Battle of the Prequels
By Mara Jade
marajadesw@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: Well here's a news flash: I didn't create Star Wars.
This story expands on characters and situations created by George 
Lucas, and no money is being made. Enjoy!


                       Battle of the Prequels
                           By Mara Jade

Act One
Scene One
(The scene opens immediately after Return of the Jedi. On 
the medical frigate, Luke is being treated for exhaustion, 
excessive burns, and electrocution, Leia is being treated for
mild shock and a blaster burn.  Both are asleep.  In a side 
corner, Lando and Han are talking quietly.  Artoo and Threepio 
are standing around not doing anything.  Chewie should be on 
guard, but he is dozing lightly.  Consequently, he doesn't 
notice when Wedge enters.)

Wedge: General?  How are they?

Han: I think it'll be okay since they don't have to worry so 
Much anymore.

Wedge: Um...actually, that's why I'm here.  George is on the 
Warpath again.

Lando: Uh-oh.  Now what?

Wedge: It's too late...he's here...

(George Lucas enters, his arms full of prequel scripts and 
blueprints.)

George: Hey, that was great!  ROTJ is sure to be a hit!

Luke: (Just waking up.) Yeah...great...superb...that really 
helps...

Han: You okay, Kid?

Luke: Would you be?

Han: Point taken.  Okay, George, what are you doing here?

George: Well, I'm making some new Star Wars movies...(The news 
wakes up Leia and Chewie, and they join the chorus of groans.)...
and I need some actors,so...who wants to volunteer?

Lando: You're kidding right?

Wedge: Forget it, man.  I survived these three, and I'm not 
even a main character.  My luck is sure to run out soon.  Heck, 
I thought I was dead in the Battle of Yavin!

Han: No way.  Leia and I have plans.

Leia: We're going to get married and run the galaxy from 
Coruscant.

(Chewie rumbles)

George: Well actually, Chewbacca, the life-debt doesn't apply 
if you and Han aren't in a movie together.

(More rumbling.)

George: I'm afraid I have to insist.

(Louder rumbling)

George: (backing off) Well if you feel that strongly about it,
 you can just say so. There's no need to become violent. What 
about the rest of you? Are you coming with me?

Threepio: No more adventures! I'm not going with you...(Artoo 
beeps) Oh dear!  Poor Artoo-Detoo thinks he belongs in the 
prequels!  Oh, if anything happens to him I will never
forgive myself...(more beeping.)

Luke: No, Artoo, we are NOT going to the Prequel System. If 
you want to keep any promises to George, you'll do it yourself.

George: All right, that's one. Anyone else care to join Artoo?

Lando: I'm a busy man. I have gambling operations to run. Forget 
it.

Luke: Let me get this straight. I work for you for nine years 
straight, my only rewards are losing my hand and getting 
electrocuted nearly to death, and now you want me to do it
again? Have I got that right?

George: It couldn't have hurt all that much.

Luke: I vote we shoot George with lightning bolts. Let him see 
how much it hurts.

Leia: I thought the Jedi didn't take revenge.

Luke: Try to see it my way.  What am I supposed to do, forgive 
And forget?

George: What about the rest of you? (Everyone who died in the 
trilogy appears.)

Ben: Not me.  I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.

George: But the prequels are a long time ago, so you'll really be
younger.

Ben: Oh.  Well, okay then.

George: That's two.

Palpatine: I'll help! Do I get to shoot anyone else with 
lightning? (Luke groans)

George: (glancing at Luke) Well, probably not. It loses support.
But I'll think of something equally malicious for you to do.

Palpatine: Cool! Yippee! Golly-Willikers!

Anakin: I'd do it, but I don't want to turn to the Dark Side.

Yoda: Have to you do. Your destiny it is.

Anakin: Fine.  But Luke has to promise to turn me back to the 
Good Side.

Luke: I am NOT doing *that* again, Dad.

Yoda: Have to *you* do not. Already done it you have.

George: Great, that's four. Yoda, you should join us.

Yoda: Help you I will. Hmmm? Yes!

George: Great. Five. You are all livesavers.

Luke: Yeah, see you in the afterlife.

(There is general agreement from everyone who refused a part 
in the prequels.)

Luke: And *now,* if there's nothing else, I'm going to catch 
up on some sleep.

(Everyone goes to sleep except the people who are in the 
prequels.)

Finis