Wash
Wash me clean
Mend my wounded seams
Clense my tarnished dreams

K.D. Lang 1992

It just didn't make any sense, what he was feeling. He'd spent one glorious hour with his spirit guide, just the two of them, alone and free in the woods, no ship, no Delta Quadrant, no responsibilities, pure freedom. So why in the universe was he feeling so tense?

Chakotay sat cross legged on his sofa, closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Time to isolate the tension, he figured and he focused on the Bridge crew. Janeway? No, everything was fine with her, she was his captain, and a damn good one at that. Tuvok? Nothing had changed with him, he was the same, dispassionate Vulcan he always was. Slowly, Chakotay's thoughts drifted to that bright, blonde head that sat in front of him every day--Tom Paris.

Suddenly, Chakotay felt tense again. What was going on? Then he realized that there was a change on the Bridge, the relationship between Tom Paris and Harry Kim. Everyone on Voyager knew about them, and although they were still very professional on duty, Tom and Harry made it a point *not* to keep it a secret when they were off duty. It wasn't unusual to find them in Sandrine's, sitting together in a dark corner, eyes locked, sipping out of each other's glasses and stealing kisses when they thought no one was looking.

Chakotay sighed loudly. Paris. Of all the people on Voyager Harry Kim could have chosen, B'Elanna, even the Delaneys, he chose Tom Paris. TOM - irreverent, arrogant, brash, disrespectful...Tom - who owned Chakotay's life...Tom, who had almost single handedly saved them from the Kazons....Tom, the best pilot in Starfleet who more than once had pulled them out of one scrape after another.

Chakotay opened his eyes and realized his fists were clenched, his breathing was ragged and sweat was beginning to appear on her forehead. He had an impulse to wrap his hands around Tom Paris's neck...lean over and...and...kiss him...Gods...Gods NO...NO...where did *that* thought come from? Chakotay hated Tom, didn't he? Didn't he? Chakotay felt lightheaded, sweat poured from every opening in his body and he heard a roaring in his head. When he blinked, he realized he had a raging erection as well.

Chakotay rubbed his eyes and tried to get the image of kissing Tom Paris's arrogant mouth and ripping his uniform off his body, out of his mind. He remembered again that *he* was the one left out of the ruse to get Tom off Voyager, and that his angry feelings toward the pilot were used to make his departure more believeable...Chakotay tried to remember how angry he felt, not at Janeway, even though it was her plan, but at Tom Paris himself, for just being there.

"Oh Gods," Chakotay groaned. The angry feelings came and went; as Chakotay also remembered how happy he was when Tom came back to Voyager, when he came face to face with that smile. 'Damn' Chakotay blinked and realized he was stroking himself. He stopped suddenly and then thought about Tom's smile, those sparkling blue eyes, the cocky expression, and Chakotay felt that he was smiling. 'Wonder if he's blonde all over' a thought screamed in his mind. Chakotay cleared his throat. No sense in thinking like that, Tom Paris was in love with Harry Kim and that's all there was to it, it didn't matter what he felt.

Harry Kim walked quickly down the corridor, going over and over in his mind what he was going to say when he reached Tom's quarters. He was practically running, but figured that wouldn't be proper for a Starfleet officer, when there was no danger underfoot. 'I hope I can remember everything' Harry thought. Damn, he'd only spent an entire hour in front of the mirror trying to find the words to say what he knew he had to say.

Harry hadn't seen Tom in two days. Captain Janeway decided that the bridge crew needed rotating for awhile, that meant that he and Tom weren't on duty together. It was tough, looking up and not seeing the back of Tom's head, but they more than made up for it when they were in bed together. Today was a rare one, when they actually could spend time alone, together, unless Tom wanted to go to Sandrine's...No, Harry was certain Tom would want to spend an evening at home. Harry smiled at that word, home. Four months ago, Harry Kim would never have thought of Tom Paris's quarters as home, but that's what they were.

Harry reached Tom's quarters, activated the code and walked in. He looked around, but didn't see Tom anywhere. Harry was about to call his name, when...

"Computer, privacy lock," Tom's voice came from the bathroom.

Harry was about to enter the bedroom when Tom emerged from the bathroom. Harry stopped short, seeing his lover. Tom had a white towel wrapped around his slim waist, a small towel and very loosely wrapped. His hair was damp, and curls were beginning to form, there was a fine sheen of water across his chest, illuminating Tom's fair chest hairs; a smell of pine echoed through the room.

Harry's mouth dropped open, and Tom smiled. "What's the matter, you've never seen a man come out of the shower before?"

Harry was about to speak, when Tom rushed him, taking him in his arms and kissing his mouth. "Oh...baby...I haven't seen you all day...and then you had to go play with B'Elanna in engineering...I've missed you..." he said between kisses.

Harry wrapped his hand around Tom's damp head, pulling him close, hungrily sucking on his tongue. Then, Harry remembered what he had to do.

"Tom...I've got..."

But Harry's words were lost as the towel dropped, revealing Tom's naked body, his erection poked Harry in the stomach, as Tom leaned over and slowly, tenderly, licked his inner ear and moved down to his earlobe, where he gave Harry a gentle bite. "Oh...Tom..." was all Harry could get out.

"Baby...you're so beautiful..." Tom whispered. He pulled Harry's shirt over his head, thowing it to the floor. Then, gently touched Harry's nipples with his fingertips. The gentle sensation caused Harry to groan and pull Tom's hips closer to his body as he felt himself hardening.

Tom responded by using his tongue on Harry's nipples, starting with the right, then moving to the left, he traced the outline, then swirled around and around in a circular motion, finally nibbling gently on them. Harry shivered, his hands tangled in Tom's hair, feeling the damp curls around his fingers.

Harry's breathing became uneven as Tom knelt down in front of his lover and unbuttoned and unzippered his pants, glad he'd changed out of his uniform into clothes that were much easier to remove. Harry stepped out of his pants, but couldn't remember taking off his socks, boots and boxers, but when he blinked they were gone and he stood, naked in front of Tom.

For a moment, Harry remembered that there was something he was supposed to say to Tom, now, but all rational thought disappeared as he gave into the roaring in his ears and the primal need that was growing steadily inside of him when Tom took him in his arms and licked his neck and throat, gently nipping Harry's soft skin. Harry cried out as their erections met and he started to involuntarily thrust his hips against Tom, wanting, needing to feel more and more of him.

Tom gasped and pulled his head back. "Gods baby...too soon...too..soon..."

Harry groaned, he was too far gone to even whimper or beg. Then Tom, moved his hand down and carefully caressed his scrotum. Harry gasped, his nails dug into Tom's back, as he began his own sensual assault of Tom's nipples.

Tom was fighting the impulse to thrust against Harry, but he was losing the battle.

"Fuck me..." Tom gasped.

Harry closed his eyes tight. He loved it when Tom talked in that low, desperate voice. .

"Fuck me before I explode...baby..."

They were a few steps from the bed, but Tom turned around, bracing his hands against the wall. "Now...baby...please..."

"Oh...Tom...yes...yes..." Harry frantically looked around for the tube of lubricant, when he didn't see it, he spit on his fingers, then he slowly slid one finger in Tom's anus, and Tom threw his head back.

"No...Harry...not your finger...I want you inside me....now...I can't wait another fucking second."

Harry was always hesitant about entering Tom too quckly, he was always afraid he'd stir up some bad memories, but Tom was rotating his hips from side to side, and making small groaning noises. Harry gasped and realized that he wasn't in the mood for waiting either. He wrapped one arm around Tom's waist and slid into him.

Tom gasped loudly as Harry filled him up. "Yes....yes...." he managed to say.

Harry began a slow rhythm, still worried about hurting his lover. Tom grunted loudly and thrust his hips backward, hard into Harry's testicles. Harry grabbed Tom's hips, but was determined not to move any faster. Tom had other ideas.

