1) First but foremost, don't talk about the subject!  If you're hunched over the coffee pot at work and your coworker asks if you watched the UFO special on TV the previous night, plead ignorance and say you were watching the Gilligan's Island reruns.  If you are forced to make a statement, say something like "well, some say 
there may be something to this stuff, but I don't know...."  Kind of roll your eyes back in your head and laugh nervously.  But don't say any more, because if you do, someone else might get the idea that YOU BELIEVE!  (To believe is a fate worse than being caught in a time warp dancing cheek-to-cheek with Richard Nixon on top of the big desk in the Oval Office with all your friends watching and laughing hysterically and knowing that it's true.....Dick is a GOOD dancer.) 

2) Don't join any organizations that purport to be actively studying the UFO mystery.  If they dare to suggest that there may be a reality in the thousands of worldwide reports from pilots, housewives, retail clerks, farmers, psychologists, doctors, the young and the old just drop `em flat.  Don't contribute any money, and heavens don't  give `em any of your time.  99.9% of all the organizations investigating UFO's depend totally on member support.  No members-no support.  It's that simple.  Don't give `em anything and they can't exist.  If they don't exist, we've won.  There won't be anyone to challenge the "party line (see #3)."  Better yet, if you gotta join  something and the bowling league is filled, join CSICOP.  You can surround yourself with such good people as Philip Klass or Joe Nichol, who rarely have to interview a witness to a paranormal event before making a pronouncement because after all, they know what's "going on," and they know what they are going to find before they find it.  A witness might just mess up "the facts."  Don't worry, we have suitable patriots infiltrating most of the UFO and paranormal groups, and we won't let `em get too far spreading their swill about alien abductions of our children and the like. 

3) Don't read any books or magazines that have articles about UFO's. Don't encourage people around you to read `em either, because if you can keep `em dumb and stupid, they'll go on believing the "party line."  You know which party line I'm talking about, don't you?  Stand up while you read this and repeat after me, with your hand held over your heart and your eyes suitably glazed over.  Ready.....?  "THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS UFO's...AND ANYONE REPORTING A UFO IS A CRACKPOT, WEIRDO, 
COMMIE-LOVING LIBERAL, PERVERT ALCOHOLIC DRUG TAKING SCHIZOPHRENIC WACKO  PEROT BELIEVER." 

4) Never, I repeat, NEVER ask anybody important (anybody important is someone that pays good money to have their shirts professionally laundered) questions in public about the UFO subject or about the paranormal.  Especially politicians, or more importantly, politicians that you helped get elected by either not voting, or by not voting for the other folks.  Always ask `em really deep questions like "Are you going to raise taxes?"  If we can just keep the UFO questions out of the public arena, we have won the game.  By not telling your elected officials your concerns about UFO's or the paranormal, you'll never endanger yourself or them with a possible violation of the "party line."  Of course if you're with me here, you really don't have any concerns anyhow.  Don't elect anyone who is a "free thinker."  Keep electing the folks who will listen to reason (...the "party line"). Keep the professional politicians going back into office year after year after year, because it's the way it's always been.  And it's worked for the last 50 years or so. 

5) If you ever hear anyone in your immediate vicinity talking about the UFO subject or the paranormal, point your finger at `em and burst out laughing.  Tell `em you're going to call the people wearing the white coats to take `em away.  Try to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible.  A bunch of half-baked loonies...like they expect us to take them seriously.  Let `em know real quick that no one in the world will listen to them or take the subject seriously.  After all, you don't, and you're happy, aren't you?  (The scar on my calf is nothing. I probably got it playing football.  Those defensive tackles really can gouge a guy up.) 

6) Attempt to keep any and all discussion of UFO or paranormal subjects out of the public and private schools.  Remember that before we adults can "mold their little minds (I heard this exact phrase years ago from an adoring father of two children)," kids can be freethinkers, and that's dangerous.  Try to impress on your children and the children of 
others at the very earliest age possible that they should always believe everything that our government and military tells `em.  Always conform, don't rock the boat and never ask silly questions.  And never ask silly questions that might reflect back on the parent and the lack 
of "proper values" that didn't get instilled at an early age.  Point out to the kids that after all, if there was anything to this UFO business, the press would have been all over this stuff a long time ago.  Anyone knows the government can't keep a secret, so we can't be expected to believe for one minute that factions within our elected or appointed government have little gray men!  Or, that the biggest secret in the history of this planet is being kept.  Come on now! Take as your litany the phrase made popular by a best-selling beer manufacturer: "Why ask why?"  There is nothing at all to get all steamed up about....trust me. 

