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In case anyone hasn't seen it.

THE END OF AN ERA
PART 1/3

Rated: M

By: AW

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just borrow them from time

to time...

Authors Note: This story is an episode addition to ENDGAME. I'm hoping I can fix some of the crap that they seemed to have done to piss off every J/C fan in the world.

I hope you like it and enjoy.

AW

*~*~*~*~*

"To the journey."

"And to those who aren't here to celebrate it with us." I said those words, an admiral now, luckier than I had ever thought I would be. I lived for these days remembering those who perished and who suffered the consequences of my actions.

*Admiral Janeway.* Such a huffy title, I was now one of the most decorated officers in Starfleet and felt as if my life had still been such a waste. I had lived to get the crew home, and once home, what did I have? Nothing, that was the answer. I had missed out on so much during that 22 year mission. Love, life, children, all the things I had always wanted. And the thing that made me so angry, it had been staring me in the face the whole time and I had been too arrogant and self-riteous to admit it, or to let myself feel it.

So here I was...one of the most decorated officers in Starfleet history, and I had nothing to show for it. Not a thing, I would pass on, go the way of the dinosaurs and be nothing but a frail memory of a name in a Starfleet history book.

Had it been worth it? I had always told myself yes, but on days like today, I knew the answer was no.

And so the monotony of life as Kathryn Janeway, Admiral Kathryn Janeway, the woman who had brought her crew home continued. Life went on and I went to class. Time to teach new cadets about the Borg, the nemesis of the world. But this day and this class brought me no joy. Yes I was looking forward to teaching with Reg Barclay; yes I was looking forward to getting out of the battle field, but the price had been too high, and we had all suffered for it.

Somewhere along the way, I had made the decision, I would change history, and not in the way so many thought I had with my Voyager command, but change history and make it all better. Bring them back, help them out and in doing so help myself.

Today was the day of reckoning.

I walked into the lecture hall, got some silly first year cadet questions. What was the look on the Borg Queen's face when I announced I was taking down Unimatrix Zero, what a silly question, but deep down I knew he was simply trying to alleviate the tension in the room.

Then a young ensign, a yellow ensign, oh how many of those had I lost on Voyager. It was a big joke among many of my crew. And I was brought back to my office, I was receiving a subspace message.

"I'm sorry to pull you out of class Admiral."

Little Miral Paris. An ensign now and no longer a little girl. I loved her as the child I would never see, or maybe I would, once it was all done and over with, once it was all better, once life was as I knew it should be. "Did you see it?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And..."

"And it works."

That was when I pulled myself away from my classes, retirement, all the things I thought I had worked my whole life to achieve. No...this was too important. I had lost too many, ruined too many lives, left too many opporunities behind, and killed hope for all, it seemed.

No. This was the end. This was the final bit of suffering, after today life would be as it should be and regret would be no longer.

So what was left to do? Oh I knew. I had to go and visit Tuvok, I had known him, and been his friend for too many years not to say goodbye; and after all, it was my fault he was the way he was. For now, until I fixed everything until...until I was ready to admit everything: to her, to myself, to him...to everyone.

Make her see everything.

Make myself see everything.

First the doctor, Joe, 22 years and he had picked Joe as a name? I just laughed at the idiosyncrasies of my crew. I laughed at how well they had turned out. I had started with a group of green ensigns and upstart rebels, and had ended up with the finest group of officers I had ever and would ever work with.

Earlier that day, I had seen the ever present defiance in B'Elanna's eyes. I had forced her daughter Miral, Miral Kathryn Paris, to miss the reunion. I hadn't had a choice; if all went as I hoped it would, their daughter would be brought up not on the lost Starship Voyager, but rather on Earth, Utopia of the Alpha Quadrant.

Anyway, I had to see the doctor. Or rather I had to convince him to see me. I waited and that night I was not disappointed when he arrived. "You must be the only doctor in the quadrant who still makes house calls."