"Fuck me...harder...oh Harry...harder...."

Hearing Tom's voice erased all thoughts Harry had about bringing up painful memories for Tom. He felt so good, so hot, so strong, hard, tight. Harry pushed deeper, harder into Tom, then reached around his lover and grabbed his penis. Harry pumped Tom's shaft in time to his thrusts, then he squeezed the head, causing Tom to cry out.

Soon Harry was thrusting wildly inside Tom with a determination he didn't know he had, still stroking Tom's penis, harder, faster, rougher. Harry's vision blurred, the roaring in his head grew louder, he gripped Tom's buttocks, digging his nails into his skin, drawing blood. Tom cried out, but not in pain, as his hips bucked involuntarily.

"Oh...Gods...." was all Harry could get out.

"Harry..." Tom breathed, "I....I....love you....I love you!"

That was all it took to send Harry over the edge. He leaned over and bit Tom on the back of the neck as his body tensed for a second, then Harry gave three more quick thrusts and shouted as he came. Harry's shuddering and shaking body caused Tom to loose control, he gasped and came into Harry's hand. Tom's buttocks muscles contracted around Harry's penis, drawing out his orgasm, as Tom's seed spurted out of Harry's hand, onto the carpet.

When Tom could see again, he found himself staring into Harry's flushed, dopey face. He frowned and realized they were both lying on the carpet.

"What happened?" Tom found his voice strangely hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken in hours.

"I don't know. We were standing up, the next thing I knew we were down here."

Tom smiled. "So good we both blacked out, huh?"

Harry blushed. Tom ran the back of his hand against Harry's cheek. "Baby," he breathed, Tom frowned. "This carpet's scratchy."

"Guess they don't mean for people to lie on it, naked."

"If you get off me, Harry, we can get into bed."

Harry smiled. "If I get off you?" Harry blinked and realized Tom was right, he was on top. "You started it."

"So I did, let's get between the sheets."

Harry stood up, shakily, then reached down and helped Tom stand, Tom almost fell and had to steady himself against the wall.

"Harry, you are too damn much," Tom grinned.

"I aim to please."

Tom laughed and ran his hand through Harry's hair, mussing it up. "You sure do baby."

They lay in bed, facing each other, arms and legs around each other. Harry twirled his fingers around the necklace he'd given Tom.

"It looks good on you."

Tom smiled, and for Harry, the entire room lit up and he pulled him closer. Then, the neurons in Harry's brain started firing again, and he remembered that there was something he had to do. Harry took a deep breath, dislodged himself from Tom and got out of bed. Tom frowned as Harry put on his pants, then his shirt.

"Harry?" Tom said. Harry faced Tom, the older man was frowning, his eyes had darkened. "Are you going somewhere?" he said, barely able to mask the fear in his voice.

"No, no I'm not going anywhere Tom, I'm not going anywhere at all. It's just...I need to say something...and, I'd...I'd rather not say it naked."

Tom sat up, and leaned against the pillows, his face relaxed. Harry turned to face his lover and took one of Tom's hands. He took another deep breath then got down on one knee. As soon as Harry did that, Tom felt a huge weight drop in the pit of his stomach, he bit his lip, almost afraid of what was coming next.

"Tom, before I met you, I thought...I thought I knew what it meant to be happy. Now I see that I was wrong. I'm happier than I've ever been, Tom. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone...well, except maybe my parents...I love you so much Tom, and I'm so happy...I...want to ask you if you'll be....be my husband."

Tom felt as if the entire universe had stopped. He just stared at Harry, in shock and disbelief, he was so stunned that it took him a few seconds to collect his thoughts, and a few more to collect his voice.

"Harry..." he said, "I don't know what to say."

Harry smiled, and Tom almost lost himself in those dark, loveable eyes. "Say yes Tom."

Tom sighed. "Harry." He squeezed his lover's hand. "Come back up here."

Harry smiled and obeyed, facing Tom, still clutching his hand.

"Harry, you know I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, even myself, you've made me happier than I deserve..."

Harry lowered his eyes for a moment, before looking at Tom again. "But..."

Tom looked at Harry's hand. "Oh Harry....oh Gods Harry....there's so much you don't know about me..."

"Tom, we've been over that. I've told you that I don't give a damn what you did in the past, what happened to you in prison, what your father thinks of you. You're the man I love, that's what matters."

"Harry...I'm not very good at long term things. This is the longest I've ever been with one person...I'm just a fuck up when it comes to..."

"Don't you say that!" Harry shouted. "Don't you dare call yourself that. Tom, you're not a fuck up. You may act arrogant and self centered, but that's not who you are. You're a kind, considerate person, not to mention the best pilot in Starfleet," Harry smiled at the last part.

Tom looked away, then slowly shook his head. "Starfleet..." he chuckled sadly. "If we get back to the Alpha Quadrant any time soon, I'll probably have to go back to prison, to serve the rest of the sentence...." Tom shuddered, just at the thought.

Harry shook his head. "No, Captain Janeway wouldn't let that happen. Tom, you've served your time on Voyager, you've..."

"Harry, I fucked up big time, okay? They wouldn't care if an entire fleet of admirals beat their breasts on my behalf. I'm a fucking example Harry, I'm Thomas Eugene Paris, Gene Paris's son, I'm the one they hold up to the universe and say, you see, we give no special privileges to admiral's brats,"

Harry held both of Tom's hands, tightly. "Then I'll wait for you Tom," he searched Tom's ice blue eyes for warmth, but found none.

"Marriage is saying to the universe, this is the person I love, honor, respect. If you married me, Harry, you can kiss your Starfleet career goodbye. I'm a traitor, that's what I am, and that's what I'll always be, even after I serve my time. Do you really think that Starfleet will promote the husband of a traitor?"

"I don't care. Don't you get it Tom? You mean more to me than Starfleet, than commissions, that anything!!"

"You say that now, while you can still walk away. What's going to happen when you're waiting for me to get out of prison, when you're being denied commission after commission, in favor of cadets who aren't half as good as you. That's when you'll look at me with hate in your eyes and wonder what the hell was I thinking to marry this....this....loser."

"Tom..." Harry put his hand on Tom's shoulder, but he refused to look at him.

"That's what I'm really afraid of, Harry, that I'll screw up your life and you'll hate me. At least this way, you can still bail when we reach the Alpha Quadrant...I'll understand..."

Harry looked around at Tom's face, expecting tears, but finding none. His blue eyes were cold, dispassionate. Harry rubbed his eyes, no sense in Tom seeing *him* cry. "So, you don't want to marry me," Harry's voice was flat.

Tom turned around and looked at Harry's anguished face. He knew what it was like to be rejected, cast aside and realized that though he'd given Harry reasons why he couldn't marry, he didn't exactly say no. "I...I...Harry....I just don't know..." Tom pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around them.

Harry felt shut out, part of him wanted to leave, go back to his quarters, get into bed and cry himself to sleep; but he knew Tom well enough that such an action would trigger all his insecurities. Harry quietly undressed and got into bed, pulling the covers over him, a few seconds later, Tom joined him. He touched Harry's hair, gently, but his lover didn't respond. Tom sighed and rolled over, so his back was to Harry.

"Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight."

Tom waited a few minutes until he heard Harry's breathing become regular, and then he let out a long, hard sigh.

'Oh Harry,' Tom thought, 'if you can leave a good, beautiful, wonderful woman like Libby, how long would it take you to leave a fuck up like me?'

Then Tom shut his eyes tightly, so he wouldn't cry on the pillow.

