From: Conley 
Date: Sat, 11 Jul 1998 23:48:16 -0400
Subject: New: Alter Egos

Title - Alter Egos
Author - The Chanteuse
Feedback - Please, please, please!  Either conley@dcache.net, or 
darke_wulf@hotmail.com
Rating - PG
Category - MSR, lots of Scully-angst with a little Mulder-angst.  H.
Spoilers - A teensy bit of the movie, but only the hallway scene.  
Does that count?  I don't think it does, but I'll mention it anyway.
Summary - An attempt at incognito conversation is spoiled by a third 
party.
Archive - OK, if you want to.  But PLEASE tell me first, so I'll know
where to send my friends.
Note - The {...}'s represent lines scrolling on the chat interface.  
<...>'s are thoughts we hear.  [...]'s are the content of ICQ messages.
Disclaimer - Scully, Mulder, Frohike, Byers and Langly are the property
of the Almighty Surfing One, Fox, TenThirteen, etc., etc.,  Don't sue, 
it wouldn't be worth it, I promise you.  I'm just a poor student.  As 
for T-Bear, Hampster, Jelli and Pea Bee, they're mine.  You can use 
them if you ever have a sudden need for a poorly drawn backdrop 
character.  But warn me first, so I know where they are when it's past 
their curfews.  Also, I don't have rights to Send in the Clowns, On My
Own, or The Impossible Dream.  But it wouldn't do any good for those 
people to sue me either.
The OTHER Note - This is the first effort I've made at writing a piece
of fanfic completely solo (that is to say, the other work I did was 
helping a buddy of mine with his story Gin & Tonic (beware, shameless 
plug ahead), which is now archived at Gossamer)  Even if you think it's
the worst story you've ever heard, I want you to tell me so I can 
improve.  But since I AM sort of new to this, please be gentle.

***********************************************************************
***********************************************************************

Scanning the computer screen, Scully pursed her lips in thought. There 
was something familiar about one of the names listed, if only she could
figure out which one.  Then as she scanned the list a second time, it 
hit. M. F. Luder.  One of Mulder's famous psuedonyms.   she wondered.  A smile, 
She wondered how much information she could get out of him if he didn't
realize he was talking to her.  There was only one way to find out, but
what could she use as a handle?  Certainly not her usual Foxphile.  
That might not be obvious, but it also would make him a little too 
suspicious.  Of course; she should play his own game.    She sat for a few moments, until the answer came to 
her.  Sandy A. Cull.  Not the best sounding name out there, but it 
would do.  With a decidedly evil grin, she advanced through the sign-in
screen.

{Sandy A. Cull has entered the room}

Great, now all she had to do was get noticed.

{Sandy A. Cull says: Hey.  Anything interesting going on around 
here?}
{Dr. Frank says: That depends on you sweetheart.  *eg*}
{Hampster says: Actually, we were debating with the infamous crack-pot
Luder over there *points* about UFO's.}

 she thought, .

{Sandy A. Cull says: Oooh.  But "Big Brother" says there aren't 
UFO's?}
{T-Bear says: You mean they let another kid in here?!  Does your 
brother know you're on his computer?}

Scully rolled her eyes, but before she could think of a reply, the next
line scrolled up.

{M. F. Luder says: T-Bear, you aren't telling me you've never read 
1984?}
{Hampster says: The census?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: *rolls her eyes*  No, not the Census.  The novel
by Orson Wells.  Anyway Luder, doesn't "Big Brother" say that UFO's 
don't really exist?}
{M. F. Luder says: He would; he has to.  Big Brother isn't the only
person looking over other people's shoulders.  There's always someone 
to watch the watchers.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: You mean like the stuff they put in that 
magazine... *thinks* The Lone Gunman?}
{Dr. Frank says: *offers her a drink*  You know, I've always said I 
admire a woman with taste.  How old are you cupcake?}
{M. F. Luder says: You read The Lone Gunman?}

Scully thought about saying yes, but decided he'd want her to quote
articles she'd read or something.  Better to be honest.  

{Sandy A. Cull says: No.  I have a... friend who reads it like a 
Bible.  And their supplementary The Magic Bullet too.}
{T-Bear says: Hey Hampster, you get done proofin' my story yet?}
{M. F. Luder says: This friend of yours must be a pretty smart guy.}
{Hampster says: Nah.  Too busy trying to disprove Spooky *points toward
Luder*.  I can get to it later tonight, if you want.}

Scully almost coughed herself to death.    

