June's Jokes, part two (stupid lousy weak tiny slow modem won't let me do it one one big wack this time grumble grumble grumble. . . )
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: [SciFiKS] Dissing women for a change.
(continued where last page left off)
> ------------------------------- > > Things to do While Downloading > > > Buff your mouse pad > Make a list of things to download > Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem > Count to 500 in "click" language > Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!) > Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter > > > 11% DONE! > > Name the presidents > > Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one > Relace your shoes > > Read every classified listing for "programmers" > Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball > Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection > > > 23% DONE! > > Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate > Alphabetize your diskettes > Alphabetize your CD-ROMs > Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together > > > 32% DONE! > > Cut your fingernails > See how many words you can make from "download" > Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings > Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two > Time to windex that monitor again! > > > 42% DONE! > > Might as well balance the old checkbook > Practice the "rubber pencil" routine > Weed out the rolodex > Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that! > French Braid (optional) > > > 52% DONE! > > "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!) > Re-kid proof the butane lighter > Solitaire > Solitaire round 2 > Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time) > > > 65% DONE! > > Think of good domain names to pre-buy > Persue the Egghead mailer again > > > 67% DONE! > > RE-label file folders in all caps > Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls > > > 73% DONE! > > Color code your extra cables > > > 78% DONE! > > Find all celebrities that share your birthdate > > > 83% DONE! > > Nerf basketball to 100! > > > 94% DONE! > > 100 situps > > > 98% DONE! > > Get ready..... > Connection Terminated - Start over! > > > Find a pistol..... > > -- > "I like the sound that deadlines make as they go by... WHOOOSH!" > -----Douglas Adams (1952-2001) > >
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS
> > 1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod) > > 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) > > 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" > > 4. "Procrastinate Now" > > 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters" > > 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" > > 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" > > 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) > > 9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" > > 10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" > > 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names" > > 12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software" > > 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" > > 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" > > 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" > > 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" > > 17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music" > > 18. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" > > 19. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog" > > 20. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on." > > 21. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." > > 22. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" > > 23. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory." > > 24. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it." > > 25. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." > > 26. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." > > 27. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." > > 28. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." > > 29. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" > > 30. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" > > 31. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson." > > 32. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" > > 33. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." > > 34. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." > > 35. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team." > > 36. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine." > > 37. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research." > > 38. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought He was God, and I didn't."
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: Restroom Notes///funny :)
> > Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. > > Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE > > > > Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, > > how are you?" > > ---Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia > > > > No matter how good she looks, some other guy is > > sick and tired of putting up with her shit. > > -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, > > Chapel Hill, North Carolina > > > > A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or > > testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. > > ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, > > Dallas, Texas > > > > Express Lane: Five beers or less. > > ---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed > > Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA > > > > You're too good for him. > > ---Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, > > Ed Debevics, Beverly Hill > > > > No wonder you always go home alone. > > ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed > > Debevic's, Beverly Hills > > > > The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast > > plate open. > > ---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL > > > > > > If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you > > can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. > > ---Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, > > Washington > > > > Beauty is only a light switch away. > > ---Perkins Library, Duke University, > > Durham, North Carolina. > > > > If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of > > life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of > > our lives. > > ---Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. > > > > > > Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and > > doesn't die. > > ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL > > > > What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke > > is in your hands. > > ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: Martha [Stewart] Who?
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's
sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto
the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The
hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to
the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to ake the shells off
anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to
room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.
My way: Buy the juice in the plastic bottle, and you can squeeze out
everydrop with very little effort.
*****
Martha' way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add
a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and
bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before
pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal, and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
My way: If I over salt a dish, that's too bad. My motto: If I went to the
trouble to actually make it, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator, and it will keep for weeks.
My way: And the aluminum foil will prevent aliens from taking control of the
celery by sending invisible control waves into your fridge.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften
it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan
of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.
My way: If you crack open an egg and the smell knocks you down, you will
know it isn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #14: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works for you is because when you
rub lime juice on your forehead it drips down into your eyes. Then the
problem isn't the headache anymore, because you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #15: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #16: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: If the purpose of having husbands/boyfriends isn't to open jars and
get things down from high shelves, what on earth are they good for?