Chakotay walked into Sandrine's and looked around. Though he saw quite a few crew members there, he couldn't see any of the senior staff. He breathed a sigh of releif; he didn't feel like socializing or engaging in idle chit-chat with anyone, including the captain. He was still quite disturbed about the strange set of feelings he had for Tom Paris. Ever since that session with his spirit guide, he couldn't get the pilot out of his mind.

Chakotay sat down at the bar, immediately a glass of Andorian ale was placed in front of him and he sipped it slowly, allowing his eyes to scan the bar. Suddenly, he caught sight of a familiar figure sitting alone, in a very dark corner. Chakotay blinked and looked again at the figure, slumped in his chair, an untouched drink in front of him. It was then he realized it was Harry Kim.

It was strange to see Harry Kim in Sandrine's, in a dark corner, alone. Chakotay was used to seeing him there, with Tom Paris, smiling, laughing, immersed in each other. Chakotay figured that maybe he was waiting for Paris. Then, Harry took a sip of his drink and bowed his head, suddenly his shoulders shook uncontrollably. What the hell....was he crying?

Chakotay then realized that for the past three days, Paris and Kim had been quite civil to each other, since returning to their normal bridge shifts. Civil. There were no secret looks, no pats on the back, no sexual tension between them, that had been there just weeks ago. He sighed, and figured the honeymoon was over, and Harry Kim was just another Tom Paris conquest. No wonder the kid was sobbing so.

The commander took a deep breath and walked over to Harry's table. The ensign was so immersed in his pain, he didn't even notice Chakotay standing over him.

"Is everything alright, Mr. Kim?"

Harry stiffened, hearing the voice. He sniffed. "Yes sir," he tried to say in a clear voice, but didn't quite make it.

"Are you sure?"

Harry Kim looked up at the commander, and Chakotay saw the bloodshot eyes and the tear stained face. "I'm fine sir."

Chakotay pulled up a chair and sat down. "You know, Mr. Kim, since there isn't a ship's counselor aboard, I've been serving in that capacity. When I was in the Maquis, the crew would look to me when there was trouble, not just as their captain...I think some of them saw me as a father, older brother, guru. In my villiage, my grandfather was the one people came to when there was a dispute to be solved...I guess that...torch if you will...has been passed along to me. It's because of that, that Captain Janeway sometimes asks me to see to the spiritual needs of crewmembers who need such guidance."

Harry sniffed again. "Sir, I appreciate you being concerned, but really, I'm fine."

Chakotay looked at the young engisn, who was staring at this drink. "Does this have something to do with Lieutenant Paris?"

Suddenly, Harry's head snapped up, and his dark eyes bore into Chakotay. "Sir, this is not Lieutenant Paris's fault, sir. Everyone always blames him for everything..." Harry put his hands over his eyes and began to sob.

Chakotay moved his chair around, so he was sitting closer to Harry. "Ensign....Harry...I'm not blaming Lieutenant Paris for anything...Did you two...have a fight or something? Harry, you can talk to me, this is off the record, nothing you say will hurt Tom, alright?"

Harry rubbed his eyes and sniffed. Chakotay took a napkin from the table and gave it to Harry so the young man could blow his nose. Then, he sighed and allowed himself to look at Chakotay.

"I...I..." he said in a whisper. "I asked Tom....to...." and then the sobbing returned, and Harry tried to fight it. "I....I asked Tom....to marry me....and....he...he said...no...."

For a second, Chakotay's heart lept with joy. Tom Paris was still a free man, but one look on Harry Kim's tortured face told him not to be so happy.

"Maybe Tom's not ready to get married. It is a big step, Harry."

Harry just shook his head. "He...said...that....I'd hate him...that...they might send him back to prison...and...I'd hate him....because....because I couldn't have a career....in ....in Starfleet...because of him...."

Chakotay was surprised that Tom Paris could be so concerned about someone else's life. He was correct, if they did get back to the Alpha Quadrant, Tom probably would have to return to prison, and that could cause problems in Harry's career.

Harry shook his head. "He...he...doesn't understand....I love him...more than anything...I don't care about Starfleet....or commissions or anything....What good are commissions if you don't have anyone you love to share them with...." Harry put the napkin to his face to sheild his tears.

Chakotay nodded sadly. "I know." He gently removed a wisp of hair out of Harry's eyes, then patted the young man's hand. He almost gasped, when he touched his skin, it was soft, like a baby's skin. Harry took the napkin from his eyes and Chakotay marvelled that Harry had the most beautiful pair of dark eyes he'd ever seen, soulful, expressive, like the eyes of a child, and yet, Harry Kim was no child. Chakotay patted Harry's hand in a fatherly manner, and found, to his dismay that he had an erection. Oh, Gods, I'm too old for this, but he's so tender, so beautiful...no wonder Tom calls him "baby".

Chakotay cleared his throat and managed to compose himself. "I think what Lieutenant Paris needs is time. I think it's a good thing that he's so concerned about your career."

Harry shook his head, sadly and sighed, the tears all gone now, his face exhausted. "It's not that, sir. Tom just....he just doesn't think...anyone should love him...that's all." He looked Chakotay in the eye and the older man shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to control his growng hardness. Chakotay could loose himself in those beautiful eyes, that soft skin. "Sir, I know you really don't like Tom, but you've always tried to give him a chance, and you've always been there when I needed you."

Chakotay cleared his throat again and rose, glad he wasn't in uniform and his condition visible to all in Sandrine's. "Time Harry, just give him time. I bet no one's ever asked Tom Paris to marry them before, he's still probably in shock. You two love each other, that's what matters."

Harry just nodded. Chakotay patted his shoulder, glad he coudn't feel that soft skin through the ensign's uniform. "You take care of yourself." Chakotay started to walk away.

"Sir?" Harry said.

Chakotay turned around.

"Thank you," Harry smiled at him, a sweet, boyish smile. Chakotay just nodded and walked out of Sandrine's without even finishing his drink.

'Shit,' he thought, 'I'm turning into a dirty old man.'

The Tellations were a proud, tough and stubborn race, who lived on an M Class planet they called Tellatia. They had no use for technology or female leaders. Voyager would not have dealt with them, had it not been for the dilithium and edible plants they posessed, and the Tellations would not have dealt with Voyager, had not one of their Sha-Ra's, or ministers got a look at Tuvok, who resembled one of their later, beloved ancestors.

The Tellations decided they'd talk to Tuvok alone; he could come to their planet, but not beam down, a shutle would be acceptable. Tom Paris volunteered to pilot the shuttle, glad to get off Voyager for awhile, and away from Harry Kim's puppy dog eyes. Though he and Harry slept together at night, they had not been intimate since Harry's proposal. Tom was always too tired, or too tense or too something. Harry was upset by Tom's apparent refusal of him, but tried to go along with it. After all, Chakotay said all Tom needed was time. One night, Harry had awakened, to hear Tom moaning in his sleep, a nightmare about prison, Harry figured. He'd rolled over on his side and taken his lover in his arms, gently stroking his hair, until the moaning stopped and his breathing softened. Harry wanted to wake Tom up right there, tell him he was going insane, that either they work this out, or he was gone; but he knew that would only make Tom more insecure and afraid.

"Mr. Chakotay, you're with Mr. Tuvok and Mr. Paris," Captain Janeway told her first officer. Chakotay agreed with a nod that didn't betray his racing heart as he stepped in the turbo lift next to Tom.

The trip to Tellatia was uneventful, Chakotay watched Tom fly the shuttle, Tom's hands seemed to caress the conn, almost making love to it. Tom had nice hands, strong, a pilot's hands. Chakotay wondered what those hands would feel like on his body. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, as he felt the beginnings of an erection.

When they arrived on planet, Tuvok changed into the appropriate garments. Chakotay smiled as the Vulcan emerged in a long burgundy robe, wearing what looked like a tiara on his head.

"You look lovely," Tom said.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "I do not think that lovely is the word to describe my appearence. I am dressed appropriately for negotiations with the Tellatian people."

