Differences Between Men and Women
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>>>Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive
>>>proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
>>>topics, these facts have emerged:
>>>
>>>RELATIONSHIPS:
>>>First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
>>>it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
>>>
>>>When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
>>>girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then
>>>she will get on with her life.
>>>
>>>A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup
>>>- - - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
>>>you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
>>>I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's
>>>always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
>>>drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There
>>>are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
>>>need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
>>>
>>>SEX:
>>>Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
>>>
>>>Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
>>>place as part of the foreplay.
>>>
>>>
>>>MATURITY:
>>>Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
>>>function as adults.
>>>
>>>Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
>>>other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely
>>>work out.
>>>
>>>HATS:
>>>Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
>>>
>>>COMEDY:
>>>Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
>>>vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.  Immediately,
>>>the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
>>>try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
>>>
>>>The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
>>>
>>>HANDWRITING:
>>>To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
>>>chicken-scratch.
>>>
>>>Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
>>>circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
>>>and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
>>>she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
>>>
>>>BATHROOMS:
>>>A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
>>>shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
>>>
>>>The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
>>>would not be able to identify most of these items.
>>>
>>>MAGAZINES:
>>>Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
>>>
>>>Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
>>>the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
>>>and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day!!!!!!!!!!
>>>
>>>GROCERIES:
>>>A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
>>>buys these things.
>>>
>>>A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
>>>and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
>>>everything that looks good.  By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
>>>his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
>>>Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
>>>10-items-or-less lane.
>>>
>>>GOING OUT:
>>>When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
>>>
>>>When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
>>>to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
>>>her makeup...
>>>
>>>SHOES:
>>>When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
>>>slip into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
>>>bag from Saks.  When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
>>>shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
>>>under her desk.
>>>
>>>A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
>>>
>>>LEG WARMERS:
>>>Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
>>>the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time
>>>she wants.
>>>
>>>A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
>>>Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
>>>
>>>CATS:
>>>Women love cats.
>>>
>>>Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
>>>
>>>GARAGES:
>>>Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
>>>
>>>Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
>>>they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
>>>
>>>MOVIES:
>>>For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
>>>Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
>>>
>>>For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
>>>in "Public Enemy."
>>>
>>>JEWELRY:
>>>Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
>>>
>>>A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
>>>that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
>>>
>>>THE TELEPHONE:
>>>Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They use the telephone
>>>to send short messages to other people.
>>>
>>>A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
>>>she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
>>>
>>>DIRECTIONS:
>>>If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
>>>surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
>>>
>>>Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  A man will never stop and
>>>ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
>>>saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
>>>"I know I'm in the neighborhood.  I recognize that White Hen store."
>>>
>>>ADMITTING MISTAKES:
>>>Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
>>>
>>>The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
>>>
>>>RICHARD GERE:
>>>Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
>>>
>>>Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
>>>works out at the health club and dates only married women.
>>>
>>>OFFSPRING:
>>>Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
>>>dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
>>>favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
>>>
>>>A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>>>
>>>DRESSING UP:
>>>A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
>>>garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
>>>
>>>A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
>>>
>>>NUDITY IN MOVIES:
>>>Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
>>>is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
>>>
>>>The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
>>>This is another reason why men hate him.
>>>
>>>DAVID LETTERMAN:
>>>Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
>>>
>>>Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
>>>
>>>CAMERAS:
>>>Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state-
>>>of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
>>>
>>>Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.
>>>
>>>POLITICS:
>>>Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
>>>things such as voting.
>>>
>>>Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
>>>and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
>>>them and cry on election night.
>>>
>>>LOCKER ROOMS:
>>>In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
>>>women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
>>>well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
>>>
>>>Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract
>>>terms, either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
>>>
>>>LAUNDRY:
>>>Women do laundry every couple of days.
>>>
>>>A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
>>>surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
>>>his laundry.  Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
>>>sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
>>>the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
>>>
>>>WEDDINGS:
>>>When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
>>>
>>>Men talk about "the bachelor party."
>>>
>>>CHEERLEADERS:
>>>Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
>>>
>>>Male cheerleaders are scary.
>>>
>>>TOYS:
>>>Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age of
>>>11 or 12, they lose interest.
>>>
>>>Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older,
>>>their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.  Examples of
>>>mens toys:  miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
>>>blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
>>>command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
>>>least six "D" batteries to operate.
>>>
>>>PLANTS:
>>>A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
>>>The man will water the plants.
>>>The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
>>>No one knows why this happens.
>>>
>>>MUSTACHES:
>>>Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
>>>
>>>There are no women who look good with mustaches.
>>>
>>>NICKNAMES:
>>>With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
>>>like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
>>>If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
>>>will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
>>>
>>>But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
>>>refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
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