{Sandy A. Cull says: Spooky?}
{T-Bear says: Good.  Listen all, I love ya's like family, but my little
bro needs to do a report or something.  *gbh's* all around.  C-ya.}
{Dr. Frank says: Bye T}
{T-Bear has left the room}
{Hampster says: Figures.}
{M. F. Luder says: Yes, Spooky.  Someone *glares at "Dr. Frank"* gave
them my work nickname.  He knows I hate it when they call me that!}
{Hampster says: Aw, come on Spook, ya know we all love ya.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: So where do you work, that they'd give you a 
name you hate?}
{M. F. Luder says: *lowers his voice to a stage whisper*  If I told you
that, I'd have to kill you.  It's a matter of national security.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: You work for PBS?}
{Dr. Frank says: *rotflmao*  That's good SAC.  You a comic or 
something?}
{Hampster says: What's wrong with PBS?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Dr. F, I think I'll stick with something.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Hampster, I didn't say that anything was WRONG 
with it...}
{M. F. Luder says: *mock sigh* Wrong letters.  Try again.  I'll give 
you a hint, think government, but not as shadowy as those damn MiB's.}
{Hampster says: Oh just tell her.  No one cares that you work for the
FBI.  I don't believe it anyway.}
{Dr. Frank says: What's the matter Hamp?  T-Bear forget to give his
chicky-poo a kiss g'night?}
{Hampster has left the room}
{M. F. Luder says: Ouch.  I think she's upset "Frank".  Maybe you
shoudn't have said that.}
{Dr. Frank says: Aw, but she spoiled your fun.  I know that FBI stuff
impresses the chicks.}
{M. F. Luder says: *sigh* Not the right ones.  Sandy, you still here?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Yes.  Just... thinking.  Now, what were you 
saying about a government cover-up, Mr. G-man?}
{Dr. Frank says: Don't get him started Sandy.  You don't know how he
gets.}

 she thought.  

{Sandy A. Cull says: OK.  I won't.  Anyone feel like explaining to me
why, even though we're all hidden behind our computer screens, most
people feel the need to chat under an assumed name?}
{M. F. Luder says: It's nice to be able to be the person you wish you
were now and again.  Why stick with Clark Kent, when for a day you can
be
Superman?}
{Dr. Frank says: Besides, if they know your real name, they can go look
you up, and then they'll know every annoying personal detail you made 
an effort to keep OUT of the conversation.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: And you're calling Luder paranoid?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Annoying personal detail as in what?  Like being
short?  I hate being short.}
{Dr. Frank says: Yeah, like being short.  See, now we all know that.  
But if you hadn't told us, we wouldn't.  Now if you were chatting under
your real name, we could have looked you up, and known whether you 
wanted us to or not.}
{M. F. Luder says: What's the matter with being short, anyway.  Short
can be really sexy, if the person carries it well.}



{Sandy A. Cull says: Whatever.  Just call me Superwoman then, I 
guess.}
{Dr. Frank says: Any more burning chat questions?  What next, 
Superwoman?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Uh... How 'bout those Redwings, huh?}
{M. F. Luder says: Now why would anyone waste their time on hockey when
there's basketball?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: That depends on if it involves tonsils or not.} 



{Sandy A. Cull says: And anyway, what's so great about basketball?}
{Dr. Frank says: We've got a live one.  What do you wear when you watch
hockey?}
{M. F. Luder says:  I don't know.  Give me a minute to dig up that old
co-ed naked shirt.}
{Dr. Frank says: Not you, her!}
{M. F. Luder says: I was talking to her.  I meant co-ed naked 
BASKETBALL.  You know, to tell her what's so great about it.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: I love those.  My partner got me one that's 
co-ed naked medicine.  I don't remember the line; something about latex
I think...}
{M. F. Luder says: Partner?  Uh... as in sexual or as in work?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: *l*  As in work.  I can dream, though.}
{M. F. Luder says: Dream?  How so?}

 she thought.  Still, what was the REAL harm.  After
tonight, Sandy A. Cull could disappear forever, and Mulder would 
never be the wiser.

