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There is no List of Shame this time for technical reasons. As you can see, I am back to using simon.phipp@walshwestern.com as I don’t have access to my own email account and haven’t for over a month. So, all you lovely people who mailed me at simonphipp@netpass.ru or krass@dol.ru (even though I told everyone that krass@dol.ru wasn’t used any more - I thought I was stupid!) will not have had a reply. Sorry about that.
First of all, a warning. I am writing this as an embittered person and thus there may be stuff which offends people. If so, I apologise. If you are likely to be offended by me then stop reading now.
How is everybody? Sorry I haven’t been in close touch but work has been very busy, I’m trying to cut down on telephoning from home because of the cost and was warned about using email too much, so I’ve cut down on that too. Still, I will try and keep in touch with people. It doesn’t stop you from contacting me, though. My home phone number is 007 (from Europe) 095 2384772 that’s 0070952384772 and I am there from 1800 to 2100 and probably 2300 and after (take three hours off for England/Wales and Ireland - 1500 to 1800 and after 2000 for those who can’t do sums without a computer). Call me sometime - call me from work and it won’t cost you a penny! My email is on simon.phipp@walshwestern.com - drop me an email. If my address changes I’ll let you know.
What’s new in the lovely world of Moscow.
Two things to get off my chest (there were three but one is OK now):
Well, that’s the two things off my chest. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the last one but what do I care?
Now onto the good stuff.
Russian TV is very odd.
At the moment I am watching an excellent documentary on Siberian Nomads (reindeer nomads, not Evenks as they ride their deer, but ptrobably Tungus tribesmen as they use reindeer to pull sleighs). Normally I can’t watch these as Rimma does not like them, but now I can. Their documentaries, especially anthropological ones, are generally very good, a legacy of the Soviet state I suppose, but also because there is such a wide range of cultures in Russia).
When they show foreign films on Russian TV they always dub them. This is not dubbing as we know in England where the voices are replaced with English voices, in Russia they simply say the Russian translation on top of the soundtrack, so you get English and Russian with a small time lag as they are not exactly in sycnch. This means that if you get the sound right you can watch it and listen to the English. However, normally the English is too quiet or the Russian is too loud. They even translate names (English "John," Russian "John", English "Jane", Russian "Jane"....) I can just imagine what they would do with a porn film - would they translate the "oohs" and "aahs", would "Yes, yes, yes" become "Da, Da, Da"? Who knows. They normally have one man and one woman doing all the voices and try to put no expression into the translation at all. This gives a very weird effect.
I saw a talk show the other night, sponsored by Indesit. I knew it was sponsored by Indesit because the set was a kitchen with the host in a chair, his guests in another chair around the kitchen table. The audience were sitting across the kitchen. In the corner, in prime view, was an Indesit Washing Machine, Fridge and Cooker. Fair enough, they are the sponsors, after all. Then the audience asked questions and made comments (a Russian Oprah Winfrey, but not as fat) but the cameras kept zooming in on the Washing Machine, Fridge and Cooker, showing the Indesit logo. Sponsorship at its very worst.
Do you remember "Mole"? It was a TV cartoon series from Czechoslovakia or somewhere in the Eastern Block which showed when I was about 5 or 6 - nearly 20 years ago (!) Well, it is shown over here every day, still the same stupid mole running around doing things, still a squeaky voice, still rubbish. It’s good to see that my taste at 6 was developed enough to recognise rubbish (I couldn’t stand Mole but loved Captain Scarlet, something which was borne out when it was repeated last year, or the year before, and was still great, not that I watched a children’s program of course.)
There is a logical break here as I had a call from Rimma asking me to meet her in town as she wanted to apologise for this afternoon, so I’ve just spent an hour waiting for her in a bar, where a German chappie told me about the football, and going to MacDonalds. The documentary has long finished and I am listening to Steeleye Span on tape. (For those into RuneQuest, did you know that Steve Perrin does not set his games in Glorantha at all, despite cowriting the RQ rules, but had a Steeleye Span campaign where his characters met the Seven Hundred Elves, one of them married Alison Gross, they solved Little Sir Hugh’s murder and so on. A wonderful idea for a campaign.) This has confused all the Walsh Western people there but I don’t care. Meanwhile, back at the ranch........
