Author: Lark
E-mail: theagents1013@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: MSR, Angst
Keywords: MSR, Scully-Angst
Spoilers: Christmas Carol/Emily, Sein Und Zeit/Closure
Distribution/Archiving: I'd be honored. Please tell me where, so I can visit!
Feedback: Feed me, baby!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and the actors who portray them. Please do not sue me!
Summary: Scully reflects back on events from her life after the ones that have just occurred, and realizes she has not made peace with her own demons.
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Guardian Angels (1/1)
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"I'm fine."
I shake my head in disbelief. Echoing the same words I do when I don't want to open up, my partner has almost succeeded in completely shutting me out. Is it because I am the same skeptic I have always been, or is this experience so intensely personal that he is not compelled to discuss it with anyone, even me?
*(Maybe it's something only I was meant to understand...)*
He murmurs something else...it sounds like "Free..."
Free.
Free from what? The vices that have held him for years? Has he really found Samantha? No. Not in any physical sense. But he seems to have made his peace with her disappearance, reconciled his differences with the unfairness of this increasingly hopeless quest. The way all this ties in with what he just told our psychic friend implies that he truly believes she is with the starlight. Perhaps his nightmares will leave him, and his demons can rest in peace, now and forever.
*(Amen)*
Life can carry on.
But will it...?
What is left for him, now that the driving force behind what has become his entire life is gone? Bureau work? The X-Files can't hold the same meaning for him anymore, not now.
What did he find out there on his walk?
*(End of the Road.)*
But is it...?
Why are there so many unknowns all of a sudden? I mean, there always have been, but they never seemed so frustrating as they do now. Why is it that he is the calm, certain one all of a sudden? I look out the window, staring at the scenery as we drive in silence, peaceful on his part, tense and confused on mine, back to the hotel.
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I stare up at the ceiling in the darkness. The confusion from before hasn't left me, and since Mulder isn't talking, I'm still left with no answers. Not that I'd believe most of them in the first place, but sometimes it's comforting to hear something- anything, anyway. I have to make myself content with the simple fact that Mulder is close by, bodily- not mentally, just across the hall. I don't know what to think anymore. Mulder is so content with his newfound peace, and now I am the one struggling to free myself. At least he's getting a good night's sleep for once.
*(You'll know...You'll see them if you're ready to know.)*
But what do *I* need to know? Why am I not ready to see? I do have demons of my own to contend with, but I believe I have reconciled with most of them already. I let my sister go long since, because I know what Melissa would have expected and wanted of me...as for myself, I'm happy to be alive after everything that has happened, and I have people here who need and love me, so I can go on, even knowing what has been done to me...and my daugh-
Wait.
I sit bolt upright. I know I let her go in my mind, but did I ever really let her go in my heart? Did I ever cry desperately for her, for what she meant, and for what she and I will never have? No. I never have. I used to think it was because the bond I formed with her was so brief, but maybe it's always been because I wasn't ready to handle that. Better to tuck it all down deep and not let it surface again. But it doesn't ever work that way. There are reminders of my little girl everywhere, everyday, and this case has hit especially close. Children's deaths have always been hard for me, but ever since I found what it was to have a child of my own, however short the time I had her, Death has been even harder.
*(All I want is to have my little boy back.)*
And all I want is to have my little girl back.
This thought makes the crack in my wall of safety a little wider, a little deeper, and I can feel my composure crumbling. Is this all it takes? To realize that what I want most is something that can never come back to me? To actually admit that to myself? The first tears slip down my cheeks, and I cover my face quickly with my hands. My God. I never wanted to know how deep this pain really goes. I've been too afraid to find out, to touch it, even carefully, because I always *knew* how badly it would hurt.
Sobbing harder, I allow the onslaught of memories and sorrows and never-will-be's to continue, and curl up on the bed, shoving my face into a pillow for comfort, since Mulder is across the hall and not here. It feels horrible and yet wonderful to cry so hard and have no idea when it will taper off.
Shallow, ragged breaths escape me as I relive every moment I had with Emily. She could have had a marvelous future, and she would have been my brightest star, the only one that would ever exist because of me. Like any mother, I dream up her future- kindergarten, class trips, high school, proms, first dates, college, marriage, and babies of her own...why did God take her from me before I had the chance to experience this aspect of life? Before she could know any of this? I cradle my arms around my painfully empty womb and sob harder, knowing that I will never get the chance to have any of this, that my life will always have this deep void.
