The Challenge of the Bat Squad

Do you seriously think that the Bat Squad is a match for me? Did I not destroy Scott twice? Did I not slay Belegdel three times? Did I not obtain the battered, blood-soaked heads of the entire Delenn Lusters Brigade for my master the Troll King? Would not the almighty Troll King come to my aid, were I to need it, as would the Hell-Cat Kristi if she were not banished to The Land of The Thesis? I fear no Bat Squad!

<Interior Shot ... a darkened room, lit only by the glow from several computer monitors .... we see our Hero .. Captain G'Spot studying the display on one of the monitors ... an underling approaches him>

<Underling> Sir! I think you'd better look at this!

<he hands Our Hero a report>

<Captain G'Spot> What's this! Our authority is being challenged! I thought that Alys had more sense than this. Such an affront cannot go unpunished! Summon the the rest of the Squad at once!

<some time later ... A briefing room full of Narn Bat Squad members ... Our Hero is at the front of the room pointing to several displays>

<Captain G'Spot> Fellow Narns! We must not let Alys get away with this unpardonable insult to our honour! You have been armed with the experimental model of clue-by-fours and of course our standard issue *thwackers* ... we must exercise caution however, Alys has incredible response time and if we are to defeat her we must strike first and make sure she cannot retaliate with her ultimate weapon ... the Dread Pike of Matter Dissolution!

<gasps of horror from NBS>

<Captain G'spot> yes she has this terrible weapon and she will not hesitate to use it on any of us ... now let us commence the campaign!!

<The Narns depart stage left all chanting "Death to Alys!" ...Our Hero is left alone in the briefing room to contemplate his decisions>

<G'Spot's solitary musings are interrupted as a cloaked figure slips out of a shadowy corner behind him. He hears a soft footfall and barely has time to turn before what feels suspiciously like the blunt end of a large pike smacks across his head.>

<An hour later he awakens in a little-used room in the Narn Bat Squad headquarters. Ungainly heavy devices have been securely placed around his neck and wrists. In his dazed state he does not immediately recognise them, but his blood runs cold as a soft voice says:>

        "Pain-givers."

<The voice, which he now realises is chillingly familiar, continues:>

You do of course know what they are Captain G'Spot. They are amongst the Thenta Makur's favourite... toys, I believe. If you come within ten feet of me, you will suffer unimaginable levels of pain. If you come within five feet, you will die. If you try to leave or call for help, I will activate the pain givers myself, and with each infraction I will increase the intensity. Now, you will listen to me.

I do not desire to hurt you since you perform an important service here. We need your Bat Squad to continue its regular patrols of the newsgroup. All Posters of Unannounced Spoilers must be Thwacked!!! You, as the Chief Thwacking Officer, have important duties to perform. However, I will allow nothing to come between me and the performance of *my* duties towards my master the Troll King. Therefore you must realise that the Narn Bat Squad can have no authority over me. I will not allow myself to be threatened by you in any way. Remember this!

Remember also that, so I can trust you, you will continue to wear the pain-givers for as long as I deem it necessary. If an attempt is made to remove them, I *will* know, and you *will* suffer. Now, we will go to inform your squad that the campaign against me is to be halted. Permanently. You will then escort me from this place.

For details of the Thenta Makur and the pain-givers refer to "The Parliament of Dreams".

<Captain G'Spot stands before a monitor grimacing in pain, a shadowy figure stands about ten feet behind him holding an ornate pike in the small of his back>

"Fellow NBS members, until further notice we must discontinue the campaign against the Dread Alys and her Pike! It has come to my attention that there are several Centauri informers in the NG ... I urge you to seek out these dogs and *THWACK* them until they repent! By the time you receive this message I will be gone, where I cannot say, so I will see you when I see you."

"Very Good Captain G'Spot" purred a silky voice from the cloaked figure behind him.

Captain G'Spot groaned in pain as he was forced toward the blast door by the cloaked figure. "What are you going to do with me now?" he inquired somewhat fearfully.

"Nothing, as I have explained you will continue to patrol the newsgroup but first you must go on a journey of repentance" said the cloaked figure ...

Captain G'Spot began to formulate a plan for escape but before he could get past the door he felt the familiar *thwack* of a clue-by-four and his last thought as unconsciousness raced up to claim him was ...

"Oh the indignity of it all, knocked out by my own clue-by-four" !!!

Some time later Captain G'Spot awoke, relieved to find that he was no longer in the evil clutches of the Lady Alys, the Thrice Nasty. However, the pain-givers were still in place, and a note was pinned to the clothing on his chest by a slender, somewhat inaccurately placed dagger. With one hand he absently dabbed at the bloodstains while he read:

   "You have offended me by commanding the Narn Bat Squad to attack me. You have wasted my time by requiring me to educate you in the foolishness of this behaviour. To atone for these slights and to regain my good favour you must undergo a journey of repentance to the Land of Cha'Nnel'Nine. The denizens of this foul land have stolen the Sacred Recordings of Babylon 5 and are greedily keeping them to themselves. Return the Recordings to us so that joy and wisdom may once more be spread through our land, and I will then consider removing the pain-givers.
   "As the return of the Recordings is vital, I may aid you should you need it. You will find a link in your pouch.
   "Do not disappoint me."

