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If you love something, set if free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...you either married it, or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget about all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, everyone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my phone number and my keys. But, you have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She now has 14 kids, but doesn't really care.
The trouble with women is they get all excited about nothing, then they
marry him.
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. That's my idea of a perfect day!
Do not walk behind me, for I will not lead. Do not walk in front of me, for I will not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's paper, do it then.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember, you're unique. Just like everyone else.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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