7) Ridicule anything you read in the press, or any comments favorable to the study of the UFO subject or the paranormal by broadcast media. Let `em know that there are more important issues facing us.  Any issue will do.  Take as an example the ABC Nightline program in 1983 that was going to feature an interview with the late Dr. J. Allen 
Hynek on UFO's.  Thank goodness at the last possible minute someone in authority at ABC made the right decision (do you remember "War of the Worlds?").  With Dr. Hynek seated in the ABC affiliate in Omaha, NE, Nightline switched the show's focus at the last minute to another subject far more important that the UFO subject, thus averting the potential UFO "riot-in-the-streets" scenario.  What was it, you say?  It was the Greyhound bus strike.  So don't give the UFO crazies an inch of favorable coverage.  If ever in doubt, remember the "party line."  By Jove, I think you've got it! 

8) Let's just say for example that you know someone who purports to have had a "close encounter" experience (estimates are now of possibly one in fifty having had some sort of crazy wacko UFO experience). Convince `em that there is just a little problem with their internal hardwiring in their brains.  A little medication, a little therapy to resolve angst over father-mother stuff and they'll be in good shape in no time, and more importantly they won't be talking about UFO's (with the appropriate amounts of drugs or alcohol, they won't be walking, talking or doing much of anything).  Furthermore, there are ALWAYS mundane explanations for someone's half-baked memories of UFO contact, or worse yet, contact with occupants of UFO's.  Never mind that the mundane explanations are sometimes far stranger and much more twisted than the possibility of alien contact.  Just look `em right in the eyes and say, "Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that garbage, do you?"  Let `em know that no one in their right mind will listen to their tall tales.  Certainly not us! 

9) If this talk about UFO's or the paranormal still bugs you after reading all the above, here's a simple cure: get religion.  Not just any old religion.  You've got to get one that will make you feel bad about your UFO or paranormal experiences.  You've got to feel bad so you can feel good.  This UFO stuff...."it's the devil's business." If you just change your ways and become a God-fearing person (put your tithe right here) the poor old devil will just leave you alone.  So you've got to get a religion that discourages thinking.....thinking about UFO's or the paranormal, and encourages you to view any subject that is not fully understood as suspicious and to be fearful of. Never mind all the references in the Christian Bible to events that bear a marked similarity to UFO accounts, to ground traces and to spectacular lights seen in the skies.  Or, for that matter, to many other sacred texts that mention accounts involving what we might  possibly call UFO's...that is, of course, if we believed in UFO's. 

10) With all this said, if you yourself ever have a way-out, wild UFO or paranormal experience, just call up one of your buddies in CSICOP & they'll set your right.  They'll tell you what you did and didn't see and assure you that it's a normal reaction brought about by too little sleep, too much coffee and an overactive imagination. I hear that the same flocks of geese that confused veteran UFO  researchers with spectacular UFO (ha-ha-ha, read "geese" here) overflights for years have flown indoors and are being seen in bedrooms all across America.  Just disregard those "visitor" tall tales.  A lot of talk about nothing, just silly old Mother Goose stories.  So, if you have any problems after "your" imaginary paranormal experience, a little therapy or perhaps a serious alcohol or drug addiction and you won't even think about those weird memories.  At least you won't think about them a lot.  And never mind those silly repetitious dreams about imaginary encounters with the little grey guys.  Just keep repeating to yourself as you pour another glass for medicinal purposes, "This is just in my head and it's really not happening."  See, you're feeling better already, aren't you?  Never mind the time you woke up in the middle of the night and you were in the backyard with the house deadbolted from the inside.  Disregard all your natural senses that something fishy is going on and just get on with your life.  Straighten up those shoulders and fly right!  Grow up-be mature!  Raise your family and mold their little minds, and when they come to you with their nightmares about little men in their bedrooms and the nosebleeds that you also had as a kid, just remember that it's happening all across this country and it's as "apple pie and flag-waiving right" as anything else in this great land.  After all, you want to be patriotic, don't you?