{Sandy A. Cull says: Well, I'm a pretty stupid girl.  I seem to have
fallen in love with my partner without realizing it.  And there isn't a
damn thing I can do, either.  I just wish he'd stop with his 
innuendoes.  Since I know I can't make him follow through on his
"threats", it's just sort of torture.  But, I love him so much, I don't
want to risk changing things and losing him.  I'm not sure I could deal
with that.  You see, he's my best friend too.}
{M. F. Luder says: Ouch.  That's not a very good situation to be in.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Don't I know it.  If only I could risk it.  But 
I'm not going to push for something that can't happen.  I'll just take
what he CAN give, and try not to let on that it hurts I don't have his
heart in return for mine.  At least, that's how it WAS.  Now it's all
so damned confusing...}
{Dr. Frank says: What's confusing?}
{M. F. Luder says: Without a doubt, I'd say it sucks to be you.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Well... I was thinking about leaving the-- where
I work.  And we had an argument, I guess you'd call it.  Then... I'd
swear he was going to kiss me, but...}
{Dr. Frank says: You chicken out, chick-a-dee? or did he?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Actually, an outside force interrupted.  I guess
I'll never know where things were going to lead.  *sigh*}
{Dr. Frank says: Uh, hi.  Thinker's Apprentice here.  Luder, check this
Sandy's IP address, and put that photographic memory to work for a 
second.}

  She knew that Dr. Frank was Frohike.  She could only assume 
that Thinker's Apprentice was Langley.  Byers would have known to let 
sleeping dogs lie.

{M. F. Luder says: Scully?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!}
{Dr. Frank says: Oops.  Sorry.  Gotta go...}
{Dr. Frank has left the room}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Oh God.  I know you don't want to talk to me
right now Mulder, so just please tell me how I log out of here...}
{M. F. Luder says: I never knew you liked that shirt.  It seemed like
such a mistake to buy it; you always seem so... disapproving of that 
sort of thing.}

  Scully sat for a 
moment, sweat beading on her forehead.  She'd just shut off her 
internet connection, but Mulder would never let her get away that 
easily.  He'd just call, or show up at her door, or something.

{M. F. Luder says: Scully?  Are you still there?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Yes Mulder, I'm still here.}
{M. F. Luder says: You really like that shirt?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Mulder, would I have lied to you when I didn't
intend on your figuring out who I am?  Yes I like the shirt.  I'm 
wearing it now, as a matter of fact.}



{Jelli has entered the room.}
{Jelli says: Hey Spooks.  How's things?  And who's the newbie?}
{M. F. Luder says: OK Jell.  How're you?  Hey "Sandy," turn on your
ICQ, OK?  Somehow I don't think this is a public conversation.  And
when Jelli shows up, I'm sure I know who's next.}
{Pea Bee has entered the room.}

Scully debated for a moment, then started up her ICQ program.  Better
then a personal confrontation later, she supposed.

{Pea Bee says: Hi-ya, Spookster.  *gbh* for ya!  And as for you 
Jelli... *kotl*  Who's the new gal in town?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Jelli & Pea Bee - I'm a... friend... of Luder's.
"Luder," I've got it running.}
{M. F. Luder says: I know.  I've got you set as a notify.  One sec...
Pea Bee: I'm good.  How's it hanging with you?}

The computer beeped.  Great, a message.  

[Scully, have I ever told you how much I HATE bees?]

{Pea Bee says: Hanging good wi' my boy Jelli, as usual.  Sandy - Ooo.
Would that be as in close, personal friend?  Like someone he works 
with?}
{Jelli says: You shouldn't pry, my pet.  *returns the kiss*}
{Pea Bee says: I was just askin'}

After a moment of indecision and confusion, she hit the return button.

[The kind with Peas, or the kind with wings?]  

Well, that seemed neutral enough.  She clicked on send.
{M. F. Luder says: *starts to hum "Send in the Clowns"*}
{Pea Bee says: What's with the depressing Muzak all of a sudden Spook?}
{M. F. Luder says: There's just something pathetic about a guy who's so
insecure he has to hide his feelings behind a bunch of crass jokes, 
trusting the other person's intuition to fill in the gaps, even though 
no intuition can read correctly if the intuitor doesn't know what they
need to know to be able to intuitively guess at the meaning behind the
words.}
{Jelli says: Hey man, no one who knows you can NOT know that you've 
been scarred deep.  They've got to respect that.  You take your own 
sweet time with putting yourself on the line.  See to it you don't get
hurt again.  Any person worth the line, is gonna understand that.}

The computer beeped again.    But somehow, she felt
just a little hopeful, having read what Mulder just posted.  

