I hide as I have so many times before
Hide from you, from myself, from everyone
I hide from truth and those who seek it --
I lie as few others can, to all
But am not foolish enough to believe others lies.
I am a creature of lies and deceit
I lie to those who those who hate me and those who do not know me
But most of all I lie to those who love me
And myself, the one person who has no hope of ever knowing me.
Telling the truth is not a choice
For it would unravel all the lies
And I could not bear to be so naked,
To be judged by others as I truly am.

And so I hide from any light and lie
So that I appear to be light and not darkness,
So that I seem normal when I am not. None of us are.
I nurture my illusions and allow them to grow
Well watered by my fear of truth and knowing.
My fears define me, what I let others think I am
I have become to them, to avoid the truth.
We are what others perceive us to be
But I have chosen how you perceive me
And am trapped by my own lie.

I do not believe the lies of others but I believe my own --
I must, for them to work and so I now appear to be
What you think me to have always been
And I fear that deep within, in places I have never been,
The true me is dying and I cannot find it,
Dare not free it and would not recognise it
Even if I dared to free it from its non-existent chains
Of lies and smoke and shadows.

I am my lies my fears and my weaknesses.
Nothing more remains of what I might have been
And I am too afraid to think of what I will be
If I dared free myself from myself.
For I am only true if I am false
And the lie is the only thing that sustains me
For my very deceits define me and make me whole.
I am the product of myself
And I fear what I have become.

It does not matter if I detest this past
For I cannot change it
And have no power to alter what has been
Though it has made me what I am.
The steps have been lost in my mind
And I lack the strength to go there
As I lack the strength to do much else.
Now my weaknesses are my strength
And seeing my strengths again would break me
For my failings are all I have left
And all that remains of what I once was.
All there is of who I could have been.

- Josh MacLeod (1995, revised 2000)