I’ve just heard that Italy and England drew in Rome, which means that England have qualified for the World Cup and Italy go into the Play-offs. Absolutely amazing, I would never have thought it possible. Good old Glenn Hoddle, another Spurs player come good. Now, we have to wait to see who Italy and Ireland play (assuming that Ireland make it through). Kevin still wants Ireland - Russia for obvious reasons, although Ireland would kiss their chances goodbye if it ever happened.
While queuing at MacDonalds, I actually got the chance to translate for someone! This American was trying to get his girlfriend (at least I assumed she was his girlfriend, she didn’t look like a hooker) to order some things for him. Unfortunately she did not speak much English and didn’t understand him. Simon to the rescue, I translated his "three hamburgers, large French Fries and a Coke" perfectly for her. You should have seen the smile on her face - it was worth the effort just for that. Who’d have thought I could translate as I have very little Russian. (For those who are not Irish, "having" a language means being able to speak it, see I can speak Irish English too.)
Funny thing about Russia, "French Fries" translates as "potatoes". It seems that Russians translate anything to do with potatoes as "Kartoushkas", one word fits all. I nearly wet myself when Rimma had a bad cold and wanted some "Kartouchkas" to boil up as a poultice and at last I worked out what "Kartoushkas" meant. Potato poultice - a perfect home remedy.
In fact, thinking about it, the Irish and Russians have a lot in common. Both love potatoes, both will drink themselves senseless at the drop of a hat, both speak a funny language and both are Johnny Foreigner. Amazing really. If only Britain had conquered Russia they would be almost the same! Still, enough racial stereotypes. At least the Irish have a sense of humour.
Now, what about work? I have managed to get the Print Spooler finished and Stock Take Module pretty much finished - at least, we did a stock take with the software and it hung together. I have put together an elementary Reports Generator which will cut a lot of time out of the project, so that’s a good thing. The rest of the stuff will be done on time, so I’ll be out of here good and proper come the end of November. Mark Doyle is coming over here in a couple of weeks so I’ll be babysitting for a while. Still, it’ll get me out to the Night Clubs again. We’ll have to go to Night Flight as I’ve still not gone there. Mark’s on expenses so we’ll be OK!
Just listening to "Steeleye Span" and have come to one of my favourite tracks "Dancing at Whitsun" a Lament in the Grand Tradition. Excellent stuff. Even though I like most kinds of Music, and love Rock and Classical, you just can’t beat a good Folk Song which will outlast anything around today. "General Taylor" coming up - another of my favourites.
Well, what else is there?
I spent two weeks in Ireland writing up a Specification for Phase Two of the Project. What fun that was. At least I got to see everyone again so they would not forget who I was.
After Moscow, I’ll probably be going back to Ireland for a couple of days to pack, then I’m off to England to see my family and then off to New Zealand for a holiday I’ve been planning for a couple of years. At least, that is the plan. I wonder what could happen to screw it up? After that, I’m back in Ireland to do Programming stuff at Walsh Western again.
Oh yeah, some people may have heard about my accident, so I thought I’d tell people what happened as several accounts have been flying around Walsh Western and I’d hate people to be worried (as if). During the Moscow 850 Years Celebration I went to a local bar afterwards with Rimma, about 0100, (Just had "General Taylor" so I had to stop and listen to it) and we decided to have a dance. Normally, Rimma does not like me to dance as she thinks that I can’t dance (she’s probably right) but this time she wanted me to. Well, there we were boogeying on down when this chap pushed past me and pushed past Rimma. I thought "ignorant Sod" and let it go, but Rimma came out with a stream of Russian telling him to "go away and do things to himself". He turned around and slapped her. "Hang on," I thought, "you can’t do that", so like a prat I stepped between them. He wanted to take it outside and stalked off. By this time, Rimma was spitting blood, so I tried to calm her down. His friend had turned up, had apologised and was setlling things down when the fellow came back in. Rimma started mouthing off again and the chap grabbed her by the hair. His mate had grabbed my arm and warned me not to do anything as his friend was looking for trouble, but what could I do. Like an idiot I stepped in between them and pulled him off Rimma. Then he looked at me and popped me in the face. When I just stood there he popped me again in the same place. Still I just stood there as I knew that if I hit him then he would probably start a proper fight and I would lose (he was far, far better than I am, despite my little Kung Fu - they have military conscription over here and he was obviously just out). When he saw the blood he was happy and walked off. By this time, Rimma was in hysterics and was calling for the police. By the time I cleaned myself up I knew I needed stitches and managed to calm her down enough to go to the hospital. Fortunately the Manager took me to Casualty where a Russian doctor stitched me up. She had to have her little joke first, she asked me if I had been drinking, if I had had a tetanus shot and then asked if I had any money. "200 dollars" she said. I just sat there as I knew that health care was free. She went out and I heard her telling the orderly what she had done - they had kittens over the stupid foreigner! Ha, ha, very funny. Of course, if she had been serious, I would have let them put the stitches in and then walked out - let them take the buggers out again! Anyway, I had 8 stitches in the lip, of which 5 went into anaesthetised parts of me - you can imagine what I was thinking at the time! For the next week, Rimma kept looking at me, tutting and saying that I had to see a Cosmetic Surgeon. As if anything could make me look any worse. Fortunately, I knew how I normally healed and knew that if there was a scar it would be a tiny one. It looks as though I was right. Still, it gives me a reminder of Russia, although I would have preferred a hat or photos.