*****
Martha's way #17: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just
slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: I know mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. ;-)
*****
Martha's way #18-21: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action
clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass
of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in
four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: OT: Mid-Life Crisis
Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's
more like splat!
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!"
Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a
control top flea collar.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so
old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I
have stretch marks?"
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you
still retain is water.
The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
--
Heike
Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT:Joke
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH:
Small portion lean, steamed chicken
Cup of spinach
Cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA:
The rest of the kisses in the bag
Tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with Chocolate-chip topping
DINNER:
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK:
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT: Joke
Subject: It's all in the syntax.
The following are genuine excerpts from letters by tenants sent to landlords:
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.
> >
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt
> > my knob off.
> >
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
> > next door.
> >
4. The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?
> >
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
> > wall.
> >
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
> >
7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
> >
8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard, which
> > is unsightly and dangerous.
> >
9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk.
> > Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
> >
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would
like to have a third, so will you please send someone to do something about
it?
> >
11.Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
> > color and not fit to drink.
> >
12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub?
> > My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
> >
13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
> >
14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job
and keep my wife happy.
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT:Joke
Subject: Winning the Lottery
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs..."Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter...just get the fuck out!"
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: Top 15 Slogans Rejected by Motel 6
> Top 15 Slogans Rejected by Motel 6 > > > > > >15. "Because you deserve better than the back seat of his car." > > > > > >14. "As seen on 'COPS.'" > > > > > >13. "If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets." > > > > > > 12. "Not just for nooners anymore ." > > > > > > 11. "We left off the "9", but you know it's there." > > > > > >10. "You rented the room, now buy the video." > > > > > >9. "Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money > > >left over for the hooker." > > > > > > 8. "We'll leave the Lysol out for ya!" > > > > > > 7. "Sure, we're not the Ritz, but just try taking the secretary > > >there on your salary, pal"! > > > > > > 6. "We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER!" > > > > > > 5. "It's Hookerriffic!" > > > > > > 4. "Official lodging of the Washington Wizards." > > > > > > 3. "Blurring the fine line between stains and avant garde sheet art > > >since 1962!" > > > > > > 2. "Cheap and easy, just like you enjoy it." > > > > > > AND THE NUMBER ONE SLOGAN REJECTED BY MOTEL 6: > > > > > > 1. "We put the 'Ho' in Hotel."
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: rated PG13
Rated PG-13
> A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
> "Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"
> The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001
From: Sharon
Subject: FW: OT but funny
Who sits around and figures this stuff out anyway?
Sharon
Subject: Fw: This is too clever not to pass on....
This had to have taken a lot of thought and time. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much
time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble!! Wait until you see the last one!
>
DORMITORY; When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
> > >
DESPERATION; When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
> > >
THE MORSE CODE; When you rearrange the letters: HERE COMES DOTS
> > >
SLOT MACHINES; When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM
> > >
ANIMOSITY; When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
> > >
MOTHER-IN-LAW; When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
> > >
SNOOZE ALARMS; When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z's
> > >
A DECIMAL POINT;When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
> > >
THE EARTHQUAKES; When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
> > >
ELEVEN PLUS TWO; When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
> > >
ALEC GUINESS; When you rearrange the letters: GENUINE CLASS
> > >
SEMOLINA; When you rearrange the letters: IS NO MEAL
> > >
CONTRADICTION;When you rearrange the letters: ACCORD NOT IN IT
> > >
ASTRONOMER; When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
> > >
PRINCESS DIANA; When you rearrange the letters: ENDS IN A CAR SPIN
> > >
THE PUBLIC ART GALLERIES; When you rearrange the letters: LARGE
PICTURE HALL I BET
> > >
YEAR TWO THOUSAND; When you rearrange the letters: A YEAR TO SHUT
DOWN
> > >
> > > And for the grand finale.....
> > >
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA; When you rearrange the letters: TO
> > COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
> > >
> > >