“Your not retired” said Megara, stifling a yawn. Her husband had been up all night for the past few nights, noticing stuff he never had time to notice before. It was pretty exciting for him, but not too enjoyable to her.
But, still Hercules was her husband, this was one of those things she was going to have to get used to.
“Go to sleep” she begged.
“Okay, okay” Hercules said condescendingly. “I’m sorry Meg I haven’t been putting your interests at heart. I won’t star gaze every single night from now on .”
“Good” she said and lay down on the bed. “ Just every odd numbered night” said Hercules with a smile.
Before falling asleep Megara threw a pillow at him.
Late that beautiful star studded night, two little kids were having a lot of trouble.
“ Come on, the treasurey is this way” said a fat chubby kid, pointing down the western hallway.
“ No it’s not” said the skinny one, trying to walk the other way “ that one leads to the goat’s bedroom, this hallway leads to the treasurey.”
“Does not” said Panic.
“Does to” said Pain.
“Does not times MVIII!”
“Does to times MXVV!”
“ Hey” shouted a surly, but vaguely goat like, voice from the western hallway “you kids shaddup and go back home, Herc is signin’ autographs tomorrow.”
“ Sorry Mister goat man, Sir we just wanted to see The Great Grand Hercules for ourselves. He’s our idol you know” said Panic in a innocent child’s voice as he shot Pain a triumphant glance.
The goat’s voice chuckled. “That’s real cute” he said “and by the way MY NAME IS PHIL” Phil roared.
As Phil went back to bed Pain and Panic could here him mutter “ what a stupid next generation. Can’t even try to remember the name of the guy who made a muscle bound kid become their idol.”
“Okay” Pain whispered back at him “ maybe we should go down the eastern hallway.”
Panic grinned as they tromped down the hallway, dragging between them a large sack. At the end of the room were two big oak doors with a huge keyhole.
“Well, looks like something pretty important must be kept in here, eh?” Pain grinned evilly at Panic.
“Yah” his compatriot answered, “something like treasure.”
The two children slipped the sack under the door, then turned into flies and entered the room.
The room glittered with gold. There was also a large assortment of other things, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, topaz, crystal glasses, pearl necklaces and other wondrous things.
“ Pain” asked Panic without even taking his eyes off of the goodies before him “can we take some of this stuff for ourselves?”
“Sure” Pain nodded enthusiasticaly. The two demons both dove into the many piles of gems and began stuffing things in the sack.
“Okay we got your basic gold, ohhh those necklaces look nice. And lets see, those rubies look tantalizing to. And don’t forget the opal encrusted vase, that’s gotta be worth something in the market today......”
“ I feel like singing” shouted Panic hugging a quartzite mouse standing on two legs with big ears. (Music comes on in the background)
The Pain and Panic Song
Pain:We are just a bunch of idiots but were real smart ones though we came up with a great plan that’s gonna rock the sho-o-o-o-o-ow
(Panic choruses in) sho-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhhw
Panic: We are the greatest and most wonderful guys in history
Why we aren’t surrounded by pretty women is a mystery (Pain gives Panic a disgusted look. Panic grins guiltily)
Together:We really are quite interesting, you should get to know us well
Even though were petty co-stars we think were really swell
Swe-e-e-e-e -e-llllll
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(music speeds up)
I’m Pain
I’m Panic
We really are quite wonderful
Even if we can’t rule the Underworld
I know were getting quite annoying, we’ve been singing a bit too long
About just how cool we are
But that’s the theme of our so-o-o-ong
(while singing they are trying on jewlery, running through, and popping out of, piles of gold, looking at themselves in a mirror)
(slow Broadway style ending)
We are awesomely flexible, really collectable
(Shown playing with little dolls of themselves)
Constantly stupid and time wasting comedy relief
But there ‘s nothing you can about
TH-A-A-A-AT
No nothing, nothing at all!
Ba Dum Ba Ba Dum Bu-um
“Hey, what’s going on in there” shouted a voice. Pain and Panic gasped,
“Hercules!”
“That’s right, you robbers, now let me in.”
“ What are we going to do?” whimpered Panic. The oak doors shuddered.
“ I can get in here easily you know” Hercules said “just come along quietly and I won’t have to hurt you.”
“We need the money” Pain said, his mind racing “so we’d better ram down those doors and run faster than Iris.”