Cor, a thirty line paragraph! Surely that is not proper writing technique, but I can’t be bothered to break it up. Never mind, eh?
What else have I got to say for myself?
I’ve got my Web Site up and running again, for those who are interested. If you don’t play RuneQuest and have never heard of Role-Playing Games or the world of Glorantha then don’t even bother looking. All that is on there is RuneQuest and Glorantha stuff with a quick bit about Moscow, the Four Postcards from Moscow and a little bit about me. All boring stuff. Thanks to Paul and Niall for sending me the old HTML files from my old website. I spent a good three days converting them to the new site, but it was worth it. The site seems to have been well received in the RuneQuest/Gloranthan community. By the way, I do all the work at home on the portable, so I am not wasting any works time, apart from the 5 minutes per week sending files to GeoCities, before anyone complains.
Just listening to a Folk Song "Famous Flower of Serving Man" which is all about a woman whose mother hated her and sent some men to kill her husband and child, leaving her untouched. She dressed as a serving boy and went to Court, becoming the King’s favourite. When the King was hunting, the woman’s husband’s ghost appeared to him as a thrush and told him what had happened, so the King returned, married her and had her mother burnt on a bonfire. "Oh bonny sang the mourning thrush from where he sat in yonder bush, but louder did her mother cry in the bonfire where she burned close by...... For the fire took first upon the cheek and then it took upon her chin and flames rang in her yellow hair until there was no life left in her." Suitable stuff for children, don’t you think? The best Folk Songs are about violence, murder, sex, rape, incest, wars, black magic and withcraft. Heavy Rock groups have nothing on this, no matter how hard they try. (Although I heard a Punk Rock group which sang "We love sheep, we love goats, we shove our pricks right down their throats" which comes fairly close, I would say.)
"When I was on Horseback" now... "When I was on horseback wasn’t I pretty, when I was on horseback wasn’t I gay? Wasn’t I pretty as I entered Cork City and met with my downfall on the Fourteenth of May". Funny how the meaning of words change, isn’t it? Niall will know a version of this one as he’s a folky too "Bang the drum slowly and play the pipes only. Play out the Dead March as we go on by." I love Laments and this is a goody. There's a version about a dying cowboy which is very similar.
Maybe I shouldn’t listen to Folk Music when I am writing my Postcards. Still, never mind.
What else is there?
I am having awful trouble with the Motorola Modem I brought over from Ireland. It seems to stop ringing after 4 rings. This is no good to me in Moscow as the phone system is terrible. I have tried to change all the software setting but to no avail. We are going to try and test a server in my flat, leaving it there for a few days if I need to do any work from home, and I need the modem to try to do transfers etc. as a test. Also, I need to access my email (simonphipp@netpass.ru) and cannot access it any other way. MARK AND DERMOT - HELP ME IF YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!
"My Johnny was a Shoemaker" - two women, no music, just voices. Pure heaven.
You’ll have to get into Folk Music - there’s really nothing to touch it. I can send a list of good stuff if you like. (Not Stuart, Niall and (Tom and Andrew to a certain extent, Jethro Tull still counts I suppose, although Tom isn’t on email so why am I including him - senility, I think) as they are folkies anyway).
