GooberWank
Rated: M
~the story of a lost friend...
By: AW (although I'm not sure even I want to take credit for this one.)
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, and if you really want the story Paramount, I'd like to see you pull it off.
Chakotay had been searching all day. Where was it? He couldn’t find it. No matter how much he tried, no matter how many different methods he attempted, it was nowhere to be found. He looked and searched, granted it was cold, and it tended to shrink and shrivel in this weather, but he couldn't find it anywhere.
But he was a Starfleet officer and had to study all most impressive and the most common places it could be. If he couldn't find it, he would have to inform the Captain, and he wasn't looking forward to asking for her help in finding his most prized possession.
So he went on a vision quest thinking maybe it would help.
Thinking maybe it would help him find his lost object, and end up with the prize, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the...dear god, he was never going to get any again. He would never get Kathryn.
He would never impress the Captain with the bulge in his pants.
He would never....get a grip Commander you're your own man. You don't need any woman to make you happy.
Mind you, the Captain, and not the female who commanded the ship, wasn't standing at attention, and was nowhere to found. The Captain who commanded his ship. The...oh dear god...where are you?
Finally, at the end of his wits he made his way to the Captain's ready room.
She wasn't there.
He went to the mess hall.
She wasn't there.
This was an emergency. This was a situation of the utmost importance, this was...a hunt in the dark....this was important.
More important than the Borg, more important than the Hirogen, this was a threat that was threatening his humanity. Yeah that's what he was going to tell her.
"Computer, what is Captain Janeway's current location."
He listened for what seemed like an eternity. "Captain Janeway is in her quarters."
He had only one thought come to his mind. *DOH*.
With not an ounce of sanity, or pride left in his system, he slinked to the Captain's private domain, in search of help. He pressed the chime and waited. No answer. He waited. No answer.
*ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.*
Why can't people leave me alone at this time of the night for god's sake its 2am...I'm in bed...I'm in this stupid satin nightie with no one to show it to...
She felt herself getting hot. *Kathryn get a grip.*
She opened the door. To see none other than a very unready for action Chakotay. "Yes Commander? Its' 2am couldn't this have waited?"
Chakotay refused to look up at her, his Captain, his best friend, his... "Captain, I have a problem. The greatest threat to my huMANity is here. It's..."
She sighed and shook her head. "You didn't Chakotay."
He refused to look at her, he…"
"You lost him didn't you? You lost Wanker again. Every six months you come to me like this. You're worse than the goddamned Vulcan at least he only does this to me once every seven years."
Kathryn grabbed him by the shirt. "Come on, let’s go in search of Wanker."
Chakotay's face started to light up. "You'll help me Kathryn?"
She sighed. "I don't have a choice, either that or you go around with that stupid look on your face for the next six weeks, at which point you come to me again..." She sighed. "Okay, alright, come on."
She pulled him into the bedroom and stripped him buck naked, in search of Wanker his friend from down under.
"Good lord Chakotay, where did you put him?"
Chakotay shook his head. He wailed in disgrace. "I don't know Kathryn, I just don't know. I lost him."
His face lit up. "Kathryn do you think..."
She shook her head..."No Chakotay, even Borg nanoPROBEs won't help with this one. I'm afraid the only solution to this is..."
"Kathryn no...not...."
"Come on Chakotay, we've been through this before. The only way to uncover your Goober, to find Wanker is...."
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....not........"
She somberly shook her head and looked up into his eyes. "Yes Chakotay...sex."
Chakotay went into tHE bathroom, "Kathryn, at least let me prep....at least..."
"Come on Chakotay, there's nothing to be afraid of...I'm sure you've done this before...come one..."
"No Kathryn, you don’t understand, that's why Wanker keeps shrinking, I've never used him like that...I mean sure I've choked the chicken, and taken a walk through the bushes, but never..."
Kathryn had to stop herself from laughing, finally she blew a gasket. "You're a Virgin Chakotay?! What about Seska? What about B'Elanna. What about Riley? What about..."
He shut her up. "Kathyrn please, no need to remind me of all the times I could have but didn't."
She sighed and when she'd finally finished her laughing fit, she opened her mouth. "Well Chakotay, we'll just have to remedy that, and this time you will.
So that night, they had the best night of their lives. How was Chakotay to know that Sex was better than all those other forms of pleasure he had done to himself? How was he to know that....
*SIX WEEKS LATER*
Kathryn was on the rampage, Chakotay could feel it, he knew he had done something wrong. "Commander, my ready room NOW."
Tom listened, and could hear nothing but muffled yelling and screaming, and finally a satiated Chakotay and a very red Kathryn walked out of the ready room.
*EIGHT MONTHS LATER*
The comm system came online. "I am pleased to announce the birth of a happy eight pound 4 ounce baby boy, the command team has named Goober Wanker Janeway."
THE END