Goblinomikon

‘Gobiln Kultur’ by Malvolio, Nasties

Like their larger relatives the Orcs, Goblins vary in size although they are typically smaller than Orcs and are usually man-sized. Goblins have quick, nimble fingers and small, darting eyes. Compared to the large, powerful bodies of the Orcs, Goblins look rather thin and scrawny with gangly arms. They are extremely noisy and garrulous where Orcs are inclined to speak slowly and infrequently.

Goblins are generally more intelligent than Orcs and love nothing better than trading and bartering with their slow-witted relatives, because they always come out best. Goblin tribes are partly nomadic. They move about from plain to forest, or mountain passes where they buy, sell or steal things that they can re-sell to other Orcs and Goblins later on.

Goblin tribes are often accompanied by huge caravans of scrap metal, captured monsters in crude wooden cages, or even men, Dwarves or Elves that they have trapped and enslaved. Outriders mounted on huge slavering wolves patrol the area to the tribe’s front, probing for enemies and scouting out small settlements that can be raided and pillaged.

Some Goblins become very wealthy by trading in this way and the tribe’s King becomes exceedingly rich. Goblins like to show off their wealth. A really successful Goblin trader wears countless rings, ornamental daggers, swords, and the biggest helmet he can comfortably balance on his head. Others spend their ill-gotten gains on fast chariots which they race against each other, trying to outdo their rivals by having the fastest or flashiest machine. Courageous and insane Goblins often buy themselves officership in the army or navy so that they can order other, lesser Goblins around.

Tribes

All Orcs and Goblins live in tribes. A tribe usually contains Orcs or Goblins of the same tribe; for example it might be a Forest Goblin tribe, a Mountain Gobiln tribe, a Plain Gobiln tribe, etc. Tribes vary in size from a few hundred individuals to many thousands of warriors. A tribe is led by a chieftain called a Warboss, or if he is very powerful, a Warlord. If a chieftain is very successful other Orcs and Goblins will flock to join his tribe and other tribes will place themselves under his command.

Orc and Goblin tribes are dependent for their fortunes on the abilities of their chieftain. Tribes grow and become powerful under brave and successful leaders, and then shrink or break apart when the chieftain is eventually defeated or slain. When a tribe breaks apart the main portion will probably continue under the old leader or under his successor if the original boss has been slain. The contenders for a tribe’s leadership come from the group of the most successful Goblins, usually, however it is not uncommon for a courageous Goblin to step forward and challenge the nobility for leadership. OF course there can be only one chieftain, and so defeated rivals must either accept his supremacy or leave the tribe altogether and set up a new tribe of their own.

Art and Musik

Goblin hovels and strongholds are often decorated with wall paintings or carved glyphs. Clan or family insignia may be pointed or carved on the outside of a building, usually over the door lintel. Inside, the most important rooms are decorated with wall paintings. These usually depict legendary battles of the past or prestigious deeds of the boss or warlord. The scenes are accompanied by borders of Orcish glyphic or runic script, which tell the tales of the events depicted.

The chambers of Weirdboyz often have scenes from Goblin mythology, while the chambers of Meks may have scenes depicting the construction of war machines during some legendary Waa-Orc of antiquity.

Goblin wall paintings follow a distinctive Goblin/Orcish artistic style related closely to their glyphic script and traditional heraldry. Bright and striking colours are favoured. Most Orcish art is crafted by Goblins, who have considerable artistic talent and agile hands.

Goblin music goes beyond the playing of Squigpipes and the rhythmic chanting used in battle. Ancient and traditional music is still performed by Orc shouting choirs, however this is not deemed fashionable by the Goblins, who prefer the more conventional Squigpipes. Squigpipes are inflated with air and squeezed to produce a loud wailing sound. Other instruments include the Glokenskull, a glockenspiel consisting of a row of multi-sized skulls. These are tapped with a bone to give notes of varying pitches. The glokenskull produces a strange, hollow sound. Musical Squigs of various sizes are used to make squig organs, which provide resonant warbling sounds. Drums are made from stretching dried skin over an Ogre cranium. But perhaps the most intriguing instrument of all is the Kazoo; a small whistle made from beads and a hollowed bone.

The Gods

Goblins and their philosophy are strong and powerful forces in Edreja. Goblins are a highly successful race; they seem to be able to survive, expand, and prosper almost effortlessly in comparison to struggling humanity and the elder races. The Gobiln character has its reflection in the warp in the form of the mighty, belligerent and boisterous Orc and Goblin gods. Known Orc gods include the two legendary heroic deities commonly called Gork and Mork. The Goblins’ mischievous equivalents are Böegiböe and Smarg.