The quipps, the banter, this hologram had learned to live and learned to love. And I must say in many ways he made a better human being than I ever had.

"We didn't get to talk much at the party," I looked at him, "So...how's married life?" I almost felt that fate and destiny were throwing this in my face. That life was playing a cruel joke on me. I couldn't be married, I couldn't be married with children. No, I had never been.

I'd been engaged and ready to take the plunge twice, and as far as I had been concerned I had always been ready to make the commitment a third and last time.

If only he'd asked.

If only I'd said yes.

In the meantime while my internal diatribe continued, the doctor yammered on about how happy he was; about how his wife was making him happier than he'd ever imagined it was possible to be.

I was jealous of a hologram. He had reached the apex of humanity.

He had been where I, the great Kathryn Janeway had never ventured because I had been too busy with jobs, and stress and responsibility.

I had never taken the plunge and committed myself to love.

Then he made a statement I had been dreading and not expecting. "Oh married life is wonderful. You should try it some time."

I had to consciously force myself not to let my jaw drop. I had wanted to, I had been ready to...I... "Oh I think its a little late for that. Marriage is for the young. Like your wife."

That was it; that would keep him quiet. Despite everything, I knew this hologram, whom I considered a man, respected me too much to delve into old wounds. "I only hope she ages as gracefully as you have."

That's right, I was old. And I had nothing to show for my graceful fall into the land of the aged.

I had my health...I had my sanity...I had...that was it.

It was a sad moment when I realized what I had become. Then I got down to business, got into what I really needed him to do for me. "Have you heard of a drug called Kramexolene?"

The doctor stammered and admitted that he had been testing it at Starfleet medical. "I need 2000 mg by tomorrow afternoon."

The doctor bowed down and stated he'd have it for me by 0900. I just nodded, it was nice to have influential friends, but the hardest part was yet to come.

I had visited Tuvok, attempted to talk to him. Poor Tuvok, I just told him, I might not see him again. I knew somewhere in his Vulcan brain he understood, but he didn't process it.

I left him with a memory, a picture that depicted his, and my...all of our lives before I made the largest mistake of my life.

A mistake I would force her to correct before it was too late, and before she ended up a lonely old Admiral with nothing to show.

Final destination; I dreaded coming here sometimes, and yet I needed to do it. It was as if he were still here to talk to me. I swear some nights when I slept, I could still hear his words of wisdom.

I could still hear his cries of pain.

And some nights, I could still remember what it felt like to have him share my bed. We'd all been lonely, and this was my compromise. I loved him, but refused to admit to it.

I needed him, but would not let it show.

I fucked him, because it gave me release.

On nights like tonight I realize, that is what drove him to her. That is what let him get away from me. That is why I lost him...

I'm standing at his grave stone now, making my final plea to the living and the dead before I change history and make all of our lives the better for it.

"Any final words of advice for your old Captain? Wait don't tell me. I'm being impulsive: I haven't considered all the consequences. It's too risky." I think that some days I almost expect him to answer me.

And deep down, in his own way, from beyond the grave I know he does. "Thanks for the input. But I've got to do what I think is right." Right for me, right for him, right for Seven?

I'm not sure who it’s necessarily right for, but I know its right. "I know it wasn't easy living all these years without her Chakotay. But when I'm through, things might be better for all of us."

And then I made one last plea, as I had so many times aboard Voyager. "Trust me."

All the words I said, all the feelings, all the things I really meant. I had lived with so much guilt for so many years...so much regret, and now it was over. *Trust me indeed, old friend.*

And that was indeed when everything changed...well I think that was when everything changed. You see, from my point of view it all happened so many years ago, but from her point of view it had yet to even begin.

I needed to make sure she understood that Chakotay was her soulmate and if she let him go...she would never forgive herself for letting him pass her by. For forgetting that he did love her and by taking Seven as his mate was settling for second best.

That by not loving him, he would forget that he did love her in the end, and would convince himself, that loving Seven of Nine, or trying to love Seven of Nine was the right thing to do.