*(They're in a better place...)*
Is she there? Is my daughter in this better place? Suddenly, I want to know. I need to know. The tears begin to taper off as I pick up my cell phone and hit number one on my speed dial.
His sleepy voice fills my ear.
"Mulder..."
"I need to talk to you."
"What's wrong?" Suddenly, he's wide awake, his voice laced with concern.
"I...I just need to know something."
"Okay. I'll be right there."
I throw on my bathrobe and wait for his knock. He's there in seconds, and I go to the door. He takes one look at my tear-streaked face and wraps an arm around my shoulder, guiding me back inside my room.
We sit on the edge of my bed, his arm still wrapped around me.
"What do you want to know, Scully?"
I take a deep breath, not sure if I'm ready for the answer. "When you were walking, I know you saw a little boy, and you must have seen your sister."
"I did. I saw them all...even little Amber-Lynn."
"Did you...did you see...?" I begin to cry again, although this isn't the terrible sobbing from before.
A frown creases his brow. "Oh, Scully...shhhh...it's alright...it's alright..." He rubs my shoulders and I lean into him, my eyes leaking more tears than I've allowed myself in a long time.
"You want to know if I saw Emily?"
I nod, not able to speak.
He sighs. "I'm going to be honest with you, Scully. I didn't see her. There were so many kids. She could have been there...but I'm not sure. If she was, she didn't find it necessary to make herself known to me...maybe that's a good thing, though..."
I start sobbing again. I can't help it. I want her back, and I want to know that she's safe and happy wherever she happens to be. Is she playing among all those little boys and girls in the starlight? Or is she just that pile of dust in a coffin?
Mulder wraps his arms tighter around me and I bury my face in his chest. "I just want to know that she's happy...and safe...and loved..."
He kisses the top of my head tenderly. "I know, Scully. I know that. But you know all those things in your heart. Because you know that's where she'll always be, which means all three are correct. She'll always be part of you..."
"I wish I could see her again...just once more..."
"I know. Hang on...I have something for you...I didn't want to give it to you until you were ready for it, but I think you are now..."
He squeezes me briefly, then gets up and goes back to his room. Moments later, he returns with a small box. He sits down next to me again, and silently hands it to me. I give him a questioning look, and peek inside.
Nestled in white cotton is a gold pendant, in the shape of an angel. It's sort of like one of those angel-on-my-shoulder pins, with a tiny stone tucked in one wing. I take a closer look, squinting in the dim light, and I see that it is my daughter's birthstone. Tears begin rolling down my cheeks yet again, only this time, they aren't of sorrow.
"Oh Mulder...thank you..."
He smiles and reaches around to unhook the cross from my neck. Then he adds the angel and clasps the chain around my neck again. I reach down to look at it again. I look up, and then I see the gold chain glinting on his own neck. I reach up to see what he has on his, and find that it is a similar angel, with Samantha's birthstone in it.
"Since they're both in a better place- happy, safe, and loved- I think we can consider them our guardian angels."
I wrap my arms around his neck. "Thank you so much...you don't know what this means to me..."
He strokes my hair. "I would give anything to see that you stay happy, Scully, just the same as you do for me...maybe now that everything's finally okay again, I can spend a little more time on that..."
"Only if that includes me keeping you happy, too, Mulder..."
"Always."
He stays with me until I am drifting off to sleep, then lays me gently down, drops a light kiss on my lips, and walks silently out the door.
*(I Love You, Scully)*
It resounds around the room, echoed ten times louder in my semiconscious state, and I sit bolt upright again, staring all around me. The door is closed, and Mulder has already left. Did I imagine that?
"I love you, too, Mulder..." I whisper at the closed door.
The End.
"Now I will reach for the stars, because, my love, that's where you are."
~Vertical Horizon, 'On the Sea'~
"Plucked from the sky like a Diamond,
Plucked from the sky like Spring's new leaf,
Whether it's clouds, whether my wish,
It happened, Thank God, You were
Plucked from the sky like a Dragonfly...
I've got my Guardian Angel."
~Dave Matthews and Shannon Worrell, 'Eleanor'~
"I wish on every falling star and whisper your name, hoping that you and I will always remain..."
~Joydrop, 'The Joy Drops'~
"Says she talks to Angels...says they all know her name..."
~Black Crowes, 'She Talks To Angels'~
Sorry for all the quotes, they just all seem really fitting...
~K~
