of sixteen come to the fore. I did not know that that day would mark the end of the life I knew, and set me on a path different form any I could have possibly foreseen.
It began quite innocuously. I thought that I kept seeing the same faces in the crowd. Which, of it self, is not all that unusual at a Faire, seeing as everyone is going in the same direction, in circles. I thought that it was the common feeling that I develop in large crowds. I can't remember names, but faces are something that I cannot forget. "Seen that face before, Smiled at him earlier."
After a while two faces began to catch my eye. Every time I turned around, I kept seeing the same two faces. Not that I minded. One was a young man in peasant togs. Light colored pants, a billowy poets shirt, laced up the front and a green muffin hat with a couple of feathers. He had dark blue eyes, and a devilish grin. "Definitely smiled at him earlier!" Maybe, I just kept seeing him because I wanted to see that smile again. I could do no more than grin every time he caught me with my eyes on him. His companion attracted less of my amorous notice. He was dressed in the full regalia of a green man. His half mask covered his face from forehead to cheek bones. His clothes were all green. There were leaves and vines wrapped around his body and into his long dark hair.
The first time I noticed them, the green man had brushed across me going the opposite direction in the traders market. I was standing on the edge of a trail, listening to the beat of the nearby drummers. They were alternating between a slow and a fast tempo, my body was swaying to the music. I stood with my back to the path, when a large group passed by behind me. I felt a hand brush across my shoulders, slowly, and startled, I turned to see a dark head with a few green leaves trailing behind it pass into the crowd. I also caught a glance of a certain grin, on which I have remarked previously. I caught occasional glimpses of them for the rest of the day, until I found my self face to face with them.
Some of my companions and I had stopped for some ice cream. My friends were in front of me in a line when I heard a cough and felt a hand slide up my spine and into my hair. I turned so quickly that I tripped on my long skirts. I intended to grab onto the man standing behind me to avoid falling. I didn't have to, by just turning around, I found myself plastered up against the green man. He was only a few inches taller, and my bodice- supported chest was pressed quite snugly against his.
He looked at his companion and said, smiling, "I guess it's just my manly good looks."
I tried to stammer my way out of his arms, "I'm so sorry, good sir!" I said trying to wiggle from his grasp. He had no plans of letting go however and I couldn't shake the grip he had around my waist, nor disentangle his fingers from my hair.
"Don't be, lass," He glanced significantly at my mostly exposed chest. "I'm not." I didn't notice how blue his eyes were, until he trailed his eyes from my breast, looked his view lingering at my neck and finally arrived back up at my face. He looked me directly in the eyes, and I felt, suddenly, that he was looking at my past, my future and deep into my soul. "I'm not at all sorry, my dear girl."
A little timidly, I spoke. I was still trying to shake off the effect of his stare. "Then I should thank you, and I will," I smiled at him, "As soon as you let me go."
He glanced at his companion and loosed his grip. "And how would you thank me?" He said in a low, soft voice. I could see his eyes sparkling behind his mask, his dark midnight eyes.
Still smiling I stepped far enough away so as to free my hair from his grasp, but did not remove my self from his personal space, nor his arm from my waist. I said, wide eyed, and with dramatic exaggeration, "I don't know. Pray, tell me sir, how should I repay thee for shocking me so badly that I had no choice but to throw myself into your arms?" I looked at his friend, the blond and smiled at him, and played dumb, "Have you any ideas, sir?"
He responded to me in a deep voice, which didn’t at first seem to match the carefree clothing and easy smile. A low, rich, heavy voice such as his seemed as if it should be possessed by a more serious man. "I can think of many ways to repay kindness."
"As can I, miss." Said the green man. He looked at his companion, "Perhaps we should request a kiss for our services."
Nodding the other agreed, "Aye, I do think that our assistance should merit a kiss."
" Our assistance? What assistance did you give to me exactly, good sir? Your friend here is the one that kept my balance. I can see that only one kiss would be due in this case." I had caught the eye of one of my friends who was in front of me in line, Robyn. But instead of giving the assistance that my eyes beseeched of her, she only smiled and watched. I guess the sight of her usually reserved friend embroiled in a scene amused her. I was looking for excitement. I guess that I had found it.
The young man smiled at me, playing along with my attempt at delay. "True, Master Alan here did catch you, but I have provided moral support." He proclaimed with a righteous air.
"I’m not sure how moral your support has been. The suggestion of a kiss is, I think highly improper, if not immoral." I looked back to the man who had not yet removed his hand from my side, "I think Master Alan, that your moral crutch may be a weak one." Above the guffaws of some surrounding people who had stopped to watch, I continued, " To say nothing of the fact that in asking for a kiss, you have both unwittingly changed yourselves short. I’m not at all accustomed to kissing, and my moral crutch not being in ill repair, I must admit that I am not at all knowledgeable of such a subject."
The blonde man smiled at me. "Then allow me to be the first to claim my prize of you." He nodded at his friend, "If you please Alan." Alan then let me go, and took a step from my side.
Not sure what to do I panicked and rush out, "But I don’t even know your name."
He quickly took advantage of my comment and took off his hat and knelt on one knee, drawing even more attention to us. My friend still had not said a word, only watched, and hadn’t even bothered to draw the attention of our other companions. I looked down at the man kneeling in front of me. He took my hand and held it in front of him. "Then let me please, rectify that sad state of affairs. My name is Jonathan, and I am pleased to have been of assistance at your time of need." Her then brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. Flattered I smiled at him, and he smiled back. Any embarrassment this little scene might cause me, had just been made up for in full. He wasn’t done though, he turned my hand over and looked up into my eyes, " And since we have now met," He opened my palm and kissed the center of it, giving me goosebumps all up my arm. " I have but to claim my prize." He kissed the inside of my wrist, making me shiver.