Chakotay shook his head. "I'm sure you'll make a good impression, especially since they think you're some kind of reincarnation of a dead minister."

"The proper word is Sha-Ra, Commander. I am the image of a Sha-Ra, who died about a hundred Earth years ago." He gave a simple nod. "It is fortunate that I bear such a resembalance, Voyager is in need of this planet's supplies."

Three Tellatians came for Tuvok, also wearing long burgundy garments, but no tiaras on their heads.

"Hope Tuvok isn't overdressed," Tom whispered, as the Vulcan disappeared into the forest with his escort.

Chakotay avoided Tom's ice blue eyes. "Well, Mr. Paris, all we have to do now, is wait."

There wasn't much to do on Tellatia. Chakotay and Tom couldn't stray very far from the shuttle. Tuvok told them that could anger or spook the Tellatians, which could cause them to cancel the negotiations, or worse, put Tuvok's life in danger. Tom and Chakotay had enough food for about a week, which was the absolute longest the negotiations would last, according to Tuvok's calculations. The two men, took walks around the shuttle, no small feat, the daytime temperature of the planet was about 95 degrees farenheit, the nighttime temperatures were 70 degrees less. The planet's two suns were giving Tom sunburn, and he cursed his fair skin.

"I never could tan," he told Chakotay, as he took off his shirt, revealing slightly reddened skin. "Damn suns're going through the old uniform. Guess on the Alpha Quadrant, they never considered Tellatia."

Chakotay tried not too look at the younger man as he walked around their small space barechested. They'd managed to stay out of each other's way. Tom adopted his usual cocky posture, the one Chakotay hated; he was certain Tom was doing it on purpose, just to see how much he could push him. Well, at least it made Chakotay *not* want to pull the man into a passionate embrace.

Since the Tellatians forbade them to communicate with their ship, the only things they could do inside the shuttle, was eat, read and sleep. On their second day there, Tom grew tired of reading, and paced the shuttle.

"What the hell is going on out there. They could have killed Tuvok and we wouldn't know. If these people hate technology so much, why can't we communicate with Voyager?"

"They might hate technology, Mr. Paris, but that doesn't mean they're ignorant to it. It's possible they may have devices that can monitor our movements. There's no sign that anything has gone wrong with the negotiations, so all we can do is wait."

"Right," Tom said and sat on the bed.

"Let's get some sleep."

"Sure," Tom said flippantly.

Chakotay woke, sensing movement around him. He reached for his phaser, turned his head and saw the lithe figure of Tom Paris, wearing nothing but a pair of Federation regulated white boxers, staring out the window of the shuttle at the green Tellatian moons.

Tom turned, hearing Chakotay. "Hope I didn't wake you up. I couldn't sleep."

Chakotay was about to request lights, but thought better of it. "No, not really."

"I haven't been sleeping well lately."

Chakotay sighed and watched the younger man. Then, against his better judgement, he rose and stood beside Tom.

Tom turned his head and smiled. "No Commander, I don't need counseling. I know you're our de facto counselor, but I'm quite alright."

"If you say so Mr. Paris."

Tom frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Chakotay cursed himself for not keeping his mouth shut. Tom just looked so beautiful standing there, his slim, solid body was perfect, the Tellatian moons illuminated his blonde chest hairs.

"It means that I've seen a change in both you and Mr. Kim in the past week or so."

Tom sighed. "Yeah, well, things happen you know." He shrugged in a devil-may-care way.

"Mr. Paris...Tom, since you are the pilot on this mission, it's important that you get proper rest so as not to endanger Mr. Tuvok or myself, and as first officer..."

"Relax Chakotay, I won't fuck up and kill you, if that's what you're worried about." Tom grinned. "It's called the Caldik Prime Syndrome."

They were silent for a moment. Chakotay started to return to bed, when he looked again at Tom, at the way the moons had not caught his pale shoulders. He opened his mouth and waited a few seconds until he found his voice. "Tom, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, the worst thing for a counselor to do is betray a confidence, but since this concerns you...Harry Kim spoke to me."

Tom chuckled. "What did he say, Tom's being a pig again?"

Chakotay shook his head, and then softly told the younger man about their conversation, leaving out the part about Harry's soft skin and how he felt when he touched his hand.

Tom walked away from Chakotay and folded his arms across his chest, as if he were holding his defenses in place. "What the fuck did Harry want me to say, yes? Say yes and ruin his life?"

"He loves you Tom, and from what I can see, you love him too."

Tom turned around and stared at Chakotay, the commander was stunned to see pale blue eyes filling with tears. "Of course I do! That's why I said no. How far can Harry go in Starfleet with a traitor, an ex-con, for a husband! And don't tell me that I'm projecting. We *will* get home Chakotay, and Harry has his whole life ahead of him. He's got a family...a girl...Libby...he left her for me...for me Chakotay! If he left someone like her for someone like me, what do you think he'd do to me, especially when he sees I'm holding him back..."

"Tom..."

Tom waved his hand and shook his head. "Harry doesn't know the half of it Chakotay. You're probably getting a good laugh out of this," Tom wiped his eyes.

"No Tom."

Tom sat down heavily on his bed. Chakotay didn't move, just watched to see what the man would do next.

"Harry's in love with an image...he doesn't know the real Tom Paris...not like you, huh Commander?"

Chakotay didn't speak. Tom ran his hand through his hair, he looked down. "Harry knows about New Zealand but..." Tom's voice dropped to a whisper. "Harry thinks that I spent my entire sentence getting raped by one goon after another, poor Tom Paris, the admiral's son, hated by Maquis and Starfleet alike." He shook his head, then quickly looked at Chakotay, really to see if the older man was still there and Chakotay kept his eyes fixed on the ghostly figure in the bed. "When I got to New Zealand, I saw a bunch of lonely, horny men some of them were going to be in there for a real long time and I realized that a pretty face could go a long way. So, I found the toughest guy in my area, walked up to him and...I sold myself...to him...to whoever....for protection, extra food, privilages....When new prisoners would come, I'd so scout them out, find out who was weak, who was afraid...Hey Tommy boy, go sniff the new meat..." Tom wiped away the tears that were racing from his eyes. "So, there I was, Tom Paris, I didn't believe in Starfleet, or the Maquis, or family, or any fucking thing. All I believed in was me, Tom Paris."

Tom raised his head. "Can you picture Harry Kim's face if I told him that?" He looked at Chakotay, looked into his dark eyes and did not see horror, or rage or disgust. Chakotay came over and sat on the bed next to Tom.

"I am so sorry that happened to you, Tom."

Tom wiped his eyes again and Chakotay looked into his face. This was the *real* Tom Paris, without any of his defenses, emotionally naked. 'No wonder Harry loves him,' Chakotay thought.

"Tom, there are people on Voyager who care about you, who...love you..."

Chakotay wiped a strand of blonde hair from Tom's face, then slowly pressed his lips against Tom's cheek. Tom closed his eyes but didn't flinch as a muscular arm wrapped around his shoulders. Chakotay gently turned Tom's head and kissed his lips, gently. Tom groaned and turned his body toward Chakotay. Chakotay opened his mouth, inviting Tom inside, and Tom responded by sucking on the commander's tongue. Chakotay gently stroked Tom's nipples. Tom broke the kiss, and threw his head back. "Oh...yes..." he cried. Chakotay slowly pinched one nipple, then the other. Tom kissed Chakotay again and this time Chakotay sucked on his tongue and Tom pulled up the older man's tee shirt, finding his nipples and gently drawing circles around them with his fingertips. This time it was Chakotay's turn to come up for air, he gasped and panted as Tom removed his tee shirt.

