Since when did you care about that?
"Hey! I'm the one that kept Wax in the right timeline back in the grounded story! I really should take him out sometime. He's sooooo much more fun when he's hammered. Although, he is a real pussy while praying to the tidy bowl man! I've never seen a grown man (or whatever the hell he is) cry like that! Even offered to blow me if I could make the it stop! Thankfully, I was NOWHERE near drunk enough that, that sounded like a good idea!"
uh huh.
"What? You don't believe me?"
Anyway, why were you bitching about the timeline? What's wrong?
"The guy writing this stuff is a hack! I mean, I'm supposed to be hated and hunted while the Wade Wilson that lived in this pad has been killed and everyone knows it! Yet, here I am on national television having the other me's house all fixed up while I try to swear and nearly kill the host! No one finds this weird? I mean, that's hardly keeping a secret identity or laying low! Why isn't the military swarming the place and putting more holes in me then that mutant prostitute in "In All My Holes XXVIII"?!?!"
Maybe the writer figured that you told the public that you are this world's Wade Wilson and you faked your death and went deep under for some time to find that man that wanted to kill you. Now, that you found and took care of him you can come out and be you.
"Yeah, except there's footage of one Deadpool or the other trashing Delos...."
This started before all of that, remember?
"Oh! Now, you're king of continuity! Still, gonna have to explain that sooner or later! Then, why if I'm the real Wade and I running around with my mask on?"
Public digs the mask. Keeps his Q rating up or some such.
"They like the mask?"
Makes the girls all wet. Mystery and all that.
"Then how come I never get to score?!?"
Because you're an uncultured ass and he's not.
"Ouch!"
Truth hurts.
"I hate you."
Love you too. Can we get back the story now.
"Fine! Whatever! Like I have a choice. The jackass at the keyboard will write it, you'll say it and I'll have no choice but to do it like a good little puppet. I'd be happier with all of this if I got some tail once in a while!"
Ha gave you those two women that Arkady made. It's been alluded to that you get all kinds of kinky sex now, remember.
"It's been a while since I've done much of anything, remember!"
Can we just get on with the story?
"Whatever!"
Al arrives with Tim. The Tool Man's hands are bandaged although his hair is still standing up at angles. As he walks by the miter saw, it turns on.
"Cool trick!" Remarks Deadpool! "Just like in the cartoons! I need to take you to the !@# &()%.....
What the #&(%?!?! Why can't I say that?! It's not cursing!"
You can't say sex shop on network television. It's bad for the kiddies. Have to say 'adult entertainment complex'.
Deadpool grumbled before smiling and getting back into character. "I'll have to take you the" with little quotey fingers "'adult entertainment complex' some time! It'll be a riot to see all of that stuff turn on as you walk by!! People will think you're the second coming! No pun intended."
Tim just growled before he turned to the camera. "Well, while I've been in intensive care, Al went ahead and worked on the kitchen. So, let's go see what the big man did in there. After you, oh lord of the flannel."
"Does that get him as many chicks as that River Dance guy?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm happily married, I'll have you know." Al said clearly unamused.
"I'm sorry. Didn't know that you were both dead men walking."
"I've never been happier in my life then I have been since I met her!"
Deadpool paused. Blinked and then doubled over laughing. After several long moments and Al getting frustrated, Wade finally managed to regain control of himself.
"I'm sure that you're SO happy! Women are only good for a few things. Cooking, cleaning and #$%&ing! I mean, all the women ever do are boss you around and make you give up all the stuff that makes you happy. Well, at least if you ever want to see them naked and sleep in the bed that your hard earned money paid for ever again. Am I right, Tool Man?"
"No kidding 'Pool man! My wife is always nagging at me. 'Do this!' 'Stop doing that!' 'Don't scratch there in public!' 'You shouldn't eat that! It's bad for you!' Just nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Sometimes I just think that she only wants a little puppet that she can dress up and make dance around how she wants."
"Jill," Al said as he held up a card with an address on it. I dunno from where, it was just there. "you can send those divorce papers to Tim Taylor. Care of Tool..."
"Real funny Al. You know. Let's forget the kitchen for now. It's done and we have one more room to fix up."
A long walk up a large staircase and huge hallway to the room on the end. The master bedroom.
"Uh...where are we going?" Deadpool asked.
"The master bedroom." Tim answered.
"Whoa! Hold the &*^%ing phone! We agreed that that room would stay off limits and closed."
"Well, that was before I saw it! That room is amazing! Beautiful hardwood floors! Incredible architecture! It would be a crime to not repair the damage that has been done to it! It would be against my Home Repairmen's Oath!"
"Home Repairmen's Oath?!" said both Wade and Al in unison."
"Look, we are fixing this room up! We'll do it for free even. C'mon, Pool Man! You'll love it and thank me for this later."
"I'm warning you, 'Tool Man'. You open that door and I'll kill you where you stand." Deadpool said. The usual happy-go-lucky tome gone from his now ice like voice.
Tim sighed. "I don't know why you're being so dramatic."
Tim then opened the door and before it hit the stop inside, Deadpool had a gun from his tool belt and shot Tim point blank in the skull. Blood and gore painted the halls, amazingly none in the master bedroom but, plenty everywhere else. Deadpool turned to Al, weapon still drawn.
"Do you have a problem with leaving this room alone."
Al swallowed and replied. "So, do you wanna see the kitchen?"
The end
Questions or Comments?