I said quietly, " I think that you have had your kiss, Jonathan."
He stood and took me into his arms, "But ‘twas your kiss that I was seeking, so give it to me now, my dear, and we will call it even." I leaned toward him and moved to place a kiss upon his check. Just as I got there he quickly moved his head till my kiss landed directly on his lips. The good sized crowd we had gathered laughed as I jerked, hastily, out of his arms.
"I think, Jonathan that you must be immoral support after all." I shot a narrow glance at Alan. "I suppose you must want your kiss now, too?" He didn’t reply to me at all, just looked straight at me and nodded solemnly. He wound one of his hands into my hair and began to pull me towards him. I glanced at my friend to beg, one more time, for her help. Robyn just smiled at me and turned toward the window to begin placing her order with the rest of my friends. No help there.
His hand cupped the back of my head and slowly turned my eyes back to him. I looked at his mask, and the leaves in his hair, and finally I looked into his eyes. Time seemed to suspend it’s flow around me. I lost track of every thought that had been rushing through my head. The world narrowed all the noise and the people around me were forgotten. Nothing existed in my sight but his eyes. I brought my lips to his, not fighting the subtle pressure of his hand in my hair. Not trying to evade his touch, though not desiring it either. Not feeling anything other than the need to let things happen as they would. Not to deny what was around me, nor the desire to fulfill my curiosity. We moved closer and closer together. I remember every inch as if it were a mile, every second as an hour. Not once in that long journey towards him did I loose sight of his eyes. My thoughts were very few. There was a passing note about curiosity and cats, but it didn’t straighten out enough to make sense. I heard in answer to my own thoughts, "True, but oh what they learned!" At that point I smiled, relaxed, and moved fully into his embrace. I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine.
Where previously there was nothing to take my notice away from his eyes, suddenly there were sensations and emotions all clamoring for my attention. I pressed closer into Alan’s body, as he tilted my head to the side, with the hand that had been in my hair. There was a slight pressure of his fingers on my face and his thumbs on my chin. I acquiesced to the silent request of his thumbs and parted my lips, just a little. But before I had a chance to question the wisdom of this actions I felt like I was falling. I reached out and grabbed hold of the only thing I could feel as solid, my arms wrapped around Alan’s back, to firmly grip his shoulders. I could feel his tongue slide slowly, cautiously into my mouth. Alarmed slightly, I squeezed his shoulders, and felt his hands fall from my face. He wrapped his arms around me and slid his fingers down my back, causing me to flinch away from his hands and closer still to his chest. I could hear no sound except the rushing of my blood, the pound of my pulse. The center of my thoughts was focused on the body that was rubbing so softly against mine.
I felt his tongue running softly on my lips and, gathering my courage, touched my tongue lightly to his. At that touch we both gasped, deeply sucking in the air that we had forgotten to breath. I fought an urge to laugh as I realized that to that point I had been holding my breath. So this is how you breathe when kissing. I thought to myself, smiling onto his lips. I felt his lips smile back, and guessed that I had probably just encouraged him. After that, there were no more thoughts in my mind, only a streaking, pulsing light. I could feel but not think. I did not know one movement from the next, the whole world outside of his arms no longer existed to me. Nothing existed but the feel of the body pressed against mine. As we began to kiss in earnest, I felt the world tilt beneath my feet. Alan’s arms held me pressed up to him as he bent me backward , arching my body until it touched his from chest to thighs, my legs pressed between his in an effort to stay balanced. We were pressed so tightly that I could feel his pulse, matching mine, through his whole body. He had one hand between my shoulder blades , and another between my hips. I could feel them burning through the clothes on my back.
I can’t say how long this went on, as for me it was completely timeless. Nothing intruded on the passion I felt racing through my body. I still don’t know what distracted him, what caused him to pull away from me. Time had lost so much meaning, and I’m sure that I could have continued on like that indefinitely. Nothing had ever felt so good. I can only guess that we had been at it for quite some time, as we had attracted a very respectably sized crowd. Only later would I recognize that it was their cheering I heard as we broke apart, not just my thoughts tumbling back into my head. I stood speechless, a new situation for me entirely.
I looked into his eyes one more time. Then I finally heard the surrounding crowd, still hooting and shouting. I scanned it and found the shocked faces of all of my companions. One of them had a spoon full of forgotten ice cream half way to his mouth, but his jaw must have been somewhere around his knees. Their shock at my behavior, normally so circumspect, was no greater than my own.
I flicked my eyes from my friends to the man who was still holding me up with his arms. My eyes widened as I realized that I had been passionately kissing a man I had barely even met, in full public view. I must have looked very shocked, as Jonathan began to laugh, then Alan, and finally me. I realized that I had fallen back into my old fashion of self-judgment. Suddenly, I accepted that I didn’t care, that what I had done didn’t matter. It was okay. Matter of fact it was great. I had done nothing wrong, and refused to feel as if I had. At that moment I was truly free. My whole body was alight with passion and joy, I was free.
Amidst my delight, I heard my friend question, "What brought that on?" He had obviously gotten his jaw back under control. I locked eyes with Robyn, and left her to explain as I began to helplessly laugh. I could no longer stand still, and so dashed off into the crowd, running, till I came to a grassy hill, and began to spin in circles still laughing, till tears streamed from my eyes.
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