Tom turned himself around so he straddled Chakotay, and the commander pulled him into an embrace. They gasped as skin met skin, their erections desperately pushed against their garments. Chakotay groaned at the sensation, it had been too damn long. He grabbed Tom's face in his hands and looked into those blue eyes, he wanted to make sure this wasn't a dream, that he was really here, with Tom Paris. Tom looked into his dark eyes and smiled, he had told his most horrible secret to the man and this was how he was responding. Tom pulled Chakotay in for a kiss and Chakotay returned it eagerly, his hands kneading Tom's back muscles, as Tom frantically tried to pull Chakotay's drawstring pants down, as well as his own boxers. Tom reached inside and felt Chakotay's testicles, big and hard...

Suddenly, both men were aware of noises comming from outside. They stopped what they were doing, and when the sounds grew louder, they pushed themselves away from each other. Chakotay tied his pants tighter and pulled his tee shirt over his head just as Tuvok entered the shuttle.

"Lights," Tuvok said.

v The lights came on and Tuvok looked from the first officer, standing barefoot in front of him, to the pilot, who was barechested, and seated on the bed, with his back to him.

"The negotiations are complete," Tuvok announced. "The dilithium and edible plants will be delivered in a few hours."

Chakotay nodded and tried to find his voice. "That's good Tuvok," he managed to say.

Tuvok looked at the disheveled condition of the two officers and realized that there was a history of tension between them. "Is there a problem?"

Tom turned around and flashed Tuvok one of his Tom Paris grins. "No,, everything's fine Tuvok, you just interrupted my beauty sleep, that's all."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "I did not realize you were so concerned about your looks. Commander, everything went smoothly, we'll leave in the morning."

"So, how were the Tellatians?" Chakotay asked, as his erection was finally starting to come down, he allowed himself a look at Tom, who had gotten into bed.

"The Tellatians are a superstious race of people who live simply, they are aware of technology but want nothing of it." He removed his tiara. "As soon as they were convinced I was not their ancestor coming to punish them for their.....sins...we were able to communicate."

Chakotay looked over at Tom, who seemed to be asleep. "I guess we'd better get some rest if we're going to be leaving tomorrow."

"You are correct," Tuvok said, looking one more time at Tom's sleeping frame. He looked at Chakotay again. "I trust you and Mr. Paris were able to amuse yourselves?"

Chakotay wondered if Tuvok could sense something. He nodded. "We managed," he said slowly.

Chakotay watched Tom's back as he piloted the shuttle back to Voyager. He hadn't said two words to him this morning. 'Damn,' Chakotay thought, 'you dirty old man...now you've really made things complicated...all I wanted was to show him that he was loved...yes...that I love him...I should have stopped myself...I'm his commanding officer...he could bring me up on charges of sexual misconduct and I wouldn't blame him...'

Tom felt Chakotay's eyes on his back and wished he was anywhere else but inside the shuttle. Damn....it was all his fault, just like it was in prison...Chakotay was older, stronger, higher on the food chain and Tom simply offered himself on a silver platter, how could Chakotay not resist? Damn, if Harry knew....Harry...what the hell was he going to tell Harry? 'I kissed Commander Chakotay, Harry...and if Tuvok hadn't come in we would have.....And Harry....I....I liked it....'

Silently Tom wished they'd crash on some planet where the inhabitants sacrificed blue eyed blondes. He'd offer himself up right there, die saving his crew mates, saving Chakotay....and Harry would never know. Those thoughts disappeared when Tom heard Captain Janeway's voice asking about the negotiations.

"Chakotay to Janeway. The negotiations were successful. Request permission to dock with Voyager."

Tom felt Chakotay behind him, felt the heat emminating from his body, felt his hand so close to his shoulder. He managed to dock smoothly despite a raging erection, then sighed deeply.

"Nice work Mr. Paris," Chakotay said.

Tom turned his head and looked into Chakotay's dark eyes, as Tuvok exited the shuttle. Tom quickly turned his eyes away.

"Yeah, don't mention it." He rose. "Don't want to be late for the briefing, sir." And Tom quickly passed Chakotay and walked out the shuttle.

Chakotay sighed, 'Gods What have I done?' He stood for awhile, as if waiting for an answer; when he received none, he straightened his uniform, and left the shuttle as well.

Tom Paris rushed out of the briefing as soon as Captain Janeway dismissed the three of them. He hadn't been listening to Tuvok's account of the Tellatians, nor had he made eye contact with Chakotay who he was certain was looking at him. Tom kept his eyes on his padd and only spoke with the captain asked him about the trip there and back. Now Tom rushed onto the turbo lift like a man posessed. He knew where he was going and what he had to do.

Tom nearly ran to Harry's quarters, he knew the ensign was still on duty, so he activated the security code and entered. Tom looked around ,half expecting Harry to be there. He walked around, picking up things, touching things he knew Harry touched. Finally, he reached the bedroom and let out a deep sigh. Tom sat on the bed, reached around his neck and took off the necklace that Harry gave to him, as a symbol of their love. He laid it gently next to him, then looked at it; he didn't deserve to wear it; he didn't deserve Harry, not after what happened.

He closed his eyes, and remembered how he felt when Chakotay touched him, kissed him. Tom had wanted the commander so badly he thought he was going to die. 'Tommy boy, you're nothing but a slut, well at least fucking the first officer is a step up.' Tom put his hands over his ears to drown out the voices screaming in his head. He had actually wanted Chakotay, wanted that big man inside him, fucking him senseless. How could he feel that way when he loved Harry?

'Because you told him your worst secret and he didn't reject you.'

'Because you're a whore Tommy, and that's all you'll ever be. A pretty face and a good body. No one's ever going to love you, at least not for more than a few hours.'

"Shut up!" Tom almost shouted to the voices. Then he heard the sound of the door opening. Harry must have sensed that someone was there, because immediately, he walked into the bedroom.

At first, Harry's eyes widened, and he smiled, seeing Tom in his bedroom, then his eyes fell on the spot next to him, where the necklace lay.

"Tom...what's..."

Tom put his hand up. "I wanted to tell you this right away. I'm sorry Harry, if I've caused you any pain. I never meant to...I mean....I really love you....I do....but...you deserve much better than me....Harry....I can't....I can't be your husband..." He looked away.

Harry gently stroked Tom's cheek. "It's okay Tom...I'm sorry if you felt I was pushing you...but...why'd you give the necklace back..."

Tom rubbed his eyes, then looked at Harry, then looked at the floor. "You deserve so much....so much better than me...I don't have anything to offer you...I'll only bring you down...I don't think we should....you know...see each other anymore..."

Harry's mouth dropped open. He sat on the bed next to Tom and held him close. "No, Tom...please...I love you....please don't leave me..."

Harry's pleas almost brought tears to Tom's eyes, but he had to maintain control, Gods only knows he'd lost it enough already. "Harry...I....I can't...I'm not good....I'm not....I...you don't know the real me Harry...the real Tom Paris..." An image of him, locked in Chakotay's arms passed through his mind. Tom quickly pushed Harry away and rose.

"Tom...I don't understand..Tom...please, we'll talk about it...Tom...I love you..."

"Harry, you don't know the real me. You're in love with a ghost, an illusion."

"No. I fell in love with Tom Paris, my best friend. You're no ghost."

Harry was making this hard. Why couldn't he just nod and say, okay or something? "You don't know what I'm like...you've had such a sheltered life..."

"This is about prison again, isnt' it? Isn't it? Tom, you forget, I was in prison too, with you."

"You were in prison for a heartbeat Harry! Don't pretend to understand! Things happened to me in there." Now Tom was facing the wall.

Harry rose and put his hand on Tom's shoulder. "Please Tom, let me in. I know that bad things happened to you...with all those men..."

Tom shut his eyes tightly. 'Stop it Harry, stop making me the goddamn victim...stop feeling sorry for me..."

