INVERTED NIPPLE TOUR DEMANDS (failure to follow these guidelines will result in full loss from monies to band along with listing of city of incident on INVERTED NIPPLE’S “List of Loser Cities” website) -All transportation goes as follows: 4 men dressed like Inverted Nipple (actual costumes/clothing to be determined by band on the day of concert promotion) take tour buses and limos to discourage press, while real band members dress like NBA mascots and use the OSCAR MEYER Wienermobile (to be provided by promoter; if not available use ice cream truck, not the Schwans truck, but one like the pedophiles use, a yellow van with loud children’s music). -Inverted Nipple will only stay at Best Westerns with a pool. -Inverted Nipple request for the duration of their stay at Best Western all shiny surfaces must be covered so that they never see a reflection of themselves except in their own bathroom. This includes all the bathrooms and rooms of the other guests incase they make new friends and go visit them. If the Best Western has pot holes in the parking lot or speed bumps Inverted Nipple will burn down the hotel: There must be no pot holes or speed bumps as they are blasphemous to God and they are a Christian/Buddhist/Atheist Polka/Ska/Punk band. (semi-important/don't ask). -There are to be 4 rooms reserved for Inverted Nipple, one in each corner of the building on top floor, but all on the same floor, plus one on the ground floor near an exit or with an exit to the parking lot in it. Also needs to be near the pool. -The pool must be closed to all other guests, with the explanation that Kenny G, Yanni and Yo Yo Ma are touring together and in their vanity they have requested that no one else use the pool. This will be enforced by seventeen security officers with automatic machine guns and 2 way radios. The entire staff should have the same story memorized if asked, but if asked with a bribe employees should explain the real reason is Tommy Lee and Anna Nicole Smith are getting married by Marylin Manson by the pool side later that afternoon, and pictures can be bought at a nominal fee, up front, which will be donated to the band’s Ramen Noodle fund (no actual pictures will be given). -No one should really know the truth.
-There must be 10 prostitutes in Room 4: -Room 3 must be set up like a 70's disco roller rink. No one is allowed in, music must be playing loud and the door is to remain off the hinges and in the middle of the hall.
-Room 2 to be filled with ice knee high, and replenished as it melts. -Room 1 is to be for the emergency Jell-o cup back-up storage, housing all the puddings and no actual Jell-o flavors, with 4,000 clear plastic disposable spoons on hand. -Room 5 at ground level is to be registered under the name “Theodore Stickle”, occupancy 4, which means 4 king-size beds fit anyway they can. Damn, I mean we're not homos! Outside Room 5 there must be free parking for the ice cream truck. It must also have a "jerky-bar" which should include every form of jerky available within that state. Also, there must be enough to serve 42 people for the next 72 years (taking into consideration that jerky would be the only thing they were to be eating, not just having it as a snack). -2000 lbs. of non-hooked rubber fishing bait in the forms of crawfish, mice, worms, insects, and fish, to be sparkly and printed with the name of the band on it. -4 Industrial slingshots with metal frames and rubber tubing. -Access to the fire hoses with no questions asked. -Pickled beets and all varieties of Spam are to be offered to the band every 1/2 hour but never served, no matter the reply (failure to withhold beets and/or Spam from crying bandmembers will result in immediate subjugation to “Life in Paul’s Basement” video (the 8-hour version) a la “A Clockwork Orange” style). -100' of Slip-and-Slide material and a 55 gallon drum of baby oil. -A floating trampoline to use in the pool in conjunction with the Slip-and-Slide and baby oil, of course with no questions asked. -Fake blood, any quantities and flavors (not licorice) available. -Completely dead fish, large size, approx. 8 of them with handle-like tails for combat purposes. -25 stupid dogs, 100+ lbs., and 25 spider monkeys in jockey garb to ride them. -2,000,000 pairs of earplugs with the bands name on them, hot pink and electric blue, not the kind with the string connecting them-- those are gay. -2 tons of chocolate instant pudding mix, on skids with easy pour out spouts. -4 nearly deflated basketballs and 1 roll of duct tape to fashion helmets. -A local kid named ‘Steve’ whose parents wouldn't mind having him hit with large fish, chased by monkeys riding dogs down a 100 feet of slip and slide onto a floating trampoline and into a pool made of chocolate pudding for $5,000.00 (Steve will not be allowed to wear a basketball helmet.) |