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5 to noon
The day goes by me
I sit, I lay, I listen to music
In mental depression
I smoke my cigarette
My thoughts are all I have
I deny myself what I wonder I need
The uplifting smoke of the aromatic weed
For it is then the voice deep inside emerges
Pressing me along, Pushing me along
Telling me these voices that instruct me to kiss my demise are wrong
Telling me the sorrow isnt as bad it seems
Relieving me of the thoughts of suicide
Encouraging me to endure
~
They tell me....the shrink and the social worker
It must end
That in order to "get better" I must do as they say
Or "they cannot help me"
Yet they do not help me,
These people do not help me
And these man made drugs they give me offer little asistance
They deaden my neural receptors
This relieves me of my shaking
They say it will relieve me of my obsessive thoughts when I reach the fullest dose
6 pills,...now I am on 3
6 pills....to deaden my agony
To deaden my neural receptors
To deaden the obsessive thoughts
Yet they do not give me determination
They do not give me inspiration
They do not give me the motivation I need
Like what I deny myself
~
Mother Nature, do you help me?
In some ways I know it's true you do
Yet when I try to remember
I can tell the neural pathways did not create
The way they do when I am straight
And for this...This and this alone
I try to live denied
~
I want to be a scientist
And what is a scientist without his knowledge?
like a musician without his instrument
Yet I am a musician
And what is a musician without his inspiration?
like a soul condemned to an eternity of stillness
~
THIS IS MY PARADOX
12:24 p.m.
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