this is a soon-to-be collection of conspiracies involving goats. so far i have only found out about one such conspiracy, concocted from my own mind. so, without further adieu, i give you... Santa, Why Are You Bleating At Me? Santa Claus is not a big, fat, jolly man. I'm sorry, but it's true. He's a big, fat, jolly goat-man! Think about it... He wears black boots, right? Wrong. They're hooves. Eh? Humor me... His red hat... I always thought that he wore it to cover up a bald spot or something... or, somethings. That's right, horns. Santa wears his red, long hat to cover up the horns, 'cause the parents of the little kiddies would freak out, become total anarchists, and go on a mass murdering spree. Hey, not a bad idea... Save it, Outcast, it's for another time. Santa's beard... not that hard to figure out. Let's see, where was the word goatee derived from, hmm? If you don't understand, then I can't help you. Santa's reindeer, right? Nuh uh. Let's see, a four-legged mammal: Yep, goats are four-legged mammals. Two horns growning out of its head: Check. Hooves: Check. Fur: Check. Short, bushy tail: Check. Great climbing abilities: Check. Yes, I said climbing, not flying. The animals pulling Santa's sleigh do not fly, they jump from rooftop to rooftop. Mountain goats are exceptionally agile, don't you agree? Santa's elves are likely to be somewhat goat-like, especially since they have pointed ears like a goat. However, I haven't quite figured out that piece of the puzzle, but I'm actively researching that subject. You see, I have just uncovered a secret unbeknown to human kind. Santa is likely to have sent his goat assassins after me, so I need someone to keep this alive. I can't die being the only carrier of this knowledge. I must pass it on, before it is too late. Now, my friend, go out into the world and share this vast expansion of knowledge that I have enlightened you with. Shout it from the rooftops my friend, tell the world! —Silent Outcast |