Pain and Panic both turned into two small ponies, and, dragging the heavy sack along with them, charged strait for the door. The ponies hit the door with full force, knocking Hercules off balance.
As the two demon/ponies turned the corner, the bulging bag whammed Hercules in the head ( he had been trying to get up at the time) causing him to lose conciousness and suffer three nasty wounds on the head.
Meanwhile Pain and Panic just kept on running, out of the palace and far into the hills surrounding Thebes.
Dimertris was walking along the street, trying to remember what his wife had told him to by at the market place again.
“Pears, olives, apricot juice....” he mumbled to himself. All of a sudden, out of an alley way popped two strange figures.
They were two kids, one was chubby and had curly brown hair, the other had blond hair and was skinnier than his companion.
“ Whaddaya want?” Dimertris asked sourly.
“Do you need money?” asked the chubby kid.
“Well, of course I could use some” Dimertris said cautiously.
“ Well good” the blond one said “ cause we got lots.”
They dragged a bulging sack out from the alley way and opened it up. Dimertris’ jaw hung open when he saw what was inside.
“ You can have everything inside there” said the chubby kid.
“ You you mean it?!” asked Dimertris, dumbfounded.
“Yep” the blond one seconded “ but first you need to do something for us.”
The adult looked at them suspiciously “what do I have to do?”
“Well.. uhh could you...yah know umm” the chubby kid looked at the ground and scuffed his shoes.
“ Could you rule the Underworld?” the blond kid blurted out.
“What?” Dimertris said in disbelief “no way! I’m getting out of here.” And with that he was gone.
“ Oh, frogs legs “ cursed Pain as he dragged the sack back into the alleyway “we’ve been at this for two days. We have tried almost everyone in Thebes to fall for this, but no one will. I guess people don’t need money that much after all.” Panic sighed. “ I wonder why no one is searching for us” he mused. “ You’d think they would have at least made the tinniest search, but no, we got away with this.”
“Let’s go find out” said Pain, who was busy stashing the bag into a large hole.
“ Aren’t I great at thinking up neat activities for us to do?” said Panic with a grin.
Back at the palace, everyone was upset. Hercules had been lifted into a comfortable bed and now had a cloth draped over his forehead.
Megara knelt by him, her eyes red from weeping. Phil watched his pupil with tears welling up in his eyes. Pegasus looked down at his buddy with a forlorn expression.
Hercules’ breathing was getting more shallow by the minute.
“He might not live through the night” said Meg in a scratchy voice.
“ When’s the doctor coming?” Phil asked a servant quietly.
“ It will take at least two more days” the servant said sadly. They had ordered the best doctor in Grece, because there were no doctors in Thebes.
“ It’ll be okay” Phil tried to reassure everyone, but his voice was to tight to be comforting. Pegasus whinnied despairingly.
“ Panic” whispered Pain to his friend beside him “ I think we did this.”
The two imps had transformed into sparrows and were outside the window of Hercules’ villa.
“Uh-huh” Panic whispered back. “A year ago I would have been happy to see Hercules dead. But now that he’s gonna die I don’t feel so good. I feel yucky... I think I’m experiencing guilt.”
It was an odd feeling, it made his stomach tie itself up in knots and his blood run cold. Neither had felt this before. It wasn’t nice.
“No wonder people haven’t been searching for us” said Pain sadly “ they’ve all been to busy worrying about Hercules. We have to do something about this” he said, striking a brave heroic pose, as well as he could in a birds body.
“ Yah “ said Panic, “ we could find a cure. Or at least if Hercules is going to die or not.”
Pain thought for a moment, hopping back and forth on the windowsill.
“I’ve got it!” he tweeted, so loud that Pegasus came over to investigate.
“Fly” Pain whispered to Panic.
They quickly flew away from Hercules’ palace and into a tree in the garden.
“What is it?” Panic asked “ this better not be like that last idea.”
“ Well, it might be” admitted Pain “but I hope not. I’ve thought of a way to find out if Hercules will live or not. We will go ask the only people in the world who know everything.”
Panic stared at him quizzically.
“Who?” he asked.
“The Fates” Pain replied.
“ There are alot of things wrong with that plan and they will come to me if I think hard enough” said Panic. He thought for a few minutes.
“Okay” said Panic
“ Number One: the Fates live on Mount Olympus. Number Two: no mortals are allowed in Olympus. Number Three: the Fates are scary and ugly and smell like a troll went for a fart while it was dying . And Number Four: THE FATES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REVEAL THE FUTURE!!” Panic screamed.
