Tommy Cooper one-liners :

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." the

other one says "so are you, you fat bastard".

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.

One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the

fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits"

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the

dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'I'm just looking around.'

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge

to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you

know what's wrong with me?

Doctor : Yes ... 'you're fucking crackers.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and

go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do

the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser

legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the

books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and

people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living

doing that?'

He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking

Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy

an ice-cream'.

He said 'Hundreds & thousands?'

I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'

I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one

I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And

the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and

said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local

swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are

5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum

or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother

Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,

and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been

promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I

went into a tree.

A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'