Still not drinking tea, coffee or alcohol - managing to keep some of the Commandments I swore to, so I can still claim to be a Mormon, although I admit its stretching things a bit as I haven’t been to Church or read any scriptures for well over a year now. Still, I always thought I would go inactive but always knew that I would never leave (like Hotel California).
Do the Irish put salt on their porridge like their Scottish cousins (What’s the definition of a Scotsman - an Irishman who could swim!) If so, that’s another thing the Irish and Russians have in common - Russians salt everything far too much, probably one of the reasons they don’t live long (apart from Vodka for breakfast, of course).
Important things now. Don and Mike - there should be a jar of Barley Drink in the cupboard, make sure Mark brings it to Russia with him, I am running low, also please give him all my mail (there should be nearly two month’s worth) as I need to look at a few things (bank statements, credit card bills etc.). Thanks. I’ll give you a call to remind you nearer the time he goes.
"General Taylor" again. Unfortunately, I am listening to a tape of a double album which I taped years ago and General Taylor just wouldn’t fit on one side of the tape, so I had to record it again on the other side after side B of the album. Hence it is there twice, once nearly complete and once in its full glory. I don’t have it on CD, much to my dismay, and have been looking out for it for 8 years or so. If anyone sees "General Taylor" by "Steeleye Span" on a CD then let me know the title and I will move Heaven and Earth to buy it. I have a variant by another group along the same lines, but it is not as good. I bet you’re glad I told you that, aren’t you? Just think, every piece of information you know uses up permanent neuron connections in the brain, so that one (and this one) has reduced the amount of important stuff you can remember. I’m good at that - filling people’s heads up with rubbish.
Anyway, I’m up to 6 pages in Word (as I write everything in Word because of the spell checker - I can spell but type poorly so it is a great advantage - thank goodness for Bill Gates, eh Don?) so I’d better stop soon.
Kevin told me something else about Myles in the good old days (apart from being called "Wash and Go" and changing his room because there wasn’t a hairdryer there) but I can’t remember what it was. Don’t worry, it’ll come to me. Have you asked Pat about being picked up in a bar in Moscow, yet? I think you should, he is not afraid to tell the story - I heard it from Brian as well as Pat and both versions agreed. If not, let me know and I’ll send it on to you.
At John McDunphy’s leaving do (for those of you who don’t know John, I worked with him at Track 29 in Coventry before it went bust and again here in Moscow, he now works in Sandbach where I used to work) Kevin told of the days when John, Kevin and this other chap shared a house. (Walsh Western employees always look back to the "Good Old Days" as they must have been better than working for the company now) There were two stories which stood out - first, this other bloke had brought his girlfriend home and was in bed. For half an hour all they could hear was him grunting, "aahing", and making squeaking and banging noises (I’m not sure what they were doing, but I’ll pretend that I do) until he suddenly finished with a great roar. Then from John’s room you heard a very slow, deliberate "Clap, clap, clap". She dared not show her face in the morning. Secondly, Kevin told us that John hated this other bloke with a vengeance as he was extremely untidy and John was houseproud to the extreme. One of the things that John detested was that the other bloke used to half grill sausages and bacon at night, leave them on the grill and then warm them up in the morning. This used to drive John nuts. The funny part was, John came over after Kevin told us all about this and Kevin told him that he was talking about this man. "He was awful, he used to half cook his breakfast at night and leave it on the grill" says John, wondering why we were creasing.
Hmm, those were probably really boring stories about people most of you don’t know and didn’t want to know about. Still, what the hell - it’s my postcard and I’ll put whatever I want in it.
Now watching a Chinese film dubbed into Russian, now I can not understand two languages rather than one. Fortunately it’s an Ancient film and their plots are all the same - loads of scheming with the Emperor and his generals, a love story thrown in (usually doomed) and either lots of one-to-one martial arts or battle scenes (this one is a battle scenes film). Not quite the Water Margin, but what is?