In Orc mythology the two gods Gork and Mork regularly confront the Powers of Chaos and the gods of other races. Gork and Mork are never defeated; they simply shrug off the blows of the other gods and laugh at them. Then Gork grins, bears his teeth, and lands a mighty blow on the head of his adversary with his gigantic club. Similarly, Mork, the master of low cunning, clobbers his foes when they aren’t looking.

In Goblin mythology Böegiböe and Smarg are constantly cheating the other gods. Böegiböe, the Gobiln god of wit and mischief, often fools the other gods into granting him gifts of importance. Smarg, the god of trickery, lures his opponent into a state of confusion, steals his valuables and then disappears at an instant.

Although countless other, lesser gods exist, these are the major four gods of the two races.

Physiology

The green complexion of a Goblin is due to the symbiotic green algae contained in their skin cells. This relationship has been in existence since the dawn of Goblinoid evolution. It is simply another aspect of the symbiotic relationship enjoyed between the Goblin races and fungas, which take many forms.

The epidermal algae endow the surface of the Goblins’ skin with a natural polymer. This gives the skin a strong, waxy texture similar to the rubbery leaves on some tropical plants and endows it with great properties of strength and resilience. As the Goblin grows older, the algae grow thicker and rougher, giving older Goblins their characteristic scabby and gnarled appearance.

Goblin blood is part of their digestive system. It flows around the body beneath the skin, which is too thick to reflect the colour beneath. Most Goblins have two hearts, though one of them doubles as a digestive organ. Food is digested and broken down by a series of outer stomachs. Nutrients pass into the blood in the heart-stomach. The thickness and colour of the blood constantly varies according what and when the Goblin last ate, changing from black, to purple, and dark red.

Painboyz

Goblins who specialise in the treatment of wounds and patching up their master after a battle are known as Painboyz. As their name suggests, Painboyz are not a bit put off by pain. They don’t care how much their ministrations hurt their patient - they still carry on regardless. Painboyz are willing to delve into the most hideous wounds. There aren’t many bits of a Goblin that they can’t snitch, tie, or rivet back together. Anesthetics aren’t used as the Painboyz like to heat the screams of their patients so they know they’re still alive and kicking.

All Goblins are by nature slightly psychic. Somehow, Goblins are in tune with the universe itself. This perhaps explains their inner strength and resilience, along with their complete lack of stress or angst. There are a few Goblins who are more psychic than others are. There are known as Weirdboyz. Weirdboyz act as a focal point for the psychic energy of the Orcs. This energy can then be released in the form of magic, too much energy however will give the Goblin a headache, commonly called an ‘eadbang (not from alcohol as previously though).

Philosophy

The Orcs are the pinnacle of creation. For them, the great struggle is won.

They have evolved a society, which knows no stress or angst. Who are we to judge them?

The humans, on the road to ruin in their turn or we Elves who have failed,

And why? Because we sought answers to questions that a Goblin wouldn’t even bother to ask!

We see a culture that is strong and despise it as crude.

From Culture vs. Kultur: Thoughts on Goblin Society by Uthan the Perverse, a controversial Elven philosopher

The Goblins have a far healthier attitude to life than other races, and are better able to cope with the realities of a harsh world. Their secret is that they simply don’t care. The Goblins simply follow the natural life that they are so well adapted for - wild adventure, warfare and early deaths. They don’t try to influence their own destiny and then get frustrated when the pans don’t work out as expected. They don’t look for something to blame and certainly do not reflect on weakness in their own way of doing things. They just try again in a different way. This makes some Goblins appear cowardly and wretched, but it's all an act I assure you.

Every Goblin knows vaguely that when he finally falls upon some stricken field, his soul will merge with the mighty Goblin war gods in the warp (their equivalent to limbo and the after life). He has nothing to fear from the ravenous soul-eating gods that other races grovel to in terror. Goblins happily accept this destiny. It is a fitting end for a warrior Goblin to become one with the great immortal warrior spirit of the Goblins.

The purpose of life is never questioned for a Gobiln; whatever he is doing at the time is meaning enough. Goblins do not have many worries and do not even know what an aspiration is.

Orcz and Goblinz’s is never defeated in battle,

If we win we win,

If we die we die so it don’t count as defeat.

If we runs for it we don’t die neither,

So we can always cum back for anuvver go, see!

Commonly held Orc and Gobiln view of warfare