I remember...so many years ago. This is when I knew it was over. When I knew he was done pining over me. The day I knew, I was no longer the be all and end all of his world.

Sure he was still the best first officer I had ever worked with, but it wasn't the same. There was no longer that undying and unending love that had been there.

I remember...

"When?" I asked again. How many times had it been now?

More than I cared to count or remember.

"0400." The dimples showing as they had almost every time he smiled at me. As if god had created them for my enjoyment alone. But somehow today, the air in the ready room was different. It was heavier. There was something wrong, something he wasn't telling me.

I just smiled and continued. "How many false alarms does that make?" I was incredulous. Having never given birth or had children of my own, I just shook my head. She had more guts and stamina than I had ever had.

He grinned. "That we know of?"

"That baby is as stubborn as her mother." I had to squeeze in a little comment of my own. How would he react if that was me, if that was our child? Would he let me bear him a child out of love and tenderness. I remembered thinking these thoughts, and praying that one day, I would get my wish.

That was before my life came crashing down on my head.

"Harry's starting a pool to see who can guess the actual date and time of birth." That knowing look I had seen from Chakotay, that loving adoration.

These looks were for me alone.

"Tell him to put me down for..." I hesitated. I really shouldn't have been encouraging them, but what the hell. My Chief engineer was having a baby, "Next Friday 2300 hours."

I sucked in my breath, I needed to ask him one more thing.

I had to see him later, but first ship's business. "Anything else?"

I knew there was something else, but he had something else on his mind that wasn't ship's business. You work, you love, you...well you know the story...when you know someone long enough, you know them better than they know themselves sometimes. "Crewman Chell has asked about taking over in the messhall full time."

I grinned. "Neelix left some pretty big pots and pans to fill. Does Mr. Chell feel he's up to the challenge?"

I missed Neelix greatly. It seemed I kept losing people.

Whether it be by their own choice or my stupidity, they kept leaving and I kept grieving.

Chakotay just looked into my eyes. I could see an apology. Under the work there was a 'sorry' for what he would later say to me. I knew it was coming, and I knew I couldn't stop it, but maybe now I can prevent it for her. "Apparently so. He's prepared a sample menu." His hand lingered on mine a little too long and his eyes locked with mine for a long moment. Oh yes, I loved him. I looked at the menu, laughter beginning to bubble in my stomach. "Plasma-leak soup. Chicken Warp-core-don bleu?" I looked into his eyes seeing my future and his and possibly the future of every person on the Voyager.

"If his cooking's as bad as his puns...we're in trouble."

I just stared at him. Looked into those deep dark obsidian pools, the ones you could get lost in if you looked too long. I remember finally getting up the courage. "I don't know. I wouldn't mind giving his red alert chili a try." I quickly asked him before loosing my nerve. "Feel like lunch?"

He hesitated, and I knew this was it. Kathryn had lost.

"I'd love to, but I've already made plans. Raincheck?"

Raincheck indeed, I never got to have those quiet suppers with him ever again. I never got to spend the time with him just because.

And the nights of sexual release, well they ended too, because...well he had someone else. And he had somewhere else to be. And he had someone else to be with.

Oh how I missed those nights. How I missed him. I answered, "Absolutely." But nothing in this life was absolute, and this was one of them.

Nothing was absolute...

And as far as I was concerned that was the beginning of the end, that was the day I lost him, to my protégée, to the woman I had trained in the ways of humanity. To the woman I had raised in my own image.

Maybe she'd grown and adapted to my way of life a little too well.

Maybe I'd lost him just a little too soon.

Maybe his feelings for her and their relationship had less in the end to do with her and a little too much to do with me.

And maybe that relationship had hit just a little too close to home.

Maybe...

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I question where to go
And I don't know what I'm tapping into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I question where to go
And I don't know what I'm tapping into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

END PART I

The song was Hanging By A Moment By LifeHouse

(c) AW MAY 2001