Forgot to tell you about the 850 year celebrations. They were something pretty good. Of course, I missed most of them, but saw enough to make them interesting. Basically, there wee lots of speeches, a couple of free open air concerts, jugglers and street performers and lots and lots of people. Did I mention lots of people? Jean Michel Jarre had a concert which I didn’t go to (but 4 million people apparently tried to - imagine, more people than live in Ireland!) Not all of them made it even near the concert, but they still tried. Pavarotti had a concert in Red Square which I didn’t go to (I don’t like tenors singing opera, I’m afraid) which was packed out. There were other concerts that I didn’t go to either. There is a pattern developing here. What I did do was wander around Moscow in the cold taking photos of Rimma and then trying to get them developed. We went into MacDonalds and queued for an hour (I kid you not) and the next day went from kiosk to kiosk, queuing for half an hour or so before she got bored and went to another queue a bit later. On the Sunday we went to Chesterfields and saw one of the Stray Cats strut his stuff (I think I may have told you that) and possibly saw Jean Michel Jarre (the lead singer said "hello" to his good friend Jean Michel and a chappy we had been talking to smiled and waved before disappearing. If Jean Michel Jarre is a man in his forties with blue eyes and thinning blonde hair then that’s the chappie - I thought he was a new barman!). The most memorable thing was the "Shout". You’ve all heard of the Mexican Wave, well this was a Moscow Shout. It happened along Tverskaya, about a mile and a half from Red Square. There were people crowding the whole of Red Square and all the way along Tverskaya and somewhere they started to yell, you know "Hooray", that kind of thing, but in Rissian. When people heard it they joined in. What this meant that you heard a dull roar in the distance which came closer, then you heard shouts, whistles and screams so you joined in, then you stopped and the wave went on up the road. Then a bit later it came back. And again and again. This was actually very good, although it does not sound much. Imagine two miles of 8 carriageway road full of people. That is a lot of people. Most of them had been drinking vodka and were happy, a few even offered me a drink from either a bottle or a glass and could not understand why I refused. They were the friendliest Moscow people that I have seen. It was a very god experience.
The Chinese have by far the best fight scenes in films - we’ve had individual martial arts, a coupe of battle scenes and an assassination attempt on the Emperor. Good stuff.
It snowed a couple of weeks ago, the last day of September in fact. Actually it didn’t snow really as the Met Office only recognises snow which settles for 5 days. Still, cold white stuff fell from the sky for a good hour or two. Ever since it has rained, mind you. Still, plenty of time yet.
Funny thing about Moscow, the weather is extreme. In Summer it is too hot, in Autumn too wet and windy, in Winter too cold. I don’t know about Spring but I would guess that it is wet. During September it got very cold, but the authorities did not turn on the heating (all apartments are heated by the State which turns the heat on in October). This meant that it was quite cold in the flat and I had to buy a couple of sets of jogging bottoms to keep warm. Now, the heat is on and I am sitting typing this wearing a set of loose jogging bottoms and that’s about it, I am quite warm. In the winter they turn the heat up and everyone opens the windows. Of course outside it is cold enough for a good warm coat (which I was under orders to buy or I would have been nagged to death. I put it off for a couple of weeks, then we went shopping and looked at coats - too big, too small, don’t like it, too much, the stalling tactics worked really well, then we saw a good coat, long enough to be practical, thick, looked good, fitted me and was cheaper than all the others. I had to use my trump card "I haven’t enough money on me" "That’s OK, I’ll buy it and you can pay me back". Game set and match to Rimma. So now I have a lovely warm coat which will do me good in Ireland later on.
Blues and Reds fighting now, with a night seige and everything. Magnesium flares on the arrows, burning buildings - the Chinese were very advanced in warfare in those days. Pity they didn't develop the cannon - they would have been awesome.
By the way, someone is murmuring about Phase Three of the Denview Project! If there is a Phase Three I will fight tooth and nail to be on it as I quite like being in Moscow. Maybe I won’t be spending January in Ireland after all. We’ll have to wait and see.
Well, I’ve just ordered Lloyds Bank to pay off one of my Credit Cards and will pay the other one off at the end of the month. That will mean that I have achieved Phase One of my financial restructuring. Phase Two is booking my holiday. Phase Three is paying for it. Phase Four is clearing my bank loan. Then I will have no debts and will be in a far stronger position than I have been for years. All this will have been achieved 2 years ahead of schedule, all going well. I should achieve Phase One, Two and Three before the end of the year, Phase Four by the end of March and I am very pleased with it all. Maybe I’ll be able to go on holiday somewhere exotic next year as well (although not for a month, I feel).
On my ninth page now, so that’s enough.
Thanks for listening, everybody, I feel a lot better now. All I have to do now is to convert it to HTML and send it to GeoCities and it becomes part of my Web Site. And, of course, send it to you lovely people.
Cheers
Simon
