We've all seen those ads in the
personals section of the paper... here are some of the better ones that
have shown up in recent times.
----
 
MARRIED MAN, 37, SEEKS A WOMAN who'll appear by
telekinesis at my door now.  I don't have time to wait
for a postal response, as my wife will be back from her
business trip in seven days.  I know it's doubtful
this'll work; infact, if you don't get over here in
five minutes I'm just going to drink a bunch of beers.
But I figure it's worth a try.
 
MWM SEEKS a yard or garage sale featuring a good set
of gold clubs for under $20, a lawn mower for $20, a
couple of old Cream and Chicago albums with minimal
scratches for $.50 each, and a few good-condition 42
Long suits from a guy dead in his prime for $10 each.
 
MED-SCHOOL STUDENT seeks corpse swap.  I crave a woman,
20-35, with nice butt, no puncture wounds, tumors,
wasting or jaundice.  No ob-gyn-school seconds.  Am
willing to trade vintage 28-year-old male junkie,
56-year-old housewife run over by a truck, and a fresh
German shepherd.
 
SWF, 24, CANTANKEROUS, PISSY, SELFISH, mean-spirited,
cranky, obstinate, greedy, bitchy, and not even that
great looking, but with that certain something that
sucker-man after sucker-man somehow finds irresistible,
seeks new girlfriends who'll be mesmerized an appalled
at how easily and cruelly I manipulate men.
 
SWM SEEKS DEBORAH NORVILLE-TYPE WOMAN, an eduacated,
beautiful, blond millionaire whom the rest of the world
hates, for good times, possible marriage.
 
SWF, 18, seeks financially gifted old widower, enjoys
staying home on weekend nights while wife does grocery
shopping into late evening.  Heart condition a plus.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 * Dragons love you. You're crunchy and good with ketchup.*