“I don’t see any other option” said Pain “ well, I probably could if I thought about it some more, but I won’t. This is the best idea I’ve had since...I can’t remember how long, and it is (probably) the only way to save Hercules. So, even if the heavens open up and spit fire at us, or we are drowned in freezing cold water, or we are forced to eat another of Aunt Mischeif’s olive pies again, I swear by Zeus I will go through with it!”
He looked very brave and noble at that moment, so noble that he could have persuaded even Triton himself to help him.
“ Are you coming, Panic?” he asked.
“Well if it means that much to you fine” said Panic as they flew off towards Mount Olympus.
“But you owe me” Panic said as he flapped his wings “ and I mean really big , REALLY big.......”
The top of Mount Olympus was... well, there were no mortal words to describe it, but we’ll try. It was beautiful, magnificent, awe-inspiring and wondrous.
In front of the two miniature demons was a large, pure, golden gate. Beyond that was a huge, monumentous palace made out of clouds. The two of them were wondering if they should even be here, it was so perfect and they were so filthy.
“Okay, smarty-tunic” said Panic “how do we get past the gates?”
“I don’t know” said Pain “but I’m pretty sure we can’t sneak past. There will probably be a lot of gods passing by here, it isn’t night, and there aren’t a lot of places to hide. Also....”
“Hey!” shouted a voice. Pain morphed into a golden cat with sky blue eyes, with a red ribbon around his neck.
Panic saw a figure flying quickly towards them. He morphed into a silver dog the size of a poodle, with green eyes and a purple ribbon around his neck, following Pain’s lead.
Just then the figure came into view, and flew near the gates. Hermes polished his purple shades and looked at them suspiciously. Then he decided they were no harm and let them in.
“Hey there, babes” he crooned as he petted them “ you must be some presents for the gods.”
Pain smiled at Panic and hopped onto Hermes’ shoulder and purred in his ear.
“Yahh, pretty kitty” the messenger said as he stroked him.
“ Hermes” asked Hera “what are these animals doing here?”
“ Somebody down there likes us” said Hermes with a charming smile “ these must be presents from some mortal, even though they don’t look much like mortal animals” he added as an afterthought.
Hera looked at them oddly, then her face brightened and Zeus came out of the palace.
“Ohhh Zeus” said Hera as she flung herself at him and hugged him “I just knew you wouldn’t forget our anniversary.”
“Our...our what?” he asked, then recognition came to him.
“ Ahh yes our anniversary” he said, returning her hug “ well I’m glad you like them dear, I knew you would.”
Pain, quite happy at this turn of events, hopped off Hermes and onto Hera’s shoulder. He began purring and rubbing up against the side of her head.
“Awww” crooned Hera.
Panic hesitated, then joined Pain in playing cute. He trotted, panting, up to Zeus and leaned against him with the most innocent look a dog/demon could muster.
Zeus looked at him quizzically, then shrugged and scratched him behind the ears. Panic happily wagged his tail.
“ Come on” said Zeus, “lets get our new pets inside the palace.”
“ I think that’s where the Fates live” said Pain.
“How can you tell, Suncat?” asked Panic with a snicker.
“ Because, Mistwalker” snapped Pain “ it’s a dark and gloomy cave, and the Fates are dark and gloomy.”
They had been cooped up in Hera and Zeus’ bedroom all day, doing tricks, being cute and doing the exact opposite of what demons were supposed to do.
They had been given the names Suncat and Mistwalker, on account of Pain being a golden cat, and Panic being a gray dog.
They got out easily, they just turned into flies and they were out of there. They had turned back into their cat and dog form to make sure if anyone saw them, they would be just two pets of two gods out for a walk.
None of the gods seemed to notice them, only Hermes, but he just shrugged it off. He could understand why anyone would want to get out of Zeus bedroom. Zeus snored. Majorly.
The two of them walked over to the cave. It seemed so out of place there, every other place on Mount Olympus was so pure, while this place was black and menacing. The scratch on the diamond.
Pain and Panic looked at each other, then walked through the huge mouth.
There, in the middle of the floor, were the three Fates. One was spinning the thread of life, another one in the middle was measuring it, and the other one was cutting it.
“Come in Suncat and Mistwalker, or should we say Pain and Panic?” Clotho smiled sweetly, showing old, brown, battered teeth.
