THE KEEP's TEST OF THE TWIG 

So...you think you've got what it takes to reach the cutting edge of Role-Playing found here in the KEEP?.

Sure, you've played all the RPG systems over the pass 30 years, you know Gary Gygax personally (in fact you're one of his secret love children), you were part of design team who founded CHAOSIUM, you wore the black armband when GAMES-*spit*-WORKSHOP killed White Dwarf...but hey, this doesn't cut any ice with the Ring of Fear.

You're the best of the best....we'll make you better.

 ABOUT YOU 
NAME:   AGE:  
GLOBAL LOCATION:   FAVOURITE RPG:  
 Mental Tests 
[ Q1 ]  You find a magical spear of indeterminate magical power.
 One of your party is a druid. To test the spear do you throw it at :-
a barn door
a passing kobold
the smallest guy in the party
an ancient oak tree in a leafy glade surrounded by standing stones
Other:
[ Q2 ]  You are a chaotic neutral character standing watch.
 The paladin is soundly asleep. Do you :-
keep a strict watch
Shave his eyebrows off
Shave his eyebrows off and blame the cleric
Shave his eyebrows off, nick all his stuff, paint an amusing 'nob' sign on the back of his armour, and blame the thief.
Other:
[ Q3 ]  You are the DM. One of the players has really got on your tits.
 Do you :-
Behave professionally, and take no account of his behaviour.
Reward everyone else in the party with really good magical items and give him the Horn of Bubbles.
Put him in the cell with the mad Wookie who hasn't had sex for months.
Insert a hot coal up his back passage.
Get a Dragon to burn the player down to smoking ash.
Other:
[ Q4 ]  Your chaotic dwarven fighter stands within a precarious cavern
 of ice, and gazes at a magnificent battle axe entombed within.
 Do you :-
Painstakingly chisel out a big enough hole to retrieve it, using all your mining skills to shore up any potentially dangerous bits.
Ask the magic user if he can use dimension door or teleport to retrieve it
Leave it where it is. Probably cursed anyway.
Scream like a bastard and machete your way through the shuddering ice walls until the weapon is YOURS!
Other:
[ Q5 ]  What is the correct use for a candle: Is it:-
You can use it provide light for reading a spellbook
You can lob it after a flask of oil in combat
You could use the wax to lubricate a rusty lock/hinge/etc
You apply the candle flame to your nether regions to prove your innocence & purity
Other:
[ Q6 ]  You are a CG Mage and have been captured by a multi-legged,
 intelligent, fire breathing, stone gaze turning, evil monster. He
 asks you to get him something to eat. What do you do?
Check your backpack for Dwarven Bread and hope the Beastie's stomach explodes trying to digest it.
Agree to all the beastie's demands and once free, run like a bastard out of this dungeon.
Agree to all the beastie's demands and once free, find the rest of the party and then come back together and twat the sodding git.
Agree to all the beastie's demands, and once free, find the rest of the party and then lure the barbarian to the beastie's lair to get eaten.
Other:
[ Q7 ]  You are part of a crack assault unit whose mission is to rescue
 passengers from a hijacked space liner. What weapons do you
 take with you on this covert mission?
This mission calls for stealth and cunning, we take only Hand to Hand weapons.
A situation like this, we can't afford to hit the passengers by accident, I suggest LASER weapons only
Hey the hijackers are armed to the teeth, we take any weapon other than those that have an area of effect (shotguns, grenades, etc)
We take the Shotguns and Portable Mission Launchers, 33% passengers casualties I can live with.
Other:
[ Q8 ]  You are a 1st Level Lawful Good Priest of Heimdall. You are on
 watch at night in a town rumoured to a hunting ground of
 werewolves. You hear screaming from outside your inn, do you:-
Throw open the doors and go to face your destiny like a man.
Pray to your God for Strength to Face the Evil and then go Outside to Strike a Blow for Goodness.