[The kind who ruin the one moment I've ever had enough guts to bare my
soul to the one and only person in the world who can shatter it.]  

She grinned so hard, her face hurt.  

{Sandy A. Cull says: Sometimes a good intuitor sees through the 
words, but takes the wrong spin off them.  If they don't think they can
believe what they think they're hearing, they'll take it in a way 
with which they're more able to reconcile themselves.}
{M. F. Luder says: What words were see-through-able?}

Not in an even semi-public forum, not just yet.  ICQ, then.  

[I seem to remember a statement from a hospital bed.  "You're my one in
five billion."]

{Pea Bee says: How was your day, studmuffin?}
{Jelli says: Spent it dreamin' of you darlin'.  Why did I have to pull
a sales-rep assignment so soon after meeting you?}
{M. F. Luder says: Jelli my friend, how long did it take you to realize
what you had with Pea Bee?}

Beep.    

[They had me doped-up on sedatives.  How was I supposed to screen 
myself?  Maybe they slipped a little truth-serum in too.]

{Jelli says: The second I saw her I knew.}
{M. F. Luder: Yeah, but how long until you told her?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: How about you Pea Bee?  When'd you know it was
Jelli for you?}
{Pea Bee says: When he introduced hisself.}
{Jelli says: I walked up, introduced myself, and said, "I never knew I
believed in love at first sight until today darlin'.  Think of me 
what'cha will, but I'll wait for as long as you need me to, jes' ta 
proove it ain't no pick-up line."}
{Sandy A. Cull says: That's sweet.}
{M. F. Luder says: You two are lucky.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: You know, Lois Lane DID fall in love with Clark
Kent.}
{Pea Bee says: What?}
{Jelli says: What?}
{M. F. Luder says: Huh?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: You remember earlier, when I asked your short,
annoying friend why people needed to hide behind psuedonyms, and you
made that comment in reference to Superman?}  

And now, the ICQ message to touch it off.  

[Who needs someone else's alter-ego when the original is what you
want?]

{Pea Bee says: Oh.  I guess you hadda be there.  Jelli my dear, what're
you wearing?}
{Sandy A. Cull says: *rotfl*  Luder, you been giving lessons?}
{Jelli says: Same ol' thing as always.}
{M. F. Luder says: I swear, it wasn't me.  *l*}

Out of nowhere, a nagging cloud of doubt appeared.  

{Sandy A. Cull says: What do you do when you're suddenly seized by 
uncertainty?  It's one thing to be written to, but...}

Suddenly the cell-phone rang, making her jump.  "Scully."
"In the immortal words of Bryan Addams, Do I have to say the words?"
"Mulder--"
"Sorry, I wasn't really great at this even before I became the walking
emotional scar you know."

{Jelli says: What you wearing my sweet Pea Bee?}

She swallowed hard, then took a gulp of water from the glass beside the
computer.  "That's OK Mulder, really."

She heard a flurry of typing.

{M. F. Luder says: *starts to hum The Impossible Dream from Man of La
Mancha*}
{Pea Bee says: The sweats you bought me before you left.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: I always thought more in terms of On My Own, 
from Les Mis.}  

She was rewarded with a soft chuckle from the other end of the phone 
line.
"Am I really that bad at expressing myself Scully?"
"Well, it seems to me that those who understand people in general are
pretty blind when it comes to themselves."
"I can't do this over the phone, Scully.  I have to be able to see your
eyes.  I'll lose my nerve if I'm not caught in the moment."

{M. F. Luder has left the room.}

"Oops.  Scully, tell them I said G'bye, please?"
"Sure."

{Sandy A. Cull says: He messed up.  He says "G'bye".}
{Pea Bee says: You're his partner, aren't you?  The one he can't ever
stop talking about?}

"I'll be there in a minute G-woman."  With a click, the connection
terminated.  

