Rating: PG-13 for suggestive slash situation.
Story: Maul and Obi-Wan face the Martian Menace
Archive: Here at my lonesome old site...
Disclaimer: Don't blame me; my alter ego did it! Ennaway, the characters contained within are the property of George Lucas and Warner Brothers, and I promise that I make no money whatsoever in my misuse of them. I might even have to end up paying for it...

At last he would surpass his own high score on Jedi Roadkill III, or maybe he would find Darth Lara Croft at the hindmost table in a smoky bar, or....ZZZZZZ. Dream-images brushed at him...a dark beautiful Sith-girl with a fetish for horns and bad teeth....a Twi'lek with prehensile tentacles....a small black cartoon creature with a brush helmet and staring white cartoon eyes....HUH?

 Maul jolted awake as a crackling wormhole opened just above his head. Out of it tumbled just such a strange creature. It fell hard on top of Maul's horns and sprang comically straight up and onto Maul's filthy computer table. The creature leapt down and brought his weapon to bear on Maul. The gun was almost as big as the creature, who stood only three feet tall with the helmet.

Maul decided this shrimp could be easily menaced. He pumped out his chest, distending the letters on his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" T-Shirt and narrowed his eyes, hissing through his rotten teeth, which he displayed prominently. The creature never moved, but instead began a slow deliberate speech: "I am taking over your planet, Earthling. You will be vaporized. Prepare for your ugly, agonizing death, Earthling."

Maul puzzled at this for a moment and, lightning-quick, called his lightsaber to him and slashed the creature in half. It parted easily, each half falling away to opposite ends of Maul's living room.  His adrenaline surged and he felt more alive than ever now. Maul roared and threw a pillow into the couch. Maul's Apprentice cowered in the corner. The kitten's hair stood on end and she emitted a horrifying screech.

Maul whirled at the sound and discovered, to his horror, that the neatly cleaved halves were regenerating into perfect copies of the small, menacing creature. A look of wonderment overtook Maul's features, and he realized this little annoying anomaly could be the greatest weapon yet discovered for the Dark Side. First, though, it would have to be disarmed, which was a  bit of a problem, as the weapon it carried had been duplicated as well.

"I will destroy you and your insignificant planet with my Z-59 Space Modulator!" the creatures intoned simultaneously in a voice which led Maul to believe it was only now experiencing puberty. Maybe he could channel the immense destructive impetus in this strange thing from another dimension.

"I can help you in your task of causing utter mayhem, little creature. You have channeled your hate and anger well." A slight wave of the hand...."You will be a Sith (or two), and you will serve only me. Together we will kill my Master and rule the universe! BWAHAHAHA!!!!" He couldn't resist the maniacal laugh at the end. It had too much evil resonance...it was too delicious.

To Maul's dismay, however, the creatures had begun disintegrating his furniture and were heading towards the computer and his brand-new copy of Jedi Roadkill III. "I am Marvin, the vanguard of the Martian army, and I claim this room as my headquarters!"  <ZAP!>  The horrible little creatures were disintegrating his clothes!

Maul leapt at the small black twin menaces, rescuing his Sith uniform just in time. A disintegrator ray blew a hole in his apartment wall instead. The fumes from Obi-Wan's apartment seeped slowly in and Maul felt himself growing lax and sleepy. The knockout gas had no effect whatsoever on the Marvins, however, and the Martian twins continued with their campaign of disintegration...the toaster, the microwave, his collection of ring pops...it passed in a blur of pain and loss for Maul, who managed to swim through the haze to the fan, which had not yet been vaporized. He turned it on the highest setting, and the room began to clear.

When he came to his senses, the Marvins had disappeared and were replaced by a sleepy-looking Obi-Wan. "Geez, Maul! Are you finally redecorating? I have the most wonderful daybed that I have no room at all for in my cramped apartment. It would be just DARLING in here!"

Maul's head was pounding. Was it the gas, Obi-Wan's annoying cheerfulness or  that awful dream he had had about the creature from Mars? It was a dream, right? He looked around dazedly and realized his furniture and appliances really were missing. His head spun with the thought of it. He grabbed Obi-Wan's tunic and pulled him close. "Did you see a three foot tall cartoon creature come through here?" he hissed maniacally. "He's destroying my apartment!"

"Well, Fluffi-Wan did get loose last night. Maybe Fluffi-Wan did all this. You would be amazed at what that hamster can do when the Force is with him, " Obi-Wan  intoned helpfully. "Why don't you come over to my place and have a drink while your head clears?"

Well, there was no playing Jedi Roadkill with a disintegrated monitor. "All right. Just one. Then I have Sith-stuff to do. You know...evil!" Maul seemed a bit unsure of reality, much less evil. This Marvin was, if it is possible, more evil than he was. A frightening thought. Sidious would know how to handle him...if only he had left a contact number on the pleasure planet, but no, Qui-Gon had insisted! That's it! It was all a Jedi plot to drive him insane!

