Michael is tumbling through his apartment door, rustling through his junk mail, a Big Mac stuffed in his mouth. He rips the shining red and yellow surprise package and extracts the brochure.

HOLY MEN HAVE GREAT SEX TOO!

That glaring caption holds him stiff for a couple of seconds. He realizes the invitation is real. He closes his apartment door, swallows the remaining morsel of burger in his mouth, steps over pillows and books strewn across his floor, and sits on his stained futon to read the juicy details.

Holy Men Have Great Sex Too! Learn the secrets!

Sex is at once the greatest gift to humanity and her greatest destroyer. Sex and religion are the most challenging facets of successful living. Successfully integrate both joys.

Wise Solomon's sacred secrets are guaranteed to revive your excitement, bring you pleasure, increase your longevity, and ground your faith with a resonant passion. Joys unspeakable will stir you afresh, day, after day, after day.

Until now, most have heard of the eighth secret – the mystery of the feared and dangerous Arc of the Covenant – missing, feared hidden. Now we know that those who benefited from the first seven secrets are immortal. But for the shroud of doubt, bias, fear, and disgust, these seven secrets would long have been revealed – these, the very seven secrets which gave King Solomon unparalleled sexual freedom, wisdom, riches, and power. What we now know challenges outmoded models of understanding. It awakens divine insight.

So join us. Break yourself free from the control of fear.

You can do it. And when you do, this will be your gain. You will realize the truth about these seven gifts. You will discover the ecstasy of the divine. You will explore the deepest level of communication. You will debunk ten myths that stunt personal growth. You will learn Solomon’s Secrets for Guaranteed Great Sex. This is categorically radical. And empowering. The road not traveled. Now is the time to change! Ensure for yourself that which was once marked only for the privileged: comfort, convenience, happiness, well-being. Astound yourself with the Seven Secrets of Solomon! You might well have one of the clues to the seven secrets of Solomon. Find your clue. Come, find the others who have clues and discover the secrets that will change everything for you forever.

Michael belches and reads the brochure again, taking special note of the backside.

The backside is decorated with an RSVP and its registration number, 12HMHGST1, a questionnaire, an unusual question, and an application form, the meeting place, and other stuff that may be related to the clue.

Michael studies the questionnaire.

As he scratches strips of Mac’s grilled chicken from between his incisors and works his way back from his futon to the foyer, he thinks: "God must be answering prayers today." And it seems by the sign of the weather that Michael was right. The azure sky puffs only a few white clouds. And soon the night will shower silver stars.

Michael wants to be right in his life, so right, he had remained acutely silent about his concern: why does sex and speaking in tongues cause so much confusion in his church? He ponders these things often, which was not all that appalling, for Michael was once just as terribly confused about sheep and goats. He had grown up in the New York soup kitchens and church pantries thinking that all sheep were females and all goats were males, which was not so foreign a concept considering the cultural biases of his language. His confusion only worsened when one day as a lad he observed a goat giving birth and dared not ask what trick nature had played on him.

Sex confuses Michael.

Despite, he grew up to be an admirable stable-headed youth. Thanks to the coaching of a caring New York pastor who knew that the Good News of the Gospel is good news and that the promise of a Living God is abundant life. Michael grew up spiritual and warm-hearted. But the Spirit did not remove his confusion about sex, a confusion that kept him virgin. Not bad, especially since he was the sort who wouldn’t care less whether his college mates knew he was a virgin. Being right was of higher value to him. And being respected for his values was paramount.

In the suburbs of the South he had been taught that sex in marriage is right. Sometimes, even pleasurable. Every other sexual situation was to be considered either suspect or clear-cut sin. But if that were so, he often thought, then David, Noah, and the woman at the well confounded the entire issue – like that pregnant goat! Oh, if only the pastor who truly knew that good news was good, and that sex was a gift, was still alive, then Michael would be less confused! Nevertheless, Michael remained determined to be right in his life, so the Great Creator, whom Michael sincerely believed, has a lot of explaining to do. And it seems by the unfolding of events that the Great Creator is ready. Unawares, Michael had bosomed his many questions and confusions.

None-the-least of Michael’s confusions has to do with the okayness of sex in marriage. What if he keeps himself pure until that very first day he faces his new naked wife in their marital bed? Will he be so pent-up with bliss that he will mount her like a wild animal and blow the romantic occasion in one uncontrollable blast? Will the sight of his wife’s readiness freak him out such that he will freeze-up and faint? Will he need to bring a sex manual to bed? How would he know whether he was gay or straight? These are only his beginning concerns. You'll be absolutely amazed to discover how bizarre and common are the rest of his concerns. However, Michael wants to be right. Especially in these end-times with aids being so brutal, and it being so easy for a one-night-stand to end up in court as a rape case with the ever-present prospect of being branded a sex-offender for life. Ooooh! Ooo-Lawd! But Mike’s most compelling motivation for abstinence is his strong desire to break the cycle of illegitimacy. Of course, he believes his own unfortunate experiences as an out-of-wedlock child, which itself is a sad case, is not cause or cure for who he is. And he is tired of experts predicting that his kind (meaning illegitimate bastards) are doomed to create a stream of bastard children. Abandoned bastard children. Abandoned to the care of reluctant States. Abandoned to perpetual poverty.

No way! No way! No way!

Nevertheless, Michael intends to be right. He has fought hard to stay right, despite this stress and confusion about marriage and sex, so he trusts no one but God with his fears. To whit, he prays a-plenty, fears a lot, and keeps his few joys to himself – like children with dark secrets. For Michael is afraid of sex. Surely, sex is a fearful thing!