{Jelli says: It ain't polite to pry darlin'.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Guilty as charged.  He talks about me?}
{Pea Bee says: All the time.  When he isn't debating with Doc F. and
that crew about UFO's, he's telling us how great his partner is.}
{Jelli says: *l* Or he's telling Doc F. to keep his paws off.  I take
it y'all know each other RL?}
{Sandy Cull says: I'm not sure I'd classify any part of my life as
"real" but yes.}
{Jelli says: You can count that boy as real ma'am.  I promise that.  
And an AcmeScape Computer salesman never makes a promise he can't 
back up.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: I'll keep that in mind the next time I buy a 
comp.}
{Jelli says: Always a pleasure to make a future customer of someone.
*l*}
{Pea Bee says: So how long have ya'll worked together?  He tells us 
that the two of you are partners, but he's never said just when you
were assigned together.}
{Jelli says: Prying again?  *kotl, just to quiet her up*}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Well, it was six years in March.  From the 
first time we were paired, that is.}
{Jelli says: Now it's my turn to pry.  First time?}
{Pea Bee says: And you call me terrible.  *s*  At least I ask questions
that make sense.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: Well, the work that we do... has made us a lot 
of enemies at the top.  Our few supporters often lose out when there's 
a dispute over the value of our work, and our unit is shut down.  But 
there always seems to be a reason found to re-open us, sometimes 
related the the reason they closed us in the first place.  I'd tell you
more, but...}
{Jelli says: I understand.  Paranoia is very catching, 'round these
parts.}
{Dr. Frank has entered the room.}
{Pea Bee says: Hey, Frankie.  How's things?}
{Dr. Frank says: "Sandy" I'm SO sorry that Thinker's Apprentice did 
that to you.  I swear I didn't know what he wanted when he asked me if 
he could use the keyboard.}
{Sandy A. Cull says: I think it's OK.  He's coming over to talk.}
{Dr. Frank says: "Luder?"  That's great.  I always said he was the only
man who'd be able to beat me.}

She heard the door open, and used the few last shreds of her self
control
in not turning around.

{Sandy Cull says: Gotta go, It's actually truth time.  *gulp*}

"Mulder, how do I log off on this thing?"  She felt, rather then heard
him come up behind her.  The corner of her eye caught movement as his 
arm snaked forward parallel to hers, and his hand covered hers on the 
mouse.
"Like this," he said, clicking on the Exit button.

{Sandy A. Cull has left the room.}  A purple screen popped up, 
thanking her for chatting at the Purple Pool-house, and expressing a 
hope that she'd return.  

"Oh.  I guess I didn't notice that."
"It's easy not to notice something small," he said.  She certainly
noticed, however, that his hand was still covering hers.
"How'd you get here so fast?"
"You'd be surprised how few cops are on beat at this time of night.  It
must be the designated donut hour."
"Mulder--"
"I've got to say this in one breath," he began.  "I thought... I 
thought that I had managed to make you understand me, in a roundabout 
sort of way.  But I guess if I missed you reaching out to me in the 
past, I can understand how you'd think what I said to you before -- in
the hallway -- was just a part of a last ditch effort to convince you 
to stay, coupled with... whatever you thought was going on.  So," he 
spun her computer chair around, such that she was facing him.  He 
kneeled down, so that they were roughly at the same eye level.  "I want
to remove any doubt."

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as he started to speak
again.  

"You are the single most important person in my life.  In fact, I'd say
that you alone are more important to me then all the other people I 
count as friends combined.  You're my liaison to the normal world, the 
anchor that keeps me from drifting completely away from mankind.  
Scully -- Dana, I love you.  With every breath I am compelled to draw, 
with every aspect of my worn and battered being, I live only to give to
you what was staked as yours the first moment we met: not only my 
heart, but my soul as well.  I am forever yours if you'll have me."

The tears had started down her face, and with the pads of his thumbs,
he smoothed them away.  "It's a good think you've offered me your
heart," she said softly.  As she saw the never-healed wounds 
threatening to surface, she continued, "because it's impossible to live
without one, and I seem to have had mine taken by an incorrigible 
fellow who refuses to be addressed by his given name."  She saw a light
grace his hazel eyes from within, and felt it reflected in her own as 
their faces drifted closer as they had so many times.

Then at last, the kiss that had so many times been denied was finally
granted.  As it slowly deepened into all that a kiss so long withheld
should be, Scully was only able to form one coherent thought before 
slipping into a trance at this perfection.  



***********************************************************************

The End.

Opinions?  Remember, I LOVE feedback.  Oh, and I almost forgot:

Dedications - Um, dedicated to The Bartender (I can risk that much,
since I doubt he's ever gonna read this).  Also, with a BIG thanks to
the wonderful people who beta-read for me.  This would be absolute
garbage without you helpful suggestions.

---The Chanteuse