At that moment, a shrill squeak shot from Obi-Wan's apartment. Fluffi-Wan had re-emerged and was staring at something...<ZAP!> Obi-Wan shrieked and ran into his apartment. One Marvin was chewing on his fresh flowers, and the other was methodically destroying his CD collection. Fluffi-Wan shot away under the daybed.

"Why, you little menace!" Obi-Wan screamed petulantly. "Those flowers are rare, from the farthest known reaches of the galaxy! A special gift from Qui-Gon! How dare you!" Obi-Wan instantly wielded his baby blue lightsaber and threatened one of the Marvins with it. Instantly, Maul was on top of Obi-Wan, screaming, "No! No! It just makes MORE of them! " The panic in Maul's voice stopped Obi-Wan short.

Obi-Wan slowly disentangled himself from the fear-laden Maul, and amusement began to play on the Padawan's features. "Is this one of your Sith-experiments you couldn't control? If it is, it's not just evil, it's utterly hilarious! I know what that thing is now!" Obi-Wan was now red-faced and shaking with laughter.

Maul was definitely annoyed now. That twit Padawan was LAUGHING at him! His face turned a deeper shade of red (if that is possible) and he reveled in the urge to twist Obi-Wan's neck away from the rest of him. Rage clouded his vision so much that he didn't notice that Obi-Wan had disappeared.

The twin Marvins seemed to be engaged in replacing the energy cells of their oversized blaster weapons after disintegrating the cushions in Obi-Wan's darling daybed. Suddenly, they froze in place, and their round white cartoon eyes became larger, widened with fright. "Oh, no!" They intoned simultaneously. "It is the great wiper of the canvas! Run, Martian comrades!"  They dropped their blasters and ran comically in little circles as Obi-Wan emerged with a vary large eraser.

Barely suppressing a grin, Obi-Wan bounced into the living room of his devastated apartment. "Now, you little illusions! It is time to meet the dust of the GREAT ERASER!"

Maul felt distinctly odd. Obi-Wan was acting REALLY strange now. Maybe this was a test. Maybe he just needed a good rap on the head with a lightsaber. Maybe Qui-Gon had been withholding his attentions from the boy for too long. What ever it was, it was giving Maul the creeping flesh.

He watched in the daze of one who no longer believes in what he sees, as Obi-Wan rushed at the nearest Marvin and erased a portion of his midsection as if with a lightsaber. After a series of artistically placed strokes, nothing remained of the two Martians but a brush helmet. And that was now perched triumphantly upon Obi-Wan's head.

Maul rose slowly, grabbed the insanely tittering Jedi Apprentice and stared in his wide blue eyes. He was so utterly confused that he couldn't even summon up his normal anger and hate. Was he failing as a Sith? Was this indeed a test? How would he replace his destroyed  stuff?

There must be some evil to be milked from this weird experience. What was it? He found himself absently stroking Obi-Wan's hair and tucking him into his ravaged bed complete with a glass of milk and a couple of aspirin. "Nighty night, " he found himself idiotically burbling to the sleepy Jedi. Ugh! Something evil must come of this, or I'm not going to sleep tonight!

Then it came to him. Maul got on his knees in Obi-Wan's torn quarters and felt around under the couch and the daybed until he found it. Huddling in the springs of the daybed was a severely frightened Fluffi-Wan. The hamster shook as Maul used a coat hanger to pry loose its death-grip on the springs. Maul got sharply bitten for his effort.

He took a few moments to stroke the hamster into calmness, and then he tiptoed into Obi-Wan's bedroom. Both Obi-Wan and Fluffi-Wan were mostly asleep now.  Slowly, the Sith drew back the sheets and loosened the soft silk pants adorning the sleeping figure. Maul carefully deposited Fluffi-Wan inside them, and gathered the Dark Force.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Maul emitted a piercing, Force-enhanced shout and quickly darted just outside the doorway. The hamster squealed and bit the first thing he could find. Obi-Wan flailed and squealed in almost the same pitch as his hamster; soon, the hamster flew across the bed, as Maul stood in the doorway silently snickering.

"I guess you found your hamster, huh, Obi-Wan? Who would have guessed? I knew you were strange, but I didn't know just HOW strange!"

Obi-Wan turned bright red. "No, Maul! That's not my thing! I swear!" Calmer now, he continued, "I thought your master was into that particular perversion, but I hear he prefers Ewoks." Maul rolled his eyes, but he had had a little satisfaction anyway. Next time that creature was going up that sunny boy's rectum. Obi-Wan bent over the bed to search for the hapless hamster he had flung in his panic. As he did, his loosened leggings fell completely off, showing his assets to the Sith Lord who smiled to himself and silently reaffirmed his intentions with the newly lost hamster.