Wake up the Rest of the Party & then find the Source of the Screams.
Convince Yourself that it's only the Wind & not the Screams of Children being Abducted.
Other:
[ Q9 ]  You are a Cyberpunk Nomad and have just stopped off at a service
 station after a 6 hour drive. You visit the outhouse for a well earned
 dump. Whilst there, someone knocks at the door. Do you :-
Ignore it & Continue with your 2nd Favourite Bodily Function.
Enquire who it is & Draw your Gun.
Pull up your Pants & then Leap out of the Privy Window.
Draw both your Machine Pistols & Strafe the Door off its Hinges.
Other:
[ Q10 ]  You are now the proud owner of an auto-grenade launcher. The
 correct preference for munitions type and firing pattern is :-
Dependent on the Situation, but always with Short Controlled Bursts.
High Explosive, One at a Time to Preserve Ammo.
Smoke, Carefully basing the Amount required on the Situation to Maximise your Advantage.
A Random Selection of Munitions including Anything that comes to hand, Emptying out the Magazine every Trigger Pull.
Other:
 Physical Tests 
[ Q1 ]  You are unable to attend an RPG sess. Do you :-
Let Rich Ball play your character
Let Phil Jones play your character
Let PJ play your character
Drive to the DM's house and demand your character sheet be released into your custody for the duration of the session
Other:
[ Q2 ]  Can you roll a joint :-
No, that's what Graham does
No, we send Sukh out to the coffeeshop
No, I'm still on remand
Yes
Other:
[ Q3 ]  If you answered 'Yes' to question 2 (above), please answer the
 following : Can you *really* roll a joint?
No
Other:
[ Q4 ]  You only have enough space to pack a limited amount of
 role-playing kit. Do you carry :-
Sleeping Bag, Complete Rulebooks, enough food for the weekend
Sleeping Bag, Dice, Miniatures, Rulebooks, Pens&Pencils
Sleeping Bag, Basic Rulebooks, your character's miniature, and Iron Rations (Pepperami)
24 bottles of Guinness and a set of dice
Other:
[ Q5 ]  How can you best use a RITZ cracker (a small savoury biscuit).
 Is it:-
To provide the player much needed nourishment during an ardous RPG session
You could top it with various things (i.e cheese) for additional flavour
You could throw it like a shuriken at another player to show your martial prowess
You could get it stuck in your throat and then go into a major drool session trying to clear the blockage...as your friends look on & laugh like bastards.
Other:
[ Q6 ]  When you were young, white dog turds existed. Now that you are
 older, why do you think they have disappeared? Is it:-
They haven't disappeared, it's just that dogs don't foul the pavements as much
Because dogs eat better now than they did before and therefore their excrement is a different colour.
The turds are being abducted by aliens to power their assault ships.
Because after drinking 20 bottles of wicked strength beer I'm now talking shite (literally).
Other:
[ Q7 ]  The Lads are out drinking. You are a non-smoker. The cigars are
 passed around. Do you :-
Light up like a good 'un.
Throw up like a good 'un.
None of the Above.
All of the Above.
Other:
[ Q8 ]  The Lads have been out drinking. On the way home you stop for
 food. Do you :-
Get the Deep Fried Haggis.
Get the Donner Kebab (Extra Chilli, Please Mister).
Get the Vegetarian Mush (That only an Alien Would Eat).
All of the Above.
Other:
[ Q9 ]  It is 3am and everyone decides to go to sleep. Do you :-
Lie down quietly and go to sleep. Making no noise.
Sleep on your backing. Snoring so loudly the room shakes.
Ask to sleep in the same room as the quite sleepers and then. See 2nd point above.
Other:
[ Q10 ]  The greatest record of all time is :-
Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Silver Machine by Hawkwind.
Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult.
All of the Above.
Other:

Anything Else You Wish To Add Mortal Before You Are Judged?





 


 


BACK TO THE KEEP
1