“H-Hello ladies” said Panic, shifting his weight nervously, “ you look the same as ever. You probably... well you do, know why were here s-so..” he stuttered.
“Yes Hercules will die because of your foolishness” said Lachesis distractedly.
“ Infact, his time on this world is almost up, isn’t it dear?” she turned to Atropos.
“ Why yes it is” Atropos grinned happily “and this time he’ll go straight to the Underworld where he belongs.”
She raised the battered scissors and was about to cut the thread she held in her hand.
“ No you don’t!” shouted Pain in his cat form. He sprang at her and scratched her hand, making Atropos drop the string. Lachesis caught it, but Panic bowled her over and grabbed it from her.
“Come on Pain” shouted Mistwalker as he ran out of the cave. Pain followed quickly.
They ran back to the palace as fast as their legs could carry them, and ran into the first room they found. It happened to be the pantry of the gods.
“So, sisters” asked Clotho “should we go after them?”
“No” answered Lachesis answered “ Hercules will die, just not anytime soon now that they have his thread of life.”
“Should we tell Zeus and Hera?”Cloto asked again.
“No” Atropos replied “Pain and Panic going to be cursed, so that will be our revenge.” The three sisters cackled evilly, then went backed to their tasks.
“Do you think anyone will find us here?” asked Panic, his dog tongue lolling out.
“I hope not” said Pain, between pants. Suddenly there was a noise outside.
“Sir” said someone,probably Hermes “I regret to inform you that..... Hercules is in a coma my Lord, and he may die sometime soon.”
“WHAT!” Zeus voice boomed out, making the two demon/pets flinch.
“Who did this?” he demanded.
“ I do not know, my Lord, only that he has been in it for some time, and that Hercules’ treasurey was robbed” said Hermes miserably.
“Also...ummm my Lord” Hermes ventured “ someone has opened the gates of the Underworld, and all of the dead souls are running loose on the Earth.”
“Cerberus too?” asked Zeus.
“ Yes Cerberus is reeking havoc as well.”
“The Underworld!” whimpered Panic “we forgot all about it!
"Ohhhh” he moaned “this is horrible, horrible, HORI-” Panic almost screamed until Pain clamped his mouth shut.
“Look” Pain said “there’s nothing we can do about it now, and the gods will probably take care of it better than we ever could. One of them might even rule the Underworld part-time. Yaahh” he smiled
“ I bet Apollo doesn’t have to much to do, well he is the god of light and music, so I guess that doesn’t work out to well. Now his sister Atermis might be able to, she does like shooting things...” Pain cut himself off.
“ Well, what I think we should do is just keep out of sight, let the gods set things right and sample the merchandise.” Panic glanced around.
Wait. We have to interrupt the story with a loud-musiced, cheap-lyriced, barly comprihensible gospel song to speed things up a little. And a one, two, three....
Nahhh forget it, the storyline is way to good, we can’t interrupt this like we did the last one, that one had a cheap storyline. Sorry for butting in, sugar.
The room was filled with the most delicious and wonderful foods imaginable.
There was an assortment of meats, all steaming hot as if they had just been roasted. Cherries, apples, grapes, pears, and strawberries coated with sugar lined the shelves. Sweet wines sat in large jugs and flasks, while even sweeter nectar lay in a golden bowl on a large table.
Panic tied the string to his tail then morphed back into his usual form.
“ I get dibs on the chicken” cried the cat, who melded back into the shape of a demon. He ran towards the meat pile, plunged in, and gobbled down the chicken. It tasted way better than any mortal food could taste. He ate the roast pidgeon next, than the beef and then munched on the venison.
“ Hey, save some for me!” cried Panic as he dropped the suculent grapes he had been eating. They ate until half the pantry of the gods had been cleaned out.
“Wow that food was great, huh Pain?”
“Yep” Pain burped out “ but I feel thirsty.”
“Yahh, me too” agreed Panic.
They ran over to the flasks of wine. Panic popped open the cork of a red wine, and took a long drink, only stopping when the flask was empty.
“This stuff is strong P-Pain” said Panic as he clumsily opened another flask “don’t drink too much.”
“Okay” Pain lightheadedly said as he opened up his third bottle. Panic drowned his second.
“ What a life, hic, Pain” he giggled drunkenly “ we can have foods like this anydays, hic.”