"Stop it Harry, just stop it! You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" Tom turned and looked into Harry's face, blue eyes, blazing with fury, Harry took a step backward.

"You want to know about prison, Harry, I'll tell you! When I got there, I looked around and you know what I saw? I saw a bunch of brutal, violent and lonely men, and I reazlied that a pretty face could go a long, long way...so I bent over and let them fuck me!!! Anyone who had something I wanted, I did whatever they wanted, they wanted to fuck me raw, fine, they wanted me to suck them off, jerk them off, fine. As long as they met my price!" Tom wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, as he was spitting.

"No!" Harry said.

"Yes Harry. What the fuck did I have? Starfleet didn't want me, the Maquis didn't want me, my fucking father didn't want me. Everyone in that place hated me, hated that I was an admiral's brat who had all the breaks and threw them away! So, I just bent over and said, hey, that doesn't matter in here, I'll be your bitch, fuck me!"

"Stop it Tom!" Harry's eyes filled with tears.

But Tom was too far gone to stop. "And you know what else I did, baby...I used to scout out the new prisoners, see which ones were weak, scared...with no friends...then I'd pretend to be their friends...pretend to protect them, and then, I'd deliver them to whoever wanted them, other detainees, guards..." Tom looked deep into Harry's eyes, and Harry saw a look he'd never seen before in Tom, the look of a predator. "And if you'd been in that prison, I would've sold you too, just so someone else could get fucked that night." Tom walked to the doorway, waiting for Harry to scream at him, throw him out. "So that's the real Tom Paris baby..." Without another word, Tom stormed out Harry's quarters.

Still sobbing, Harry sat back on the bed and lovingly picked up the necklace, he kissed it and held it tightly. "Oh...Tom...what did they do to you..." he lay on his side and cried until he couldn't cry anymore.

Captain Kathryn Janeway shuddered. Strange, it wasn't cold on the bridge, the enviornmental controls were in place. She looked around and realized the reason for her reaction; there was an icy tension in the room you could slice with a phaser. Janeway had heard through the ship's rumor mill that Harry Kim and Tom Paris broke up. They were both on the bridge today, both composed, professional. But Janeway saw, more than a few times, the young ensign look up at the back of the pilot's head, then quickly look down. Gods, she was used to them *both* on the bridge at the same time, she'd hate to think she'd have to re- assign one of them.

Janeway then noticed that Commander Chakotay was also looking up, first at Tom, then Harry, then back at Tom again. His hands clenched the seat's arm. 'Gods, what was going on?'

She rose and turned sharply towards her ready room. "Commander, in my ready room please."

Chakotay stole one more look at Tom, before following the captain. He'd heard the rumors too, had tried to talk to Tom about it, but was rebuffed every time, until he cornered the young man in the turbo lift. Deciding that this was probably going to be his only chance, the first officer halted the turbo lift and turned to the leiutenant.

"I just want to know, Paris...did you break up with Kim because of what happened between us...because if I caused that..."

Tom just chuckled. "Gee Commander, you flatter yourself. Though I must say that the experience was...rewarding..." He was in smart-ass mode, defenses in place. "It wasn't your fault at all, sir, you were just taking what...was there...Harry and I have just gone our seperate ways, that's it."

Chakotay knew Tom was lying, but there was no way to break through his defenses.

"I think you'd better start this up again, sir, people might get suspicious," and Tom gave him one of those smart ass little grins.

Now Captain Janeway stood in front of him, arms crossed. Chakotay stood, hands behind his back.

"Yes, Captain," he said.

She looked as if she were about to lecutre, then sighed and shook her head. "I make it a point not to get involved in the private lives of crewmembers, and I beleive that's a good rule to stick by; but when the tension's so thick on the bridge that I can feel it, I don't feel I can ignore it anymore."

"You mean Engisn Kim and Leiutenant Paris?"

"And you."

Chakotay felt as if he'd been slapped. Gods, could she see too?

"I know you have a special affection for Harry Kim, we all do, but I think you see yourself in him, what you were when you were young...and as for Tom Paris? On the surface, it seems you dislike him intensely but underneath that, I think you admire him; I know he admires you, and Engisn Kim admires you too."

Gods, she *could* see. "Yes Captain."

"Chakotay," she put a firm hand on his shoulder, "I need all of you on the bridge, just remember that."

"Yes Captain."

Janeway nodded. "Dismissed." Chakotay watched as she strode in front of him, and as the bridge doors open, he caught a flash of Tom Paris's blue eyes, staring at him, but when he tried to meet those eyes, Tom looked away.

B'Elanna Torres seriously considered the legal and moral ramifications of locking Tom and Harry in a Jeffries Tube, or a shuttle, for a few hours, so they could either settle their differences, or kill each other. She was getting very sick of Harry Kim coming to her quarters every night, staying for dinner, crying, saying he couldn't sleep without Tom and that he didn't want to be alone.

"You were alone for over two years, Starfleet," B'Elanna protested. At least Harry could allow her to comfort him, in her bed, but all he wanted to do was hold that silly necklace and cry on her sofa. Damn, If anyone even *thought* about starting a relationship with her, they would have thought she was involved with Harry Kim, the least he could do was play the part better.

"He doesn't love me anymore..." Harry sobbed.

B'Elanna put her arm around his shoulders. "Harry, Tom's just...confused...frankly, I'm surprised you two lasted this long."

"What do you mean?" Harry said, angrily.

B'Elanna wanted to say that her first impression of Tom was that he was a pig, but she knew that would only anger Harry, who even now wanted to protect his ex-lover's name. "I mean that he's been through a lot..."

Harry nodded. He hadn't told B'Elanna the things Tom told him about prison. It would be a betrayal to ever speak of those things with another person, and every time Harry thought about them, he wanted to vomit.

"I shouldn'tve asked him to marry me...I pushed him...oh, B'Elanna, it's all my fault...why did I have to push Tom like that..?"

"Push him? You were telling the guy that you love him and you wanted a permanent commitment. I don't see anything wrong with that. Not your fault Paris couldn't handle it."

Harry ran his hand through his hair. "I just wish I knew what I did B'Elanna."

She shook her head. "When you proposed and he said no, things got tense but you guys were still together...it wasn't until he came back from Tellatia that I started to notice...."

Harry didn't hear the rest of what B'Elanna had to say, he raised his head and his mind began to churn. Tellatia. What happened on Tellatia? Tuvok was negotiating with the Tellatians and Tom and Chakotay were in the shuttle waiting...Chakotay....he'd told Chakotay about the proposal and Tom's refusal. 'Shit, Chakotay hates Tom. He probably told Tom he was worthless a traitor, a coward, he probably told him to break up with me, that I'd be better off' Though Harry's reason tried to tell him that Chakotay was a professional, that he'd never betray a confidence and never let personal opinions interfere with his judgement, his feelings told him otherwise. 'They were there for three days Harry, alone. What do you think they talked about?'

"Hey, Starfleet, where're you going?" B'Elanna said as Harry jumped to his feet.

Harry wiped the tears from his eyes. "To find the truth." He leaned over and gave B'Elanna a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for everything." With that, he rushed out her quarters.

"Don't mention it," B'Elanna said, shaking her head.

Harry stopped in front of B'Elanna's door and took a deep breath, then he looked at the necklace, still in his hand. "I'm going to find out the truth," he whispered. Then he took another deep breath and headed for the first officer's quarters.

"Enter," the first officer's voice said.

Harry Kim walked inside and was stunned for a moment. The lights were down low and when he looked around, he saw Chakotay, clad in a long, dark green robe, seated cross legged on the sofa.

Harry, stood at attention, wondering if he should be in here at all.

Chakotay smiled and rose, Harry saw he was barefoot as well, and the robe covered his knees; his calves were large and muscular. "Don't worry, Ensign, you weren't interrupting. I'd just finished meditating."