With trepidation, Captain G'Spot picked up his clue-by-four and began to plan for his journey......

A lone Narn figure sits dejectedly upon a rotten log in a smelly swamp. Once the mightly leader of an elite force of peacekeepers, he is now languishing in exile. Brought low by the nefarious Lady Alys of the Dripping Pike and Sneaky Moves. The paingivers about his neck and wrists clank noisily as he lets out yet another heart-felt sigh. This is quickly followed by coughing and choking as his lungs attempt to reject the fetid swamp air. Suddenly the air before him shimmers and two translucent figures materialise.

"G'Spot," they say in eerie unison "The League of Non-alive Souls have agreed to help you on one condition."
"Anything!" Replies the desperate G'Spot, "as long as I get my job, my clue-by-four and my revenge!"
"And you shall. In return for your answer to a simple question, my associate and I shall return you to your rightful place in the newsgroup." Their habit of speaking in unison made this a somewhat ambiguous sentence, but G'Spot was too tired to care.
"What's the question?" G'Spot felt dread creeping up on him.
"The question you must answer is...Who do you want?"
"That's absurd!?"
"Who do you want?"
"What do you mean 'who do I want?' who do I want for dinner? who do I want for tea?"
"Who do you want?"
"Well, not Delenn if it ends me up like you two!"
"Good answer, we shall help you."
And with that, the two figures shimmered away, leaving G'Spot staring at ugly swamp trees. Sitting down heavily, he began to sing, to lift his spirits.
"Not many fishies left in the sea..."

Many light years away a cloaked figure laughs an evil laugh as another would-be Delenn liker falls before the onslaught of her clue-by-four enhanced pike. Giggling maniacally, she turns to leave but as she does, two figures materialise, shimmeringly, behind her. Before she can bat an eyelid the two figures lash out savagely with eerie purple rays. They slice through her body like a knife through water. All too much like a knife through water, actually, as they seem to have no effect. She begins to giggle again, swinging her pike around in a great sweeping arc.
Her foes are cut savagely through the stomach, but also suffer no ill effects. A stand-off looks all too likely.
But, suddenly (and disturbingly) the two figures bare their chests! From the black void within comes a huge swarm of black urchin like things which immediately burrow beneath her ark robes. Suddenly, there is a resounding *SLAP* and the Dark Queen lurches forward, an expression of intense agony rippling her face.

"Hahahahahah" chuckle the translucent figures "They never fail. No technology can defeat our BrapullCrabs!" They vanish (shimmeringly, of course) with the clued-in pike and laughing cheerfully as the Dark Queen writhes on the floor, accompanied by the *THWACK* *THWACK* of her underwear and her own agonized screams.

Back on the swampy hell-hole...
"Oh, you guys again!"
"Our business here is finished, we just stopped by to drop off a gift." They hand a long thin bundle to G'Spot.
Carefully unwrapping it, he discovers the newly dubbed Cluey Pike ready for his immediate use, along with his NBS badge of office.
"Let me buy you a drink! Let me buy you a whole fleet of drinks!"
"Wrong line, Ambattador."
"Hey, I never got to say anything like that in the series!"
"No? Damn."
They all look pointedly confused...

"Half a League, Half A League, Half a League Onward
Ours not to reason why, Ours but to do and stay dead"
                                                      - Alfred Lord T'Nysson
                                                        The Charge of Enlightening Brigade

On the endless rolling desert plains of the land of "M'ust-see-tv" a lone figure strides forward. He is Captain G'Spot, Chief Thwacking Officer of the Narn Bat Squad <in exile>.

Sighing softly to himself G'Spot stops walking and leans on his recently acquired Cluey Pike (formely the Dread Pike of Dissolution of Delenn Admirers - property of the Dark Queen Lady Alys) and takes a long drink from his canteen of water. He had embarked on this quest to recover the Sacred Recordings of Babylon5 and return them to the denizens of aus.sf.babylon5 at the behest of Lady Alys as punishment for threatening to *thwack* her. The heavy weights of the pain-givers around his wrists and neck were constant reminders of her.

G'Spot wondered if she would aid him now, especially since the Avatar S'cott and B'legdel of the Hyper-reality Battalion had attacked her and stolen her Dread Pike - he did have a link which Lady Alys had given to him but the last time he had tried to use it he got the recorded message "I am busy conquering the lands of "Thesis", please leave your message after the scream of anguish"

Well time would tell, right now he had a long journey ahead of him, adjusting his pack he set forth again to journey to the lands of "Cha'Nnel'Nine"

Many moons later a battered and weary G'pot returns, empty handed and saddened after battling flaky news-hosts, mind-numbing tv advertisers and a constant battering of smiling, gap-toothed Ray-martinis clones to find Aus.sf.babylon5 in a state of euphoria.

He grabbed the nearest seemingly sober person, who happened to be Leece, "what is the meaning of all this celebration?" he asks. " The sacred recordings have been found!!" cried Leece in excitement before passing out onto the floor in a truimphant alcholic stupor.

G'spot looked around at the celebrating citizens and let a small smile of grace his lips, perhaps his journey had not been in vain after all!