“Uhh huh” agreed Pain as he staggered towards his friend “ I’m sho smart. Sho smart, sho smart lah lah lah lah lah” he sang a drunken song.
“ Ours lifes are good” nodded Panic contentedly, as he tottered around the room which suddenly started spinning.
Unfortunatly they did not notice the hole in the floor, which had suddenly opened up, and they walked right into it.
Panic was dead. Or at least he thought he was. His head was ringing, as if someone had stuck a thousand bells near his ears. And his head was pounding as if someone had beaten it.
He cautiously opened one eye, and was rewarded with a piercing light which invaded his vision.
Panic shut his eyes and moaned miserably. He tried to put his hand to his head, only to find out that his arms and fingers hurt to.
Actualy, his whole body hurt majorly. Also, the end of his tail was asleep,as if someone had tied string around it.
Wait, he remembered, he had tied the the string to his tail. The Fates.... Hercules’ thread of life..... the wine of the gods.... A hangover!
“Owwww” moaned a voice beside him.
“Pain” Panic asked weakly “ is that you?”
“Yahh” Pain replied “I don’t think we’re on Mount Olympus anymore.” Pain was right, instead of a floor of clouds, Panic felt earth underneath him.
“Do you still have the thread?” Pain asked.
“Yeah” Panic replied. They lay in silence.
“ I guess we shouldn’t have drunken that wine” said Pain.
“Hindsight” commented Panic.
“My head’s stopped throbbing a little” said Pain “ I think I’ll try to get up.”
Panic heard some painful groaning beside him, and he felt two hands lift him up.
“It looks like this place was hit by a fire” Pain said.
Panic opened his eyes, it did look like it was hit by a fire. Trees were black and burned, and the grass was scorched.
“ Well, the gods must have gotten the dead people back to the Underworld” said Pain.
“Should we go back?” asked Panic “to the Underworld, I mean.”
Pain thought for a moment. “ Let’s go to Thebes first, and see how Hercules is doing.”
Pain and Panic both turned into little sparrows and flew, groggily and lamely, to their destination.
The doctor looked at Hercules. “ It’s strange, he has several head wounds, and should have been dead yesterday, but he isn’t.”
“I knew Herc was a champ” said Phil proudly.
“Well I suppose he must be” said the doctor as he packed up his tools in a deer-hide bag.
Megara smiled at Hercules. “When do you think he’ll be out of the coma?” she asked the doctor.
“ If his condition keeps improving, in at least two or three days” the doctor replied. “Just keep dressing the head wounds and talk to him. hopefully he’ll awaken.”
Pegasus whinnied happily.
“It’s to bad Hercules didn’t get to fight all of those nasty monsters” commented Megara.
“Those didn’t look like any of the monsters in this book” said Phil holding up a book entitled The Hero Trainers Step-by-Step Booklette.
“ They looked kind of dead” said Megara “ maybe they were from the Underworld. Wait” she cried “ that would make sense! Hades is gone and only Pain and Panic rule there now.”
Megara chuckled “ those two little imps couldn’t even tie a rope around a dead cow’s neck, so they certainly couldn’t stop an angry Underworld full of dead people.”
“It wasn’t a cow, it was a bull, and it honestly looked like it was alive”a blueish mouse, Panic, said defensivly, recalling an old incident which had involved the feeding of Cerberus with a dead cow. “ And we are not imps, we are minature demons!”
“Shhhhh” said Pain, in the form of a redish mouse, “ she almost heard you. And you’re right, the bull did look kind of alive.”
“How many people do you think died?” asked Megara quietly. Phil sighed and looked out the window.
Thebes was in ruins. Rubble and debris were everywhere. People were running all over the place, trying to find their families and crying over dead kin.
“ Hercules” Meg whispered in his ear “people need you, some monsters attacked Thebes and now everything is ruined. People need your help.”
Hercules didn’t flinch. Megara sighed.
“Well you tried” said Phil as he turned to walk out of the room. “ But he’ll be better in a few days, so don’t worry about it.”
Pegasus nuzzled his buddy then trotted off.
“Wha-what, Meg, where are the monsters?” Megara, Phil and Pegasus turned.
There was Hercules, sitting up in his bed.
“HERCULES.” Megara ran and kissed him.
“Yaaay,champ!” bleated Phil as he ran over to his pupil’s side.
Pegasus whinnied and ran/glided over to Hercules bedside.
“Hi everyone” said Hercules with a weak smile “now who’s hurt again?”