Harry put his hands behind his back and tried to find the right words, without committing some kind of offense. "Sir...um..."

Chakotay looked at the young man and had a deep feeling in his gut about why he was here. "Go ahead."

"Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Go ahead Ensign."

Harry took a deep breath, then looked into Chakotay's eyes. "What did you say to Tom...I mean Leiutenant Paris sir?"

"What did I say to him?"

"Yes sir, on the away mission, to Tellatia...when you were alone for those three days."

Chakotay looked down. "What makes you think I said anything to him?"

"Because Tom was different when he came back...he...broke up with me right after he returned..." now Harry was fighting back both anger and tears.

For a moment, Chakotay didn't speak. He wasn't sure how to begin, what was worse, that he betrayed a trust, or that he'd fallen in love with Tom Paris.

When Chakotay didn't respond, Harry looked down. He'd been a fool, and hoped the first officer didn't press charges or something. "I'm sorry, sir." Harry turned to go.

"No Harry, it's me who should be sorry."

Now Harry turned around. Chakotay sighed. "Harry...when we were on Tellatia, Tom was very agitated, he couldn't sleep, not the best condition for a pilot. I told him that you came to me and told me how upset you were, that he refused your proposal." Harry's eyes went wide, but he said nothing. "I know, I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry. Then Lieutenant Paris...Tom, started saying that it was for the best, that he wasn't good enough for you...that he'd only hold you back, he told me about what happened to him in prison, about what he'd done, what he became."

Now Harry was stunned. "He told you that?" Why would Tom tell something like that to a man he believed hated him?

Chakotay nodded. "And then...I...I just looked into his eyes and I saw all that pain, I saw the real Tom Paris, not the one he shows to the public. I realized that all this time when I thought I hated him...I really loved him...the next thing I knew we were kissing...that's all that happened...nothing further." Chakotay didn't think it was necessary to tell Harry that only Tuvok's entrance stopped them from taking it further.

Harry felt like his feet were made of stone. He wanted to run out of the room, screaming, but all he could do was look into Chakotay's eyes. Tom told Chakotay that awful secret and Chakotay gave Tom love, when all Harry could do was sit and stare in disbelief. "I...I feel like I should hate you...or challenge you to a fight or a duel or something...but I can't...I can't..."

Chakotay wasn't sure if it would be a good time, but he put his arms around the ensign and pulled him close. Harry lay his head on Chakotay's shoulder, his arms wrapped around the massive waist when suddenly he felt a stirring inside of him; he began to cry and Chakotay held him closer. Harry shut his eyes and felt very comfortable and safe in the large, warm embrace. Good Gods, I love him too.

Chakotay sighed. "I think that we should do something about Mr. Paris, before he drives us both insane."

Harry looked up into Chakotay's face, the older man ran his fingers through the ensign's hair and found himself loosing all sense of reason, looking into those soulful brown eyes.

"Yes," Harry said, smiling broadly, "I was going to suggest the same thing."

Chakotay stepped away from Harry and tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay to Paris," he said sternly.

"Paris here sir."

"Mr. Paris, we need to speak about your recent bridge performance. Come to my quarters at 2100 hours."

"Sir, is there anything wrong?"

"No Mr. Paris, just be there on time. Chakotay out."

Harry nodded and smiled. "That was good."

Tom Paris straightened his uniform and wondered why the hell Chakotay wanted to talk to him, in private about his performance. When he'd received the message, he was afraid for a moment that Chakotay wanted to talk to him about what happened on Tellatia, but there was nothing in the commander's voice to suggest that the meeting would be anything but professional. Tom wondered if the first officer noticed he hadn't been as alert as he normally was. He hadn't been sleeping well, or eating well, or doing anything except his job. 'Gods, don't let him take that away from me too.'

"Come in," the first officer said. Tom took a deep breath and walked inside, Chakotay stood in front of him and next to him stood Harry Kim.

"Computer, activate privacy lock," Chakotay said.

Tom's eyes widened. He looked from Chakotay to Harry and had a feeling this wasn't about any kind of evalutation.

"Harry," Tom tried to sound light, "good to see you here...for this..." Tom searched his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Sit down Tom," Chakotay said.

It wasn't proper protocol to sit when a superior officer stood. He opened his mouth to protest, but Chakotay gently pushed him on the sofa. For a second, Tom was afraid, were they going to gang up on him? Beat him up?

Harry folded his arms across his chest. "This has gone on long enough Tom."

"What? What are you talking about, Harry?"

"This," Chakotay said, "this Tom Paris devil may care, to hell with the world, I'm unloveable bullshit. We know it's bullshit and so do you."

Tom managed to stand before his accusers. He turned to Harry. "Harry, I love you, I just want to save you from pain, from a life of regret." He looked at Chakotay. "You know what I really am."

"I know you're a man who desperately needs love and hides behind a mask and has one night stands so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings," Chakotay said.

"I'm a whore, that's what I am," Tom said between his teeth. "I almost fucked him," he said to Harry, pointing at Chakotay.

"We almost made love, Tom, not because you were selling something to me, but because of what you felt."

Tom shook his head. "You both don't know what I'm like...you'll leave me when you find out...Harry...you left Libby...and she was good...."

Harry sighed. "I loved Libby, but Tom...I've never felt for anyone, *anyone* the way I feel for you. I'll love you both forever." Then he smiled, "and we both know what you're like," Harry advanced on Tom.

"Besides, how do we know you won't leave us? It's called taking a chance," Chakotay pulled Tom to him, and kissed him passionately on the mouth. Tom stiffened. What the...Harry was right there...how could he...The next sensation he had was Harry's body, pressing against his back, his erection against his behind, Harry kissed Tom's neck and ear lobes, while Chakotay kissed Tom's eyelids, cheek, nose, lips. All thoughts of protest vanished from Tom's brain.

Slowly the two men undressed Tom, kissing, biting, caressing each new patch of exposed flesh. Tom threw his head back and gasped in estasy, he didn't know who was touching him, who was kissing him, just felt the warmth of two muscular embraces and sank down into the sensation. He was aware that his hands were undoing the seals of one uniform, then another, he felt boots being kicked off. He leaned forward and kissed Harry, then turned his head and kissed Chakotay, then both Harry and Chakotay kissed Tom's mouth at the same time, their three tongues merging together, as the confines of clothes disappeared, and Tom felt warm flesh on his body.

"Mmmm," was all Tom could say as he felt himself literally being lifted off his feet and caried somewhere. He opened his eyes and saw the bed, the first officer's bed was quite larger than his own, with three pillows piled on top of each other. Harry pulled Tom close and kissed his mouth and Tom greedily sucked Harry's tongue as their erections touched. Chakotay leaned back against the pillows and watched them, sitting on the edge of the bed. He pulled Tom to him, kissing his ear, and neck roughly, Harry followed kissing Tom's mouth, sucking on his nipples.

Tom gasped, then looked behind him and caught Chakotay's mouth, Chakotay's tongue went in and out of Tom's mouth like a mad snake. Tom blinked and reazlied he was almost in Chakotay's lap, he felt the first officer's hard nipples against his chest, felt his erection against his behind, and realized how large the man was. Tom wiggled his behind so he could feel him, and that was when Harry moved forward and straddled him, putting his arms around his neck.

Chakotay reached over and put some lubricant on his fingers, and then slowly moved one finger, then two into Tom's anus. Tom gasped, as the lubricant was slick and warm. "Oh...yes...yes..." he moaned. Chakotay rubbed some lubricant on his own penis, then he leaned over and licked Tom's shoulder. Tom threw his head back, and Harry kissed his mouth.

Chakotay was breathing in Tom's ear. "If it hurts, I'll stop...okay..." his breathing was ragged and he doubted he could keep that promise. Tom could only nod in respond, words seemed useless now.

Then, Chakotay lay back on the pillows, taking Tom with him and since Tom was holding Harry, he went with them as well. Chakotay positioned himself carefully, replacing his finger with his penis, slowly, gliding all the way inside. Tom threw his head back and gasped, but not in pain, just the unbelieveable feeling of being filled up. Then, Harry moved up and lay against Tom, so their erections were touching. Tom shut his eyes tightly as Chakotay began to slowly move inside of him and Harry just as slowly moved his hips against Tom's erection. Tom dug his nails in Harry's arms, he felt a bite on his neck, then Chakotay wrapped his legs around Tom's waist as his slow strokes continued.

Somewhere in the back of Tom's mind, the voice sounded: 'You don't deserve this Tommy boy, you don't deserve this pleasure' Yes he did...yes he did...This was not like anything Tom had ever experienced....it wasn't like prison where he sold himself for better privilages, or light duty, or whatever he wanted. He was giving himself freely to two men he loved, and they were giving themelves to him.

Chakotay began to move harder and faster inside Tom and Harry took the cue and did the same. Tom felt Chakotay's hands grip his arm and he knew the older man was holding back, holding back because he didn't want to hurt him...didn't want to hurt him because he loved *him*, Tom Paris.

"Oh....fuck me...harder...." Tom moaned.

That was all Chakotay needed to hear, he groaned and pumped wildly inside Tom, Tom felt his hot uneven breath on his neck and Harry's movements became more frenzied as well. Tom was close, very close, and he knew both men were as well. Tom slammed his hips backward to meet Chakotay's thrusts and then forward to meet Harry's.

Tom felt the madness approaching, it was so close he could taste it, he wondered if Harry and Chakotay felt it too. Tom opened his eyes and saw Harry's eyes tightly shut, as his body began to stiffen. Tom gasped, closed his eyes and dug his nails into Harry's back. Oh..yes...almost there...almost there...

Then, Tom shouted something unintelligble and bucked his hips involuntarily as he came all over Harry's stomach. "Oh God!" Harry cried, and came all over Tom's stomach and chest. The muscles in Tom's anus contracted and massaged Chakotay's penis and that was all he needed to take him over the edge. He leaned over and bit Tom savagely on the shoulder as he came.

Tom felt Chakotay's release fill him, he felt Harry's on his chest and his own on Harry's stomach. "I love you! I love you both!" Tom cried out before everything went black.

When Tom blinked, he found himself lying on the pillows and two pairs of dark eyes, staring, with concern at him. Both Harry and Chakotay sighed and shook their heads.

"You gave us a scare Paris," Chakotay said.

"Yeah, would've hated to call the doctor about that one," Harry said.

"How long was I out?"

"Only a couple of seconds," Chakotay kissed his forehead, moved to Tom's right and lay on his side.

"I'm sorry...I guess...it's never been...I never...." Tom said.

Harry winked at him and moved to Tom's left. "You were beautiful."

Chakotay smiled. "You were both beautiful."

Tom could only lay flat on his back, every muscle in his body ached, but the aches felt good, like how he felt after a good workout, but this was much *more* than just a workout. "I can't move," Tom said.

"Then don't, just like there...sleep," Chakotay kissed his forehead.

Harry kissed his shoulder. "You have a right to be tired love."

Chakotay and Harry moved closer to Tom and threw their arms and legs across the leiutennant's body, af if protecting him from an unseen enemy. Tom closed his eyes, still wondering if this was a wonderful dream, and when he woke up tomorrow, he'd be alone again.

Chakotay kissed Tom's eyelids. "Tom, when you were in prison, both the Maquis and Starfleet hated you, but now...."

"We both love you Tom," Harry said.

Tom blinked so they wouldn't see his tears of joy. He kissed Chakotay's lips, then Harry's. He pulled their arms closer to him and nestled against both bodies.

"I love you, both of you," Tom whispered.

Then, for the first time, in what seemed like an enternity, Tom Paris had a peaceful night's sleep.

B'Elanna Torres looked up, surprised to see Captain Janeway standing in front of her. The captain only came down to engineering when there was a problem, and right now, there were no problems.

"Captain," was all she could manage to get out.

Janeway smiled. "Sometimes it's good to visit crew members, just to see how they are. Why wait for a crisis?"

B'Elanna smiled. "And I thought you were comming down here for the pool."

Janeway looked confused. B'Elanna cleared her throat, wondering if she should say anything. "I'm sure you've heard about the ship's pool?"

"Oh, that. Taking bets to see how long our favorite trio will last. They seem to be doing quite well."

B'Elanna tried not to look too embarrassed, "Six months, I'm surprised they've lasted this long." Janeway looked down at her. B'Elanna sighed. "I mean, it's hard enough for two people to keep a relationship, going, I can't imagine three..."

Janeway smiled. "One thing's certain, the bridge is a more serene place since that relationship began. I think Chakotay is keeping both of them in line."

B'Elanna smiled at the image. "I'm sure he is captain."

Tom Paris felt as if his knees were about to buckle, damn Chakotay and his ideas, but it felt so good...so good. Tom was standing, sanwhiched between Chakotay and Harry. Harry was behind him, pumping frantically into his body, Chakotay was facing him, and the two men were grinding their erections together in time to Harry's rhythm. Tom knew he'd fall if he didn't have Chakotay's and Harry's bodies to keep him up. Harry's nails dug into Tom's shoulder, until they drew blood, and Chakotay sucked his tongue so hard that Tom was afraid he'd suck it out of his mouth. Tom's arms were around Chakotay's waist as he pumped forward to meet Chakotay's thrust, and backwards to meet Harry's.

'If one of us falls it'll be like...like..." then all rational thought disappeared from his brain, they were getting closer, closer. Harry's body suddenly stiffened, then his hips bucked wildly as he came, shouting, screaming. The vibrations went from Harry's body, through Tom's and slammed into Chakotay. Chakotay growled as he thrust into Tom's body, leaning over and biting Tom on the neck and reaching over and gripping Harry's arm as he came violently. Tom, feeling the sensations all around him, the warm wetness on his stomach, running down his legs, he was almost there, almost....Tom threw his head back, Harry hungrily kissed his mouth and Chakotay thrust once more against him. Tom felt an explosion behind his eyes, it felt as if his head was about to explode and he came shuddering, thrashing against both Chakotay and Harry, as both men held on to him to keep from from falling.

When the three of them were able to breath and move again, they lay down on Chakotay's bed; Chakotay on his back, Tom lay his head on his chest, and Harry's head was on Tom's back.

"When does one of you get to be in the middle?" Tom said in a small voice as he listened to Chakotay's heart slow down to a normal beat.

Chakotay ran his hand through Tom's hair. "When you realize how much you're loved, Tom Paris."

Harry squeezed Tom's waist. "And we do love you."

"I love you...both of you..." Tom sighed, "It doesn't get any better than this," he whispered.

The next thing Tom felt was Harry move off him, Tom and Chakotay turned to see Harry putting on his pants. Tom leaned back against the pillows and smiled, Chakotay leaned on one arm and frowned.

"Where're you going, Harry?"

Harry shook his head. "Nowhere," he said. Harry looked at his two lovers, then cleared his throat and got down on one knee.

"This looks familiar," Tom grinned, then he looked back at Chakotay, "don't worry Cha, you're going to like this."

Harry took Tom and Chakotay's hands in his. "Tom, Cha, I'm so happy...I've never been so happy in my life and I want to know...if...if you'll both be my husbands."

Tom giggled. Chakotay just stared at him. Then Tom raised his head and looked at Harry. "Yeah, Harry," he said.

Chakotay frowned, then chuckled and nodded. "We'll need a bigger bed."

THE END

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